Half of Faith #6

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Maryam Lemu

Channel: Maryam Lemu

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Episode Transcript

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Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu This is Maria Malema and welcome back to this episode and with me is my husband, a man Takuma assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. Now, during the last episode, we talked about pillars of our marriage Code of Conduct things, non negotiables. And we talked about first align, featuring spirituality in our relationship, using his guidelines and how we relate to one another, how we relate with the children, how we raise them, making sure we keep Allah first as our guide and our compass. We now also mentioned fidelity, we talked about loyalty to the institution of marriage, and contentment. And so it also added respect, that no

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matter what one of the Code of Conduct we have, we will always respect one another, no matter how angry we are, we will always respect one another. And I know he gave you an appetizer of some of the things he did to spice up the marriage, which was to cook in the home. The another code of conduct that I want to share is this feeding of the Spirit, making sure you validate your spouse, you make them feel they matter. They want their wanted. Now a lot of people would say for men, intimacy is number one, it's the most important thing in the relationship. But over the years and more and more when I study about the things that men actually see the seed they want the most and what pushes them

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out what makes them go to the extent of committing Zina against the US Oh, with a with somebody else is the lack of appreciation, lack of validation, lack of feeling, honored affirmation, and things like that. So just as much as we women say we make love emotionally, whereas men make love physically. It actually we're all As humans, we all have that intrinsic need to feel appreciated, to feel respected to feel wanted that we matter. Yeah. So I think one of the things that he did to deposit in my emotional bank account, it seems strange, of course, for many to hear him say he was doing about 70% of the cooking. But before we got married, when it was telling me my rights, under

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Sharia, the first thing I always remember that stood out was he said, you do not need to cook in the marriage. And I didn't know this, even though I didn't see my mother cooking, except when she wanted to cook for fun or something, an English dish and so on. But he said, you do not owe me to cook, you're not going to be a glorified housewife. What your obligations are, are here and he gave me a book. And Funny enough, it was a book written by my mom. And he said, read it. These are your rights. But these are your obligations to me. And we discovered that as the marriage started, even though he knew I could cook over 200 French and Italian dishes and my stepmother may Allah have

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mercy on her taught me Our up local dishes. And I learned from other friends. I could cook extremely well. But he was the one who was doing the cooking around the house, cooking in the house. He was doing the chores. He was helping clean up the house, he would be vacuuming. He would take my laundry and go and wash and just the ironing. I remember one day he gave me his clothes and told me to is running late for work. And I just absent mindedly said Maria, can you please enter the shed for me because I'm running late. She just said this hand was not born with an iron in it. Yes. So behind Allah, don't worry, I didn't want him to treat me like

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I'll do my I know it sounds so terrible. It was it was a joke. She wanted to send the message.

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This is a subtle reminder of what I told her. And this is the interesting part. When I was trying to make Marian read the book, and this I want men to understand. Marian is a poor reader. So

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the books will sit for days you wouldn't read it. So I'll come and sit in front of her and she said no. So I said, Okay, what do I have to do? Because this is an obligation on me. I'm the husband, I have to teach her. It's one of the obligations in marriage to educate your wife. If you saw her, you want her they gave her to you. You can't complain. After she comes in to say they didn't educate her. You knew everything about her. So the moment she comes in, that is your responsibility. No complaining. Yeah. So what did I have to do? I had to read the books to mark them as bedtime stories.

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This was

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stars that you will have today.

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God started by her husband reading books to her in bed. And I did that for a couple of years till Maria decided she wanted to read on her own, then she moved on to wanting to write on her own, and Alhamdulillah. Today, she is where she is. And another thing I would say that really helped as well, in addition to trying to bring me up to his level, so to speak. And what I mean by that is the fact that he was into certain things, and he wanted to have more things in common with me, like I said, he was so deliberate is in his intention to get married. So he would read books on politics, books on history, and honestly, I found those to be utterly boring. So we kind of struck a deal he would

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read to me, however, I would watch. So I would watch videos on history, I would go to history channel, and learn about ancient civilizations and wars and things that he liked to have a conversation on. I also know that he was very into sports. And so the kind of sports he liked, I started to ask him teach me the rules. So gradually, I really got to know that what he wanted is, I want to have things in common with you. So I don't have to go out to fulfill those needs. And that's why I keep emphasizing and I talk about this all the time, make sure that your spouse is number one, recreation involves you, if it's sports, make sure you're involved in sports. If it is

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doing something like their own hobby, make sure you're involved in it, so that you grow together, let there not be a gap. I think one thing I feel indebted to say it about is that he brought me to his level and now intellectually, we can have a decent conversation, deep conversation, without him feeling she doesn't get it and then he would have to go out and find somebody for it. So try and make sure that all your spouse's needs or your spouse's wants their interests involve you. When you find your spouse is spending more time outside. When you find your spouse is spending more time on their phones, then having a decent conversation with you. They're there, but they're not there. You

