Taboos regarding Divorce

Mufti Menk


Channel: Mufti Menk

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Episode Notes

Hong Kong 14/04/2019


WARNING!!! AI generated text may display inaccurate or offensive information that doesn’t represent Muslim Central's views. Therefore, no part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever.

AI Generated Summary ©

The importance of engagement in marriage is a combination of desire for a marriage and the desire for [unsure], as it is crucial for personal friendships to build. It is crucial to avoid loan originations and set a healthy lifestyle to avoid waste of one's life. It is also important to appreciate each other's behavior and set a good example. The importance of privacy and finding the right person is also emphasized. The topic of divorce is discussed as a last resort and may lead to divorce, but it is difficult to marry someone who is not previously married. The speaker emphasizes the importance of trust in marriage and not giving up on love.

AI Generated Transcript ©

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Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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Mashallah smilla rahmanir rahim In the name of Allah subhanho wa Taala the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful Alhamdulillah now praise is due to Allah Subhana Allah to Allah. Wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah Allah and he was happy he may we send blessings and salutations upon Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, his household, his companions. We ask Allah Subhana Allah to Allah to grant them, goodness to bless them, every one of us to, uh, to grant us every goodness, we definitely need it desperately. I mean,

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my brothers and sisters,

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the day we get married, may Allah make it easy for those who are not married to get married? Say I mean?

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I mean,

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okay, so panela

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I see some of the guys have married and still saying I'll be

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The day we get married, there is excitement. And a lot of excitement. People are happy. If you're not excited and not happy, please delay and postpone the marriage. Did you hear what I just said.

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And my beloved parents, a very interesting point we need to mention right at the beginning is if your children are about to get married and doubting the marriage, prior to it. Please be brave enough to put it on hold or even to call it off. Did you hear what I just said? People say but I prepare for the engagement. I prepared for the wedding. We sent out the invitations, people have done this and done that. How on earth can we break this engagement?

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Can I tell you what, break it if it has to be broken because it's cheaper to break an engagement than to let everything happen. And after a child or two, you're now divorced, and you knew prior to the marriage, that there's something wrong? How so you'd rather have the people and I have actually come across people who have converted

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a wedding party into just a normal meal, please come enjoy the meal and leave there was no longer waiting. So Kyla, but because we hired the whole we paid for the catering. Just come in enjoy this free meal and go away some kind of love. What's the big deal since the train set the pace, you're worried about what people will think of you if you did this, but I promise you, if you set the pace, people will follow you. And they will know what to do in the future. So the reason I start this way is when we were married, we should have been excited. The day of marriage should be a day of excitement a day when you can't wait for things to have, you know to get over and done with so you

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can be with your loved one. And that's it. So Hannah law your life begins. But sometimes you already knew that the Doom was beginning.

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Because you didn't want the marriage. I spoke about that yesterday. And I'm starting with it today. Because there are a few things I still need to say that I didn't say yesterday

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right at the beginning.

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If your child didn't want to marry, who you forced them to marry or who you pressurize them to marry, who is to blame?

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You are to blame as a parent.

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So right at the beginning,

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if you knew something is not 100% here, put it on hold. Hold it Wait, I'd rather have the issue now than later on.

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People get engaged

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for the engagements to break.

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You might disagree with what I just said, right? People get engaged at me worded differently, people get engaged, to give you a chance to maybe break it before the marriage in case it needs to be broken. What else were you engaged for?

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Just for wasting time I was at school, you're at school, so we wasted our time and we waited well, while you were at school, I found out a few things and I no longer want to marry you. Thank you.

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So don't mix the two to be married and engaged are two totally different things. We need to learn to be brave enough to do things the right way and not the common way.

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Sometimes, it's common to do things in a certain way. So we do it that way. Like I said yesterday, I started off I mentioned one point and that point was quite clear.

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When I said, People make it very difficult for others to get married, when you want to get engaged, I spoke about how we have to bring gifts and parcels, and various other things and lots of money is spent only on the engagement.

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A few days ago, I was invited at someone's house in another country without making mention of which country it is, for my respect of this of them. And I said, Wow, so many people are invited to this, you could have at least told us I could have organized for a few people who can't afford a walima for us to actually have this as their function. Because sometimes we spend more money on just a little get together of food than other people spend on their entire weddings,

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their entire weddings, be mindful. And the opposite is true. Sometimes we spend more money just to confirm a marriage prior to the engagement. We all fly to one country somewhere across the globe in order to say you're engaged now. And in the process. There was nudity in the process, there was transgression against the commands of Allah, they may have been alcohol, intoxicants, adultery, and everything else happening. But that was just a party. What was it was a party.

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There's a way of pronouncing it by the way. That's how it was. That's what it was. And what will you be? Oh, they're getting married. So everyone drops their God? They What? What type of a god deal? Are they dropping? Why? Because we're enjoying they're getting married. You they're gonna get engaged when after two weeks. But now we just flew to Fiji Islands in order to try and I'm giving an example. No advice to Fiji. But I'm just saying, I don't want to name the places because I don't want to give you ideas, right? But they fly across the world to do what they got engaged. Take it easy, what Baraka Do you want the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him says keep it simple. The

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simpler it is, the more blessings they will be, you really want something reach out to the poor with your money, don't blow it and waste your money. It will be void of blessings. What do you want in your life, I want blessings. I want to be content with whatever I have.

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I may never be a billionaire. But I could be

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in non material things.

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even higher than a billionaire.

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So you have all these small cultures that amount to something massive and difficult such that people feel embarrassed to get engaged. They can't afford it. They can't afford it.

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Because why everyone on my street when they got married, they did this. They did that they did that they hired cars. They hired this, they bought this, they bought gifts. They gave gifts to this person and that person and everyone else. And you know what? We can't do that. So now what? Well just hold on, keep on committing adultery until the day we can afford it. That's what you're saying. In other words,

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and what else? Then the engagement happens? Like I said, I don't even want to go to what haram happens. People have a night prior to the engagement. I'm not talking yet of the Nika I'm talking have an engagement. And they started doing things and saying suddenly, because someone is planning to get married. It's like, it's like we think Allah is telling us just do whatever you guys want. You're happy and excited. Lose yourself. And that's a good party.

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That's what people are doing well, lucky. They're doing this. And they're doing it from good homes. Good homes. Forget about who you are, why

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is someone getting married?

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And then the engagement happens, like I say massive place and huge decoration. Just on the decoration we spent 1000s one wonders, where did the money come from? If only you could know the anchor would tell you I had to take a loan from HSBC. So it's a fact people are taking loans while to try and impress the in laws that I've got money. Yeah, that's all to try and impress other people. You took a bank loan to throw a party. You should have spoken to Dr. Mohamed Salah, we would have made you some eggs, scrambled eggs, yo you will be happily married will even teach your husband how to make that.

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You bring you breakfast in bed once a week. Sharla

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You didn't need to do that recently, there was a brother from a good family. He said, You know, we're having a very small function with only my family and that family. And there are 10 people from each side and the 20 of us are going to get together and we're going to eat together. And I said, Wow, let me stand up and give this man a big hug. I told him You did the right thing. And I can suggest something else for you. What I said you can buy these little plates

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You know, small plates, plastic or glass, whatever you want 100 of them. And you can fill them with sweets and chocolates and whatever else you want and put a little bit of, you know, they call it the cling wrap around it right. And you can put a sticker on there. On the occasion of the marriage of Fatima to Abdullah, this date, we request your app and distribute that not only in the masjid, but give it to your friends one after the other. When you see that, hey, you know, we're getting married on this day. There was nothing, no big deal about inviting the whole world we're lucky we have a disease. The disease is twofold. We feel like we're, we feel obliged to invite everyone we know. And

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that's not the sooner everyone you know, you have to invite them. That's a culture. That's a culture you do not have to invite everyone you know. And the second problem we have is we feel bad when we are not invited. That's another problem. What they got married, it will bring why I didn't taste the Biryani.

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Yes. So we have a disease both ways. We have a, we have a very bad culture of believing all the people I know need to be invited. You can invite your close family and close friends and that's it. Those who are second order third order, they don't need to be invited. But if you can afford it, then we'll talk about it in a few minutes. Then we will tell you what you can do Mashallah.

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You don't ever go out and get a loan from the bank. In order to get married. You don't. That's wrong. You adjust the size of your function and your marriage to something affordable. You must be thinking the topic is divorced. Why are you talking about I told you yesterday they were things I didn't say I'm gonna say them today number one. Number two, all this contributes to the success of your marriage or its failure. According to the Hadeeth

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if you are a blessed person imagine well I know of more than 20 cases. 20 is a very, very conservative number of marriages that have been broken beyond repair.

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Yet the bank loan is still going to take another few years to pay back so your marriage is over. But I'm still paying I'm still paying I'm still paying while while the marriage is over. But all the biryani we fit the people there, the decoration and everything in the grand venue that we hired there. What happened to it? That's why I told you forget about the loan work on the marriage rather than the wedding. Work on the marriage rather than the wedding. How many of you believe that you must attend premarital classes?

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I'm telling you today is a call. Okay? You need to introduce it premarital classes. Do you know why? This generation the bulk of them don't know why they're getting married? They don't know what the responsibilities are. Recently, I did a little video and I posted it up on YouTube. It was just an Instagram Live. And I spoke about something and people were telling me Wow, first time I'm hearing this, I said you know, when do you think you're ready to get married?

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When you can wink at a girl and she can blush at that wink.

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Is that what it is? No, not at all. When you know how to respect the opposite sex, when you know how to serve people, when you can sacrifice when you are patient when you are ready to build when you are ready to build each other. And when you're ready to be able to serve people in a way that you are selfless to a certain extent. And when you're not when you've actually worked on your character and conduct such that

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it would be a pleasure to live with someone who's slightly different from you in thinking in likes and dislikes. And it's just something that you're going to enjoy. A lot of us are very selfish, very self centered, everything should happen my way. I'm going to get married to him or to him and I will adjust them and they will change to me. Who are you? Who are you? You change yourself. That's what it should be. And yes, if they're doing something wrong, you need to have the patience to work on them, to work with them to give time to them to be able to see improvement.

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So what happens, we think, Wow, she's hot. Oh, he's a hunk. I want to get married. That's not Islam.

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Yes, you might want to have someone who's attractive at least. But trust me, the inner attraction should be greater than the outer attraction. That's what Islam teaches you. Because there comes a time in your life when we're loving. What your spouse looks like becomes irrelevant. You love them to bits and pieces because of the sacrifice they've made for you through their lives.

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I don't care what you look like anymore. I just know I love you more than I love anyone else on Earth. Why? Because we've lived together we've, you know, we've sacrificed for each other, we've built a life together. How can I be?

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You know, how can I fall out of love just because of a few pounds of weight you gained. And after all, they were my kids, you gave birth to Subhana, Allah.

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Allah forgive us.

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So my brothers and sisters, when that function at the beginning is tailor made, bearing in mind two things, number one is what pleases Allah. And number two is what is in line with your pockets. And you need to remember, even if you're a wealthy person, like I said earlier, yes, you may want to have a massive function, but keep it simple.

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There is no restriction as to the number of people you can invite, if you can afford it. What I spoke about earlier, was if you can't really afford it, number one, but if you can afford it, I can invite the whole village, I can invite the whole city. But keep it simple, because you know why it's not only about money and affording it's about setting a trend for others to follow.

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You're gonna set a bad trend, because your colleagues are gonna have a tough time getting their kids married, by the way, a guy like me with 10 kids, you know what's gonna happen? Allah forgive us wonder why I'm saying simplified, simplified right?

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Now, actually, I'm being real.

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So suhara law, you need to make sure that when you do something, you set a good example, if people say, look, this man was so wealthy, he had 10,000 people whom he has fed. But 9900 were actually poor people from that orphanage and this institution where the widows are, and that camp where all the refugees are, and the 100 people were just family members, and so on, where they had a little function. Oh, that's a trend. We said, if you could afford it, why not?

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Why not.

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But the Hadith of the Prophet second speaks about how that food of the walima people who don't want the food are invited to eat and people who need the food are not invited to it. Today, you go to a function, we've become health freak. 70. So what happens? He just touched the food. Two fingers, just touch it here. And then everything happened. A lot of it goes to waste your life. And those who are dying of hunger. They weren't even invited. They're the people who needed the food weren't even invited them. Have you asked the guys you invited? What would you eat? nowadays? We are all health freaks, right?

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Forget about carbonated drinks. It's a thing of the past, isn't it supposed to be?

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Forget about all sorts of you know, these desserts and everything else, you come with something healthy, that doesn't even taste so sweet. It'll be polished nowadays, I think with a lot of people way before that, which is unhealthy. But you know what, we have a bad habit. We will lay things out and laid out such that massive, you know, servings of food and no one's eaten it. And immediately after that it is thrown away in most cases. You know, I come from Zimbabwe, where food being wasted is not really an option. Because no matter what is left over, there will always be people. If you were to keep it in a nice way, pack it up in a proper, you know, in a proper hygienic way. People

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are ready to take that.

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But there are countries first world countries where you won't find any way to give. I remember when I went to the UK, and they were throwing food in the bin. And I said Why are you doing this? They said but what are we supposed to do with it? I said can you just give it to someone on the street? I said who on the street. So how the law so there are some communities where they just have to throw it away. I'd rather you have less food and people go away saying Mashallah. It was good, then to have so much that you get the curse of your own maker for wasting food.

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So remember the functions we have play a big role in our Baraka. Baraka means blessings, many people don't believe in blessings. What's that all about? I promise you a day will come when you will realize what that is all about. a day will come when you will know that you were made by a maker. And that maker has set rules and regulations for your contentment. After you lose yourself completely. You may realize that you know what, I need to find myself again. And I need to go back to this maker who's given me such beautiful rules and regulations. I didn't need to reinvent the wheel rather I just took it and I benefited from what the almighty already sent down to me. And this

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is where I got the Baraka from.

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So Subhan Allah

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We spoke about how important it is to help our children marry those whom they are compatible with. And not just force them to get married to your relative or your cousin or your this or your that, you know, every day, including today, every day, including today. We have people who complain about how they have been married off to those whom they will never compatible with by their parents.

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And I sometimes feel like

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you know, penalizing these parents but I don't know how to.

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We just have to pray for them. May Allah guide them? And people are saying no, no, what do you I promise you when you are second, third generation in a country like this, to thinking is different leave marriage issues to the new generation, who they're going to marry, let them choose Subhana Allah, you can guide them if you're really a person is up to date with what's happening. But you can't let someone marry a person who was never in their dreams.

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Everyone's got a dream.

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You, the young girls today and the boys if you were to ask them, what type of a spouse do you want? And my beloved parents asked me, ask your own children. What type of a spouse do you want? If they are, if your communication is good enough, and they're free to be open with you? They'll describe someone

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you need to know help them find that someone with a little bit of guidance if they're wrong in what they are dreaming of. Little bit of guidance. But don't come and say no, no, no, no, no, I will choose who you're going to marry. Daddy, you've already made a mistake. The way you fight with mom. Crazy. You made your blunder. Don't make me repeat that blunder, please. It's a fact. Many parents have made a mistake. They've married people whom they're not compatible with. But because they lived in the 60s and 70s. You know, they just had to live anyway. That's what it was.

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It's different now.

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Generations change.

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So we're happy the day we get married. Mashallah, here comes the nikka. Simplify, try and have it in the masjid. There is blessings. Try and have it in the masjid. There is blessings simplified, keep it very simple, straightforward. Don't delay it unnecessarily. People say we're engaged. When are you getting married? About five years from now? Five years. That's a period to commit Zina, right. It's a period to do wrong. That's what you did. That's all you should be ashamed of yourself. Five years for what?

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What, five years for what?

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gets the niqab done? People say but you know, then what? No, they don't have to live together immediately. At least you did something halaal you will protect them from the devil.

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But no, they're young and whatever. So if they're young, then why did you get them engaged from now for what? Don't? They might change their minds in five years? They might not want the same person in five years? revisited in five years? Do you still want to marry the same guy? I know that I really don't. You don't know what's happened in five years. In one year person can change in two years they can change. Why are we making the same mistakes again and again and again. And we're being told but still making the same blunders.

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So we simplified this Nika, beautiful function, according to our means the pleasure of Allah. Like I said last night, Allah gives you a day of happiness, make him happy on that day.

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Allah gives you the day of happiness. Don't do something wrong on that day. Just do it properly. When I've attended functions of nikka, and I always tell them you know what, this is actually a spiritual religious function. Although you're eating food, and you're celebrating, it's a spiritual religious celebration. Keep it within what pleases Allah. You'll be happy. You'll be very happy.

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But Masha, Allah tabarrok Allah today what's happening? We make decisions based on materialistic factors more than anything else.

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We tell our daughters you cannot marry in that family because what do they have? Those are the poor people.

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My brother, if beloved Nora, ba Viola I know whose footsteps were hurt in paradise had to come and ask for your daughter. You are one of them who would say no, you too black for my daughter? I promise you, but he is the one who is going to be in gentlemen. He will take the daughter of yours inshallah. Two Gentlemen. You follow what I'm saying?

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But no, we've never thought of it. I said it yesterday. I'm repeating it today.

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So because our whole focus was on something that comes and goes

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The marriage is not founded on a stable foundation.

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How many of us are wealthy tomorrow we have no wealth.

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How many of us are good looking, tomorrow's it's gone.

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How many of us have a powerful post tomorrow, we're fired.

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How many of us have so much in the next day, there's nothing. But how many of us

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are religious

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and have great character.

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And the next day, it just goes,

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it doesn't go so quickly. It builds as you grow older. Yes, there are some exceptions where you do have a few people who might quit, for some reason, but that's not the norm. That's not everybody.

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The numbers are far smaller, but aging, we all 100% of us.

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So Han Allah.

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So remember, when you build it on that foundation of character, and Dean, the issue of divorce is less likely to come about when both parties have the same concerns.

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Marriage is about sacrifice. It's very, very hard work. That's what I tell people. Marriage is so hard that when you get into it, you realize, look, this is not just a full time job, but it's actually very challenging at the same time.

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Let's learn to appreciate each other, every small difference we have should not be a point where we say right, I want to go home, the divorce. And that brings me to some of our parents who spoil us so much that they have never prepared us to sacrifice. You could be wealthy. Sometimes people will never get along with your children because you know what, they didn't lift a spoon in the house.

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They don't know how to.

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And they won't.

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I believe the bedding that you sleep on, should be fixed in the morning and your bed should be made by the one who slept on that bed.

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Your children no matter how many people you have, as helping hands in the home, no certain things they should do on their own.

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You don't just leave things alone, they must do it on their own. In fact, they should take turns to clean up the house. A day may come when they will need it. They might shift to a country where that's the norm. And they'll say what you mean. I must clean here, here.

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What are you talking about? If you're not gonna clean it? I'm not gonna clean it. We're gonna just live like shrimps.

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It's like cooking for example.

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I've had people come to me arguing about whose job is it to cook I said whoever's job it is to eat.

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That's the right answer.

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Do you want to eat Yes, make a plan. That's it. You either take turns or one of you does it and the other one thanks them and shows appreciation in a different way.

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Maybe one is a breadwinner and the other one actually makes that bread luck but it's possible maybe both are breadwinners and they take chance. I know a families they say look one week you sorted out one week out sorted out let's see how it goes. So what

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Yes, I know there are people sitting and looking at me know that his wife john.

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I know. But the best chefs on earth and a male's

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see nodding your heads. The sisters are saying just say yes it's in your favor.

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So had a lot, it's a pleasure. It's an honor.

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You know, my little daughter Subhana Allah I, my wife always says, Would you like some tea? Would you like some coffee and have some tea and then she makes me a cup of tea and, and the little kids watch this. And we don't even realize this. So Subhanallah my daughter went to school, a grade one two at that time. And at school, they were talking about what your dads make. So someone says, Oh, my dad makes breakfast for us on a Sunday. Someone says my dad makes pancakes. Someone says my daughter comes, you know, my dad, he can't even make a cup of tea. He's got to tell my mom.

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And I was so embarrassed because that's not true. It's out of love. So that's a fact it actually happened. And I was like, gosh, I couldn't go and pick her up from the school for a whole week after that.

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Well, so Hannah and Allah forgive us in fact,

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but it just goes to show what law he might beloved brothers and sisters You know, when you are prepared to sacrifice and both husband and wife are prepared

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to work on

00:30:00--> 00:30:03

Putting a smile on the other's face your marriage works.

00:30:04--> 00:30:47

I can't believe people who scream, shout and yell at each other. That is not on. You're not a true movement. You don't believe in Allah? Because if you did, you would know that Allah has told you through the blessedness of Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam that the best of you is the one who's best to their spouse. How can I be a true believer? When I'm not the best to my spouse? I'm yelling and screaming, I'm swearing I'm accusing. I'm abusing and everything else and I'm supposed to be Allahu Akbar. First, some first stuff. What hypocrisy is that? Even if you were in the last sub, but you treated your family Well, in the eyes of Allah, you are in the first song

00:30:49--> 00:30:50

in a different way.

00:30:53--> 00:31:02

And this is hypocrisy. People think to be religious means you must be hard in your house. You're the boss of the house. What's the boss Subhanallah

00:31:03--> 00:31:05

the last I knew it was a little spray of perfume.

00:31:07--> 00:31:09

Allah subhanho wa Taala. Grant us ease.

00:31:10--> 00:31:22

My brothers and sisters Be humble we saw when the prophets of Salaam when they asked about him to his family, what did he used to do in his spare time? You know what they said?

00:31:24--> 00:31:27

He used to help his family members in their chores. That's a true answer.

00:31:29--> 00:31:41

He used to help his family members in their chores used to go out and milk the goats is to go out and bring something he used to come and help clean his job, whatever else that helping with the chores includes everything. How many of us do that?

00:31:44--> 00:31:49

So panela if we're ready to sacrifice, things will happen.

00:31:52--> 00:32:10

But the difficulty is one small problem. And the first statement that we were trained to say I don't know whether it was by the soaps that have been that we've been watching, or whether it was by what our parents have taught us or our friends or peers or whatever else it might have been. We just say I want to divorce I'm going home. That's it. I'm out Why?

00:32:12--> 00:32:13

There's no even reason.

00:32:14--> 00:32:17

How could you have looked at me like that in front of my friends?

00:32:18--> 00:32:21

What look, some handle, I don't even know.

00:32:22--> 00:32:25

But these things are happening for no reason.

00:32:27--> 00:32:31

I was in the Philippines a few days ago. And I mentioned something

00:32:33--> 00:32:38

about a true story where a divorce happened because

00:32:40--> 00:32:52

just after the function after that wedding function, there was an argument as to which Rolls Royce to go into the one arranged by the girls party or the one arranged by the boys party.

00:32:53--> 00:32:56

And voila, he because of that, they divorced.

00:32:58--> 00:33:04

I know of another one where this is quite an old one. A divorce happened because at the function

00:33:06--> 00:33:25

the man says to his new bride, please pass the salad, you know, like the salad the greens from the other side of the table? And she said no. He said what he said no, you get it. And it became a big argument. And palace was just blurted out like it's just a joke, you know? Like it's a joke. Over salad. Come on salad

00:33:28--> 00:33:47

Subhanallah in my mind right now I can imagine ways of converting that conversation and that argument about the motor vehicles into something so romantic, it will not be forgotten. They asked me which Rolls Royce I'd say forget about Rolls Royce as we walk in together today. Yeah. Well, it's raining. Do you need an umbrella? No, we'll walk in the rain.

00:33:49--> 00:34:05

You can convert things into something really romantic. But we don't think that way. Marriage is not a battle to try and prove who's the boss. We are both responsible in our own ways. And I loved what one of the scholars recently said about responsible.

00:34:06--> 00:34:14

You know when Allah says arigato, como una Allah Nisa, people say, oh, men are bosses over the women who said that's the translation.

00:34:15--> 00:34:37

Men are responsible, you know what responsible means? Well, one of the scholars recently said something very interesting. If you cut that word you find it has two things in it. response and able, you must be able to respond to every situation, then you're a real man. If it's done in a positive way, wow, I was impressed.

00:34:40--> 00:34:57

If you're not responsible, you're not able to respond in a proper way to the challenges that you face to things that come in your direction. You're a man, you're a real man when you know how to respond and defuse situations, deal with them positively so that the problem is resolved.

00:35:00--> 00:35:00


00:35:05--> 00:35:29

I'd like to hope that we can actually sacrifice and the reason I say this is we rather invest in speaking about how to build marriages than to then speaking about divorce being permissible, because yes, it is. And let me tell you, if someone were to say, is divorce allowed in Islam? The answer is yes, definitely it is. As a last resort.

00:35:30--> 00:35:46

That last resort doesn't mean after you're better than bashed and blue and you've lost an eye. And then last resort. Okay, I need to divorce. That's not what last resort is. Last Resort is, you know what, when you cannot, Brother You can you don't need to show that to me again, inshallah.

00:35:49--> 00:35:50

We're only allowed for not 10

00:35:53--> 00:36:28

SubhanAllah. You know what last resort actually means? When things have gotten so bad, that now you you cannot help each other. That's it, things are getting worse. Someone came to me today, explaining whatever they had, may Allah make it easy for everyone. And I said, You know what, if you set yourself a deadline by December, for example, I'm going to check this relationship. Right? If there is any improvement at all, then I'll remain in it and work on the rest. If it's getting worse, then I come out of it.

00:36:29--> 00:36:40

Because now we can't help each other. It's toxic at that point. If it is oppressive, you have every right to seek dissolution, to seek to dissolve that marriage.

00:36:43--> 00:36:50

Many people don't teach women what they need to know. And I'm going to tell it to you today. We're empowering our women, right?

00:36:52--> 00:37:32

At the point of marriage, you can actually ask for one person from your side to be given ownership of one of the three Deluxe so that in case a day comes when you need it, the guy doesn't hassle you by saying, I'm not going to divorce you and I'm not even I'm just going to leave you hanging, you can stay hanging and that's it. No, someone has got ownership of one of the deluxe, they can issue it without you. It's called Jeff, we have a Pollock that we meaning to hand over one time people don't know about it, they say what are you talking about? Go and find out, read about it, check, you can do that. You can grab the ownership of one of the three at any time after your marriage.

00:37:33--> 00:37:39

So it's not like you issued it, but you took it. three bullets. One is in my pocket, the other two are in yours.

00:37:40--> 00:37:43

So panela that's one way of doing things.

00:37:45--> 00:37:50

sisters who are here, put up your hand if you knew what I was saying, if you knew what I said, put up your hand.

00:37:51--> 00:37:54

See only a few three or four. The rest of them are like

00:37:55--> 00:37:59

Are you serious? Even Islam doesn't oppress women after all.

00:38:01--> 00:38:02

Second, secondly, let me tell you,

00:38:04--> 00:38:09

you have every right to apply for a nullification if any one of your rights are not being fulfilled.

00:38:10--> 00:38:51

The problem is our scholars May Allah bless them And grant them goodness, they delay so much in dealing with the matter that by that time you already suicidal and some have already committed suicide, and then only the first comes through first reason nullification. It's not a whole lot. By the way, hula is something that's, that's different. I'll explain that too. First means without the involvement of the male, if he is doing something wrong, you have a right to apply to the scholars who got you married, or to the court that got you married in the case of an Islamic place to nullify the marriage because it's defeating the whole purpose of you having gotten married. So what they

00:38:51--> 00:39:02

will do, they'll contact the man and try and confirm and perhaps try to help him deal with the situation if they cannot. They're supposed to issue a nullification whether the guy likes it or not.

00:39:03--> 00:39:08

It's called the first how many women knew about what I just said, Now put up your hand.

00:39:11--> 00:39:14

Thank you, again, just about four, five, to see

00:39:16--> 00:39:18

how many men knew about what I just said now?

00:39:20--> 00:39:26

They knew about it. Gosh, look at this. They knew about it all along. So Allah May Allah forgive us.

00:39:28--> 00:39:29

Okay, what is a cooler?

00:39:30--> 00:39:59

a cooler is where the woman just falls out of love, for example, and that's quite a bad word. But sometimes it does happen where there is just a situation where I can't stand this guy anymore. And it lasts long and we try to solve it and we cannot. Or for some reason you just want out and it's not really a valid reason, right? He's invested a lot, but you just want to get out. So what you say is I give you back the Maha. Maha is the gift that you initially gave me. It's not a bride price. It's not a dowry in English. It's just a gift to me.

00:40:00--> 00:40:08

Gave me I give it back to you. And in return for that, I will be free from you as in I will get $1.

00:40:09--> 00:40:26

One salad that is actually irrevocable from them from that. The difficulty is a lot of us it was just $100 $500 What's the big deal? Because what am I gonna do with 500 bucks? That's the reason why in some countries, they say the Maha will be 10 million.

00:40:27--> 00:40:28

Did you hear what I just said?

00:40:29--> 00:40:31

Let's make it interesting Zimbabwe dollars, right.

00:40:34--> 00:40:39

And you know what? You pay, you pay now, as a gift

00:40:41--> 00:41:21

500. The rest of it is payable. If divorce occurs, whoa, all the rest of it is payable. Later, one day you say, look, I excused this, I excuse you from this, if you let me get out of this marriage. I never used to understand why do people have exorbitant mom. But when I started speaking to unreasonable men, who really they don't want the woman, they're not going to live with her. They don't they just want to fix her. And they just put her in the corner. And they say, right, that's it. They might already be married someone else but they fixing someone else. And you start thinking, gosh, if the mother was a million, and she gave back that million, he would have been happy to take

00:41:21--> 00:41:25

only half of it and say, take it take your luck and I'm out of here.

00:41:26--> 00:41:27

But no.

00:41:31--> 00:42:11

Number bar was so small. So people say no, I'll have the Maha I'll have you pay so much that it is not recommended. It's not sooner. It's against the teachings of Islam to take back more than the MA. Although there is a permissibility for it. If the woman saying look, I'm buying my freedom from you, I'm buying my pallet my divorce from you. And let's settle what's the settlement $30,000 say, okay, fine, I take it. If that's more than the Maha, it's actually greed. It's not recommended at all. There's no Baraka in what you've taken. You're supposed to be an honorable man, this marriage didn't work. And I really should why divorce you, and it's gone. But we think no, we can fix them up.

00:42:14--> 00:42:48

Allah make it easy for everyone. The reason I am saying this is just to educate you to know what your rights are. To know where you stand, you might have learned a thing or two, that's new today. And you might want to go and research about it a little bit more to find out what's going on. And to find out what the scholars have said, and I know of a form we have just at the time of the wedding, as you're assigning the wedding, what you call the nigga certificate immediately after that you sign the other page where you've actually signed the $1 off to the Imam so that one day he might want to, you know, at the request of the girl side, you might want to release her from your marriage for a

00:42:48--> 00:42:49

valid reason.

00:42:51--> 00:42:52

For a valid reason.

00:42:53--> 00:42:54


00:42:55--> 00:43:23

Now divorce happens for some reason, because we couldn't get along. Like I say it's permissible, but it's the last resort. We tried. As we were becoming disrespectful, we realize this and we've got to part ways. Can I tell you most of the Sahaba de la and home have been through divorce said it yesterday, right? Most of the Sahaba de la Anima been through divorce. They didn't make a big deal of it. That's why no one knows about it. People wouldn't have known. We make such a big deal the whole world knows.

00:43:24--> 00:43:43

And what's the big deal? We don't wish goodness for our exes after we're divorced. That's one disease that we face, especially when they were okay, but we didn't get along with them. We don't wish goodness for them, if they will. really horrible, terrible evil, oppressive, toxic,

00:43:44--> 00:43:53

then yes, we need to warn people about them. Sometimes, you know, one of your friends is about to get married to your ex. What a good friend. Mashallah. But

00:43:54--> 00:44:22

you have to at least say, you know what, I just want to tell you I'm not being funny, but this is what happened with me. I said yesterday, it's not a bad idea to speak to someone's ex before marrying them. Just to get an idea. It might be exaggerated, but you might just be enlightened to something you didn't know. You need to be broad enough. You are going to be hearing rumors later. Anyway, I'd rather hear it from the horse's mouth. Sorry, you're not allowed to call people horses. But anyway, I'd rather hear it from her mouth than to hear it from someone else's. Oh, he's.

00:44:25--> 00:44:29

So divorce has happened? Does it make me a bad person? No.

00:44:30--> 00:44:49

We were too good people we didn't get along. As the relationship became toxic. Some evil characteristics came about such that a lot of us would feel this is not who I was when I got married. When I got married, I was so calm, so cool, ready to face the world. Suddenly, my mother in law proved to be bigger than the whole world.

00:44:51--> 00:44:59

It happens. Life changes. I've had people who come to me and say, You know when you live when you want to have the old family together

00:45:00--> 00:45:38

Sometimes you in each other's faces, and that's not healthy at all. I always say you cannot have two Queens in one kitchen, so Han Allah knows the solution, get the qingzi. Mashallah, anyway. So I always say you cannot have two Queens in one kitchen. And if you have that you need to have a very, very big heart. And if that heart is not big enough, you're gonna fight you're bound to fight, you're bound to be, you know, to cross each other's paths. And when that happens, it's gonna spoil the marriage, because now there'll be a war between the mother and the wife of the same man. But there's no real war, it's all artificial. It was created because you didn't know where to draw the

00:45:38--> 00:45:42

lines. That's all you draw the line, and that's it up, okay.

00:45:43--> 00:45:48

That's why it's best to actually just live at a slight bit of a distance.

00:45:50--> 00:45:52

It doesn't mean you're not serving your parents.

00:45:53--> 00:46:09

It doesn't mean that. My beloved parents don't blackmail your kids into saying, well, who's gonna take care of me? You have to be here. It's like telling your son you got married now your wife will take care of me. Why are we supposed to take care of him first, Allah, May Allah forgive us.

00:46:12--> 00:46:37

So this breaks, the marriage becomes toxic. The point I was raising is while the problems start within the homes, we become people we will not if I were to ask and I'm not going to ask you, but if I were to ask, how many of us are married, and our character has deteriorated due to toxic living, and a lot of us would put up our hands Am I right?

00:46:41--> 00:46:47

I just see these little scared even the voices might be heard. Allah subhanho wa Taala forgive us but it's a fact I know.

00:46:49--> 00:46:52

And if you're not facing this situation, well thank Allah.

00:46:56--> 00:47:01

Now we look at the Prophet Mohammed Salah Salah when he wanted to marry who did he marry?

00:47:02--> 00:47:17

And before we look at that, who was he, the best of creation, the most noble of all prophets of Allah, the highest in rank at the time, the one who was known for his honesty for his good looks, Mashallah tabarrok Allah, he was known for being trustworthy, he was known as the man

00:47:18--> 00:47:22

most sought after so Panama, he was, who did he marry

00:47:25--> 00:47:27

a previously married woman.

00:47:30--> 00:47:35

How many men would consider a previously married woman, whether divorced or widowed.

00:47:36--> 00:47:48

And then we say, I follow the sooner I stand in the first step in Salah, here's my Salah. It's not wrong. But I'm saying don't think low of those who were previously married.

00:47:50--> 00:47:56

Your prophet and mind sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, his first choice was a previously married woman.

00:48:00--> 00:48:03

Allah blessed him to choose again, chose the same.

00:48:04--> 00:48:25

Allah blessed him to choose so many times, only once, only once. He chose someone who was not previously married. If there was anything wrong with a woman who was previously married, he would never ever have set such a powerful example, so many times.

00:48:28--> 00:48:55

But with us, it's a matter of convenience. One young man came to me when I once spoke about this, not as I did today, but in a different way, in a small gathering that was private. And we were speaking about, you know, getting married, and this guy was getting married to a person who was not previously married. And I was saying no, so madula. With the other guys were saying, Yeah, it's hard. And it's difficult to get someone who was married to but then how can you marry him? Because I said, at least they're experienced, they come with less problems.

00:48:56--> 00:49:00

They are experienced, what do you mean they experience it, they know they will take care of you. Because they know.

00:49:02--> 00:49:09

We never looked at it that way. So hon Allah. Well, Subhana Allah, with all due respect to those who are not previously married.

00:49:12--> 00:49:17

Today, the topic is being previously married. That's why I'm stressing this point.

00:49:21--> 00:49:23

To make it easy for all of us.

00:49:25--> 00:49:28

And I think the stigma is attached both sides.

00:49:30--> 00:49:51

Sometimes you have a man previously married, he's got one or two children perhaps and the father of the girl who's interested in getting married to the guy because he's a good guy says how I'll never allow you to marry this guy. Not only was he previously married, but he's even got two kids. What do you want to go into that for? You know what? The best from amongst us are those who have taken care of the children of others.

00:49:54--> 00:49:59

The best men, the most honorable from amongst us, is he who can take care of

00:50:00--> 00:50:01

The children of another man.

00:50:04--> 00:50:13

There are very few true men in this world. Very few. A lot of us, unfortunately, are very selfish. Notice I said a lot of us. I didn't say a lot of you.

00:50:14--> 00:50:15

And a man by the way,

00:50:17--> 00:50:59

May Allah help us and guide us all. And women to you may have a man who was previously married, yes, there is a little bit. But if you carry yourself with such respect, even if there was animosity at the beginning, inshallah it will diminish a lot of prayer, a lot of help a lot of sacrifice. I always tell people, if we're not going to sacrifice in this way, Allah will take that sacrifice in another way. Allah has guaranteed you that you're going to be tested. If it's not one plus one is going to be one minus one. If it's not, this test is going to be that test. So thank Allah for the tests that he has placed in front of you, and face the challenge willingly rather than coming out of

00:50:59--> 00:51:16

it and say, No, no, no, not this, Allah will give you a bigger issue, a major problem, an even bigger issue. If you think you're struggling yet you have a home, yet you have food, yet you have clothing, take a look at those at a refugee camp who don't even have a blanket to cover themselves from the snow.

00:51:18--> 00:51:21

And they're still saying Alhamdulillah we say all I'm tired of this.

00:51:23--> 00:51:28

It's a matter of understanding, looking at things from different perspectives.

00:51:30--> 00:51:32

So it's not wrong to be divorced.

00:51:33--> 00:51:37

But it's wrong to look at those who are divorced with an eye of skepticism.

00:51:40--> 00:51:51

And I haven't given you examples from everywhere. today. I've taken you straight back to our role model. straight back to his example, there can never be a more powerful example than his.

00:51:52--> 00:52:14

Another one. Take a look at his companions. Nearly all of them followed his footsteps. Did you know that? Go and study it. I don't have the time to go into it. By the way, the brother showed me a 10 minute thing a few minutes ago bought before I got up. You notice I spoke to the brothers here. How much time do I have? They said until Muslim?

00:52:16--> 00:52:18

Yeah, that's what they said. Am I right?

00:52:22--> 00:52:23

Allah make it easy.

00:52:26--> 00:52:42

It's a very important topic and I wanted to address it in a specific way. And I need to take a little bit long, because sometimes to build the topic, it makes the topic more meaningful. And sometimes we just come into people say well, a good speaker is supposed to get it in. Every day I come to Hong Kong Come on.

00:52:45--> 00:52:47

So my brothers and sisters we need to know

00:52:48--> 00:53:11

the biggest problem is the development of our own character and conduct and our own Deen. Hence, Allah says when you're choosing a spouse, choose carefully looking at the deen and the character, the level of closeness to the Almighty and the level of character. Do you know why? Listen, I live in LA and who is quoted to have said

00:53:12--> 00:53:20

xo Egypt netiquette Athenian in a baja Accra Maha. Were in a Baba Ha, ha. Amazing.

00:53:21--> 00:53:37

Get your daughter's married to those who are conscious of Allah. Why? If he loves her, he will spoil him. He will honor her. And he detests her. He won't impress her. At least he'll send her home. Respectfully.

00:53:38--> 00:53:57

Ask those who are struggling to get a divorce. When a man respectfully gives that divorce. Isn't he a man Mashallah. He didn't beat me. He didn't abuse me. Yes, we had differences when they got beyond the point when we couldn't get along. We respectfully parted ways.

00:53:58--> 00:53:59

Allah says, In San

00:54:01--> 00:54:04

Mateo in the city,

00:54:07--> 00:54:11

you either hold your spouse

00:54:13--> 00:54:25

in a common way, in a in an in the norm within the norm. You're you're married within the norm, but Allah says or if you are divorcing that divorce should happen.

00:54:27--> 00:54:55

With goodness, politeness, care and understanding the word for divorce. The description with divorce is a son, a son meaning goodness, and the description for living together his mouth mouth means that which is common that which is the norm. We live in together within the norm. It's beautiful. It's nice. We have good character, good conduct, etc. But if you're divorcing, you must be even more kind. In you're divorcing.

00:54:57--> 00:54:59

These are the teachings of Islam.

00:55:00--> 00:55:06

Today voila, he the non Muslims have happier divorces and our marriages

00:55:07--> 00:55:08

online. Did you hear what I said?

00:55:10--> 00:55:11

Pick up the papers.

00:55:13--> 00:55:20

I don't want to say the guy's name but one of the richest guys on earth went through a divorce, as though hi see tomorrow guy.

00:55:21--> 00:55:22

That's what happened.

00:55:24--> 00:56:00

And if it was a Muslim, you your mother, your father, your grandfather, grandmother, your uncle's your Auntie's your everyone else. As a result of this, no one speaks to them, you spitting on them, you cursing them, you go and visit which doctors in witchcraft and amines and teens and whoever else it is to curse them and to do magic on them. And there are a lot in the divorces need to happen not just because of you, but your relatives and families who are married in the family and no one ever in the future is allowed to marry anywhere near the family. Just because something went wrong between two people that were Muslim. No, we're not. When that's not Islam,

00:56:01--> 00:56:04

the whole tribe is already

00:56:05--> 00:56:06


00:56:07--> 00:56:15

cut off. Just because two people didn't get along, said what Islam taught you. But it's happening. It's happening in our societies, even today.

00:56:19--> 00:57:00

I remember one brother, and this is the good side of it. Divorced someone because he was busy having an affair with someone else. And he married this person due to pressure from his folks. And whatever else it was. And he realized I made a mistake. So he divorced her. You know, the father of this woman was so pious, he actually came to his ex son in law, to thank him to say, I want to tell you one thing. I know what you did was bad. It hurt me. But you didn't oppress my daughter, really. And they became buddies, they became friends. So hang on. He said, You didn't oppress my daughter. You actually I want to acknowledge the fact that you have lived with her respectfully and divorced her

00:57:00--> 00:57:02

Yes, with respect.

00:57:03--> 00:57:18

We would think that person is abnormal today. Right? But I know of this incident that has happened. Are we ready? If that were to happen in our families, to at least greet to talk to each other? The answer is no. We wouldn't even do that.

00:57:21--> 00:57:25

So remember, my brothers and sisters, that which we considered taboo,

00:57:27--> 00:57:36

is actually a times the proper way of doing things. But we don't we're used to we're accustomed to something that is toxic itself.

00:57:37--> 00:57:43

We are the problem. So I was saying when you have character and D, when does it show?

00:57:44--> 00:57:54

When does your closeness to Allah show. When does your character show Can I tell you when it shows when things do not happen your way then it shows

00:57:56--> 00:58:00

something goes totally against what you want and what you've,

00:58:01--> 00:58:04

you know, would have liked. When your true colors start showing.

00:58:06--> 00:58:42

You either get angry start swearing, start shouting, start accusing a lot of men guilty of adultery, quickly look at their spouses and accuse them of adultery in advance, just so that the day they get nabbed. They've already got one case against them anyway. It's happening. I'm a counselor for 20 years I've witnessed these things. Why? What are you accusing people that accusation is so dangerous that it will come back and rebound to you in some way or another the suffering that you will taste at the hands of Allah will be far worse than the suffering that someone else tasted in your hands?

00:58:43--> 00:58:45

So don't make people suffer suffer for one.

00:58:47--> 00:58:56

We're not meant to make animals suffer. We're not meant to make cats or dogs suffer. How can you make a human being you're married to suffer

00:58:57--> 00:59:04

or you were married to you had kids with suffer? And the last thing I want to say this evening before I close

00:59:05--> 00:59:07

there's still a lot to be said inshallah. But another time.

00:59:09--> 00:59:39

When we divorce those children belong to both, no matter how bad the father was he still the father, no matter how bad the mother was she still the mother, no matter how much you didn't get along. Those are still the parents of both of you. You have to put your pride aside and allow either the custody or the access with a full art with a full heart and don't ever contaminate the minds and hearts of those little children against either the mother or the father due to a divorce.

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Otherwise, the hand of Allah when it comes, trust me it is quite painful if it were to come with punishment.

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These children are an Amana. You brought them onto this earth by the help of Allah and His Divine Decree and wisdom.

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It's your test when the marriage didn't work.

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You look after those children. When the marriage didn't work, you make sure they are not deprived of whom Allah chose as either their mother or father. May Allah subhanho wa Taala help us become better people are good okoli hada sallallahu wasallam ah Baraka la Vina