Working moms Vs Stay at home mothers

Haleh Banani


Channel: Haleh Banani

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Mental Health and Sunnah

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stay at home mom, or working mom, which is better, you know, people have some really strong opinions about this, whether it's about, you know, dedicating yourself to stay and raise your kids and be at home, or there are some individuals who are very career driven, and they feel that, you know, you you need to you need to contribute, and you need to be part of society, and you need to be working. And so this actually, you know, creates sometimes a lot of tension, a lot of judgment between between women. And men have like really strong opinions about this as well, if they want to, you know, marry someone who wants to commit to raising the kids and being at home or a, you know, career

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oriented woman. And so the question of which is better is actually it's a trick question, right? Because it's not about which is better, but which works better for your life, right, because each person has different circumstances, being able to choose to, let's say, stay at home and raise your kids. That's something when my kids were little, I really valued that I was there I was, you know, they were the focal point. And there are individuals, and as they got older, I was able to, you know, commit to working and applying myself in that way, that there are some individuals that it is due to their circumstances that they do need to work, they need the to have the two household

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income, they, and when someone is doing that, or they're single moms, right, they're individuals, they have gotten divorced, and they need to make a living. So it's not about evaluating and saying, which is better, which is worse, it's, and that's what I want to get to is that we really need to stop judging one another, we need to stop being critical, because each person circumstances is different, right? And we need to be able to look beyond our criteria of what is maybe successful, or what is the the best thing to do, and really evaluated based on the person's circumstances. And, and I can say, from a psychological perspective, if you have the option, and you are able to spend the

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first few years especially during those developmental stages, at home, where you are with your children, if you have that option, then that that is an excellent way to contribute to raising your kids. And it's it's an investment, right, you put the time in, and then it will pay off in the future, if you don't have that option. And you definitely need to work. And you are doing it as a way that there's like more power to you. Because it's not easy. It's not easy. And I know that for most, you know, most women, they want to be there with their kids, they want to, you know, experience those moments. And but they're just because of circumstances I've known, you know,

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individuals, I had one lady, I knew she had six kids, and she couldn't just stay at home, she was raising the kids on her own and she had to work and that is truly admirable. And what I always say to individuals to clients who come in, and they feel a bit torn, they feel like you know, I want to be at home, but I need to work. And I say you know, it really is not about it's not about the amount of time that you spend with you know, with your children, it is about the quality, it's about that time where you really connect because some people, some mothers can be home all day long. And they're you know, they're on social media, they're, you know, they're not connected to their kids in

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any way, shape, or form. So it's not necessarily about the amount of time you have and, and it requires different things, right. So when you are and I've had the unique experience of

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being both a stay at home mom when my kids were little. And then when I did work, it was really catered around their schedule. It was at a time maybe my husband was home, he could be with the kids. And I was able to be able to do my work at that time. But it wasn't like full time at all was very part time at the very beginning. And I had the experience of working full time overtime, weekends, you know, all of that. So, what's really important to keep in mind in these experiences is that I know when I was a stay at home mom and I had little kids, there was this feeling of Okay, my husband needs when he comes home. I want to pass the baton because it's like, you know, you're

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exhausted. You feel like oh my gosh, I need a break. I need a conversation with an adult. I hate to you know, and you just really feel that now and sometimes you'd have many, many women

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Feel like, okay, they're their husband, they've had an easy, they've been at work now. Now you need to come in and contribute. Okay, so I know that mindset. And I also know the mindset of let's say, I've done a really long, you know, put in lots of hours

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of counseling and having to deal with, you know, whether it's marriage counseling, or people having major issues, and I come home, and I may be drained, I may be exhausted. And, and there's that point where I'm coming home, and I'm just feeling like, gosh, you know, I have reached my threshold, right. So at that moment is more about like, gosh, I can't, I can't like stretch any further, I can't give more, right. And having that perspective is very helpful. And I really try to help clients understand each other, the husband and wife understand where the wife is coming from, because I have experienced that, I know, that feeling of like, pure exhaustion, when you haven't had

