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Dealing with loss

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Ismail Kamdar

Channel: Ismail Kamdar

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu was salam, ala Nabeel Karim Allah, Allah He was heavy in we began by praising Allah subhanho wa Taala. And asking Allah to send his peace and blessings upon the final prophet Muhammad, even Abdullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and all those follow his way with righteousness until the end of time. So exactly one week ago,

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on the day of Juma, we buried a family member who has to be from COVID.

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And

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he gave me a lot to think about a lot to reflect on. And that's kind of what I want to share with you today.

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Now, a few weeks ago, we did speak about the reality of debt, we spoke about being grateful during times of difficulty, we spoke about actualizing, tawakkol. And all of that comes together at a time like this. And so, just a few reflections on how to deal with the loss of loved ones in this world. I think that that's a topic we all need advice on, because every single day, we are getting three or four janazah notifications in every single community.

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And people don't know how to cope. And it's understandable because for the past two decades, you know,

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at most one person, you know, a yo every two years would pass away. Well, now it's almost every day that we are in or someone that we know, passing away. So how do we deal with this islamically right, so there's a few steps that we need to keep in mind when it comes to dealing with the loss of a loved one or the loss of a loved one.

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The first step is to say in daily life, or in a neurology home and and this is mentioned in both the Quran and the Hadith. So in the Quran, in Surah Baqarah, Allah Subhana Allah says that everybody will be tested with loss of life and loss of wealth and things like this. And then he said, give good news to those who are patient, those who when the calamity strikes, they say in the law, he was in the illogical. And so this exact phrase is mentioned in the Quran.

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As what Allah tells us to say, when a calamity strikes note, it's not. It's not restricted to debt, as a lot of Muslims must understand. It's any calamity, a loss of wealth, loss of a job loss of a business, any worldly calamity that strikes us the response that brings about the assistance of Allah subhanho wa Taala

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is to say in the law, he was in the illegal raggio. To allow we belong into humanity.

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And when we say this, then

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what we are doing is we are acknowledging that this is from Allah.

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Right, the acknowledging these from Allah. Number two, we are accepting the color of Allah.

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Number three, we are

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expressing sober,

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over what has just happened. Number four, we are reminding ourselves that everything ends, notice we don't see that he is from Allah, and to Allah, he returned, we say that we are from Allah and to allow, we will return. So we remind ourselves, that this individual, or this thing that we lost,

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Allah is the one who gave it to us or to get away, but also our own lives, our own souls are from Allah. And when Allah wills, He will take that away, as well. And so it's a very humbling reminder that everything around us is finite, it's going to end.

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And so when something ends, we remind ourselves in early LA, he were in LA he raggio.

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And we see this mentioned in Hades as well. And you know, there's a beautiful Hadith about when someone whose child were allowed to handle ask the angels, you know, how do they respond? And the angels say that they responded with praising you and saying, Allah who an ugly Raji own, as Allah asked her, the angels to build for that person in general, a house and to call it the house of praise. And so in this Hadees, we see two responses to losing a loved one. I mean, this is for losing a change. Of course, it applies to other loved ones as well, because this is the hardest type of loss, right? So the two things the angels mentioned one is what we just mentioned in the library,

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nailing Raji or the other is

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Develop. Now, that sounds strange, that sounds strange that when we lose a loved one, we say Alhamdulillah because we are conditioned to think that we say Alhamdulillah at good news. And then we say or hamdulillah when things go our way. But we go back to what I said a few weeks ago, that we are supposed to show gratitude, even on difficult occasions, even when things are bad.

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Alhamdulillah is a statement that should come on the tongue of the believer in every situation, it is the color of Allah, for every situation.

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How does it fit in with debt? How did hamdulillah for dealing with debt? Well, you could be seeing a hamdulillah that person has to be upon him on a hamdulillah they had a good ending, and hamdulillah they looked good life. They are things to say Alhamdulillah for

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at the very least, you are saying that hamdulillah not because of anything for that person, but because of Allah is that in every situation or company. That's why we also have this phrase in our culture of Alhamdulillah Allah,

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if we please Allah, in every condition, showing that we don't just see the good times in every condition. hamdulillah Al Hamdulillah, if you can think of something to be grateful for you see, Al Hamdulillah, Allah, that Allah be pleased, whatever condition I may be, Allah is the worthy of praise. And so praising Allah is also part of the process of the believer of dealing with debt.

