Edris Khamissa – Tap into your potential – 26.02.2015

Edris Khamissa
AI: Summary © The importance of showing appreciation to oneself and others is emphasized in these conversations. It is also emphasized that forgiveness is a choice and that forgiveness is a process that cannot be rushed. The speakers also emphasize the need for everyone to make a choice and not give up on their partner. Additionally, the importance of forgiveness is emphasized in the discussion of couples and their behavior. The segment ends with a reminder about a public program and a promise to speak again next week.
AI: Transcript ©
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Salam Alaikum warahmatullahi overcast so my name is Avi babat and welcome to this program which one is unique which usually conducts and that is tap into your potential with Uncle Idris camisa. Unfortunately when he needed to rush off for a janazah and he has asked me to stand by for him, so the program will continue inshallah as usual and we do have, this comes online, okay, Teresa Salam Alikum

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walaikum salam wa rahmatullah wa barakato my most beloved molana how are you and hamdulillah How is this I'm being a wonderful I mean, what can I say nothing to complain I'm sitting here I'm looking at the records book. I'm gay with my best friend My brother. So a month a month from Elizabeth brought together a musket. Villa and his good wife Tamiya and Baker are small and we enjoying a lot creation we reflecting on our life, and we are now in the twilight years of our life, and we make sure that these are the best years of our life.

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My brother Solomon remark really shows us into reality about what life is all about. And he or she

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is tickling me

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and he's walking away because he's an outstanding lifter today. We've got

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a scenic view we hope for provoking sorts of comments from you today inshallah, inshallah inshallah Allah,

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Masha Allah, the lines are open our level 1854154 at SMS line four double eight double five we are speaking about uncle Idris Cammisa and it is the tap into your potential program. And today inshallah we'll be discussing 10 important, most important things for a healthy relationship. And the first thing that is mentioned and good there is it says love, the special feeling that makes you feel all warm and wonderful.

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Yes, you see now that's an important thing. The thing is that many people misconstrue infatuation with love. infatuation is very intense. It brings people to get people almost Miss summarized by a few months. It turns to hate. You know, love, know, when you love Allah, that's most important. You got to love Allah, then Allah will put love in the hearts of fellow humanity. And that's the thing that is missing in our medical relationships. People say I've got issues you ask them Do you read the Quran? Do you read your Salah? Have you turned to Allah? They say no. But love is a very important bond. Like you know, like even with friendships right? Like my friend swim as they mature

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is having some quick and I'm vanilla and you smile these are passed on to me just now.

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And and you know, he and I, we are very close, but we don't agree on everything. But we are not disagree we show respect. So point that in life loving someone does not mean you've got to accept everything is what it is quite give me a sip. I'll have a sip now just akmola.

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what happens to love after marriage, I mean, the same thing is attracted you towards your partner, or the very same things. It irritates you today after being married. You know how to there was a study that was done some time ago, when they asked this lady that the night for 16 to 20 is just enough. What was the single important thing that you saw in your future husband just said to you, I want to marry you. That's my man. You went home, you celebrate Daddy, Mommy, I want him. I love him if I cannot stay without him after 1620 years to realize the reason why they married him was completely irrelevant, because marriage is much more pragmatic than that. And I think the point is

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that people lack patience today. They want Jenna on this earth, and they don't realize that you will have your ups and downs this part of life is how you deal with it, you know.

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So this has happens in life, I suppose. Number two respect, treating others as well as you would like to be treated.

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That's a very important quality. You know, we are very selective. We want people to respect us. But everyday we should just respect people treat you with dignity want people to report to you, you know, speak to you in a nice way in a loving way. Yet, when you talk to other people, you are patronizing, condescending, you are insensitive, insensitive. You become like a bully. And that's important that we know once you can do that, it's really about being self aware. Our Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam reminded us it is such a powerful I remember when I first came across this I really cried nonobese and allowed us Sallam said, far worse to break the Cowboys big the heart of a

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believer and he himself had to itvbe Ayesha that you must keep your relationships moist is about

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You know about nurturing, loving to be vigilant, and respect is a critical thing when respect is gone in a marriage, then you got to work very, very hard to restore that. How does one show respect?

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You show respect, I think the in many ways, I'll share with you five ways. The one way of showing respect is to when a person speaks to you, you do not interrupt them, you allow them to speak, that's one way of showing respect. And secondly, when a person speaks to you also, you respond to what they are saying. The third way of showing respect is you together, respect is a degree of appreciation. If, for example, I know my wife might regard me as a hypocrite entry. So right, for example, I say, I respect my wife, because the number of things she does at home, you say, you know what, I will do something for her. And the fourth way of showing respect, is to make you making sure

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that you never, ever, ever hurt the individual. And the last one, the most important one is that you pray for them. And you pray to Allah for them.

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What about you spoke about this just few seconds ago about you and your friend, you disagree? If you disagree with your spouse, is that been disrespectful? Not at all. And that's a good point to make molana people think that because I respect you, I must accept everything that you say, I mean, what kind of respect is that, then that means it's a dominant kind of relationship. Respect means for the example, that you respect the person. And when you're disagreeing with the person, you are not disagreeable to them, a nice way.

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Interesting, indeed, the third quality, appreciation to be grateful for all the good things that life has to offer.

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Very importantly, you know, what may not this is now, maybe not, this is a task on the give all the listeners at home, right? I want them to count right down the number of things that need to be cared for, to show appreciation, I promise you, they'll never finish. And once they do that, then they realize that the issues they're going through, you know, pain is insignificant, they are miniscule, they are nothing compared to so many beautiful things. The fact that you can get up unaided, the fact that you can see the fact that you've got family around you, the fact that you have you mean, the fact that you've got work, the fact that you're able to even pray to Allah again, all of these

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things are important. In that way. You need to show appreciate our inhibition allow yourself was such an eloquent example, the day when you're reading Salah, and BVI, she was concerned about what happened to him. And he said, she said to him, you know what effect the Allies promised you, you know, Jana, essentially not show gratitude for Allah

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Subhana Allah

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is his way out in the marriage, you tend to take each other for granted, you no longer show the show that appreciation, how do you maintain the sparkle or the marriage? I think it's about living consciously and with intentionality. In other words, every day you come home, you say to yourself, you know, I'm going to be a smile to my spouse's face, I'm going to bring joy to her. And I mean, you have your, you know, life itself can be quite frenetic. Some days, you have your heart days, right. But the main important thing is a reciprocal understanding that your husband, your wife needs to understand you. If I tell my wife, I should probably not my darling husband.

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You know, big I had a tough day today. And she must see what happened. He was engaged me and I say, you know what, just holding you I feel better and less important, because we tend to be very, very judgmental. We need to give each other space and that's important and every day, you know, for example, I met one of the scholars in Malaysia now, he was telling me that every two weeks, his wife and him sit down and they write down what brought joy to them, you know, in terms and what were some areas of concern. They do it every two weeks. Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah, they sit down they tweet, what do you use that you don't do it? Then you realize you might have you might think you might be

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the best husband in the world. But your wife is hurting so much. She's hurting so much that when you die, you know what she only think of the pain you gave her.

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It is a question many would ask is it necessary to show my appreciation to my partner I mean, we married for 20 years, you do cook well and I almost doing a good job at work. Twice really have to communicate this. You know what you have to this is important. This is the example of lobby center allowed you to sell them this example of our beloved Prophet sallallahu wasallam. He was a a romantic prophet. If people forget that is

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David used to come home, the first thing he did was to use a miswak. And what do you think he did after them?

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I mean, he has to be embraced each one of them, there's something we need to understand. That is fundamental. And we've got to do it, you know, because Islam is about demonstrating to

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us and reminding us, if you wherever you love, you must tell them, right? For example, like, I will stop telling my friend Halima, that I love you for the sake of Allah. And the answer, my beloved wife, you know, that we are I love this, you know, this is so important things, that you've got to do it all the time. Because, you know, as one, Mark Twain once said, that, you know, if I say something complimentary, it gives me a reason to live for the next six months.

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Okay, this is a message coming through is Rita Samadhi, can please advise me on ways to manage general anxiety, I am on medication, and I have a very wonderful spouse, but sometimes I can't seem to connect because I'm battling to stay calm.

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You know, what? It could be a number of reasons for that. Perhaps, you know, it's difficult or the form that I would speculate and see what I can share with the first one is, I think the you need to ask, to what extent is where you have this anxious personality from a young age, you need to look at your stress levels, you need to look at your priorities, how are you managing your time, to what extent you are leading a dentist's life, for what extent also sometimes, you know, some people attempt to overreact, they worry about the future, you know, and I think, you know, in Islam is critical, that we must always be friends with, of course, you worry about the long term future. And

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you need the very important thing, you know, I had the good fortune, Allah blessing to listen to this dynamic speaker yesterday, which is from, from America, you know, and she, she says, you know, that we sometimes we face some, it's a stall on other people, but we do not surrender ourselves to Allah. And if you do that, you find that it will really impact positively. And we must all be glad, the important thing is that you must always be optimistic and hopeful.

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We are discussing the point of appreciation and speaking token, eateries. komiza. Oh, 18541548, that's the number to call 18541548. Alternatively, you could SMS on four, double eight, double five in Sharla. And take your queries.

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The question is that,

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even if I show appreciation to my spouse, but if I'm not doing it genuinely, will it have an adverse effect, you see what happens when you are hypocritical, you know, the person that you're sharing your life, you know, through liquor, they would catch up, they would know, they would know you, you know, it's important, you know, to understand that it is something that it's something that we are expected to do as Muslims as decent human beings. And we need to do that. But if it's not part of the way you've been brought up, then you start doing it initially, it might be mechanical, ignition regulator, analyze it, and to come from your heart. Because you've worked with 1000s of people and

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many of people you've worked with your console them, and to what extent to the person go to feel appreciated, or totally do when they cross the ocean just to get appreciate?

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The point, the point is, this is a really such an excellent point that you raised. Now, in life, yes, you know, is good that we show appreciation, but your commitment to the individual must not be based on how much of appreciation they are showing, because we should be intrinsically driven. We need to do things not for thanks, we may do it for Allah. And because we are human beings, you know, people like to be acknowledged, you know, then that's the nature. But you must not look for acknowledgement. I know of many people who say, well, I'll never ever do this. Again. No one shows me appreciation, but Allah sees what you are doing. And Allah sees, and that's an important thing.

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Now a lot depends on your own. If you've got a low self esteem, then you feel very, very insecure. You constantly begin to speculate and you think, oh, no one loves me, and so on and so forth. And I think that's a very important point. You need to be intrinsically driven, you need to greet the sake of Allah. And we need to do remember this is you must do things not to make you happy, but you must do things must do the right thing. What I've noticed is that sometimes your spouse will go out of his or her way for to please you. And at the end of the day, when you don't get acknowledgement or you don't get an appreciation from your spouse, then they'll actually ask you How do I look today?

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So Derek, nice, how's my ACL, but first, we'll wait for you to come in without them asking. And some people are so hungry that if you don't come in, then they'll actually ask you to go one step further. And then the other thing is, if they don't get it get suddenly, sometimes look for it somewhere else. That's a very important point, a new one. And this is the whole point. You see, the thing is this. Men and women are different in many, many ways. You know, we are wired differently. Now a woman when she talks to her husband, we may want to look for solutions. We want to say no, no, why don't you do this? Do this do that they don't want that they want, they want to talk, right?

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That for them is romantic. It engages them, it connects them, right? And we're looking for solutions. Number one. The second important important thing is that, you know, what we don't do enough of is to really praise our spouses and tell them you know, elementary law, you're looking so good, you know, and they don't just tell me they say I'm really looking good turn around or Mashallah, you know, no, no, I'm so happy that I married you that just say those things. Say, that makes us unhappy, because what happened, what you are, and you are right, you know, that sadly, today, a lot of people are seeking attention elsewhere. And as a result, these are people that have

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been estimated to face adulterous relationships. And they're flirting with other people or other people.

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seducing the hearts and minds by many innocent, titillating them with those kinds of words.

