Ramadan 2016 – Remedies for Your Marriage – 4

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Haleh Banani

Channel: Haleh Banani

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Episode Notes

Ramadan 2016 – Remedies for Your Marriage – EP 4

June 16, 2016

Episode Transcript

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Hey calm. Welcome to Ramadan remedies for your marriage. We're going to be starting in a few minutes and sha Allah has a lot of mana Rahim was was salatu salam ala rasulillah, I really hope that you all are being inspired to take this opportunity in the month of Ramadan, when we are gaining that closeness when we're getting that spiritual high in our life. And we extend that into our relationships, especially in the marriage, I think that we, it's a lot of times it's overlooked, we put our relationships on hold, we have everything on a back burner. But I think that the most important thing we can do is to take this opportunity as we are improving ourselves as we're gaining

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connection to Allah, we gain that connection with our spouse. And so we've talked in a few of the Ramadan remedies for your marriage, we've talked about how we can build that relationship, how we can, why this is the best time to build our marriage, because we have we we have this opportunity, we have that spiritual high. And so today, I'm going to talk to you about having the hostname than the good opinion, the good opinion of a lot and a good opinion of your spouse. So I want to know that this Ramadan, when you're making da I know you make to offer so many things in your life. Are you making sincere to offer your marriage? Are you making da with that conviction that it's being

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heard? And it's being answered? Or are you praying and just thinking, you know, what's the point it's over, nothing can help, nothing is going to make it better.

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If you're thinking to herself, that it's impossible to save my marriage, then you are limiting a lot. You are creating boundaries for a lot. And we need to make sure that we don't have any limitations on a law. If you think that your marriage is a lost cause, then what is your opinion of a law? I believe that miracles happen when we have strong conviction when we make to our with that certainty when we know for sure that our da is being heard. And Allah has the ability to answer it. All he has to do is say Quan, that's it. And then your problems will be God and your the obstacles will be removed from your path, the knots will be untie. So it's really important to pray with that

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conviction. I can give you some examples. When miracles occurred, it happened because the individuals that were making the god they were in, they had that conviction. For instance, Musa alayhis salaam, he was being followed by the most ferocious army. And he got to a point he got to the Red Sea and he felt like everyone thought that they were doomed. And yet he knew that a lot is with him. And he didn't give up he did not falter. He did not get hopeless. And because of that Allah created the miracle and part of the Red Sea, when mighty MLA Salaam was in the middle of the desert, giving birth without any medical equipment, no physicians, no,

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no husband, no epidural, no llamas closet, she was by herself. And she was struggling, she had that conviction that a lot hears her draw a lot that times that shake the palm tree. Can the dates fell to how hard is it to shake a palm tree, it takes several healthy men to do that. And it's just an indication that you need to make an effort, you need to take that first step in order for the two of us to be answered.

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And the best example of hopelessness than a good opinion of allies, Ibrahim alayhis salam, he's being thrown into the fire, and he does not falter. He does not waver, he does not question or get hopeless. Our situations are much easier than what these individuals have face. And as he's being shot into the fire, he is firm on his belief that Allah has his back and Allah is going to be there for him. And so at that point, the miracle occurs that Allah says make the fire button was Salam and make it cool and comfortable for Ibrahim and he did not get affected by the fire. And so it is all about having the hustler than because Allah says in the Hadeeth what's

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The Prophet sallallahu Sallam said that a lot the Most High said, I am as my servant thinks of me and expects on me, I am with him when he mentioned me, if he mentioned me to himself, I mentioned him to myself. And he, if he mentioned me in an assembly, I mentioned him in an assembly greater than it meaning by the angels. If he draws near, to me a hands length, I draw near to him an arm's length, and if he comes to me walking, I go to him at speed, isn't that amazing? I love this headache. And it's reminding us that a lot is as we think of him. So if we have that find that we have a great opinion of Allah, if we know that He is the Most Merciful, and he is the most powerful,

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and all that it takes is for him to say, con fair code and it is done, then we will see the results of that.

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You know, our, our perspectives in life, really affect the way we view everything. If we have if you have a pessimistic outlook, and you see everything in a negative light, then you're going to be miserable. I'm sure all of you know individuals like that. Anything they look at every person they come across, all they can do is look for flaws. They're a magnet for flaws and negativity, anything they see, they see that most negative points in it. And those individuals are miserable, and they make everyone around them miserable. Now, if you choose to have an optimistic outlook, and you search for positivity, you are a magnet for positivity, whether that's in people, you search for

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goodness in them, whether that's in your situation, even if you're in a hard situation, you think about you know, what is happiness? What is good? What can I learn? How can I become a better person through this? What is the wisdom, when you start doing that, then you are going to be a much happier and more content individual. The perspective that we have on our law is so critical in how we view our life. I want to ask you this, do you view of life in a positive light? Now, you might automatically say yes, of course I do. Of course, I view a lot of positive light. But I want you to think about the times when you were tested, when something very precious to you was taken away, when