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And it's interesting that when we pray this illogical janaza according to many of them, you have to recite Surah Al Fatiha indigenous and the opening words of surah Bhatia Alhamdulillah. So again, you are pleasing Allah subhanho wa Taala. The third thing that we need to keep in mind when it comes to dealing with the loss of a loved one is that it is okay to be sad, and it is okay to cry. And there is a misconception in some cultures, including my own, that it's haram to cry or it's sinful to cry, or that crying is expressing displeasure with Allah subhanho wa Taala. And we see sometimes someone's on the verge of breaking down and full of tears and they want to cry and they want someone

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to hug them and control them. And people certainly don't cry, don't cry, not allowed to cry. This is not traditional Korea. This is this is not for Islam. This is our culture, right.

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The Islamic thing to do, is to cry, without seeing anything that is displeasing to Allah to cry without seeing anything that is displeasing to Allah. Not only is this permissible, but you could even argue that this is sooner. Because when the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam son Ibrahim passed away, he cried.

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And the Sahaba asked him, you also cry when we lose a loved one. And the prophets said that the Hartfield said and the eyes tear, but we will only say that which is pleasing to us.

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And so, that's the sooner reaction. It is 100% fine. In fact, it is healthy, to feel sad. And to express their sadness to tears, and, and to console each other and to hug each other and to let each other feel those feelings is completely permissible and part of our religion. And therefore, when you see someone who is in tears, because they've lost a loved one, don't shout them. Don't admonish them, don't tell them not to cry, give them a hug. Of course they are right, give them a hug, and control them. And let them feel those feelings. The only time should ever stop them is if they're about to see something that is displeasing to Allah with the handle done. Now, some people might

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argue that over there are certain narrations about the prophets or some stopping someone from grieving and you have to understand those integrations in context, they are talking about a practice for the Arabs at that time, we a woman would go to the grave and they would scream and cry and they would how and they would they would cry in this manner. That's not permitted. Right, this exaggerated

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outburst of emotion, that's what's not allowed, but for tears to come out of the eyes. Nothing wrong with this at all the profits or loss on himself cry, so we should not stop ourselves or others from doing so as well so that people could eat and let people experience what they need to experience and feel what they need to feel. The only time we should step in is if they're about to say or do something that is displeasing to Allah subhanho wa Taala is the only time when we should interfere otherwise, crying is the normal human reaction to losing those whom we love. Another example of it because again, you this part This thing is so

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strongly ingrained in our culture, that even after quoting the fact that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam himself cried at the death of a loved one, some people will say no, no, it's not. It's not right. It's not possible. He was a prophet that's not for us. So another example of that, the prophet SAW some beloved cousin Java. Right? Hello, Andrew, right. Java was the first cousin of the prophet SAW the 77 of Abu Talib. And they grew up together. So they weren't just cousins, but they were actually like best friends. Very, very close relationship. And

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Joshua was martyred in the in the Battle of wood. And the prophets, all of a sudden, he goes to the house of Jaffa to convey this news to his family. And Jennifer's wife, asthma, and children, they are waiting for him for it for Java to arrive. And he doesn't, and the profit comes instead. So all the children they go to have the profit because of course, this is not just the profit. This is the uncle, this is the family. They love him, he loves them. And he hugs the children. And while he's hugging the children, as Mother Teresa story, she says that she can see in his face that something is wrong.

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And she narrates that she's afraid to ask, because she already knows in her heart, what he's going to say.

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So the proper solution tells her that Jennifer has has passed away. And then the narration says, you could you heard the people crying in the house of Java. You could hear them crying, because Java has a lot of children. And of course, his wife and of course, if he had, you know this, this family that loved him that really, really loved him. If you study his life, you'd see what a close family he had. And so his family Christ, and the prophets are some goes to his wives, right to the Prophet comes out and tells them to prepare food for the family of Jaffa. Because grief has overtaken because they are preoccupied with grief. Note he doesn't stop them from grieving. He doesn't tell

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them don't grieve. He didn't tell them don't feel sad. Instead, he tells his family take care of them, because they are grieving. And that brings me to the next point. The next point is notice that the prophets while your solemn tells his family, to prepare food for the widows and orphans of the deceased, they don't go to the house of the widow expecting food. Again, a problem with our culture, our culture when someone dies, you know, people turn into a feast, they all gather at the house of the deceased, and they expect a huge meal. And so the disease has to deal with the death of a loved one.

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And the others out to show the emotion because of culture. And on top of that, they have to prepare this huge meal because of culture. And this is, you know, it's a psychological oppression of people, which has nothing to do with our religion at all. This is not Islam. Rather, this is the opposite of the center.

