Channel: Haleh Banani
If you have been married long enough, you know that it is very possible that your spouse can become annoying. They can have annoying habits, they can say things that trigger you. But what do you do in that situation? When you're totally annoying? How can you prevent things from escalating? And how do you deal with it in a healthy way, that's what I'm going to cover with you today. So, annoying behaviors range from someone being on their phone all the time, to someone driving maybe crazy or quick be, you know, leaving their clothes around or not picking up after themselves. So these annoying behaviors? And you can tell me, what are some of the annoying behaviors that really take
you up? What are your trigger points? What is it that when you see this in your spouse, it really gets to you in every time? What happens starts building up, right? So we need to figure out first and foremost, why are we triggered? Okay, so it's easy to get frustrated and point the finger and get upset. But I really want you to look and see, okay, it says that I'm irritable, because maybe I didn't get enough sleep, maybe I'm just really tired. Maybe I'm stressed from work, maybe there's something maybe the kids really got all my case. And because of that, or because I'm really hungry or tired. I am overreacting to this behavior behavior that maybe normally I can just shrug it off,
right? So first look within and see, if you're not reacting to this annoying behavior because of something that's going on within yourself. That's a really important thing to do. And we really do need to take responsibility for our emotions, our emotional regulation, right? Because if we do that on a regular basis, and we're not just saying like he started, no, she started it right? We're looking at it and saying, Well, how did I contribute to this? Or what is it that may be causing me to be annoyed? Okay, so that's step number one. First of all, before I give you more stuff, I'll share with you a personal
that I know personally, that is something that is annoying. And I, I will talk about my own annoying behavior, okay, I'll take responsibility is that I'm a backseat driver, okay. And I know that this is like really annoying to my husband, because I'll give you the quick backdrop to this. When I was, you know, 10 years old, I was driving with my father, and they have come home. And he has sleep apnea wasn't treated, he didn't know about us, a lot of times, he would just he would doze off. And so I'm sitting there as 10 years old, we're going to a dinner party, I have a plate of sweets in my lap, no seatbelt on, because it was the 80s. And there was no requirement for seatbelts. And we're
just going to this dinner party together, when all of a sudden, you know that every time there was a red light, I would get panicky and I would see bla bla bla bla, you know, and, and then he snapped out of it and stop this. And I did that maybe five, six times. And I thought, oh my god, I'm being so annoying. And then I'm looking, there's a red line. I'm sitting there and like he sees it. I'm sure he sees it. I'm sure he sees it. And I didn't see anything because I don't want to be annoying. What happened? We got into a car. And so my father had sadly, you know, he had because he was with sleep apnea, it's like that you can kind of also snap out of your you can. And so he hit the car in
front of him. I went through the windshield had stitches across my forehead, my knee went into the dashboard. It was It was horrific. And I had to go to the hospital. At that moment, I decided I will never, ever stay quiet. In fear of being annoying. Okay.
So we're driving. And when I see something, if I see that there's a car, I will also point it out, oh my god, there's a car. There's this there's that. And of course, that can be annoying for my husband because he's just like, I know, I know there's.
So this is my own personal annoying behavior that I'm sure my husband could talk on and on about them stay on and I want you to think about what is what is your spouse's annoying behavior? What is your own annoying behavior and it's important to admit that you have annoying behaviors to write. I know I have a list of them, and it's easy to pick out the other person. So as some is true, sometimes we're just hungry, overwhelmed, tired, a lack of sleep causes to be annoying. Exactly. So first and foremost, look within and see, am I being triggered because of my own issues? Right. And while it was the last ditch I mean, the second thing you can do is think about you know your your
spouse and when
Where's this coming from? Right? There's usually some kind of explanation, like the explanation I gave you that. There are times when I, you know, I'm explaining to him because he's like, don't say anything, control. And I'm like, you know, I'm in tears explaining how traumatic this whole situation was. And I'm like, I can't stay quiet, you know. And so there's a reason behind sometimes in annoying behavior, and I want you to reflect on maybe have a conversation about it. It may be a nervous habit, maybe someone you know, a person has anxiety, and they like, I don't know, they crack their knuckles, maybe it's, there's some reason behind that, if you understand it, it may make you a
little bit more empathetic, not always.
Nor situation, that, you know, doesn't seem to be enough. So you find that if there is a logical explanation for this person, to to have this behavior, then I want you to think to yourself, Okay, I can either, you know, I can either blow this out of proportion and get into a fine, or I can try to overlook it, because a lot of annoying behaviors, they're trivial things that really, we need to be able to let go of. So somebody is saying, my annoying habit is telling him how to parent over and over and over again, okay, yeah, that gave me that can be annoying. So when one person ends up being like, a, a parent, right, we ended up becoming a parent to our spouse telling him, Have you prayed?
