Prophetic Communication #02 Introduction
Channel: Hasib Noor
Series: Hasib Noor - Prophetic Communication
File Size: 53.13MB
Episode Transcript ©
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Hola hamdulillah Sato Salam Rasulillah usafa has been along the study I have even I want to be in Omaha masseuse and if it already was sunny LA Homoserine Mubarak and have you been able to be number homicides, infidelity Allahumma Salli ala have even wanna be no Hamas La La Heidi was salam Aquila that kind of a decade on liberar Wakulla Maha FindAGrave off Iran, all praises which will last forever who knows what we reveal and knows what we can seal and even knows what the animals feel. We thank him we praise Him and on him we have alliances. It is to him we only turn to for guidance. We asked him to send his peace, his blessings, His mercy on the best of human beings and prophets,
Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam on whom he prays until the very end of our days, we asked him for steadfastness, guidance, mercy and to never lead us astray, and for him to save us on Judgement Day. So we welcome hamdulillah to our discussion on prophetic communication, prophetic communication. And we spoke about how this is such an essential discussion.
And unfortunately, has not been emphasized enough in our community. Even though if you look at the entirety of the Prophet Mohammed Salah Hadith and Sunnah, if you look at his life, if you look at his,
his own interactions with people, we learn
a brunt of the guidance of the Prophet Mohammed sly salam from how he communicated with people.
And that's why it's moving of us to study it from the lens of how to communicate, not just simply look at breaking down the guidance, he actually said. And that's an emphasis I want to I want to make from two angles. One of them is that our community went through
an immense emphasis on the outward actions of faith. To such an extent that we, we didn't actually emphasize enough on the interaction component. Even though many of the greatest of scholars of Islam, they actually said, we studied, added
for, for example, in America, I studied Adam for 17 years.
Now, Adam, can be translated to many things character,
it can be code of conduct, can be ethos, but it can also be translated as interaction. And that, in essence, is how you are in the best Code of Conduct when you're interacting with others. So when they taught their children, they taught them edit.
And he said 17 years meaning what eBUY Matic
mahalo Tada, what he was being taught is how to, in essence, refine one's character, and be the epitome of the Sunnah in practice, before we talk about rulings and details, and etc. And one of the problems that we had in the community is that we focused on the outward components of our faith and kind of sideline to the discussions of interactions, the discussions of what is the epitome of code of conduct and character for what is the correct way to act, the correct way to do something, excuse me. And this is problematic because when we focus on the correct way of doing something, but not the correct way of interacting with others while we're doing it, we're actually going against an
injunction on the Quran. Allah subhanaw taala says, one open default one on either Albee will fragomen Humbly
O Muhammad, civilize if you were harsh hearted,
and Knievel starts off with a interaction, its source is the heart, if you were a harsh hearted person, they would have turned their backs on you and left you and walked away from you and not accepted from you. So it's amazing that the prophesy sentiment is actually directed in the Quran.
That it is, in fact, the source of your interaction starts from the heart, from a spiritually refined heart. From a soft heart from a heart that understands how to interact with people, you will be able to then give the guidance of faith if you don't consider what our teachers taught was called fifth call.
For call morale and faithful morale, that means understanding the end result in consequences of things before you do them.
If you don't think about this, then there is no benefit in your knowledge of this is halal. This is how long other than you know what for yourself, but as far as for delivering it to others.
This may consider maybe even maybe bring about more harm.
Because Allah Subhan This is the eye of the Quran. disciplining the Prophet salallahu audio center, that it important how one delivered as much as what they deliver. So imagine if our community focused so much and we all live through this
We're from Austin here, you all know, are the clay. I've known him for a long time. Brother, Brother Mohammed massage.
We focused on so much on the outward components of is this action I'm doing according to the Sunnah, which is an important component. But then we don't consider the component of how do I interact with other people when I'm trying to follow the Sunnah of the Prophet. So I said, we kind of like, almost avoided this kind of discussion, even though our scholars said, if you try to deliver something that is Sunnah, which is a quarter, which, in essence can mean the way of the Prophet Muhammad SAW, I said, and it can also mean a recommended action. Right, as you all know, different contexts depends on what you refer to as the Sunnah.
And the people dislike your delivery and how you're giving it to them, not based on what you're saying, not based on the truth, not based on, they don't like you telling them, this is a facet of our faith. We're not talking about that. Because you're you and I are commissioned to deliver the truth whether people are like it or they don't. We have values, whether people like the values that we have, or they don't like their values that they have in America, but if it's upon you only to deliver, we're not talking about the acceptance of truth. We're talking about the deliverance and method of truth, the modality of truth, if people don't like, and don't appreciate the format of how
they're being spoken to, how they're being addressed, and how their concern is being delivered, then the scholars will say this person is actually in fact, not practicing the Sunnah, that they're trying to deliver to others.
And this is why, unfortunately, our interactions have been dictated increasingly by the toxic effects of social media, where it's like your entire life is like a comment section.
Whether you speak on WhatsApp, whether you speak on Facebook, whether you speak on Twitter, whatever, Instagram, all these things, and essentially, it becomes a war of words. And you lose sight of the person that you're speaking to, in order to try to win hearts. And that's why the Prophet Tyson was always, always
had in mind the long game as they say, the long game was that long game me geopolitical theory means don't worry about the short gains that you may make, but the long gain for the good of the country, for the good of the society, etc, you have to think far ahead, not just think short sightedly. And when you think short sightedly, you might be
perturbed about something that's, that's happening at the here and now. But if you try to address that, it will actually cause a greater harm.
But if you were to understand the long run the long game, you may overlook certain wrongs. Now, in order to win over a greater benefit in the future. The prophet is also set up was described with this, and this is a very powerful method of communication that we're going to be discussing. In essence, today, inshallah is Majan. Some of the prophets Allah, Allah Hodgson's manners in dealing with people. And what we're going to do is, we're going to start a running commentary of a book
by ships on hemorrhagic called, called how he dealt with them.
How he dealt with them, it's pretty straightforward. However, the province doesn't interact with people, we're just giving you a long introduction. And these two sessions are shallow. And we're discussing some of the key things which we believe are essentials in communication. And and then we're going to discuss how the Prophet peace be upon him, in effect was an effective communicator and interactions while he fulfilled the principles that we discussed. We mentioned last time that relationships end or fail, according to the Gottman Institute, based on four primary reasons. Okay. And the number one reason was what?
contempt, contempt, resentment, resentment, meaning what if a relationship leads to the level of contempt and resentment, no one's gonna listen to you. No one's gonna care what you have to say. And also relationships meaning here, in this case, marriage will end in divorce.
Okay, so apply the same thing to others. It doesn't have to be a spouse, or husband or wife. It also is true for when you're trying to speak to someone else. If you resent that person or have them in contempt, you're not going to listen to to that individual. They're not going to listen to you. So we spoke about that
And we spoke about the antidote for that contentment, and that is what Gottman referred to as building fondness and admiration.
And how they do did that in couples that had broken down content and resentment is they would remind them of the bonds that brought them together. Meaning how did you all meet those will be like a first discussion. What does that mean? Meaning what? What was the common factor that you all fell in love? And Subhan Allah we said Allah subhanho wa Taala says that in the Quran, while tensa AlphaGo rabbinical do not forget the favor the mutual favor and virtue that you have over one another fallen hears in the Arabic language is a very powerful word followed is something that someone has over you that you cannot repay.
So who has fallen over your parents? Can you ever repay your parents try to as as Mr. Macabre the law is that if you were to carry your mother on your back to do pilgrimage and Hajj, it wouldn't fulfill one contraction she had when she was giving birth to you.
Allah says in the Quran, that even if your parents fight you fight physically Wayne Jahad akoma right and if they fight you to commit ship to this believe
don't obey them, but saw him who left dunya amount of fun but rather big it with them in this world in the best of companionship.
So I want you all to understand, like this level of what assaulted me, okay, so fogal in the context of parents is well known in the context of spouses. Allah says here what utensil for bloody nickel? Don't forget the virtue and and and favor that this spouse had over you, how much they dealt with you how much they were there for you how much they sacrificed for you. Yes, they sacrifice their youth for you, for example, the very bare minimum. For women, they sacrifice maybe their careers. For men, they sacrifice, you know, their, their health for, for being there for the family, so many things that one should take into consideration. Okay, this is why we for reconciliation, there's if
there's irreconcilable differences, guess what Allah still says what it says in public. You know, the idea is actually said, in the context of divorce, not even in the context of marriage isn't as powerful. It's very powerful. And that's why Allah says if you have marital problems, either join BSN Auto City from BSN, joined with excellence and camaraderie and you trying to find mutual understanding, or
separate, in the best of ways, well, that hands on, don't forget the virtue you had over you.
Look at the lofty character, our Lord guides us to. So
this in applying to communication, the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him, so Allah Hi. So
like we said, in our first session, the number one characteristic of the prophets, Allah Islam and communicating with people is Telaga, humility.
When you deal with people, you don't deal with them with your status, you don't deal with them with your wealth, you don't deal with them with your money, you deal with them with humility. And that is applied more so with the closest to you, then branching out humility. And that's why if a person perfects this, and if they know they have a serious ego problem, that they cannot overcome their ego in argumentation because they have to always be right.
Okay, or they cannot admit their mistake.
Or they cannot apologize. Remember, these are three distinct things I'm telling you. Okay? They're not all one thing. There are human beings, they can never apologize ever.
Whether you're a man or a woman, if this is a characteristic that you have, this must be solved or this is one of the primary diseases of the heart.