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Instead, we need to revive the sooner. The sooner is when someone loses a loved one. You do what you can for you, you step up and do what you can for them, you don't expect things from them, you don't expect them to prepare food for you. You don't expect them to have some lodgings for you in your hometown, you'd expect anything from the day or grieving they are dealing with debt, let them grieve, let them be, you offer your services, if you can provide for them food, provide for them food, if you can handle some of the janazah expenses handled the genetic expenses, if you can lead a janazah or how badly the body or or do the hustle or do some good deeds on behalf of the deceased,

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whatever it is, at the very least, fulfill the rights of the deceased, which is to attend the janazah. And then to control the family, at least to that much.

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The point is, it is against the center to burden the family of the deceased. And we have to get rid of this cultural practice because it is creating an unnecessary difficulty on top of another problem, people are really dealing with the problem of losing a loved one. And on top of that, we built another difficulty, which is to not have to prepare food for hundreds of people who are coming for the funeral, which is extremely, extremely unfair upon them. And again, the opposite of what the prophets also told people to do when someone passed away.

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So we mentioned so far for things

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to say in the league Are you in ideology on to say Alhamdulillah to

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the devil was sorry, actually slipped my mind with it was right, it was to cry or to x. There is nothing wrong with crying. And the fourth one was that we take care of the family and don't expect anything from them. Right there's two more points.

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I wanted to mention related to dealing with debt at that time. The first one is handling the janazah itself, handling the entire process of digenova. itself. This, again, we don't have time to go into the janaza. And how to do it every month has some nuances and differences are just the few basics that everybody agrees upon. In Islam, when someone passes away, we must bury them as soon as possible, and we should bury them, it is preferable to bury them in the town when he passed away. Right? Now we know in some cultures we have this way the body is transported to another country that is permissible. But if you want to go with the student, if you want to give the person, the most

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student that did possible, embedded embedded passed away, I guess my advice to everyone do that, to give them the best ending by the Allah wanted him to possibly get landed typically.

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Now that's not always possible. But that is, the sooner the sooner is found across the board is to do it as soon as possible. So this idea of waiting a long time, like one or two days before bailing someone, this is against us. 100. This is a student that is still part of our culture, and still found in many parts of the Muslim world that we bury the person the same day they passed away. Now some people go to the extreme in this. Like, for example, if someone passed away, and some family members are on the way to the town for the janazah. And they are about 30 minutes or an hour away. And then someone has to say to Islam said we have to believe him as soon as possible. So don't worry

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about those people we have in the janazah right now. And they could have waited 24 months, they could have waited one hour, so that the loved ones would come in at the end the janazah he would have still fitted within the sooner of doing it as soon as possible. Right. So I would say as long as it's within 24 hours, this is fine.

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You should give people a time that you're going to do it and you shouldn't expect extending past that time by too much. And the time should be sufficient for people who are within reasonable range to drive down fly down to the town so that they can attend the janazah to delayed by 24 hours or more this now becomes problematic and against our Sharia. Right. So yes, Houston digitizer heavy as soon as possible. But again, at the same time, consider the feelings of people. If it is possible to wait for someone, wait for them. If it is not possible for them, and let them know, let them know that you have empathy for them. And you understand this is something that's very important. And just

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one more point on something I noticed in all communities. When it comes to these things, we take a very ritualistic hardcore

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understanding where we show absolutely no empathy for each other. It's all about do this, don't do that. This is bizarre, this is horrible. You are wrong, this is wrong, that is wrong. And he's always had corners. And you know, somebody is grieving. And they go into the process of grieving and somebody else putting a book out or they had seen disappear, or someone else's fighting with them that you take me too long with the janazah or you know with the Western industry or, or the while you may choose to short or just relax, relax. Our religion is a religion of peace. And it's a religion of tolerance as a religion really our differences of opinion in how to do these things. A

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funeral is not a time to impose your understanding of Islam and those around you. This is a very nonsensical way to deal with things. It's not going to bring about any good, it is insensitive. It's going to lead to fights. It can break family ties, no good comes out of it.

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Learn to Read the ruler to look at Okay, people are grieving. Let me console them Now's not the time to fight to them and force my opinion upon them and force my pick upon them. It's not the time it's not the place. Empathy is acquired with the traffic issues like how long can we treat janaza or its Akita issues like what kind of good deeds reached a dead or not? If you have, you know, for example, we have this difference of opinion between the Muslims that in the Hanafi madhhab reciting Quran for the dead reaches them while in some of the other Muslim it does not reach them. So you go to 100 v home and people are reciting Quran for the dead. Let them be, don't force your opinion upon them.

