Hard Truths Muslim Parents Must Face About Their Kids and Marriage

Khalid Yasin

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Channel: Khalid Yasin

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What does Islam teach about the purpose and importance of marriage? We know that the prophets lost him, he said, Oh come a call that marriage is half of the faith. That's number one. And actually, when he said half, it doesn't really mean half.

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It's like it means like, it's such a significant part of the faith that without it the faith is not complete.

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So, having said that, marriage is the principle which makes legal procreation and what could be more important than the procreation of the human race, the building of the distorting of a human family okay the human family, which is the center of the community, human community. So, in this regards, we should not take the issue of marriage lightly. We should not review the issue of marriage like it is like you know, Inshallah, if I can get away for insha Allah if I can get a husband, no, no Masha Allah Tabata Kola, you must get a husband, you must get away if you must be thinking like that, once you enter the level of your life where you become responsible,

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responsible to be thinking about, you know, your own maintenance, your own school, your own direction,

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having your own responsibility in life. At that time, you have to be thinking about marriage. Because if you're not thinking about marriage, then what happens is that the normal

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physical

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attractions dynamics are going to kick in. For girls, it might be 12 1314. For guys, it might be 1314 15. And maybe some people might ask, why is it a little bit slower for the guys, because girls are simply faster than the boys. That's it.

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And why that's not our subject today is just to let you know that most cases girls know much more about what they want and who they want before the guys do.

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And so young people should start thinking about marriage. You know, when they enter high school, they should be thinking about marriage. Girls gonna be thinking about boys and boys gonna be thinking about girls, regardless of what their parents say, doesn't matter whether the hobby he Jabby whether the mood Turkey, you know, whether the Moto where they come from a good family, bad family, doesn't matter. The physical issues, the psychological issues, the social issues, are going to drive them towards wanting to be with the opposite sex. So we need to prepare them for that even our Prophet saw Sam said, you know, when when you're when your girls reached the age of

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menstruation, make preparations for them. That doesn't mean give them away when they menstruate. Girls can start menstruating at 1011 12 years old doesn't mean that give them away or prepare them for marriage doesn't mean that it just means that that's a sign for the parents to begin, programming them, preparing them

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seeding the ground or the soil for them about this important issue. For boys, a father, he knows when his son is entering that area, a father will know especially early in the mornings, the father will know when his son's voice starts to change. The father will know you're gonna send me in many different ways. So the father and the mother has to be on point to watch for these things. And when they watch those things, they need to stop preparing those children for leadership for responsibility. You know, we know that that the companions of the Prophet saw Sam, his name was Zaid, who, who was the son of

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I'm sorry, Simon, who was the son of Zaid, rhodiola and Houma. You know, he was chosen by the prophet saw Sam to be the head of the military army, the whole military, when he was 15, to process them selected him. And when the President passed away, he was 16. So a lot of a sudden, he was 16. And he was the head of the Jaysh. This means he was the man he was able to assume leadership. So then what about marriage? Marriage is very important. And it's not something that should be casually looked at, or delayed unnecessarily by the parents and procrastinated upon by the young people. How can parents be part of their child's marriage journey while still allowing them to choose their own

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partner? A parent's got to keep it real,

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not cultural,

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you know, your culture, your culture, the you know, the geography or the typography, or you know, the place where you were born, your language and your cultural dynamics and all of that day, your tribe, your people, your language. You know, the time

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Print, your history and all those things, they do matter. But they should not be overridden by the normal inclinations that young people have. So therefore, a mother and father need to think about when they was 15 and 16, if they can, and not think about being debt, being mom and dad all the time, you're not mom and dad, you happen to be mom and dad. But there was a time when you was not mom and dad, you don't you had a mom and dad. So you need to think about that time and think, in reality, when I say keep it real, go inside your daughter's room, mother's and sit on her bed. And try to think about her, how she feels when she's going to school, how she feels when she comes back

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to school, how she's talking, how she's looking, you know, her temperament, her behavior, her manners, how she's looking, you gotta you got to be able to anticipate almost, you got to be able to transcend your age to become like her and start thinking and making preparations for her. And dad, you know, you got to be the same thing. Watch your son when he goes to school. And when he comes back home, if you happen to be there, talk to your son, like a friend like his homeboy, what what's your son, you know, drive paths and what see what how he's interacting with his friends, look at his clothes, see how his clothing has changed from when he was 10. to Now he's 13. You know, see his

