Channel: Haifaa Younis
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Salam it Kumar from Allah would occur to Mr. Allah will hamdu Lillah wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah one early he was savvy woman what a Muslim name I am foreigner. One foreigner vema alum tener una casimiro Mooji with da llama Nia Oh the weekend en mulayam albula Sha one f single atish Bauer da la SMA urban Allah to superluminova it had a tener una Millennium Corolla in the capital hub have obesity solder us silly Omri watlow. Opposite and melissani of all only does that malarkey again for joining us this is our part two. This is part two of our two part series that we covered part one about two weeks ago where we had sister New Hampshire Giri joining us from California and I
hope you enjoyed as much I enjoyed myself we discussed five read the topic is 10 strategies of parenting based on Quran and the Sunnah and we enjoyed it so much that we finished only five
I mean melamine rock made it easy that she gave us another opportunity give us a life and gave us the internet and gave us the time so I it gives me a great pleasure to welcome again sister no hi joining us from California does Akela hi melody would you and I have to tell you it was taken very well hamdulillah we got a lot of positive feedback and we can check our social media we even made it as the five points she shared with us and she will not review it for all of us. We made it easy like small posters for easy reading and learning. So welcome so it's a pleasure to have you and see you again just like in love here doctor Hi. I'm very glad to be back here with you um I love I love the
spirit of conversation you know I love the you know the back and forth you and I you know sharing the idea so Baraka lucky.
So, we we just want to list all the five we mentioned last time, this is a good idea just to refresh our memories. Okay, so the first point we mentioned last time was for us parents to actually
utilize the beautiful, beautiful strategy of making dopt Allah subhanaw taala. And we talked last time, we mentioned the four dots in the Quran that are written in the Quran, Allah gave them to us beautiful jars that we can make for our children. So we're not gonna repeat them today. Let's find them and begin actually
memorize it by now.
The next one was to begin with your self. Then remember our whole focus in this series is about how do we train our children to be able to be resilient to be able to deal with the difficulties in life because life as we said last time, Allah subhanaw taala told us We're located in Santa Monica but that's that's what he told us he did not tell us that He created us so we can just be having pleasures and we can just be happy all the time. Like struggles and tribulations and suffering is part of so not Allah subhanaw taala in this life, and so, how are you modeling to your children how to deal with these difficulties? Because you are the first influencer like people nowadays talk
about social influencers
and they get paid a lot of money, right? amount of money, but you are actually the first and the most important influencer for your children. So what are you doing? What messages are you sending to your children about how you're dealing with life? And the third, the third point we mentioned last time was focusing on connecting your children with the love of Allah Subhana Allah and His messenger and we also specifically mentioned teaching your children from from, you know, from an appropriate age. Of course how to make dua Ancelotti, Lissa Hara prayer of Sephora.
I mean, for me personally, it's a lot of Sephora has been a refuge in many times in my life when I would be uncertain and I don't know what I need and what is best because we really are as humans, our knowledge and our wisdom is limited. So what a relief it is, to kind of like leave it to Allah like you you make. So this doesn't mean you're going to be passive. You actually think
about the situation, you analyze the situation, you come up with your options. And then you present these options to Allah subhanaw taala and your istikhara. And then you see what, you know, Allah subhanaw taala is open, what door is he going to open for you. So teaching your children this beautiful prayer is one of the beautiful ways of connecting our children with Allah in a loving way.
And the fourth point we mentioned was about beginning to teach children about the belief and other because unfortunately, I noticed in many of our young Muslim young adults, I'm not talking about children, I'm talking about young adults, Muslim young adults, they do not have a very full understanding of what this means and they don't apply it in their life. And so if you personally, as a viewer, you have questions about this belief in product other than I am inviting you to really go out and read about it, understand that ask questions, seek people you trust, because again, this this, this pillar of Eman Kadar is, again, one of the most important pieces in our foundation that
helps us to deal with the uncertainties and the difficulties of life. And we need to begin to teach this, this to children from an early age. And the last point we mentioned last time, was what life messages are you sending your children because every event in life is connected to a life message. So those were the five from last time?
So you are the example? Yes. Right? Yes.
connecting with the love of Allah three, and then four.
And then his life messages? What are you learning? And what are you teaching from the life? messages are lost? pantai listeners? Yeah, yeah. Because children pick up so many messages from their parents. Even nonverbal messages. Yeah. And these actually, the nonverbal messages sometimes actually more powerful than the verbal.
agree with you? Absolutely. It's like, if you, let's say, if you cook something and then turn to be very good, do I say oh, I did it? Or I say alarmingly. tz? Yes, yes. That's the message I'm giving to my children that it is not my power. It's not my whole it's not it's a law, when he learns that a lot brings in a lot takes also. Yes, yes. Beautiful. I love that hamdulillah
number six, Bismillah. Number six, Bismillah. So number six is routines.
in this age of technology, and we have all these lovely gadgets. So sometimes we think that, you know, routines are not necessary, because we can actually figure out things without having any systems in place. But routines are essential.
And, and we need to pay attention to them, especially in difficult times. And for different many reasons. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna begin by sharing a study that was done a few years back. So the scientists, social scientists, what he did is he, he, he collected, not collected, but he interviewed the mothers of 59. One month old babies, so 59 all of them are one month old babies. And he interviewed the mothers extensively. And he asked, he basically checked into when do they feed them? When do they play with them? When did they change them. And over the next 13 years, the scientist continued interviewing the mothers always checking into what's happening in their lives in
terms of routines, and also checking into the mental status of the children. So they found that babies at the age of one month and this is the imagine how early this is Jani. So babies at the age of one month, who had a more established routine and on top and of course, we're talking about routines with one month kind of like loosely because because they are one month old, but still, they have more dependable structure and more dependable routines because of the mothers. They were less likely to be anxious at the age of 10. routines are very grounding. They're very grounding for mothers.
For a pair for adults, and they are very grounding for children. So I want you to imagine life, from the point of view of the child, a child wakes up in the morning, let's assume a five year old, wakes up in the morning, family doesn't have a routine. So he wakes up, he doesn't know when he's going to have breakfast, he doesn't know if he is going out to play. Or if he is going to have an Arabic lesson or a Koran lesson. He doesn't know anything, he wakes up because every day is different. So this child wakes up already with uncertainty. And then he could start for example, nagging what's going to happen, when am I going to eat the proteins are very grounding. They answer many questions
for everyone, whether adults or children, without the need for exerting mental energy, or psychological energy into making last minute decisions. So highly, highly encourage that anyone who does not have routines in their life, whether for themselves, or for their children, to really start looking into that. Now, having said that,
routines are going to be different depending on the age of the child. So for example, I'm going to share with you a very, very
basic routine chart that, you know,
we created with my grandchildren, I have two of my grandchildren staying with us, right? They're gonna stay for for two months. So even though they don't live with us, but still two months, is it, it's not two days. So we sat down, and we decided we are going to create a routine. So how did we do it, I had their mother write down everything that happens in the day for for the children. So we wrote all of them without any specific order. Then we wrote, The hours from the time they wake up until the time they sleep. And then we started plugging in. So we take one of these things that they happen and plug it in with a specific time of the day. Um,
one more thing that we did and it's very important with young kids is we make the routine visual. So what does this mean? Subhan. Allah just happened by coincidence that my my grandson, my eldest grandson, he had gotten a get a camera, a real camera, okay? Not not, of course, not something sophisticated. But for children, that camera as a gift, so I, so we told him, we want you to go ahead and take pictures of the different items of the routine. And then we're going to paste that next to the times. And so he started doing that we actually printed those pictures, and then we started putting it so I'm going to show you, it's not going to show very clearly, but I'll show you.
So I don't know if you can see. Okay,
here we go. Yeah, so this is like the beginning here. We started with the wakeup time, which is I think it was
7am. So he decided to take a picture of his clock, and then brushing his teeth, and then what they have for breakfast. So all of this is happening, you know, between the hours of seven and eight. So basically, we had this big poster board. And we have the, the hours, the hours, and then we're plugging in different pictures for what is going on. So the kids because they don't know how to read yet. They can know they will know from the picture. Oh, okay, this is what's happening at this time. And
it's it's a very powerful, powerful idea for young children. It gives them
simple, yeah, it has, it doesn't need to be sophisticated. It just needs to be something that the kids can actually see and have access to. And it gives them a sense of power. Because they know what's going to happen. They know what to expect. It's it's a very it brings up a lot of safety. Because they know they don't have to worry, they don't have to think and it also actually minimizes a lot of a lot of problems. A lot of tension in the family because what happens is let's assume the child wants candy. Let's just assume Okay, it's 11am and he wants candy and candy time in the family routine is for in in our household actually it's after lunch, okay. So the answer is very clear.
Okay, you want candy? Yeah, no problem. After lunch, you're gonna have your candy, go look at your routine chart and see when lunch is gonna happen, you know, or see where we are. So it gives them even a visual of Okay, I'm at this step, I have maybe two more steps, and then I'm going to get to what I want. It's very powerful. So this is for young children, we do this visual routine to age
Or, like me,
um, you know, in my late 50s, okay, I have a routine, I have a very clear routine in my mind. And in my I have actually a calendar, I have a planner, if you will, not a calendar, I have a planner that I actually use.
Like you do, say by 10, if you have not done it yet, it's too late. Excellent.
Yeah. So excellent question. So
then, this is how roles begin to change, right? So as the children grow older, then we we start shifting more responsibilities to them, and our way of maybe influencing them changes. So for example, let's assume somebody and I'm going to give the extreme example. So let's just assume
somebody never did routines with their children. Okay. And now they have a 17 year old teenager, okay, I'm just giving you have the most extreme, like, you know, right.
was difficult, right? So now this teenager is not gonna be willing to sit next to me. Okay, so we can talk about routines, he will not. And, of course, if I were to have a discussion and say, oh, Habibi, you know, let me help you with time management, he's gonna go da Mom, I don't need any help with time management. But this is where I come in as this is where I have influence over routine, I have influence over when Dinner is served. I have influence over when do I turn off the Wi Fi, because I really inviting parents to take charge of electronics. And we're going to talk about that as the last point for today. But I have the power to decide when the Wi Fi or the internet is going
to be turned off at home. So these are pieces of the routine for the 17 year old and so I will put these in place because they are under my control. And I just need to communicate these to my child and say, Hey, Habibi, I know you know, you have your own schedule. What have you. I just want you to know dinner's served at whatever six or 7pm every every night and I expect you to be with us. I expect you to eat with us sometimes teenagers they say oh, I'm never hungry at that time. And I would really emphasize Yanni invite parents you say it's not about the food you don't want to eat it's fine. But this is our This is part of our family time. So I expect you to sit with us even if
you're not hungry.
And I know in some families teenagers are not going to listen they're not going to collaborate because unfortunately the connection was not established early on. So but just like we need to keep trying never give up. So if we go back to your question about a 10 year old for example, a 10 year old we could depending on him and how do we how how is he collaborative? Or is he rebellious? If he is a collaborative, we can sit with him and say okay, let's sit down and write down your daily routine. So he will write it and it will be written without pictures of course because his 10 pictures will be too childish for him. But at least writing it down is and then having having it in
his room is a is a good visual for him to remember that there is structure that is time structure, that is important. So
yeah, I hope this this was clear to you that this is this is very helpful. I think it's not only for the youth but it's for everybody and I always remind myself and everyone this Dean is Tom's is a dean of discipline and routine. That's true that's why we that's why we have we fast obligation from this day to this day obligation. We need to pray five times not six, not seven obligation from this time to this time. It's so interesting. in Ramadan, I always remind people how Allah teaches us discipline and obedience. It's a mother of his 525 19 I cannot eat. It's only one minute What is the big deal? No. So I love this one.
routine it's discipline it's less stress is expectation Yes. Expectation in people What do I expect that night? When is my free time when I know nobody's gonna tell me to do anything? And when is they expect me to be doing this and and then I really because I grew up this way actually
to summer absolutely there was routine there was discipline there was breakfast means breakfast is not up to me and up to us and I really like it because it's helped me when I grew up. Yes, yes. to discipline myself which is an important part of this religion already. So she says one sister 19 to 20 years ago teen 19 to 20 years no at this time, you just focus on your the pieces in your home, like I told you I'm in my late 50s when I go visit my parents may Allah bless them, Allah bless them.
There is routine in my parents home. When I when I go to visit them, I follow their routine. I know exactly when breakfast is going to be I know when lunch is going to be I know when dinner is not I know when they sleep, I know when they wake up. So it just makes my day easier because I plug in my other items or tasks between these big pieces. See, I call them the big pieces like meals or big pieces. prayer times are big pieces. In the US for us they change right but like for example, my parents live in Saudi Arabia. I mean the the times don't change very much. But still, for people who pray regularly. Unconsciously their day revolves around prayer times. And okay, I'm gonna do this
before the war I'm gonna do this after Maria. You know, I mean, it's it's really beautiful. Seriously, it's just so beautiful. Um, but you also mentioned one thing that's very important, Dr. Haifa, which is the free time. Unfortunately, I see some of our young parents nowadays, they think that they have to be engaged with their children all the time. And that's so exhausting. And so draining. So if you start actually having, especially with kids who are Jani understand, you have the routine and you have in the routine, it's very important that you have in the routine time where they are expected to play on.
Yes, let them breathe, and the parents breathe, because I see. I see the parents really drained and when I asked them what they're doing, they don't get a moment trust, like they feel guilty. If they, if they allow the children to play on their own. No, please don't feel guilty. Please. If you're
on their own, let them be be happy. Just go do something.
Come and ask you for engagement or to connect with them. So okay, so number two and number six. Number
seven is how to deal with emotions. Yeah.
This one is a big one. So when we think about emotions, people you have you have different types of people and how they deal with emotions. So you have people who either suppress their emotions, they don't even acknowledge them. Okay, and this is actually prevalent in the Muslim community. Yes, except for anger. Anger is somehow okay for certain people. Like I'm just gonna say it like men are it's okay for men to be angry somehow. I don't know in our community we we we don't have a problem with It's okay. If they owe their man it's okay for them to be angry. But in general, we do suppress emotions in our community, unfortunately. Now we come to the for example, in the American community,
they actually magnify emotions and emotions are used to even manipulate others. So like you would hear a lot of people saying Okay, oh, you hurt me when you said this. And you know, this is not okay. I said so, there is a lot of like, you cannot hurt me like you cannot make my image you cannot.
You know, you cannot make me feel upset or sad or angry. But I want to emphasize it very clearly here.
Each one of us is responsible for his or her own emotions, because our emotions are actually connected to how we think and what we believe about the world. So we need to number one accept responsibility for our emotions.
Even even if the hurt is coming on the hands of someone else Still, we are the one who are experiencing the emotions. And we by accepting our responsibility, what does it mean? It means I'm gonna take care of myself.