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you didn't get that promotion that you were expecting when you lost the loved one, when things happened around you that you felt that you just felt like you're in complete darkness, maybe you got a divorce, maybe you had a big fight, maybe things just fell apart. I want to ask you Then did you still have a good opinion of Allah? Did you see that you're feeling towards them alter, because I find that people react to hardship in one of two ways. There are those individuals that that when they are faced with hardship, they get closer and closer to their Creator. They realize they realize how small they are how incapable and they just humble themselves and they become more they submit

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more than ever. And they feel that that is the rope to one they hold on to it as tight as they can, because they know that they have no one else, then there are those individuals that when they are tested even slightly when something slightly is different from what they had expected. If maybe they didn't get let's say the promotion or something didn't go exactly the way they want it, then immediately, the whole a mind collapses. It's like their mind is based on the things that they have or the people who are around them. It's not a solid. And you find that those individuals as soon as they're tested, as soon as they're put in the fire to be purified. They falter. They give up, they

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throw in the towel, they stop praying, they think that you know my odds are not being answered. What's the point? Why do I even continue doing this? I'm not being answered. I'm not even being heard. You know, I had a client who came to me and she was so completely devastated because a few weeks before she was about to get married. Now imagine that you know how sisters how they get into the whole marriage preparation, how excited they are the dress, the party, the invitation, all of the preparation. She had gone through all that and she thought that she had just, you know, an amazing guy. Few weeks before the wedding

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few weeks before the way

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The guy called it off her fiance called off the wedding. He's like, I can't do this. I cannot do this because she had a really difficult personality. And she had a very entitled personality. She thought that she can act however she wants. And everyone has to just kind of comply. And when he called off the wedding that was like a huge wake up call is like a slap in the face. She just couldn't believe it. She always had everything she ever wanted. She was beautiful. She was wealthy, spoiled everything that she wanted, she got. And then suddenly here, this guy who she thought was her dream guy, basically called it off. And at that point is when I met her and she was she was so

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down. And she had recently gotten news that a family member was very sick, had a tumor, she was about to lose a family member as well. So not only was her love life in trouble, her family life was in trouble. It was like a huge wake up call. And that's, that's scary. That's scary. Because if you don't have the mind, if you are have not been working hard, and accumulating the emaan throughout the years, then something like that hits and you you hit rock bottom. And that's what happened to her. And when she felt that

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her world was falling apart. She became so desperate, she became suicidal, she lost hope. She thought she felt that Allah had abandoned her. So she's like, you know what, I'm, I'm abandoning the prayer. I'm abandoning the prayer, because I don't feel like it's making a difference. And I can tell you that so many of my clients have gone through this, so many have told me that, you know, sir, I, I stopped praying. It's been a few months, few months, that I stopped praying, because I felt that you know, everything is going wrong with in my life, I felt that the, you know, the dogs were not effective. And I tell you, that what happened with this sister can happen to you with you

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know, and hamdulillah with therapy and attending Holocaust and being realigned, being reconnected to the purpose of life, the purpose of life is not just finding a dream man or a dream girl, the purpose of life is not just simply getting degrees and having a good life and having children, the purpose of life is so much greater than that. And it is about finding ourselves and finding our connection with Allah worshiping Him in everything that we do. And if we don't have that, if we lose that connection, we are completely lost. And so when she got realigned with her creator, when I encouraged her to do acts of charity, to go out there to work with the orphans, to ask herself, why

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did this happen? Not why, but what is the wisdom? She kept asking, Why did this happen to me? It's like, why did this happen? And you know, everyone asks these questions like, Why me? Why did why did terrible things always happen to me? He needs to rephrase that and ask, what's the wisdom? What is the wisdom in this happening? And when she started asking that, it led her to an epiphany. She suddenly just, she just woke up and realized that she had been leading a life that was not pleasing to Allah. She was treating people so badly. She hadn't the did not have the clock, she does not have the kindness. And this actually helped. It helped her to totally transform herself. She transformed

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herself spiritually. she regained that connection with Allah. And she transformed herself emotionally. She started being emotionally available, she was kind and she changed herself completely. And what is amazing about this, is that since she started to have a good opinion of Allah, and she regained her faith in Allah, Allah rewarded her in an amazing way. I got a phone call a few months ago, and she called me and said, You know what? You're right. I said, About what? Okay, I know, I'm right. But what, what specifically Are you referring to? And she said, Well, you know, I met someone much better than that guy, my ex fiance, and we're getting married. And she sent me her

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wedding pictures and she looked beautiful, and they just, it was so happy, such a happy ending. Mashallah Tabata Kala and that's because of the fact that she or she realigned herself.

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She went from being hopeless, pessimistic thinking that her world had collapsed, which I'm sure many of you may be in a similar situation, maybe not specifically, you know, having a fiance call off the wedding, but I'm sure many of you are being challenged, maybe your marriage is on the rocks, maybe the talks of divorce have have come up, which you never thought you would even consider it. Maybe it's the fact that you're in a financial dilemma, or your kids are turning out in a way that you just never expected. I mean, I get these calls on a daily basis where people have hit rock bottom, where people have found out things about their spouse that is just completely devastating. And you

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may feel that what's the point? I just had a sister come in. And she had found out some horrible things about her husband. And it really shook her. Here's a sister who has been practicing, she has chest all her life obedient, such a committed sister. But sometimes these incidents shake a person to the core, she shakes a person to the point where she's like, I don't know about my belief anymore. And I told her, What do you mean, you're not going to give up your faith just because of one man. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what he did. You have to keep that connection. You were an Hamdulillah, you were on the on the path, he was the one who transgress so we can never lose

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sight of that. And and humble and humble. I saw her yesterday and she said you know what? I am I'm committed. I you know, I have that trust in Allah, I'm not going to let go of the rope of Allah. So you can't let go of the rope of Allah either. And, you know, the amazing thing about the story that I just shared with you is that she changed herself. And when you change yourself, when you recognize your shortcomings, and you start making changes, then a law will make the changes in your condition. And Allah says,

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In Nala holla, yahiro, mabhida, Omen Hata Yoga yiruma. For say him, that Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of the people until they change what is in themselves. I think that this is such a powerful verse, and it should be plastered on every message. I saw this in one of the posts, a friend of ours showed us from Sydney, Australia, that it's at the entrance of the match. And I thought, what a profound verse, to walk into the masjid and realize the change starts with yourself, you want a better marriage, you want better work, you want a better family, whatever it is, you want better health, whatever it is that you're asking for this Ramadan, whatever it is you're crying for,

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and you're in sujood for a long period of time you want a spouse, you want a child you want whatever it is, then start with yourself, make those changes make the commitment. I mean, this is the ultimate month to make that change. No for not going to change. Now, when are we going to change? This is the time when all our focus is on basically self improvement. I mean, we think of it as that cleansing, it's a month of or on, we're reading, we're gaining that spirituality, we're gaining that closest to a law and all of that, why does Allah have us do that we need to we need to ask that. What is the purpose of all of these things, he's not in need of our prayers, he's not in need of our

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fasting, it's all just to change us. It's to mold us is to purify us and to make us have a better character is to make us have a way to improve ourselves. So if we make that our intention, then you will see that Allah will put so much better if you are recognizing your shortcomings this Ramadan and you realize, you know what I I really do have a temper. I need to I need to calm it down. I need to learn how to have anger management, maybe your your shortcoming is that you're lying. Maybe it is the fact that you you're wasting a lot of time. Maybe you're rude and disrespectful. Maybe you feel entitled, maybe you feel like you know everyone should listen to you and you manipulate others,

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whatever it is, just be honest with yourself, be honest and make those changes because as soon as you make the changes in yourself, then whatever your situation is, Allah is suddenly going to change it around for you. I've seen it I've witnessed it in my own life. I've witnessed it with 1000s of people. I have worked with that. It just

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takes that commitment, the commitment to change yourself. Now, not only should we have husbands than for a law, we need to have husbands and for our spouse as well. So what does it mean to have a good opinion of your spouse? It means giving them the benefit of the doubt. It means making excuses for them. So knowing that they're not intentionally angering you, hurting you, driving you up the wall, they're not doing it intentionally, hopefully. Okay, there may be a few that may. But for the most part, I think that most people

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go on with their life, not realizing how they are hurting their spouse, I see it, I see it in therapy sessions, when I'm doing the couples therapy, and how one spouse, let's say the wife is in tears, and she's breaking down and she just feels like oh, my God, he does this on purpose. And he's just so he wants to destroy me. He wants to hurt me. And he's sitting there looking like, I don't know what she's talking about. I I have no intention of doing that. And you see that there's just a misinterpretation. If you have a positive outlook on your spouse, and you feel that whatever they're doing, there's a positive intent, that there is hopelessness, then that is such an important aspect

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of our Deen of our beliefs, right? Because a lot of people are very suspicious, a lot of people are so negative, they just automatically assume the worse. They see someone Oh, he didn't say hi. Ah, look, he's he has something against me. He's plotting against me. I just know it. Yep. You know, that sister, that sister, Oh, she didn't give salons, or she didn't come and help out or she is not likely to say volunteering. I know she has it in for me. Well, we need to have that give that benefit of the doubt. And those individuals who are struggling maybe with their pride, and they don't want to give initiate the setups or they don't want to help out or, you know, those

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individuals have to work on themselves as well. So that you don't create this negative emotions and other people. So it's, it's about looking at a situation and always reframing always looking for that silver lining. So if your spouse, for instance, comes home late, right, so instead of jumping to the conclusion that I know, there's someone else, oh, my God, I know. And he told me, it's going to be home an hour ago, he's late. So definitely, there's someone else. And so you're creating this scenario, the based on assumptions based on false information. You're getting worked up, you're angry. Meanwhile, what is the guy doing? He's at work, working hard trying to make a living trying

