Why Islam encourages early marriage

Ismail Kamdar

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Channel: Ismail Kamdar

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All right slime Lake and rock Matilda love butter cut to YouTube. How y'all doing? This is me your friend, brother Harry, how y'all doing? I hope everything is going well that you're having a wonderful season. Despite all the terrible news that we're getting these days. If you haven't done so already, please go ahead and hit like, share and subscribe, hit that bell and help me to grow this channel to 5000 10,000 a million bazillion kajillion subscribers. So beyond it is much appreciated. We're gonna take a little divergence from the normal chitchat about politics today and talk with shake is smell Kamdar. We're going to talk today about family and marriage. This is an

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issue that, as many of you know, I have covered on my channel many, many times before, there's a lot of problems with marriage in our Ummah today. So we'd have a little chit chat about it, shake it smell Kamdar is a man who founded the Islamic self help. In 2015. He was the graduate of the Alene program. My saying that right, Jake? Yeah. Logging program. Yeah. Okay. And you also hold a bachelor's in Islamic Studies from International Open University.

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Yeah. Okay. And it said on your profile that you were also the faculty manager for about a decade or so.

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That's correct. Yeah. All right. Awesome. Wonderful. Before we begin Sheikh is there anything else that you would like to say anything that you would like to plug you're more than welcome to do so here? I Salam aleikum. Thanks for having me on the show. Just want to let everyone know I have my own YouTube channel also has around 3000 subscribers. So if you guys want to catch more of my content, I'm posting twice or thrice a week on my channel. currently focusing on the principles of Dawa, I also have a online course on marriage. I started another website last year called is Academy focused on marriage and parenting and family issues. So I have two online courses on that website,

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one on marriage and one on parenting. Very relevant to what we're going to discuss today. So if you want to learn more about what we're discussing today, check out my online courses on these topics.

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Thank you so much, Jake. I encourage everybody on my channel to go give Sheikh this male candor, SUBSCRIBE and FOLLOW and please check out his content. Thank you.

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So we're going to begin today here by talking about issues regarding marriage, especially the delay of marriage, it's very common now in modern times. So it seems to me and this is not just an American or Western phenomenon. Now, unfortunately, it's been seeping into the Muslim world for a while this idea that we're getting married later and later and later in life. And there's this idea that a teenager is still just a child.

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So can you tell us Sheikh where did this concept of the teenager come from and is compatible with Islam?

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Okay, so to start off, I would say no, it's not compatible with Islam. Right? In Islam, we have children and adults. And that's, that's been the distinction in all animals and all human civilizations, throughout history. There's children and adults, the idea of a teenager is a very novel idea that came about around 100 years ago, in the 1920s 1930s. It's, it's not 100% clear exactly when it came about, but that's when it became popular. And it came about for a number of reasons. One was the school system. So we know the modern school system is under the age of 18. And,

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you know, if you go with biology, you're an adult from 1314, or 15. So now, what do we do if you have these people in school and you're calling them adults, you can't really treat them like children. So they had to invent a new category to keep treating them like children, right. So this is where the teenage idea came in the idea of adolescence. And another theory as to where the idea came from, is to do with capitalism and marketing. That in order to sell more goods, they wanted to invent a new demographic to market towards. So instead of just having products that we market towards children and adults, you now have the edgy, rebellious teenager, this persona was invented

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and promoted by the media. So you've got a new group of people sell goods to and the idea of a teenager is that you are biologically an adult, but mentally still a child. That's the one idea of a teenager is right. And teenagers right do today receive very mixed messages from society. For example, if a teenager gets in trouble, his parents or his teachers will tell him, your young man that we expect better from you. Right? But if he wants to

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To do something that adults are only allowed to do, the government will tell him or same parents will tell him you steal a child, you have to wait till you're 18. So it's a phase of life, which received very mixed messages like right to today, society are still confused on whether these are young men and young woman, or these are children and individuals themselves, they are affected by this confusion. And what's happening now is because we move the bar of what is an adult, and we never properly redefined it. This adolescence is extended for many people into their 20s and even 30s. So now we have the manchild phenomenon, right? Guys just never grew up. Because in the past,

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you know, you'd have your your rites of passage, but by the time you hit puberty, to let you know that you're a man, now they expect more of you from society expects more from you. But now, especially with modernity, you can be a child for life. And you can get away with being a child for life, because there's no surviving in the jungle, right, you have all the modern conveniences to do so. So this teenager, things of any new idea came up less than 100 years ago, it's still poorly defined. And we are now starting to see all the negative repercussions of inventing this new category of people.

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Absolutely, when can you touch on something real quickly, because I've seen articles suggesting that according to science, that people don't fully mentally develop in their brains until their 20s and 30s. If I'm not mistaken, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, I am not a shaker, a scholar like you that I believe that it was our beloved Russell Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him that said, at 40 You're fully baked human being you're fully developed at 40. And that's when you're at the full level of accountability.

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So how do we?

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How do we square that?

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With the,

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you know, we'll say the pro teenager side, the pro extended adolescence side, suggesting that while there's a science, and then there's Prophet Muhammad saying one thing, how do we square that? What is the Islamic understanding of sort of graduated development into full adulthood?

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That's excellent question. I like the way you phrased it. So firstly, when it comes to the science,

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understand that Popular Science is not always accurate, right? Sometimes an idea gets out there, that hasn't been proven. And specifically, this is this claim of people's brains not being developed until 25. This is a very recent claim. And it hasn't been adequate research done to prove it. Going with the idea of 40. What does Islam say about what Islam says 40 is the age of wisdom and experience when you are completely a man. But Islam says you have you are an adult from puberty. And from puberty to 14 Is your Shabaab period, your young adulthood, you still an adult, but you're gonna make mistakes, you're gonna learn about life, you're gonna gain life experience, and all of

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that if you use your teenage years, and your 20s and your 30s, well, then by age 40, you will peak as a human being you would be someone who has two decades of adult experience making you a very valuable asset to society. So it doesn't say Life begins at 40, but rather, the cultivation of adult experiences throughout your teens, 20s and 30s, that you see the fruit of it when you reach the age of 14.

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Thank you for clarifying, because, of course, how are you supposed to have wisdom if you don't have a lifetime of mistakes and trials and errors to learn from, you know, before they even look at the last of all, you sell them right, he became a prophet at the age of 40. But before that, he was married, he had children, he was a businessman, he was involved in the community, he gained a reputation for his trustworthiness and his honors the result the problems of his community. So by the age of 40, he had this resume of being an asset to the community. Right? It wasn't that he became an adult at 40, it's that he now had reached his peak of adulthood. So from from the time you

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hit puberty until 40, that's your youth period, that's your period of building yourself up. Right, and then from 40 onwards, until around 60, this is now peak adulthood, where you now benefit from whatever you did when you were younger. But if you wasted a younger period with video games and pornography, then you have nothing to show for it in your 40s.

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Right, and this is why the West is eating itself alive. We have a bunch of people that don't want to get married and don't want to have children. And so it's kind of for kind of a

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He's a hardcore right wingers in Europe and the United States. They're like, Oh, we want to stop immigration. Okay, but are you having children if you were having more children and doing the traditional things that conservatives used to do a few Muslims here or there from Pakistan wouldn't change very much in the equation. Yeah. So it's literally destroying Western civilization right before eyeballs as we speak. 110%.

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So shake, when should we be ready for marriage? You know, it's this thing. In most countries, even in many, many Muslim countries, with the exception of maybe Afghanistan in some of the tribal regions of Pakistan, where now the because of the influence of Western culture, the bar has been set at 18. Even here in Indonesia, which is still a developing country. The bar is now at I believe, 16 for women and 19 for men.

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So what does Islam say about the age at which you're going to be ready for marriage? Or is it not about a particular age.

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So there's a variety of angles to consider you're right in Islam, you, you should get married, as soon as you can write as soon as you can.

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And it's considered unhealthy to be unburied. Because one of the goals of marriage in Islam is to ensure that every man and woman is sexually satisfied in a halal way. So the whole pick nine society. So if you've got a bunch of 18, and 19 year olds who are at the peak of that hormonal phase, running around unsatisfied, you know, society's going to implode, as we are seeing in the West. So that's one side or the other side of it is that there's also the issue of emotional maturity, right, that you need to be able to handle the responsibilities of marriage. And I think this is where parenting comes in. Good parenting would prepare the youngsters to be able to navigate

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at a younger age. If you had to ask me what age should you be looking to get married? If I'm being completely honest, not working with Western ideas, just completely honest, I would say between 15 and 25.

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Right, yeah. But

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if you're going past 25, then you're entering a very unhealthy phase, and you end up creating a lot of problems for yourself down the line, right? There's a variety of problems that will come over time. If you delay marriage past that age, just from the health perspective, having regular intimacy in your teens and your 20s is going to keep you young for longer, it's going to keep you energetic, it's going to take care of a lot of different health issues within the human being. It's unhealthy, to not be sexually active at that age, and the only Islamic way to be sexually active at that age is to get married. So by delaying it, you're doing something unnatural, unhealthy, which will have long

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term negative repercussions on your body and your health. A lot of people don't think about that. So if you were to ask me, what age should people be looking to get married, I would say between 15 and 25.

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And that's kind of like where you are. In the US a young man or young lady and for each person is different, right? You have to look at finances, emotional maturity, availability, legality in the country, cultural issues. But once you leave it past 25, you're entering dangerous territory. Now you are entering an area where it's completely unnatural to be without a spouse.

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Yes, I would agree with that. That sounds about right. I think many Christians in the West who are still holding on to their traditional Christians, Christian them, they're a minority in their own countries. Now, when I talk to my conservative Christian friends, they often agree with Islam on this particular aspect of marriage and there has been in certain corners of the West to sort of reach traditionalism and then return amongst the Gen Z kids towards this traditional way of understanding and when we talk about

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that same language

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you're below Phillips is the founder of IOU Is that correct? Yes, that's correct. Yeah, so you know

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Yeah, I worked for him for child Yes. Mashallah. Yeah, I really liked a lot of his stuff. And he said something very wise, that stuck out in my mind for a long time now that when you make the make it difficult to get married, when you make the halau difficult, you make the Haram easy, and you enter all kinds of fitna, and he said that years ago and that always stuck with my mind. I just really see what he's saying. Now. See, see that in the 90s when the sexual revolution was still just getting started, and now whatever he was telling us a warning us about back in the 90s we seeing it with our own eyes now. 30 years later. Yes.

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Very much so very much. So.

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All right. So

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you we've covered the when people should be getting married the consequences of the late marriage.

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There is this push to make everyone go to college. And there's a debate, I would say on whether everyone should be going to college or not. And that's a related discussion, people like

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Bill Phillips have talked about this. People like Daniel Haqiqa, to have talked a lot about this about the problems with modern education. I also have some strong reservations against our modern education system. But for some people, they really need to go to school for whatever reason, because of family obligations, because of the need for it to pursue a career. How can we balance the need for education, and particularly university level education with the need to get married and start a family?

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Okay, so very important question. On the topic of education itself, if you look at my Twitter profile, incident, they are anti school. Right. So I've been homeschooling my kids for a long time, and I believe the whole school system and university system is it's inefficient, unless very specifically apart for the average person. It's a waste of time. And there's a lot more we can learn by ourselves online and through books and through mentors, and apprenticeships, then we can go through schools and universities. But nonetheless, if someone wants to become a doctor, or an accountant or a lawyer, they have to go through the system, they have to go through the process. How

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do we deal with this and the desire to get married young or the need to get married young? Well, the first step is really to redefine how we look at marriage. To many of us, are we still looking at marriage from a Western lens, even in the Muslim world, right. And I have a saying, it's my own thing, but I hope he catches on. And that thing is, marriage is not settling down. Marriage is starting up.

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Right?

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Like the Western world, marriage is settling down. You sow your wild oats, you go crazy. You enjoy life, you starting to get old, you need to find someone and settle down compromise, you know, wherever you can get. That's not what marriage is in Islam, marriages, you young, you need someone to build your life would you know you find someone who you compatible with attracted to, you make Nikka and you hope it works out and you try your best to make it work out? Right? Whatever. The other thing, the other big mental shift that we need to have about how we approach marriage. And this is one that I get a lot of pushback from Muslims about. But I believe it's necessary to make

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this mental shift for it to work for this generation. We have to start seeing a marriage as a contract. Yes, marriage as a contract, a contract that's actually quite flexible in how you apply it. So for example,

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a man and woman who are in university could make Nika, they could sign the contract to become valid for each other. She could continue living her life, he could continue living his life. Maybe on weekends, they meet up, they hook up whatever it is they have out for each other. It's their business now. And they both have this understanding that when they graduate, then they'll move in together.

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Right. I personally know many couples like this in my own family and my own friend circles, people who got married in the first year of university, even in high school, one doctor, I know she got married in grade 10. She's still married to that same guy, 20 years later, right? So got married in grade 10 went to university and everything while married. The idea here is to understand the flexible nature of the marriage contract. You don't have to jump straight into a traditional lifestyle. As soon as you are married. You can go through different phases of your life where you handle things differently. So around a woman, for example, just say, let's give a practical example.

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Just as a young brother who's on campus, he's studying to be a doctor. He's got six years left. This assistant in his class, a lady in his class, who's practicing righteous Muslimah, also six years left, she also wants to be a doctor. But of course they both have needs. They're both attracted to each other. What do we do?

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We get a nickel contract signed between the two of them as long as her family approve, and there's compatibility. We get the nickel contract signed. Once the nickel contract is signed, they both go in with this understanding. Here we're going to focus now studies for the next six years. And this marriage, it's going to be more of a

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bit more

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As you will, in terms of, we're not going to enforce our responsibilities on each other. Right? Yes, it just, we hold out for each other. And then once we graduate, then we'll transition to a to a traditional lifestyle where we live together. And you know, the man is the leader, and the wife is staying at home or whatever, or working part time or whatever it is. But until then, we're going to handle it in this way. This is completely Hello. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this kind of makeup. And I know many people who do this. And this concept needs to become popularized amongst young people who are going to spend the bulk of the 20s in in university right there, that's

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probably the only Halal way for them to avoid fitna that you have someone halal, even if you're not living together. So number one, we need to do away with the idea that marriage is settling down, no, it's starting up. And you're always going to start off from the same position as somebody else. Right? Number two, we have to view marriage as a contract, a very flexible contract. And especially in those early years, if you both agree, you can do things your own way, as long as a nigga is signed, and it's valid, it's up to you how you how you handle each phase of life, it doesn't have to be the traditional, traditional setup in the beginning.

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Very good shake, I really appreciate that. That is something that really needs to be said and needs to be said louder for the people in the back. Because some people are just completely confused, getting caught up in these western paradigms about

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marriage. And, you know, I we, of course, sex outside of marriage is not acceptable in Islam. But you know, at some level, many non Muslim people that I know, who are educated, sincerely minded, non Muslims in the West, they kind of already do that. Anyway, without being Muslim without having an official Nikka. There's kind of like a parental leave. So they're kind of already doing that anyway. So why not just put the Muslim stamp of approval on it? Why not? Like you say, just do it with the proper mica contract and the whole nine yards, it makes perfect sense to me. You know, that makes perfect sense.

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Touching in on that you said, we need to go move towards a Nika with a contract to move away from Western style of marriage. And all this jazz. Can you touch on? I know, we didn't talk about this before, can you touch on the problems with Western style romantic love concept and how that is tainted the Muslim way of doing things? Yeah, that's a brilliant question. Mashallah.

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So,

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the idea of love coming before marriage is a very new concept. Right? Yes. basically designed to sell movies and TV shows.

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And we have a generation of young girls who are raised on these movies and TV shows and novels, who expect to fall head over heels in love with some guy. And, you know, you know, he's going to do some dramatic show of affection, and then only then they're going to get married.

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This is, I won't say it's not possible. I'll say it's rare. Right? It's very rare

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for people to actually fall in love before marriage. I wouldn't say it's not possible because there's even studies that says that the best thing for two people who are in love is to get out. Right? So even in the Hadith, it's acknowledge that people can fall in love before marriage. It's just that especially the way the Muslim community is set up with our gender segregation, and all our barriers between us and Zina. It's less likely for people to fall in love before marriage. what Islam teaches is a much more natural process, right? And whenever I talk about marriage, I always talk about human nature. I really believe from all the systems in the world today, the Islamic

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system of family is the most natural, the most incongruence with our mental nature and our biology, right? Yes. So, what are these lumps are really say about love.

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That love is something that develops and matures over time, from living together, from being sexually intimate with each other, from going through the trials of life together from raising children together. All of these things develop love. And love is something that in the beginning, it's going to be more of an infatuation, right, the honeymoon period, it's an infatuation. It's not really love. You just blown away by this person. It's not the same as after 20 years of marriage, having lived a life together, going through trials together, raising children together, being there for each other in the darkest of times. That's when you see real

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Love. And I grew up around people like this 100 I, my family, you have a lot of strong role models of marriage. And I look at my grandparents generation, my grandparents and their siblings, although married as teenagers like we talking about in the 1940s and 50s, then it was normal to get married at the age of 1415. And they did it very traditionally, like they didn't know the person until the night of the Nikka. Right. But I have never seen more loving relationships in my life than that generation of my family. Like those decades of living together and struggling together and going through the hardships of life together and raising children together. It just built a natural bond

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between two people. That's, that becomes almost unbreakable, if you've put in the work to make it to really build the bonds properly. Right? And that's what's missing today. You see, we have a generation that's all about instant gratification. This is one of the big problems with our journeys. It's all about instant gratification. So if they're not feeling that love in the moment, right, you see, there's a lot of young people feeling like, oh, I don't feel in love with him anymore. I want to divorce. Right? This is happening. It's an instant gratification, not like let's work on it, let's rekindle the spark, let's see what went wrong and try and rebuild the love. It's

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like, oh, I'm not feeling it. Now I want to divorce. This is again,

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being too unrealistic, and also wanting things straight away, rather than Islamic ways to understand that these things take time. And also these things go through phases, right? They will be phases in your life where, you know, your marriage may not be as strong as it is at other points in your life. That's fine, you work through it, you you be patient with each other and the matter, the love will come back even stronger if you push through those periods, right. But people just don't have the patience anymore. To think long term to focus long term. Nobody's thinking, I want to be in love with my spouse 3040 50 years down the line. They say I want that exact same feeling right now

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without putting any any of the effort here.

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Shake my grandparents understood this. Both my grandparents on my mother and father side really understood this concept.

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They wouldn't have put it quite in those Muslim terms, but they were devout Christians. And as the Grant says, the Christians are closest to us in spirit. And old school Christians in the United States understood this. And it is just so frustrating. I don't want to start inter generational fitna here on YouTube, but it does seem like the boomer generation in particular kind of

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got lost in the sauce. So we say they got

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I particularly blame them although my generation has a lot. That's the generation when the sexual revolution happened in the feminist movement was started. So yes, it's fair to blame them.

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Okay, well, sagas it's hard to blame the boomers blame the boomers, that government.

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Well, definitely got something else here. And I noticed this here in Indonesia. I live as an expat. I'm actually interviewing you from Jakarta. I've been living with my

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wife here for about a year or so been coming to Jakarta many times over the last decade or so.

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And I do notice this thing, it particularly this is a particularly southeast Well, it's not just the Southeast Asian problem. But there's this problem where parents seem to want so much just for marriage. And

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I feel like the community could be doing more to help young people get married. And when I say the community, I'm primarily talking about the parents because I see a lot of times here in Indonesia, there'll be a young couple that are devout, sincere Muslims, they have attraction and interest in each other and they a good match, want to get married. But mom and dad come back and say, No, Aisha, he needs to come back with the equivalent of 25,000 US dollar mire or something ridiculous like that, which is a high amount even for the average American.

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So sometimes, what what is this thing about dowry? What is the appropriate level of dowry that people should be asking for?

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This, there's so many levels of this to unpack. I myself, I still do not understand where this culture came from, to, to make knowledge that difficult, right? Because historically, it wasn't there. When you read about any of the Muslim empires, this culture was not there. Marriage was easy. People were getting value just about as soon as they hit puberty. That was the norm in most Muslim empires of history. This seems to be a very recent phenomena, and I don't know where it came.

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From my guess, and this is purely speculation, why guess is that it comes from

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families or women who feel like they could have done better or like this guy is not good enough for

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putting barriers between him and marriage, like, you're not good enough for my daughter. So only if you give this much money, then we'll, we'll compromise, we'll settle for you. Because let's face it, if the guy is a catch, they're going to be throwing themselves at his feet, they're not going to be putting all these financial barriers between him and being a part of the family. Right? They're probably giving him gifts for wearing the dots.

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But

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I think there is this cultural

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idea that you're not good enough, my daughter, and you need to prove that you're good enough for right. Another potential reason why this might have come about it, because perhaps this previous generation, maybe they dealt with some poverty when they were younger, that they don't want their children to go through. One of the problems we've seen with parents today is they don't want any kind of hardship or difficulty for their children. Right.

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Not realizing that by doing so you are handicapping them, you're keeping them children for life, you have to go through struggle to become a real man or woman to grow up, you have to go to struggle. And are these parents when they were younger, they got married, they struggle to live together, they had a really hard time when they were young. They don't want that for their daughter. They wanted to just have an easy from day one, right?

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That's not good for her personal development. It's better for her to marry a guy and they both face the struggles of life together, grow together, that's where the love is going to come from. That's where the appreciation for each other is going to come from. Because you've been through them all together. Right? Look at my own life. I got married when I was 20. And my wife was 18.

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And I only started making like good money like, well, three or four years ago at the age of 34. So from 20 to 34. We struggled we live month to month paycheck to paycheck with four kids.

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But honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. That struggle made us who we are. It shaped us around. Yeah, it was. It was it was an important experience. That helps us to appreciate everything we have today. If I just got married for the first time now in my late 30s.

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You know, without after I've made all my money and stuff, the knowledge wouldn't be as strong, they wouldn't have that same level of appreciation for each other. Because that person didn't see your struggle. They didn't. Didn't work through the struggle with you. So yeah, we have these parents today who don't want the children to go to any hardship. So they want the daughter only to marry the rich guy

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and understand it to some level but to some extent is become very extreme. And it's it's made things very impractical because they expecting a 20 year old to be to have the income of 40 Oh, that's what they expected. It's crutches literally impossible. Right? We all know it at the young man, you have to work your way up the ladder. What you're going to be earning with your first job is nothing compared to what you'd be earning 20 years down the line if you work hard, but they expected the 20 Oh to have the income already. So this is problematic. As for the Mahara itself.

00:33:36--> 00:33:42

The reality is Islam does not put any roof on how high a Muhammad can be.

00:33:43--> 00:33:51

There are a number of considerations. Number one, the Sunnah, is actually very low.

00:33:53--> 00:33:54

It's probably around

00:33:56--> 00:33:57

$2,000 I think.

00:33:59--> 00:34:18

Right? I have double check that but somewhere in that range, it's four fingers, not right because it's an affordable amount. That will be the sooner or Hamdulillah I live in a community where people still expect the tsunami. So that's why Nica is so realistic for young people in my community, right.

00:34:20--> 00:34:28

And the parents normally help with that. That's another thing in my community to make sure that young people can get married early. Their parents help them with the Mahara and all of that.

00:34:31--> 00:34:42

But there's no roof on how you can be there's also cultural considerations. So obviously, if you're marrying a princess, you're gonna have to pay a higher mahal than if you're marrying a village girl, right?

00:34:44--> 00:34:48

Unfortunately, these days every girl is Daddy's Little Princess. So they set them I have

00:34:52--> 00:34:52

unfortunately

00:34:56--> 00:35:00

I have to be realistic really. This is why I have to teach parenting courses.

00:35:00--> 00:35:10

because a lot, a lot of a lot of the problems of Muslim families today boils down to just parenting that wrong. That's what it boils down to parenting done wrong.

00:35:11--> 00:35:24

Muslims are not intentional about how they raised their children, they don't think about the long term consequences, they don't think they'll have a vision is just going with the flow doing what everybody else is doing, regardless of

00:35:25--> 00:35:27

what the consequences of that will be.

00:35:29--> 00:36:10

And this needs to change. Muslims need to parent with purpose, they need to parent with vision, they need to be well aware of whatever choices they make, what they are gaining, and what they are losing. And especially when it comes to the kids getting married, a lot of parents, they have a mixture of ideas in their mind, some Western, some Muslims, some Christians, Eastern, some cultural, it just a jumble of ideas in their mind. And just going with the flow. Instead of systematically studying this understanding what Allah want from us in the situation, they're just going with a jumble of different mix of ideas that conflict with each other. Right, that these ideas really

00:36:10--> 00:36:53

conflict with each other. So they have the Islamic idea that you wait until marriage makes you the Christian with the Western idea that you get married at age 30. Well, the idea of getting married at age 30 is not about waiting, it's about going while then mixing to non compatible ideas in their mind, not realizing that these ideas are not compatible, and what the results of mixing these ideas would be for society. So really, besides talking about marriage, you need to have a lot of conversations about parenting. In many, many cases, the parents are the problem. And it really means if there's any young people out there who are dealing with this issue, my advice to you get a chef

00:36:53--> 00:37:06

who understands this topic and knows how to speak to elders, to speak to your parents and to convince them I feel like most parents will genuinely care about the children with a Buddhist speaking to some, some Hadees

00:37:07--> 00:37:25

kinda advice to get on board with the Nico inshallah and they'll lower the expectations. I'd like to think other people and that's my assumption that if a righteous Sheikh speaks to them kindly and explains the situation they properly perhaps have more realistic expectations for the future son in law

00:37:26--> 00:37:33

mashallah, follow up question I, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to shake or if

00:37:34--> 00:37:35

the

00:37:37--> 00:37:38

if we have parents,

00:37:40--> 00:37:55

who are just so ridiculous and not acting with the guidelines of Krantz and obviously, in Islam, we want our parents approval, especially daughters want their father's approval. But if they're being so difficult,

00:37:56--> 00:38:12

is it is there a certain point where you can just say, You know what, at some point, I have to put the Quran and Sunnah above my parents authority. And I'm going to get married to a good person anyway. And the if it is okay, in certain exceptions to

00:38:15--> 00:38:29

but don't wants to disrespect but put a love first before your parents? We'll put it that way. How would a young prospective Muslim couples go about doing that? What is the proper way to do that? If they must do so.

00:38:31--> 00:38:40

Okay, so when it comes to these type of topics, I don't like to give a general answer, because it really changes from case to case.

00:38:42--> 00:38:48

Because a lot of times, the young people think their parents are being unreasonable, but they're not.

00:38:49--> 00:39:18

Always a matter of perspective. Right. And they are cases where generally the parents are being unreasonable as well. So that's why I agree case by case. So there's two answers to this right. For the Hanafi community, in the Hanafi madhhab. You can just go ahead if there's compatibility and get married, right? Yes, because the Hanafi madhhab does the NLP master concerns a parent's approval to be recommended, not obligatory?

00:39:19--> 00:39:33

Consider any adult can perform their own nicaya including, in this case, the Hanafi madhhab considers men and women equal in terms of the right to get married. Right. But according to the other three mud hubs, and the

00:39:35--> 00:39:49

other three mud hubs and the the Quran and Sunnah approach, especially if you go with the ADIZ. A woman requires her father's permission to get married and approval to get married. Right. And this is,

00:39:50--> 00:39:52

especially if

00:39:53--> 00:39:59

she's young and getting married for the first time. There is some leeway if she's like an older, divorced widowed woman who has experienced with

00:40:00--> 00:40:04

Men. The idea here is young girls

00:40:05--> 00:40:15

are easy to come into a marriage if they have no experience with men. It's very easy to switch. Right? And to put a barrier between that

00:40:17--> 00:40:28

and protect a woman for those kinds of men. That's why the father's approval is needed because men no man, you as a father can take one look at the guy. And you know, this guy's trying to trick your daughter, right?

00:40:29--> 00:40:47

Man just able to read the chapter like that. So that's why I say the father's permission is necessarily an important and there's a lot of wisdom behind it. Unfortunately, they do exist in our communities. Some fathers were unreasonable. Some fathers who may be racist, they may be tribalistic. They may have

00:40:49--> 00:40:51

ridiculous expectations or

00:40:52--> 00:41:01

unreal ideas about the children's will, for example, there's some dads out there who think their daughters don't have any sexual desire. Right? Right. So

00:41:02--> 00:41:09

it doesn't even cross their mind that it didn't only my daughter get mad, and she's gonna end up in Siena, not my little girl. That's ain't happening, right? She's doing

00:41:10--> 00:41:19

sadly for you, every human being, at least most human beings unless they asexual have sexual desire, right?

00:41:20--> 00:42:01

So these dads need to be more realistic. But again, what do you do the father is completely unreasonable. So I'll give you a couple of cases, right? This a guy and girl and university want to make Nikka. They're both attracted to each other. They're both compatible. They're both good Muslims, they come from good families. The only obstacle is the father of the girl is saying, you have to wait till you finish university is a common scenario today. Right? The dad says you have to wait to finish university, which is in six years time. So you've got these two young people who are strongly attracted to each other. They're going to wait six years. Right? It ain't happening.

00:42:03--> 00:42:08

Like that. Right? In a case like that. Forget the chef to speak to the Father.

00:42:09--> 00:42:54

The Father is still not listening. Then in an Islamic country, the court can decide to take his guardianship away from him and give it to a Imam. So the Imam now becomes the guardian of the dog. And she signs the Nica as haggadah. Wow, in this, this is for the other three mod hubs. Yes, this can happen in any of them on hubs, all of the month hubs have this, you see all the Muslims have the father's permission thing as a as a way of protecting the daughter from bad marriages. But they also have built within their mechanisms to a failsafe mechanism in case the father abuses his authority. Right. There's always a way to ensure the father doesn't abuse that authority.

00:42:56--> 00:43:07

Thank you so much for explaining that check. Because there's a lot of confusion about that. And there are, I would say I'm giving just based on my personal experience, this is

00:43:08--> 00:43:18

purely anecdotal number like 20 to 30% of fathers in this situation seem to fall under edging towards this category, at least at least

00:43:20--> 00:43:32

reach us because think about it like this, right? If the father is not objecting, the young man and woman get married and we never hear about it. The only time we hear about is if somebody's objecting. So it feels like a larger number than it actually is.

00:43:34--> 00:43:58

Okay, fair enough. It's not might be a smaller number. But yeah, there's definitely a percentage. It's I don't know what the number is. That's the way to remember that Sharia is very just and there is this built in concept within the Sharia that anytime a rule of the Sharia is used for injustice, there is a another mechanism within the Sharia to override it is allowed.

00:43:59--> 00:44:07

on almost any level of the law, you will find a way to override the law if somebody is abusing it in some way or the other.

00:44:09--> 00:44:45

Very good. Very good. Thank you for explaining that. Because there I actually know a couple people that are in this minority exception case. And I'm glad that you have said that the guideline for them to take further action humbly law. Well, yeah, so my advice is very simple. Just a bit of advice to those people is number one, contact a local scholar, get their advice. I get them to speak to the Father and the Father is to be unreasonable. Get the advice of your local scholar who knows your situation. He knows the boy he knows the girl he knows about the Pharisees. And if he says go ahead with the niqab. You got your fatwa go ahead with the niqab.

00:44:46--> 00:44:59

Okay, real quickly, just because it crossed my mind while you told me this. For those Muslims who are living in the United States and my channel is primarily from American audience. There's no

00:45:00--> 00:45:10

Ottomans style stripping of the guardianship of the father giving it to the sheikh. So how would they get around that specifically local Imam, the local Imam would basically

00:45:11--> 00:45:12

in general.

