Channel: Edris Khamissa
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Salam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh Welcome to Al mushrif on radio Islam international 12 minutes after 11, a beautiful Thursday morning here in the lenasia. area, Plaza HSR is currently on a holiday and happy Baba, that's my name. And I'm standing in for him in Sharla. Our guest as usual on a Thursday morning,
how you keep on Christmas morning.
You know, in life, one thing that is in our control the attitude
and wanting to feel despondent isn't going to help you. If you've been to other people, if you've been great members of your family.
You know, sometimes it is natural to be under pressure, and you are under pressure, then your family must give me a chance to just be quiet for that moment, you know, they understand allow you to unwind, but if you're quiet every day is not interact with them, then that is
very, very important. Because there is another segment today and we discuss some very personal issues. And we started with the please share with us the key ingredients of a happy, blissful and harmonious and a successful marriage.
You know what in life, all of us want to spend time in a happy home, you want your home to be a sanctuary you want your home, where your wife or your husband understands you and allows you to be who you are. And for me, you know, there are many, many critical attributes and under the law, you know, we learn this beautiful example by the most beautiful exemplar Nabi sallallahu Sallam pointed down the chair that come across in the recent past, is that
and I remember asking this question in our of my beloved wife, I said to her, you know, do you like our lifestyle? Or do you prefer to have a lifestyle in which, you know, you got no kids, you got in a number of servants at your beck and call, where you don't even do any cooking? Nothing,
no money, nothing.
You could do whatever you want, do whatever you want to know about them.
that the reason for asking was the following.
Demand is not only about the feelings you have for each other, but also what you do for each other.
Those things that you do for each other,
your clothes, and you find that when you lose your loved one she passed away, in the last few days, with all the things that you have done together, and the things that she's done for you. Now, when things like cooking, things like nursing, the children, the things like feeding the children, things like getting your homework done, and all of these things are delegated to people, I'm not saying that, you know, we should not try to lead as comfortable as possible. But some things in life, you cannot delegate, you cannot delegate your love, you cannot for example, as I used to do, what is your responsibility, because as parents, we are primary educators, and I find that increasingly I'm
finding that it's without you know, I must suggesting that the senior center of the issue, when I find when couples do not do things to each other, and support each other in that way. They so much of the time the almost like the king and the queen in a in a material sense, you find what is it that could keep you the marriage or what is it? What is it that keeps people in marriages? Not so much, you know, the luxury, right? So rather than going through challenges, what you do together as couples and I want to encourage people, I want to say this to everyone that you know, it's a it's a partnership.
And I want to measure how well you are
certified. You can
see we have some technical errors with the lines of 17 minutes ago.
The level you are listening to elementary Conrad Islamic National Fair and we try and get on with respect on a much more clearer Manisha Allah because this is discussing the importance of the key ingredient that makes up a successful marriage. It's so important in today's time and age, we find so many homes breaking up for facility facilities and facilities and issues. But nonetheless in Sharla with the help of a loss of handler Darla and following the guidelines of Rasulullah sallallahu sallam, we can go through these curves in life and also
we can try and make it much more easy inshallah 80 minutes after 11 we go for a quick break, come to my spies for the following sisters specials Blue Diamond Madame 85 grand a kilo two kilo farm gold, pure ghee, 405 rands number one Lucy for 25 grand a kilo five liter pan or sun foil 7299 diabetic rising stock fresh with jewel date in stock fried onions for 1599 a packet all of lifestyle pots from 250 rounds, so Mussa containers, 3460 rounds, that's 33 konkol. Place lenasia MOSFETs.
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cine minutes after 11 Welcome back to all mushy conveyed Islam International. Hopefully you've got ankle injuries on a much more clear and
terrain. You can hear me now, it's much more better. I mean, this you're busy discussing about marriage and tips for successful marriage.