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to pay the bills. And by the time he comes home, you are furious. You're furious, and you let him have it. And he doesn't know what hit him. Right? You have to have that Hostnet done. You have to give them the benefit of the doubt. Just think to yourself, you know, maybe maybe got caught up maybe there was a phone call. Maybe there was a meeting, maybe there's some extra work that came up, make those kind of excuses. If you call your spouse and she's not answering the phone, don't automatically think oh, she's disrespecting me. Oh, I know. She's just playing games. She just she's just trying to ignore me. Just assume that you know, maybe her phone is on silent. He has at the

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message, kept it on silent. And now she doesn't hear the phone. Or maybe she's busy with the kids, maybe the four kids she has at home. And it's just changing someone's diaper, she doesn't get a chance to answer the phone. So don't automatically assume that your spouse is out to get you.

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One client I have that. As soon as she sees her spouse go on the phone or on the computer, she freaks out it's just and immediately thinks that he's chatting with with another girl. And this causes a lot of tension in a marriage when you are constantly being suspicious when you're constantly getting angered. Based on your assumptions. There's no no validity. There's no validity. I mean, there that's a whole nother story. If if there is something actually happening, I'm talking about individuals who are innocent of doing anything wrong, they're going to work coming back or they're at home taking care of the kids. There's no reason to be suspicious and you still are

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suspicious because of your own negativity, because you just assume that people cannot be good and that will have a very negative impact on your marriage. So what is the benefit of having this

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than thinking the best of your spots, first and foremost, you are going to be at peace, you are going to feel at peace, because you are not creating, you're not creating these scenarios in your mind, and gaining like getting

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angry and frustrated, and sad. Second of all, you're not suspicious, you're not suspicious, you're not assuming the worst. Third is that you are protecting your marriage. Because if you are constantly thinking the worst of your spouse, you know what one brother told me, it's like, you know, my, my wife is always assuming that I'm up to no good.

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And he is very careful. I mean, the guidelines he tell me and how he interacts with, with,

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with his co workers with other female. And he said, You know, I mean, I don't know what to do, I take all the precautions, I'm so loyal, and yet she assumes the worst. And if we do that, what happens with a child if we're constantly assuming, let's say, a good child that's truthful, that studious, that listens to your base, and you always assume that, Oh, I know, I know that you're, you're chatting with someone, aren't you, you're meeting someone behind my back, you are doing this, you're doing that. They're gonna be like, Oh, my God, but might as well go and do it. And at least have some fun. I mean, I'm already being prosecuted, I'm already being found guilty. So I might as

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well and go live it up. This is how some spouses may feel, as they're like, regardless of what I do, the suspicion is there. So we really need to be careful about this, that we don't breed, we, first of all, don't allow any reason for your spouse to be suspicious of you. You go to the bathroom with your phone, or you're all like cautious, the phone rings and you're like, you jump and you grab and you freak out. If your spouse looks at it, I mean, this is, this is an indication something's going on that shouldn't be going on. Okay, so if nothing's going on, then don't react like that. be completely transparent, with your phone, with your computer with all the things that you have, so

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that your spouse, you don't lead them to being suspicious. And if you have no reason, if there is no evidence that your spouse has done anything, then start with the suspicions. Just try to have that trust, because by not having a trust you are, you're going to break the relationship completely. So you protect the marriage by having the hustler that and you prevent fights and arguments and lots and lots of headaches. Because as soon as you have this in a suit event where you think evil of your spouse, then that's really gonna affect Jake, you're gonna think evil, you're going to attack them, you're going to confront them, what is this? What is the meaning of this way? Why do they do this

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all the time? They're gonna be defensive. I didn't do this. What are you thinking? And then, like, some clients tell me they don't speak for three, three days to a week. One kinds of storm is like, it's been two weeks that they haven't taught, this is not good. This is not going to make you have a better marriage. So we need to definitely cultivate the hustler then, and have that positive outlook towards our spouse. Now, here are some of the action items, okay, this is what I want you to do, inshallah, next time, you're frustrated from your spouse, instead of jumping the gun and thinking they're out to get you and they're trying to destroy you. Make an excuse, make an excuse for them.

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think good thoughts, ease your mind, ease your mind, ease your heart. You are instigating a lot of this yourself. I see this with people that I work with all the time, they are creating drama after drama after drama, and that the spouse is just sitting there like what am I going to do? What am I going to do? I have done nothing and my spouse is creating all of this in their mind. So you frustrated from your spot, but half the hosts that

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have husbands and to Allah I think the best of Allah. Don't limit him. Don't limit him. All it takes for him to say his coin.

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So if you have an issue, if you have a problem, if something needs to be resolved, turn to him turn to Him. And don't think oh, I'm too bad. I'm too. You know, I've sinned too badly. So I can't I can't be alone. Can I forgive me? Who are you to say what Allah will or will not do? Right?