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This is a legitimate difference of opinion between the mothers, we have to learn to have empathy, especially at times like this. The final point I want to mention regarding dealing with debt is regarding the person who passed away What can you do for them? Well, again, the many long vigils that go into this I just want to mention a few things that I believe all of us should do for the deceased, number one, speak only good about him. Whatever

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faults you know about the person who passed away. Don't say it. Don't talk about your faults, if someone died upon demand mentioned only the qualities, right, you know, someone, for example, never, you know, maybe they had a bad habit that you knew about. Nobody needs to know. That's between them and Allah. Right. But they had also a good habit that you knew about, talk about the good happens, mentioned the good deeds. Our religion, again is a religion of optimism. And at the time of death, we want to be optimistic. And even after that, we want to be optimistic about the person in our favor. So we will mention the good about the person you need to offer them We ask Allah to forgive

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the mistakes in default will ask Allah to accept the good deeds, because at the end of the day, also remember how you treat others is how you will be treated. We all have our faults, we all have our sins, you all have our own mistakes. And if after someone else died, we are picking on their faults in picking up their mistakes and exposing it since the same thing can happen to us. The same thing can happen to us, be respectful to the dead, they have passed on wherever their sins were, that's between them and Allah, make dua for them, you know, do good deeds for them as to what good deeds you can do for the dead. Again, the must haves differ on this, just a few things that that's agreed

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upon. And really all of us should be doing for our family members who have passed away. Number one, give charity on their behalf, give charity on their behalf and do this. Whenever you think about them ever, you get a chance to do so ideally, it should be a form of sacajawea of continuous reward. So building a well, you know, in their name, or building a Masjid in their name, or building an orphanage or school in the name was just something that's going to be a continuous source of reward for the individual who has passed away. This is something that even after we pass away, will continue to benefit that person. So this is one of the things we can do is to give charity on their

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behalf. The second thing that's agreed upon that we can do for them is to make up for them, that our to us benefit them. And you know hamdulillah nowadays, we live in a time where someone passes away someone can post about social media, and 1000s of people can make to offer that person. While in the past, it would just be the community, we've reached a point where the entire market make to offer one person in a single day. And this is really an honor Allah has given us this chance that if we pass away the entitlement can we begin to offer so be generous with you to us be generous with you to as a means to our for those who have passed away

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to us that you should be making for them that Allah forgives their sins, that Allah accepts the good deeds, that Allah expands and lights up the green light enters them into gender. These are the doors of which we making for the reasons the ranking agenda, these are the things that we should be doing for them. So to recap, when someone passes away, we express our sober by saying in the law, what in ideology own, we say Alhamdulillah because we pay a lot on a pulley hub, then we are allowed to grieve for up to three days I forgot to mention that for up to three days you're allowed to grieve. After that you pull yourself together and you get on with life. This is a psychological thing that

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helps you to move forward. So you don't fall into depression. Right. So you put yourself together and you move forward, the only time you allowed to grieve for more than three days is for a woman if her husband has passed away, right? Every other case, after three days, you pull yourself together, and you move forward, yes, you still feel sad, you still can hear but you don't allow it to stop you from going about your daily life. So it's fine to be satisfying to believe it's fine to shed tears, all of this is fine. Number four, do what you can for the family of the deceased, don't expect the family of the deceased to take care of you, the sooner is to take care of the family of the

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deceased, not the opposite, right? Number six is that the janazah should be done according to the sooner so we do it as soon as possible. And you know, it is it should be done with a group. And

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there's many other things that that religion is not janazah. But again, keeping in mind empathy, empathy, understanding that there are differences of opinion. So perhaps in your mind, have you patient as a one way there must be another way. Let go of things like that. You may be in your mouth have you know you don't recycle and for the dead and others have they do again, just let it go. It's not a time to fight. So yes, we should do things according to the sooner but don't try to impose your understanding of the sooner on somebody else who's trying to follow the understanding of the sooner and the final point is after the person's past to be you know, anytime you think about it,

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even if it's 10 years later, 20 years later, try to do some good deeds and at halfway it's setting up sources of Sahaba Giardia for them when he's giving charity on their behalf already to make into our for them, at the very least speaking good about him. Speaking good about him is he

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Good Deed, and it is something that is rewarding. And something that helps to keep the legacy alive and help people to remember them in a positive light. They all look around, there's all good lives upon him and it gets funny upon him on and he does a good ending and for all those who have passed away, we don't want him to look around them gender and forgiveness for their sins. May Allah light up the graves and expand it for them. May He protect us from this virus. And for those who are seeking to heal them for the past, we may accept it as the martyrdom from them to the hand or obesity or mercy pool was Salam ala mursaleen