How to Handle Rebellious Teenagers I Islamic Parenting

Haifaa Younis

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Channel: Haifaa Younis

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AI: Summary © The struggles of managing a rebellious teenage who complains about not wanting to wear certain clothing are discussed, including the pressure of parents on children to support their beliefs and the importance of parents understanding the reality. The speakers stress the need for parents to not be afraid of reality and not let anyone out of control, building a relationship with one another and not giving up on anyone. The process of Islam is a complex and difficult process, but ultimately a way to build a strong foundation.
Transcript ©
00:00:00--> 00:00:11

This is a very tough one took me a while to answer, actually, and I'm going to read it. This will hit hard for many of you. How do you suggest managing a rebellious teenager?

00:00:13--> 00:00:23

wait to hear a 14 year old who's currently anti anti everything her parents likes, most importantly, Islam.

00:00:26--> 00:01:13

She complains a lot when we take her to stomach lectures refused to wear hijab in those settings, do we start taking her? That's the first question. She doesn't want to associate with the Muslim kids in her school. So she doesn't even try forming relationship with them. We are new to the area. So she doesn't have a lot of relationships yet. We have tried arranging get together with Muslim families with girls the same age as her. So far, she has not clicked with them, and is suspicious of our motives in inviting them. Now background, I'm glad she gave that before moving here. She had a couple of Muslim friends whose families are much more liberal than ours. He didn't give me detail.

00:01:13--> 00:01:23

We lived in an area for work with much smaller Muslim population and moved as soon as the chance to a larger metropolitan area in hopes she makes front.

00:01:25--> 00:01:32

I for now, that's the model for now, I backed off on directly mentioning Islamic things to her because she thinks all I do is lecture.

00:01:33--> 00:01:40

And I am just working on strengthening my relationship with her as a person. Now mother feeling

00:01:41--> 00:02:17

I feel so sad. Because I have tried my best since she was a baby to expose her to Islam from Sunday school with the Islamic classes, learning Arabic reading Quran and Islamic children books in home, listening to nasheeds making our holiday fun and festive and educational. Unfortunately, she is very attuned to what's outside society things. And she has picked up on the strains of anti Islamic sentiment and the situation. Do you have any specific suggestion what to do?

00:02:20--> 00:02:24

The breath right, exactly. That's how I did when I read it.

00:02:27--> 00:02:33

I'm not going to look here and says how many of you are not just kidding. This is very, this is very normal.

00:02:34--> 00:02:49

It's very normal. I can't tell you how hard it's becoming. For both. For the parents and for the children. Don't you think it's only hard for the parents, it's very hard for the children. They really want to please their parents, but the pressure on them it's very hard.

00:02:50--> 00:02:56

And I'm not defending them but it's real. It's free. Just click on tick tock

00:02:57--> 00:02:59

and see what they see.

00:03:00--> 00:03:10

The pressure, even IG all these influencers, right? Everything is against Islam. Everything is against Islam. So what do you do?

00:03:11--> 00:03:21

This is couple of things I said I'm like tried really to think hard. Number one, I'm just going to start from the from the end, the the result of the children is not in your hand.

00:03:23--> 00:03:40

That doesn't mean it's okay. These feelings are the result how the children will grow up, how they will turn is not in my hand or yours. You really have to live with this. Because the way we are attached to our children part of it is because they are my children.

00:03:41--> 00:03:49

So when people bring a negative comment about the child, you know who gets hurt first? The mother Why?

00:03:51--> 00:03:53

Why? Because I raised her

00:03:54--> 00:04:09

so as if they are criticizing me we need to move away from this. The children the anger is not in your hand Satan no Hassan is careful. And so even Abraham his father, lost calf.

00:04:10--> 00:04:32

So number one, and you have always literally in everything we do, the end result is not in my hand. Like I prepared all this and you all came in. Allah allowed it could have been that Allah will not allow this will not happen. So that's number one. Number two come to the reality. This is a 14 year old, which the hormones are on the peak.

00:04:34--> 00:04:57

Very sensitive. You do remember when you were 14? Right? May Allah help our parents? Yeah, I mean, we are we are adults, but we are not adults yet. Right. We think we know and I'm not putting them down but we all were 14 years old. We think we know reality. We don't know. Right? But we think we know especially these days everything is available. I go and read and I say it

00:04:58--> 00:04:59

and also some

00:05:00--> 00:05:20

actually living here, girls, especially more than boys, the issue of identity, who they are, I'm not talking about the other identity. I'm talking to them. Are they Muslim? Are they non Muslim? Are they practicing? Are they nonpracticing? Where do they fit?

00:05:21--> 00:05:26

The last a couple of times when I'm with the youth here? That's the commonest question comes out.

00:05:29--> 00:05:30

fit in.

00:05:31--> 00:05:32

This is what this girl is trying to do.

00:05:34--> 00:05:43

How easy it is, you go to a 1000 school 1000 Students school and everybody looks at you and make fun of you, Danielle, what can you be?

00:05:44--> 00:05:49

The reason I'm saying this, I'm not defending the girl, but I need parents mothers to understand this.

00:05:51--> 00:05:59

This is not back home when I knew you go to class, everybody is you and me. And we still had issues. This is his probably the only one.

00:06:00--> 00:06:18

So what do we do? Number one, you come to this, not comparing her with you. And what you were those days, it's not those days, not even 10 years ago, 10 years ago was much easier. I'm sure you all know this. If you have children who are like in their 20s Now, and you have teenagers now we think this is a different century.

00:06:20--> 00:06:21

Three,

00:06:22--> 00:06:26

and are easy to meet to serve. And may Allah make it easy for this mother, she needs to be very patient

00:06:28--> 00:07:19

and don't respond and let her leave her. Don't push her the more you push, the more she will go away when do you intervene? And you have to be very vigilant also. Because 14 years old is when people start doesn't know exactly right from wrong meaning the real, right? And then you are scared also this is your daughter, you don't want her to go to the extreme wrong. Pull away a lot of dua. Don't you ever give up on them at all, and never win, especially when you get upset? Because you know sometimes how they respond. And when the response you get so nervous, and you get so angry, don't you ever make dua negative? Because you don't know what en la and when Allah is listening, there is

00:07:19--> 00:07:27

a very famous, very famous, he just died recently actually, he wasn't agenda when I remembered I attended the Juma hotbar about that.

00:07:29--> 00:07:31

He was completely paralyzed.

00:07:32--> 00:07:42

One time he really upset his parents, he lied. And they knew he was lying. His mother said Go May Allah break your back.

00:07:43--> 00:07:44

He went diving

00:07:45--> 00:07:47

and he fractured his neck.

00:07:48--> 00:07:55

And he was completely paralyzed completely from here and he became one of the best die

00:07:56--> 00:08:34

because he always say it's my mother's DUA and the whole drama Hopper was about don't do do on your on the country or her lady. You know, we say this goal. May Allah guide you perfect. Perfect. When do you want or when someone says Allah IDIQ you say I mean, don't get upset. She just made dua for you. He said Amin, please Jambi. So make an honestly take it positive, make a lot of dua to your children. Now, number one, to me, number one, don't get upset anyone and especially the questioner. You need to be the example

00:08:36--> 00:08:39

the role model and I'm talking about the role model.

00:08:41--> 00:08:48

Your relationship with Allah has to be there, your dress code your Stan your Salah, right?

00:08:51--> 00:09:06

That what is that, that doesn't necessarily mean she'll follow you. But at least when you make your DUA, Allah who will respond and you know Allah who never let you down, because you turned to him and says, I did everything you want from me, not with the child, but with me and you.

00:09:07--> 00:09:16

In case again, I don't know the woman but in case and we all you need to go back because this could be the sign that Allah wants you back.

00:09:17--> 00:09:29

When Allah makes me go through difficult time, the first question I save, what do you what did I do? Don't blame people, what did I do? And show me your OB and show me what you want from me.

00:09:30--> 00:09:33

So look at yourself, make a lot of dua

00:09:35--> 00:09:41

keep reminding yourself the end result is not in your hand. Be very patient, pull back, pull back.

00:09:43--> 00:09:59

A lot of these this age boys and girls, right they want to do with their way, but also keep an eye because there's limit. You don't want them to go. But it is not easy. I had a friend of mine said I wish I can put them Don't laugh. She said I wish I can

00:10:00--> 00:10:03

Put them in the freezer from 12 to 18. I'll give them out.

00:10:05--> 00:10:11

Like, Why 80 She said at least this is that which is true. This is the toughest time.

00:10:12--> 00:10:20

So may Allah subhanaw taala make it easy and don't get I mean, again, it's easy said, Don't get upset. The best way is to be their friends.

00:10:22--> 00:10:27

If you are a person who the God comes to you when she has a problem, you're her friend.

00:10:28--> 00:10:33

If she goes to somebody else and say Tell mom, then you're not her friend.

00:10:34--> 00:10:43

Because she's worried What's your don't say when she comes to and says, I smoked today? I vaped don't say is this is my daughter?

00:10:45--> 00:10:48

Is this is what I and what people will say she will never say anything.

00:10:50--> 00:10:53

Change your face. Don't say it's okay. Because it's not okay.

00:10:54--> 00:10:56

Let's say let's talk about

00:10:57--> 00:11:03

I know everybody doing it. You don't any be be clear. Be frank, this is reality.