00:45:13--> 00:45:45

In general, today, we would say that if on Muslim minorities in the West, your local Imam takes the place of the kadhi, the Mufti all of these positions put together, right? So he has the authority to do this, he has the authority to, after analyzing the situation carefully and weighing the pros and cons and listening to old sites, he has the authority to say that Listen, you're not being reasonable here. We're going to go ahead with the Nikka. And I'm going to stand in as the woman's guardian. And he has

00:45:46--> 00:46:04

Yeah, humbly law that's kind of like the Hasidic. It's kind of like how Hasidic Jewish communities in New York operate. They've got their own little Jewish Torah law within their own little community, they figured out a way to get around the secular problems in the secular world around them. So this Yes, okay. All right. Thank you for explaining that Sheikh.

00:46:05--> 00:46:22

Sheikh I really appreciate your time. Is there anything else you want to add to this? I mean, I thought this is going to be a two hour interview. But sometimes the shorter, the better. We've got some really great concise bits here. That's really helpful tip bits for a lot of confused young folks out there. Anything else you'd like to add?

00:46:23--> 00:47:13

Yes, so my advice to young people, right is, firstly, I would advise every young person to study marriage from an Islamic perspective, because a lot of the ideas we have, we have taken from the west we've taken from Netflix, you take it from movies and TV shows, they conflict greatly with the Islamic teachings of marriage. And because a lot of people don't know the proper Islamic teachings about marriage, we find that after Nikka, that's when the problems begin. Right? So I highly recommend that every young person studies Nikka, from all these different angles, if you look at the course it just study, I teach you from all the angles, I teach the fifth, I teach the goals of Nikka

00:47:14--> 00:47:57

teach how to make it work, contemporary issues, flexibility, different types of naked, you get different types of recover, right you have polygamy, you have VCR, we have all these different styles of recorded are actually completely valid. And it's important to know these things. Just to give you one example, a lot of young people today are unaware that in a Islamic marriage, the husband has a authority role is basically the leader of the family. A lot of young people are unaware of that, right for two reasons. So they get married. And from day one, this problems the man's expecting, his wife's going to listen to him. And she's expecting it to be like a Western

00:47:57--> 00:48:04

feminist, equal partnership. And a Western feminists equal partnership really means a woman's the boss, that's what it really means.

00:48:07--> 00:48:47

The nature of human beings is there's always a boss, that's just the nature of human beings. So it's really flipping it upside down. So no people are going to manage not even knowing the proper Islamic structure of marriage, and what's expected of the husband, what's expected of the wife, how to make it work, the wisdom behind these laws. I teach all of this in my course, I have articles on this on my website. This is something that I strongly recommend, if you're a young person looking to get married in the next year or two, even if you're older person looking to get married in the next year or two, please study the thick of marriage, the goals of marriage, the wisdom behind Islamic law of

00:48:47--> 00:49:32

marriage. When you understand all of this, not only will you do the right thing, but you will appreciate the Sharia law, you will appreciate Islamic law more because you understand the wisdom behind Allah's laws, and why it is what is best for humanity. Because I end on this one point. Whatever Islam teaches about marriage and parenting and family, it is natural. It is the most natural positions possible on all these topics. It matches up with our minds, it matches up with our biology, it matches up with how humans have existed in tribes throughout the centuries. It's natural. And when you understand how natural the Islamic system is, that then you appreciate it

00:49:32--> 00:49:44

better. And you also begin to see better why the other systems are not working. Because let's face it, many of these modern failed relationships are completely unnatural. And that's why they are doomed to fail.

00:49:45--> 00:49:59

So please, I highly advise all young people study marriage from an Islamic perspective so you know what you're getting into as a new appreciated and you're able to follow it properly. 100 Allah, Allah Allah All right.

00:50:00--> 00:50:05

Thank you so much, Jake. I really appreciate your time. We're getting close to the top of the hour Any other final remarks?

00:50:06--> 00:50:19

Definitely from my end, thank you so much for having me. I enjoyed the conversation and I really enjoyed your questions. They were quite deep and they tackle the topic from a variety of perspectives. So keep up the good work brother your channels doing some good work on the channel.

00:50:20--> 00:50:41

Sometimes I'm trying sometimes I have to go back and fix things but I try my best to cover all sides of the story. The purpose of my channel is to give show Western people the variety of opinions because before I became Muslim, I thought Muslims were just all one thing who wrote on camels in the desert everywhere and of course

00:50:42--> 00:51:02

I came for us that's not correct at all. There's quite a there's quite a story going on here spanning many continents and many 1000s of years. So humbly left for all things. Thank you so much. Shake hope you can come back around some other time for this stuff. Shake Izmail candor, everybody. Thank you so much for coming on. Shake Sukla here. So I'm liking YouTube, Y'all take care now. Bye bye