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And also, just to drill on this point a little bit more, when they don't receive that acknowledgement and appreciation they become self complimentary. So what did you receive a compliment themselves in front of others?

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Some of them, some of them will do that. But also what happens is another extreme circumstances is firstly, you see that when the when the this the wife has made the effort to beautify it out to look nice for the batsman, and they're not acknowledged, okay, fine. If that's the case, then I'm not going to do this anymore. I'm not going to do any what happens? They don't pay attention to the health and to the dressing and all of those things that can also use that in a negative way. We have a caller on line in Santa Monica Moctezuma

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it is by its little concern that I am it'll become aware of it I have three members in my family and us talking about appreciation of the spouse and etc. Don't you think also that they should allow their wives to have babies so that it increases our Deen and our, our muslimeen? Because that's a new thing that's going around with the younger people. They don't want to have children anymore.

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And I have three members in my family that that are doing that at the moment.

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In our disappoint you see, therefore, I encourage so much premarital counseling is so critical. In fact, I've said it to the owner, and I take I take to them, they must not sanction any marriage if they're not going for premarital counseling, okay, superficial one, but something very, very deep with a couple to married are spoken to, they discuss to make sure they have similar value systems. Now as a result of this severe, you know, you know, we it impacts you know, I mean, one of the most painful things is if one of the partners you know, really wants a child doesn't want it I mean that's fundamental. They know besides Of course, increasing the oma a something so critical in terms

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of the family in Islam is a very important, important institution.

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But I'm just trying to understand this perhaps you think it's because of the effect on their upbringing for example, they went through they went through a very violent experience a very volatile situation with their parents that is so hated. They hated it experience so much to say no, I don't want to have the same experience of my children and other don't have it all. Right, that's it. Now if someone was asked you to does the premarital counseling, he would interrogate the devices are better, why don't you want to have kids? And if he speaks about it, then definitely he needs counseling in his intervention, because what happens then he's gonna repeat the cycle. We don't want

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the cycle to be a vicious cycle, but he wants it to be a virtuous cycle. And that is fundamental you know, hold on, however, 18541548 the SMS line four double eight double five Alternatively, you could WhatsApp 107 triple to 183843. The next point reads point number four happiness, the full enjoyment of each moment, a smiling face. That is fundamental smile is a subclass if mine is something that people speak but Nagisa loudly with seldom and you find that, you know, a sense

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People think they are those who do not smile and frown, they always got the head lower down. But when you smile, you lift up your head is suddenly you find you feel much more positive. And when you smile, people, you a people are engaged towards you, people want to have a conversation with you. People don't want to have a conversation with someone looks constipated, he looks upset, he doesn't engage with fellow humanity, we are born to interact, we are gregarious social animals. And we need to understand that smile is a really it's a precursor to a lengthy, meaningful, unending inshallah relationship with your spouse to be. And of course,

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later last year, after all, what happens to this behavior and this characteristic, I mean, when you are coaching, and when you are going out is so generous with your smile, and you only want to smile, and you just want to give your best of you. So you get married, even on happy occasions, you're not smiling. You see the I'm not.

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I'm giving you these, these these excuses, that you see when when you get married, you're caught up in the frenetic life work stress and everything else. And you find it difficult to sustain it, but does not mean your marriage has the best of all of these things. Therefore, it's about having a checklist and with intentionality. That's why the one the earlier points I made is this reciprocal understanding. Because what we need to do is to celebrate our family. I'll give you one example. You know, I just came back from Malaysia. And these a, a sister recommended that some scholars come to visit. She's dying of cancer, dying of cancer, but you will not believe the support. She's got my

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family and her husband and the dignity in which she's carrying herself. And not only that, even in her pain, even though she people suspect that she might live for one or two months. She's concerned about the lady that looks after her. She inquires up. How are you? Are you okay? The Quran is being read. The family is together. And yet you find the support of the family. She herself is smiling. And this is the whole point. You see. The point is the need not just doesn't just happen like this relationship with a father was something the father would tears in his eyes. He says you know, my daughter