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a chance to take a shower, when a shower is an actual luxury. And you just, you know, you've been running around after your kids. And it's like, it's very, very demanding. And I try to get the husband's on board to recognize that look, you know, you spend a few hours with your kids and you're exhausted, she does this every day, all day long. And so you really need to relieve her. So this is very critical for husbands to recognize. You need to recognize how hard your wife is working, how much effort she's putting, show appreciation, give her a break, give her me time, let her go take a shower for peace, you know, in peace, and not have to like do a peekaboo game every two minutes,

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right? Make sure that your wife is getting some of that just quality time for herself. That's so critical, take a nap, she needs to take a nap, she needs to, you know, read something, go with a friend. I mean, these are very, very critical. And if you do that for your wife, and you recognize the effort that she's putting in, and you show that love, and you're like, you know what, I've got this, you go take care of yourself, whatever it is, don't be, you know, don't nitpick about how long she's going to be gone for and, and huff and puff or maybe remind her of your effort, just just be kind and let her have that time off. Now for you know, for the women who have their husbands come

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home and you're ready to, you know, pass the baton, I get where you're coming from, right. But also understand that he you know, he wasn't at a picnic, he wasn't just hanging out. And and I know, sometimes it feels like, you know, you feel like they're at a picnic compared to what you've had to do with the spit up and the diaper change and all of that. But in reality, he's working really hard. There's a lot of pressure at work. And I I have understood and appreciated the effort that my husband has always put in being at work. And maybe I didn't understand it fully until I started working full time I started feeling the pressures, the hours, the the responsibilities, and

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sometimes that can really weigh you down. It makes you feel like my God, it's just you need time to decompress, right? That time to decompress is so critical when I come and I walk through the door. The last thing sometimes if it's been a hard day, and I've been stressed out the last thing I want is a list of to do, right. And so you've got to be concerned about I show a little bit empathy, you know, show a little bit of appreciation, when I'm given that, let's say the love the appreciation when I when I walk in and there is that concern about how I'm doing and you know, and I have, whether it's my husband or my kids showing that, that love and you know, wanting to take care of me

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in some way it just it lights me up Alhamdulillah Mashallah tabarrok Allah. So we have to have that understanding and it can't be one way or the other. It can't be every single day let's say you get that me time with you know, your husband comes home and can take the kids and and you have your main time. And it can't be every day that you come and you get to decompress because there are times you need to come and you step in right and say I got this you go you've had a long day because you know what ends up happening. If you don't do this for each other as husband and wife if you're not there, and recognizing that, Oh, my, my spouse really needs some time off right now. I really need to step

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up and be there for them. If you don't recognize that what's going to end up happening is a lot of resentment built up frustration. And it's just like there's like what's the point? But when you show that little bit of sensitivity when you show that I really want you to be at your best and it's not just all about me, right? I am sensing your stress. I sense your pressure and I want to relieve you I want to relieve you and you got to you know there was a motto I came up with

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With in, I was like PTA president at in Egypt and it was do what you can, when you can together we can make a difference and I think this applies in marriages right? Do what you can when you can, it can't always be 5050 it can't always be like I ensure back ah bye bye it won't be like that sometimes it's got to be at 20 sometimes it's got to be you know, you just have like you got to go with the flow and do whatever you can. So inshallah we can be very, very empathetic towards one another be there and and really show that sense of concern. And I would invite you to sign up for a free video series it is Ramazan relationship repair Ramadan relationship repair. This is about

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improving your marriage during Ramadan but I say start earlier right we've got we've got how many days it's like nine days until Ramadan almost. And so this is a good time to find peace within yourself. Find some rhythm within your relationship so that once Ramadan starts you're going to be in a right state of mind you're going to be able to get along talk to each other. There's not a Cold War there's not a fighting match. So if you sign up for Ramadan relationship repair under holla in courses, and it's all for free, I want to help you out so that your Ramadan and sha Allah will be much better take good care and thank you for joining in Salaam Alaikum.