Channel: Edris Khamissa
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Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh explaining to us 11 you are listening to a mushrik on radio Islam International. Thursday mornings we usually speak to Uncle Cammisa for the tap into your potential program and today we are honored to have him in the studios. This is salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato walaikum salam wa rahmatullah wa barakato. How are you? Nice to see and how's this Shabaab Alina. She's doing good. Um, the last year would be in Johannesburg for a change. And I've been a naughty husband, we spent too much time with her. I think I'd be spending more time one hour hours you know
Mashallah, I get this dreamy discussing about children and I've got in front of me a document I'll read out and inshallah we'll get your input from there. It says there is children live with criticism they learn to condemn if children live with hostility, they learn to fight. If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive. If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves. If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy. If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty. If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. If children love tolerance, they learn to
patient they learn patience, and it goes on. It's a quite a lengthy one. But we'll start off from the start. Yeah, I'm pretty decent. And inshallah we'll get to expertise in this regard. The first one says, This is children livers criticism, they learn condemned. Yeah, you see, one of the things is this, that when a child Alhamdulillah is brought into this world, the bond with fitrah. And when
they grew up in a home with this constant criticism, negativity, as such, what it does, it does not engender love, in fact, what will happen, the opposite will happen. They begin to condemn things, they begin to have negative attitudes towards things. It's very, very important to see in life. You have to show appreciation, these are prophetic methodology from vanilla. And abyssal Aslam was the most beloved of profits, his relationship with children spy excellence, you know, and I think is very, very important. That, you know, our nervous system also reminded us that believers are like mirrors and to each other. And that mirror would show you exactly what it is, he could recognize the
goodness of whiteness, the beauty and the purity. At the same time, it will show you maybe there is an area that you may not have seen. Maybe let us say I use this metaphor. Let's say you're wearing a white bathrobe. And you go to the mirror, and you said, Oh, I did not know there was a spot there. Now, he does not diminish the spot. He does not amplify it. But he recognizes the other pure paths. So it's a beautiful, beautiful metaphor. And I think it's also a lesson for us to learn. When we are doing appraisals and redoing evaluation. Many people complain to me, and I've seen it happen, where there's so much of negativity, where you do not recognize the hard work, the commitment, the
passion, and you then ask the person, is there no good in me? Is there no good in me? And he tries out no good in me what he does, it must it often impacts on your relationship with the person who's supervising you is critical of you, you learn to condemn them, you seek it to have malice. You know, you know, oppression what planet descend upon you. These are things you begin to surface those individuals. And it's very important because the attitude some parents have no I got to be harsh with my kids. This is how my father brought me up. But remember, at that time, when your father brought you up, there was a lot of love from other members of the family, the uncle split apart, the
siblings paid apart the grandparents paid apart, the society played apart, but they say it takes a whole village to bring up a child. Now what is also very critical about this. Today we are living in a nuclear family is often the father and the mother. And also nuclear family. In many cases, it is the absent father syndrome. The mother plays the part. And as a result, this has tremendous ramifications and dynamics. So I think it's very, very important that the impact is people need to understand. I used to wonder many years ago in my naivety, when psychologists used to speak about that what happens in the first five years impacts on you for rest of your life. What you learn in
the first five years, you will never learn in the rest of your life. Because children absorb experiences. Children learn by what they see. And that's important. So you have to be the role model and treat them and in fact, you know what happens when these things happen with criticism. It impacts on the child's lives.
Nowadays, whenever I deal with marital issues, I often ask the people tell me about your childhood experience, was it a happy childhood?
And then you learn. When a wife complains, you know, this man doesn't show me any emotional affection. I dealt with someone just the other day, he said to me, his mother passed away when he was a little kid. And soon after that his father passed away we see that grow up in that environment of love and affection. So no one is born vicious and evil. Like I said, you know, last week and I put a message in my Facebook, I said, children are born
to obey. But they are socialized into disobedience, they are socialized into disability is a learned behavior is not intrinsic, it's not part. It's something that the embrace from around them, you know.
And at the same time, a parent has the well being of his child. He says, I don't want my child to go through this lane. And I don't want him to experience this problem. So naturally, the criticism comes on. So how much is too much? And how much should be allowed? No, I'm not suggesting there has to be latitude. People have this is one of my favorites words, they use erroneous notion that discipline is equal to punishment.
The two different things, the purpose of discipline is what? Now, the most important thing is start off with extrinsic discipline. In other words, a child, that role model, the first P is for any child, other parents, the child observes the behavior. And I have an opinion my theses is that if those fears, let us say, for some reason, they want to do experiment, this is, as long as we are in front of the kid will never walk with this crowd around the house. The child never learned to walk, a mother will never learn to walk. You don't I'm saying to you, now you'll find that children mimic adult behavior, I can understand that little fathima. He sees a mother in a burqa, she wants very
little Fatimah wants to get the highest shoes of the mother, a little fatty mouse put the lipstick, you know what I'm saying to you. So this is natural inclination towards that natural increase for the parents. Now, I see the following. I say that for every little thing, you must not reprimand children, what you need to do is teach them consequences of behavior. So I spoke about discipline, they look at the parent, and they want the whole idea of discipline is learn self discipline, they learn controls. In other words, they behave in such a way knowing full well that my father is not yet allies yet, that I am alone. But yet I need to do the right things not so much what you do in
the public daylight what you do at night, it's about that kind of sub discipline. It's about learning. Eternal self control is about learning these things about your knifes and all these areas right? Now, when you ensure grow up, let's look at it in a harsh environment where these fear and intimidation what they learn. They learned compliance but not commitment. They will do things to please you but not to please themselves. And suddenly when you are not, yeah, you passed away the same child, what you have really done, you have incubated a monster, and you want to run wild while I see it happening in the best of our homes. So I think you know, parents themselves need to be self
aware. They need you know, they say psychologists say 85% of the time, what we say to kids is negative, you are useless. You are stupid. You know, I don't know why you're born. You know, they say those nasty things. Now, what does it do? You may see how well is nothing. It impacts on the child. It becomes an embedded part of him. He begins to believe it. That negative thought on your part leads to an child's negative self talk. When he doesn't do well at school he says no. I expected this my father expect this of me. Of course, I am useless. You see in many of them as they grow up begin to have suicidal thoughts you
amazing indeed. You're listening to radio Islam international industry as we've got uncle Idris camisa. We are speaking about children. And you've got in front of us the document. The first line reads if children live with criticism, they learn to condemn the second one Listen to this. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. That's it. You see now let's look at this scenario. They say a child grows up in a home with the father and mother at each other's throats. constantly fighting these anger, these abuse these curses going on. The child would think that's a no where he does not see any sign of Nicole
He doesn't see the fact that you can disagree, but you don't have to be disagreeable. He doesn't see any sign of people saying, sorry, I made a mistake, please forgive me, they see none of it. And then what happens? In fact, this has happened. I know, I've been to some schools, in the UK, one particular school, they were complaining that these little boys who come to school in the foundation phase in the early stages of schooling, they got no respect for the female teachers whatsoever. In why, because the Father has not shown respect to the Mother, the Father, you know, and sometimes as a kid, this is what you know, when you get a medical boy, this is what you're going to deal with,
say those painful things, harsh things. And really, to me, these are words of habits, these are words of individuals, you know, who need to have a real look at what they are doing. And and at the same individuals, when the spouse passes away, then they begin to cry and they emotionally say, my gosh, I should have been more loving. Why do you want your wife to pass away first and you understand how much you miss her? We want you to pass away before you understand what it means to be a woman, the feminists be a feminine in terms of the what the qualities are, why are they venerated in the eyes of Allah? Why via Nabi sallallahu, wasallam Mother, Mother Mother first before the
Father, why? Well what is all about? And that's very important, but more than that, marriage is a sacred institution. I mean, I'm not saying that I'm the best husband in the world, we often speak by my Tsushima, berlina, son to my wife has made this one deal for the stage. That's a no doubt is
the I don't know this lady.
You know what I'm saying to you. So these are, these are very important things. You see, the idea is this. There are times that things will upset you. It has taught me you got to be abusive and vulgar. It does not mean, you know,
couples come to me. And they say to me, you know, the doctor son passed this metric and leaving score. They say we cannot thank you enough, you know, next year, I said, No, the child learned nothing from me, the child and from you. I see your relationship with your wife, the social etiquette.
And I see no child. So amazing. Indeed. The lines are open, oh, double 18541548 the SMS line is Oh, seven triple 218384, we are discussing about children in the mentality around their
younger brothers and sisters, I would like them to phone the station. I'm not asking for dodworth and all that.
Please from the station, because I must tell you, rarely, and I say it from my heart. You know, the joy, I get the joy I get that sometimes I meet some of the listeners. And they say to me, one lady told me the other day, and he thought about my ego. He said, You know, I will never ever miss your program. You know, it brings me joy, then what he does, it makes me realize that things we're talking about has some worth. He's touching someone's heart. So we'd like them to share with us talk on any topic they want. anything they want personal development, potential children, and to look at what we are saying to add to enhance our discussion, because I always learned from my beloved
listeners on handling the loss of love. And that's what we like from your
personal account from somebody.
The next one recently raised his children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive is now when
a child grows up in a home where the father is authoritarian. We they are harsh forms of punitive measures and punishment. The child is going to fear he could have a profound impact on his mind the psychology
he could impact on the self esteem, impact on the relationship with people. And as a result, because of that now, he will live he'd be apprehensive. he'd become timid, he'll be fearful. He would take tentative steps. It would for him. The idea is I'm useless. Even he has something worthwhile to say and keep quiet. He'll never say anything. In fact, impact on his physiology, it will also impact on his vowel system in impact on so many different areas. When he looks at himself, he would know themselves. In fact, many parents do not know this.
And I suppose many parents do not know this and I'll say it again. Many parents do not
Notice that many of the children who live in this environment, these kids hide themselves to speak, and they say yada, yada. Why am I born in this house?
Why was I born in this house? Take me away.
Sometimes we could be the cause that means you absolutely. If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves. Yeah, that's the point. You know, when
you know what life is all about life throws his challenges his curveball, know you he has ups and downs, the vicissitudes of life. They speak about life. That's life, all about what every hardship daisies. Now, when your child's been through some challenge, and when the parents themselves go through a challenge, and they begin to feel sorry for themselves, they have a victim mentality, say Allah, why are you subjecting me to this? The child grows up in that environment, and what happens to the child, that is a child taking ownership of his life, he begins to be sorry for himself. And as a result, he becomes a spectator. He's not actively involved. He does not say yes, this is a
challenge. And I it my attitude can change. I recognize it's a challenge. But I need to be positive, I need to not to succumb to it, as let me do something about it. Now what happens? Many people sit at home, they cut themselves to society, they say, Oh, nothing I can do. You know, my life is like this. A good example is use of Dahlia, you know, look at him. I just mentioned him this morning. I mean, what a wonderful show that he was. He was a young boy who understood his mortality. He understood his failed nature. He understood the concept of time, he had supportive parents, Nazir and Fatima and was seen the brother, incredible young boy, incredible young boy, what he achieved in
his short lifespan. I wonder what we can achieve in many lifespans he's involved with the community is involved the wider society, he was like a mercy unto all mankind. And therefore, I'm not surprised people of all faiths came to his janazah because he is a eloquent example of a young boy who understood service to humanity. He was not learning to earn but to serve and activists. At some point. He didn't feel sorry for himself. He He did not when he spoke to him, he indulged you, he spoke to you. He wanted to be stimulated. He asked many questions about life. He was creative what he did, and that's the point. The point is feeling. Sorry for yourself, what happens to you that
people get tired of you, it will get tired of it. Therefore, Nabi sallallahu, alayhi wa sallam said was the effect, you need to compare yourself with people in the worst of situations than you are. And once you are exposed to that, that makes a big difference in interested in. Well, why why do people feel sorry for themselves as it is? That's a question to ask. Yeah, if they feel sorry for themselves, because people around them aid in a bit them, you know, you see or you know, by or, you know, you wait for such difficulty by you know, it's so hard you been through, you know, you know, you cry with them and whatnot, you you see that just people that are surrounding your toxic people,
you know, toxic people, you know, people around you must give you hope. Islam is our hope and optimism.
If I find that someone was manipulating the parents when they feel that they are being pitied all the time, so they use it quite often the emotional angle that they do they know kids are very, very sharp. Let me tell you, kids know how to manipulate the parents and therefore what is important. Parents themselves must have a commonality of vision, how to bring up the child when the mother says no, the child knows daddy is gonna say yes, Mommy, Daddy, you can say nothing.
interesting indeed. Oh 718541548 the SMS line oh seven triple 218384 you can interact with us in Sharla live on the program. The next line reads if children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
That's the point. Right? Now what happens?
We've got a column, a column for the salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa Alaykum Salaam Milena given an 11. I need to know please from a Islamic point of view, what is the Sharia ruling on corporal punishment for children? I don't need the speakers point of view the Sharia point of view what is it? Is it allowed and if so, how much? I suggest you get hold of our move to have a hold on.
I want to ask you people there now please.
You want the Syria point of view? I'll share with you what my knowledge of the Sharia is a lesson on the edges. You welcome my brother, right?
I will not be allowed to sell them. The only time he spoke about disciplining a child was the time of Salah. Now it's a very unplayed Allah bless the brother for sharing this. And if I'm wrong, inshallah someone's will correct me and I'm open to this, I will not be allowed to sell them said you must introduce Salah to a child at the age of seven. And if he does not read at the age of 10, then you could beat your child. Now there are many things that are relevant in this. The assumption is long before the child is seven, the parents are reading Salah, and kids will be inclined towards it. Islam is about gradualism. So you've got seven to 10 years, to encourage the child to read Salah
to motivate him to his level of understanding. Psychologists have said that the child's personality is formed at the age of 10. And when he reached the age of 10, he doesn't really to please you is Ed in shadow priests allies intrinsically motivated. So when it comes to corporal punishment, I will not be stressing the only time he spoke about beating a child was about Salah. And he spoke about from seven to the age of 10 is what gradualism is about encouragement. And therefore it's very, very important, because in the end, subsuming this you cannot be hypocritical. You cannot demand kids do things you don't do it yourself.
A message coming through from afar minty, I was taught by Idris camisa when dealing with learners and children always defuse the situation and sincerely show love whereby they will open up to you take them for a drive or mow check or to a restaurant and make the learner feel important and give him or her hope and see how the learner confides in you. way after whatever you offer will be appreciated and practice from using his guidelines in many
different many different classes.
hamdulillah we've got another quarter Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah.
Jesus, I try to remain anonymous. I'd like to find out what happens if one parent says no. And the other parent says yes, what happens in that situation when both are not on the same wavelength?
He says that when that sister that's a very, very dangerous thing. Very, very dangerous thing. In fact, I want to share something with you. One of the four reasons why the divorces in the in the community is when the father and mother have a divergent philosophy, how to bring up the child. Now, what often happens, sometimes one parent is harsh, and the other parent wants to compensate, and they are more liberal. Now, when one of the parents is undermined, that child will show little or no respect for that individual. Statistically, whether we like it or not, our sisters outlive us statistically, if our sisters have not been given dignity in accord by the husband, in terms of
respect and love and affection, and is not given any authority with the Father become the single most important individually in terms of dishing out the discipline or whatever. And that becomes quite problematic. And one of the tests Therefore, it is not for you to so by chance that when I do premarital counseling, one of the areas that we speak about is about children, what are your views about children? How should you discipline it? So I think both parents need to speak about it. And no one must be undermined in the presence of the other. If you disagree, disagree, agreeably, please, important to speak about it privately. Because in the end, what happens kids are very, very sharp in
manipulating one against the other. And unwittingly, you might be incubating a monster. So there was supposedly we're not doing policies, yes.
All right. If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty. Yes, you know, one of the things that,
you know, shame is also the idea of humiliation, and all of that right, and what it does to them, that they feel a sense of guilt. Now, children themselves must understand they are
not complex, that sense, you must understand they born with a clean sheet as it were, and the attitudes and values come from the home and the children are going to make mistakes, right? Yes. I'm not saying and I don't want the brother that phone to understand this. I'm not saying this should not be any disciplinary measures. In fact, I'll say the following. Children need to be rewarded for good behavior. And there has to be negative consequences for bad behavior. You cannot protect your kids.
Some consequences of behavior, if you overlook your children's misdemeanors. If you excuse it, they grew up thinking that you know what, this is what life is all about. If my mom and dad can protect me from the consequences of that behavior, then I can do things with impunity. Now, this is the whole point is the point is this that
we need to create in our children love to do good things, we need to create them a love for Allah, Allah for Nabi sallallahu, wasallam we need to understand these things because in the end, children misbehave for six reasons, we need to find the underlying reasons for the misbehavior. The one is just out of excitement, the other is act of revenge, the other for the sense of immediacy, the other because of negative peer pressure, the other because of the superiority and the last one because they feel a sense of inadequacy. So, so, the So, in other words, you got to understand that misbehavior. Now give you a personal example, personal example, I got a lot of hiding from my
it was not easy, a lot of hiding. But that was in the initial years. But I had a mother, who was who made me understand what was happening to me. I had an uncle and aunt had all of them, my father's friends. So I understood then, that my father's anger was not out of malice towards me. Right. And, and, and much later in life. I mean, after my teenage years and whatnot, I really connected emotionally, my father, we began to hug each other every day, whenever we used to meet. I mean, I would go to a hall, my dad was on push ups and I was in Durban, I would walk across the hall Jima hug, you know, that's what I should do. And we really began to love each other deeply. I initially,
I did not think that my father cared for me. But now, I'm going to say now, I mean, I mean, many years ago, I realized how much he loved me. And I think it's very, very important because kids perception is their reality. Because in the end, you got to understand this year, you around on this earth, and what is your objective your objective is so that my child shala can be empowered the right kind of attitudes and their values. And you know, when you speak about Islam, you can see it in the comprehensive sense. You must not be selective about Islam, our Islam, if you look at Nabi sallallahu, alayhi wa sallam. I mean, he has so many examples, that one example when you kiss his
grandson, a Bedouin set more profitable, like attention, I've not kissed any one of them are Debbie's law Some said was to this effect, they are two variations. The One is if you do not show mercy, Allah will not show you mercy. And the other one is, other one is, it's not my fault, illegible mercy from your heart. Now, the other thing is, I mean, they saw me some example of that little child was bird passed away, right out of the slicer meant to him to show compassion because he understood you know, he did not say as many parents are so dismissive, but you crying but a little bird. He could see from the child's perspective, that bird was his whole world. We need to go
for jihad. The kids in Medina has to wait for him to return. Right? I mean, his interaction, his love for Bibi Fatima, his love for his grandchildren. Even when he was in Medina when he was giving a talk he's been down this is sit on his back and it's really Salah netlist very very important because there's some people think now you got your heart with our kids come on man. How did your kids what you're going to build you're going to build a killed a kid with resentment a bill a kid with anger you bill a kid with hostility you bill a kid that can have negative thoughts about life is almost so I'm the home is a sanctuary is a place in which children are stimulated, they lead by
Oh, double 18541548 you can call in a few minutes left for the program and inshallah interact with us. The next time if children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. That is a very powerful statement. In fact, there is a study that has been done. This is quite a fascinating study. They had the groups of children to write in a test. And then the test finish. The kids are done was the same, right? And so the teachers with all of that class, you must praise your children. Now praise is saying Oh, you're brilliant, you know, you've got such a mind you like it. Those things in using superlatives. Then the other group were told we encouraged the city you know you did well, you
know, let's see what we can do. Okay, it was a big party.
With the support, then they were asked as a collective, we're going to give you a chance who's going to be more difficult family if you would like to sit for the test, guess what happened?
Those kids that were praised were reluctant to sit for the test, because you put them in cloud nine, right? For the other group were prepared to participate in charisma is a very, very important thing. It is like this one of my friends, Mama Bashir, reader, who is a parenting expert is a Canadian, Egyptian, whether was in Canada, he shall is coming down. He gives an example he says, you know,
imagine now, your son wants to read, come to the most, and read his first Salah with you, you you make him stand next to you. But after two rakaats he becomes, you know,
in the sense he becomes restless, and agitated. For example,
when you finish your Salah, you have a few options. You can either ignore it, or you can get the money to say or no bring you here. Or you can tell him you know, Muhammad, Allah loves your two rockets. Allah was pleased with you. Let's see tomorrow, we can increase it paprika. You see what I'm saying to you on this site must be this site must be ideal with the wounds of our society. I deal with kids, that contemplates you say we are a puma that is bleeding. And we as parents are the critical critical role players. We as fathers have a significant role to play. We need to lead by example. Yes, none of us is infallible, but it's important. Now, do you? Do your kids run through
you? Do they shave with you watching their heart? Do you have conversations with them? Is the culture to one of love and affection? I'm not saying there must not be consequences. Please don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you must be just lenient and ignore them. No, I said this I important things that culture, you're free to reform. Now. Would your kids pay for you when you die? How would you like to be remembered by them? Are they closer to Allah? Because of you? Are they closer to the dean because of you? Have they embraced the exam? Why because of you. On the other hand, they are running away from the dean because of you.
There is your concluding remarks. You've got the end make the ketchup and inshallah We'll end of
your concluding remarks. Alhamdulillah it's good to be here. I am to say does acknowledge the people have found you know, the sister asked about the husband wife, the brother spoke about the Sharia in terms of discipline, and of course, Muslim minty was sent a next message and after the law shifted me I like to keep the families together. Me the days ahead be better than the days behind inshallah we all of us die with the man maybe die in such a way that Allah is pleased with us maybe die respectable deaths, maybe maybe lead a life of significant challenges or plans for the rest of the day uncle? No, no, no, I shall know i'll see you this evening as might confirm on it for counseling
Allah Allah, Allah.
Allah Allah de como hacer la he or market