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studied in that country. And I went to a graduation. She's my only daughter. And you looked at any tears and the husband is watching. This things are not there for sure. See, this thing comes about when every day you invest in each other. When you look at each other this setting molana very, very setting is this. Today, we are so narrow, so narrow, I can not believe they are husband and wife at each other's throats suing each other for millions and was suffering Indian. The kids are trying. The kids are just so busy. The kids are being rude to the parents. And this whole point they have forgotten where the support our Eman is, it's about our soccer and we have forgotten about all of

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this rarely we have forgotten about who we are, we forgot what our purpose is. And as a result, we are so narrow that we are only thinking about the Soumya and you have forgotten Dr. cherise. And please i would i would receive the bell says make dua for her. You know, the color, the color manner, the color this you know, and May Allah make it easy for me also my friend Shiraz Patel in Cape Town, you know,

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he met up with the next bicycle. And I'm delighted recovering May Allah whoever is unwell anywhere in the world. May Allah give him she fine. I mean, the messages are trickling through unclear Islam. I'll read out some of them it says Monica brother agrees, please advice. What does one do when your husband refuses to talk to his mother in law doesn't want her to come to your house and elderly lady?

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You know what, let me tell you one thing, I will say this now, right? Right, that any person who does that in I don't know the reason for it. I'm not justifying it. I get to come across any individual, why the stop talking to his father or his mother or his in laws. And when they pass away, he has no regrets.

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That's the reality and you cannot turn back the

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clock, I will not be allowed you have made it very clear. forgive those who hurt you. do good to those that harm you and maintain ties or cut off ties with you the very opposite of what we are doing. You know, and and you know, and we need to understand and what must and they must understand that when you marry you may

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To the whole family. And when you treat your mother in law like that, you think you're bringing joy to your wife.

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You're making her happy, you know. So when you marry someone, you must love that person in whoever that person loves.

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The next message read the Santa Monica realities as many woman listening is that their husbands will not hear these points and the shooter is making however, I think we should be the loving partner cause this is because that is being progressive and not loving in depth depression, we must do things from our side. Allah subhanaw taala will judge us not our husbands. Very good point. In assistance. You know what I know my heart goes out to you. I know it's a no and we're not saying also still Angel Aquino, many of them also caused a lot of pain and hurt, right. But the important thing, you must do what is right, you must always do what is right. You must always do what Allah

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expects of you, you must do things to please Allah, you must, you know, my attitude in life. If someone stops talking to me, I'll continue to talk to them. Even I see them our greed, they don't treat me back. It's fine with me. You know, it's okay with me, but I'll keep on getting them out of my way. But I also had to fight my demons. You know, before as I grew up as a young, younger person, I want to follow a policy of appeasement, you must make everyone happy. And then over the years, I said, No, I'm gonna do what is right. And those don't like it. They don't like it. You know, we get the point. You know, you cannot expect everyone to love you, you know?

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You're certainly touching many nerves. Yeah, this one says Salaam Alaikum. What can be said about a married woman who has four children, no maid, and stays in a room reading romance novels and novels the whole day, leaving her kids to do the chores after school cooking when she feels like four or five times a week. And that's very, very sad. That is rarely, you know that there are some mothers that are physically absent. This person is invisible in our own home now. And now what values are she? Is she teaching my children? What values are sitting at children if she needs to reorganize the life, not saying She mustn't read any books, but things that time and place for that. And when

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people do that is costly, unfair, you're pressurizing your partner to compensate for your absence. And one of the big reasons for divorce in the community is when the mother and father do not have a common philosophy how to read and nurture the child.

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Interesting for double a double five this SMS line or you can watch it on oh seven triple 218384 sensitively Come on air. Oh, double 185415 for the first point of Gregory's forgiveness, the ability to let things be without anger.

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You know, forgiveness. I tell people this Mawlana

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is it not ironical? That we say to people, I'll never forgive you. Yet, yet, on the day of judgment, you are crying for Allah forgiveness. And in no matter how pious via the matter, we can be praying to Allah, day in and day out making liquor every second waking hour for life, it will be not enough for us to go to Janna, only trawlers mercy. And yet even ask Allah for forgiveness. I say to people, I say no matter how much you've been hurt, but forgive, when you do not forgive, what are you doing? monana you're carrying the burden all the time is toxic, it's a poison that you are carrying all the time. And as it is, does it impact on your relationship? And not only that what he does to the other

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person, it creates frustration and anger, then sometimes that individual might look for solace elsewhere. So forgiveness is one of the most important qualities. Anyone can possess a lousy look at this panda. Panda was hurt, was in pain. He was in tears and turned to me and she forgave her husband, should I not forgive her? But would I have forgiven? Would I not forgive her? And this is the whole point. No, because I deal with the situations that I tell you one thing is we are we are a very, very monana a very, very sad, we are so sad I'm telling my friends yet that you have very few families that are very happy today.

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I think we need to understand also that we are human beings and we are committing errors day in and day out we know that to find a spouse is going to be flawless or they will have no blemishes at all. Even when we are we should rather be be nice to us tend to be a good point what is the point? You must never judge your husband bisection budget or the wife reaction by judging by the tension right. Remember we make the effort the outcome is in our lesson. But that is fundamental and that you make a very valid point. We are humans. The what should be a nominal because that is what do you

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make it an issue. When do you make it an issue? And when do you just let go? That's the point. I tell people as couples, you must pick your battles, right? You must fight the war, ignore the battle. You must not, you know, be petty.

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I know some couples immediately after the greet each other they'll have an argument why you didn't do this why you didn't do this? I know I as always, you always do this using words like always when the man knows or the wife knows that are it's not always I made a mistake. It was an error in judgment, you know? And just the important thing. The point is, the Quran is very clear. gave yourself and your family from the fire of *. And I tell my wife if you are not going to take me to Jana, and why am I married to you? We've got a caller from UK brother usofa salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah.

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i a very pertinent point you brought out you know, you can make as much Vickery bad as you can, you can eat so many salons that said, on the masala with Sunny, but you don't have the quality, and the ability to forgive? How that tech do access a lot.

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You say, no matter what

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you mean, when you expect him to forgive you? How the heck Can you forgive the next person, or what major faults they have?

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The biggest quality that the entire Muslim woman lacks forgiveness from the bottom of their hearts. You can play like, like you said earlier on, you can make as much thicker as you want, you can read a whopping Sahaja isurus, you can be on that McCullough under your arm. But if Allah has kept you devoid of the quality of forgiveness, then you won't have everything on this earth. And you know, I've learned from my mother, my late mother in law, she has a wonderful quality of

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life. Interested in the brother,

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we expect to

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give me when I cannot forgive my fellow brother for

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some major faults, or a minor for a very interesting and very point you brought up brothers is a formula for your contribution.

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And how to stay out is

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Allah bless the caller, he took the effort, he took the effort from the UK, to reinforce a point that is being made. I would you know, at some point, your worries, the modern people are very, very festive. You know, I would like people to engage us to contribute, to enhance because each one of us has something to offer and the point and is so clear, because Allah would only love those that come to him with a sound heart with a sound heart. What is in your heart, in Islam, when you smile at someone, there's no discrepancy between the smile and what's in your heart. And that is fundamental and Allah bless the color, Allah protect the color and protect all the people who participate good

00:33:12 --> 00:33:22

egauge and inshallah who action these points. I like the choice of words, and how the heck are things from South Africa? Yeah, looks like Yeah.

00:33:24 --> 00:33:35

Let's move on. Again. This you're speaking about forgiveness and redress. Yes. So forgiveness is such a fundamental, you know, it's what we say, I forgive you, but I'll not forget, and what kind of forgiveness is,

00:33:36 --> 00:34:16

you know, you know, Allah forgives you any day, you're not reminded about it. It's a clean sheet. And that's the point. You see, they know these are narrowness, you know, people, you know, the attitude they say to themselves, in the end, I've seen many, amid many people will say, you know what, I sabotage my own happiness, when he now I recognize the goodness in my house, but, you know, I just tell you this, yeah, it's a funny story, but it is very poignant. Also, there was the Christian funeral. Someone sent me send me this YouTube clip, you know, and I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry initially, but I'm glad I thought the whole thing, but three or four minutes, is he

00:34:16 --> 00:34:28

speaking about the husband was bodies behind the coffin, and she said, You know, my husband had two obnoxious habits. He fought a nice to snow. And she I said, mimicking is not he

00:34:30 --> 00:34:44

says that, you know, I, those are obnoxious habits. Now that you're dead and gone. I regard them as beautiful imperfections. That The point is, is he said, because these two things he did, were reminded that he was alive and well.

00:34:45 --> 00:34:59

Look, look at it, look at it this way. And this was snorting and partying at Portland, I use the word no. Natural to people. This is something you cannot and this is an important thing. Now, what are you fighting about? You know, both

00:35:00 --> 00:35:23

Are you living, you know, dramatic the privacy thing, which we cannot treat each other dignity and help each other? And I tell people, and then it is working. The fighting battles outside when it comes on, you must have are the ones that I say to people. I don't mind the whole world is my enemy. When I come on my babies, yes, yes, my little my mom, my sister, Baba Lena, and I like it.

00:35:25 --> 00:35:38

So, it is coming back to the question I raised early on, isn't it important to forgive? What do you actually make an issue of sometimes there are serious things in life, you cannot just let go when? No, no,

00:35:39 --> 00:36:17

no, no, forgiveness is also a process. Right? Let us say that you're the the wife or the or the husband has done something very serious. Right? Okay. The you need to look at the underlying reason you can't say immediately Okay, forgive you. Right. Like, you say, discussion needs to take place. Because the, in fact, you know, let me tell you this, let me tell you this. This is quite interesting, right. But this is not the action of Muslims. They say in a study, when when people just forgive immediately, all the time, you find that the action of the other person does not necessarily change.

00:36:18 --> 00:37:02

The person must feel the pain, the machines remorseful about what he has done. Right? He needs to turn to Allah, he needs to turn to his wife or husband, and explain and say, Please forgive me, I'm sorry, you must feel the sorrow, he must understand the implication what he has done, understand the gravitas, the enormity of what he has done. And that's a very important thing. Now, there are many reasons why people are me today, for example, one of the big issues I'm dealing with his * addiction, it's about you know, infidelity. And the something that shocked me, and I dealt with the, you know, the one case also about the suing couples, you know,

00:37:03 --> 00:37:46

it's really I mean, I cannot believe this, I cannot believe any person would stoop to that level, you know, where he would allow his wife, you know, to indulge in that adulterous relationship, he will completely support himself to do it, then they can come back together and sleep together, as if nothing has happened is something really up becoming a sick society, and always believe in Allah forgiveness, and I received this, and I, and I received them. And I'm not too sure anyone listening, they're out there and know about it. But we need to eradicate the scourge, in our community. And we need to look at inshallah, I like to do a whole program about why people do this. I like to do a

00:37:46 --> 00:37:53

whole program on the reasons for * addiction, and maybe to help people to wean themselves off of these

00:37:54 --> 00:37:56

dirty, serious habits.

00:37:57 --> 00:38:41

And it is a you know, we marvel at those people. And we admire those people who have forgiven the spouses, even after this heinous act of infidelity. But as a human being you those those you keep on getting those flashbacks, you have forgiven your spouse, you do your due Rebuild of trust in them. But those flashbacks keep on coming to haunt you. How do you do that? You know what, the flashbacks are a natural thing they'll come they're right. But let me tell you one, this is the point. You see, when when a situation like this arises, the idea is not to put an investor plus on it, or mask it need to look at the underlying motivation, the reasons for it. Now, once you're able to do that,

00:38:41 --> 00:38:58

over a period of time, I've seen the relationship move from mediocrity towards excellence. For example, these as they say, every state of the past and every sinner has a future. And that's important. The road is not the end in the road.

00:39:00 --> 00:39:14

Amazing. We move on how calluses fingers SMS before we go gone, it says a grease mentioned to always do the right thing. A boy pursued me and I do not accept now he's engaged and I have a change of heart what is the right thing to do?

