Channel: Haleh Banani
Learn innovative and proven techniques to raise your kids effectively and make them emotionally intelligent from Haleh Banani whom has 20 years of experience.
In this talk Haleh explains 4 different parenting styles.
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Okay, Salam aleikum. Welcome back to the parenting series shala, we're gonna get started a lot off menorah, hemos Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah. Today we're going to talk about the four types of parenting styles. Okay, so up until now, before I get into this up until now, we've talked about how important it is to, to work on yourself, right as an individual, to work on your marriage on how to have a very loving harmonious relationship at home. Because no matter how much you try to raise good kids, if you have a hostile environment at home, if there's tension, there's fighting, there's issues, those definitely need to be addressed. And if you yourself are not emotionally balanced, if
you yourself, are not able to handle the difficulties of life, the ups and downs, if you're not reacting in the right way, guess what, your kids are going to have the same kind of reactions they're going to learn. So first of all, we always have to work on ourselves and on our relationship, prior to even thinking of the parenting, so don't let it go. So now, it's, you know, they've done a lot of research on how
the, you know, the emotional intelligence is even more important than IQ a lot of times and I think, in, in our countries, all the emphasis is on academics, right? We want our kids to be smart, we want them to get A's, we want them to become doctors, it's all about get the grade, do the work and the feel like that is making them successful. But now the new research, there's a lot of a lot of research done by especially like the gardens that it is about your emotional intelligence, right. So you can have someone with a very high IQ, and they're antisocial. Right, they will be in a you know, they can be a CEO of a company. And they don't know how to deal with their co workers. They don't
know how to resolve conflict, they don't handle criticism, they are not able to, they're not able to resolve issues as they come up. And those are the individuals that are getting fired, they're getting bad reports, and they have problems in their marital relationship, they have problems with every relationship, right? So there's now a move towards improving the emotional intelligence making sure that our kids are learning how to deal with the ups and downs of life, because that's what's going to determine who is successful and who is not. So your IQ could be average, you could have an average, you know, GPA, but yet be much more successful than these individuals who were like it was
scoring perfect scores on their LSAT and have like 4.0 averages, because they know how to interact with people, they know how to
resolve their issues. And this is what actually went now in the job applications when you're applying for a job. They're not only just looking at your aptitude, but they are testing they're doing personality tests, to see who's going to be the one who can get along with others. Well, who is the one who has the ability to ease through any kind of difficulties, because it's very easy to be happy and content, right? when everything goes your way, when everyone listens to this what I was trying to teach my daughter as a legend, as I teach her, you know, it was the night after the after our E right? And she's so happy and she's kissing me and she's like, so content I go, you know, I'm
so happy that you're content, I'm so happy.
But it's easy to be happy and content. When you got pretty much everything you wanna we had a beautiful day, you got to give to honor you got the outfit you wanted all of that. The test is being able to be happy when things don't go your way. When you didn't get that that you didn't get the you know the gifts you want in maybe someone you didn't end up going to the place that you were hoping to go to. Then if you can be happy and grateful and kiss your mom and say thank you. That will be that will be amazing. So that's what I'm striving for. And, and we have to remind ourselves because also we might have these kind of expectations that we feel if you know if my husband does everything
that I said
Kids, listen to me if there's no disturbance, if there's no mess in the house, if this, this, this and this, then I'm going to be a pleasant, charming lady. But if not be aware,
you know, be aware, because then it's not going to be pretty. And I think that's what we're trying to teach our kids from early on. Because unfortunately, I think most of us have not had that kind of training. Most of us have not had parents who handled difficulties with ease, who knew how to navigate through all of the stormy waters, you see, people losing it, you see people yelling and screaming, and, and being judgmental, I actually had a client who has a very important position in their company. And she said, You know, it's really hard.
Because it's very hard for me to teach other people and it really, when, when I'm teaching them, I feel that they're really stupid.
Stupid, I can not understand that I like and so sometimes they write, you know, they have to give a report and kind of analysis of the person and they say, some people will write that, Oh, she made us feel stupid, right? And these kind of things are not good, right? If we don't, if we're not able to give this message, if we're not able to share in a positive light, then we're not going to be effective. Okay? So all of this that I'm telling you is not just for the parenting, it's, it's about how we deal with everyone, right? So this emotional intelligence is what we're going to be focusing on in sha Allah.
Now, Allah says in the Quran asserts molcajete number two, I love the harlot Allah azza wa jal hyah. Talia Balu I come I Yocum. sanowara mala wahoo, Allah z is a local food, it is he who created death and life to the blue icon to test you, right? To test you to see why. To see which one of you is the best. Right? And he is exalted. And most forgiving. So all of this all that we are going through is a test.
This is sort of more look, sort of more Look, I a number two. Okay. And so all that we're going through in our parenting, all that you're going through, and I and our focus is parenting, right, all that you're being faced with is a test right? It is a test to see who's going to be the best. Now, if there was a cook off,
and you have to prepare your best what video Johnny?
Right, how enthusiastic Are you going to be to get you know, your grandma's recipe, and you're gonna like make the best effort. So you're going to be named, you know, biryani, Queen,
the biryani Queen, and for the herbs out there, you know, if you have who is who makes the best way to line up, right? The grape leaves, and people will just put so much time and effort and energy because they want to be the best is very natural. And eco it's very natural for us to want to Excel to want to be the best I remember, in my kids school, they have sports day. And on sports day, they included the the parents as well. And I remember as as moms, we became so competitive, you know, I myself like we were doing ping pong. So I was like, getting really into it. And I was like all excited being named, you know, as the ping pong champion. Yeah, and it's just, you know, silly
things that we get. Either we feel proud about it, or we're excited about it, and we exert our effort. Now, imagine, this is such a huge test, right? And this to see who's the best is so much more important than any cookoff than any athletic competition. This is seeing, like who's going to be the best parent who is going to be exalted by a law, right? And then what's the end result? The end result is not just some certificate, it's not some, you know, cheap metal, right? It's not just having your name written down in the newsletter. It's about a status that will give you this like this continuous charity, right? We get a continuous charity when we invest our time, our effort, our
energy into our kids. It is it is the ultimate sativa Giardia and that's why so many
So many moms. And so many dads dedicate their time and attention. So many moms give up going and building a career and doing so many things because they want to focus their time and attention. And this is, this is really an ultimate sacrifice. And it's an it's a wonderful thing. And as my kids were growing up, it was definitely an hamdallah priority. It was always there was by my center of attention. And anytime I was doing anything was always revolved around their naptime. What after they slept, and when you do that, you see the results later on, you know, when people are struggling with in the teenage years, right? You ask what was going on, during the childhood, right? I had, I
was giving a lecture once and one lady came up to me and she's like, she's just crying is like, my, my daughter is, you know, disrespectful. She is rude to me, she talks back, she does all these terrible things. And, you know, she, she just she wanted sympathy. But I had to ask a very critical questions like, what was what were you doing with her, when she was about five or six, like, I didn't have time for a time she came up to me, anytime she wanted my attention, I didn't have time for you, you know, and when, when a person is consistently neglected, consents to consistently told you're not important, I don't have time for you, you know, stay away, get away, leave me alone,
you're driving me nuts, you're, you know, you're, you're the cause of my problems. Guess what's going to happen as they get older, as they get older, then that's gonna, that's gonna build up and they're going to be full of resentment, and they're going to like tear away, right. And so, when we make this kind of investment, first of all, for those of you, you know, who are tuning in, I'm sure most of you are, stay at home moms. And I just want to say that I know, it's the toughest job is so hard, there are times that you'll just break down and cry, because it's overwhelming. There are times when you feel like you know, my God, how can I can I carry on, you have the the struggle of
keeping the house together, you know, taking care of the kids and and it's, you know, it really builds up. So first of all, I want to honor all of you who are doing that, and, and know that it's a long term investment, you know, when you put in your money, and they say, you know, this is, this is one of those long term, you're not going to get rich quick.
If you put it in and you're patient, and you put that money, and then like after 3040 years, then you have built like wealth, real wealth, right? And it's it's not risky, because you know, there's like this guarantee, inshallah. And so when you are investing that time, the effort, the energy, the patience, all this, that you the fact that you want to even learn about being a good parent sets you apart from the 99.9% of the field, because a lot of people have this feeling that oh, I I already know, this, I don't need to learn. I remember someone had recently,
you know, she was pregnant. And I and I with a lot of enthusiasm. Because I know when I was pregnant, I was reading every book that I could get ahold of I would I attended like eight classes, just to know how to take care of my baby, because I didn't want to just rely on my mom, a lot of times, you have a baby and you're like mom,
here, and then you know, you feel inadequate, or you feel incompetent, I didn't want I want it to be competent. And so I went to this sister and I said, Would you like me to recommend, you know, some books for you to read? No, no, no, I already know this stuff. Like, Oh, wow.
Wow. You know, for someone to just refuse to want to learn new material, that that means, you know, we're not we don't have that motivation, but the fact that you're taking the effort, I think it's wonderful. Mashallah, so, we're being tested, and we're gonna see how we can pass this test. I'm going to talk to you about the four different kinds of parenting styles. The first one is that this missing parent, okay? And this is based on like, like I said, the research done by the guardians on like, an on emotional, emotional, emotionally healthy kids, and dismissive parents. This is when they treat their kids as being they're unimportant. Okay. They feel that, you know, whatever your
feeling is, is trivial. They, they kind of ignore if the child is asking for their attention if they're trying to talk to them, and they just kind of dismiss them. I don't have
I think a lot of maybe the generation our parents are from, I think they a lot of a lot of the parents fall into this category. Right? that kids are a side issue. And not so important issue, right? We know the kids are to be seen not heard that myth is kind of that mentality, right? And, and then they want to see negative emotions disappear quickly, you have Yaba,
you're sad, you're crying? You're angry? Suck it up, right? Get over it. Not. And there's no direction about how, right because I remember there were some there was these shows, I used to love watching Oprah because it was all about self improvement, making changes in yourself. And and there was one episode where a lot was being discussed about that kind of like, get a gaining, gaining control over yourself and how you react. And this one, one lady just looked up with such you know, big confused eyes, but like how, right? That's the big question, how do you do it because everyone can talk? series. It's so easy. I remember before having kids, I would do parenting classes. And I
had a totally different outlook.
I would do that. Because it was from what I learned in the books, right? I didn't have I didn't have the kids, I didn't have the struggles. And there were moms in the audience who had two, three kids, some of them were like, you know, in their teenage years, some of them were having sibling rivalry, I couldn't relate to any of that, because I hadn't experienced it. And that that goes a lot into, it's so important to have the experience to, to go through these issues, not just in the books, you can't just read a book and then start talking about it, you have to live it, you have to experience the struggles to be able to relate. And then I changed so much about my style and my technique,
because I then I could really relate to the moms who are, you know, who are struggling. So the dismissive parent,
they see their child emotion as a demand to fix things. So when the child is crying or getting angry, they just feel like they're being demanding. And they just want to shut them down. Right? It's like, just stop the cry, stop the anger. And they just feel that with time, things should get better, right? And they minimize the child's feeling. And they downplay any event that occurs. So that's, that's their outlook. And there is no problem solving. There is not like, Okay, I understand you're feeling angry because you didn't get to go to your friends. But let me tell you, and let me explain why this happened. And there's no validation, right? It's just about time will make you feel
better. Okay, with enough time you're gonna forget, and things are gonna be okay. So how many of you experience that kind of parenting? Seriously? You're not on video? Almost everybody. Almost everybody here had that dismissive. Be quiet, don't talk, don't show emotion. Go sit down, be quiet and be obedient. Right? So that's not what is what is the effect of the style, okay, now you're gonna, you're gonna understand a lot about yourself. Because this is how you know how you were raised, right? So they learned that their feelings are wrong. So it's wrong to have feelings. It's inappropriate. It's not valid. Right? I remember when I was doing,
you know, I was doing my master's program, and in the master's program is all about how to express yourself. I think we've gone through, you know, like, express your emotions without it being an attack. So I tried it out with my dad, because my family were the first people I try it out with. So I told my dad, I feel you know, I made it. I stay married and make an attack that you never do. I said, I feel like let's say, I'm sad. When you don't spend time with me. It's like, you're wrong to feel that way. You're not supposed to say that. My instructor said that your feelings will never be questioned and it won't be invalidated. You're not following the script guy.
So it would be so funny because that was their mentality. No, no, no. If you feel this way, you're wrong. Okay, I didn't, I didn't want you to feel sad. So you must be wrong. So this kind of then said, You're constantly then feeling that there's something wrong with the emotions that you're having. That's why people have such a hard time when they get married, discussing problems trying to resolve it because they were never
ever made to feel that their emotions are valid. So this is this is what happened. So they and then also they're gonna have problems regulating their own emotions because they just weren't taught it was basically be quiet stop crying, but how how do I stop crying when like my heart is broken? Because I didn't make the team? How do I stop crying when let's say that the engagement has been called off and I'm devastated? How do I stop crying when my best friend has like started a rumor about me, right?
It's just, it's just like I don't want to hear it. It's basically that what the parents are saying, Now, then they're so that was what kind of parenting, they're dismissing, they just dismiss whatever your say. The second is the disapproving, okay, disapproving parent. And this actually has a lot of the same behavior as the dismissing parents some of the same behaviors, but it's much more negative. It's much more negative. So here, we have their disapproving so it's full of judgment, criticism, there is. Now many of you may saying no, no, no, my parents were this.
Right? So they criticize the emotional expression. So if your child is, is yelling or screaming, you're just like, Oh, you're so you know, you're you're so out of control. You, you're driving me nuts, what's wrong with you get it together. So it's more of it's all criticism, right? And emphasize it. It's and it all is about conformity to good behavior, right? It's about when someone says, and you know, with with the Arab sang a, this is a this is very bad, be good, right? And this is where the whole people pleasing. I mean, I know I was a people pleaser, because though everything was about what the people say, dress nice for the people get good grades for the people. Everything
was about the people, right? And then it took a lot. I think it was basically my first few years in college when, as I started learning about Islam and trying to implement it, where I thought you really have to do away with the people, right? When you're caught your whole focus is about pleasing the people, then, you know, where does Allah fit into the equation? We really have to replace what people think with what Allah fix, right? I had one client who says, I'm always going around thinking, What will my mom thing and her mom unfortunately, is a is a negative influence in her life, her mom doesn't have good relationship doesn't give good advice. So it's actually it's not
someone that she could rely on for for advice. And so I said, Why? In those situations, why not ask? What will Allah think of me? By? What would Allah want me to do? When I am about to get into a fight with?
Where if I'm about to get into a fight with my spouse? What will my what would Allah want me to do when I'm about to lose it? And I'm about to get angry from my kids, right? How would you How would things change? If you replace the people or my mom or my husband with? What will Allah thing? How will that change things? You think?
It's just loud if you don't mind? Or if you have that your condition was not that people. Oh, it kicked in. Okay, good. Thank you having fannish
All right. So how do you think that would change things around when you have your whole focus is about pleasing Allah? How would that affect your relationships? What do you think?
write, so your anger will subside? Because you're no longer just thinking about people. You're thinking, Oh, my God like this. This is my status with a law. Right? Because the people first of all, they may have really different morals, right? They may they may be unethical themselves. So who cares what they think. And and then you run after people. And this is the example I gave her. I go, how hard Have you tried? How hard Have you tried to please your mom hasn't been successful. She's like, she's never satisfied, right? You may work so hard to please your spouse was so hard to please your parents, but they're never content. It's never enough. But when you do it with that intention
of I want to please Allah, what happens? I want to please Allah, and you know that every little effort is rewarded. Every little thing.
is acknowledged, every little is recorded, then you feel like every moment you feel joyous, because you're not waiting for that pat on the back. Because that bad on the back.
ain't gonna happen, right? It ain't happening. So when you're just relying on that appreciation from your kids, which may take till they're like 25, by, until that a deep appreciation comes when they're married, and they have kids. I remember, I was potty training my son, my firstborn son. And then I called up my mom. And I said, Mom, thank you. I never, I never thanked you for potty training me. And I'm so indebted to you. And I just, I never realize the struggle you go through. And sometimes you won't be appreciative until you're in that same situation. So this is like, talk about what is a delayed gratification, right? parenting is all about delayed gratification, you are
planting the seed you're doing so much, and and you may not see any of it, right. It's like when you're planting a bamboo tree, right? I, what I've read is that you plan to, and for five years, you don't see anything, you know, so imagine, plan says like, Hello,
water, and then it suddenly like shoots up like 80 feet, like, Oh, great, it shoots up. So sometimes parenting is like that, you may put so much effort into it. You may like you know, and you feel like it's just going in one year out when you're like I've been saying the same thing every morning, you know, so funny, like with my son, my younger son. You know, as you're eating simultaneous, you can multitask, take a bite and put on your shoes.
So, you know, we'll repeat this, you know, we're about cleaning your room, don't leave out until your beds made all these things. And we think when is it finally going to sink in right? Now these are the behavioral things, then there's those emotional things where you're like, you know, handle things with ease. And then that beautiful moment comes when someone from the outside will comment on your child's behavior. And that's why like I love parent teacher conferences, you know?
Because Mashallah, that if you're doing those things, if you're being consistent, finally someone recognizes, oh, wow, like I really, I saw that your your child was really attentive. Everyone was picking on this kid, and it was yours, your son who went and became his friend and stood up for him. Yeah, it's those moments where you feel like Okay, finally something something saying something thinking and they're finally applying what they're doing. Now. So as far as the the disapproving parent, okay, what they feel that emotions make a person very weak, they feel that emotions are making them way. And children have to be emotionally tough, right? I remember. And you see that
actually, in coaching, there are different kinds of coaching styles, too. I put my son, but he was about four years old, into martial arts, it was in America and it was like the best experience ever the coach was, can we keep?
The coach was so positive, all into positive reinforcement, he would give out sheets, and in that sheet, every little thing that my son did would get us, you know, would get stickers and stars. And he had stars across his, you know, chairs and across his boat. And he was so motivated to good any and any form he did. The coach was all about like, oh, wow, you're really good, you're really strong. And so he was thriving in that environment. Then we went to the Middle East, and I signed them up for soccer.
And it was a totally different approach. Totally different approach. I sat there and I would always sit throughout there, you know, the practices just to observe because I wanted to know, I've worked really hard on my kids, I don't want someone to undo or do something wrong with with them during that hour or so I would see that the coach would just chew out the kid was like totally, hey, I don't know what you're doing. Keep your eye on the ball, what's wrong with it, you know, and I said, Oh my god, I looked over to the other moms. I'm like, Oh my god, you see what they're doing? It's like it's good. It's making them strong, making them a man. And I said, I don't want that kind of
event. Right. And so I actually pulled them out. Although I paid for the whole year. I pulled them out. And I said I don't want my son's self esteem to be destroyed by this kind of like coaching style. So you see that? The same kind of like you know what we're talking about parenting style, sometimes you see it with coaches, sometimes you see it with like employers where they might have these kinds of styles so you can see it in you know in so many different areas.
So what happens is that with these with this kind of parenting is that they believe that like negative emotions are unproductive, like, it's a bad thing. And it's, you know, you just got to shut it down. Now, what are the effects? So how many of you now feel that you had disapproving parents?
do you have?
Has that so you were in a joint system, joint family system, and you had other family members who are disapproving. It's very tough, you know, because what happens is that most people are not open and receptive to hearing comments from others, even if you're an expert, they don't want to hear it. Right. It would be it'll be so interesting, because sometimes I'll be sitting, you know, I would be sitting amongst moms who are struggling in their, you know, in their daily things. And, and, and, you know, yet it never occurred to them to like to just ask what would be the most effective thing, because each person feels that their problem is unique, and they're doing the best they can. So
that's a little bit challenging. Maybe we'll address that at the end on how to deal with other people's parenting styles. But here's the effect the effect of children. It's basically the same as the disapproving same thing that people will feel like, Oh, my, my feelings are not important. They don't feel validated. They're going to not be able to handle their own emotions. Okay. Now, we have also the third parenting style is, is the laws a fair?
Oh, I'm sorry. Are they people downstairs? I'm sorry. salaam aleikum. I didn't realize that people were downstairs because we had the moms up here with the kids.