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need to check yourself and ask what is it I'm doing or not doing that is making my spouse not interested in doing that thing with me. And I think the biggest concern I have today is the fact that social media has entered our lives. Something we normally don't allow etiquette, basic etiquette has gone out of the window, a man will be chatting to a with a woman at two in the morning, while his wife is sleeping on the bed next to him, you would never have a woman come and knock on your door at two in the morning. So what happened to etiquettes and things like that, and so called friends or people who are following you or liking you, we need to be so careful with whom

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we interact with on social media, because honestly, this is a path to fitness. Again, because you get to see too much muchness on social media, you don't appreciate real life, you look at somebody else who puts pictures of what you think is an ideal life, then you look at your own and you're not satisfied with it, you look at your house and you're not happy with it, the car, even your children don't fit into that perfect image of a family. So it's so important that you become very conscious of these things and how much you start not appreciating what Allah has already blessed you with. Yeah, I wanted to add an important point when Miriam said, know what your spouse's likes, and try to

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fulfill them. The one criteria that you should never step over is if that like is haram. Yeah. Because we go back to what we said, The What did we call them the code of the rule Allah first. So whatever your spouse likes, as long as it's Helen, fine, you do your best to adjust and accommodate those likes so that your spouse becomes your best friend. That was my objective. I wanted to have a wife that I could discuss any topic with, and do so comfortably, and respect her opinion. So that is what got us to where we are where we are exactly terms of that. Yeah. And I think looking back at the discussions we've had lately, the biggest complaints you heard about when you do an interview on

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social media was what you had a session not too long ago. Yeah, of course, and this is why would my spouse cheat on me and like I said during the previous episode,

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you need to do your own introspect to make sure you didn't give them an excuse. There's no excuse for cheating. Don't get me wrong, but don't be the one that pushes them with a word we slide into the word cheating. Yeah, infidelity, excuse for infidelity is in a way

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Especially as an adult is what we're talking about, because we're talking about spouses. And yeah, I just wanted to add, like, let me give you some examples of the culture we've developed in the relationship in addition to the code of conduct. When I'm talking about feed your spouse's spirit, when my spouse is going out, I'll see him to the door. And when he comes back, I meet him at the door. Over time, I found it so wonderful that when I'm coming, when I come home, he meets me at the door. And there's nothing more refreshing than having that and when I'm going, he escorts me to the door. It's these little things that makes your house a whole mix your spouse look forward to coming

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home to you. I used to wait when he's coming. I'm angry, I'm holding on waiting for him to come. And as he comes papa, papa, I shoot all the frustrations and download them yet, I don't know whether he had a bad day, I have not even given him a chance to relax and unwind. And then I bombard him. So one has to be so sensitive, and careful. That's why communication is not another pillar of our relationship. And timing and communication is very critical. Know when to talk when to raise issues. pick your battles, and fight with dignity and honor, make sure you never belittle your spouse. inshallah, during the next episode, we were very deliberate about interference,

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interference of friends, whether mine or hers, interference of family in our affairs. So we're extremely careful if we even have issues between us who to discuss them with the issue of confidentiality in every marriage is very, very important. You don't go talk to anybody about your problems, because you don't know especially if you don't have confidence in that person, you have to be very deliberate and specific. Who do you go to? How much will they hold that discussion, in confidence and really think about your problem and give you honest advice. I told you about her talk, she told you about her talking to my mother. And that was the one time she did it. She never

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did again. I spoke to her dad, it was one time and it never happened again. We don't talk to friends so much about our issues. We don't talk to family members so much about our issues. She is my wife, with all due respect to my family. She's not married to my family. She's married to me, come Judgment Day. It's not my family that will be held accountable on how I manage my my life of my marriage and my children as a husband and as a father, I will be the one Allah will hold accountable. Not my mother, not my father, not my brothers, not my sisters, not my aunts, my uncles. So I've drawn the line. I've said don't cross this line, you have an issue with my wife, you talk to

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me. You don't go to my wife, you don't dictate to my wife. My wife was not given up your marriage to you. She was given from marriage to me. The moment you open that door, I you let anybody come in when they want how they want, you are asking for trouble because they will interfere, they can very likely mess up your marriage. So remember that when that woman was given to you, they didn't say to your family. They mentioned your name at the niqab. They specifically asked, Who is this young lady they mentioned her name is being married? I have to know and

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yes, don't do absolutely. I think that is such a common thing that comes up where you hear interference. You hear a lady gets married and she's so miserable due to the fact that his family gets involved or the husband is so miserable because her mother tells her what to do and how to relate with her spouse. And so there needs to be that border there needs to be this wall and boundaries clear boundaries so that people do not interfere in the marriage. inshallah, during the next episode, we shall go through a few more things that some of the viewers of the various talks that I give, have raised that inshallah may be of benefit to you. So please join us during that next

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episode. And one final juicy bit of information that I think will help strengthen the bond between you and your spouse. Join us next time. Assalamu alaykum Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh