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Men And Women – Part 3

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Hamza Yusuf

Channel: Hamza Yusuf

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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There's two things I wanted to get to because it's about domestic violence and domestic violence. The problem with men is that 98% of them are giving the other 2% a bad name.

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A little while.

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I want to talk about, obviously, sort of the new servers 34. That's the verse that obviously causes consternation for non Muslims, and a lot of confusion for Muslim. And I would like to just discuss it as briefly as possible. And then I want to talk about something that I think can help people to understand polarity and human relationships, useful model, when Allah says or reach out to a woman out of Musa men or maintainers of women that belong to there. It does not say that men have this type of political authority that is often assumed. What it is, is it's a financial obligation that men are obliged financially to take care of women, women do not have that obligation, something they

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were freed from and shutdown. And what that means is, is that all wealth that women acquires is what we would call discretionary. Well, in other words, they use it to their own discretion, if they want to share with their husbands, they can do that if they want to keep it for themselves, they can do that. And a woman is by Shetty, she has a right to be maintained to the socioeconomic status that she was accustomed to before she was married. And last she relinquishes that, right, so if a woman is wealthy before she's married, and she marries a wealthy man, who cannot maintain her at the standard she was accustomed to before she got married, she has a grounds for divorce.

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In shediac, I mean, women are meant to be maintained and middle class women and [???]ty in the matagi men have it is that a logic for a man to provide domestic help. It's actually a form on a man to provide domestic health for a woman. And this is very interesting point about shedding is that there's an understanding that women need help inside the house, that it's actually quite exhausting to take care of a house with children and the needs of the house. Now a woman is also there's a debate amongst the full ban, the men have differ. Only one of the men has had the Hitman balbina, which is the servicing the house is an obligation on the woman and it's still not considered in the

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shoes, if a woman refuses to cook in a house is not considered in the shoes. In other words, she's not being disobedient, although it's preferred for her to take care of that if she's not working and doing other things. She is not obliged in any way to serve the guests of a man if a man invites 10 people over, she can literally say, and these are books that were written centuries ago, she can literally say you could tonight, you know that I don't want to do that. And I'm not making this stuff up. I'm talking about our show. Yeah, you know, because there's a compromise. And a lot of men don't understand this, that women do have a difficult time. They really do. And I think what we do

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is we put so much pressure, psychological pressure on women maintaining all this, this thing I have to keep up and they get worn out, they get burnt out, they get tired, the marriage begins to deteriorate because of these types of things. And if men would honor this in some way, and one of the duties of women, there's a problem. That's a problem. So as I mentioned, which is koufonisia ashira, which is one of the dangers of women, is that women can often not appreciate the husband also. So it works both ways. And the Prophet warned women of that, and co founded I shared on one of the things about it, the province realize that I'm said, there is a type of woman that you will do

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good to her your whole life. And then once you do something wrong, and what did she say to me?

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I never knew any good from you. In other words, she forgets all of the good that you've done all those years, because you slipped up. So that's also something that the women after they see the men

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it's a two way street. But I would still say as if and I said that I'll be lying that the onus is more on the men. And the men have to realize that that we have a responsibility of taking care of our women treating them well. I was in a marital dispute in California, and there was a more attention share for them. And this is a true story and there's the highest adeem like they say there's they're not modesty when you're speaking about important matters of the deen. There was a marital dispute and I was transiting because these people didn't speak Arabic and the shape asked the woman are you getting your marital rights in bed?

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After she made all these complaints? And she said, No. He said, All right, and then he wants to talk to them. But afterwards I said, so why did you ask that question? He said, we haven't moved on yet. That's what happens when men stop being romantic. He said, You need to pinch your wife and, and you need to be nice to her and do the things. He said that they'll appreciate that, but if you ignore them, and like the proposal I sent him said, become like the camel that when the appetite is there, you're probably one bottle takes what it wants, and then just wanders off to lunch in the field, that that is a type of a boon to a woman. And that's why the prophets I send him said, send

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messengers before you go to your women and ask them what it wasn't. He said, sweet talk and kisses, just to be sweet with your wife. If he wants to rectify his marriage, he had to just be nice to this woman to treat her with some dignity and respect. And the problem is, if you look at the Hadith where I just broke the plate, and she was angry, she smashed the plate down the full size of didn't get upset, he never got upset about things like that. And he actually laughed and picked up the place and, and there's one where they got into a food site and he literally threw food, she threw food. And I mean, this very human situation, the prophesies, I think, just if you can imagine a

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human being that literally had no malice in his heart, no, just no animosity, always wanting to elevate the other, always wanting to make the other feel that no matter what I'm going to make you feel like a human being.

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That does what he wants. And no, I learned I mean, you read the stories of nylon, and there's a whole book on this character. He was a joker, remember the total Joker in Medina, he used to do the most outrageous things he wants, took a sheet from a veteran, he sacrificed it, cooked it and said all these people. And the veteran when he came into the ship, he said, Where is it? They said, he said, No man took it.

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So he went to the province eliassen. And new I learn,

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went and hid when you heard that the prophets Eliza was looking at for because you've taken this sheep that was left there. And if you leave something in a public space or something like that, there's a different outcome that relate to it. But he went, and he was hiding. There was a small game, and there was some palm leaves over that had a lot of dust. And the palm sized him small group of people and he said, whereas now. And they all went like this. We don't know where he is Yasuda law.

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And so the province aleichem went in under the palm thing. And when you came and saw him, he shook the palm thing. And all these palm things came down and covered the proposal I said and done. And he looked at me and he said, Why don't you do that? He said, those people out there, they told me to do it, because he was angry that they had revealed his hiding place. And at that point to publicize them, he literally laugh.

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And this is a man who another time he took a blind man, the man asked him to show him where to urinate. And he put him in a public spot. And the men urinated and everybody started laughing and told him and he said, who did this mean? They said, No. I mean, he said, well, like, if I catch up with him, I'm going to hit him so hard, and I'll never forget it. And he was in the mosque about a month later, and no one saw him and he walked up to me said, Are you looking for a man? He said, Yes. He said, I'll take you to him. So he takes him over and say, no, this man was praying.

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And he was the homies at the time. And he puts in his hand, he said, There he is, and he lets them feel him. And he takes his cane and hits them over the head while he is praying.

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And when Cena finished

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his prayer, he went and he said, What's going on? And the blind man said, aren't you know, I'm on his side.

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And he said to me, and he said, No.

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And at that point, she knows man, his the tribe came in because they were furious. And he actually just said, just leave him leave not in my view, the man is just that's his nature. And if the promise was him would put up with an I'm gonna put up with him. And that's part of that spirit that was in that city. And these people were people that really had a spirit of just forgiving people, just loving people. And if you can't forgive your spouse, your family member, we've got a serious problem. We have a serious problem of the inability to overlook the fault. People know the verse But I mean Allah subhana wa tada says, that will not change the hard one. And this was among

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those who fear new shoes. Now the word knishes in Arabic means to elevate yourself over. It's an arrogance that begins to manifest and it can be from a man or a woman, a man can do it to a woman or a man can be nashes in a relationship and you have to know that in shediac and there are rules of fifth relating

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To a man who is Nash's a man can be in the same situation. But this is related to the woman here and it says the first thing to do is wow. And our oma say even though Wow. And also maybe that some team as Attorney whenever you see Wow, it doesn't mean that you follow the order in this ayah are the moms in America, Mohammed Abu hanifa Robin Anna said that a while here means you have to follow this tough team, you can't hit somebody for doing this. You have to give Wow, most of the oma say for a month. You give them exhortation now, in assure are the one who said this idea is actually to eliminate domestic violence because domestic violence and I guarantee anybody who's familiar with

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domestic violence knows that the violence occurs when people lose their tempers.

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And it happens in the heat of the moment. And you get into what in this culture they call codependent relationships, where you get into these six cycles of violence, where the man beats the wife, and then the next day is flowers and chocolate and apologizing, I love you. And I'll never do it again. And she believes them. And then the cycle happens again, this is the thing for me to know about this. And police are warned about coming between spouses because they will often turn on a police officer in domestic violence situations. So I mean, we're dealing with human psychology that is very complicated. And we have to take that into consideration. But when I said after that, one, I

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don't want nothing more budget, and then do not sleep with them. Do not sleep with the woman. This is a next stage because one of the things about human nature is relationships of intimacy are extremely important between the male and the female in a marital situation. And when that relationship breaks, it allows a space, there's a psychological space that is created, where people can really begin to think about the other person. And it occurs with the man because he misses his wife also. So there's a psychological space that's created in that now the final verse will be removed Nabina panakam then it says strike them. Now this area is unfortunately translated in some

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courses in English as

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well, I've actually seen that beat them. And there is no way that that means beat them. I'm sorry, it just doesn't look very boring. It also does not mean like what happened. But if I said it means go on strike or something like that, your butt off, which is a that is a modern word. It's not even a classical Arabic word. It's a modern word. It's a fourth form of it'll be available but Robin, like go on strike. It doesn't say that. It says well, but it will not. And we cannot say that that is not in the Quran that's in the heart. And I'm not going to deny that. But we need to understand what that verse means. And this is simply

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because it is the football habit interpret the Quran, not common people. And our football has said about this alpha said that this is not a set up in the Koran for native or for Jews, or for iba, it is cut out here. And this is our fun this is in our bucket a bit and out of these chemical, which is a very famous book on the rules of the Quran. He says we'll have a 32nd alpha. This is from the subtle understanding of alpha, that he derived the fact that it is not true in this case, because normally an imperative in the Quran is either for obligation, like a painless or not. There's an imperative for obligation. an imperative can be for recommendation men do negative when unless is

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good for a logical entity run. That's an imperative verb, but it's used for negative for recommendations. And then it can be used for about half Hulu was horrible. Eat and drink as eba Allah is not telling you you have to do this. It's saying that you're permitted to eat and drink and then it's not to access. It's not rooted there. That's a suitable it's a nebulous term here. It's my crew to go and eat more than you need. And it's not how long you can overeat and you haven't done a sin. So the Quran is very subtle in that and it's the alcohol that determine how the imperative is used. Now in this verse are fostered the imperative here is for cut out here, which means that is

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odious. It is disliked it is not recommended. It is my clue. And the proposal I sent him said Lamia variable to the best of you would never hit a woman. And the phone call I said never struck a woman now in the hij of budgets or whatnot. And this is very important. When the Prophet mentioned about daughter he said verbatim about a striking that is not more better than that means something very hot, very hot or very hot is something that happened in the past. Now that means it's

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Still going on in Arabic, mobile is something that leaves a trace. In other words, that if a woman was struck, you would see the trace of that on the woman. And the father prohibited the face, it is held on to strike the face, you cannot hit a person in the face, even Benny Adam, you're not supposed to the purpose of this study, but it was for enough in the ad and data security, avoid hitting the face when you do your martial arts, because this man was created in the same form as Adam. In other words, this isn't a dynamic form that Allah has given us. And as a way of honoring that form. So you're not supposed to find people in the face. Now, if you look in the old 1930s

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films, there are common scenes where there'll be like an argument, and then one of the people will go, they'll just, they'll hit them like a slap, and then suddenly, it all changes. And then they usually kiss in the film or something like that. But the point of that is that that was a very common thing, even in American culture, which was you get into an argument, and there would be a way of kind of breaking it of bringing somebody into a type of presence, where they get out of an emotional state, and it's doing something like that. It's like, stop it, you know, stop it, it is not a violent thing. It's just a way of bringing the back into their body. What happens when people

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get very upset sometimes is they actually begin to lose a presence, they actually lose a psychological presence, it was a way of bringing people back into that presence. And that is why it is prohibited to harm children. I mean, to beat a child is hot on and shut it off, it is held on to beat an animal, for God's sakes. I mean, it is horrible to beat an animal. And so where do you place the human being in that category? So this idea of striking, the prophet clarified that it is a light strike. It's just a way of really saying, Listen to me, please, you know, listen to me. And it's a type of a discipline. And it was given

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with Tara here as a way of maintaining the self esteem of Arabs, I guarantee you that. And I'll tell you why this verse was revealed when a woman was struck by her husband and the prophets realized that and took the woman and said, I'll take you and you can strike him the same way he struck you. And they were actually on the way, and this woman was going to get her piece off, she was going to hit her husband, in the presence of the province, Eliza because he was fair in everything. And he felt that was fair. And he said, to Shannon, what are other loans?

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I wanted something, this has to be fair, in his understanding of it, and allow wanted something and what Allah wants we accept, and it was revealed this verse. In other words, don't humiliate these men, because they have already done so much to transform themselves. Don't forget, they're Arabs. These these are, these are men, they're Arabs, they're proud. And if you humiliate them in this way, you're going to lose them. I mean, this was a loss of Hana without understanding the psychology of the people that this message was given to as the first people. And that is why even ashore says this relates to add that it isn't a verse that relates to the nature of the people, their habitual

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nature. I just want to end with what even I Shaw says, because I really feel it's just so important.

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He says, After a long, extensive investigation of this verse, he says, it is prohibited to abandon a woman or to strike a woman, because one thinks she's going to do something wrong. In other words, something has to happen. It needs to be a gross breach of a marital contract. And this is why Muslim men have to know the rights and responsibilities of marriage, really, they have to know that you're supposed to know them before you get married. A lot of men have never studied them. Women have to study them as well. You have to know your rights. In my school, which is a school of the people of Medina, a woman has a right to stipulate in her contract. I don't want a second wife. And if a man

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takes a second wife, which is still allowed for him to do, if he does, she can divorce herself. That's it. She says I'm gone. And that is a right of a woman to do that.

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Women have to know their rights in order to protect themselves, and men should honor that. So what he says is as for striking, this is a very dangerous matter. He says

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what's that?

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And really defining this is very difficult to examine this. And then he says, what I can know

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the horror facade, it is permitted in situations where

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Assad is clearly manifest. In other words, you got a very dangerous situation. The unima said that in the event, she has gone into an aggressive behavior, that

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she is really in a state of aggression against her husband. But he says it must be defined exactly what the limit is. And the limit that defines it is filled.

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Because in the rules of shediac,

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if we allow men to take into their hands,

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the ability to relieve their anger, through physical violence, then many terrible things will emerge in the society. And this is why he says that it is not the Shetty and never gives the individual the right to take a punishment. That is the rise of the authority of the land. And this is why he says in the Shetty

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Lucha Jacobi

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via Adelina sila, Nebuchadnezzar smash,

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Lola Aurora, and that is absolutely a necessity. And then he said, but as Jamal, could you do that it could be celerity minute authority, the owner have limited this ayah in saying that it is only permitted if there's no harm that comes from it. That means that physical violence is prohibited. You cannot harm a person. One of the things I heard one man when I saw about this, he said, Yeah, he is a Hadid. And it's true, there's a Hadith, and it's in Abu Dhabi Londo, and he says, diacetyl, raggio, faema barraba invertible. A man is not asked why he strikes his wife. And I've heard men use that verse as like, Look, this is my business, read the commentary of our alumni, even a famous

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josina said, Now use arrow to halogen with assuming he's not asked about it as a way of exposing false. In other words, you don't say to somebody in a gathering, hey, by the way, why? Why are you beating up your wife?

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You know, in other words, you don't embarrass people about these things. Because people who work in this thing, no, these are deeply sensitive issues that deal with people's honor their name, and there's a lot of shame involved in these issues. And you can really destroy people by shaming them in these ways. And that's why this is a matter that is dealt with in some official capacity. The other thing that he says, though, is that if domestic violence begins to emerge in a society, it is permissible. Yeah, Jews only live without it or more either anymore, and that as soon as that is shot, they will then walk over into

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it in your ad, IBM is not happy to recall that it is permissible to prohibit any physical striking of a woman in a society where men do not know the limits of shediac. And there's harm involved. And I would say we're in that situation. And I think that Muslims, we need to very seriously address this issue. And I think we have to understand domestic violence is how long it is how long and a woman has a right to be safe in her home. You cannot, you cannot say

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whole point of the whole is,

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is

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that Allah puts Sakina that's why he just couldn't he they had that you get Sakina and Allah put between a milada and Rama, that you cannot say that the home is a place where any woman should not fear it is haram to put any woman or child into a state of fear. It is how long and people need to be taken to account for it. And I hope inshallah, that's been beneficial.