This is one of the primary diseases of the heart. If a person cannot admit to their mistakes, that means they're not their heart is not susceptible for rectification.
If that's the case with human beings, how's it going to be with Allah subhanaw taala.
And that is why one of the ways that actually helps us to overcome our own egos is what? Our relationship with God, our relationship with Allah because what are you doing? What am I and you doing constantly? We're admitting our mistakes to our Lord.
We're saying Oh Allah, I admit,
I admit that I've done
In this, I've admit, and Allah says Viet fact that's your admittance is a cause of your forgiveness. We mentioned the Hadith last time that Allah says,
My servant has recognized that they have a lord that forgives, so I have forgiven them by the fact that you simply admitted that you need to admit your sin to a lord that forgives, ALLAH forgive you for that reason, not even the reason that you asked for forgiveness, according to the Hadith, of the Prophet is also so admittance is, is a very beautiful character.
A puppet being someone who can apologize
is a very beautiful character is the height of, of manliness and height of womanliness, that if a person can admit to their mistakes admit to they're wrong, and what they can let their ego go for the sake of a higher cause. And that's why the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu sallam said, I'm emphasizing this because we've covered this already, but just for those who hadn't been here, Prophesy selama says, I guarantee the highest and best place and the middle part because that's the highest and best, the middle
part of paradise for the one who gives up an argument even if they're,
even if they think that right.
If this doesn't apply, you think this applies to you when you're either if I'm in somebody's getting in an argument with you, and they cut you off and whatever, I'm gonna give this up, or when you're at your job and somebody's arguing with you, and you say I'm gonna give this up for the sake of Allah. Now, this first primarily starts with your relationships. It starts with those closest to you.
You're arguing in our in what happens What does Allah say back to the original topic? Back to the original point, back to the injunction from Allah to his prophets. I seldom don't forget the bigger picture. Where's the long game? Is it worse that you lose a person because of an argument? Even you might think this is a very essential thing?
Because of the way the argument is going about somebody becomes belligerent, somebody becomes defensive, somebody who stops hearing and listening. No, it's not you said no problem.
Yeah, you're right. No problem. 100%. We can talk about this later, possibly.
So that all stems from what?
Humility humility person who has humility will not be harsh hearted. And inculcating humility is first of all inculcated with your Lord, be a person who often admits their mistakes to Allah.
And it's not just a suffered law today, we've gotten too accustomed to make this the easy way out. It's literally admitting your faults, raising your hand saying, Well, I did this, this, this, this and this, forgive me.
And when you built this, then it becomes easier to do so with human beings because if you can't do that with your Lord,
then it's then it's gonna be more difficult to deal with human beings.
We also discussed the other
forms of relationship
We said the first one is content. Okay.
And Godman mentions,
these four other ones, these three other ones. So, the other one is criticism.
The third one is defensiveness. And the fourth one is stonewalling. So we've talked about contempt, attacking people
sense their sense of self with an intent to insult or abuse. Okay, so and the use of a law is alone, no matter who was in front of him, even Abuja had never attacked people, their their sense of self, or a sense of an abuse way.
And we call this emotional abuse in our language in our time. motional abuse is when you attack somebody's essence, identity, you are worthless. For example, say you are someone that is, you know, that has no sense or ability to listen. What do you do, you're attacking yourself.
It's no longer an argument now. It's become ad hominem of the person and then you start selling narratives, even with Abuja University, you're out with your head, you will never listen. We don't hear this in a single ad, even the prophets I send them even to Abuja, but rather he engaged the person
with some elements of
Here is an element of content. If a person has a sharp tongue, they must refine their responses, they must be able to train their responses
and that the way we hear from the Prophet alayhi salatu salam
is a Nabi SallAllahu Sallam would always engage the person in what they felt what he felt are the sorts of Salam was the exact problem directly. One of the problems that we have is that we don't engage people directly, we let it sit. And then when a time of anger comes, it's, it's what comes off, and blows up. Because why, why don't want to make a big deal out of it, okay? You don't want to make a big deal of it now, then why bring it up later, when it's going to cause a bigger problem. And the reason I said learn, would approach people directly. And, and, and deal with the problem directly. And that is why in our cultures, in our, in our amongst our families, the more people have
this habit of like, don't worry about it, don't worry about it, the more actually they have elements of contempt, translated in grudges.
This is a reality, because why they have no ability to actually deal with their problems. So what do they do, they constantly avoid them, then they hold grudges.
And these grudges then transform into animosity, why? Because they simply don't have the ability to simply reach out to someone they disagree with.
in a meaningful way, there's zero abilities, your communication, ability to do so there's zero emotional intelligence to be able to do that. And if a person begins to, to practice and discipline themselves to do so, if you have a problem with someone speak to that person directly.
What are some of the ways people do not, they sideline go to, they don't go to person A, they go to person B, pour out their entire heart, they're not seeking advice, it's just literally gossip for their entire heart out to person B, what does Person B do go back to person A, and you know, this person has a problem with you and this and that. And what happens, person A pours their heart out to this person C about Person B,
or whatever a letter that was okay. And in essence, this person goes back to that individual and this kind of like triangle of, of hatred, without actually solving it directly. And maybe still the law they still
did not do that does not to hear enjoined many of the Sahaba if they had direct problems, to go speak to that individual, to go speak to that individual and the prophets, I said, I'm even said that the one who carries this gossip from one person to another, they will not smell the scent of paradise.
They will not smell the center. This is a very big sin. Why? Because not only are you gossiping, which is already a major sin. But the person is carrying
the gossip of what someone said to the person that they said it about.
My uncle, he told me a beautiful example in Persian. He said that if you
when a person comes to you to tell you about what someone else said,
about you, you know what they're doing. It's as if someone was trying to aim at you with an arrow, bow and arrow. And what they did is they launched it and they missed. So the guy found an arrow, and he took it and he came and stab you in the heart with it. That's exactly what they're doing. And one of our teachers, he said that the solution for this is at different levels of terseness. But the solution for this is to simply tell the person I don't wanna hear.
I don't hear, thank you. I don't, this is not going to benefit me. Thank you so much. Where's one of our, one of our teachers, if a person would come and say, Do you know what such and such person said about you, he would tell him straight forward to shut up. In fact, he was elder and age and probably could do that. Right? But it tells you how serious the matter is. Even in elements of, of manners. He would tell them straight forward
to be quiet. We're gonna He's older and age. So you can do that. I mean, you people were younger ages, it's just avoid from that kind of thing unless they're the same age maybe. But to get the point across this is extremely, this is a this is an extremely,
you know, unacceptable type of behavior that better build content. And that's why when it comes to relationships, my brothers, my sisters, I will offer you all some advice, especially those who are single because hamdulillah they're still able to kind of salvage one we got to tell you, those who engage in what I'm about to tell you after they were married, Allah, Allah help you all try to rectify it. And that is
do not make it a habit.
Especially in the beginning and especially tell each other as a spouse and as a husband and wife.
Do not carry your problems to your
Emilie's to vent. Um, I'm just venting to my sister about my, my problem with my husband. I'm just venting to my mother about the problem. Stop that this is not okay. There's no such thing as let me vent the problem, because what you're doing is essentially just building animosity in the mind of someone else. And creating further problems.
Does that mean that there is no outlet for advice? Of course not. But you go to an What do you go to an advice for somebody that always takes your side and say, Oh, really, what a horrible person, you go to seek advice from a person that will correct you.
That's what seeking advice is for. If you're going to someone that's validating your feelings and emotions, and judging
an issue, which they themselves haven't heard from the other side, what it does is simply cause more problems.
And how many people they don't have this ability to communicate. So what happens is they go to each other's families, they they've, they've shared with each other, the problems mutually, they come back, it's a normative disagreement between husband and wife, they probably are going to rectify it over night or two, whatever. And then those families that have increased animosity against one another, because of their bad suspicion of the husband, the bad suspicion of the wife, or she's like that. And those things trend, those things, you think they're just they're put in the some kind of imaginary emotional bank? Of course not. They translate to human interaction. So there's a sense of
terseness maybe with them. And this is why husbands and wives should not ever share their interactions, especially problematic interactions with anyone
unless, unless it comes to the point of complete communication breakdown, where they cannot solve their problems. And they need what Allah says in the Quran, Hackerman Malala, your Hakka move area,
a judge from her side and a judge from his side that will solve the problem, or will we call today counseling?
Right? When there's a complete breakdown of communication, that's when you get across when there's no communication, you can neither side is listening at all. There's no progress being made period. This is a time for counseling, when someone is being belligerent to that level. Or if a person is genuinely seeking advice for how to act and in a certain situation, what they need to do.
Who is the one seeking it the person you're not going there to seek some kind of judgment on the other. This is not mostly her. This is called self validation and victimization. Nowadays, you're trying to victimize yourself to feel validated and justified. And this is dangerous, because you're a person who feels victimized or reserved for who victimizes and self validates
the person who is actually trying to judge and validate is doing a bigger harm
to the one they're listening to,
than they actually are trying to seek a solution for. And that is why mostly hat has to do with the person that is being addressed. Period. Someone comes to me says this person did this to me, and this person did that to me, and this person did this to me. Your advice to this person on that person is meaningless. You weren't there. What what are you going to give advice on that person for, you have to redirect the conversation in what this person in front of you can do in terms of communicating with the other person in terms of dealing with the other person. That's what you can do in terms of NASA. That's what the prophetic art of communication is.
Right? Now, everything we've talked about as we speak, we're speaking about normative interact, interaction, normative disagreements, normative miscommunications and etc. We're not talking about of course, the the extreme insane, the extremes and exceptions, physical abuse and domestic violence. None of that applies to what I'm telling you, because that's this is this is a higher level, somebody who's being physically violent, somebody who's being emotionally abusive, right, somebody who's being absolutely belligerent. This requires higher level of counseling. It's not just a normal level of see how the patient etc No, no, this is this needs to be dealt with at a very,
very, very specific level. What's the context? What's happening? Does it need
involvement of a third party to end? What's happening? This is we're not talking about exception. We're talking about normative disagreements normative communication. So I hope that's very clear, because of course, many people have 13 I'm telling you one principle and I know there's 13 times
was in scenarios and everyone had here so there's about what I don't know why normally people so save the scenarios, focus on the principal, and then inshallah maybe we can ask their questions actually, let's wanted to go into some detail level of that. So okay, so how do we how do we overcome
the grudge? The grudging? How do we overcome the contempt and the resentment to build in people? How do we how do we find a communication from the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam as a guidance that will not allow us to reach that level of contempt and hatred that breaks down And subhanAllah Gottman
says something that is found innocent exactly, he says, or they their husband or wife build a culture of appreciation.
The prophets I sent them I said this himself, he says the height of showing appreciation this this age, as I call him, what does that mean? For those of you who have studied the five languages of love? What is this?
Who studied who's read the book, The Five Love Languages? Raise your hand? No one. No one here has read that oh my gosh.
Okay, there's a book called The five languages of love. Which now is your homework. If you don't want to even read the book, honestly, you just go on Google and type Five Love Languages is a nice table, and it breaks the entire book down into pages. So I think you have enough time to read two pages. Okay. Everyone, they say has a love language, how they, how they feel loved. You might have never heard this before in your life. You're like, what is this right? But the reality is, if you don't understand that you're a human being either a human being a woman as a human being, if you don't know how they communicate their love, and how you want your love to be communicated. You might
be throwing as they say curveballs right and striking out and not understanding why someone else is not feeling appreciated. Because their love language is not, for example, physical touch. That's your love language. Their love language is words of acknowledgement, words of appreciation,
time spent with them
How are you supposed to figure this out if you don't have that discussion? So guess what? There's a book that was made to create that discussion, called the five languages of love.
It's simple. When a person sees it, oh, this is my love language isn't how I feel appreciated.
And you'd be surprised how I know people are married or like long time 15 years so and they've never had this discussion. And when they have this discussion with their spouse, for example, they're surprised they're amazed. Oh, I never knew that about you. Well, you never talked about it to begin with.
that's that aside, we're going to do a session on prophetic love language. Okay, so what was how's the prophets as an example, you'd be surprised well, like, how these peoples because what psychology and in sociology is the study of human behavior, who was the height of human behavior, the Prophet Muhammad this lesson?
So when they find they've studied, like, 1000s of people, and they found that this is the height of human behavior, and if it's not important with the sum of the process, and come see me, come see me. I have not read a book except I found the Sunnah of the Prophet. And even better than that, and I'll give you one example.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says, None of you truly believe until
they love for their brother what they love for themselves. Okay, what's the golden rule? The golden rule? What is it? What is it?
Love your neighbor as yourself or treat others as you would like to be treated? Isn't the Hadith of the Prophet Tyson even higher than that? Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Treat others as you would like to be treated. But do you love the way? Do you love that person that you're going to treat the way you want to be treated? No, you know, not necessarily. Not necessarily. I'm not I don't love you. But you know, I just want to be treated like a human being. So I want to treat you like a human being. The prophets I said didn't say that. He says none of you will truly believe
me, you don't have completion of faith. It's called commando EMA and your faith is not complete. Until you love for your brother. What You Love for is not just equal treatment, you have to love for them as well. The best, the best. And this is why the prophets I serve is the height of human character and code of conduct and anything you read, but it requires what a little bit of analytical breakdown. You can't just read the words and just stay there. You have to have a number of things for you to appreciate these things before I continue. You have to have a deep reading of the seat of the Prophet SAW Allah is
meaning if you've if you've listened to a podcast about the Prophet Muhammad SAW Iceland's life.
Or if you've read one book, guess what? Welcome to just studying the prophets. I saw them for the beginner. My teachers taught me something should happen to the Russian media. He said that you don't just read the prophets life once and then you don't, it's over. You read it 1000 times until it mixes with your blood and molecules. So when you go through an instance in your life, instantaneously, you're recollecting a behavior of the prophet or an example of the prophets I sent him in those moments, you cannot reach that status unless you read everything you can possibly can about the life of a soulless Eliza. That's why I love to read from our vast ly diverse tradition of
Muslim scholarship on the life of Rasul Lhasa. For those of you who don't, who knows Muhammad Akbar, Muhammad Allah, of course, everybody from South Asia and he's a very famous poet, if you see his lens of how he talks about the Prophet Muhammad Salim. It is one of the most beautiful perspectives. It's different because he's a poet. He's a literary author. If you read CIF Zecharia Candolim candidly a great scholar from India, his perspective of sila is not like
even a sham, even his hardcore or who are Persians and in the third century of Islam,
you will not see the same perspective as for example, I'm looking into that was an Algerian scholar who focused on the matters of the Prophet Muhammad slicer, you will not see the same as Chef of water cooling, the famous sealed nectar.
Right, you will not see the same as Dr. thoughtform Eldon, a Western educated academic who has stemmed from the tradition of Islam you won't see the same thing, different perspectives, different ways of looking at it and different appreciations, things that we dig deep into the life of the prophet from this so that we can benefit from So anyway, the prophet Isaiah seven we talked about building a culture of appreciation, how is a culture of appreciation inculcated? Number one, this is mentioned by Eggerichs in his five love languages, number one, words of appreciation,
show appreciation with words I swear to god some people you meet, you would think that thank you costs one Bitcoin.
you know what one bitcoin is today? 50,000 I think it hit the market, we should have went in a 30 Min.
It's $50,000 Some people you cannot get things out of their mouths, like you have to pay like the UN, you know, operation for that or something aid service.
Saying thank you for everything is one of the greatest characteristics of a Muslim of a believer. Show appreciation, you know what the worst thing is, by the way, when we do not show appreciation for the mundane? Because you became used to it, you took it for granted.
You took it around? Did you show it to your mother give me your breakfast or your free spousal because that's we can get there. But the very basic things, someone cooked for you, someone gave you something, someone handed you something. Thank you and breakfast and said beyond Thank you, doctor, well, why? Because it's a prayer for them. May Allah reward you a great abundant amount of reward, right? The person this is the height of appreciation.
If you recognize this, do you know how happy your marriage is could be by simply so showing appreciation?
It just starts from the basic things when that thing is not there. Where's How are you building a culture of appreciation when there's no even acknowledgement to begin with? Why? Because to you, it's normal. You of course, you have to do this. You take out the trash, I have to thank you for taking out the trash now. And I love this kind of behavior is what causes what content why because a person doesn't feel acknowledged, acknowledged or appreciated.
But if you appreciate your husband for the very basic things that you think should just be normal, or even for your wife, for cooking, it's not gonna fit for doing the dishes. It's not gonna fit for ironing the church, for example, will head for, you know, whatever, for calling me reminding me about something, even though you might find it annoying that you get reminded 13,000 times by something that you already wrote in counter, for example, right? Men don't like to be reminded that's just the normal sense of reality. But if you show appreciation for something like that, because it's Paola, how many times were you reminded something you truly forgot, but you never
showed appreciation for it acknowledgement for when a person feels acknowledged. This builds
have admiration and
love as Allah said moment that admiration and mercy. Okay, this is a basic, basic level, okay, there's then levels of, of showing appreciation, which is to as Eggerichs mentioned, as it as a form of a love language is to do acts of kindness, random act of kindness or act of kindness that that person likes. So for example, in these in these kinds of marriage therapy sessions, not therapy, or even just rent just general doesn't have to be fair because that's a stigma word in our community. All right, General Sessions. And that what they do is they highlight they say, What is one thing that will immediately make you feel loved
For guys, is when you bring me tea,
somebody brings you tea, and maybe like, Pakistani mangoes cut.
Okay? You feel like you're the richest human being on the planet. So what I'm on, right?
Because this is how we are human beings are different. When someone gives you something like you're maybe in your work area, and you're so stressed out, and then somebody gives you something like that. Because you communicated this is what you like, this is how you feel oh, and they finally understand this is something they know. This is for maybe a man for a woman. It's the normative thank yous and design toolkit, doing something without being told. For example, you know, your wife needs help with washing the dishes. And you hate washing dishes. So guess what? You have to learn to do things you hate. For the love of someone that you love.
So you know what, let me just do it without being told you know what? Oh, who did the dishes? The Gin come today? Allahu Akbar what's happening right now but ya know, honey, I did it. Subhan Allah, you are literally the best human being on the planet.
What for? What 510 minutes? The prophets I send him into the ice office.
He used to
mend his own clothes, and clean the dishes. It's recorded on a sofa. And he used to so many what these are accent Yes, his wife. But somehow the prophets I suddenly did it himself. Why? It's a form of acknowledgement as well. It's a show, it's a show of doing something the prophets recorded the problem used to used to sweep in his own house that can be translated as vacuuming for us, right? I mean, how I'm just that, first of all, think of the house of a solar system. It's five meters by seven meters
on a saucer, and he still is sweeping it on a sofa. Right?
Or if you don't even want to buy one of those automatic Robo vacuums Muhammad there are cost one sale, Mashallah.
But you're helping in some essence. Hola. Hola. So this is this is acts of appreciation? How do you build a culture of appreciation? Number one acknowledgement with words, and number 2x? Number 2x. Okay. And then beyond that, of course, you can go above and beyond that level. But one of the things that I want you all to understand why is there so much emphasis on this aspect, we as a community, have not been taught how to invest in our relationships?
And this is a big problem. Because why these are your permanent relationships? Why is it so? Why is it that Muslims care so much to fall in love and marry
than it is to maintain that marriage?
Am I right or wrong?
How much of our community have our discussion, especially on young people is what I need to find the right person that's compatible? And I need to make sure that everything I have check all the boxes, and none of the discussion is about how do you maintain it?
We don't talk about what's what you need to invest in it.
And this is what you need. Because I'm telling you, if
and people who are married and everyone is not taught these elements and components, then they unfortunately, will allow the popular culture to impact what will eventually degrade that marriage.
Really, the element and influence of so much negative things that
at this point in time in America looks down upon monogamy.
Am I right or wrong? looks down upon monogamy you tell people that I own
Are you planning to save myself? For one person? Like, are you crazy? Which plan do you come from?
That was told to me, like, well, how are you supposed to know? How are you supposed to have compatibility? And how are you supposed to have if you haven't tested the waters? And I'm like, Well, maybe the only waters you tasted or happened in the US, there's also another lake in other parts of the world that you haven't really understood. Right. And that's one of the culture kind of like, it's shocking to many people. Because there's no fathomable understanding of how you can come across someone that is compatible with you and then invest into that relationship. In fact, I've had people make comments to me, I can't stand my husband, I can't stand my wife. How can How could that
be possible their marriage that they're not happy. But the display of contentment is what all social media is about how humans you know, they they show a display a performance of, of a false reality,
on the internet, this is full of it, the internet is full of it. And that's why true believers should stay away from it. Stay away from me, it's not good for you not good for your soul not good for your club. Allah bless you to have a happy relationship, and to travel and to do all the things that you wanted to do, stay off the internet, stay off Instagram, if you want to share it, share it with close people who actually care about you, not the millions of people who like and then scrolling and refreshing to see, you know, how many people liked the fact that you had coffee in Timbuktu?
Really, no one cares.
No one can no one can actually cause more harm to you. You don't know what evil is being transmitted. You don't know what a level of enmity you have sowed in people's hearts who for some reason, dislike the fact that you finally met someone and are happy and they don't have someone you don't think this exists, what why it exists. why it exists. You'd be you'd be amazed people who you think are righteous, they're praying salon msgid. But different Sir, they still have the human beings of envy. Hatred, don't love the processes is letter Allah Turing, a shaytaan. Allah don't help the Shavon with over your brother in the Why do you help them by by by showing to the world
like what's wrong with it? Well, let's think a little bit deeper about the spiritual effects of some of these things. Okay, that was my rant on that.
Building a Culture of appreciation, starts with acknowledgement and actions. And by the way, everything that I mentioned, of course, is gonna be different for everyone. And that's why I'm telling you.
If something I'm saying is foreign to you completely, buy the book, sit and read it with with with your with your spouse, and then have a discussion and say, you know, what, I really want to know, what are some things that make you appreciated and loved?
What are your What are your love languages, and then they listen here and write down, take notes on each other. It will, it's, it's this concept is so foreign to us. But it's absolutely essential. It's not the essential.
And you will be amazed how much this one thing will increase the quality of your life at the prophets, Allah Subhan Allah, He taught better here, meaning that's his guidance was
given in this way. There was no categories, there's no five, that could be more, it's just that's the way he was. And the way his his example was, was our guidance. And that's what it makes it perfect,
I suppose. Okay.
We'll do another one in sha Allah, and then the other two, we will save for next week. And Inshallah, we will then start the book, how he dealt with them, so that we can be as practical then as possible. But I wanted to draw a baseline number one, sorry, number two, we said that there's four
reasons or causes according to government, that cause relationships to fail. We said the one the first one is content. The way to deal with that is to build a culture of appreciation. And we said that's two ways. One is acknowledgement and words of appreciation. And one of them is showing appreciation, act of kindness, and what that person loves. For the for you to see. And this doesn't only apply to spouses, spouses, applies to parents, applies to siblings, so on so forth. The second
relationships can fail is criticism. And here is overt criticism. And we as Muslims have to differentiate here between overt criticism and Naziha. Giving advice
and every Muslim believer must be open to giving advice if you feel in your heart. Like there's something is grinding you the wrong way simply because somebody
He's telling you as a Muslim, that you're doing something wrong, or you need to correct something in yourself or a suggestion.
This is this is a sign of a spiritually ill heart. We as Muslims must build within our, our psyche in our spirituality, that it is totally fine. To be correct.
Totally fine to be given advice to this app, the whole don't judge me thing, throw it outside. We have an element of understanding that in its proper context, but to the extent that don't judge me, let me do haram all over the world. Don't tell me what to do. This is wrong. This is not allowed. Yes, this is not your concern. We say to each other. Yes, it is our concern. Allah subhanaw taala told us to be concerned about each other. But the way it's done is the problem. And that's where people say, Don't judge me, when you're correcting somebody in public. This is already redline, you've already did it wrong.
Right? Take them aside privately. And somebody might say, well, what if it's a public cop, no matter what start out with private, if you want to win, what is the whole point, if you want to win them over, if you want to change the behavior, that doesn't work, then public and public has its conditions.
Public in the sense of brother, may Allah reward you, number one thing you should always do acknowledge what you agree on. If you're not acknowledging what you agree on, you're coming at them as if you're attacking, always. But if you now say you are, this is a great point, I agree with these things. This one point I just have, I just have a comment to make about.
If you do that, it will be more likely they will listen to you because you're not coming at an art to start a debate or argument.
Okay, so criticism,
here refers to specifically verbally attacking the personality or character of the person,
the personality or character of the person, that's what will cause resentment and will, will
lead to a breakdown of the of the relationship. So how, what is the solution to this?
What we said last week, using I statements, and we said that if you forget everything that we said about the communication, remember this I statements, what is it? I feel blank, fill in the blank.
When you blank, fill in the blank,
and I would like for you to do blank. This is called an if statement.
Why? So much disagreement on criticism is based on assumptions.
And expectations. Someone is assuming that you already know better, you should know this already. You don't know why I'm upset. That's even worse. What kind of behaviors is nobody understands you by osmosis?
And unfortunately, there's a large contingency of people who think that well, he should just No, no, he shouldn't just No, he doesn't. He doesn't speak to your mind direct. There's no like Intel ethernet port your head doesn't work that way. You have to communicate, why are you upset? Why don't you like this? What is the reason for it? And what would you like as a solution, but just this never ending, like exuberance of emotion is not going to lead to positive communication. So if anytime you have a criticism, explain the cause. Explain why and explain what you want
ice statements, if you do this, it was one of the most effective communications ever. Why? Because you will not allow your emotions to then personally attack someone else.
And if the personal attack comes there, then this argument you can sit you can forget it. Because you want that person to just basically listen and validate your emotion. It doesn't there's no solution oriented involved yet. And all and ultimately that kind of discussion must be had when someone is not as emotional.
So what essentially the other person on the receiving end must do is simply acknowledge,
apologize directly. And this is another discussion we will be having is how to apologize because apparently we don't know how to apologize very well. Right. And I'll just give you one example. If you ever say to somebody, I'm sorry, I made you feel that way. This is not an apology. You probably made it worse.
Okay. I'm sorry, because it was not my intention to make you feel that way.
This is not an apology. I'm sorry that I did this.
And you felt this way. Not you know my intention was that don't don't use these words. Be direct. Why? Because you're basically in essence leaving room that what you said in your
was not the problem. What you're, what the other person received from those words is the problem. So what are you really saying basically, you don't know how to understand you.
This is not an apology. Simply say, I'm sorry for what I said. Period.
And I'm extremely sorry that it made you upset. Period, you see the period, meaning what? There's no ambiguity.
This is we'll talk about inshallah. So the idea being is I statements and express a positive need, express a positive need, what we'll do is give the other person something to do with your emotion. But if you're just like, mashallah, it goes off, and then there's nothing that the purpose of what should I do now, you don't know what to do. Now, I don't watch TV anymore. This isn't this doesn't work, what the person should have won, they can't understand you as Moses, two, they probably didn't even understand why. And number three, they don't have a solution in front of them. So that's why they said criticism if you don't want to build to the extent of ending a relationship, I statements,
I statements, it goes for both men and women, both men and women. And if the person doesn't correct themselves, then you can remind them and say, Hey, we talked about this and you didn't say I'm sorry. And so on and so forth.
And this is what Gottman himself says and this is found, and then the use of Allah audio systems example when he would ask Ayesha Yeah, Aisha, why are you upset? Why are you upset? Subhanallah he asked her the reason for why she was mad. And what should he do is awful. So this found in Hadith, and I just would mention the reason and tell her that what the what what she wanted and the processes in Europe and correct that. Somehow this is found in the center of indivisible Allahu Allahu Salam. This example we will end here Inshallah, since it's time for Asia, next week, we'll inshallah finish the last two which is defensiveness, and stonewalling, which basically withdrawing
completely and say, I don't want to talk about this. Okay. And defensiveness, meaning constantly not taking advice, the top taking criticism, and victimizing oneself and being defensive, which can also end relationship because it's a former belligerency and how we can deal with that from the sound of individualism. And then we will talk about how the process of interacting with others, we ask Allah Subhana Allah to bless us with the best of character and the prophetic example what would they want to have the lack of meanness or loss and what kind of have you been on any grammar while adding also which means kind of them having Shinola in it? So if you recall to me, it was