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You're talking about the Most Merciful

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And if he chooses to forgive you, then think of him in the best way because he is as you think of him. So if you're limiting His forgiveness, that's how it's going to be towards you. expand it, think that there is nothing that ally can't do, there is no prayer that can't be answered, pray with that kind of conviction. And you will see miracles happen in your life, in your marriage with your kids, it is just having that conviction and being optimistic. It's rare to find practicing Muslims who are optimistic, sadly, I find that many people

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do the rituals, they have the outward appearance, they have a you know, they have the check marks, right, all the things Check, check, check, check. But then when it comes to their views, views of other people, very negative views of being judgmental of every person they see looking, and, and is searching for flaws in people and places and things, and that they're just breathing negativity. So let's make it our goal, this Ramadan, that we become more optimistic that we're more positive. And I know that it's hard for some people, maybe they grew up with very negative parents, maybe, maybe that's your personality, but you know what? changed it? Because it's, it's not going to do you any

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good. And we can't just say, Well, I love this, this my personality just the way I am. What can I do? Well, a lot of us say, change yourself, this is our mission. Our mission is to live by the part of our staff, that is the best, we need to live to a higher standard. If we are, you know, always in the habit of being pessimistic and always whining, catch yourself, catch yourself the next time you're about to whine, or nag, or yell or scream or whatever it is just catch yourself and say your law. Please help me. There's so many times I've been instituted, I asked a lot. replace this, that is in my heart with something that is better. And you will be amazed what happens if you do that

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into headshots. And there's something you're working on in your SOP and you ask a law, say y'all I've removed this from my heart, whatever it is, I'm feeling whatever it is just take it away and replace it with something better and miraculous things happen. So how has that done of Allah pray with conviction and certainty. You have to pray with conviction and certainty that your dog is not only being heard, but it can be answered. And that that is the distinction between dogs being answered and not I mean, there's a long list of criteria for dogs to be answered. But one of them one of them is to have the conviction. One of them is to know that Allah is listening to you and

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hears you and is capable of answering it. Pray for your marriage. You know there's long lists of things people pray for pray for their kids. They pray for their well they pray for their families. But you know, how many of you have made to how law put that? Ma and the the rough man the mercy, the mullet in our marriage? Yeah, Allah remove this. This constricted heart that I have y'all I helped me to forgive y'all a soften his heart Yala. Soften her heart. How many times have you found yourself making sincere draw for the marriage? Now I find that a lot of times people overlook this very important step. A lot of times, they bring up divorce like that. And it's just, you know, this

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not going well next, you know, it just says ended. Let's get out. any relationship that you will be in will have a set of unsolvable problems. And

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it may not be the same set of problems, it's going to be a whole new set of problems, and you have no idea how much worse it might be. So why not stick with it? Do your best and try to make the marriage that you have more beneficial and more fruitful? Also, if

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if you need someone if you need to have a step by step approach in learning how to have this good marriage, how maybe you didn't have good role models, maybe you don't have the examples. Maybe you're completely lost. I know. I was just working with with an individual this week who said you know, I just I really had no idea. Anything that I was teaching. I'm like, wow, I wish I knew this. I wish I knew this 10 years ago.

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I wish I knew not to be so suspicious of my spouse, I wish I knew how to make him feel appreciated, I wish that I had, I had given that time and attention and the affection, I messed up, and then it's too late. So I really encourage all of you, if you if you need that extra help to get the marriage, I have an online marriage program. It's the five, five, like the number five pillars of marriage calm, and attempt to lead this has helped. So many hundreds of people save their marriages. And, and I'm sure it could help your marriage as well. I'm going to open it up to questions now. See if there any questions that we can say?

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All right.

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Okay, this question

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from a brother, how do I learn to be a better partner in terms of day to day affairs so that

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my spouse does not feel stressed out? What a nice question to ask, Well, just the fact that you care enough to ask this question, kudos to you. You know, you need to find out from your spouse, what kind of help they need, I think communication is really important. Don't try to guess, you know, it's a lot of things can be done by trial and error. But I think basically being there for your spouse, making sure that whether it's the chores around the house, whether it is the responsibility with the kids, I think women really appreciated when they feel that their, their spouse is attentive, I have a few clients that I've been, I'm really impressed with their level of involvement

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in, in the household, they will, you know, they will help out whether it's with the cooking, they may help out with, you know, doing the dishes from from time to time taking the kids out. So ask specifically what your spouse will need. I'm not sure if you're married right now or not. But the once you do get married, you can ask, and then just be attentive, just anticipate the need of your spouse, I think that's a really good point. If when you're in your own world, if you're just sitting there, on your laptop on your phone, and you're just chatting, and and you're oblivious of the house around you, you're oblivious of the kids, you're oblivious of the responsibilities, your spouse is

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going to feel like, you don't care. So we need to make sure that we are attentive to our spouse, inshallah, May Allah give you a good righteous spouse. And, and hopefully you learn to have a very good relationship with one another inshallah. All right, let's see the next question.

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I can't let things go. All right, sister. I know it's hard.

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I know it is. But you know, the most important thing is to be able to let it go. And you know, when you can let it go is when you've had a resolution when you feel like, okay, I've been heard. It's been understood. And now we have some kind of an agreement. And then we can let go, it's hard to let go when, when those steps have not been taken. That's why I like in pillar four, which is conflict resolution in my program, I talk about step by step characteristics, you need to have to resolve a conflict, then how to solve the problem, because if you do all that, then the letting go part becomes a lot easier because you don't feel that you are

00:38:53--> 00:39:15

you are being wronged in any way you don't feel that you don't feel that, Oh, I'm misunderstood. So if you take those steps about expressing your needs, and then resolving the conflict, then the letting go part becomes a lot easier because you feel like okay, we have a solution now. So

00:39:17--> 00:39:18

can you still hear me?

00:39:20--> 00:39:22

All right. Let's see.

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Okay, let go things as you want a lot to let things go for you on the Day of Judgment. Okay. That's a good reminder, if we want to be forgiven, remember last time, Tuesday, I was talking about forgiveness, and that if we want a lot to forgive us, then we need to definitely forgive our spouse. Because constantly reminding that, you know, we had a therapy session, and you know, the sister was talking about something and she was so fired up. It's just talking, I'm so angry and so fired up. And the brother is like, this is about 10 years ago. There he was a little bit more

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straight like, Okay, if you want to bring this up again, that's fine. But it happened 10 years ago. So this kind of perpetual bringing up problems from the past. It's not healthy. What's the point? You know, I see so many couples,

00:40:18--> 00:40:40

I just want them to just get along, because I find that there's no real major issues going on. Sometimes. It's just a matter of some, some differences, maybe personality differences. And they're still like talking about divorce after only a few years of marriage. So I really hope that we can

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work on ourselves, forgive and let go. Let's see if there are any other questions.

00:40:53--> 00:40:53

Okay.

00:40:56--> 00:40:57

Let's see.

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All right, I'm searching for the questions. If you have any questions, you want to write them now and I'll be happy to answer them. Okay, this one is saying I need anger management, I can get very mad.

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I was like that yesterday. Okay, it went away. Let's see.

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Alright, so anger management, it's,

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it's a big one, it is a big one in marriages. I think that a lot of people, let's see, I was like that yesterday.

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It's jumping around, I

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wish I could change that I have improved a lot. But I also have a lot of social problems. Worse, I kind of,

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I kind of let things go, okay. So with the anger management, really, really try to work on yourself. Because each time you get angry, it's like a bulldozer in the relationship. You're building, building, building, and then you yell, and you scream, and you throw certain things out, then that really damages I mean, I just had a client tell me that they're their wife, every time

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she gets angry, she starts calling him names and yelling and screaming. And you know, over time, that's really going to get to a person. Now it affects their self esteem and affects the way they feel about you. So I have an anger management. I did a two part TV show, it's on my website, hollub unani.com, it's for free, you can watch those because I go into depth about it. But really hold yourself accountable. Maybe even you know, tell your spouse, I'm trying to work on my anger, please, help me this is what you could do to when I'm in that state, what you can do that will you know, ease my pain, maybe just a bit like a big hug, or reassuring words or something like that. But

00:43:04--> 00:43:25

definitely, that's so good that you recognize that I'm proud of you for recognizing it, because somebody was like, I have a problem. What problem, it's all him he needs to change, right? So the fact that you recognize you have a problem, that means that you're a big person, Mashallah. And you're halfway there. So now it's just a matter of learning the skills and then applying it.

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Okay, it is hard to find a good resolution and solve the conflict. If I'm not able to find this resolution for me. It's quite impossible to let go. It's really hard. I always trying to solve the conflict, but sometimes it's it is not possible, it is difficult to accept the reality as it is I pray to have the strength. Okay. Yes. Like I was saying you do need to find some kind of resolution. And you have to also realize that there are some problems that are not solvable, right, there are certain things that you're just not going to change, you're not going to be able to get around that maybe maybe it's the fact that you're living with your in laws, okay, maybe just that's not

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something you're going to be able to eliminate, and it's causing you stress. So it's a matter of changing yourself changing your reaction to the situation. And if you can do that, then you will definitely improve the situation.

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Okay. All right. I always saw my mother suffering and marriage. My father is really different kind of person. He doesn't even respect us. He doesn't consider us anything he is good to his friends but not with the family very difficult to tolerate him. You know, it is it is very hard to have parents who are not good role models. And you know, you see these behaviors where, where they're not being kind or respectful.

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And you can do one of two things either you can just feel sorry for yourself.

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thing Oh no, I'm doomed. I never had a good example. Or you can feel that you know what I'm going to use them as an example of what not to do. Now, I had a supervisor and I was doing my internship at the VA hospital. And she was not the best supervisor. And at first, I was a little bit frustrated, because I was so eager, so enthusiastic to learn, I was like, ready to like a sponge and wanted to soak it all in. And then I saw her behavior, her character, the way she interacted with the, you know, the patients in the hospital. I was just like, floored by it. So I decided, you know, what I'm going to learn what not to do. So whatever stood I did the opposite. And I got great results. So you

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can just do that with with your parents and then learn. I mean, that's why it's so important to getting the marriage program. It's online, you do it at your own pace, then you can learn

00:45:55--> 00:46:06

step by step, no one taught you, but you can learn now, and that I think that's a really important part of this process. Let's see, what else do we have here?

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Okay, so many times people ask me that, this, you know, how do you cultivate being being a positive person, you know, and I think it's just about asking yourself the right questions, asking yourself, you know, what is good about this person? What is what are their strengths? You know, and sometimes, and I asked, a, it's so funny sometimes, because I asked him, you know, what do you like, What do you like about your spouse? And they're completely stuck. They have nothing to say, like nothing. It's like, you're a good father. It's like, no, but what about me, me as a person? What do you like? What is it my character, and they get stuck? Because a lot of times, people are just like a magnet

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for negativity, and then they blow it up 20 by 20. So try to ask the questions like, what do I like about my spouse? What are what are his strengths? What are the positive traits, and that will help you to be more positive. Okay, so looking for more questions. I always listen before I sleep.

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Okay.

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Oh, let's see. Do I always have to look good when my husband comes home? It's hard with children, especially when you don't have family here. All right. Well, I know I know, it's not easy. I have three kids myself, and I know the challenges of being a mom. You know what, you don't have to be like a supermodel. But take five minutes to maybe change out of your sweats. Maybe put a dab of lipstick, maybe like brush your hair, you know it you don't have to be decked out, right. But it's just a matter of having the courtesy to look presentable. You know, the same kind of courtesy you would have for girlfriend was coming over? Would you come to the door the way you're dressed? I

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don't think so. We put a lot of care into looking our best for our girlfriends. So I think just taking five minutes, I'm not telling you to go all out and do anything spectacular, but make him feel that he's valuable enough for you to look good.

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All right, tell us about a healthy relationship, a healthy relationship is all about having this host of than for each other. Right. It's harmonious, you anticipate the needs of one another, you overlook you forgive, you know, sometimes I find individuals who are just, they just get stuck on one point and they hammer it and hammer it and they beat it to death. And that is not going to help the relationship. So if you want to have a healthy relationship, try to seek the best, bring out the best and ask yourself, what can I do to make my spouse happy, and go in it to give if you're in it to give and not just to get then you'll definitely have a very healthy relationship. inshallah. How

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can we show our husbands more respect? I'm sure the husbands are cheering at this point. Okay, because that is the number one complaint that men have that I am not given enough respect. And you know what it is what I have found is that, not that the wives are not necessarily showing respect, they're showing respect, the way that they have received for spec like that is the rules of their relationship is let's say expressing themselves while in the husband's relationship rules of relationship is maybe staying quiet, you know, so you have to communicate with your spouse, and it's different for each person. So I can't sit there and I can give you some of the rules of the

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relationship so you can be respectful in general, but then you need to have that communication with your spouse and say, How can I make you feel more respected?

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And this is what I do in therapist session. I, you know, I asked him because a man will obviously say that almost always says, I'm not respected enough, I need more respect. So I tell him, you know what? Give me behaviorally, what things can your wife do so that you feel respected? Because it's different for every man. Now, obviously, it goes without saying that being respectful means not calling your spouse names, okay? If you say you're stupid, you're an idiot, you don't know how to do anything, where a lot of I know that a lot of spouses do this. That's not showing respect. If you're yelling, that's disrespectful. So talking in a nice manner, showing love for his family, regarding

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what he's saying, right, listening, because a lot of men will say, Well, I don't feel respected, because she doesn't listen to anything I say, what I say is just, you know, stop value. So listening, making him feel heard, and making him feel valued. Okay.

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Okay, it is hard to find a good resolution and solve the conflict. Okay, I think we got this one already, how can we show our husbands more respect, we got that, if we have an issue, I want to talk, forgive and forget my spouse, otherwise stays quiet. And that makes me very frustrated. Okay?

00:51:28--> 00:51:41

This is yet this is a trend amongst men, they may not want to confront. A lot of times when an issue happens, right? Like, I just had a client expressed to me that,

00:51:43--> 00:52:26

you know, we, I come back, let's say I come back from work, and I'm tired, I'm exhausted. And something has been simmering inside the wive. And so he comes in and is like, boom, we have to solve this problem, it's not, it's not the best time to solve it. So you may just want to pick a better time. Don't Don't attack him, right, when he's not gonna want to come home, he's gonna become this workaholic. Or he's gonna be a volunteer a Holic at the masjid and never come home. Because like, I know, it's waiting for me. If I come, I'm going to be attacked, I'm going to be confronted, and then we have to go through an hour discussion, he says, gets your man to space, let him unwind, let it be

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to find that good timing. And then

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don't go for a long period of time, I find that a lot of us, you know, as women, we have like, twice, we have a need to talk twice as much, maybe 10 times as much as the man. And I see it on the faces of the men when there's a therapy session, and the wife goes, and he goes into this, like, stare like he is no longer there is just like, Oh my God, when is this gonna end? So I trained the sisters, you know, be succinct, be short, be simple. Talk about one thing, don't drag things from 10 years ago, and don't list the 10 things he's done wrong. One point, keep it short, you'll keep his attention. But if you want to go on, and a lot of men will tell me Oh, my God takes me in the room.

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And she'll talk for an hour, and I can't take it. So don't do it that way. I'm sure that's one of the reasons why he doesn't want to confront because like, he knows what he's in for five minutes, short discussion, keep it brief, keep it sweet. And that quickly, let go and move on. Some discussions obviously will take longer than five minutes, but you get the point. Don't go on and on. Discuss one point at a time.

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Okay?

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I am morbidly obese and I feel ugly. My self esteem is extremely low. I'm letting this get to me so much that I know it bothers my husband. And he hates when I say that about myself. How can I handle this emotionally? Well, I think that it's important that you know, you recognize this, and you're seeing how it's affecting you. And that's why it's so important to to take care of yourself. And like in the first pillar of my program is all about self development. It's like about working on yourself. Because if you're not happy with yourself, whether that's whether whether that's physically like you're talking about, or whether that's academically or emotional, whatever it is

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that's holding you back, it's gonna affect the relationship. And I'm sure your husband you know, loves you and doesn't want to hear you.

00:54:37--> 00:54:59

bad mouth yourself. And a lot of women do that, you know, and there's a lot of women will be like, Am I fat? Does this look bad? And they're drawing the attention of their spouse on their shortcomings where they really should be actively doing something to either change their condition or not, you know, or

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Except it, right, there's one of two things you can either, you know, I don't know what measures you've taken to try to change your situation, because

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I know of really effective ways and healthy ways of losing the weight. And that's something that I've worked with and with my clients, you know, so many of my clients have lost, you know, over 35 pounds, 3040 pounds, and it's quick, easy and healthy. So you either take that approach where you get motivated, and you take action, or you accept yourself, and you decide that you know why.

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This is how I am and I have some friends who are completely okay with their size, because that's, that's the end of they've tried, they weren't able to lose the way the husband accepts them. But it's really a matter of you accepting yourself, right, because a lot of times a man will be like, you know, I'm okay with it. I'm, I'm not telling her, she needs to lose the weight. But she herself is not able to accept that. So I think it's important to do your best to see how you can change that situation and then accept any limitation that you may have.

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But if your spouse never saw his wife and child since he was born, he's now nine years he lives in another country, all he does is gives hope to see his wife and kids for nine years, which the wife to

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Okay, that's, that's a very difficult situation. I mean, you really need to reevaluate this. The setup, I can imagine a father not wanting to see his son or his wife for nine years. I think there's something critically wrong in this picture. I think it's, it's a crisis situation, I think you may need the help of a professional to understand what is actually going on. Because this is not normal. It's not normal for a, you know, for husband to be away for this long. And not to be concerned about the kids. So I would I would take this up and and try to come up with a solution. Because, as is it I think you're just you're living in limbo, and it's not fair.

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All right.

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Okay, so I think we are just about done.

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All right. How to make my spouse feel appreciated and welcomed at home. Oh, great question. I do dress up in welcoming with a smile, we do hug when he comes home, I see this exhausted face. I know how long, he has a long day long commute, just looking for his genuine smile towards me. And that he likes the effort I put for him. Well, that's beautiful, that's great sister that you are making that you're taking effort, you're making effort to look your best to greet your spouse, I think just you know, with with your words, just saying that you know what, I really appreciate it maybe a small massage, I offered that I suggested that to one of the clients where he has a very demanding job,

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he's a physician. And I suggested as a way for him to wind down is to give, you know, a brief massage and he was like he was so happy about that. I think just making your spouse feel like you really appreciate what he's doing. And asking him again, you know, I don't I don't think there's a lot of guesswork. You don't need to guess you need to share and you need to talk and find out just see what is it? How can I ask him you know, I really I see that you're having a really long day. And I really feel bad I want to I want to make you feel more relaxed. I want you to feel appreciated. Why can I do to make you feel appreciated, a guy will melt if he hears that if he realizes that his

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wife cares enough because most Why? Some some brothers tell me I come home my wife doesn't even look at me shouldn't even smile. It's like, you know, it's just this look, and maybe grumbling and maybe yelling. So if you're conscientious enough that you're taking those extra steps, just follow it up by asking some questions as well. So just like a lot of fare for tuning in to Ramadan remedies for your marriage, inshallah, we'll have our next session on Tuesday 4pm Central, please share with your family and friends like this and pass the pass it around and that more people benefit because this is you know, this is the time where we're all working on ourselves are all getting spiritually

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cleansed. So let's put all that positive energy into our marriage and remember, always have homelessness than think

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Well have a law and think well of your spouse just like a law head Salaam Alaikum.