How Families Can Get Through The Qurantine

Haleh Banani


Channel: Haleh Banani

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The speakers emphasize the importance of finding ways to stay connected and finding ways to be empathetic and cut down on demands and requests. They stress the need to manage expectations and avoid damaging behavior, as well as the importance of resetting expectations and learning to act positively. The speakers also emphasize the need to purify one's intentions and use it to avoid negative emotions. They stress the importance of acknowledging one's ego and not complaining about negative situations, as well as the need to act with gratitude and internalize change to thrive.

AI Generated Transcript ©

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Salam aleikum. This is Hala Banani Bismillah wa salatu salam ala Rasulillah. We have been globally grounded by Allah in order for us to face our problems and resolve our issues, issues, in our marriages, issues with our children, issues within ourselves and our spiritual issues. And if we don't face these issues, and if we don't resolve it, then this calamity may not lift anytime soon. You know, many people have been hiding from their problems running away from it, they have been either consumed with their work consumed with their friends, and always going out for entertainment. And now a lot of saying, You know what, now is the time to face the issues. And you don't have any

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form of distractions, you can, you know, you have no excuses, you can say that you are have a business trip, you don't have any events, you have no functions. It's really about just being together 24/7. And it's challenging, because I am getting calls and I'm getting messages on a daily basis. Frustrated couples, individuals telling me that they are on a brink of divorce, they cannot take it even those individuals who had pretty decent relationships are now completely annoyed at one another. They're telling me that they just can't take it anymore. They're teenagers are frustrated and bored. And there is, you know, lots of fighting over trivial things. So how are we going to do

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this, it is a difficult task. And it is a challenge to be at home for a change and spend this much time with with the people that you have really most likely neglected. Maybe you've oppressed them, maybe you've betrayed them. And now, there's just a lot of negative emotions. And now you have to face them. Now, Allah says,

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I have Saban so a raccoon aka go to

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our home lay your stand on? Does the people think that they will be left to say we believe and they will not be tried? So easy to say I'm a believer, I have a white heart. I'll fill up yet right. I am so committed to the deen. But now it's time to demonstrate it. Now we need to show it. This is not a time that someone can fake it right? You have to really search within and realize that we're being tested. And we need to see how we can pass this test. Now when it comes to

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when it comes to dealing with all the stuff we got to realize, what can we do to make the home environment more sane? What can we do to avoid the fights? What can we actually do to get along during this time. So my objective is going to be to share with you your bond and marriage, your bond and marriage and all relationships are actually influenced by your childhood attachments with your parents. I know it all goes back to the parents, we're not blaming the parents, we're just trying to explain and understand what actually happened. Okay. And it's about adjusting your expectation. If you don't have a flexible expectation, if you don't really, if you're not resilient, and if you

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don't adapt, and if you're not flexible, then this is all going to start falling apart really fast. And it's about how can positive illusion save your marriage. Okay, so most of us fall into three different categories of attachment. This is the attachment we had with our parents. So it's either anxious attachment, avoidant attachment or secure attachment, the anxious attachment, the way a person ends up is that they are very, very needy and demanding and they just want more and more they're very anxious about the relationship. They cannot feel secure because their parents somehow didn't make them feel secure. So they end up being extremely demanding and needy of the people

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around them not this is it's actually quite difficult to have a relationship with someone like that. Right, specially if they're paired up with someone who has avoidant attachment and avoidant attachment is basically a person who just wants space and freedom. They don't want to feel confined. They don't want anyone to take away their space. And so imagine if you have this anxious person who need is needed, give me more more and more. And it's paired up with someone who's like giving

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We space stay away. And then there is the secure attachment, the secure attachment. This is, of course, the ideal way where you can actually you're very comfortable with giving you're comfortable with receiving your balance, you can be you know, dependent at times you can be independent, there is no demand, and there is no longing for freedom. So this is, you know,

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it is it is easy, it is easy to be with someone like that. And so you need to realize that, again, what I said is, we're not here to blame the parents for the kind of attachments that we have. But it's very important to understand that and to find out what kind of attachment do I have? What kind of attachment does my spouse have? And why are we so why are we tense all the time? Why is it that let's say he's always pushing me away, and I'm always trying to get more time. And you can feel this actually, even with your children or with anybody, everyone has a certain attachment style. And once we understand that, then we become a bit more empathetic, and then we understand the situation. So

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if you have a tendency to be anxious, where you're very needy and demanding, then try to cut down on that try to be a little bit more understanding of the people around you maybe show a bit more empathy, and lower your demands and requests rather than demand. And if you are avoidant, if you have an avoidant avoidant attachment, then try your best to make time for your spouse. Right. Like right now, a lot of a lot of women will say that, you know, I need quality time like that is the number one thing a lot of women have asked for, right? I do want quality time. And now okay, you're getting a lot of time. It's not necessarily quality, right? Because many people are just in their

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own space on their own devices. And they're just, they're not really attached. They're not really connecting. And so if you have that avoidant attachment style, that you really need to be cognizant of setting aside time where you're really present for your spouse, you're there, you are not on your devices, you are not looking at the computer saying, Okay, go ahead, I'm listening, right. So try your best to dedicate some time show some compassion, and really engage with your family if you have an avoidant style. And if you're secure, keep it up. Okay, that's good, that's good. You don't have too much to work on just having maybe more understanding for your spouse. Because if you're if you

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have a secure attachment, your spouse may not. And this will make you just be a little bit more understanding of what it is that you may be going through. So

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Allah says, well, the Prophet sallallahu Sallam says that Allah Almighty says, I am as my servant expects of me, if he thinks good of me, he will have it if he thinks evil of me, he will have it. So this is having the husband plan of Allah. And we need to have the best expectation and realize that whatever is unfolding, whatever we're going through, you may be absolutely miserable right now, I know because I talk to people and I see the misery I see. There, the pitch is up here. They're, you know, they're, you know, they're yelling, they can't take it anymore. They mean, they're crying. And so I get that it's a very trying time, and many people are, are truly struggling financially as

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well. So it's not just being cooped up in the house and not being able to go out but but then it's like, how am I going to pay for everything? How am I going to manage? And so this is, you know, this challenging, but we need to realize that it is for for some greater good. And when we have that trust, when we have that Tawakkol and Allah, then things start falling into place, and our hearts are at rest, right? I love the decree late at night in Nanako loop that our hearts will find peace in the remembrance of Allah. So we have high expectations of Allah, we think the best of Allah. When it comes to expecting from the people around us, we have to adjust that we can have really high

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expectations of others, because if we do, we're going to set ourselves up to be this either disappointed or angry. So it's really critical to go ahead and adjust your expectations. Stop expecting everyone to be perfect. Okay. Stop expecting

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Your house to be perfect, stop having all of these very unrealistic expectations, because what ends up happening, when you have these expectations, and most likely, no one's gonna meet up to those, you know, at the expectation of perfection, because it just doesn't exist, then you are going to be, we're all going to be very frustrated, we're going to be annoyed. And it's going to cause a lot of friction, you know, in the attempt of keeping a very nice clean home, if you end up yelling, and screaming, and being in a bad mood at the rest of your family members is not really worth it. You know, when I interview individuals, and I asked them about their, you know, their childhood, they

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never tell me about, you know, the fact that the house was really clean. You know, they tell me, Well, Mom was always yelling, Dad was never around. And you know, we were just very dysfunctional. That's what they remember, they they kids, remember how you made them feel. So really try to prioritize that connection, and adjust your expectation, one of the best advice my mom gave me right before I got married, was lower your expectation, she's like lowered, lowered lower it lower, lower, until it becomes to zero, then you're always pleasantly surprised. And that has saved me so many times. So many times I, if different events would come up and you have, let's say different

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expectations for are they going to do this, are they going to do that, whether it's about your in laws, or whether about your spouse or friends, then you have this expectation. And, you know, the other person may make an attempt, but they only get up to here what's going to happen, you're going to be disappointed and sad and upset. But when you lower your expectation, what ends up happening is that you are pleasantly surprised all the time, you're pleasantly surprised. So it's really magical, magical advice, God bless my mom for teaching me that. And I apply it in every relationship, and it really affects the relationships. So, you know, we need to make sure that we are disconnecting from

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our devices, from social media, from the news, for God's sake, stop watching the news all day long. I know that it's very addictive. I know that, you know, you're just you know, the fear your fear motivated, and you just want the latest information. But you know, getting all that information, the number of deaths, the number of cases, from one country to another country, this data that stay, it's really psychologically overwhelming, we're not accustomed to getting this many bad news in it at one go. And this is going to start causing anxiety and depression. And what I'm concerned about is that it may also lead to paranoia, and it may also lead to obsessive compulsive disorder. I mean,

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there is a mental health pandemic. And it is unfolding before my eyes, every person that I talked to, I am seeing traces of this. And so we really need to be aware of our mental health, we need to make sure that we are disconnecting there is a time you just have to have a normal life go outside I after work today, I I walked outside and it was a beautiful day. Beautiful, lovely day. And just everything felt normal. We need to feel normal, you can't be cooped up in the house, watching this news that is just causing you so much stress. So try your best to disconnect, you know, get updated once or twice a day. And then connect with your family connect, connect, I mean really connect,

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right? Because when I talk to couples, they tell me Well, yeah, he's home, you know, because the man's like, Well, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. What, you know, what's the problem? It's like, he's not present. He's not emotionally present. He's just physically there, but he's somewhere else. He's either on his phone or is on his laptop or his watching movies, or, you know, she could be doing the same thing. So it's really about connecting with your children connecting with your spouse. And and having that time to really reflect I mean, all of us need that comfort right now. We all need comfort. We all need that support. And remember what Allah says that we're Jhala Boehner

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calm my wife, Tamara, Ma, right. Allah has put this love and mercy and we need to demonstrate it right because these are these are the things that we have been taught that we know

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And it's the time to apply it. Because this is when it really counts when when everything is easy when life is good when you're making lots of money and and you have you have your health and there's no fear, it's so easy to say Tawakkol Allah Allah right be be in good spirits be patient, sister, I. But when you are tested, when everything in your life is shaken, then that's that's when the Eman has to come up. That's when we have to show that yes, I do believe and I do have husband done of Allah. And I will make it through this, right. So make sure that in this time that you're definitely very stressed out, watching all this news, you're worried about your work finances, what ends up

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happening is that you take it out on your loved ones, right, we always end up taking it out on our loved one, we keep our beautiful character, our charm our patients and you know that gregarious personality, we keep it for the others. And at home, we have this like, you know, private edition of being a monster, right? So we need to change that we really need to change that. And really come to terms with how we're treating these people. Because these are the ones who really count these individuals, your spouse, your kids, they need to admire you, they need to love you, they need to think you're amazing. And if they don't, then that means there's work to be done, right? Nothing to

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get, you know, bent out of shape about but just say, you know, what, now is the time, whatever project you spend time on, that's the project that gets good, right? Some people are very dedicated to their bodies, they work out, they eat healthy, and it shows some people it's all about their home, cleaning it organizing it, whatever it is, and it shows right, other people, they're very dedicated to their work, or their education. So whatever you spend time on and you put genuine effort, you're gonna see results. And it's just that many people.

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Many people have just kind of ignored their, their wife, they've ignored their husbands, they've ignored their kids. And that's why things are the way they are. So don't get discouraged. And just make sure you're not taking out your frustration, your fear on your on your spouse and your children. Really be careful about that. And think before you speak, you know, this is one of the most important things anyone could ever do. I mean, if you can get a big poster, get a big, you know, Canvas, think before you speak. And just plant that in your mind where you don't blurt out things to the people that you love, because it really is hurtful. I mean, I have heard some really

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horrible things being said to one another that good things you cannot take back. And people will say I was like, Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't really mean it. But it's already out there. It's already been sad. The heart has already been scarred. So we really need to think before we speak. And also think before you blame, right? A lot of times what people end up doing is that there's the fundamental attribution error, fundamental attribution error, which is if you know, if you make a mistake, right? If we if we make a mistake about ourselves, what we do we attribute it to some temporary, external circumstance. So let's say Oh, I lost my temper. It's because I you know, I was in, you

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know, I was in quarantine. So that's why I lost my temper. But if your spouse does the same thing, right, what do you do then? Then the theory says that we end up attributing actually a internal flaw on that person. So it's more like, oh, they lost their temper because they have no self control. You see how it becomes a more like a flaw and internal flaw. So you're just like attacking that person? And you're saying they they're just like, they're, they're all bad, right? But then for yourself, you're like, Oh, I'm just I'm so innocent. You know, I'm just stressed. And it's always really disheartening when someone has a double standard, you know, when when you apply certain things to

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yourself, but then you don't apply it to others. That's just that's just not acceptable. And everyone will get frustrated if they experience this. So be very careful about doing this and they actually did a study

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In the year 2000, and they saw couples attribution styles, okay. And they followed individuals. And they saw that those who attributed the negative internal flaw, right, and they, they attributed that to their spouse, then that, that actually,

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that led to greater marital status, dissatisfaction, and higher likelihood for divorce. So just the fact that you all of a sudden attribute internal flaws to your spouse, that's going to be like, Okay, that's why there's more likelihood that you'll get a divorce. So stop doing that. Stop blaming your spouse, and just seeing them as like this bad person. And they have actually on, they have seen that positive illusion, that's where you kind of overlook the negative quality, we all have it right? Every single one of us, we have our good trades, we've got our negative traits, right? What do you want your spouse to focus on you? Right? What do you want your husband or your wife to focus

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on? Do you want them to sit there and list your negative traits? Which are there? Or would you prefer them to hone in on those good traits? Right? There are some couples, they're actually quite fair, they will come and they'll say, you know, what, my spouse has these really great traits. They're wonderful, you know, they are there. They're very intelligent, they're very compassionate, they are very giving. But you know, they're very demanding, and they're very, you know, they are very, maybe they'd like rude or whatever it is, right? Sometimes people are able to seek with both qualities. Other times, though, things get so bad that people stop reporting on any good. So you

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know, I will talk to the husband, all he says is all the bad things about

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his wife. And I talked to the US budget, and all he says is all the bad things about his wife. Right? And it's and it's just, it's not accurate, right? Because every one of us has the positive chatter out the negative traits, and we really need to just focus. And so this positive illusion is you overlook the negative qualities, not that you pretend they're not there, you just you overlook it, you see it, okay, I know, I know it's there. But let's overlook it. Now, if you can't overlook it, and it's just like it's in your face, then just keep quiet about it. Right? There are some people who just love to poke, they just, you know, they just love to buy whatever they see, they

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want to see it. And they want to poke the bear and stuff. That's, that's a really childish game to play. Right? So overlook, see the positive, and refrain from talking negatively about it. Because what ends up happening, every time you have that negative image of your spouse, every time you have those thoughts that you know, this, this person is all bad. And they're like, they're just they're internally evil. I've had people tell their wives that they're just like, they're evil. And they're the shaytaan, and all sorts of things, right. And if you really, you say that over and over again, eventually, you're going to believe it, and you're going to start, it's going to definitely affect

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the way that you you feel about them. Right? And what you really need to realize is that kindness and positivity is contagious, right? So yes, the virus is contagious, we have to get rid of the virus in our heart, right? We have so many diseases of the heart, we have so much that we have to be careful why we have to get rid of the virus that it's in our ego. The ego is just it's out of control, right? And Allah has brought us all down to our knees, and humbled US has humbled us and humbled our egos, because no matter who a person is, right, whether they're the president of a country that are prime minister, whether you whoever they are, and no matter how much money they

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have, they are being infected. And so this is really a humbling experience for all of us. And it should be and we really need to reflect what is it that I need to improve? How can I how can I change myself in this situation, and and so we do have to worry about those viruses of our heart virus of our ego and but also know that kindness and positivity is very contagious. I see the effect just like negativity is contagious. So

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one's negative someone's whining, someone's sitting there and complaining, and that's just going to it is going to be it's like black ink on a person, you know, it just kind of gets over you, right? The same thing is with positivity, positivity and kindness, you show that to others. And it really will cause them to it's, it causes a ripple effect. And so what I asked for us to do is to Inshallah, look at this period of time, this time that we are grounded by a law, right? To face our problems, to see that we have no, right now we can't have distractions, it's like, we can go anywhere, we can travel, we can even go to restaurants, and, and movies. And it's just all we can't

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even visit family or friends. It's all about the core, right? The nucleus family. And even if you're alone, right, there's internal work that needs to be done. I guarantee every single person has internal work, I don't care how educated how religious, how amazing a person is, the more amazing they are, the more they have to work on themselves, because then at the same time, it's like about managing the ego as well, right? So there's a lot of work that needs to be done. And so during this time, we really need to just take this take advantage, take advantage of the time, take advantage of the fact that you have everyone at home, and really just purify your intention, you know, because in

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them Allama lube in the yard, if you are staying at home just because like I'm stuck, and I can't go and this is horrible, and you're just have a negative attitude about it, then nothing good is going to come out of it, you are going to feel like this is a prison sentence. And you're going to just whine and complain and you're going to gain it them after it's an after SM you're just going to compile sins, right? Because, you know, I want you to think about

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what were you complaining about prior to all this? Right? Let's say five months ago, when life was beautiful when we had all that freedom when we work, we could travel and we could go places. What were you complaining about? I'm sure many people, they you know, people complain about the weather. It's too hot. It's too cold. It's too dry. It's too wet. It's too, right. Then you start complaining about where you are where you live your work complaining about going to work. Oh, it's Monday and I have to go to work all I have to drop off the kids. All of these things that we complained about. It's like I took them all away. Right? And what I want us to reflect on because now now we're

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longing for those things like it's okay. It's okay. Bring bring it back. I'm not gonna complain, I won't I won't complain about the school drop offs. That was a blessing. Right? I won't complain about the long lines in restaurants or crowded malls. I won't complain anymore. But what are you complaining about right now? What are you complaining about the fact that you're at home, and that you have a home and you have food and you have failure to help people? We are still complaining? We are we are and this is going to be problematic. Because what I fear is that if we don't appreciate the things we have right now, then more things may be taken away. Right? So this is something that I

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always tell my children is that if you don't show enough gratitude, if you're not focused on the things that you have a low we'll take it away. And we are being faced with that with Cena. It's a reality. It is a reality is it's surreal. Right? It feels like a sci fi movie, right? And we're ready to just like, you know, or bad.

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Nightmare. We don't want to talk about it being a nightmare. You know what, because I am seeing some incredible changes I am seeing within my community that I work with. I am seeing individuals that are actually having the right mindset. They have learned about embracing change they have learned about you know, I've been teaching about emotional intelligence, I've been teaching about how to have positivity and the power of visualization all of these things. And now at this stage, at this stage of their life where they are under a gruesome test, they're actually thriving. So this is the power of knowing how to deal with these things like so if you prepare yourself mentally, then you

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are able to act

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actually learn to thrive and not see it as a nightmare and not see it as a life sentence or a virus, prison sentence. And in sha Allah, all of us can, you know, just gather, gather up all that courage, all the all the emaan all that we have been doing those years and years of terror, we those years and years of attending classes, those weekend classes, you know, people are so excited about, you know, whether it's reading books or going to classes or getting a degree, whatever it is. And, you know, for a lot of people was like, check, check, check, right? It's like about completing it. But we really now need to focus on internalizing it, internalize the prayer, internalize the Viken,

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internalize all of those acts, don't make it a ritual anymore, and make it affect your heart. So that if you affect your heart in that way, you are going to be in a better state of mind, to be able to relate to your family, to be a better leader to be a better Moltmann. And that is our goal. Our goal is to get through this not just surviving, we want to thrive. And we want to be able to earn the highest ranks in Jannah. Because of the way we handled this, right. This is you know this, we're going to see who is going to be the valedictorian who is going to graduate with honors, who is going to have honorable mention, because of the way they dealt with the pen, pandemic. So let's all be

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focused, and let's get those A's right, let's get the A's from the kind of parent that we are, the kind of spouse that we are the way we deal with one another. Let's earn it. Let's earn our Jana with the way we're interacting with each other. I pray that Allah protects all of you and protects all of us. And I pray that if any of you are infected with the virus, may Allah cure you and help you to be so patient. This is a very trying time, I think we're all getting news about it a different people who have gotten the virus and passed away and I think one of the most difficult aspects of this is that once someone is hospitalized, you can't even go in, you can't visit them, you can't be by their

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bedside, you can't even possibly pray janazah on them. So this is going to be a very challenging test. So if any of you have gone through that may Allah is your heart and really raise the rank you know, we may not be able to give a big a big janazah they may not be you know lots of people and I know we all want that we want the righteous people to be preying on us but that angels melodica will be preying on your loved ones you're up and may Allah protect all of us and help us to do our absolute best during this time just like a law here Salam aleikum.

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wouldn't have heavy Lina photo gentleman one Hatfield lot. The ones that get in a long I guess.

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