Did you do this? You know, did you pay the bills? And don't do this, don't do that. And that can be really annoying. Okay, so that's a good thing that you mentioned, because it's a very, very common thing to do. And, as you know, as women, we are notorious for doing this at times that we want to wear the mama bear, and we want to really protect our kids. And are we stepped in? And like, don't say that. Don't say that. So we got to be careful about that. But, you know, a lot of men can tend to be like a father figure as well, like, what are you wearing? You know, have you done this and you know, about your spending. So we really have to be careful not to become a parent figure. Okay.
Sarah, saying I'm Filipina watching from Kuwait, and I want to say thank you for your words of wisdom, because that's so sweet. So what else can you do you figure out? What is the reasoning behind it? You look and see, is there something you can overlook? Can you like, just say, remind yourself at that moment? What do I love about this person? I know it's hard. Sometimes you're just like, there's just too annoying, right? But I want you to reflect the read, you're married to the person for a reason. And there must be, there must be at least three things you can name, or you can remember, that is good about the person, if you can't name three things that you like about your
spouse, we got bigger problems and needs to seek professional help, okay, but you remind yourself of the good traits, okay. And then
maybe at a time, when your spouse is not angry, is not being annoying, you have a discussion? And I say, you know, I really would appreciate it. If you, you know, don't cry, don't correct me in front of the kids, because that's going to just take away from my authority, or, you know, I really would appreciate it if you don't, you're not sarcastic and you don't poke fun of my weight or my education, or my whatever it is right. I should say, I feel like we keep coming back to the same arguments or resentment. How can we move forward with sincerity? Yes, this you know, a lot of times people are arguing about absolutely nothing.
It is about trivial things. And one little thing escalating and what I do with my clients, that's very powerful. I challenge them to dig deeper. Okay. So
challenging yourself to look and see what's really behind this reaction. Okay, so annoying. If they are really annoyed from a behavior of yours, there's usually an underlying cause. So I tell you to look for that. For instance, when someone is constantly being told no, don't do this with our kids. You can't do that. You know, you're constantly being corrected. Their underlying the underlying
frustration is she doesn't trust me. There's no trust. Okay. So it's not just about oh, don't give him juice or don't give him candy. It's more about you're not trusting me, right. And you can see that if someone doesn't trust you that there's a reason to be annoyed, right.
So always dig a little bit deeper. And when you see your spouse snap,
that's definitely a little insane. It's kind of like a warning. It's like that check your engine, right? Check your engine, like you better look at that, and analyze and figure out what's going on there. And once you understand that there is that underlying cause, then you could be more understanding. So when you say, my husband gets annoyed from my lame jokes, and his anger flared up after bottling, that he didn't like it, so your jokes, okay? So that, you know, you have to figure out, and then when you find out when your spouse tells you so let's, let's pretend you have an annoying behavior. I know, it's hard to admit that you may be annoying, but we all are, in more ways
than one, right? So let's say if you have that annoying behavior, how are you supposed to react when your spouse tells you? What is the natural reaction? What do people usually do? If they're told they're annoying? What do you think? The sensitive I'm annoyed if you annoy your started it and, and it just goes back and forth. Right? So I want you to really strive to be the adult, right? And when your spouse tells you, you know, this is really annoying.
Take a deep breath.
Yes, this is my mission, I'm going to be an adult, I'm not going to be you know, defensive. I'm not going to strike back. I'm going to listen to this. And really try to thank you. Yeah, getting defensive. I'm going to really try to take this ticket as information, right? It's kind of like when you're cooking. Let's say you're cooking a meal that you really don't know, like, it's you've never done it before. And you're asking for feedback. Hey, guys, how do you like it doesn't need more of this or that and you're getting the feedback. Oh, great. Next time, I will be more careful about it, I will put so much thought I'll put more butter, whatever it is. So look at it as feedback to get
better. When you have an annoying behavior. Listen carefully, don't attack, don't react, and just look at it as good feedback and you can improve, okay, so in sha Allah, that each and every one of us can be more patient, I really, really get it when you are, you know, you're annoying and you reach your threshold. And another thing if your spouse, let's say they're annoying from you, and they're really angered, that's not the time to discuss it, just kind of let them cool off. Okay, we need that cool off period. And then I'm not telling you to give a silent treatment, definitely don't do silent treatment, that doesn't work, okay. But if you need to give them some time, cool off, and
then try to address address it again. And then another thing is, don't escalate. Don't make him escalate. Because if you start you're talking to him, when you're going there, and you bring it up, then it just is gonna get out of control. So
you know, make sure that you're in a good state of mind, you're not angry yourself. And just give yourself a little bit of break, sometimes a little break from each other. Nothing major guys, I'm not telling
don't interpret this as a you know, separation. I'm just saying like, sometimes, you know, you do your thing, he does this thing. And it's very natural. It's very natural sometimes to get annoyed from each other sometimes get sick of each other. When you're married long enough, you will be triggered by a lot of things. Don't think it's the end Don't be like oh my god, like don't blow it out of proportion. It's an annoying behavior, you can manage it. Alright, so inshallah if you benefited from this, share it with your friends family, so that more and more people can have a healthy and loving relationship. If you need some free resources. You can go to Holloman ninety.com
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