And I'm gonna figure out how am I gonna deal with the situation? How do I need to really work with the situation. So not to be passive, and this is part of our Islamic tradition. I'm not just gonna be standing passive waiting for people to fix things. For me, that's not us, we have a very strong emphasis on individual responsibility in Islam. And so we need to really go back and and and take that back. So I have a three step
strategy for dealing with emotions. Number one, is identifying what are the emotions that one would that I am experiencing. And we have four, if you if to make to simplify things, just to simplify things. We have four major
emotional, emotional categories. Glad, sad, mad, and scared. Those are the four major ones. So if you even just ask yourself, Am I glad? Am I mad? Am I sad? Am I scared and identify where you are in these four? Then you are really doing a very good step, you're taking a very good step. So the first one was my first I feel good.
So that would be undergrad. No, no, no, it's undergrad. It's one of the shades of glad. Because I mean, because each one of these actually have different shades. Like, you know, in the English language, there are 255 words that describe emotions. Oh, yes. So we could roughly you know, group them under the major headings. But
So so this is the first step is identify emotions, what what am i experiencing, second step is expressing so what we mean by expressing here is connecting the emotion to the event. So for example, let's say, um,
let's say, Okay, so what I want, I got what I want it, I'm happy. I got what I want. Okay, yes. So this is a feeling and then connecting it with, you know, what is what, what is the event at what's happening? Okay. Um, so that's the expression, okay? And it's very important, I'll share and the reason why it's very important, because many times we talk about emotions, or express them the wrong way, where we put the responsibility on other people, or we actually blame other people. I mean, I'm gonna share some of the statements that sometimes parents use with their children regarding emotions. The third step in emotions is containing them. Containing them doesn't mean I suppressed
it. No, because in the first step, I identified it, and when I identify an emotion, I actually accept it. I say, Okay, this is what I'm feeling. And then I'm connecting it to the event. And the third one is Okay, so now how do I take care of myself? Or how do I take care of the situation? So applying this to children, because this whole this whole thing is about children? Let's assume you have a child. And this happened today, actually, I bought gifts for my grandchildren, I bought them a few toys. And before the toys came, I told them, we're not gonna open all of them at once. But see, this is a life message. I'm sending the message that not everything that you want, you're going
to get in the same moment that you need to wait. So I said we're gonna buy them they're gonna come we're gonna open one every day. So did delayed gratification. This is a life message game for important for Muslims, because the akhira is all about delayed gratification. So
yeah, exactly. So then, so my grandson today he opened one and then he's like Tater, please, please, can I open the second one? I promise you I promise you, you know, you know, you know, I'm not gonna ask again or whatever. So what am i noticing in him? What's the emotion and him is, he's excited. He's also frustrated is a little bit anxious. So expressing this would be okay, Habibi. You are really excited about all the toys that you have, and we're not opening today. So this is connecting
Emotion were the event okay? And then the containment about containing is is is different depending on the situation so with him specifically I had to say no I already explained to you that you know we're not going to open all of the toys together what would you like to do right now? What would help you right now so this is like directing his attention to do something about his frustration or excitement something that is useful because sometimes people do things with their emotions that are not useful and so we want to train children from an early age how to contain their emotions in a healthy and useful and and socially acceptable way.
Let's assume this is a five year old and you went through this strategy and he starts crying and then gave you the fit which is sometimes happens Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. We actually just happened also with my eldest son the other day the other day he had the fit for 45 minutes and
so I wasn't there but his mother lay it her life Yeah, I remember
she was with him and they were in the park so of all places it wasn't even home. So the public place
very hard. So um, but Masha Allah Masha Allah I really appreciate that his mother has learned early on that she is not going to feel responsible for
for like she has to fix the situation that she learned early on that she needs it's okay for him to cry. It's okay for him to have a fit Okay, it doesn't have to end very quickly what needs to happen is to give him support so she said Okay, come sit with me let me give you a hug and she she did the identifying and the expressing of emotion okay you're very upset because this this happened and then you know he's he's not you know, calming down he didn't calm down and she said okay, we need to start heading home. And so she carried him and then and his brother was you know, walking along so it was hard.
So So in a fit like this, you do not need to solve the problem for the child and in that situation, the child has flipped their lead, okay, they're not rational. They're emotional. And when they are emotional, you cannot make sense to them. So what they need from you in that moment is just emotions without giving in this is so important. So I love you I love you. But I'm not going to give you what you're crying about. Because if I do if I even you know do it one or two times the child is going to learn that all I have to do is just cry cry cry cry, I'm going to get what I want in the end. Not the lifeless message we want to send to the children so say this is statement don't give in to a
child because of showing improper emotion 100% but you can give them love okay so this doesn't mean that I'm giving it doesn't mean I'm gonna you know abandon them or say oh you're such a bad boy or no no no we're not gonna do any of this by us saying okay you're okay you're angry you're upset because this is what you want it and it's not happening. We are emphasizing accepting his emotions and because this unfortunately in especially in arm Okay, I shouldn't be saying and especially in the Muslim community, but in many communities this idea of accepting emotions is not there. There is a lot of like for example some of the statements that you hear some parents saying to their children
Oh, be a big boy and big girl Don't Don't be a baby Don't cry. Okay, and we hear this a lot being said two boys, two boys if you're gonna be a man, don't cry. How I mean and we know about the Prophet as the lamp, how he cried when Ibrahim Allah is when his son Ibrahim died like so. So to be careful, I mean about sending these messages early on to the children another one that sometimes parents say to the children, you should not be feeling this way.
Feelings are feelings, okay. If we are experiencing a feeling there is no should about that. Okay. What is important is how are we going to behave or how are we react, but the feelings are not something that
he is not something that you need to feel as you know, bad about or feel that you shouldn't feel this way.
No feelings are information.
If you are feeling something, you know, your psyche is trying to tell you a message about the situation. So it actually behaves any one of us to really try and understand what's the message, what are we trying to be told, you know.
And then another one that really bothers me also for parents to children is when, when parents saw the children, look how you made me angry.
And then you have children who get stuck into that they are responsible for the emotions of their children of their parents, and they get into a cycle of guilt and shame, and a lot of self loathing. And so extremely important to really again, like I said, in the beginning for, for all of us to own responsibility for our emotions, so I can say something like, okay, I am angry, because you actually didn't listen to me, but I'm not saying I'm not saying you made me angry. Okay, this is I mean for some people, they may think it's the same, but it's not the same. Okay? Because one is focusing on a behavior, the other one, the child receives it as I am a bad person. And and it's about me, I have
some really horrible traits within me. And so we want to start distinguishing between being a label of the person and behaviors it's okay to talk about the wrong the you know, inappropriate behaviors no problem as long as we do not attach it to a label to the label about the child that becomes permanent and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because the child starts in a believing that I am this bad person you know.
and then also one that I really also it bothers me a lot also when parents tell
children if you don't do this, Allah will be angry with you and I'm not talking about the sins Okay, I'm not talking about that I'm talking about something that the parents want to happen. And they they just immediately have like a direct like, you know, like they tell Allah when to be angry. Well, I as Avila went to be angry with the children. So another, any, the scars that happened from this are really deep. And many of times, they actually sometimes lead to the kids being alienated from Islam, and alienated from Allah. So be very careful about the messages we are sending to the children about Allah specifically, because it breaks my heart really breaks my heart when I see the
children growing into young adults who do not have a good relationship with Allah, because of some childhood, whatever, you know, ones or trauma. Yeah, okay. And the last thing I'm gonna say about emotions, there's actually a whole video on YouTube about this emotion business. And it's called, I have it in Arabic, and I have it in English, and it's called in English. It's called the story behind our emotions. And the Arabic one it's a series of five small videos called cassata Masha.
So a very important topic.
So this is a video by
I, by me.
Yeah, okay. Okay. Number eight.
Number eight is connecting, encouraging mind and body activities.
I would like to emphasize the idea that there is a very strong connection between the mind and the body, and within the western
understanding of knowledge and so on. Their appreciation for mind which we translate I translated into Arabic into Apple, their understanding of mind has come, has has, has come a long way because for a while, there was no appreciation of the idea of mine, there was only brain, which is basically an organ, physical organ, and the body, but to understand that there is something to the human to us humans beyond what is palpable beyond what is tangible. And we believe that in Islam, we talk about the neffs and we talk about the apple and and so these these domains that are not
tangible and palpable except through the psyche. And the nerves. I have only recently in the West have, you know, gotten some attention and significance. So.
So I want to emphasize in our tradition, we do believe and the connection, but I want to make it very clear that we do believe that there are domains to us there is the body, that is the soul, there is nafs, that is the mind. And when we as Muslim, believe of the interconnection of all of them, and one of them impacts the other. So for for here, I just want to emphasize the connection between the mind which is not the brain that's different between the mind and the body. So the mind is how is our thinking, our beliefs, okay, and those, they actually influence the brain, the organ, and then the organ of the brain, actually is connected to the rest of the body. And that's how it's
all interrelated. So, encouraging mind and body activities is very important, because when there is a disconnect, so So how does it happen, for example, I get, I got clients who are either anxious, or they are very depressed. so depressed and anxious people are in their mind all the time. Okay, they're just they're looping, thinking, looping, thinking, looping, thinking, looping, thinking, looping, thinking, looping. And that actually paralyzes the rest of the body. And you see it in so many different symptoms. So the depressed person could be, for example, not moving, staying in bed, that overeating or under eating.
The anxious person they talked to us about having panic attacks, and they give us you know, very disk, the very strong descriptions of you know, the,
the symptoms of the body of the heart of the of the,
what do you call them, the lungs, you know, and the digestive system. So understanding that all of this is connected, we want to start training our children in activities that connect the mind and the body. And so what are these activities? Allah, prayer is one of them. So pound Allah.
It's Jani. No, because what's happening in prayer, you have your reciting, you know, the, you're reciting all the rods and the car. And also you are matching it with the body movement. So you're aligning all of this together, okay? Will do believe it or not, who do is also a very powerful mind and body activity. Subhan Allah the other day, I was reading about research that talks about
when you wash your feet, how it's actually very calming, you know, and like, so panela like, this is what we do, and we'll do we wash our feet. And I'm really inviting everybody to really notice how is your state before you go and make will do and after you make wudu and you will really begin to notice that there is actually a difference. I'm talking about your inner state. And of course, you all know about how the prophets are sallam. He told, you know, when we when we're angry, you know, he gave us he gave us a prescription to, you know, on what to do when we're angry. He said McAdoo gromicko he said also, you know, change position, because changing position, what does it entail?
changing position entails that you actually have to think you have to think about this intention of standing up or laying down whatever you're gonna do, and also engaging your body at the same time. It's so powerful, there's so many things, the beautiful things in our tradition, that that helps that you know, if we only applied these things in our tradition, even without understanding the scientific significance of them, it it you know, we you know, we will be in a much better place, but to give
any other activity other than the activity that you recommend
walking. So exercise exercise
is very important.
But for Yanni I want to emphasize the idea of walking only because people sometimes you know, they they look with the stain on walking like walking is not an activity. Walking is such an important activity. And especially if you are walking in a very in a natural setting like you know,
enough forest or next to a lake or I mean next to my house, we have a we have a nice trail. It's not It's not like you know, very forest theory, but it's still a trail. So walking in nature is a beautiful, beautiful mind. Body connecting activity. Another
what's interesting, last pantalla how many times in the process, our new CEO fell out of the Jambo. Yeah. Do they walk if it tends to lead toward having they walked? And they see? Yeah, and it's actually using your mind you're reflecting on the creation of Allah. And if I take the child hours, when people ask me, you know, way better than me in this field. I was like, when you take your children to the zoo? Yeah, teach them to see and reflect and learn is not only also beautiful, yes. Like, you know, look at this creation of Allah, look at this beauty, who taught him or her and Subhanallah I mean, I love this is exactly, it's an amazing activities, daily routine, we take our
children for all this, take them to the park, but connect them with using their brain and connect them with Allah in the positive way. 100%
that's what they hear from us. Yeah, other than the beauty he gave us. And you know, they are very curious themselves children, and they're actually very observant. So if he just opened the space for them to actually go out in nature, they pick up so many things. And that becomes like, you know, second nature to them, you don't need to even, you know, teach them a science lesson. Because they're picking it up. They're observing it, like the change of seasons, for example, just for example, like, you know, they notice how you know, things are Yeah, it's just like the bees, like my grandchildren, they owe the bee when the we came, and the ants, and I'm like, That's lovely.
number nine, I'm sorry, because we have only 10 minutes. Can you believe it? Yeah, I know time. So I'll just mention also, in addition to my body activity, just quickly, all the hobbies, like coloring, drawing, reading, cooking, organizing, all of these are Mind Body connecting activities, okay? When I become agitated myself, I go, and I do something I organize, or I do cooking, or I bake, and then I feel much more calmer. So number nine, is basically embracing mistakes and failures. Now, having said that, people go immediately what? embracing mistakes and failures. What do you mean by that? So that this doesn't mean we are saying giving people a green light to repeat
mistakes and failures? No.
It's the opposite completely. What we're talking about here is basically teaching children how to learn from their mistakes. So to give a very quick example,
I went I take my grandchildren to the park every day. So yesterday, he wanted my eldest son or grandson he wanted to go and he wanted to take his Lego airplane with him. And I said, Have you been no problem? You can take it but you are going to be responsible for it. So we he said, Yes. So we go, we go to the park. He puts it on the bench and we leave and he forgets it. But he remembers halfway to our house. He's like, oh, Tater. I forgot my airplane. So okay, no problem. We're gonna go back and get it. So we get it. As we're walking home, what does he tell me? He says, data. Why did you forget my airplane? So you see, Russia is putting the blame on me. Right? Okay. So now this
is my way of teaching them. So I say okay, so who was playing as this who's who does it belong to? He said, me? I said, Okay, so who's responsible for it? He said, me said excellent. And then I say, Okay, so what are you gonna do differently next time? So you don't forget it. And this is what I mean by embracing mistakes and failures, asking the children the question, what did we learn? And what are we going to do differently next time? And so he says, at this point, he's like, you know, I don't know. I said, Okay, you know what, it's very simple. Next time we go to the park, you put it in the in the wagon because we usually take a wagon with us. So today, when we went he had a toy
with him. Once we got to the park, he took the toy, put it in the way
And he told me, I am putting it in the wagon, so I don't forget it.
But see it just it just like, you know, you connect things for children, and they're really ready to learn. It's just about how, how are we connecting things? So I'm not, for example, yesterday, I didn't tell him, oh, how stupid Have you? How could you forget your airplane? You are not responsible? When are you going to be responsible? I mean, that kind of reaction is just going to emphasize for him that he's a bad person.
Blame. Yes, yeah. And it's like, it's not only blame, it's kind of also putting him down.
But when I'm when I'm saying, Okay, this happened, what did we learn? And how are we going to do it differently? This is this is so key. It's so Okay, so the last piece, the last one I wanted to mention today is really minimizing screen time. So I am not, I mean, like and hamdulillah Mashallah, technology is amazing, we are able to do so many wonderful things we were not able to do before, like we're having the session today, like 10 years ago, we would not have been able to do this in two different locations, right. And we're broadcasting to the to the world. So it's amazing. Technology is amazing. But it's about how we use it, how much we use it. And so children need to
learn from an early age that yes, we love technology, but we have to use it within limits. So there are moral limits, there are ethical limits. And there are also personal limits in terms of like, how much does it invade into our daily life. And I really, I'm gonna say it here, I always say it, parents are letting go of their control over screen time.
They are choosing to let go. And they tell me all sorts of things. They tell me Oh, but they you know, then I never, you know, they nag me. And, you know, I can't handle you know, they're nagging. Or, you know, I see them so upset and so angry. And I feel sorry for them, they give me all sorts of, you know, excuses for why they are not taking control of the limits I'm not talking about don't allow them to use technology, allow them to use technology. And I want the new to teach them the proper way of using technology. Like, I want you to allow them to use social media, but they need to learn from you how to use social media properly, in a good way, because who's gonna teach them,
they're gonna learn from their friends, I mean, you need, again, you're the first and the most important influencer. And if the connection between parents and children is there, they will actually listen to you. So I'm not saying allow them to use technology and don't and make it open all the time. And you're not watching, for example, one of the limits I invite parents to do
is the use of technologies to be in an open space. It cannot be behind closed doors, especially for teens. But there are many parents who, for them, this is already too late, because they've already established you know that the teen is using his electronics behind closed doors. The reason why I'm really very vocal about these issues is because of the addiction. So whether addiction to porn, or whether addiction to even emotional relationships.
It's heartbreaking. So I know, we are not going to be able to prevent completely or shield our children completely from accessing these kind of like, inappropriate sites or whatever. But at least if we can prevent them from getting to the addiction phase, then we've actually done a beautiful, beautiful job. Okay, and not every not every child is going to be prone to addiction. Let me be very clear on that. Because some children, it's not unusual for them, you know, because because they're busy with other things.
I ask you this, what age do you recommend in these days? It's extremely, it's getting harder and harder. And especially with the COVID. And with the visual of virtual schooling, what is the appropriate age from your experience to start giving a child quote unquote, phone?
Yes, I've seen it argue. Yeah. Oh, yes. I knew the phone. I know.
Why do you need a phone? Yeah, yeah, I know, this is I'm sure our viewers all go through this. Yes, I am actually kind of like on the strict side with this, but not many people like my views on these things, which is fine. Um, but I, um, you know, I really Yes, I like the idea of why are we introducing the smartphone to the child, if I'm dropping off the child and picking up the child, you know, they don't need the phone per se, you know, kind of like to really call me, you know, but parents are somewhat over protective nowadays. They believe that they need to make sure that the children are okay all the time, okay. And so their smartphone gives them a false sense of security,
in terms of like, Yeah, I know what's going on, I know where they are. And until they get to be the kids get to be teens. And then when they're teens, they turn off the phone. And the parents don't know what's going on. But anyway, I think it's a very personal choice for the family.
I know myself, when my kids were little, I was one of the late adopters in my family where kids got cell phones in my family. But that's me. And I know it's not easy for, for all families to do that. But at least if you're going to get a smartphone, then please put limits on the internet is the internet access, like don't have this don't have the smartphone connected to the internet 24 seven, I know in the US in the US specifically, you buy when you buy a smartphone, you have to get the package with the data, I know that but you can call the phone company and ask them to disconnect the data from that phone. So look into all the options that you can have under your control, to really
prevent the 24 seven access to the internet. And actually in your home, please control the Wi Fi, please. Okay, have a certain time where the Wi Fi is going to be turned off. So you can go to sleep knowing that your children are not going to be accessing internet when you are sleeping. Another thing that we invite parents to do is at the at, you know when they go to sleep when the parents go to sleep, all electronics go in their room. So they don't stay outside where kids can actually access them or the
parents are sleeping again this is this is because children are going to be
enticed, they would love to be on the internet all the time. So to minimize your battles over this issue, just establish these boundaries in place, follow through with them, and allow your children to use you know, the internet and
age. Honestly, you can reinforce this.
I you know, I see it in terms of like it's a very artificial ager with but again, it depends on how connected the family is. Because you know, the thing is when teens recognize their power.
And they recognize honestly, there are teens who are very smart and very intelligent. So they will actually go and do things behind their their parents back no matter no matter what the parents are doing, right. But if there is connection and the family, I really strongly believe in that if there is connection and between the parents and the children, and this was established early on, then his conversations become easier when we get to that time. But anyway, going back to your question, I think I just have an artificial age which is 18. Because after 18, legally, the child is an adult, the child now can can rent a an apartment, they can, they can work, they I mean, they they have a
lot of power after the age of 18 under the age of 18 they are still under the supervision or the you know, influence of the parent. So it's again, it's a very artificial limit that I put in place. But again, I'm gonna emphasize for those parents who are listening and their children are already using electronics without limits. Okay, it is what it is just deal you know, try to contain whatever damage is there.
Because sometimes it's gonna be very hard for them to come and actually establish the limits now.
When when it wasn't established before.
Do you think and I'm again, I'm asking you on a half of many parents. Do you think there is a point when you say it's too late? There's no no I really don't believe in that.
Because even when you believe it's already too late, you can work on the relationship. You can work on the relationship,
acknowledging what you what power you have lost, but work on your connection with your child. Because ultimately, this is what is going to maintain your influence on your, on your children. Is your connection, the connection.
We didn't have many questions today, I think
all the way around.
I know I asked questions, but I don't see.
All very nice.
To see I'm scrolling through if anybody has a question. We still have maybe a couple of minutes.
Oh, this is a good comment. But it's also being a good point says older kids don't like heating. What did we learn your advice on this? They think it is blaming them? Like, you know the example you gave about your grandson on here? Yeah. So she says sister, somebody says, All the kids don't like hearing, what did we learn? Yeah, how do we
see when I hear that? I'm thinking that maybe we need to focus on the relationship here.
We need to focus on the connection again, you know, because because I'm just I'm just thinking and reflecting. Okay, why is the child resisting? Why? What did we learn? I don't know. Okay, there is something going on there. So I'm just like, okay, so maybe we need to back off. Okay, and not or not say, what did we learn from this and say something like, I love you. I'm here for you. If you ever need me, you just know how to find me. Maybe the child is saying that mom or dad? you nag too much.
You lecture too much. And I need you to let me be. I mean this. This is me as a therapist reading into it. And maybe I'm reading too much into it.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, so one more question. If you don't mind your living over there. Is that okay? is actually Okay. How can we manage the situations when the values with which we want to raise our children? contradict with other family members? Like grandparents? This is very common scenario. Yes. Yes. I personally always advocate for honesty and transparency. So I would, I would make it very, I would just say it as it is. Okay. Let's just assume I'm just gonna give an example. Let's just assume grandparents, for example, don't pray.
Okay. And we pray. Right? So and so we go visit the grandparents, and they start asking, oh, we didn't see grandpa praying, whatever. Yeah, so we just say statement of facts, guys without disrespect. It's very important how you said so? Okay, how do you be, you know, unfortunately, Grandpa doesn't pray, we pray, and we're going to pray for him. That insha Allah that He will start praying.
Okay. Um, and we, and so depending on the situation, and then we,
for example, the ones I hear, so you have certain rules in your home, right? For example, they're young, you don't give them candy, unless maybe one
of the grandparents comes in out of love and affection, and they spoil them or leave them, you're being too hard on them. Yeah. And
this happened when they go and visit their grandparents. And this is tricky, especially if they are not your parents, if they are in laws, which is tricky. So how do you handle that? Very good question. And it comes up a lot, okay. And it's also gonna vary from one family to another. Okay, so different, I'm just gonna mention different points. First of all, the spouses need to be on the same page. Okay. Like the husband and wife in terms of how are they going to handle the situation? That's one. Number two, the person who is the son or the daughter of the parents is the one who needs to explain to his or her parents about our rules. In we need to have this conversation. And yes, we're
gonna hear from them, oh, you're too hard. You're too strict. And we say, yes, Mama, yes, bah, bah. I know, this is how you see it. But please, respect that. This is what I want to do with my children. So that's two, three. If I am not there,
if I'm not there, like the grandparents are there and I am not there. I'm not going to make an issue about what's going on there. If I have a problem with that, then I'm not going to leave my children with them without me being
You know we need to take take responsibility
and and then with some families with some families I know some couples who that because the parents are rigid and they have a hard time understanding where the where the parents are coming from. I'm talking grandparents are rigid and they want only their way and so the parents have chosen to minimize unfortunately, their interactions with the grandparents because of the differences in values. Because we need to keep in mind we need to recognize how much influence Do we have, how much control do we have, and then decide what is more important here is having control over this particular issue because it could be different for different family or maintaining the relationship
with the grandparents and I'm not talking about cutting off grandparents This is not what I'm talking about. Just talking about limiting maybe just to minimize the situations that the parents don't like.
Exactly lock me allottee we'll do some more asking so if you want to see this again, for those of you who joined late I just put it on the screen also recordings on YouTube so you can visit gender Institute's channel youtube channel and you can listen to Part one which is two weeks ago and then today exactly laugh at
me for the time you gave us and for all the efforts just a final question if somebody needs to, to get in touch with you How do they they have a case or something? How do they reach out to you yeah, so through my website so My website is sakeena as a k i n a sakeena counseling.com and so there is a contact form there that they can contact me on sakeena counseling.com
and yeah, I think that would be the maybe the easiest way for people to find me
and I will end up by the first point Sr nahash shared with us Do
you know what? It
does actually level hydrometallurgy word y'all hopefully we'll see you again it's not the last time inshallah Allah
subhanaw taala along well beyond a shadow and stuff we will cover today. Some Allahu Allah say now Mohammed, Allah and he was happy to see you and kathira