Haleh Banani – Huda Tonight hosting Ali Ardekani

Haleh Banani
AI: Summary © The speakers discuss the psychology of humor and how it impacts our lives. They share their experiences of wanting to do a comedy set at an event and how they use their experience to educate others about their marriage programs. They also discuss the importance of finding the right person for a wedding, the selection process for a large event, and the importance of finding the most flexible and experiences person in a given area. They emphasize the need for privacy and finding a compatible partner for a woman to make a marriage.
AI: Transcript ©
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Salam aleikum. I'm Hala Banani Welcome to inspirations with Hala Banani on Hooda tonight Bismillah wa Salatu was Salam ala Rasulillah. Our guest today Ali are the Connie also known as Baba Ali believes that humor is a powerful emotion, and using it is indeed an art form. He was named the years most promising Muslim personality, taking a light hearted approach toward Muslim based entertainment. His videos have been broadcast to millions of people all over the world, and his work has been covered by New York Times. USA Today. And the BBC. His latest project half our deen has helped 1000s of Muslims find their other half. Why does he call himself an accidental comedian? And

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what's his secret and helping so many people find their match? And what is his secret sauce? All these questions will be answered in this episode of inspirations but first, let's talk about the psychology of humor and how it impacts our lives. Humor is seen as a superpower and a character string. It can cheer people up, break the ice and awkward situations and buffer stress. It's considered the best medicine for all the feel good endorphins that are released in our brain and the immediate affinity we have for people who make us laugh. Aside from making us feel good comedy has a way of getting us to view very serious topics without our usual defenses. Through jokes and laughter

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We can see the absurdity of certain taboo subjects, intelligent comedians like our guests Baba and er that Connie use comedy. Use comedy to reflect and inspire mashallah Tabata Kala, for those of you who may not know me, I'm a faith based counselor with over 25 years experience helping 1000s of Muslims all over the world. And I'm the founder of the mindful Hearts Academy, which is my mentorship program, helping women to be their absolute best. I'm really excited to have our special guest today. Baba Ali are the Connie, welcome. Thank you very much for coming. And I'm excited to be here looking forward to this. Why Lagos Salam wa Rahmatullah Great to have you mashallah, you know,

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why is it that you're called an accidental comedian? I've heard you say that about yourself. And I'm just curious why you say it. Yeah. I actually, I was never planned to be a comedian. I am the only Muslim coming in that you'll probably meet in your life. That doesn't really like stand up comedy.

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So you you never planned on being a comedian? No. And so how did it all happen? I made some videos on YouTube that became quite popular, the first Muslim YouTuber, and the videos got about 20 million views. And my motto Hamdulillah. And so because of the popularity, people asked me to come and speak live, I have H right. So I have YouTube situation and by myself and everyone.

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But if I hundreds of people, I could No, no, I can't every single time somebody would invite me. I will say no, I'm sorry. I can't. And then finally, those sister from Northern California, that would not take no for an answer. Somehow, some way she convinced me to go and speak at her event. Now, I was not doing comedy. I was only there to give a speech about being a YouTuber on YouTube. So I went there. I was so nervous. I didn't know what to say if I put all my notes on the card. Okay. And I was reading him like that. And my eyes were like, No, I remember I was so nervous. My head. Sorry.

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this is

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okay, my hands are shaking so much that actually I remember very clearly I couldn't read the word. So I won't fly. I'm like, This is a disaster. I actually took my card and I threw it. And when I threw my card, the entire room just burst with laughter. And I'm like, what was that? So I

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kept laughing Okay. Ah,

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that's how

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you became an accident.

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I spilled a cup of stage

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I'd rather not talk to me and say, Can you do that same comedy set at our event? No. Oh, that's a comedy.

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so they thought that was part of your act that being nervous and

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throwing the cards and acting silly, and that was just me being very nervous. So since that day, you'd have a big vote today. 2022. I've done about 400 shows, as I don't have a manager, regular guys talking, like we're talking now I saw my son like, well, so you took a situation where it was very awkward, very strange, but you just embraced it. And that's incredible. And you know, you use comedy as a way of, of educating people. Right. And it's an it's a great, it's very effective because it's like edutainment and and we made a program together with it. premarital program laugh and learn and that was very entertaining. I would give the marriage tips and you you made it so

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Yes, masha Allah. And you know what I what I see is that people when they're getting married, they're so focused on the on the wedding day, right? The venue, the dress the flowers, and very few people actually even think about the marriage. So how important is it for someone to, to go through a program to learn about having a good marriage, yet, I've got people that you spend more money on that

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they do on the marriage program, and they have two people look at you, it doesn't have to be to complain about anything. It

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helped me stay together forever, at some level, having a premarital program or having a course like yourself, and having that mentorship of learning for people who are successfully married. That priceless. I mean, we focus on the flowers and AQSIQ and all this other stuff, but the one be willing to read through the marriage. That's the way the winds did a few hours. But exactly, yeah, and everyone's gonna critique it, everyone's gonna have opinion. And then it's just the two of you.

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Right? And we don't focus on that, unfortunately. And I don't think we value it. Like, if you ask anyone, what is the Reagan word? Or what is the dress, wear a wedding dress, or whatever the flower that a week worth to get there, of course, $1,000 of here, 1000s of dollars of here. But the most important piece, which we should value the most is the connection between the husband and wife. Because all these women means absolutely nothing. If we can connect it Yeah. And I've known people I had a friend that took her a whole year to plan this like, ideal wedding. And it was it was spectacular. Mashallah. But it took her longer to prepare for the wedding, then then they lost it.

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Sadly, and when the marriage did not last a year, and it's like, you know, that we got to really refocused. And, you know, I find that a lot of people struggle in finding the right person, right. So, you know, there are lots of Muslims out there. And you know, the events are usually segregated, Islamic events are segregated and people want to go about it in a correct Islamically correct way. And communities they feel like it's limited. So you came up with a great solution. You have like one of the lead, matrimonial websites mashallah called half our deen I love how you always have a shirt. Yeah, how

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are you I always I always have it up and 100 left that we started the website of filing a year later we started doing live event. So we can actually help people in person me as you said when we go to events are segregated because of course they're not designed for people who are looking to get married those are just normal Islamic event. So we want to do something within the Hello boundary is to do a thing successfully. And different. So we we do things a humbler completely different than every other matrimonial event organizer so we don't do any speed dating or anything like that. are lots of it. By the way we had 83% of our attendees find the match. Ma sha Allah that is incredible.

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Yeah, tell us what makes it so unique. What do you do at these live events? That makes it you know, so entertaining and so, so successful? MashAllah hamdullah we do the different the typical speed dating events basically, is an interview process where you only have three minutes to decide who you want for the rest of your life with.

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The person just don't Hey, would you have been able to pick your wife within three minutes? If you spoke to 43 and you have two hour window to go go go go and say give a musical chair. Don't write. I don't know why we took it from non Muslims as far as dating they even know it's for dating and identity the temporary relationship

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If you asked any normal person, would you choose to get married, but they never. So for? Why would we use it to get married? I have no idea. So what? What sends us this Muslims actually use this kind of speed dating the every Muslim organization that had come back from the US, Canada and the UK use this mic it religiously, like if they don't break away from it like it's tuna or something, and it has absolutely nothing to do

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nothing to do with the smell. So what I tried to do is I took any creative system to be an alternative to this. So that what we do differently is, first of all, we have a balance of men and women. We have a training process where 100 like our last event, the one that's happening this weekend, over 300 people have applied, but we've only we've only selected 80. So only a fraction, what is the selection process? That's a great question. So what happens typically at another at a typical speed dating event, what they do is they pay as long as you have money, we have a seat for you. We don't care about that we have more priority over money, what we say is, we want to make sure

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there's compatibility. So like one of the questions we may have, well as all the sisters, what is the oldest age you'll consider for marriage. So 7027, what the 35, what's it's 42 wants to 39 after we get the consensus of a one side, we will look at all the people from the other side. And if anyone's above the consensus, like the maximum age was 42, I just mentioned, if it was 45 applied for that event, he won't get it.

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The following day, we may have about the Confessor maybe higher maybe for a felon, and that 45 doesn't get in so therefore, you're only likely to get well you're only going to be accepted to this event if we think you possibly can get a match. And that's why our match percentage is 83%. I mean unheard of anywhere in the world. In fact, no.

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Masha, Allah is incredible. Yeah. So you determine what the upper limit lower limits are, you choose, according to that to increase the success rate of people finding their matches. Okay, that's incredible. The next step in with this, we don't do any speed dating, what we have to do, a lot of people, they get married normally, and they say divorce people, they say, Well, I didn't know my husband was like this, when we were speaking to give you all the things I want to hear. And right after I got married, I realized fall I didn't know about this, I didn't know about this type of personality. And so that the q&a part of it is not sufficient. This is why like having a wildly is

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so important. Have a

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sneaky to this person doesn't have like googly eyes and just falling in love with the guy. But he seen him through a man versus man. So I could we need to do something. Instead of doing the typical q&a, let's do something that showed people's personality. So every single activity that we do is designed to bring out people's personality, we have activity where everyone's going to cooperatively do you have to do teamwork to work together? We have competitive competitive one. So you can see how people act in a competitive situation. We have the choice. So like, for example, in a competitive situation, some people are dominant. Some people are very, they don't like

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that people don't like to move. Some people

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are the last the best two people were cheating. So

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this is a side of people you would not be that people comfortable topic, the gender, then people did they forget that there are matrimonial in the heat of the moment, there's so much into winning, they forget they're being interviewed.

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And that and that's the key. That's the key. Because I always tell the people who you know, they come in, let's say they want advice about getting married. I said it's very easy to be your best when you're sitting in the living room with the parents right there. And you can just be on your best behavior, right, but it's in and I always advise them get into situations where you see their real side. And I love how you create these activities, where you can see the personality shine through. And like you said, they forget, they forget they're being interviewed, interviewed. So the true side comes out. Yeah, I'll give you one example of an activity that we do. That is a more of a

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deeper activity. We call it the great compromise. What we do it we give you 20 Really, really negative word, word like heartless, selfish, people who are unfair people who are arrogant, and I give you all these very, very negative characteristics, someone who's always late, someone who is a loser, somebody who's like just like that, Oh, you look out of focus, or going troublemaker. You've got all these negative words. I asked him seven worst words. We asked every single person at the table to choose the seven worst words they do. Then I

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Then feature seven word that you can tolerate. If your husband or wife happened to have it, you wouldn't want it. But I don't get a divorce if my husband is out of pockets, or sometimes he's annoying, or my leg is very emotional, I'm not going to divorce her, but I don't prefer it, but I would live with it. I think you choose your seventh and the edge and you choose with seven you can't tolerate and seven you can, then you share the results with everybody at your table. And then you have a discussion. Now, you've been because I tell people if you want to get married, find someone you're attracted to. But if you want to stay married, by someone you can tolerate someone that can

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tolerate you, right? Well, I love that you apply a lot of psychology because it is very critical. That it's not I mean, attraction is definitely very important. It's an essential part of it. But you know, to have it last and for it to be sustainable. There are things that you know, you need to stay with, I always say there's like I came up with a three and three rule, were three things you can't live without, right. These are the things like if you don't have it in your life, you're just going to be unhappy. And three things you can't live with, right. So if you see this in any brother or sister, you run in the opposite direction. So you know, it's just because people have squirrels have

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like 9999 things that they want in their spouse. And it's like, it's good to narrow it down. And I liked that you're saying, find what you can tolerate, versus like things you cannot stack. Tell us about the website and what makes it unique, because I know you have, I think there's certain psychology that you apply certain personality test as well. So by way at the event, each person there, you can actually click on their picture and launch to the half arguing website. And immediately within one second, you can see your compatibility percentage,

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then it breaks it down on this, how did it come up with the percentage it looks at your personality, it looks at what you're attracted to, and looked at what your tolerance level, it's to their personality type, that it does the exact same thing from the opposite. It looked at what 158 marriage questions you both have answered, It shows you where you asked her to stay where you answered differently. And it breaks it down from every category from religious views to finances, to the way you want to read children to the relationship you have with your parent to like even like most things like traveling or lifestyle, because sometimes people don't talk about these things, and

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then wasting a lot of time, and just to get the fork in the road and realize, Oh, I thought I was gonna do something your parents were open for you to marry someone outside of your ethnicity. I have a three by three.

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What Right, right. You know, I mean, a lot of people, they waste a lot of time with people that are not compatible. And then it just has a priority than interest priorities. I think that's one thing, I get people 10 words that are gender neutral, which means it's not like attraction or success. But it's more like like, people good matter, meet time, right? All of the things that people find important, similar views, the thing culture, and then I asked you to prioritize it from the most important to least important. And then every single person on the website, where their priorities are with what your priorities are. So for example, desire for children, for a sister may be number

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two, for one, sister, not every sister, right? Well, for another brother that she's looking and profile, he's number nine on on desire for children, this kind of this, we can direct them to know what to talk about when we are family. They're communicating, because you are obviously very different ideas of what you want versus what they want. But these discussions may not come up in like a typical conversation if you just met someone on the swiping up, and I don't want people to wait. Yeah, right. Well, it's so critical, because if people do their homework, and I mean, you've helped them to do this, they can see exactly where this person stands, what their priorities are,