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check his voice, you know, his mannerisms. Look around his room, you can smell his body, you can see young, similar, he's a different guy. And you got to take the time to do that. And you got to sit in his room. And imagine you're being him if you can. And you got to make preparations for him as a friend, not as a father. We're not talking about regulating when I set them as setting rules and boundaries, telling them what's it's like distance like that, that's what you're gonna do. It's what you can't do. Well, you can do that. But you got to learn to do that from the back seat, if you really smart and sensitive in the world that we live in. Because guess what, the children that are

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13 years old, and they got a phone, they got Wi Fi, they are at least five years faster than they was before there was phones and Wi Fi. So be fair, be just be nice, be sensitive. Put them put the culture to the background. If you able to. If you can't put the culture to the background, you're going to cloud everything. You're going to cloud the reality with the cultural issues. And you're going to cloud your relationship with your children by setting too many rules and standards know that they know your mom, they know your dad, they know their rules. They know what Islam says already. You don't got to keep on playing that part. What you got to do now is Be wise, be

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sensitive. You know, be resourceful. Learn to be more friend and mom and dad before they leave you. Because children are leaving the parents faster nowadays, when I mean leave you maybe they're gonna be inside your house, but they're already gone.

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So Mom and Dad, you got to think about these things. May Allah make it easy for you. How can we as a Muslim community do a better job preparing our youth for healthy and happy marriages? Well, first of all, we got to think about what happens outside the Masjid. We got to stop playing this Masjid game. This Masjid role. How are we going to be inside the Masjid? You don't practice in the Sunnah inside the Masjid. You don't say saying all the right things inside the masjid, crossing all the T's and dotting all the i's. You don't say inside the masjid call Allah Who Suhana who wants to I'll have a call Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam and the fifth of this and the fifth of that yo and the Aqeedah and

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the Tafseer and the rules and regulations and the scholars said this and the scholar said that you know or less good in the masjid. But what happens outside the masjid and I mean immediately when it comes outside the masjid some of the young people they over a lifeline or hooking up body in the mosque. When they step outside demise. Day going at it. They're going to meet with whoever they want to meet with could be right around the corner and mom and dad guess what your children no longer gotta go uptown downtown Crosstown they ain't gotta go nowhere to meet de honey. If they got one the girl that interested in case you don't know what that means. You know the girls didn't gotta go

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nowhere outside. They can be talking with who they want to talk with interacting with who they want to interact with right in front of you. And they know how to do it. Their software they can do it so if you ask them, let me see you talking to they didn't want to switch it in some of you right from tip top to something else or to Snapchat or back to tick tock or whatever they doing date real fast. They got

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Technology and they not use them tools better than you. So keep it real with your children.

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You know, we got to build a real community. And brothers and sisters in case you don't know this, the community is not the people inside the Masjid.

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People whose calling that the masjid community, that is not a community. Let's define a community. A community is an A geographical area where people live mostly as families, where there are agencies and there are all kinds of resources and things all around. You know, there are there are resources, there are agencies, they are buildings, there's other families with other faiths. And this is the community, that community is led by individuals who are in leadership. In the case of a Muslim community, there's a Muslim leader, that is not the person who's given the quick BA, that's not the person who's leading the prayer. A Muslim leader is the person who basically holds the

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responsibility of guiding, teaching,

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coordinating, and at times, commanding the right. And in joining, you know, commanding what's right and forbidding what's wrong and arbitrating and showing people where the resources are. That's a leader. So a leader who has a community of responsibility, which is outside of the building, that's something different in the building does the congregation outside, there's the prospect for community. So the first thing we got to do is stop taking the moves. Stop acting like we are a community inside of a building. We are not a community, we are a congregation. That's the best you're going to be a congregation, a group of people who are doing acts of worship together in a

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building, that's a congregation. Leadership requires a community and a real community requires real social, political,

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religious leadership.

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And if we want to talk about marriage, and build a real community, we got to talk about that outside the masjid in the real world. Why do you think many Muslim youth are getting involved in dating and premarital relationships, often leading to Zina? Yeah, that's happening because, you know, we adults we live in in la la land.

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That's what we call it lala land. You know, you read a whole lot of Quran you flipping a whole lot of pages. You know, he's talking a lot of Hadith and a lot of religious rhetoric. You know, like, you know, you got you got all the clothes, you got all the garments, you know, you got all the tools, you know, that we call religious, okay, but outside the masjid outside of our buildings, we got the tools. And guess what, today, our children know where to go. And they can go to wherever they want to go to virtually. Now, if you don't understand what I'm saying, Let me keep it real in graphic for you. If girls want to see boys and boys want to see girls, they can see everything right

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now. And I mean everything. And girls need hobbies. He jayvees they taking the clothes off? You say oh not my potty mouth. You Oh, not my athletic. Yeah. Maybe not your Fatima? Maybe not your admit. But there are some Fatima's eye issues. And they also have Abdul's, they using tick tock. They're using Snapchat, you know, they using these tools, and they know how to use them and when to use them, for them to do what find out what they like and what they want to do. What What was the difference?

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That they know that their mother and father trust them,

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that they have Taqwa that Allah is Seeing them although they don't see Allah subhanaw taala that they're being given the trust and the manner, okay, and the responsibility. They've held workshops about this issue. You know, so in that workshop, we can talk graphics, we can talk reality, you know, this is not about the Masjid. This is not about the Imam. You know, there's not a whole lot of pick and tafsir and other kinds of things that we talk about inside the Masjid. There's about what happens on the way to school, what happens on the way back from school, what happens on the job site, what happens when they're going out shopping, when they're inside them places, Unison drinking

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coffee together, or they have a shot together, or you see what happens in the club. And after the club, we got to talk about those things. We got to talk about those curly head kafirs, who's in high school did our low hijab in the coffee girls, they liked them and have them boys don't care. None about no hijab and no niqab. The little kafirs in sevens out there, got them little calls, they got the new release out there. You don't mean they got they got some dope. They look at nice to get gone and got the brand new clothes on and all that debt. And guess what? Our hijab is in the coffee's they are regular girls and they liked some of them boys. They're not going

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Do those boys because of the rules is dead. But guess what? At the right and opportune time when they might be weak or vulnerable? Guess what? Dad, you just lost you lost your daughter. Because you didn't kiss up because you didn't hug her? Because you didn't encourage her because you didn't bring her no roses, because you didn't ride her in your car. Because you didn't talk to her about the real things like men talk you didn't compliment her they got some other dude this compliment her riding around in a car you know, somebody put you know, guess what, Dad? You don't you lost your daughter.

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And guess what? That your son abdulrasheed You know who you preparing for this and that he's a Hafiz of Quran, and so forth and so on. Because you can talk to him about the birds and the bees, you know about the realities. You know, you didn't get into that and talk to him about that, because you were so busy preparing him to be an Imam, to be a hottie to go to Azhar or to go to the university and Medina, or blah, blah, blah, you've been so busy doing that you forgot that you live in in America or Australia or Canada, you forgot that at seven o'clock at night. Everything changes in the Muslim world. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go to the last lecture I talked about about the

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yellow.

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And about the orange and about the red. If you don't know, let your kids listen to it. They'll tell you Yeah, Dad, that's the way things go. Even if they're not the ones that's dead. I guarantee you 30% of our children, they're not going to be out like that. They're not doing that. Allah bless them a lot protected them but the other 70% That's where they are. And I'm talking about what the scholars children. Yeah. dolomiten The fuqaha the students of knowledge that children? Yes, that's correct. The khateeb last Juma his children, those who reciting the Quran so beautiful on YouTube, you know, those usernames get the most powerful yourself wild using their children. But you know

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what, because we're Muslims from different cultures. You know, we don't like to be shamed. So we don't talk to each other about what happens with our daughters would have happened with our sons. We don't talk about that. You know, but guess what, when you travel around the world, you know, and you're from America, too. You can't hide nothing, you know that these are things that take place. So, brothers, you know, there's some things that's happening right now that if we're not on top of things,

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guess what? When the fruit falls from the tree, anybody can get it.

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You feel what I'm saying? You got to be able to as a father and a mother to understand the fruit is hanging, the fruit is hanging. And if you keep procrastinating talking about she ain't ready yet. He ain't ready yet. I want her to finish college. I mean, what you smoking?

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What you smoking, you want her to finish college? You want him to finish college before they talk about marriage? Come on, the fruit has fell to the ground and do not around. You get that pot together. The fruit has fell to the ground and mom and dad is not around.

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So we've got to make the proper preparations and we got to camp procrastinate and lie to each other got to keep it real. How can we help the youth that engaged in Zina and want to repent sincerely, while avoiding shame? Gotta have workshops for young people gotta have workshops, workshop, just let them come inside and sit down and talk. You don't mean what no shame? I mean, they're not gonna curse. They're not gonna, they're not gonna talk. No graphics? Is nobody gonna, anybody gonna see the actual face of what they did? Because they don't have to. We're not We're not no clergy. You know, we're not no priests, and nobody got to come to their mom and dad and confess, but we need to

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talk about it. Because guess what, boys talk with the boys.

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Guys talk with the homeboys about almost every day. They might not mention the girl. The girls may not mention the boy, but they talk about things today best friends. So if mom is her best friend, guess what? Sooner or later she's going to talk to her mom. And what should we tell young people when they do these things? Tell them to make Toba?

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Tell them that Tober is real.

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Tober is not just a ceremony. Toba is not just about being sorry. Your job is not even just to be asking for forgiveness. Toba is a formula. It's a protocol that's established between us and Allah subhanaw taala and the doorway that's open all the time for us to enter and bear ourselves in front of Allah subhanaw taala who is somebody that I believe Allah He already saw? And Allah He already heard in law, he already knows what has happened is you walk through the door and say, Oh Allah subhanaw taala I've done wrong, you know that. And Oh Allah, I'm sorry, I'm gonna do my best not to do that. Or Allah subhanaw taala please forgive me. Or last one.

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Don't make a commitment to change my life and to close the doors and be with different people and try to reconstruct my life all I helped me or Allah subhanaw taala forgive me and help me and all are give me the strength and Lord give me the resources give me a new set of friends and all our keep me vigilant, all our keep me alert, or lost lose Allah save me even from myself. That the process I'm asked Allah to protect him from everything, even when the twinkling of an eye, now you don't have faster turnover I happen. So things happen to young people that quick.

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You can't say it won't happen, it happens get quick. So we asked the last one, Donna, we got to talk to these young people one on one, or we got to host workshops. Sometimes a young person just need to walk into the door and talk with somebody that's keeping it real a counselor,

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and oh, gee, there's not going to judge him or her. That's just going to advise him that over, he knows where you've been. They can tell they already know how you rollin, they can see you, they can advise you and they're not going to tell your parents, somebody who's who keep your secret. That's what kids are looking for. They look for somebody they can talk to, that's going to keep their secret, a counselor. So this is what we need to do with our young people, let them know, listen, things happen. You know, things happen real quick. So if something happens, or it's beginning to happen, or it's in the motion of happening, come and talk to me, I'm your dad, I'm your friend, come

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and talk to me, I'm your mom, I'm your friend. That's what you got to be able to do. Now, if you can't do that, it's gonna be hard for us to be able to not only counsel our children, but also for us to correct what has happened, when something does happen. Why? Because they're gonna go to who they confide in. And when they go to the homeboys that at home girls, that's a fool sitting with another fool. Why do I say it's a fool, you show me a young person, I'll show you a fool. Because they're going to be engaged in foolishness, making mistakes us because of their emotions and their naivety, they're going to be making those kinds of mistakes over and over and over, until they get

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old enough to simply realize and assuming that,

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how they protect themselves. So I think it's about keeping it real, and having opportunities where our kids can,

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we can call us sit and shout, you know, sit and shout, that means that they can get stuff off their chest or off of a breast, they can get it off and save and ventilate with somebody that's not going to judge them. So that we can see how things go. And we can make the right assessment, we can make the right evaluation, we can we can make the right

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come up with the right prescription for them. And it's all about confidentiality. It's all about being sensitive and being their friends. And we ask a lot to allow us to be able to do this as adults.

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You probably may be asking yourselves, and it's a legitimate question. Check with all devices that you're given about marriage and you know, and about counseling and about preparing and what to do and how to do and how to protect ourselves and, you know, selecting the right person and all these different things. Is there a platform that you've already put together? Is this some kind of a manual or set of tools you sent me that you have that would be accessible for young people? And their parents? Are? The answer is yes. We have a program called Nia to Nika.

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Near

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Tunica,

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the road to marriage. You know, Nia, it means having the proper intention. From the time you want to get married from the time you feel you want to get married. From the first time in some of you start having those.

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Those

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we can call it those leanings, those inclinations towards marriage because to think about marriage is moral.

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You know, to think other than marriage is immoral. You know, to make preparations for marriage. That's, that's Halon. That's like watching. But think about that to start thinking and planning on how you want to see and who you want to see and what you want to do and all that. That's haram. I mean, just leading to the haram. It's wrong. It's immoral for you to be thinking like that. Okay, and this haram was going to lead so near the correct Nia to Nikka. The enjoyment That's what the word Nikka means doesn't mean marriage. Nikka is a part of marriage, it means enjoyment. So Nia to Nikka the road to marriage

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So, myself and my colleagues, we developed this platform about,

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probably formally about 20 years ago, we've been using the platform, talking about the platform, presenting the tools and components of that platform for the last 20 years. And so as a result of that, Alhamdulillah, we have facilitated more than 2000 3000 people to get married in different places in the world, when they were having problems. They didn't know how to formulate the new care.

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They will have no problem developing the new care and coming to some agreement with their parents.

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You know, the parents was talking cultural, the kids is talking reality. They wanted to get married, but then the parents are saying, No, you got to my Bengali, you got to marry a Pakistani, you got to learn Indian, you know, you got to make a Saudi adult.

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Somebody from the college a Khaleeji. You gotta mind African, you gotta mind Bosnian, you know, you got a man who we think you should marry. And I'm not saying that children should not be inclined towards whatever their thought the pounds recommended, they should. It's the fact that most arranged marriages, they last longer than the ones that young people

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formulate for themselves. I'm gonna repeat that, statistically, the proof is that most marriages that are arranged between the parents, they last longer than marriages that are arranged between other than the parents. That's a fact. But now, the in terms of the ratio of that we can can kind of like say, maybe 7030 6040. So what about those young kids who happen to meet each other in high school, and they love each other? And they were now in college, they'd love each other. But guess what, they're all different tribes, or races or ethnicities or back countries, and they love each other. They know each other. They've been talking, they've been riding. They've been dadey, you

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know, they've been seeing each other without doing anything haram. And they know now that's the one I want to marry. But the parents are saying, No, absolutely not. Well, there's a big problem that there's a big problem. And that problem is that incident mean, the fruit is already hanging, and they already hanging, you feel me, the fruit is hanging, and they hang in. And soon they're gonna be banging. You know, if the parents just not smart enough, and can put their cultural pride to the side, okay, and facilitate these young people to get married, even though they're from different ethnicities, different cultures, they have the 30%, or the 40%. So our brothers and sisters, we've

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been dealing with these problems, because you know, I'm from America. And in case you guys don't know, the African Americans, or the indigenous Muslim Americans, you know, those that were born Christians, you know, we came into Islam,

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we had a taste of the

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we had a taste of the Jahai, Leah, and even our children have a taste of the GI Helia, because it's right at the steps. And to keep it real, because we had a taste of the J Lea, we understand it better than most people, you'll say we were born Muslims. And so it is that way Allah He wrote it, I didn't write it just the way Allah He wrote it, that sometimes we have a better insight about these issues than people who are cultural Muslim that is born within the Muslim family. And all of that is so near to the cat. It's not my thing. It's not a different FIP. It's not a mother Hab. It's not a bunch of rules. It is where we do intake.

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We do intake, honest on a prospective bride or groom. You know, intake means that we take not the CV or their resume. That's just that's just where starts at. We do an interview, we find out who are they who are their parents, what's their background? What's their age? What kind of work do they do? You know, what's their inclinations? What's their social circles? You know, how are you seeing somebody right now? What stage are you in? And the sea in Samadhi? Have you selected Samadhi? Has somebody selected you? Are you in some social media platforms or groups or whatever the case might be? Have you talked to your mom and dad about this year? Have you looked into the background that

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person? Do you have a Wali? In the case of the Brother Do you have somebody who can act as a representative for you? So all those kinds of questions come up in the intake. After we do the intake, girls and boys we put into

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Database. Yeah, we put it into a database, a database that we control, you know, a database that we designed, we put all that into a database. Why? Because it's a matter of confidential your children can go to a bank and open up a bank account and have their own PIN code. Guess what Dad and Mom? Yes, they can. And the United States of America and Canada and Australia, and all the Western countries, your children do not need your permission, at 1314 years old to go and open up their own bank account, and save their own money spend their own money, they also don't need to come to you and tell you that they want that talking or thinking about getting married, they should, but in many

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cases, they don't want to because there's too many cultural barriers in place. So having this experience, and we're not suggesting for children to do that, we get that clear. We're not promoting your children to do that. I'm gonna say children will do that, because they can do that mom and dad because they got the tools sometime. And guess what they living on the edge. And when they're on the edge mom and dad and you don't catch it, like I said before,

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you don't catch it because you're not sensitive. You in cultural lala land and whatever you want to call it. The grapes fall to the ground, the fruit falls to the ground. And it still remains true. It still remains fresh, but now it's on the ground for anybody to pick it up and consume it. Don't wait for that. So we have lifetime GPS and you can recall it Yes. in.com go to Khalid Yes, scene.com you can register there and you want to you you want to do the intake. We don't have to see you, we don't have to meet you. If you have confidence in me and my staff, we can do an intake on the computer, I mean right there virtually. And then after that we can start moving towards

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we can formulate your help you formulate your near

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and we can start the protocols and the steps towards selecting

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a prospective spouse and leaning toward your marriage. Contacting your parents contacting your body assigning you Awali if you don't have one assigning you can send me a coordinator if you don't have one and so that you can get married and then after that, you can get your enjoyment Nica. So, go to call it your scene.com and we will start the process for you inshallah.