Making Marriage Work Izzah Academy

Ismail Kamdar


Channel: Ismail Kamdar

File Size: 41.93MB

Episode Notes

Share Page

Transcript ©

AI generated text may display inaccurate or offensive information that doesn’t represent Muslim Central's views. No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever.

00:00:00--> 00:00:42

Salam aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. Welcome back to foundations have a strong marriage. And this was supposed to be the final video in the series, where I will discuss how to make a marriage work, some final tips and advice. But I decided to add two more bonus videos to round it off to 20. So in the next video after this, I'm going to tackle a question that I received a lot. So I'm going to build out a whole video around it. That's the question of how do we deal with the trials of life very often, when going through trials and tragedies, it takes the strain on the marriage and people end up in divorce. So how do we deal with the trials of life so next, the next video after this

00:00:42--> 00:01:22

video 19 will be about dealing with the trials of life as a team. That rarely in trials of life, if you tackle it in the right way, it should strengthen your marriage, it should make your bond stronger, because you are going through difficulty together. So we're going to do a whole video on that. And then at the final video, video number 20. Whatever other questions I've received over the past few months, while we were recording this, I put together the most common questions, and some of them are a bit controversial, but nonetheless, I'll tackle them. And I will find a video video 20 will just be a q&a, where I will tackle the five to 10 most common questions I've received about

00:01:22--> 00:02:03

knowledge in this course. Right so with that you were out of the course with three more videos, this one focusing on some general tips on how to make your marriage work. The next one focusing on dealing with the trials of life. And the final one being frequently asked questions about marriage, and what they'll Hamdulillah we are now very close to the end of this course. And I hope that you have truly, truly benefited from this. So finding your way together hamdulillah man marriage is a blessing from Allah subhanho wa taala. And when we do it in a way that is pleasing to Allah, then there is baraka in it. And it becomes the primary source of peace and love and satisfaction in his

00:02:03--> 00:02:46

world and becomes your your shelter against a child of its world. But that's only when it's done in a way that is pleasing to Allah. We also know that marriage, when you do it in a way that is displeasing to Allah, it becomes a trial for the other person, it becomes oppression upon the other person. And therefore, you know, I want to start with advice to remind everyone to make sure that you are fulfilling your role as per the Quran and Sunnah. Beware of feminist ideas about marriage, individualist ideas about marriage, capitalist ideas about marriage, his new so called Red Pill ideas about marriage, focus on Quran and should know that your, what you are following when it comes

00:02:46--> 00:03:25

to building a good relationship is, is that which is pleasing to Allah subhana wa Tada, and on the way of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. Now jumping into our main topic for today, one of the main points that I want us all to understand is that every family is unique, and will have ways of doing things that are unique to them that work for them, but don't work for anyone else. And, and that's fine. That's perfectly fine. Not every marriage has to look exactly the same. This is one of the problems I'm seeing with young people today is that people have the same idea of what a marriage looks like. And they see somebody else's marriage doesn't fit into that box. They assume all of the

00:03:25--> 00:04:05

worst things about those people, not realizing that as long as it's halal, it's fine. Let them do it their way. culture plays a role. Economics play a role. Personality plays a role. Right? Our flick of marriage is flexible enough that you can have very unique families, that you can spend time with one family and it with a different family. And you'll see that they're both very unique in their cultures and the way they do things. And that's fine. So you may have one family where, you know, they have a very strict schedule. We have breakfast at a certain time at lunches certain time and dinners at a certain time. And it's home cooked meals three times a day. And they happy, hungry

00:04:05--> 00:04:42

luck. That's their life. That's what they enjoy. That that's what keeps them going. You may have another family, with their homeschooling and they're traveling the world together and they don't really own a home and they're just going with the flow Hamdulillah that works for them. Good for them. We need to stop putting people into little boxes, right? In this course, we have clarified what is clearly haram and what is clearly obligated in the Quran and Sunnah, those areas, we try our best to do it exactly as Allah wants us to do it. But we also said that when it comes to certain things, Allah has less flexibility. In a lot of these areas. Allah Subhana Allah has lifted flexible

00:04:42--> 00:04:59

or flexible based on culture, flexible, basic economics and even flexible based on your unique family structure. Every family's way of doing things is different. Some families have one meal together a day and the other meal separately. Some have three meals together a day, some spent family time

00:05:00--> 00:05:42

Every day, some have family 10, once a week, it's all different. It's all fine. It's all good. Right? Stop trying to put people into boxes. It's not trying to think that my family is different from others. So there must be something wrong with it. If you happy, your family's happy, and you're not doing anything, haram hamdulillah do what works for you. Another thing that's important for making a marriage work is that the husband and wife share a vision for their family. This is crucial that you share a vision for your family. So if the man's vision is that his children, you know, grew up to be the secular people who don't really practice Islam, and his wife's vision is to raise

00:05:42--> 00:06:19

righteous Muslims, they are going to be clashing every step of the way. So make sure you marry someone who shares your vision, make sure that you marry someone who's going to move the children in the same direction that you are moving them, that you have a joint vision of what you want your family to look like 10 years down the line or 20 years down the line. And you're both working towards that same vision. If there is a clash in the vision, that is going to be problems in the marriage, right? If the man wants a hardcore Salafi family, and the wife wants his spiritual Sufi family, there's going to be clash in a marriage. If there's demand wants a family, that's

00:06:19--> 00:06:31

homeschooling, and mom wants the kids to go to school, there's going to be clashes in the marriage. So sometimes there's going to be differences, you need to sit together, talk it out, and come to a a shared vision.

00:06:32--> 00:06:47

That after discussion after research, and after hearing all sides, they see what we believe is the best future of our family and the best roadmap to get there. In a world. If you always working together towards a shared vision, it will help you to overcome everything else that gets in the way.

00:06:49--> 00:06:55

The top tip for making your marriage work and this is crucial. This is something that people are failing at terribly in the modern era.

00:06:57--> 00:07:34

For some reason, I got in trouble for saying this on Twitter the other day, people took it personally, or whatever it is, what it is, is a very important but American advice. And that is keep your family life private, and keep it off the internet. The world doesn't need to know, the world doesn't need to see happy smiley videos of you and your husband, you know, traveling the world together. The world doesn't need to know that your wife, you know messed up cooking today, or that your husband and your mother in law has a fight in front of you today. Or that your husband refused to change the diapers, or let your wife you know, is not wearing a job properly. The world doesn't

00:07:34--> 00:08:16

need to know. Keep your family life private. If you need help, speak to an elder speak to any mom speak to a counselor don't publicize it. Don't publicize the good or the bad. You publicizing the good, then there's going to be evil is going to be jealousy. There's going to be people who are going to try and break up your marriage because they want what you have. Right. And if you publish the bad, you are dishonoring your spouse, you are violating the sanctity of your marriage, you are bringing shame upon your family. So simple tip that will keep your family life happy. And that will solve your problems faster, is keep everything private and away from the internet. Use the internet

00:08:16--> 00:08:40

for business use the internet for Dawa, use the internet for general discussions, keep your family out of the world doesn't need to know what's going on in your personal private life. Tip number four, be your spouse's primary source of support and strength, be the pillar of strength. When the prophets Eliza received the first revelation. And he

00:08:41--> 00:09:16

he was overwhelmed by it and not sure what to think of it. He went to his wife. And he held her and he explained to her what happened and she was his pillar of support and strength in that moment. Both husband and wife will have times in their life where they will have to play the show. There are times when the man is going to have to be his wife's pillar of support and strength. And it's time to the wife going to have to be the husband's pillar of support and strength. And when you do that, at that moment when you are there, to strengthen your spouse and to hold them up rather than to put them down. You make your marriage stronger than ever you build bonds that become almost unbreakable.

00:09:17--> 00:09:57

But if you use that moment to put your spouse down, to put yourself up to pursue something greedy or selfish, then you are breaking up your marriage over petty things. So make sure that you are your spouse or your spouse's primary source of support that the husband knows during his difficult times he can rely on his wife for emotional support. And the wife knows during her difficult times she can rely on her husband for emotional support. And they both know that this person is there for them in that way. This is the Sunnah. This is the way of the early Muslims. This is what Allah really gave us spouses for one of the primary purpose of a spouse is to have that person that you can rely on

00:09:57--> 00:10:00

during your most, you know, vulnerable

00:10:00--> 00:10:08

moments when, you know, you can't really talk to anyone else, you know, you've got that person who truly understands you, and will give you the best advice.

00:10:11--> 00:10:40

Another aspect of making your marriage work that I want to just very quickly recap, and we covered this throughout the course in a variety of different lessons, is understand that difficult marriage is fairly flexible. It's flexible enough to accommodate a variety of different types of relationships. So you will have the traditional marriage, the man is the head of the household, the wife is a stay at home mom, raising the kids together. But Hamdulillah this is what Islam encourages. This is the best type of marriage.

00:10:41--> 00:10:42

This is ideal.

00:10:43--> 00:11:18

And, you know if you can strive for this, or Hamdulillah. But understand the fit is flexible enough that archetypal marriages work as well. You may have a miss er relationship where a man marries a woman. And he, you know, he just visits a once a week or once a month, and he doesn't really play a role in her children's life, because she has children or previous marriages. And he doesn't really feel like the head of her household. Because he's only there once a week or once a month. And he's fine with that. He's fine with that. I'm really into works with them. That's the business, it's allowed.

00:11:20--> 00:11:59

You have polygamous marriages, a man may have four wives in four different cities or four different countries. And each of them play a different role in his life. And he is just in fear between them 100 Now that's fine, too. That's also fine. Understand there is flexibility here to accommodate a variety of different types of relationships. You could have two students on campus who are married to each other, they visit each other on weekends, they go on dates with each other, you know, but they don't love to get together, they don't have the traditional structure for home yet. That's also perfectly fine. Our fic is flexible, because the goal is to make halal as much as possible,

00:12:00--> 00:12:14

as many relationships as possible, that we want people to have access to Halal relationships, that's the goal. We don't want people to fall into hierarchy, we want them to have access to Hello. And for that reason, Allah has made the flick the flick of marriage very flexible,

00:12:15--> 00:12:52

to figure out what works for you and be clear regarding your expectations. If you are expecting a traditional marriage, you need to be clear about that when you are having the pre marriage discussions, right. If you are looking for more for miss your marriage or something where there's a bit more give and take on what are the roles in the family, and how much time or money you'll spend on each other, then you need to be clear about that before marriage has well. If you plan to make any car now we only move in together in two or three years time. Then again, you need to be clear about that as long as you are clear about your expectations, and the other person agrees and there's

00:12:52--> 00:12:54

no deception, it should be fine.

00:12:56--> 00:13:34

But at the same time, even though there is flexibility, you could have a messy our marriage, we have a marriage with a woman's the head of the household. You could have a marriage where you know a man only sees his wife once a month because they living in different countries or whatever it is. You could have two students on campus made me go to each other all of this is fine. But also understand the end of the day what's optimal. What's most encouraged, is a traditional structure, where the man is the head of the household and the woman is the heart of the household. And together they are raising righteous children. This is the traditional structure that Islamic colleges so try to be as

00:13:34--> 00:14:12

close to traditional as possible, while understanding that there is some flexibility there to accommodate people to different situations. And at the end of the day when you are in doubt consult a scholar if someone is wants to perform in a car and you think it sounds shady, and it doesn't sound right consult a scholar understand that there's a lot of gray areas here where sometimes Nico would not be valid. If someone puts a time limit on the on the nigga not valid. If somebody gets mixed nigga with the intention of divorce difference of opinion some Sydney guys not valid some Sydney guys valid but the condition of divorce is not valid. But the Nico will take place anyway.

00:14:13--> 00:14:24

Getting married all day maharam Without your guardian present, according to most of the Muslims is invalid only 200 females I would say it's valid there to this condition of cover of compatibility.

00:14:26--> 00:14:51

What else is there a difference of opinion on or will make up to be invalid? A secret Nikka write secret Nikka could be invalid if there's no witnesses at all. If there are two witnesses, it's technically valid but it's still something that will allow would not encourage because a nigga is supposed to be known. If it's a secret people are going to assume the competency now. So many of these things where there's

00:14:53--> 00:14:59

where there's doubtful areas whenever these adult areas speak to your local Allama get the advice and follow the order

00:15:00--> 00:15:00


00:15:02--> 00:15:32

another thing that I want to mention now towards the end of today's session is more general, general advice for making a value to working on a specific topic Mantilla, we've covered all these specific topics. Now we're just giving some general advice that will help you to, to understand how to deal with the different aspects of marriage, one of the things that young couples get scared of is change. And, you know, delete your point, after five or 10 years with like, my spouse is changing, or life has changed, I don't like it.

00:15:33--> 00:16:13

And the easiest way to deal with this is to accept that change is a part of life. Life goes through phases, you are always going to be changing and your spouse is always going to be changing your circumstances are always going to be changing. You can't have what you had before. I myself had to realize that recently that I was missing the way my life was six months ago, and I did a journaling activity and told myself that that phase of life is over. Now, I'm now in a different phase, and I just have to move forward by you because some certain changes happen, people pass away, people grow old people get sick things happen, that completely change your life, everybody has to go through

00:16:13--> 00:16:23

this. So understand that life goes through different phases. If you marry someone, and you are 18, and that person is 20, you're not going to be the same people when you are

00:16:24--> 00:17:03

30. And he's 32. And you're not going to be the same when you are 40. And he's 42, you're going to be in very different phase of your life, and you're going to be very different people. And that's fine. And that's normal. So I'm going to do a very brief overview of some of the phases of life, and what marriage should look like in each phase of life. And understand this flexibility. Some people get married earlier, some people get married later. This is just a general overview. So 15, you hit puberty, you are a young adult, right. So understand your young adult phase is like from 15 to 25. For most Muslims who are trying to preserve their their chastity, somewhere between this age, you're

00:17:03--> 00:17:39

going to get married, I probably around 2020 to 23, you're going to get married somewhere in the space, right? You're also going to complete your studies start building your career, understand that this may be the most financially difficult phase of life, you are transitioning from a child to an adult, you are learning about business, you are learning about careers, you are learning about marriage, you learning on the job, you learning about money, your salary is not going to be anywhere near as good as it's going to be in your 30s or 40s. So financially, this is the most difficult time of your life. And

00:17:40--> 00:18:20

if you didn't marry during this phase, you have to be realistic and accept that you're not going to have a luxury life, you're not going to have the kind of life where you like, you know, everything's five star unless you're married someone who's like born a millionaire, or got rich young, which is the exception, not the norm. This is the part the time of your life where you work hard, you put your head down, you make sacrifices, and you focus on delayed gratification, understanding that working hard in this phase gonna benefit you later in life. Right. So be very, very clear about your expectations during the young adult phase, then your early adulthood or the main pattern of late

00:18:20--> 00:18:32

adulthood. So this is where you are transitioning from a young adult into an adult where people now stop calling you a young man and just call you a man. Or they stop calling you a young lady and just call you a lady. And

00:18:33--> 00:19:12

this I would roughly put between 25 to 35 to 25 to 40. At this phase of life, you should be more established. So you should have some savings, you should have a lot of skills built up of 10 to 15 years of personal development and reading and studying. You should be thriving in your current career. If you've been working your way up the career ladder driving your business, if you've been building up your business experience, you shouldn't have children, you should be focused on raising your children. This is now your life is starting to look like your vision. That vision you had when you were 20, you're not really going to see by 2223 25. Hold on. As you're getting like 3020 to 24

00:19:12--> 00:19:36

You're starting to see it, you're starting to see that finance that you want to do starting to see your children growing into what you wanted. You starting to see your career take shape the way you want it. Now you starting to see results. Because life is it slowly. It takes time. The things that we want overnight, they really take a lifetime to accomplish it take a decade to accomplish. Now for some people, they only going to get married in this phase.

00:19:38--> 00:19:59

And the advantage of that is the probably going to be more financially strong when they start their marriage. They're not going to go to that period of financial struggle of their marriage so much but they're probably want to start their marriage with more money and more, with some savings already piled or built up and with a higher high up the career ladder up the disadvantage is well it's

00:20:00--> 00:20:43

unhealthy and unnatural to go the first part of your life without any sexual activity at all, that sexual intimacy between a man and a woman, Allah create a body such that from puberty, we need it. So if you are delaying that for 15 years, that is not healthy, that has a lot of negative impact on your body, you're going to age faster, his chances of you getting cancer from that there's a variety of diseases related to that it's going to affect your mood, it's going to affect your, your sleep, it's going to have a lot of negative health impacts. So you know, it is a trade off, you get married young, good for your health, sunnah, Baraka, but this financial struggle, get married later,

00:20:43--> 00:21:23

financial struggle useless. But you know, there's a fear, there's a fear of falling Giustina, they don't delay at all. It is no fields, you know, you know, you, you you, for whatever reason, don't feel falling into it, now, you're able to control yourself that much. And then you still have the health issues to think about. But nonetheless, realistically, today, many people get married in this phase between 25 to 35, I still encourage people to get married as young as possible. Struggling together, will build your marriage and a much stronger foundation. Because when you get into your 30s, and 40s. And you look back and say, Wow, we went through all that together, that's going to

00:21:23--> 00:21:48

build a very strong bond of love. But you only give value after you've already financially successful, your spouse isn't really going to appreciate what you had to do to get there because they went along with you for the journey. Right. So there's trade offs either way, and game is nothing haram about waiting to your late 20s or early 30s To get married, if you don't fall into sin, but it's not natural, and it's not healthy, and I still highly discourage it.

00:21:50--> 00:21:51

Now you reach a peak.

00:21:52--> 00:22:14

And people out with is like between 35 and 50. This is really where people are living their best life, if they worked hard, if you did everything I said the personal development, working your way up the career, your son, you know, getting married young, having your children young, building a strong relationship, taking care of your health, you did all of this in your in your 20s and 30s.

00:22:15--> 00:22:50

What that means is in your 40s and 50s, you're going to be in peak adulthood, you're going to live your best life, you're going to reach your economic potential, you wouldn't be earning really well, you're going to have a big happy, healthy family, your children are going to be young adults, and they're going to be you know, playing a good role in your life inshallah your your your marriage is going to be very strong, because now I have 20 years of experiences together, and lifetime of bonding together. This is when you start traveling the world together as a couple. This is when you start using the money that you've been saving up over the past 20 years. This is when you really

00:22:50--> 00:23:27

start to see your life, reach a vision. Now again, this doesn't happen for everyone. Number one, people not everyone's going to do whatever I said about saving and investing and personal development, they're working their way up the career ladder. That's number one, number two Corolla, some people's destinies different Allah has given each of us a different destiny, some remember, in every phase, in every phase, Allah is going to test you in different ways. And that's what the next video is about dealing with those tests. But in general, if you generally compare this 20 year period to that 20 year period, you will probably find that the best years of your life are between

00:23:27--> 00:23:48

the ages of 35 to 40. Right? If you worked hard from the ages of 20 to 35. The problem today is that people want to enjoy themselves from the age of 20 to 30. And then start working at the age of 30 or 35. Now, if you do that, you only want to reach your financial potential. When you're like 60

00:23:50--> 00:24:26

You're going to be too old to enjoy anything, you're not going to have the energy or the health, or the relationships who actually enjoy anything, because you wasted the best years of your life. So don't waste the best years of your life. The best years of your life should be should be spent building yourself up really building your for the foundations of your family, the foundations of your career, the foundations of your finances, all of this should be done in your early years. And you will see the benefits of this in the later years. Now once you reach old age and old age is different for everybody. Some it's 50s or mid 60s, some it's 70 really depends on how you take care

00:24:26--> 00:25:00

of your health. Really. That's what it comes down to self care and taking care of your house. But you reach old age, right? But hamdulillah if you did what I what I what I advise you to do. You got married young you had kids young to build yourself up financially. You build a strong marriage. You'll buy time you get to old age, you'll be okay. Now you'll be old, you grow old together, enjoy each other's company. You'll have a lot of children and grandchildren enjoy their company, not really worried about who's going to look out for you because all your kids want to look up to you everyone loves you. You

00:25:00--> 00:25:03

We'll be fine. Inshallah, does this mean they won't be tested? No.

00:25:04--> 00:25:44

Allah will test us throughout our lives. Throughout your life, you were to be tested. But this is planning, this is planning your life, you need to plan your life, many people don't plan their life, many young ladies say, Yo, I'm gonna get married in my 30s, because I want to enjoy myself first. So they go out and enjoy all these haram things first, and then suddenly, in the 30s, nobody wants to marry them because they know what they did in their 20s. Right. And before you know it, you're 50. And you don't have a husband, you don't have children, you don't have grandchildren. And your old age is looking very lonely. Right Same with the guys that some men don't grow up the same man

00:25:44--> 00:25:56

child's right to the age of 35, or 40. By the time they choose to grow up by the age of 45, or 50 is too late. Nobody wants you. Nobody wants somebody who only became mature the age of 45, or 50.

00:25:57--> 00:26:05

And this is what happens when you don't plan your life. When you get caught up in this dunya and enjoyment that you end up ruining your own life.

00:26:07--> 00:26:44

Understanding what Allah wants for us is best for us. And what we want for ourselves, it's often not good for us. So follow the advice of the Quran and Sunnah and plan your life accordingly. Get married, young, have children young, have any children, all of this benefits you throughout your life. But if you following the the Nazi ideas of the West, then this is going to have negative repercussions for the rest of your life. So this is just an overview of what I believe the phases of life should look like if you follow my blueprint. And again, everyone's life is different, and everyone's coder is different.

00:26:46--> 00:26:50

Also want to talk a little bit about long term planning or long term thinking.

00:26:51--> 00:26:52

This is very important, right?

00:26:54--> 00:27:17

I mentioned this in the previous video, that too many of us these days have instant gratification. Mindset, we want things now we want to be wealthy within one year, we want a strong marriage within the first six months, you know, we want our children to be only are by age 15. We have ridiculous expectations. We want everything on the spot. And this is not how the world works. This is not how life works.

00:27:22--> 00:27:23

You have to think long term.

00:27:25--> 00:27:27

You really have to think long and you have to plan your life

00:27:28--> 00:27:42

several decades in advance, with a clear vision for your life. And now you have to think that I'm 20. Now, what do I want my life to be like by age 3040 5060? What do I need to do now to get

00:27:44--> 00:28:04

to many people don't think like that. They only think about the year and now you only think about I'm 20 I want to go out and have fun, right? And years go by with that mindset. And before you know it, an entire decade of your life has been wasted. Don't be that fool. Don't be somebody who's so foolish to waste the best years of their life

00:28:05--> 00:28:12

instead, and your life sit and think where do I want to be? What do I need to do to get there.

00:28:15--> 00:28:35

Another way of planning long term is to have children young, understand that fertility is strongest when we are young. As you get older, it gets harder to produce children and how to produce healthy children. Really, the best time to produce children is in your 20s and 30s and really should be stuck getting started in your 20s at least.

00:28:36--> 00:28:48

So there is Islamically not no downside to having children young. Allah increases your risk. He puts Baraka into your life. He

00:28:50--> 00:29:06

he's giving you these amazing children who are going to benefit you for the rest of your life. And Islamically there's nothing wrong with expecting your children to benefit you this it's this western hyper individualistic culture where children feel they don't owe their parents anything Islamically

00:29:09--> 00:29:24

you know, your parents and children have a very close relationship and it is the children duty to take care of their parents with old age. No, this is beautiful narration in our Buhari in the region, in his other words, more frog that a man will making the wife of the Kaaba

00:29:25--> 00:29:27

carrying his mother on his back.

00:29:28--> 00:29:36

And he went to one of the Sahaba I think it was Abdullah ibn Omar Rajagopal and asked him, this terroir for me do my mother or my back.

00:29:38--> 00:29:50

Does it make up for everything she did for me in my youth? And this hobby replied. It doesn't even make up for one labor pin. It doesn't even make up for one labor pain.

00:29:51--> 00:29:59

This is the attitude of the Sahaba that you owe your parents for life. So we should be taking care of our parents in old days.

00:30:00--> 00:30:38

Our children should be taken care of us in old age, their children should be taking care of them in old age. This is something we should teach our children early in life. And this is Islam is not abusive. This is not manipulation. This is not something that people don't deserve. This is Islam. Right? If someone takes care of their parents in old age, this is one of the shortest paths to gender. Your sins are forgiven for doing this. This is like one of the best good deeds that you can do. So how do you make sure you have children to take care of in the old age, by having children when you are young, have children when you are young, raise them well teach them to Dean, you know,

00:30:38--> 00:31:10

invest in them, make sure that they grow into amazing people, that by the time you reach old age, they should be in their 40s or 50s. They should be financially strong, and they should be able to take care of you and Inshallah, when they get to their old age, their children will be able to do the same. This is the Islamic way. Nowadays, we are seeing so many Muslim parents who are destitute, and who are out in the streets, and who are facing really difficult times because we have abandoned the Islamic way, and embrace the norms of the kuffar. May Allah forgive and guide our people this is it's ridiculous to me that people do this.

00:31:14--> 00:31:44

It's important for us to understand that anything worth having takes time, get out of the mindset of doing something quickly. Anything worth having takes time, it takes time to build a marriage, your relationships not going to be perfect overnight, we need to get to know each other, you need need to get used to each other, you need to become accustomed to each other's weaknesses and faults and quirks and strange habits. Or you need to grow together, you need to face the trials of life together.

00:31:45--> 00:32:20

And if you do all of this, then over time that marriage goes strong, but the strength of the marriage after 1015 20 years will be much stronger than after one or two years if you're working on it. But that takes time. It's not something you're going to get overnight. And same with children, your children another overnight thing, you need to invest these 20 years of your life into raising your children. Right if you want them to grow into amazing people. Same with finances, you're not going to become wealthy overnight, except from Allah has written that for right is the color of Allah if some people may become wealthy overnight, but for the majority of people, you have to work

00:32:20--> 00:32:51

for a very long time, you have to save money, you have to make investment, you have to spend 1015 20 years working hard to make money. Same with your career, you're not going to have that perfect job or perfect business or perfect whatever you want. When you're 21 or 22, you're gonna have to start at the bottom and work your way up slowly. And this is something everyone needs to understand. To get anything, you need to focus on long term, you need to focus on doing things slowly.

00:32:52--> 00:33:15

You cannot expect results quickly. Too many of us are expecting results quickly. And definitely our marriages are falling apart. That's where our finances are falling apart. As we our careers are falling apart. You know, so many young couples who get divorced in the first two or three years of marriage, they get divorced over such silly things that they had just a little bit of patience, it would have those things have become you know, non

00:33:16--> 00:33:34

non issues within a year or two. Because they might be quirks that your spouse will outgrow. And they become things that you realize they don't have another big deal, maybe something okay work through together as you get older and wiser. But instead, you know, we want that person to be perfect today, instead of realizing everybody is a work in progress.

00:33:35--> 00:34:21

Finally, one of my last bits of advice on long term thinking is I really believe that for most people, except from Allah scholar has written differently for for most people, if you work hard in your 20s and 30s, you can benefit of this for the rest of your life. People will really put their heart and soul into doing their absolute best in their 20s and 30s. This is something they can ride the wave of momentum that it builds for the rest of their life. But if you waste your 20s and 30s it is much harder to build yourself up later in life, you won't have the same level of energy, you won't have that. That same drive and motivation. It is much harder to start building yourself up in

00:34:21--> 00:34:53

your 40s and 50s. It's not impossible, people do do it. But it's harder. Don't waste the best years of your life. Don't waste your youth. Your 20s and 30s are the best time for working hard with it working hard on your marriage or working hard on your finances or working hard in your career. Working hard in your business. This is the best time to work hard. Doing so has long term benefits. So think long term. Don't think short term. Don't think I want to enjoy my 20s think I'm going to enjoy my life. Therefore I'm going to work hard in my 20s

00:34:55--> 00:34:59

my final advice on marriage and obviously we do have two bonus videos after this

00:35:00--> 00:35:42

This one will be on dealing with the trials of life and one a frequently asked question, but my final advice in general our marriage, number one, communication is key. Communication is key always communicate with your spouse, you're having problems, tell them what's wrong, you you are overwhelmed or stressed out, explain it to them. You not feeling well let them know. You have needs that are taken care of communicated. Communication is key. Too many times today, when people come in to see to have marriage problems, they don't really have a marriage problem. They have a communication problem. They have never told their spouse what they needed to tell them. So learn the

00:35:42--> 00:36:01

art of communication. Learn how to articulate yourself, well sit together, have honest heart to heart discussions, and this will solve many of your marital problems. Number two, Allah knows best. So trust His laws. Allah knows best. So trust His laws.

00:36:02--> 00:36:11

What's behind that tell us in the Quran, that perhaps you love something and it is bad for you and you hate something and it is good for you that ALLAH knows and you did not know.

00:36:12--> 00:36:55

So, three laws of marriage like this, Allah knows best. You love for marriage should be a certain way but Quran and Sunnah it's a different way. Just Allah, Allah is always best He created you, he knows what's best for you. Therefore what He has revealed is what is best for you. So follow His law, and you will always find that it will guide you to the life that is what has the most Baraka in it and the most pleasing to Allah. So trust Allah's laws and do not try to change them do not give preference to manmade laws over Allah's laws, do not move away from that which Allah has has revealed towards that which humans have invented. Number three, when in doubt, ask a scholar. When

00:36:55--> 00:37:17

in doubt, ask a scholar. I know in many aspects of marriage, there's difference of opinion, there's confusion. There's different schools of thought there's arguments online, don't follow people on Twitter, don't follow people on YouTube, don't follow people on Instagram, asked actual orlimar speak to people have knowledge. I speak to a scholar of humans and ask them and follow what they say.

00:37:19--> 00:37:57

Number four, never break up the family for trivial reasons. The family is a secret unit in Islam. Right? You have a marriage, try your best to make it work. Try your best and and realize that you and your spouse have both work in progress. You both have your faults, you both have your weaknesses, you both have your quirks that's part of being human. Don't break up your marriage over trivial reason. No pick up your marriage because your partner has a minus and there's no human out there without minor sense. Don't break up your marriage because your partner has a you know, they may smell in the morning, or they may have bad bread, or they may

00:37:58--> 00:38:35

have a gas problem. These are silly, silly reasons to break up a marriage. This is just people being human, almost anyone you manage is going to be mad, he's going to have these things. You know, don't don't break up your marriage because you don't like your sister in law, or because you don't like your brother in law, or don't break up your marriage. Because no, you're not feeling it anymore. Or because someone told you you deserve better. Or because you think the grass is greener on the other side, or because it doesn't look like the marriages you see on Instagram or Tiktok. Now, the only time you break up the marriage is when you've tried everything possible. And you've been to the

00:38:35--> 00:38:59

professionals for advice. Everyone tells you that this marriage is not good. It needs to be broken up. Right when you get Dell advice from people who hate divorce. People who hate divorce, if they are the ones advising you that this marriage needs to be broken up, you need a divorce. That's when you know you need to break up a marriage. But in general, always strive to make things work. Never strive to

00:39:00--> 00:39:41

never, never take the easy way out. That's the thing. Many people look at divorce as the easy way out. That you know if if I get a divorce don't have to deal with this person's nonsense anymore. When you have to deal with somebody else's nonsense, or loneliness, that's life. We all have to put up with each other. So Don't be childish, about about divorce, only divorce, go into divorce if there is no other way out. Otherwise, find ways to make it work. And always consult your elders and mentors for typical decisions, whether it's getting married, whether it's taking a second wife or a third wife or a fourth wife, whether it's going into a car, whether it's getting a divorce, whether

00:39:41--> 00:39:45

it's getting a whether it's

00:39:46--> 00:39:59

separating for a while, you know whatever it is you have a difficult decision to make. Speak to your Allama speak to your mentor, speak to a family elders, get the advice and follow the advice. Don't just do things on your own.

00:40:00--> 00:40:00


00:40:01--> 00:40:02


00:40:05--> 00:40:06


00:40:09--> 00:40:29

work on your relationship and never take it for granted. Understand that marital love is not like the love you have for your parents. The love you have for your parents is natural, it's dear from the moment you are born. And it lasts a lifetime, even if you do nothing with it,

00:40:30--> 00:40:39

that that love is always there. No matter how terrible the child gets their parents to love them. Even if it hurts, it's lovely, because you can't do anything about that love is natural.

00:40:41--> 00:40:55

The love between husband and wife is not there, from the time you're born, you meet this person sometime in your teens or 20s or 30s. And you may have never met them before in your life. But you get married, and you you fall in love with each other.

00:40:56--> 00:41:18

And this love is not because it isn't a bond that's there from the time you are born. It's something that that needs to be nurtured. It's something that can grow. And it's something that can decrease as well. Right marital love can increase and decrease depending on how you deal with your relationship. So

00:41:20--> 00:41:27

you will find that some people take their relationship for granted, they stopped spending time with their spouse, they stop talking to them.

00:41:28--> 00:42:06

You just assume that everything's fine. Sometimes they stop being intimate with each other for a long time. When that's happening, you should be worried because this means that relationships that is going up or down. Rather, find ways to keep falling in love with each other understand that every five or 10 years, you're going to be a different person and your spouse is going to be a different person. So fallen in love with who they are now. Right that the reasons why you love your spouse at the age of 20 will be very different from the reason why you love them at the age of 30 or 40. And you need to keep finding those reasons and you need to work on your relationship and never take it

00:42:06--> 00:42:44

for granted. never reach a point where you say you know what, I don't need to spend time with my spouse anymore. Our love is strong. When you stop spending time that love will collapse. So you have to keep nurturing it. Think of it as a plant. Buried Love is like a plant. If you water it, if you nurture it, if you take care of it grows stronger and stronger and stronger. But if you neglect it for too long, it dies. And people can fall in love and they can fall out of love. And they can fall right back in love again. And same thing just because you fell out of love with your spouse, you know you love them five years ago, you don't love them anymore. There's not a reason to jump

00:42:44--> 00:43:07

straight into divorce. Because if you fell in love with them before, you can fall in love with them again. Maybe I'll just haven't been working on the marriage recently. So instead of going straight for divorce, try working on the marriage try rebuilding the love side looking for go in there, start going for counseling. But understand that relationships, take work relationships, take communication to take effort.

00:43:08--> 00:43:48

You You should never take the love for granted. You should never take the marriage for granted. It should always be a priority in your life. Just like your work is a priority. Your Ibadat is a priority. Your children are priority. Your self care is a priority. Your relationship with your spouse is also a priority. Make time for your spouse every day, or three or four times a week. Make spouse, make quality time, spend quality time with your spouse, sit together, do things that you'll enjoy together, have deep conversations with each other. Make sure you're intimate frequently add value that's also very important intimacy builds bonds of love. Right, it's not a dirty act, it

00:43:48--> 00:44:22

builds bonds of love. The more frequent you have our building the bonds of love, the more in love with each other You're going to be and the less often you'll do that, the more likely it is that you can fall out of love. So do not take your marriage for granted. To not take each other for granted. Understand that this is something you need to keep working on. And if you reach a point in your marriage, where you feel like you're falling out of love with your spouse, communicate, seek advice from the elders, figure out what went wrong and try and rebuild it together.

00:44:23--> 00:44:59

Right. So this is something that you need to focus on. And the marriage is built on a strong foundation. If you have if you're doing everything that Allah wants you to do and your spouse to do everything that Allah wants them to do, and you're both doing it for the sake of Allah and you'll make time for each other and you'll spend quality time with each other and you spend quality time with your children and inshallah it will be strong, it will always be strong, right that love will always be strong, but the key is to prioritize a relationship and never to neglect it. If you can do that and inshallah you will always have strong marriages. So with that we come to the end, and we

00:44:59--> 00:44:59

just have two videos

00:45:00--> 00:45:17

sled that we will cover soon and in those videos we will cover how to handle the trials of life together as a team as well as the frequently asked questions about marriage to handle aerobic aerobic is at Yama eusipco Salaam normal saline with hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa salam alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh