Mother-Daughter Relationships

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Haifaa Younis

Channel: Haifaa Younis

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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to

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speak out to the outside to sit down on our studio while

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a woman mother

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in

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law in your home become an angry nail of the day of sharpness in this round,

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Robin Allah will have that there

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will be shortly suddenly US city who was determined descending upon everyone

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said mid everybody who

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does that I can ask me one if there is an empty chair next to you fill it because there's still ladies coming. And all the younger the youth, if you can sit on the floor, I'll be great. Just

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slap a I just said that in the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful are the blessings on eponymous wanting salatu. Salam, it's a pleasure to be here. It's heartwarming. It's a Tuesday at 630. Some of you may be all of you work or studying, you have other things you left your home came your dog got in California, so at least you drove minimum 1015 20 minutes. So I mean even more. The reason I'm starting with this is because we want this to be a blessing gathering.

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It's very important to wherever you are young and old is to be blessed meaning when you leave, not necessarily has to be you learn something about the dean, of course, it's a great, but not all our life. 100% is about

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when I'm left, when I'm going to leave, I learned something better human being younger mood, I'm a better person. And if you left, and you are not a better person, or I am not a better person, I lost I'm a loser. Because this hour or hour and a half is not gonna come again. You know that? It has an adversary has a beautiful saying you all remember this? We already said the children of all of you. We are not few days. All of us are these what every day. And part of me and can you bring last week? Can you bring last Tuesday? Right? Why not?

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You're all thinking, why not? I can't? Because I have not?

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I'm not alone. He's the only one who can bring the past to the present to the future. So every minutes make the best that you can. You want to have fun, make the best one in the way pleasing, or was part of that. You want to be so serious with seniors. But the best way pleasing, almost pantile. So it's beautiful to have you all definitely I have to thank Stanley society of the STEM center of Oregon, they have been after me from day one with a sister of the year. And it was pantalla it worked her How did that route I mean, it happened. And insha Allah if Allah wills will be doing the same series we did Rama center will be doing it here in sha Allah not next week, the week after,

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it's going to be eight weeks again. And this is again for the youth and for the adult. And I'm focusing on the adults more than the youth, which is very opposite to everybody. Because you don't want because if the adult knows, the youth will fall.

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If I don't know, then how do I expect my daughter to learn? And we always blame them and I'm not defending them, I have a lot of talk to them too. But in general, if I don't know don't expect your daughter or your son, or your spouse or your brother you need to learn first. So inshallah what you're going to be doing in eight weeks. Exactly. So the first Tuesday in August for two months is Muslims, what do we believe in?

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Who are we

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to becoming so confusing? Everybody says wherever they want to say, and we don't even even us who are like grounded in what we know. Sometimes you you say you know what? Really. So this is what we're going to be doing in sha Allah in August. Today. Topic was actually requested by the Islamic center was not my choice. And I said sure, but why?

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And I know the answer now.

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Because this is jam packed. Right? How often you see that many ladies come with listen to a talk tells you what.

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It's an extremely important topic. And we are all suffering young and old. There is a huge gap between this generation and this generation. Huge.

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Am I right?

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Use Am I right?

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Do you speak English your mother speaks French.

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Right? Or you speak French and your mom speaks Arabic.

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I always use this term and I don't understand what people are saying, like I'm French.

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And there is a reason for that there is many reasons. So what I'm going to try to do in short bytes, hour, I will do only one hour, because I want to leave the last half an hour before moral questions and answers. This is how we learn, we need to talk about this topics, we really need to talk about it. And as some of you may know, I'm a physician. And I always say this to my patient, unless I know what is the problem I can solve? Unless you tell me what's wrong with you. I can't help you. So the same thing is here. What is the problem? Number one, is there a problem? Let's start I'm going to ask you, and then I'll ask you. Do we have a problem in the mother daughter relationship? Youth? Yes

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or no?

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How many say yes, there's a huge there's a problem. huge, big or small?

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Show me hands. Don't be scared. No. Youth first. Okay. They all say yes. What they don't want to say. How about mothers? How many of you think your daughter doesn't listen to you? She doesn't understand what I'm saying.

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Right?

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So all of you.

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And the youth all but they didn't want to save it. For many reasons, we will have one day, a class for the youth.

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And then we will talk time. So let's go remember, this is a mosque. This is the house of Allah. So we all have to base what we talk and learn based on what not my opinion, or your opinion, or what your mom taught you, or what my mom taught me. It needs to be based on one thing and one thing only. And that is

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what Allah Asad, whatever Swami sought to serve said, and I'll give you this, I always do this. And it's not a joke is real. And happened to me when a member of my family was a tomorrow was a I would still rather than doing OBGYN, which is basically 16 to 18 hours a day. Barely I can study and tomorrow is a so the culture usually which most of you know that whichever comes to you comes in this cookies war, right? You name it, every country has its own. So I was talking to my sister tomorrow.

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and I are on call last night. And I'm working to that. She said, Did you make your cookies? And I was like, No.

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You didn't make the cookies.

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And I said, which Hadith in the Muharram.

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I have to do cookies for

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you to get my point. So Bayes, Bayes, your judgment, Bayes your principles, and this is for both, but definitely mainly for the members

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get upset. Because what the dollar did upsets Allah, not because this is not what you did when you went along. Or this what your mom said, or let her know what people say.

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Because the woman she's going to move, and she will move sooner or later, goes to college, get married. And that's it. She and Allah

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and the same thing for you. That's why it was when you saw it was a monetary thing, attack or harmonium. We all know this famous honey taco a lot conscious is here is not when I am around you or your mom around you. It's when you want to zoom in front of this, or this. And only him seeing you What are you doing? And you can claim what you want to play with teams. So first of all, this relationship needs to be based on what pleases Him and I'm going to keep using the word H capital H capital collar

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so what Allah's pantalla said, what a housewarming song for Samsung, if they didn't say it,

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or they didn't say the opposite,

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then we mean, then this is a place for discussion. She could be right, or you could be about. So that's the first thing first foundation, we're going to put foundation for this relationship without foundation is going to be my opinion, in your opinion, and you can be wrong and I can be like, and again, it's not a joke. I just moved from the Midwest to California, literally as if I moved to another country,

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especially in medicine, it's very different. Things are very different.

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But who said this is right or that one's was right. It's only one last

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says, and again, you know, came from Virginia also it's very different from so the first foundation, when you say to your daughter, you are wrong. Or when you say to your mother, you are wrong based on what I always ask this question based on what? Who said so. So that's number one. Number two, and also let's go to them basics. What who is the mother? Whose mother? Any of the youth? Whose mother?

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Yes.

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Exactly. She is the woman who gave birth to me absolutely. Push who else who she is who she

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you know, this hadith most of you in the back probably know this. A man came from Russia, Alexandre. So I need the youth to memorize this hadith. And not very used, who your mothers are still alive. Like you know your name. Because unless you know this faith, the relationship will never change.

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A man and his This is a man, not a woman, a man came to Roswell in Cyprus. I was sitting with the companions in the sea now aurrera underrated this said jell o do we have a sweetener? And I'm keen to persuade swatters, meaning they were, they're sitting and they saw the man coming, and this will help us. And he asked this question, nobody who's this man? We don't know. The issue is not the man. The issue is a question. What is a question? He said young

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men happen naturally sufficiently, who among people look at look at this, look, at this fall, there are more than 200 people.

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And he asked him, he didn't say who are from among this. He said from everybody. All human beings, who is number one, has the right of my fine treatment to him.

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Meaning that person I'll treat them very well. Excellent accuracy. Absent refers to somebody who is the person I have to treat valuer. I have to. What did he say?

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He said your mother,

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the woman who gave birth to you and me and us. And he said, Okay, and then second,

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the answer. Mother, your mother, your mother, third, someone, your mother.

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Then who? Your father

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engraved this in your heart.

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Remember, the foundation in this relationship is not what social media says. Says are the influencers. YouTube or Tik Tok influences says it's what Allah says, and whatever swan is autosen MC. So the first thing when I come and talk to my mom, I have to think this is the woman who are one will ask me.

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Did you treat her one?

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On Halloween?

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Did you treat her best? Not Well, that's how many of you adult you still have your modern living?

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Lucky you.

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And I mean it I lost my art. I was very young.

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And it's very different. Whatever you want to do is not the same when she's alive.

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And this is for everybody. Because this is time. Once they go again, we can bring them back. So the first thing Allah says Allah rasool Allah Islam for ourselves. Number two, who is this woman? That I am talking about? My mom? Yeah, but that's not how I want me to look at

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who is she my mother? The person the only person that has three times writes upon me before anybody else, not your friend, not your brother, not your father, not the person you are not your husband is your mother.

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One who is the daughter of Islam. It's not a one way this is a relationship. Relationship meaning two people together. So this is the mother What about the daughter? Who is she?

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In Islam? What did the Roswaal you saw it was an upset about his daughter.

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Do you know

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how many dollars I saw I saw for cinema for right? Okay, tell me the names not the adults you use those youth was you?

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Yes.

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Xena

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is a

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fancy default Lima.

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In all kung fu so far, right? He has four daughters, right? Xena or Kanye or crypto and 14. What did he say about one of them?

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Specifically about

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God was you need to know this. So when mom gets upset with you says Now that's not what I saw. I saw to Samsung, faulty marketed to me these

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faulty man is piece of me.

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Part of me.

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You know when you say I love her, she's part of me that what he said about

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about her. They said Sudan which had important this, she said, we were all sitting and she came in on his face changed.

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We started smiling. And he moved, so she can sit next to him.

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All those ones are there. This is the Suicide Squad. This is not you. But he moved. And he made her sit next. Then he was put something in her ears. And she started crying.

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And then he whispered something in her ears. And she stopped laughing.

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Then, as she was moved, leaving, say the Irish, of course, came to and said, What did he say?

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That made you laugh? And made you cry? You know what she said?

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I will never say something I was what they saw. said it to me and

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she didn't sink till he died. And see the house her wanted to know.

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So she went to her and said, Now he died. Teach us What did he tell him? He said he said to me.

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Now Gibreel came to me and revise the Quran with me in Ramadan twice. So I think this is it for me. So she started crying. Then he said you will be the first one is going to follow me. And I start laughing.

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This is who she was for him. The relationship is two ways. It is you and her. And you and

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so again, the second first foundation, what Allah says what of us who are inside ourselves, not the culture. Culture is a killer.

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It's beautiful. But it is not always right. And I am not in the same culture.

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Unfortunately, but I'm not. And if you still live in your culture, you're living in the nether land. You know the Neverland?

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Absolutely. Specially if you don't work, if you work, you will know the difference. But if you don't work, and you live at home, you have no idea what is happening outside.

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It's a completely different world. I was I just came from the hospital this morning. I was working last night. It's a different world. What does it mean to go and pray? What does it mean that you don't have with the with what you're getting engaged in what they are saying? Is it a different world? So number one, I'm going to base this relationship on what Allah said what I was wanting someone to synopses one number two. I need to know who's my mother. How many of the youth before they do want to go to Jana? Show me hands

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and how to renew. Is it easy?

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It's hard. Very hard. Impossible.

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is not impossible.

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But it needs work like everything else. How many of those wants to go to agenda everybody.

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So this is the foundation. I need to go to Jana, I want to go to gentlemen. And Allah put me in this relationship. This is my mother, this is my daughter. This is one way of we're going to done by looking at my mom as the most the number one person has right upon me. And number two, this is my daughter whose piece of me

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think of Roswaal risotto assumptions piece of me.

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Now there is six kinds of relationship between mother and daughter

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six or seven? Does anyone knows the seven I think seven let me just make sure that I'm not making a mistake. Does anyone knows what kind of relationship you have with your daughter?

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Or what kind of relationship you have with your mother

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Miss Wanda?

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Nothing.

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Okay, so number one we have I'm gonna go as I have sisters.

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They are like sisters, I give you the titles and we will discuss. So number one systems.

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And let's see how many of you your dollar is your system. We'll talk about in a second. Close friend

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too that's another one three

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complete strangers. You speak French she speaks Arabic. You love this. She hates it. You want to do this No way. Strangers for

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you both put each other together. Down.

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You put her down she puts you down. They call them Jacqueline che you put her down and she puts you down. You will never be successful. You will never understanding. This is you putting each other down. You are smiling. I see a lot of smiles on the woman's faces. Sounds familiar? Okay, four, five.

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Rejection you don't want her and you she doesn't want you. I wish I never delivered you. I wish you are not my mom.

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The cost of rejection. That's five, six. The mother this is from the mother, the mother who encouraged the daughter and we shouldn't be the one who always pushed the door positive.

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Not very good. I've come to it in the detail. So this is number six. And number seven, the controller the mother will control her daughter.

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Which one is the commonest one is this seat again? Number one is sisters number two friends number three

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strangers and number four

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put each other down Ma sha Allah you wrote it down and five rejection both reject each other and six the one who push correct and number seven control what is the communist one in this room?

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Just raise your hands working in the US let's start with Yes What's your name?

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Zaha.

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Dora Allah already param mashallah, Gilead.

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Strangers?

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Systems? What is the commonest one? Yes. Friends, reality mothers?

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Yes.

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encouraging each other. This sounds very quiet. But once 100 Then why do we have this talk?

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Why would we stop? There's something else

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I can hear you. Controlling? Now we are already hearing reality control. What is the communist one?

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Pushing Okay, yes.

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Justice. So let's let's come what is sisters? And this is sisters in the positive way. What is what is how do you define a system with a system? What the sisters do?

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And what is friends do?

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Both are close. Right? Sisters, you share a lot of common things.

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Even food even what you like you go shopping you like the same taste, right? And then who is the first person this is youth and adult? Who's the first person you go? When you have a problem and talk to

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if your toddler doesn't come to you as number one, you have an issue with that tradition. She's not your friend. She's not your sister.

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So you can claim what you want to claim. But that's how it is. When I have a problem you have a problem? Would you pick up the phone on?

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Mom, because this generation because mom is a different we grew up in a different relationship completely. But in general, if you are a teenager, you pick up the phone on, on your friends, you text your friend. So here you are, number one, each person in this room, think of your relationship with your daughter. Don't think of what's the general you and you think of your relationship with your mother? Is she your friend? Do you trust her? When you make a mistake, major one, you're gonna go and talk to your mom and you know, she will listen to you. She will not be upset. She's not gonna come and says How dare you do this is this is when I worked hard. And this is what my daughter do.

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If that's your response, she is not your friend.

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If that's your response, she is not your system.

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So looking to define your relationship, the best are the first two

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sisters and friends even better.

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It's even better. The one who pushes their daughter always. Actually studies showed that you may at the end hurt

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Tell

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because when you push her too much you want to make her what you are not.

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You want it to be a physician, but you couldn't do push that to me, but she doesn't want to, but you push them. So don't be pushing. Give them space I always say this give them space as long as that space is pleasing to all. If the space is not pleasing to Allah, then we will discuss different so what's the relationship? That's the third question you're gonna ask? What is your what kind of relationship you had with your daughter? What kind of relationship you have with your mother? If I asked the young what's, what's somebody from this side? What is your relationship with your mother? What if your mother is healed?

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Right. That's a tough question. Anyway. I don't want to put anybody on the spot. The best example of mother in the Quran who had cook until him

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best example of a mother and an example of a daughter

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see, to Hajj not in the Quran in the Quran.

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Yes, Dora, Mashallah. Look at Dover. She's only when I was answering.

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Mother off.

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I can't hear

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the mother. I've seen them. So

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you want to want to know what Mother fields.

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You want to know youth what Mother fields read the privacy what was said? Right was smart for mozaffarian. When they took them from her, her heart became empty. Means nothing fills the heart of your mother except you. Regardless what you say and does, because this is natural. Zelman law created the mother and the best daughter in the Quran.

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Yeah, but after Musa came as a sister, when I'm talking about a daughter, phenomenom Obata or a Trump being the one

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who was she saved her money.

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And she said your wife, she's a girl.

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And at that time, the girls worked. The girls didn't work. The boys worked. And they they were looked at because they work they can serve a lot more. And she says y'all love but she's a girl. Meaning she will not be able to serve you the way the boys serve. And Allah showed her what a girl can do.

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obedient servant of Allah and Allah gave her everything seen as a career when he came. He used she used to sit worship almost pantalla he comes in see always for dinner with her. He said, Yeah, Maria Anana. Keypad. Where did this come from? And she said, we named

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our loggers.

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This is what you need to be all. Yeah, it is high, high, high end was not impossible. Once, one day a week, one day a week, you Armonia one day a week you are on.

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Cannot be it should not be always always like this. Fighting. I've seen mothers, I've seen your youth say to me, I hate her.

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And I was like, subhanAllah, what does this model do to this girl? To say I hate her.

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And the mother says, I wish I never delivered them.

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So we really have to move back. Take a breath. Think and see where did we go wrong? Is a very beautiful book. Written I look was actually a PhD thesis. It's very interesting. How many immigrant mothers in this room? Immigrant

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to Munich, you're not born raised here.

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Right? Okay. This is why actually I looked at that study this study. It's done by the Muslim psychologist in 2007. She looked at I think she's a she I don't remember the name. Now. She looked at the relationship. This is actually the title of it is the relationship is Jordanian the relationship of the immigrant mothers with their adolescence girls American born and the impact of that relationship on the health of the gods health General and the physical, the psychological health.

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It's very interesting study.

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And I'll share some facts with you. But the conclusion was, which was to me was really surprising. The healthier the relationship.

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The healthier the girl is.

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And it's it looked at girls didn't look at boys looked at Gods

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And the less healthier this relationship is, this is for you all mothers, then how less healthy are the girls are healthier health, physical and psychological. So don't rush this relationship.

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This relationship needs to be worked at worked for me to work for it, make it work, as we say, you know, those of you who are here, you know what I'm saying? People look at you say make it happen. I was like, I can do it. Yes, you can. I add to it, ask Allah to make it happen. So what did they find? In this? There's a book also, I highly recommend you in case you didn't read it. It was actually by two Muslim couple. It's a Quran and Bashir in 2007. And there was titled challenges of parenting Muslim teens in North America.

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What challenges and this is in 2007, they need to rewrite the book now.

00:30:58--> 00:31:09

Right? Because the life has completely changed almost 1718 years. So the book is called challenges of parenting Muslim teens in North America. They talked about their daughter.

00:31:10--> 00:31:37

And Sister Doris wrote in the book a chapter, and she said, and I'm gonna read this as her and her name is Hooda reading it because it's a book published. And she says, I committed to myself, I need the girls to listen to this. She was 10 years old. She said, I committed myself to wear hijab before I was even 10 years old. But the most thing that I stood out is is not the hijab is my style of

00:31:39--> 00:32:24

weight mothers. This is for the mothers. I like a certain look. That was called the skater style. You know what that is? Youth. Do you know that is? She explained him, okay. Skaters wore big T shirt, really baggy pants, sneakers and cows. That was my style between grade six until about grade 10. But by the time I was in grade 11, I was letting the skater Seibel. Go and starting to dress in a more appropriate manner. This is the girl saying this.

00:32:25--> 00:32:33

Finally, I took the decision to wear my skirt. And no pants as my mother always wanted.

00:32:36--> 00:32:36

Did you get it?

00:32:38--> 00:32:39

What do you learn from this?

00:32:41--> 00:32:45

Mother's first, mother's first, this is in the book.

00:32:48--> 00:32:50

What do you learn? This is the God saying.

00:32:53--> 00:33:02

The mother should be our mother. Our mother wears beautiful hijab the daughter did not she wore hijab, but she were her son. What do you learn from this?

00:33:05--> 00:33:06

Be patient or

00:33:07--> 00:33:15

this is what it is? Cuz she looked at what she said at the end. Finally, grade 11 that means how old was she?

00:33:17--> 00:33:31

16. Right, 1516. He said at grade 11. Finally, I took the decision to wear only skirts and yoga pants as my mother was urging me to do.

00:33:32--> 00:33:38

It took her seven years to do what her mother wanted her to do. How patient is this monitor?

00:33:40--> 00:33:45

How patient is that? This is what I wanted you all to learn. What made the mother patient

00:33:47--> 00:33:51

10 years old, decided to Whoa,

00:33:52--> 00:33:59

she looked at the positive one. She didn't look at your wedding value what people will say about you, you look like a boy.

00:34:00--> 00:34:11

Right? She said to her. Again. I didn't read the book the whole thing. But I'm assuming because what made the girl continue to do, right this experience and then change at the end.

00:34:12--> 00:34:57

Patient. Another foundation patient is extremely important. It's very difficult, but it's very important. And I'm looking at I'm looking down I'm looking top because the patient has to come from the adults. You are not 14 and 13 and 15. You're not good going through and I'll read to you some of the resource studies what teens goes through physically and emotionally. We grew up in a different era. We grew up in an era and this is not to 200 years ago. We grew up in an era where we have no choices. Right? You didn't go to the supermarket and you had 10 kinds of apples to choose from.

00:34:59--> 00:34:59

We didn't

00:35:00--> 00:35:53

It was much easier by the way, because it's just one app one ticket. And now you have to look and which one? Right? You want to buy a phone? Oh, which one? The point? Patient foundation. Again, what Alana was one insight was not my culture, and not how I grew up. Number one, number two, us Who is she? And mom, who is she, for you? Two, three, the name of the game is patient, both sides, but I expect from the adult more than the youth, because you are an adult. So in this book, that's what they said. They said, and this is done. They say the most important thing. Just because of the time I'm going to I'm going to miss some some things. The study looked at immigrant models and girls who

00:35:53--> 00:35:55

were born raised here in the United States.

00:35:57--> 00:36:01

What three factors affect that relationship? Three things.

00:36:02--> 00:36:18

The Immigrant mother is what they brought with them the baggage they brought with them. And two is religion. And I was surprised they put religion number two, religion is number two. And number three is the new culture here.

00:36:20--> 00:36:24

How many of you are from the Arab world in this in this room?

00:36:25--> 00:36:43

And how many of you are from the Indo Pak background? Okay, so almost 5050. And everybody here is one race in the States. Am I right? Or at least you came here one year or two. So you basically. So when you look at your mom, she doesn't understand some words, I don't understand what it means.

00:36:44--> 00:36:52

You have this problem. You say things to your mom feels like what you're saying. That's because it's a different culture. I'll give you an example.

00:36:54--> 00:37:04

I lived in England, and then I moved to the United States. And I was actually in California first. So I went to the University, everybody seemed cool. And I was like, What is closed?

00:37:06--> 00:37:10

Because in England, they don't use this word. They use school for cool weather.

00:37:12--> 00:37:35

Right, those of you who lived in England, and I was like, What is this? Oh, cool. Mean It is nice. Right? It's sweet. This is different culture. So they say words, they say words you don't understand. But doesn't mean it's wrong. It just this is the way the culture is. And there's some words, I honestly don't know the meaning I have to Google.

00:37:36--> 00:37:42

I have a friend who wouldn't she has. Now he's 17 years old boy, his joy is to teach his mother is joy.

00:37:43--> 00:38:04

Right? And he calls me because I get it. And she doesn't. And he looks at me and starts laughing. And I looked at and I was like he's teasing you forget it. Because he used words, he doesn't understand the meaning. And he's not saying about words. He's saying very funny words, just another mean. So culture, religion and the new culture.

00:38:05--> 00:38:06

Now,

00:38:07--> 00:38:18

very nice statement, I'm going to say to everybody the most exceptional relationship in psychology is the mother daughter relationship.

00:38:19--> 00:38:46

They say this is extremely exceptional. It's not like even spouses, or brother and sister or sister and sister, mother and daughter is absolutely exceptional. Why starts from birth. This is a relationship starts from birth. It's not a relationship starts when I went to college, or when I went to high school, or when I moved to California. It starts from the moment the day you come out and you've cried, and you cried. Both of you cried.

00:38:47--> 00:39:10

Yes, this is what I tell my patients is in three states three times in the whole pregnancy delivery. I see I as a physician see your tools as a fourth 1/4 One where when you are at home, and you did the pregnancy test, you jumped in cramp. I don't see this. But when you come to my office and I do an ultrasound, right, and you see the baby

00:39:11--> 00:39:31

and you start crying. You see the fetal heart. I've never done it and the mother doesn't cry. And then at 20 weeks, when you see the baby moving, and you hear the fetal heart, and especially if I can say it's a boy or girl, you see tears and third one never failed is when the baby

00:39:33--> 00:39:42

never have been doing this for more than 20 years. And for all of you the youth when you were born. Absolutely you're crying and if you are not crying, I'll make you cry.

00:39:43--> 00:39:45

Because then I'm gonna start to worry about you.

00:39:46--> 00:39:48

And please forgive me or spank

00:39:49--> 00:39:58

but your mom has to cry. Never I just delivered to me this morning. And absolutely the model

00:39:59--> 00:39:59

is beautiful.

00:40:00--> 00:40:21

To use, so it's a relationship starts from birth. That's what number two, then it's three stages. Children, like think of your younger brother or sister. What is this relationship? It's love. It's cute. I take care of her. Right? So it is a given

00:40:22--> 00:40:38

then comes to adults or adolescents that aging Hello, everybody here is that age. This is an age of what becomes what's the relationship? Not love never changes. But it's not giving them. It's what

00:40:40--> 00:40:42

why vacuity understanding?

00:40:43--> 00:40:49

Absolutely, you have to understand them more than they understand you, you need to understand.

00:40:51--> 00:40:56

And you need to know why she said no. Why do you didn't do what you want to do?

00:40:57--> 00:40:59

Why she likes her friends more than she likes you.

00:41:01--> 00:41:06

Why she doesn't wash the dishes? Why she doesn't make the bed. They're all laughing.

00:41:07--> 00:41:14

Right? Why? Why she said, I'm tired. But if her friend calls her, she's out on the internet to me.

00:41:16--> 00:42:04

Not you, okay? Because the internet is off by 10pm in Dallas. And so the relationship changes, then when the mother gets older now, you on the back, you become the giver to your mother, or you another 20 years, you will be the giver to your mother. This is the relationship with these three stages. And even a Roswaal Insight was set up. This is in general for the children, you know, the seventh and the 14th. You know that. So after seven you love them, you play with them, you give them they bring you happens. Seven to 14, you start playing with them, meaning come to their level 14 above their friends done. No more do because I told you she will not do it.

00:42:06--> 00:42:09

And you know what's happened in this country. And I don't want to say because of the ages.

00:42:10--> 00:42:13

All mothers you need to know the law of this country.

00:42:14--> 00:42:47

And what's the rights of this country, the rights of the youth of this country. It's not back home, nothing to do with back home. And even by the way back home is changing. Because everything is following because of the so the mother is none they am sharing from the studies they said non stop source of love, support kindness, and that the relationship would be transformed. When they become this age lovin advice, but no force,

00:42:48--> 00:42:55

no force, can't force them to do things. You can't force her to do a job. Can't.

00:42:56--> 00:43:20

This is what you say to her, you became an adult. And I say this because it is very important because his mother daughter, you said listen, once you have your cycle, you became an adult. Allah who would ask you, Allah would ask me, Did you teach her? Number one? Do you do it yourself? Don't ask your daughter to do something you don't do. Then police will give you your HyperCard

00:43:22--> 00:43:31

as this famous poet says in that massacre, and hallelujah, start with yourself and stop yourself from doing evil.

00:43:32--> 00:43:38

Then at that point, if you're Napster, listen to you. You will become a teacher and people will listen to you.

00:43:40--> 00:43:46

So if you want your daughter to have a good manners, you need to have a good manners. Let's see very famous anybody from Egypt here

00:43:48--> 00:43:54

by tourists? Oh my gosh, what about what is the famous saying in Egypt about mother and daughter?

00:43:59--> 00:44:00

Listen to this.

00:44:01--> 00:44:16

I can see it in here because I really don't know. But you literally it's like a container. Turn it upside down. And the daughter is the model. So this is the mother turning this this is the daughter exactly the same but two phases of one point.

00:44:19--> 00:44:38

It's two phases to one coin. In a lot of them others look at the door. Are they seeing them themselves? So Absolute Source of Love advice, parenting style. This is also for the adult needs to change with the age.

00:44:39--> 00:44:59

You need to change with the age when she's seven is not the same when she's nine or when she was 11. That's a normal she's 16 or 18. It's very different when she went to college. It's very different when she got married. You're still her mother and you say this uninstall your mother while yes she is and by the way, they come back when they get married because they want them yeah

00:45:00--> 00:45:39

I have to take care of the babies. Right? Exactly. So don't worry, they're coming back. But the parenting style changes you saw her model. Absolutely still our daughter, you know what I call this relationship? non negotiable. I have no doubt I have no choice in this. I have no choice who's my mother? I have no choice who's my father? I have no choice was my siblings. But I have a choice to make this relationship a source for me to go to Jamaica. And this is your choice. So lead source of law model parenting style changes. And the best relationship is actually friends.

00:45:40--> 00:45:45

If you are your daughter or friend, then you absolutely their

00:45:46--> 00:45:56

mothers, what are you expect? What would you expect from your mother? Let's say somebody from the youth. What do you expect from your mother? Anything? Other than double?

00:45:58--> 00:45:59

Yes.

00:46:01--> 00:46:04

Oh, I just want to see you Mashallah.

00:46:10--> 00:46:11

I can't hear you.

00:46:18--> 00:46:23

So she wants this is one of the most smartest girls I have met Michelle, and

00:46:25--> 00:46:31

she expect this in this models. How old is Jasmine 1010. Now

00:46:37--> 00:46:43

she wants she wants her mom to give her the right to choose.

00:46:45--> 00:46:47

Nine years old.

00:46:48--> 00:46:50

How many of you wants to have children anymore?

00:46:53--> 00:47:04

But this is reality. So do I give them choices all the time? Yes, yes. But the two choices has to be pleasing to Allah.

00:47:05--> 00:47:14

Or the five choices has to be pleasing to Allah. But don't force choice, your choice and everything she wants to wear black letter where

00:47:16--> 00:47:21

she wants to agree letter to them. As we say in reality, choose your battle.

00:47:22--> 00:47:32

Choose your battles. Let her do that. So mother and daughter relationship should be let's let's take

00:47:33--> 00:47:40

fantasy. And then we'll come to reality shouldn't be friends, warm, intimate.

00:47:41--> 00:47:59

Mother look at her daughter, as she is part of her. And she wants her to be even better than her. But without force. That's the relationship. No control. No, whatever I'm missing, she needs to do it. Or she has to listen to me.

00:48:00--> 00:48:29

And the relationship is actually based on religion. And this This is based on regardless of your ethnicity or religion. This is how it should be. It doesn't matter. I grew up this this is different. No, it is mother daughter relationship is law. Intimate, non negotiable. My way to gender both sides. And I want her to be the best that she could be my test.

00:48:32--> 00:48:35

She absolutely can be my test. Both ways.

00:48:36--> 00:48:39

Right. So you know him. His son was

00:48:41--> 00:49:28

Catholic. They're very sad Brahim. His father was Catholic. Didn't really. So it's not always the perfect relationship could be completely different. But the style doesn't change. When Satan talk to his son. It didn't tell him go you are careful. You're disbeliever go and let you drown. And I will not see you anymore. He didn't say this. When you get upset with your daughter, what do you say? He said the uglier command when I took command Caffery, my son, he's careful. My boy actually said the other morning, my my little baby, come with us. And don't be with the disbeliever and he didn't listen to him. He still didn't say go get go to join them. I don't care about you. He didn't say

00:49:28--> 00:49:37

this. Even after that. You may know how to unlock your inner beam in an hour that can help your mom my son, Scott.

00:49:38--> 00:49:55

And your homies is a truth and saying they brought him when he was talking to his father. This is the youth he didn't say daddy you're a Kaffir you don't know what I'm talking about. I have no need you know nothing. You don't even know the language. Look at your accent go to hell. He didn't say yeah, I'm

00:49:56--> 00:49:59

guiding. This is so much money in this Quran. Remember?

00:50:00--> 00:50:03

What the base the base is called along with a one says we are

00:50:05--> 00:50:26

now taboo be shame on don't worship shape on image Shyvana Canada right Mannion shape on absolutely is this this region to the Most Merciful yeah but in a journey when Daddy with our you know your Bible more than once you know that but in this way you didn't say Mom You know nothing you always in the kitchen

00:50:27--> 00:51:17

don't do that. That's not You're not gonna get the agenda this way. This is not what Allah wants you to see. Doesn't matter what people say outside, we're different. And people always ask me are we different? Yes I am Hampton. I'm so happy. I'm different. I was Fantana made me different 100 Why why I'm not happy with the way of warming. So look at that. It's an intimate, it's a beautiful relationship. It's a friendship. Mother's now, things that mothers should never ignore. I put this for myself. Mothers, number one Don't ignore that goes on as they are growing, especially this age up to 18. They have special needs, because of the hormonal changes. How many of you women hearing of

00:51:17--> 00:51:18

PMS?

00:51:20--> 00:51:26

No hand reading. So what I see in my, in my office is what is a different country?

00:51:27--> 00:51:46

And nobody wants to raise their hand. That's okay. Right? Exactly. So the same way you have how many of you had emotional changes in pregnancy? fairly common, same thing here. So you need to know Don't ignore that when she is suddenly have bad.

00:51:47--> 00:52:08

The way she respond to you is not the usual you want to ignore. That may be a reason behind it. What time of the month is it? When is your cycle and don't make fun of it. So Allah created us, You will not give birth to her unless you have a sample is all I tell a woman I said 100 If you don't have a period, you will not be able to get pregnant.

00:52:09--> 00:52:17

So don't ignore that they are changing. Change age wise, psychological wise and physical was number two.

00:52:18--> 00:52:24

This is extremely important specially for the immigrant one, they are not going through the same experience you want to

00:52:26--> 00:52:30

d'Orsay when I was your age, I want you hit that

00:52:32--> 00:52:33

you're just see their faces.

00:52:34--> 00:52:55

Don't see that. Because when you were 12 years old, there was no internet. There was no phone, you remember, there was only one phone in the house. Right? Only one form. And the form was plugged in everybody around to pick up the phone. Do you remember? That's that by the way, this is not in the 1800.

00:52:57--> 00:53:35

This is in 2000 2000 before the internet, right? So don't expect the same experience. When you were in school, what they taught you and me way different than what they are teaching them. They are going through different experience. So take this in consideration number three, again, important, this is all from the study. Don't expect that the relationship is based on domestic need, you need to do your bed, you need to clean the kitchen, you need to empty the dishwasher. That's it. That's the relationship.

00:53:37--> 00:53:42

And where is my lunch? What is my dinner? Are you taking me to practice? Is that the relationship?

00:53:44--> 00:53:59

Did you get the point? It's way more than that. It's way more than that. So it is not about domestic responsibility or the usual social roles. You need to grow up and be a good girl because you're going to get married.

00:54:01--> 00:54:06

What people will say about you? How about what Allah says about you?

00:54:07--> 00:54:09

Have this Allah when he sees you think of you.

00:54:11--> 00:54:24

So this is the three it's about knowledge. Learn about learn about them. How many of you are mothers, when the daughter is watching a cartoon? You sit and watch it with him

00:54:28--> 00:54:29

let alone movie.

00:54:31--> 00:54:49

Let's lesson on a book she's reading. You read it also share the knowledge, not r this is how I was taught you need to do this because that's how my mom told me that's not what are they learning you need to learn? Do you read their books in school? Do you read their social system?

00:54:50--> 00:54:54

Do you read their geography or not even teach them geography?

00:54:55--> 00:54:59

So you need to share the knowledge meaning not only one way what you

00:55:00--> 00:55:06

You know, give it to them, you need to see what are the what are they being fed?

00:55:07--> 00:55:50

Literally, I had all my nieces and nephews, they're already closing at one time all together and and literally copy and paste that question one and lives in the Midwest, one lives in East Coast, one lives here in California. But they all answer the same after what do they feed you in school? Same thing, it's very different than you and me. So learn about this. Sometimes he or she will move down, sometimes your hair will become gray, become gray, but it's reality. It's reality. This is what they are exposed to in school. You need to want this to share the knowledge. And the most important thing you need to accomplish and I'm going to stop you right? Yes.

00:55:51--> 00:55:54

You need to acknowledge it's not a smooth,

00:55:55--> 00:55:57

it's not a smooth ride.

00:55:58--> 00:56:04

It's full of challenges. But there is a big one is the biggest market.

00:56:06--> 00:56:08

The biggest markets, you have a model,

00:56:09--> 00:56:17

I was talking to someone who's very successful, I can't tell you how successful the mother left at age 14.

00:56:18--> 00:56:25

To go to work, because they need she wanted to support them to go good to get a good education.

00:56:27--> 00:56:31

Now, very successful person, Miss that long.

00:56:33--> 00:56:39

Miss that moments. It's very different when you talk in your FaceTime versus when you had the real hug.

00:56:40--> 00:57:25

So cherish this, the fact you have a daughter isn't human, the fact you have a mother is an human, I will give my lifetime my mom back again, I can do it. And all of you will reach that day because that's how it is. Look at it as a blessing. Be grateful. Be thankful. It's not easy, full of challenges, what makes it easy. And look at them, that they are a blessing, they have a responsibility, but they also are going to be responsible for themselves. And your job is like when they were two years of age started to walk. What did you do? We didn't take their hand. We let them walk. But you were behind them. Right? And sometimes you don't have fault. Right? And what did you

00:57:25--> 00:57:26

say? Let

00:57:28--> 00:58:17

me get up. And that's what you need to learn to move back. But don't let go completely but move back into their space. And the last one, I will say to the youth, there is no Yama like, no one will loving will love you. No one will love you. Like your mother. It's the only unconditional love. That's how they say it's the only person who loves and gives without expecting anything back. She doesn't wake up at four o'clock or 5am. And most of them do that in the school day and prepare them lunch because she will give you the hug. know most of you don't even do that because you don't have time you're running to the boss. Because this is how she becomes happy when she takes. So look at it

00:58:17--> 00:58:31

this way. When it gets very tough when it gets difficult. ask Allah to make it easy. And the goal of this relationship is to please not to please anybody else does that sparkle hunting a shadow?

00:58:32--> 00:58:47

Or to Rick's syllable? Honestly, no. While he was happy to see him and now we have questions. There's a lot of comments on the chat. You probably see it. Questions. Yes, CLA? I was waiting for this. Yes, of course he has been

00:58:49--> 00:58:51

one of your mom not Muslim.

00:58:54--> 00:58:56

Look at this question.

00:58:57--> 00:59:02

Ya Allah. What about if your mom is not Muslim? Do you love her the same way?

00:59:04--> 00:59:09

Absolutely. You do exactly the same with a lot of Doha.

00:59:12--> 00:59:49

If the mom doesn't want you to be a Muslim, that's a challenge. But you still take care. She's still your mother. You will love her. Maybe not. Maybe I've seen it many times is your love to your mom that will change. Your support. Your mom will change or the only time you don't listen to her if she wants you to do something that is not pleasing to Him is a question on the oh, there was a question on the chat. Yep. My mom doesn't want to meet. That's very common. My mom doesn't want me to have a job. Since I started grading it. She has gone into severe depression. So Pamela, now,

00:59:50--> 00:59:59

last few days. She keeps talking about she wants to die off because she feels she has lost her daughter. How can I make

01:00:00--> 01:00:03

In this situation as I feel very worried about

01:00:05--> 01:00:07

Subhan Allah you read the question

01:00:10--> 01:00:16

the mother is really depressed, she needs to be treated the mother needs to be treated

01:00:17--> 01:00:52

depression I'm glad this question came up especially in the Muslim community depression is a disease is like a headache like you have abdominal pain you need to be treated and treated ASAP This is suicidal thoughts she needs to be treated. So the answer is the hijab was the trigger but there is a lot of factors before that such definitely needs to go through immediately because this is very serious for any psychiatrist you pick up the phone and says My mom wants to die there was see her immediately they're not even going to hospitalized yeah question yes please.

01:00:55--> 01:00:56

Culture cultural

01:00:59--> 01:01:00

religious.

01:01:02--> 01:01:02

So

01:01:05--> 01:01:22

yeah, so cultural practices are manifestations of our religious requirements or rules. So we may not know like what are the or were in that arise states but we know it stands for religion right? We have that

01:01:24--> 01:01:27

knowledge that okay, it stands for religion. So

01:01:29--> 01:01:48

when you say like okay, I you know, when we're asking Okay, do this or don't do that. And you know, it may be from culture, but it could be from religion and so, how do I know basically the question stems to the following How do I know this is religion? Or this is culture? Can it be both?

01:01:50--> 01:02:14

Absolutely. Right. But majority of it based on religion, but has been changed. Give me an example of something you think it is cultural and it is religion or vice versa. For example, wearing nail polish right? Some cultures may not allow girls to wear nail polish, but you don't have to

01:02:15--> 01:02:33

you know, just it's cultural religion. So it it can be culture right because if your culture you don't wear nail polish or any of your family traditions, you don't wear nail polish, but it also has a religious basis but you may not know that

01:02:34--> 01:02:40

okay, that's a good example. So when I say to my daughter, don't do this

01:02:41--> 01:03:05

right? Or my daughter says why not? And that's the communist answer. Right? And you need to know why not because you cannot answer well, I never did it. Well you will not mean what my mom didn't let me why we never asked this because we are a different generation but they need to so is nail polish foundation

01:03:06--> 01:03:13

and I'm not talking about nail polish per se but in general whatever is this go to the religion is it allowed or is

01:03:14--> 01:03:53

if it is allowed in the religion my answer I don't care about the culture unless the culture if I do it I would really be in not a good position which is very old way and the opposite if the culture that allowed it but that what the religion doesn't allow that in absolutely I'm not doing even if all the cultures is so when you are in this humbler we live in a time all the information is available is a bit I mean, we are polished, go to anywhere ask anybody they will tell you the answer. Some things are more buttoned clear, but what about the more you know they

01:03:54--> 01:04:33

like it's more like higher up kind of idea. Give me an example like why do they why if everything is predetermined and that's Computer Aided This is why we're talking about it in the eight received but that's not cultural or not religion. That's religion. Why do I make a dua everything is predestined. And we'll talk about it when we talk about what is the communist? Don't raise your voice. Right? This is one of the most annoying things tomatoes Am I right? Don't shout at me. Don't answer me this way. Right. To guns is that moment if he says don't you talk to us?

01:04:34--> 01:04:36

Is that religion? No, that's cultural.

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And which one is more?

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Religion? Of course. Why? Because she's my mother. He just told me the person. The most important person or the number one person that has relied upon me to treat her with accident is Mother How can I shout and for the glory

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Do you like me to shout out to you?

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Thank you

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then that's it. If I don't like it on myself, how do I do it for the other? So that's absolutely religion. Take another thing, don't this is something very common. Maybe I learn about the Indian market I see this a lot in the Arab world. You and your brother, the brother goes with his friends and come back whenever time he wants, but she needs to be back home at eight or nine. Why?

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Why? Because you're a girl. What does that mean?

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I need to be worried about both of them. religion tells me protect them both. Right?

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I'm sorry, I will not if I had a boy or the girl. It's the same ruling after you want to go and resort to new

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religion zonula towards earning a salary because the person he or she will commit adultery. He or she who still it's the same ruling. The same ruling. When I am worried about her I'm worried about my son. I'm worried about my daughter. That's culture. That's how I grew up. I know this very well. That's culture. But religion tells me to protect them both. Because if he makes a mistake, he's going to be responsible. She makes a mistake

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what do you mean Shall I let him go at the comeback at 1.1 I am because he's stronger

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so he's okay to go out but she's not okay to go up. Both of them should not go out believe me. We don't know.

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Absolutely

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yes. That's I will never let my son at when I am on line 20 Because you don't know what's on that on those things. And both are my I don't like the word responsibility but both I will be asked about and he may make a different mistake that she makes true but both of them are not pleasing to Him. That's what culture comes in. Very clear one right what else in culture

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I'm sorry

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let's talk about Golden Girls Not Enough talking about other things will one day we'll do a lecture about culture and religion. But let's talk about in raising children. Boys and girls typically which

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girlfriend and boyfriend it's okay for him to have a girlfriend but it's not okay for her to have a boyfriend who said so? Who shut down both she should not period period there is no effing but both lower your gaze both read the Quran is not my words. Lower your gaze, no intermingle. No free mixing both let him go and do whatever but she doesn't because she's a girl. Then then this is not religion. This is typical culture both both you need to protect him as you protect her and protect her as you protect him. She needs to get good education he needs to get good education.

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She wants to go and become a writer right somebody recently says writer and I said why not a Muslim writer Yola, if she likes to beautiful thing, why not?

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You know what I we need to change this and this is where culture comes in. It's always look at is this professional service now is what she is doing what he is doing is allowed by

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then I'll find

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both are the same. This is all the comments here

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for Absolutely not. And absolutely he is not true. Neither the boys have gotten the friend or the girl has a boyfriend.

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I'm sorry, this is where I am Muslim. This is where I put the barrier between my the culture of the country and my religion. Because I told you this is based on what Allah says, you go to the Muslim world they have the same thing. Is that okay? No, absolute what Allah said, I always tell people Allah said so Savannah Ravana I hear and obey. Allah didn't say that I look into the court also in front of the court of what is the culture as long as the culture does not contradict religion, you follow just because you are living in

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that's, you cannot separate completely Of course you will communicate like

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I worked last night, half of the colleagues with me with men. That's where you'll learn how to deal with men. You need to know how to speak to men how to put the barrier how to with the private space, we call it, and you don't do any, this is what you need to teach the cop and the boy. Both. Both Yes.

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That was when we have to leave the medical haters, I see that

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about

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the American law that we're

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at

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into our team

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so for us, I think

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because it's sometimes

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that okay, if you keep pushing me to

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keep on this

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is alright.

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I'm not talking about my fit.

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This is very,

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like a word for us. When?

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When do you have to stop?

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Giving?

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I mean, when you mentioned

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what's

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so I think, I don't know, what do you think about when, when, as a moment like that, I have to start saying what you can do?

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That's very good question. It's in its reality, how the question is painful reality.

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You need to know when you come and live in this country, there is things which is the norm of this country. And it's very abnormal for us, religious wise, and cultural ones, but it's very normal. You know, what's the norm, most of you work? When you see your friend, colleague, your male colleague, they hug each other? It's no, it's not boyfriend, girlfriend, this is the norm, you have to go back and say this, and then they know.

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Otherwise the norm they come and hug you normally come back from vacation. That's normal, normal by age 18. They keep saying to each other, you still live with your parents?

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That's how they talk. Yes, that's the culture. Two things I need to know. I can change people on your life change. I need to when I brought them here, and I'm raising them here. I need to know reality of this culture. Can I change the culture? The answer is no. Can I buy my work by the blessings of Allah subhanaw taala maybe they will maybe they will not leave of good possibility but get ready for that. Your job in front of us is to raise them as a good Muslim. So when they are out there by themselves, they do things on because they are afraid of you because they want to please all of us.

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So if you leave them in the jungle, they're pleased and you can leave them in the college in whatever they are pleasing God. That's number one. What you will need to do

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is engrave in them. The love of Allah not the fear. Don't use the word Janam punishments with all this it doesn't work they will literally lived.

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Engraved on them the love of Allah engraved of them why we are here, and you need to practice this before them. They need to see anyone that religion is number one in your life. That's when the alarm comes in. And you're washing the dishes you leave the dishes because it's

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or what you are on the phone or you're watching so when they get to age 18 majority of them they will move up there studies I can't do it. Again because of the age here. It was done on Muslim boys and girls in colleges. The numbers are our fear any it makes you wonder scary. The numbers. This is a true study was done their behavior on Muslim college students, then you don't think they are protected unless you engrave it in them and you practice? Have I seen examples? Amazing. Yes, I

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have. I see parents who are amazing. But Allah does sit down with the children. Yes. And I've seen the opposite. I've seen opposite. I've seen people say I'm sure you were adopted. No way this is all your parents. How completely not practicing. You wonder how this but the norm is what you plant in your home. This is what I'm going to say to everybody. Plant in your house, actually plant in your heart. And I'm talking to the mothers, the love of Allah. You do things to please him. You don't do things because he said no, not because of any human

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The culture or whatever,

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the way you dress, the way you speak, the way you interact is what pleases the doctor sees you. This may be not at age 18, but you will be like this girl. At one point she grew up and go back because she saw him. But that's one of the issues of this country. Absolutely. Independence. They feed them in schools is I this culture is the culture of AI. Those of you who grew up here, you know what I'm talking about? I did it this how they tell you, I did it. Mom said this to you, you go and do that. This is how it is, I am against the flooding. And I need to fight with love. And with my connection to Allah and the only one who will protect them is not you. It is him.

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And the warning level relationship with him the more your children will be. I have many people come to me complaining about their children, with all what you can think of my first question is what disobedience for wives in that house?

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What disobedience in that house, not outside source of income. What do you watch? Who do you interact with? Do you practice yourself? All of these and may Allah protect everybody? Don't be me. You have to stop I think so.

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does happen Allahu Allah. May Allah reward everybody in the Islamic Center of our mind and everybody who came and enjoyed it. I hope you did. Well was fantastic. Forgive us all. It was fantastic. It was all stone Subhanak a lot more

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stuff to cover. So I'm gonna say no, how many what are the most interesting?

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Morning