Love #02 – I wanna get married but my parents think I’m too young!

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Fatima Barkatulla

Channel: Fatima Barkatulla

Series:

Episode Notes

The Love Sheikha answers a question from a young sister who has broached the subject of marriage with her parents but who seem dead against their daughter marrying. How should she approach this issue? How can she stay patient and avoid falling into sin in the meantime?

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah dear brothers and sisters as salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. And welcome to another episode of the love share heart.

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I thought before I start this episode, I should explain to you why the podcast series is called the love share hub, because it might sound like a bit of a weird name. Well, the background to it is that many years ago, I was a writer for sisters magazine.

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My editor, Nyima Robert, she noticed that I was very passionate about writing about marriage and issues to do with keeping your marriage strong and alive. And I was a real advocate for

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the family and

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motherhood and all things related to Muslim families. And so she, as a joke would refer to me as love share her. And so when it came to this podcast series, and it's a series in which I really want to address some of the issues that families face, in particular, people faced with in relation to marriage, whether it's before marriage, or while they're married, you know, I really wanted to address the sorts of things that people have been asking me about over the years. But also, I really wanted to talk about what helps keep a marriage strong, right? What helps keep

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the spark alive, and how we can make good decisions when it comes to marriage, right? Because there's no relationship that you're going to go into. Once you become an adult, that's going to be more significant and more kind of

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impactful on your life, then marriage and the person you choose to be your spouse, right, and choose to live the rest of hopefully, the rest of your life with. So

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bearing that in mind, and bearing in mind that family is really the cornerstone of society, right? It's a microcosm of society. If we have healthy families, we have a healthy community. And we have a healthy oma.

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Because of all of that, I really wanted to start a series in which I could address some of the questions that people had. And I thought I'd just call it the love Scheffer because of that little nickname that my friend Nyima had given me those years ago. Anyhow, in this session, we're going to be answering a question from a sister who wrote in to me, and she says that she's just reached about the age of 20. And she's kind of she's still studying, she's at university. And she says, I don't know, whether I'm being hormonal.

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I've been wanting to get married in order to avoid falling into temptation. And you know, I don't see Miss mix, she says, with brothers, and also I prevent myself from her own relationships.

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And then she goes on to say, I want to keep everything Helen.

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I told my mom about this, but it's like, my parents don't want me to get married early.

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I don't know what to do because I never had a serious brother approaching me for marriage. I'm trying my best to be patient.

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But she says I need you to give me more advice and tips on how to increase myself in patience until inshallah

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the right time or the best time comes for me to get married. She said, I tried to go on to these websites to search for a spouse but I wasn't comfortable with it because I didn't want to be a person who did not have modesty.

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But please, she says, Please give me some advice.

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Well, does Aki la Heron for sending that question in. And I'm sure that there are other brothers and sisters who might have similar, you know, concerns and similar things that they're going through and so

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hopefully by me answering them on this forum

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More people can benefit because, believe it or not, a lot of these kinds of questions that come in are ones that are recurring and, and quite common.

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And sometimes we don't talk about these things. And because we don't talk about them, we think we're the only one who's going through something like this. So it's really great of you to have reached out and shared these thoughts with me. And I'm really honored that you did that. Because I know it's, it must be really hard to to have the guts to kind of open up like that about your innermost thoughts. So Jazakallah Ferran for that.

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Here are some of the thoughts that come to my mind, as I read your email, and they're just suggestions, their ideas, things for you to take on board. You know, sometimes, when you're right in the thick of an issue, right? When something is affecting you, and it feels like the most important thing that's happening to you.

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Sometimes it's, it's hard to kind of take yourself out of the situation and take a bird's eye view, right? Look at the bigger picture. And so, I think the first question when we face any kind of issue like this is to ask ourselves, how should I be viewing this? You know, how can I How could I be thinking about this? In the best way? Right? And the best way and I can see that Mashallah, you were already very conscientious, you know, you're really conscientious you're, you're already conscious about the fact that, you know, in Islam, before marriage, there's no

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any free mixing in the sense that we shouldn't

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intermingle with people of the opposite sex without a reason, right, just for chitchat and just for kind of

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relaxing, and leisure and friendships and casual relationships, you know, these aren't things that as a Muslim we should go towards, because any kind of relationship with a non Muharram with a person who's not

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closely related to us in such a way that they are that we can't marry them. So obviously, we're not talking about our brothers, our fathers, our uncle's, our

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sons, our nephews, you know, certain nephews and certain uncles that are very close to us, etc. We're not talking about them, they are our Muharram. Right, the Marantz, what we're talking about is more morons, the people who aren't so closely related to us. In other words, people who we could potentially get married to

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any kind of casual relationship with those people is something that Islam does not allow, right. Of course, a person can say Salaam to people, of course a person can,

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if they need to, you know, have interaction and transactions with people of the opposite sex, right? We might have to work with or, you know, study with people of the opposite sex. However,

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when it kind of goes casual, and it becomes like very light hearted and

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almost, like, bordering on friendship, and then spilling into flirtation, etc, then, you know, that that's very problematic, because a lot of panel dialogue, when he forbade Xena, when he forbade Xena, or, you know, fornication and adultery, sex outside of marriage.

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When he forbade it, Allah subhanaw taala also forbade all the things that can lead to it, all the steps that lead to it. So, you know, sisters and brothers, that there are people out there, religious people, and you might even know some of them, right, who

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fall into Xena. You hear about a person who's fallen into Xena and you sometimes feel surprised and you think well, how could that have happened? You know, there are quite a religious person and they were careful and they were conscientious about their prayers and their hijab and things like that. How could such a person fall into Zina? If you were to look deeper, you'd find that it doesn't happen overnight doesn't happen suddenly. In other words, it doesn't happen.

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In one step, no shavon usually works on a purse

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And slowly but surely making them lose their standards, right? So perhaps first it will just be looking

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at somebody of the opposite sex, perhaps then it will be moving towards them and starting a conversation, chit chat.

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And then maybe it will be texting. And maybe it will be meeting up.

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And shaitan will trick a person to slowly slowly think, you know, there's nothing wrong with that, come on, you've got good intentions, right?

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You're doing it for that hour, or you're doing it with a good intention in mind, right. And before you know it before a person knows it, they have gone so far, from what the principles were. And this is how shavon was a person down slowly but surely. And so, because of that we have a principle in the Sharia, that anything that leads to a harm

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is also harmful. Right? And so those things like flirting, flirting,

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beautifying ourselves in public, and all those other types of things apart from the explicit texts that forbids us from doing some of those things.

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Also, they're also forbidden in the sense that they are the things that lead to Zina, they are the things that lead to sin.

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Right? So Mashallah, you, sister are very conscious of that, because you've emphasized that quite a lot in the email. And I can see that, you know, you're, you're really going through some turmoil. And it's really natural at that age, to be going through those kinds of feelings. You know, I just want to reassure you of that, you know, there's nothing crazy about you, not at all. In fact, most, most people of your age will, by that time, you know, by the time they reach the age of 20 be

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thinking about marriage be thinking about the opposite sex and Mashallah those who are conscientious like, you will think about how to approach the subject in a halal way. And you know, how to do the right thing. And you're, and you're really thinking about that, and the fact that you're thinking about it,

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is really healthy and really good, Mashallah. And the fact that you're being careful as well, you know, trying to think what's the best way to go about it, that also shows that you're, you're very conscientious, and in sha Allah, Allah Subhana, Allah will

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show you the way. So one of the things I would suggest to you is to really take a step back and think about marriage in a deeper way, you know, think about it and realize that, yes, in your age, you may be feeling certain urges, you may have certain, of course, like attraction, right to the opposite sex is just natural. And in the culture that we're living in, in which,

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you know, we're exposed to so much visual stimulus, right? There's so much visual stimuli everywhere. Whether it's pictures of men, pictures of women,

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sexualized imagery, music, you know, wherever you go, even if you don't listen to music, if you walk into a shop, there'll be a love song, and, you know, all of these things are very suggestive and very, they awaken our senses, and heighten our sense of desire, right? And I'm not saying that desire isn't a natural thing, even without these things, of course, is natural. You know, as we get older, when we reach puberty, and beyond, a lot of our data has placed that desire for marriage in us, right? However, because we're surrounded by a culture that kind of always tries to entice us and make us think about our desires and and stimulates our desires all the time, you know, through media

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and other means, as I mentioned, I think what it does is it kind of makes it harder, it makes it harder for for young people who are not married

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to focus.

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So you've identified that

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The desire to get married is there.

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And as I mentioned, it's a completely natural and positive thing. What should you do now? What should you do now? Well, first of all, be aware that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Yes, he actually encouraged young people

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to get married, when they're able to write as soon as they're able to,

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whether that means that they're mentally mature enough, physically mature, as well as financially for men, right? If they're able to,

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when you aren't mature enough in that way, and you know that you're ready, then definitely the Sunnah encourages us to get married. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, when he was addressing young men said, those of you who are able to get married, because it's better for you, in that it helps you to lower your gaze and guard your chastity. So by getting married,

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that desire you have for intimacy and for close relationship is satisfied. And because of that, you don't turn to anything wrong, because you have the halaal.

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That was the profits on a lower sentence advice. And then he said that, if you can't get married, then you should, fast, he actually encouraged

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young people to fast and he said, because it will kind of diminish that the strength of the urges and the desire that you have, right, so make it easier to cope with some of those feelings and desires while you're unable to get married.

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So that was the general advice of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and

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I would advise you, even in this stage, while you're waiting, and thinking about marriage, to take up fasting, you know, as a means fasting twice a week on Monday, and Thursdays is a great practice, it's something that really helps train you to have self control, right? As well as obviously being an act of a bother for Allah and the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. So I would encourage you to fast.

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Apart from that, what you've done is actually excellent, and that is that you've reached out to your parents, and you've talked to them about it. And that's really great. You know, that's, that's, that's probably the best thing that you could have done. Because your parents, hopefully they're there, they care about you. There's no one in this world who cares about us more than our parents. And so they were the right people for you to turn to and also, from an Islamic perspective, obviously, your father is your Willie, he's your guardian, in marriage, and so your parents would be the right people to turn to to, you know, express this to? And you've said that they've kind of

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shown hesitancy or they seem to want you to

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not think that you're ready, right? Well, I think that is something that is sometimes quite common for parents to do.

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The first time their child mentions marriage, some parents freak out, right? They think, oh, my god, she's grown up, you know. And it's really hard for some parents to actually see their little baby as having grown up. It's literally something that they haven't really thought about sometimes. Right? So I think probably, it could be that your parents are kind of a bit surprised because they still see you as their little child. And now that you're getting older and you're expressing this, it's kind of maybe caught them a bit off guard. Right. So I wouldn't think that they've completely any ruled it out. Right? They're probably thinking about it, they're probably discussing it between

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themselves. And they're probably thinking, you know, like what they should do with this new information that you've given them, right, that you're you want to get married.

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Also, I think sometimes because parents have that long term view, right? Because they have

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experience of life and they know how quickly

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life passes right and they know how quickly once you get married, you do become

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very responsible, and you have a lot more responsibility on your hands. And they know that, obviously, it's a time of joy and positivity, but also that it's a big decision and a big responsibility. I think sometimes that can weigh heavily on parents, right. And so they might be a bit hesitant to,

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for you to enter that domain at this age. And it could also be that because you're a student, you know, they think that it might be a distraction away from your studies, right. So it might be worth kind of completing your studies. Now, obviously, I'm just mentioning that as, like, from your parents point of view, right. But islamically, the ideal is that parents should not delay children getting married, especially once their child has expressed to them that they need to get married, or that they want to get married. Because the longer you put these things off, without a good reason, the more danger there is, for a person to fall into sin. And that's something that no parent should

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ever risk. Right? Because if a child comes to their parent and says, You know, I want to get married, I need to get married, to stay away from sin. And obviously, you probably be too shy to say that to your parent, right, I'm gonna fall into sin, you know, that's not something you want to kind of express to your parents. But, you know, being intelligent people, they could probably figure out that the fact that you're coming to them, you have certain feelings and needs, and so you've come to them, asking them to help you, right. And so really, the the correct response to that is to take that very seriously. Because now, if such a person as you should now be told no, you can't get

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married and then

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turned to sin, then that sin would be upon not only you, but it would also be upon the parents, because they did not facilitate or they put a barrier between you and getting married.

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I'm not trying to trivialize your, you know, a person's sin when they fall into her arm. But I'm saying that the parents should never be a barrier when they realize that their adult child is ready to get married, they should not be a barrier, if anything, they should try to facilitate the best way for their child to get married. Right and actually make it easy. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam encouraged us to make marriage easy. marriage should be made easy. And Xena should be made difficult, unfortunately, in the society that we live in, Xena is really easy for people to fall into. And marriage, people are making it difficult. Okay, but conscientious parents out there. And

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if there are any parents listening to this, I'd say to you, whenever your child expresses to you, and shows signs that they have desires, that they want to

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get married and settle down, the right way to respond to that is to show them that you're taking their feelings seriously. Right? Not that you're completely disregarding their feelings, because unfortunately, I've seen situations where when parents are right off the idea of marriage, and kind of treat the young adult child as some kind of, you know, immature imbecile, what can happen is that that adult child will then

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harbor a lot of resentment towards their parent. Right? And then we'll take that resentment. And

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you know, it can manifest itself in various ways, various harmful ways. So As parents, we always want to make our children feel that we're on their side, because we are on their side.

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You know, the fact that you went to your parents, I would have hoped that they would have

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kind of really appreciated that you could come to them and would have made you feel safe in being able to come to them. You know, maybe they didn't do that.

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But that is the right way for parents to have responded. Now. If you're saying that they're not responding and that

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Kind of positive way and kind of showing negative signs or trying to delay things.

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Maybe as I said, it was a bit of a shock to them, that you brought the subject up. And maybe what you can do is wait for a better time,

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you know, a time when your mum is in a really good mood, or in the mood for a really private good private chat with you, maybe you can take your mum out, you know, and have a one to one with her over coffee or something like that.

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And I would encourage you to approach your mom, because usually mothers, you know, they've, they have a lot of empathy with their daughters, and with their children. And so in a different kind of way to dads, right.

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And sometimes it's better to approach one parent privately by themselves.

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And then that parent can then present the situation, you know, once you once you've kind of convinced one parent, and once you've

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kind of shared your views and your feelings and poured yourself out to one parent, and they can empathize with you and understand you and sympathize with what you want, then hopefully, they could then go to the other parent and convince them you know, sometimes that works better than for you to kind of directly sit both parents down, because sometimes parents feel awkward in that kind of situation. So what encourage you to do is to think you know, which of your parents do you have that kind of close relationship with, where you could talk about what's in your heart, you know, and, and if that's your mum, then I would really encourage you to take her out to have a nice, you know,

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private moment with her, where you could just say to her, look, Mom, there's something I've been thinking about, please, I've come to you, because you're my mom, and I want to do the right thing. You know, I want to do the right thing. And I want to take your advice on board, you know, show show your parents that you care about their opinions, right?

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And just say to you know, what, what's the best way for me to think of this, right? I feel that I would like to get married. But obviously, I respect you. And I respect the fact that you want me to study and that I am studying. So how would be what would be the best way for us to look at this, you know, that would be a great way for you to kind of have an open conversation, because instead of kind of saying to your parents, this is what I want. What you're, what you're doing is you're putting the ball in their court and saying, These are my feelings, how what do you think is the best way to deal with this? You know, how can we do this in a good way.

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And if your parents are religious,

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and even if they aren't particularly religious, you know, it might be worth mentioning, you know, in that conversation somewhere, what the prophets allow what he was Sallam said, you know, and that this is just a natural thing, a lot of people of your age, start thinking about marriage. And so you want to share with them that, you know, you you care about their opinion, and that you love them, and you want

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to do things the right way. And what that will hopefully do is soften your parent's heart and really make them feel that significant and important in your life. And, you know, not that you're kind of trying to leave them or,

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you know, any kind of feeling of fear of kind of you moving away from them will dissipate. Hopefully, if you kind of if you emphasize the fact that you're not trying to run away, you're not trying to move away from them. What you're trying to do is do what's natural for somebody of your age, but you want to do it in a nice way. Right.

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Good day.

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Good day.

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So hopefully that will open the conversation

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further into like, how, how you could do that. And maybe they'll say to you Well, you know, we don't want you to get married.

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We want you to complete your studies, which is not ideal, because I you know, there are people who do get married while they're still studying.

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But at the same time, sometimes people have to stop studying when they get married,

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because of the huge responsibility that

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they feel that they now have. So, it's definitely worth taking your parents view into consideration because they know your personality, they know you. And so, you know, they've probably taken that into account.

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And they probably wouldn't like you to check out of education at this stage. You know, because that tends to be a reason that some parents have for delaying their child's marriage, at the same time, it might be worth

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bringing up to your mom, you know, the fact that in our times, unfortunately, especially here in the UK, we're seeing a problem, a growing problem of sisters in particular, who,

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when they have delayed their marriages, or due to circumstance, you know, if marriage got delayed, for whatever reason, outside of their, outside their hands.

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Unfortunately, the opportunities for getting married became slimmer and slimmer. And, sadly, you know, sometimes we have sisters who

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would really like to get married, but now, you know, because of their advancing age, and because of the fact that various factors, you know, in terms of men wanting to marry people who are of a certain age and above and things like that, which, you know, are unfortunate, but at the same time, our realities in our communities.

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What what's happened is, there have been an increasing number of sisters who have been unable to find a spouse as they got older. And obviously, your parents would not want that to happen to you. Now, I'm not saying that if you don't get married at the age of 20, you know, you're, you're, you're gonna lose the lose the ability to get married or the opportunities, right. I'm not saying that. But what I'm saying is, at least by highlighting that to your parents, it will kind of put the thought in their mind that any when opportunity to get married, does come along. It's something that parents should take seriously. When somebody proposes or somebody is interested. It means that it's like a

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type of

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risk from Allah, I would see as, and it's something worth taking seriously, right? The Prophet sallallahu Sallam encouraged fathers that if a man comes to you, for your daughter's hand in marriage, and

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you know, you're satisfied with his personality, his his manners and his Deen, then you should

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marry your daughter to him, should make it easy for him to marry your daughter. And he said, if you don't do it, then there'll be a lot of fitna in the land. There'll be a lot of

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temptation and evil spreading in the land.

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And so he encouraged us to really take proposals that come seriously.

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Now, you're saying further on in the email that

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you've never been approached from marriage?

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And that you've tried to be patient and you've been on certain websites, etc, looking, potentially for a spouse?

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First of all, there's nothing immodest about

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wanting to seek a spouse, you know, for a woman to actively look for a spouse, there's nothing immodest about that. Right? Because you're literally seeking to do the hell out right. Now, obviously, the way you go about that

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matters. But going on a website and looking for a spouse is not an immodest thing, right. At the same time, I would kind of discourage you from doing that at this stage. You know, because you're literally at the early stage of even thinking about this and

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any bringing your, your parents on board with this. And so I would encourage you, first of all, to

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go through your parents and try to soften at least one of your parents up to the idea. And then you know, what you'll notice is that once your parents are on board, then hopefully more doors will open up because

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What tends to happen is,

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once parents are actively enrolled into wanting their child to get married, right, or helping their child to get married,

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they have access to people, you know that they have literally have access to aunties and people who know other people and a whole network of people who are looking to get married. And usually, that is a really good way for people to get to hear that, okay? So and so has a daughter, you know, she's of marriageable age. And then usually people will inquire right for marriage, and they will come to meet you, maybe, and etc, etc, through your parents. Now, if that's not there, and if that's not happening, and you feel like, nobody's willing to help you get married, etc, then I would be patient, but also keep trying with my parents. Because what I wouldn't want you to do, sister is to

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go online, or, you know, to kind of develop a relationship with somebody, and then your parents shut it down. And for you to have any kind of emotional attachment to that person, you know, because that's gonna really hurt, that's going to really hurt. And what I would instead encourage you to do, is to keep working on your parents, even if that means Okay, they don't respond well. And to wait for a few weeks, right?

00:36:47--> 00:37:13

And then try again, a good moment, you know, find a time when your parent is at a good in a good frame of mind, to talk to you, and really try to enroll them into what you're trying to do right into your vision into your WHY, WHY IS marriage important to you? Why are you ready for marriage, now, it's really important for you to share some of those thoughts, in a sensitive way with that parent,

00:37:14--> 00:37:21

even if it means waiting a few weeks, and then doing it again. If you go online, and then you find somebody and you really like them.

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And your parents are not even enrolled in the idea of helping you get married,

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that's going to be a very negative and painful situation for you to be in. So at this stage, I would focus on trying to get your parents on board, right. And if the some, somewhere along the way, a proposal comes along, or somebody comes along, or you meet someone

00:37:49--> 00:38:12

who you would really like to get married to, then don't allow that relationship to develop, to a situation where you're emotionally attached to that person, I would really discourage you from doing that. And I know that it's easy to even form emotional attachments to people without doing anything like her arm, you can literally

00:38:14--> 00:38:20

become infatuated with somebody, or you can start really liking somebody from a distance.

00:38:21--> 00:38:37

And I know it's really hard. I know, it's hard. You know, I've been at that stage of life myself, and it is hard. But forming any sort of attachment doesn't make it easier, it will make it more painful. So

00:38:38--> 00:38:48

in the meantime, sister, while you know, maybe your parents are delaying it a bit, and etc, what I would really encourage you to do is to develop yourself as much as you can

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to be the best muslimah that you can be and to be the best wife and the best worshipper of Allah that you can be, you know, this, there's no shortage of things that you could be busying yourself with. While you're not able to get married, for example, seeking knowledge, seeking knowledge of Islam, you know, learning to read of Quran learning the basics of your religion, and then progressing in that and really taking, studying Islam seriously,

00:39:25--> 00:39:26

as well as your other studies

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and developing yourself in whatever way you can for adulthood. Right? I would really encourage you to do that. Because what can happen sometimes is that when you're at this age, you feel really like you really, really want to get married and it's so urgent on your mind. And then when you do get married, sometimes you can start thinking Oh, I wish I had done this. I wish I had learned this and that before I got married before I had responsibilities on my

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Hands, you know, because I know a number of sisters, for example, who, who did get married, and they had children very quickly after that. And

00:40:10--> 00:40:33

you know, they now after they've had children, they they're trying to learn how to read of Quran, they realized how important it is for them to be able to read the Quran properly, to be able to know that Islam properly, because now they're going to be a mother, right, they're going to be responsible for educating another Muslim. So.

00:40:34--> 00:40:50

And sometimes those sisters, they wish that they'd done that, you know, while they had more free time. So I'd really encourage you to not stop in your own self development, and to really take it seriously. Because the more you study, the more you

00:40:51--> 00:41:10

more proficient you become, in your knowledge of Islam. And also, you know, the more you kind of learn how to run a home, things like being able to cook, being able to do those kind of basic things, right organizing and running a home and helping out and, and that sort of thing,

00:41:11--> 00:41:26

the more prepared you're going to be for marriage. Because although romance and love and companionship, those are all important aspects of marriage, believe me once the honeymoon period is over, right?

00:41:27--> 00:41:31

Once that, I would say the first six months or the first year is over,

00:41:32--> 00:41:59

you know, there's practical stuff that you just need to get on with, as a couple, right. And that stuff doesn't get done by romance alone, right through romance alone, not at all, that stuff gets done through hard work and capabilities and competence. And so the more competent you are, in terms of running a home in terms of

00:42:00--> 00:42:23

being able to cook, and do all those basic things that most women will do, right, once they get married. Not that that's all marriages, but I'm you know, I'm literally being practical with you and real with you. those skills are just so important.

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If you can spend the time that you have, while you're not able to get married, developing and honing those important life skills, then when you do get married,

00:42:36--> 00:42:52

you know, those things will be a breeze and Sharla and it will be a lot easier. And you won't be kind of thinking I wish I wish I'd learned to cook before, you know, I wish I'd learned to be able to do this and that before I wish I'd learned to read the Quran properly before.

00:42:54--> 00:42:58

So yeah, I would really encourage you to develop those skills and one of the kind of

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bonus effects that will probably result from you taking a more keen interest in things like running the home and helping your mom and helping run your own parents home.

00:43:13--> 00:43:42

You know, and cooking and things like that is that they'll probably realize and see that you're getting more and more mature, and that you are ready to get married. Right? Because if you're not really a responsible person, if you're not being mature person in their eyes, then that's probably going to lead to them thinking well, you know, do you know do to really, really doesn't realize

00:43:44--> 00:43:53

how tough life can be and how much of a responsibility is to run a home. So the more you show them that you know you are a responsible person and that you are

00:43:55--> 00:44:03

you have developed into a lady or a young lady, hopefully they will come around. And if

00:44:05--> 00:44:26

your parents don't come around, then I would suggest that you approach maybe an uncle right? Or an auntie somebody who is close to one of your parents and really kind of somebody obviously who's who is of good character and will be able to keep things private and also somebody who who may be

00:44:27--> 00:44:31

would be a really good advisor, if you know somebody like that.

00:44:32--> 00:44:59

Who could probably talk to one of your parents about it. Right? But again, always emphasizing to your parents that you respect them that you love them. You want to do things properly. You want to keep them involved, your their opinion is important to you, and that you just want them to show you what's the best way to go about it, you know, and the best way and, you know being open to whatever issues they were

00:45:00--> 00:45:23

And being willing to not necessarily reply to every issue that they raised straight away, you know, just say, oh, let me think about it, you know, and be willing to consider. Often when it comes to our parents, we need to kind of take stock of their background, their history, their concerns, you know,

00:45:24--> 00:46:15

and really take on board, why they see things the way they do, and truly understand their psychology and the way they have been brought up, etc. and their concerns. And what that does is it helps us to not not feel anger or not feel kind of resentment towards our parents, instead, we we really understand our parents deeply. And that helps us to come across in a more positive way, and to show our parents that we actually listening to them, and that we do care about their opinion. You know, anyway, that's where I would start with all of those things that you mentioned. So enrolling your parents finding a really good time to talk to one of your parents, and persevering with that gently

00:46:15--> 00:46:35

and nicely in the best way that you can. In the meantime, developing yourself, making sure you learn to read, learn how to read the Quran, focus on the Quran, focus on developing your life skills, things like cooking, and being able to run a home and all of those things that

00:46:36--> 00:46:59

really are important later on when you do get married, showing your parents that you've become an adult. And last, but not least, and really, this isn't least at all. In fact, I probably should have mentioned it first. And that is, dear sister that you should make or you shouldn't make sincere sincere

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for Allah subhanaw taala to help open your parents hearts,

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and to facilitate you getting married.

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I remember myself as a 19 year old, I wanted to get married when I was about 18 or 19.

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And

00:47:22--> 00:47:38

I also wanted to carry on with my studies. And I really couldn't see how I would be able to do that. Because I knew that once you get married, you know, you probably have children quite soon after that. And, you know, even if you don't have children,

00:47:39--> 00:47:45

it's still a big responsibility and a big change. And it's a big ask sometimes to expect

00:47:46--> 00:47:48

your spouse to kind of

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come along with you in whatever things you want to do. Right? Although, obviously, is something you can mention when you're getting married and negotiate. I didn't feel to me like it was a very easy thing for somebody to accept, you know, their wife, studying full time or studying at all, while trying to run a home etc. So I remember I one of the hours that I would always make to Allah was this. I would say to Allah, Allah wants to get married. And I want to be able to study and I don't know how I'll be able to do the two of them.

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But nothing is impossible for you. Yeah, Allah.

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And so yeah, Allah somehow make it possible. Somehow facilitate your life. Nothing is impossible for Allah subhanho wa Taala. And it's Allah who turns people's hearts. He is the one who's going to soften your parents hearts, right? He's the one who's going to help you find it, find a spouse, ultimately, and he's the one who's going to show you the right way. He's going to show you the right way.

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So I would really encourage you to make sincere that pour your heart out to Allah. Literally tell him everything that is in your heart, every feeling that you're feeling, every pain that you feel, and tell Allah Subhana Allah although he knows tell him Yeah, Allah, I just want to seek the halaal I want to do things the halal way, and you're allowed to keep your laws. I want to obey you your law. So y'all Allah make it easy for me. Y'all law facilitate marriage for me. How do

00:49:47--> 00:49:49

I call to you?

00:49:50--> 00:49:56

To ease this hardship is 30 years put me through in my

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car two years

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Use my pain.

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In my surgeon in sha Allah, Allah subhanho wa Taala will respond. And if it becomes really difficult, please wake up in tahajjud in the last third of the night, and pray to look out for Allah and in your search does make dua that Allah Subhana Allah helps you to find a spouse helps you to get married, and facilitates it and makes it easy in the minds of your parents. So dear sister, I hope that all of that has been useful to you. It's a starting point. It's not meant to be like, you know, a long term strategy. It's really, you know, a kind of a mid term or short and mid term strategy for you. And I pray to Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah makes it easy for you. And Allah Subhana

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Allah, Allah grants you a wonderful spouse, and that he helps you in every single way. And hopefully, you know, Allah smart Allah will facilitate your marriage

00:51:14--> 00:51:21

zacky love hearing. Hope that helps. Salaam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

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Good day