00:11:04--> 00:11:06

And let's talk about then she will open up to you.

00:11:08--> 00:11:16

So it's extremely important to build a relationship with it and it doesn't come at 14 it comes in much earlier. And may Allah make it easy.

00:11:17--> 00:11:25

Now this is a teenager question. And I put Allah make it easy. Again, it is not easy whatsoever. But Allah makes things easy.

00:11:27--> 00:11:38

This is a very tough one took me a while to answer actually, and I'm gonna read it. This will hit hard for many of you. How do you suggest managing a rebellious teenager?

00:11:39--> 00:11:50

wait to hear a 14 year old who's currently anti anti everything her parents likes, most importantly, Islam.

00:11:53--> 00:12:40

She complains a lot when we take her to stomach lecturers refused to wear hijab in those settings. Do we stop taking her? That's the first question. She doesn't want to associate with the Muslim kids in her school. So she doesn't even try forming relationship with them. We are new to the area. So she doesn't have a lot of relationships yet. We have tried arranging get together with Muslim families with girls the same age as her. So far, she has not clicked with them, and is suspicious of our motives in inviting them. Now background, I'm glad she gave that before moving here. She had a couple of Muslim friends whose families are much more liberal than ours. He didn't give me detail.

00:12:40--> 00:12:50

We lived in an area for work with much smaller Muslim population and moved as soon as the chance to a larger metropolitan area in hopes she makes front.

00:12:52--> 00:12:59

I for now that's the mother for now I backed off on directly mentioning Islamic things to her because she thinks all I do is lecture.

00:13:00--> 00:13:06

And I am just working on strengthening my relationship with her as a person. Now mother feeling

00:13:08--> 00:13:44

I feel so sad. Because I have tried my best since she was a baby to expose her to Islam from Sunday school with the Islamic classes, learning Arabic reading Quran and Islamic children books in home, listening to machines, making our holiday fun and festive and educational. Unfortunately, she is very attuned to what's outside society things. And she has picked up on the strings of anti Islamic sentiment in this situation. Do you have any specific suggestion what to do?

00:13:47--> 00:13:51

The breath right, exactly. That's how I did when I read it.

00:13:53--> 00:14:00

I'm not gonna look here and says how many of you are no, I'm just kidding. This is very, this is very normal.

00:14:01--> 00:14:16

It's very normal. I can't tell you how hard it's becoming. For both for the parents and for the children. Don't you think it's only hard for the parents, it's very hard for the children. They really want to please their parents, but the pressure on them is very hard.

00:14:17--> 00:14:23

And I'm not defending them but it's real. It's real. Just click on tick tock

00:14:24--> 00:14:25

and see what they see.

00:14:27--> 00:14:37

The pressure, even IG, they're all these influencers, right? Everything is against us now. Everything is against us now. So what do you do?

00:14:38--> 00:14:48

This is a couple of things I said I'm not trying really to think hard. Number one, I'm just going to start from the from the end. The the result of the children is not in your hand.

00:14:50--> 00:14:59

That doesn't mean it's okay. These feelings are the result how the children will grow up. How they will turn is not in my hand or yours. You really have

00:15:00--> 00:15:07

To live with this, because the way we are attached to our children part of it is because they are my children.

00:15:08--> 00:15:16

So when people bring a negative comment about the child, you know who gets hurt first? The mother Why?

00:15:17--> 00:15:20

Why? Because I raised her.

00:15:21--> 00:15:36

So as if they are criticizing me, we need to move away from this. The children the anger is not in your hand, Satan, no Hassan is Catholic. And so even Abraham, his father, Raska.

00:15:37--> 00:15:59

So number one, and you have always in, literally in everything we do, the end result is not in my hand. Like I prepared all this and you all came in, Allah has allowed it could have been that Allah will not allow this will not happen. So that's number one. Number two come to the reality. This is a 14 year old, which the hormones are on the peak.

00:16:00--> 00:16:24

Very sensitive. You do remember when you were 14? Right? May Allah help our parents? Yeah. I mean, we are we are adults, but we are not adults yet. Right? We think we know. And I'm not putting them down. But we all were 14 years old. We think we know reality. We don't know. Right? But we think we know especially these days, everything is available. I go and read, and I say it.

00:16:25--> 00:16:47

And also specially living here. Girls, especially more than boys, the issue of identity. Who they are, I'm not talking about the other identity. I'm talking to them. Are they Muslim? Are they non Muslim? Are they practicing? Are they nonpracticing? Where do they fit?

00:16:48--> 00:16:53

The last a couple of times when I'm with the youth here? That's the communist question comes out.

00:16:56--> 00:16:57

fit in.

00:16:58--> 00:16:59

This is what this girl was trying to do.

00:17:01--> 00:17:10

How easy it is you go to a 1000 school 1000 Students school and everybody looks at you and make fun of you. And what can you be?

00:17:11--> 00:17:16

The reason I'm saying this, I'm not defending the girl, but I need parents mothers to understand this.

00:17:18--> 00:17:26

This is not back home, when I knew you go to class, everybody is you and me. And we still had issues. This is probably the only one.

00:17:27--> 00:17:45

So what do we do? Number one, you come to this not comparing her with you. And what you were those days, it's not those days, not even 10 years ago, 10 years ago was much easier. I'm sure you all know this. If you have children who are like in their 20s Now, and you have teenagers now we think this is a different century.

00:17:47--> 00:17:47

Three,

00:17:49--> 00:17:53

and are easy to meet to serve. And may Allah make it easy for this mother, she needs to be very patient

00:17:55--> 00:18:46

and don't respond and let her leave her. Don't push her the more you push, the more she will go away when do you intervene? And you have to be very vigilant also. Because 14 years old is when people start doesn't know exactly right from wrong meaning the real, right? And then you are scared also this is your daughter, you don't want her to go to the extreme wrong. Pull away a lot of dua. Don't you ever give up on them at all, and never win, especially when you get upset? Because you know sometimes how they respond. And one day response, you get so nervous, and you get so angry, don't you ever make dua negative? Because you don't know what en la and when Allah is listening, there is

00:18:46--> 00:18:54

a very famous, very famous, he just died recently actually, he wasn't agenda when I remembered I attended the Juma hotbar about that.

00:18:56--> 00:18:57

He was completely paralyzed.

00:18:59--> 00:19:09

One time he really upset his parents, he lied. And they knew he was lying. His mother said Go May Allah break your back.

00:19:10--> 00:19:11

He went diving

00:19:12--> 00:19:14

and he fractured his neck.

00:19:15--> 00:19:21

And he was completely paralyzed completely from here and he became one of the best die

00:19:23--> 00:19:59

because he always say it's my mother's DUA and the whole drama Hopper was about don't do to our on your on the country or her lady. You know we say this goal May Allah guide you perfect. Perfect. What do you want? Or when someone says Allah unique you say I mean don't get upset. She just made dua for you. You said I mean, please Jambi. So make an honestly take it positive, make a lot of dua to your children. Now, number one, to me, number one, don't get upset anyone, and especially the questioner you need to be

00:20:00--> 00:20:01

In the example

00:20:02--> 00:20:06

the role model, and I'm talking about the role model

00:20:08--> 00:20:15

your relationship with Allah has to be there, your dress code your Stan your Salah, right?

00:20:18--> 00:20:33

That what is that doesn't necessarily mean she'll follow you. But at least when you make your DUA, Allah who will respond and you know Allah who never let you down, because you've turned to him and says, I did everything you want from me, not with the child, but with me and you.

00:20:34--> 00:20:43

In case again, I don't know the woman but in case and we all you need to go back because this could be the sign that Allah wants you back.

00:20:44--> 00:20:56

When Allah makes me go through difficult time, the first question I say, what do you what did I do? Don't lend people what did I do? And show me your OB and show me what you want from me.

00:20:57--> 00:21:00

So look at yourself, make a lot of dua

00:21:01--> 00:21:08

keep reminding yourself the end result is not in your hand. Be very patient, pull back, pull back.

00:21:10--> 00:21:24

A lot of these this age boys and girls right they want to do with their way but also keep an eye because there's limit. You don't want them to go. But it is not easy. I had a friend of mine said I wish I can put them Don't laugh.

00:21:25--> 00:21:30

She said I wish I can put them in the freezer from 12 to 18. I'll give them after.

00:21:32--> 00:21:38

Like why 80 She said at least this is that which is true. This is the toughest time

00:21:39--> 00:21:47

So may Allah subhanaw taala make it easy and don't get I mean again it's easy said Don't get upset. The best way is to be their friends.

00:21:49--> 00:21:54

If you are a person who the God comes to you when she has a problem, you're her friend.

00:21:55--> 00:22:00

If she goes to somebody else and say Tell mom then you're not her friend

00:22:01--> 00:22:10

because she's worried What's your don't say when she comes to and says I smoked today? I vaped don't say is this is my daughter

00:22:11--> 00:22:15

is this is what I and what people will say she will never say anything.

00:22:17--> 00:22:20

Change your face. Don't say it's okay because it's not okay.

00:22:21--> 00:22:23

Let's say let's talk about

00:22:24--> 00:22:33

I know everybody's doing it. You don't any be be clear. Be frank, this is reality. And let's talk about then she will open up to you.

00:22:35--> 00:22:43

So it's extremely important to build the relationship with it and it doesn't come at 14 it comes much earlier. And may Allah make it easy.