You say being in a relationship is a full time job. So don't apply if you are not ready
to commit to being in a relationship is a full time job. So don't apply if you're not ready. For sure. So my job is 24 seven. And
one of the things that you got to understand that when you are in immigration should naturally be you want to, for example, make it easy. You don't want to oppress anyone, you don't make any person like aflame denies
that we mustn't forget in what we need to do
for each other, and that's really important, you know, like, think about
what would you remember in the end in a what would you remember remember the done together that we have done for each other, the support that we are given out reminds us that we are committed to each other in such an important and critical aspect of their government and to each other. So that is pretty important that you need to understand that particular metaphor, you know, and so I think so I want to encourage you that that you need to become actively involved in learning
Just need to actively support. Like, as long as the secondary aspect for me is also important. What you got to understand that in life, no matter how much you love someone, how much you care for someone, that you are going to have differences,
things that you're gonna disagree about, there are things that you want to do differently. Your whole approach to life in the future may be different, the way you do things about the trend, because you are the product of your home environment. And that's the nature of things. Now, it does not mean there's only one way of being the face does not also mean that because you like to do something someday, you want to impose it on your husband or your wife.
Saying that, it's okay.
It's okay, we can achieve the same ends, but it's not a problem. Want to do something differently.
So important, the lines are open Oh, double one is 541548, the SMS line Oh, seven triple 218384 the email address h Baba, that's h b o b A p s radius lumber co dot j have a busy move on further the program. Sorry, we will continue for
now, there's two aspects. The third aspect is the whole issue.
The second MOBOTIX month and Ramadan is going to come and you find it so shocking, that people made for the month of Ramadan, for them to experience the conflict. In the month of Ramadan, they talk about separation. I mean, it's a time of forgiveness, time of reciprocal understanding. And I think it's important that night, you know, we tend sometimes to leave out a lot from the equation. And in doing that, what we do is we allow shaytan to become a pivotal player in our relationship. And I think it's very important that we understand this, that we need to be forgiving. We need to suddenly forgive ourselves, forgive our partner. And we mustn't say well, why should I forgive?
Why should you not forgive? And you should not ironical that, you know, you're not allowed to forgive us is not ironical, you're allowed to hide or false. So therefore, I think be to also be the model, and to forgive, to understand, and, and there's no such thing, you know, the new people, many listeners, who might be saying, you know what,
he didn't talk, he has no idea what I will
understand that you will know what you're going through, you know, the emotion, the pain, and therefore, I would encourage you to deal with it. I know sometimes you need to see a counselor. Sometimes there is a need for an objective voice. Sometimes there's a need for both families to get involved. But it's important that when you discuss things you discuss things with love and affection, not doctor of acrimony, and anger.
Because there is an email has come through.
It says the rules for happy marriage number one, never both be angry at the same time. Number two, getting to the point.
Very important when three or four people angry at the same time, then shutdown is coming to be my rule of thumb is this at any given time, when one person is emotional or angry, the other person will be completely silent.
add to it number two fuel to the fire. And therefore the first point is so fundamental.
Number two never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. That's important. When you are yelling at each other. What are you really doing any defect? That will be the crisis is a crisis like the 10,000 on fire is a metaphor when we do something a calamity about before. For example, He knows the people say the tsunami is about half an hour away.
myself or my family my sushi Amina,
sorry to disturb you. HR, the HR can hear from you that now often are sent to tsunami.
In other words, your tone
say is dependent
in terms of the context and we didn't define yourself. So this is how the person screaming in the house is on fire.
So the next point says if one of you has to win an argument, let it be your mate. That's very important. In our it's not about scoring points, I will
also remind you that is better to render the argument, once the right to get into an argument ation, if you want to score points and if you're a winner, then the other person knows what actually has happened.
You need to look at a win win situation. The next point is you have to criticize do it lovingly. That's so, so fundamental to any relationship. Now, when you criticize someone you're going to need to love and hikma our inhibition allowed us to reminded us that believers are married and to each other.
They are meant to each other now, doesn't come to you go to the mirror, the mirror does not for example, and defines your weaknesses. And mirror, when you look at the mirror, the mirror or two recognizes the purity of many aspects of your life, the mirror will not diminish or amplify a weakness
will do things.
And that is important.
So important. The next point reads never bring up past mistakes. Or Yes, you know, I jokingly say that some of our sisters have good memories again.
You know, your wife's not darling, I'm sorry, you know, that she might remind you on the sixth of April in 1944,
on the seventh of March 1954.
Whenever it really needs to take place, you must go through the situation with continents, you must forgive the mistakes of the past. By raising the mistakes of the past, you are not the individual in a relationship. That's also very pragmatic advice. And under the next points, we neglect the whole world rather than each other.
That is, again, a significant point. Because
the relationship of marriage is one that impressed by it.
It's a sacred institution. If we can many of us have a wonderful public persona, we tend to celebrate everyone outside our home. But we tend to neglect our spouses. And that is so important for us to understand that we need to really celebrate our relationship, we need to lead a very balanced life so that none of our spouses feel marginalized. The
next point reads never go to sleep was an argument unsettled.
Now, I would say to that one, yes or no, no depends on our personalities, sometimes is important when the temperature realizes to let it sleep for a while, and to discuss it when both people are calm. And often, naturally, when I say that, you don't have to set up the argument, it does not mean that you must be
treated each other, you know, genuinely, that you have enough confidence in your husband or your wife that you matter will be discussed. So that's that's also reminds me of another issue for young people who marry me lots of young people have absolutely no idea how to deal with conflict. Now there are rights and wrongs of how to deal with conflict in many ways where many psychologists, psychiatrists, and other people will tell you how to deal with it, you will need to look at the way that is best suited to your own personalities, something that needs to be discussed prior to marriage. In that way, you can really have successful relationships. Now, it is possible to resolve
your arguments before you go to bed Alhamdulillah that if you anticipate and you know your partner is going to explain the problem is going to compound the problem.
Discuss it tomorrow.
But maybe I'm crazy. This is a problem of taking a second wife. That's the problem.
My wife said to me, that I can go to ensure maximum flow to flow.
So the next point to read at least once every day, try to say one kind of complimentary remark to your partner
Let cannot be over emphasized. Again, as I said early on, we tend to look at people outside our home, we tend to be very generous in our compliments. We tend to flatter other people, we tend to take beautiful things to them, but they're not the self esteem. Yet what we have from is beautiful,
is pure, it is innocent, it is sanctioned
by the new car, yet, we find it difficult to be complimentary. And what is even more painful is when you go to other homes, that you wax lyrical about other people's cooking and the way they do things, yet your wife is sitting there but you have never ever acknowledged. And I think that is wrong. And charity begins at home. And it's a lot of men invest a statement, that thing they need to do that I know the funny story that is
circulating, I hope is that
after a talk will realize that he must start being complimentary. And he decided that when he goes home, no matter what the life is cooked, he's going to compliment on her culinary skills. He comes home and does his wife magnet baby medallion customers. Allah bless you what a beautiful dish.
I get so nervous to Mohammed I'm so upset to be sappy be upset. And being so complimentary. I'm saying this out a long time ago, but I said I'm saying to you and I need it for years say you are complimentary today because
in the food
very amazing humans. The next point reason is this, it says when you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness, it will not decrease your dignity in any sense, important mistakes and offer forgiveness. And when you do that, therefore it becomes incumbent it becomes
then when critical your partner except your
forgiveness, you did not say Well, I'm not gonna forgive you, I'll never forgive you.
And forgive Do not forget about it. And
for any relationship to succeed, we need to understand the dynamics of relationships in any person with rigidity
and gouging you and asking you to give this we must also respond in a beautiful reciprocal way
I forgive you and inshallah pray that you continue to forgive each other that remember that
he does not make the same mistake twice.
Because it is the last point we always make to offer each other in the absence of each other for verily to are made in the absence of a person is readily accepted.
And we all know that you know, we are told
that we make for a person in his absence, not only
a army to the given that you have the other person that allows to give it to you in this beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, so, we knew a bra for your partner. Look at each other, with eyes, beautiful eyes and many of us who enjoy you know happy relationships marriages, will know that as you grow older, and and especially when you have a traumatic years of your life, then we look at each other. Even the sense of why elephant standing to say I love you I care for you. I make dua for you. You are special to me enough enough money for words No need to fabricate any stories, no need to lie. And this is something that we need to understand.
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Welcome back to American radio Islam International
Trade Minister we are continuing with the program was uncle Idris promesa. They are busy discussing rules for a successful and a blissful marriage. So it is one more message coming through it says love is shown in your deeds, not in your words.
It's very important.
show that you love, words can only support it was never replace D. It's the same actions are louder than words. And that's, I think something no one can argue against.
If you look at our life,
if we can make this integral part of our life, the people who do the beautiful things, it speaks volumes about them. And it's not so much how much of love you have is how much of love you show. It's not so much about telling, but it is about showing
that say no that word is word that today's now
significant. What SMS has come through is read love doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be through
must come to
anything that lacks charity will be hollow, it will be empty.
To understand this will move on to the another segment of the program. And that's conflict management. We see so many couples nowadays are having problems. And they don't know how to manage this conflict and how to reach an amicable solution in your marriage.
I've been telling this to so many people I do things to people that come to you for premarital counseling. You know the Quran is really really clear. If there are any issues, people from either side must come together, you know and to help couples. Now, the point I think As parents, we need to understand that quite clearly that when our children do get married, they are going to have issues adjusting to these additional marriage issues adjusting to each other. That is a natural and it becomes even more difficult now especially
When our children I have not grown up emotionally develop, many of them electing maturity, many of them who have grown up in homes of instant gratification, they get what they want, whenever they want. And when they get married, they find it hard to deal with challenges that are hard to support each other find it very, very difficult to persevere, because their life has been it's almost like a fairy tale like on document both boys and girls. And
what can you do more significant
difference, he did not know how to deal with it, they need to speak to someone with objected. And also what we encourage, if you decide to go to a particular individual, you continue to go through, if you are unhappy with the person, tell the person you know what we have decided to go to someone else. Now, the new goal to this particular person ended up being very, very confused. There are times when a particular individual counselor may be too busy, because of someone else.
long as that person has the maturity
to support you to heal each other. If you are going to go to someone, surely to score points, you should go there to show and spike your husband to see our writing, we were wrong about that. intentions are completely wrong intention. But that's what we need to do. And I think that's important. I think what happens when people get into marriage with a preconceived notion that marriage is all about romance, it's all about those beautiful things, that you're not gonna have any issues of conflict, any issues of difference, and we need to have the maturity and remember this, if you're not going to confront your fears, they're not going to contain the situation, running away
from the problem does not end sadly, and I'm saying this again, what hurt me is that many parents today, instead of being a doctor, that we are here to support you, in trying to make the marriage work that many parents do, I get to support the children, to break up marriages purely the son or the daughter has stolen
the majority. It's really, it's pretty amazing if I need to say that. And I think parents need to understand that anything in life, you are people that have I have been married
issues, so many serious issues in their life, that they want to be together.
And today Alhamdulillah the conflicts are minor, the joys are very, very great and mature and I know there is no gender on this earth in the sense that the truth isn't accurate,
it does not mean that our home has to be held on this earth and what is also fundamental to the marriage because it shows respect
to the personal dignity, you must be
You must not have any identity
you can be angry or be upset, you can be angry, you speak in a calm way, you did not find fault you did not become an individual did not become the family and the respective families and nothing can be worse for him to speak
negative things about your
business your measure of maturity. So, maybe you could elaborate more on that, in that regard. Or you see nowadays the answers the lack of maturity in Watson's
in many ways I think you know many young people and
because many of them are products of social media products or face to face communication,
difficulty in terms of the meaning of they do not understand what is it that motivates them, they do not understand what it is that you know them, what is it that brings them joy, they have no idea why they do what they do. And because of that, and not only that, they find it difficult to understand the emotions of the other
to understand their own feelings they find difficult to regulate their own feelings and to manage other people and own teams to ensure that even though the athletes can have to be potentially tense, yet we can minimize the conflict by
Adopting a different approach, and you find that
getting whatever they wanted to tension, they feel
the same methodology.
Yes, it is another question that comes up, you're mentioning, if there's a need to go for counseling, you should go to a counselor. But when does a couple decide that we need to go for counseling at the first person show in having the first when the problems started? Or should they go five months later, when the problem is already escalated?
To the point, you see, I believe, couples have the capacity to deal with issues of their own.
They cannot deal with it. The sooner the good, the counselor the better. Because often when people go to a counselor, when they contempt, there's so much
anger at an inappropriate time to go to a counselor. And you'll find that it can be counterproductive. Therefore, if you have a mutual understanding, that we feed a tribe, to settle our differences in an amicable way, and discern between what do you call it,
the little go to account there's nothing wrong with that, you know, people have this erroneous notion to be brought to account when you are looming on wrong
account for objectify your disparate experiences, and makes you understand, you know,
what are the
things that are causing the conflict, and perhaps help you to understand the underlying cause? So my recommendation is, the sooner you go, the better. You also say, Okay, these are issues of Jamaican settlement. So, specifically, maybe you could give us few examples or explain to us what kind of issues sometimes every issue, they think that they can solve themselves. For example,
the drugs, our doctors or men will say that my husband does support me, right. So the truth is, I encourage people to do is number one,
you need to develop a family routine,
routine and make sure that your family is a functional family. Your routine could include things like eating together, praying together, and
visiting together and all kinds of things. Then you have also the core family goals, what are the goals? Where do you see yourself in five years 10 your growth in terms of your spirituality, in terms of your health, in terms of their career, in terms of yourself as a collective, the other one is family values. And
we are really connected with each other, and making our relationship a functional relationship, interactive, we are responding to our diversity, and we respond to what we regard as priority. So we are feeling holistically develop and fulfill. And that is very important. There are many homes, there are no routine, the routines are purely used to mentor and the routines are nothing to do. You are biologically connected. Rarely, you're not connected to demand. You're not connected spiritually, not connected emotionally, you're not connected psychologically. And these things need to work. It needs to be a trauma thing. You know what? I mean? Like we have none of the things that
we did consciously, yes. Because you just came to me, because I'm constantly present. You're living in a homogeneous community, you're living in an extended family
support, directly or indirectly?
This what would be your suggestion? would you advise people getting their parents involved when they have conflicts? Or should they get a third party? Someone else? It depends. Again, the majority of the parents
involved, some of them can really become, you know, a very, very subjective, because my son told me this, to what he's telling me is true. Yes, it is true, but his interpretation of what you're
experiencing is interpretation. You couldn't miss certain things. And I've learned one thing to counseling, if you see a girl alone, you took the man is such a diabolical
man with the word the right piece or more underneath that you got to listen to the two voices
mature enough when you go to them and treat them with a spouse also you need to do that. But my personal preference is that if you know that discrimination
The main conflict is to go to a party. Okay, let's say if the parents do get involved, what advice would you give them?
My independence involves scoring points by saying, Yes, I told my mom not to get married, or I shall whatever, you know, this is important, I think what you need to look at is to say,
our objective, our objective is family to be together to heal them, what is the objective to support the objective to find out what are the trigger points, and you need to do that we need to be forgiving, we need to be open. And you ask people, when you make any more emotional investment in the relationship, and you really appreciate much later, because that really is that undergirds the relationship, it really solidifies the foundation. It is one of the common threads that we find nowadays in communication. Also in our marriages, yet many attempts, the wife will have to speak to a friend. And sometimes the friend is married, or sometimes she's not married, is that a good idea
Someone that has also had some traumatic experience on marriage. And she may not be the right person to give the advice. Because some of the concerns with the command demeanor, I meant to tell a friend good to talk to because they say the dealing deals, but most importantly, talk to Allah. And there's no harm talking to a friend, that does not mean your friend is the right person to give advice, because advice sometimes can be tainted by the friendship.
So it's I think it's important to most of the time, we're looking for someone to confide in us
that we know the truth is a lie.
Okay, this, you got about four minutes left to the problem, your final advisors. Before I forget.
You know, in Montana, Amanda was talking to learn more,
you know, and draw them out. And what I want to say essentially, is that, you know, my advice is, do not do anything International. Ask yourself five years, 10 years down the line? Would I say that I could have done something differently? Or would I say that I made a big mistake. Now.
That's one of the most interesting decisions in terms of separation. The other very important thing is that, you know, we are living in very, very stressful times life is so primitive, we need to understand each other and support each other, that we can be more beautiful to a man, that he comes to his wife, who embraces him who understands him and support him. And of course, similarly to the wife that they can be more beautiful for
them, who's supportive of nothing, we need to support each other. Because at the end, if you have your wife on your side, the whole world can be your enemy, you can deal with it. Your wife from your side, and you've got your parents on your side. That is the most beautiful thing that is important, especially young girls, when they get married. You can mate with someone and he is the son of someone else. You got to make sure it's not allowing him to compromise the relationship with his siblings, and his parents. I would say to all of you is this, please, if you are contemplating separation, think, think, think think an athlete thought about it. Don't be
very inspirational. There is one more SMS has come through it says Your daughter is entrusted to you by the almighty so look after her well, but your daughter in law is entrusted to you by both the Almighty Allah as well as our family. So fulfill the trust was created
very, very rapidly.
At any time to this session, and shall I say that in the month of Ramadan
with a deep profound love for Allah and His beloved to stand alone
for the wonderful program What do you hope to speak to you next inshallah. inshallah Allah bless you as salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa
barakato. It brings us to the closure of the today's edition of Al machinic. Time for me to sign off Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh