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The 3 Cs you might be doing that causes trouble in your marriage

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Haleh Banani

Channel: Haleh Banani

Episode Notes

Marriage Counseling Tips & Advice

Episode Transcript

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If you do these three C's in your marriage, then your relationship is in trouble. So many people are spending so much time with one another this past year, and you may be doing this and it's creating a lot of issues, I want to share with you how you can avoid problems in your marriage, because many times the clients that come to me, they will say, Well, you know, I don't do anything, you know, it's all him or she's the one who causes the problems, not recognizing that if they're doing one of these three C's, then they're creating a lot of damage in their relationship, and they don't even realize it. So the first C is control, okay? If you're trying to control your spouse, whether you

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know limiting their growth, you're limiting, where they're going, you're limiting, maybe the spending, whatever it is, if you're controlling too much this is going to cause your spouse to rebel. Now I see this, you know, sometimes it's the man who is controlling, maybe preventing his wife from pursuing an education or working or whatever it is that sometimes it's the woman, the woman is like, No, I don't want you to start this business, I don't want you to go here, I don't want you to do these things. And this causes a lot of, you know, this restriction leads to resentment. Okay. So when you start trying to prevent your spouse from maybe going out with their

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friends, or pursuing a degree, or doing what they really would love to do, then it's going to lead to a lot of resentment in the future. So be very careful about it. You know, we're all free individuals. And obviously, there are some, you know, there's some guidelines that we need to agree on when you get married, but once it becomes controlling, once you start limiting the other person, then that's going to create friction in your marriage. So be aware of that a second see that you need to avoid as criticism. Now, how many times have you just caught yourself criticizing your spouse, whether whether it's, you know, not being maybe not clean enough, or whether it's not

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religious enough, or not how they are with the kids how they are at home, whatever it is, you know, if you're constantly criticizing your spouse, then that is going to really weighed down on them, okay? And you need to catch yourself, make sure I'm not telling you to hold it all in and don't share and you know, be a martyr that's never mind methodology. And for those of you who have seen my marriage program, five pillars of marriage, or you've done counseling with me, you know, I'm all about expressing yourself, I'm all about you know, share what your needs are, get your needs, you need to be content in your marriage. And if you're constantly feeling like you, you're overlooking,

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and you're annoyed, and you're Friday think that the marriage is not going to last right? So it's not about not speaking up or being submissive or overlooking, but it's about how you do it. And criticizing is not the way Okay, the third c that you really need to avoid is comparing because many times what ends up happening is you know, you see someone you're impressed by them and you do it maybe with good intentions, maybe not, maybe you want to kind of like you know, poke at them a little bit, you may say it with this intention of like, oh, Mashallah, like, you know, I really like like a sister, Mashallah. She's always in a good mood. How nice is that? And then instead of your

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spouse finding that as Oh, wow, I want to be in a good mood to they're just kind of like, they get annoyed, they probably dislike the person you're comparing them to, it doesn't really create a motivation to be better, okay? Or if you tell your spouse like, oh, Mashallah, like this brother is doing so well, financially, he's not going to take it well, because you immediately feel inadequate, okay. And I know, I've brought this up before because repetition is the mother of all skills, right? So if you have the mindset of, okay, I've already know this, I already have the doing this. If you know something, and you're not applying it, that knowledge is worthless, okay. And that's something

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we really need to understand because too many people feel like, Alright, you know, this, I've already read this, your your spoke about this? And I'm like, are you applying it in your life, if you're not applying it? And if you're not doing the things that you say that you know, then it's really it's counting against you, okay, if that's not good enough after they cry, right, so we remind in order to incite entice in someone to take the positive action, right. So in sha Allah, that we can really avoid these three C's, which is you know, the first one is control, we don't want to control our spouse, or criticize or compare because when we do that, it really makes the spouse

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become very defensive, they become insulted, they're full of resentment. And so if you find yourself doing any one of these three C's even just one of them, then you can really realize where the problem is coming from and you can try to stop it and I have a lot of free resources on holla banani.com. Under courses, you can either get the free PDF, the seven jumps to save your marriage, their free video series. I really want to do

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serve our community, I want to help you. I know it's a very trying time and so many people are struggling. You know, I hear the stories every single day where people are on brink of divorce, they're fed up. And a lot of times what I notice unless it's like a really, maybe if it's an abusive relationship, or there was, you know, massive cheating going on, you know, I hear about today as well. If it's not one of those two cases, then it's actually not a very difficult fix. You know, it actually requires just learning some marriage skills, some coaching, understanding how to get your needs met, because people get very frustrated with like, I don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm

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fed up, I'm fed up with how things are and I get it and I don't want you to just take it, I don't want you to just settle I don't want you to overlook your needs. It's a matter of learning how to get those needs met in the appropriate ways. So holla banani.com under courses, get the free resources that you can get the help that you need. Thank you for tuning in, said I'm on a call