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what their life visions, because when I have like the marriage counseling that someone comes in, and it's after 15 years of frustration, and they will say oh my gosh, we you know, we have totally different like parenting styles, or we we have totally different personalities. And, and it causes a lot of tension and problems. And usually the list is okay, you know, is he from this country? Oh, he's Palestinian, and a doctor, we've got a match, right? And you see that it's just it takes so much more than just ethnicity and they pray and they happen to be you know, in the profession you're looking for Yeah, because it's better call being passing or Pakistani or whatever country you're

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from. It does not help you perfectly through the thing culture or you both see profession. How are you going to be the accomplished

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Every disagreement, right every as you know, every husband wife will have disagreement will not see eye to eye, they will have conflict. And all these things we thought was very important, our checklist, hip height, or weight and all these things, none of those things are gonna help you when it comes to resolving conflict. And absolutely right, those who value tools to help you have characteristics that help you resolve conflict are the ones who are more likely to have successful marriages. So but unfortunately, we don't, we don't talk about that very much. And when we do our events and things of that nature, we bring these things up. Funny, you brought the three things you

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mentioned that the wreck by way of meeting activity, three things that you can't live without, would you do, we had an activity called a give and take where I gave a wish list of all the things that typical sisters want, and a wish the brother, the one and a half you, I will give you all of it under one condition, what's the condition, you have to compromise three of them. And if people look at the list, and they look at you didn't look at the list and look at you like I want. I want to know who's taller than me. I want to have to be financially stable. I want to have who had like with this year, who's generous, or you have no husband has everything, but no Wi Fi everything. But

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choose which one you'll compromise it for the first time. I know, as a married person might my single first say, Oh, let me know if you know somebody. They have a wish list when you ask them, but they're never asked to compromise.

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Now asking you to compromise and really clearly people right in front of they get stuck because they never been asked this question before.

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we also feel like anyone who's compromised? Absolutely, you have to you really have to, you know, people have this like this image, unrealistic image in their mind. And sometimes that's why some people don't get married, because they're just, they want someone with all of those traits. And I think it's important to be able to compromise to be able to, you know, be tolerant of each other. So mashallah, how can people sign up? Like, how do they go about becoming a part of this? What is what is the criteria? Well, I prefer people I love Constable philcare, I go join your website. And if you're from depending what part of the world you are, majority of our members are from the US,

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Canada, and some are about 10% from UK, so I want to be transparent with them. I don't want people to join my website and not be successful. So I would only like to be transparent with everyone who worked with us. And I honestly think one of the best ways to me is to be part of like, come to a live event and see people because the thing that we don't value unfortunately, in today's generation, when we were young looking to get married in our generation, you even had hundreds of people to choose from you had you quality people to choose something to someone your family know that somebody who you meet through school or something. Is that be like five, four or five good

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candidates Mac today, right? Give the views it like Netflix you have millions to choose from and nothing good quality.

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Yes. I don't know 4 million to choose from I haven't.

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Lost, right, I need someone who's filtered the people down to like 2030 people. And there's an event that's structured, that we're not doing good. And we're just actually there. We have activities that allow us to learn about each other. And then I can crop on each person. Once the I had developed mentioned, and maybe this is something that other people who are listening to can value as well. It's one thing I think we don't cater too much for the sisters. Unfortunately, we do. But I don't think the like the apps are designed for men. Because a sister would never divine an application for marriage for that everyone's reduced out to their picture their age in the first name. Right? Right.

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What Every teacher you speak to, they want details. They would never marry a bad joke because we Japan, we don't know anything else about them. No, you have to be ambitious. You have to be a good leader, you have to be generous has to be sincere, or all these other things that you care about, right? So women if they need more details, and specifically when it comes to an event, they need to also feel safe. And how do they do that if I asked you I'm interested somebody I don't want to be embarrassed if it's not mutual. So what are the tools we have is that we allow people to show interest without any notification. So when I if I find someone at the event that wants to learn more

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about afterwards, I will click on the button and they receive on my social media they receive no notification. If they click on me there's no notification. So it's it's mutual. There's no notification until midnight. When they all go home. They both will find out only if it was mutual. They will find out

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if it's insured insured to their brother that she knows them and looking community and she's not sure if he's interested. There's no awkward situation.

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where he finds out later right? I see So only if it's mutual mutual Well, it's very very clever Ma sha Allah. I think it's excellent inshallah any of you who are tuning in who are looking for your other half inshallah you can go to half our deen and what would be your parting words for having having a successful marriage and making it last one the thing that I've learned in marriage is like you have to learn how your wife think and tried to understand things to her angle A lot of us when we're growing up we only see things to our land well if I if I know man and this is what I like and did what I did that the way we should think about think about football club has designed it

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differently, has dealt with differently we handle stress differently we look at the world differently. So it's not trying to force her to become like you or force her to force me to become like her but rather it's something you're frustrated with are different than celebrate the differences are lots of pop up made each other to balance each other out. So I guess this is what makes a marriage if we've looked at it that way we can make this amazing and if I make my wife feel like a woman and she makes me feel like a man allowing a man to feel like a man be a man and let her feel like a woman if you can make marriage become so much more successful and

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absolutely and one of the things I say I say you know the Golden Rule Do you know what the golden rule is Bob I know fleet told me I get the golden rule is do on to others what you would have done to yourself you know what I say? I say it does not apply in marriage.

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You know why? Because my wife is not a man

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we're different, different. When my wife she needs to talk it out that she needs listening someone listening to her right right? Oftentimes a man sets out some price he needs to be left alone. And so if a man wants with his if he thinks that way of just doing well for myself, if I see my wife cry, okay, I'll see you later.

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An example I always use because most men want to be left alone when they're crying. Yeah, and women majority I would say a good 85 90% want comfort when you're crying? There's that you know the exception. So yeah, if you do what you want, but not what your spouse wants, you're you're never going to make them happy. So inshallah we can have the maturity and the compassion to emulate the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam marriages May Allah reward you just like Allah Hayden for coming today and for doing such a wonderful job I know so many people out there who have found their match many

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many people in the community that they have found their match through your website so may Allah reward you it's just like a love hate on for everything you do and much love for all those who don't have any money. My says you have no idea I've known her for many many years and her husband and her work, fight quits. If you're not part of her program, make sure you guys joined because I keep our benefits including by the way my wife I was just mentioning before we get into today, how well my wife loves your work.

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Just like a lock in and thank you so much and you're one of the most pleasant people my husband and I have worked with you're always You're so easy, pleasant and positive May Allah reward you and your wife and inshallah we see you in Dallas sometime soon.

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Does like a lot Hayden. We will take a short break and we'll we'll be right back.

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Jobs are impacted, marriages are impacted, children are impacted communities are impacted. You have to want to know how to deal with the changes. You have to be eager to meet some successful Muslim you can't live in this world and not be mindful of your purpose. I think we can all use some inspiration.

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I'm your sister Paula Banani trailblazers, changemakers community builders, we will meet the men and women who have left an impact on our Muslim society, the role models the activist and the modern day heroes. This is a show where you'll meet some really interesting people, psychologists, athletes, artists and entrepreneurs, successful Muslims that are being themselves and having insightful conversation. If ever there was a time that we need faith and motivation from real people in real situations. It's now join me live every Sunday 4pm Central midnight Mecca time on Hooda TV Oh

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Welcome back to inspirations. This is your host, Hala Banani, we had a lively discussion with Baba Ali or the Connie about the importance of choosing your spouse based on compatibility, your personality, life vision, and your spiritual connection and your spiritual commitment. These are the things that will make your relationship last make sure that when you are choosing, you're not just simply looking for who's from your country, what profession they have, and whether they pray or not, you will have to do better than that. When I have my clients come in, and they have been suffering, they've been living in misery sometimes for 1520 25 years, because they told me, We had no

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compatibility, that we have nothing in common. And yet, they still got married. For those of you who are out there who have not yet gotten married, make sure that you take the time to get to know your spouse and find out more about them, and see them in natural instances so that their true personalities come out. And we need to make sure that we educate ourselves, I know how exciting it is to plan a wedding, I know that that can be just was such a dream for so many people out there. As you plan for your wedding day. Picking the venue, the dress, the flowers, all of those exciting things. Make sure that you don't overlook educating yourself for the marriage, preparing yourself

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for the marriage by going through a program by learning conflict resolution, effective communication, because once the party is over, once the guests have gone, and you are going to be with your new spouse, and you're going to have to deal with life's ups and downs. And if you have the tools, if you know what pitfalls to avoid, you can have an amazing life together that will outshine even the wedding day. But for those who have only focused on the wedding, and have not prepared mentally, emotionally, spiritually, for their life together as a married couple, then they're going to face so many obstacles. So I pray that for those who are looking for their for

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their spouse, that they find someone that is completely compatible, and someone who will bring out the best in them and those who have been married for decades in sha Allah, that we can be our best and bring out the best in our spouse may Allah bless all of you just like hello Heron for tuning in. Thank you Baba Ali artha Connie for joining us today. Join us next week for another episode of inspiration salaam aleikum


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