00:39:15 --> 00:39:15

So it is

00:39:17 --> 00:39:30

nice to see if this is meant to be right. It was meant to be and when when she said the to do the right thing. A I need to understand what she means by the right thing. Perhaps,

00:39:31 --> 00:39:59

maybe maybe the change of heart may not be because it is born out of perhaps a reminder, that person was the right person. The change of heart sometimes comes about when your ego has been bruised system has taken him. That's the important thing. So you need to understand the psychological effect as you get over it right. But your future, if anyone shows an interest, greed the right way, you know, tell your family about it and

00:40:00 --> 00:40:18

And then you look at the possibility whether it's a viable thing or not. But let me tell you, this is a very important thing to understand that when, when, when your ego is bruised, often you feel hurt by the hurt is more based on the ego, rather than the fact of what has happened.

00:40:19 --> 00:40:22

But some people find pleasure in playing hard to catch.

00:40:23 --> 00:40:24

The, you know,

00:40:26 --> 00:40:32

they say the thrill is misplaced and not in the settings.

00:40:34 --> 00:41:06

You know, so I do some people do it, some people do it, you know, for any number of reasons, but many of them have regrets, I know, people who maybe 5060 people to marry that individual. And then they they've got the reputation, they don't vote towards that home, they're gonna say no, they're gonna say no. And in most cases, I don't generalize, they end up with the wrong person in the end. Oh, yes, that's so tragic. Indeed. Let's move on to point number six says, sharing the joy of giving without thought of receiving,

00:41:07 --> 00:41:58

that's such a wonderful quality, that is such a wonderful quality. It just shows you know, your motivation is not selfish. The motivation is just to give not expect anything in return. That's a wonderful thing, isn't it? And therefore, what happens, you know, rarely I tell people, many of our relationships are expedient in a functional relationship, you know, and you find how many people meet each other for the sake of Allah, how many people how many people do that. And when you give something, give it completely, what your heart and you know, those who give freely, you know, they forget who they gave and what they gave. But those who give it with the intention of getting

00:41:58 --> 00:42:03

something in return, they remember the date and time when they gave it.

00:42:05 --> 00:42:19

And it's amazing. I go this, you know, many times we think that we need to have things to share with people, but what about sharing ourselves with our spouse? That's a wonder that's a beautiful thing. One and I think, you know, you must be a wonderful husband, you know, your practice is,

00:42:22 --> 00:43:08

you know, that's true. You know, you know, that in, you know, for a family, what is love? Time is time, the time you spend in one of the biggest ironies of life is this, people only appreciate, they say, No, I'm too busy, I'm too busy. But once the spouse is dying, for the past, the way that you get all the time in the world, and it's too late, is absolutely too late. Therefore, it's important that we have a family routine. You have a daily routine, your family values, and family goals, you've got to give up your time. But I find this amazing, you know, when you're cooking again, when you are newlywed, did you steal time to sleep with each other you even kill a boss a few minutes is

00:43:08 --> 00:43:35

this my wife made the same person. After a few months of marriage when she calls it suddenly a phone is on silent or you never heard the call, or I was busy. And you conveniently turn a blind eye. Why is it so the same person you are running for now is the same person you're running away from. Now that's true. And you know, I that's the point. The point is, you see, as I said, you got to live with intentionality. And consciously. I mean, is there anything more beautiful,

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more beautiful that when you passed away, that your spouse is crying into your law? Does law common law Forgive me such a wonderful husband? He was so compassionate and caring, you gave up his time. He taught me to love you and I'll never be selling nollywood films. He reminded me about my own mortality. He taught me how to forgive. He taught me so many skills Yala. He was so keen, forgiving, eating Allah is not going to

00:44:07 --> 00:44:18

look at your teeth and show compassion that's it and that's it. I tell people the crucible is not the public perception Asana you have in this whole UI

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Yes, unfortunately we won't be able to complete the these points was we have enough time. We'll ask you to give you a concluding thoughts and inshallah perhaps sometime in the future you can further the discussion. Not any monitors that will live and enjoy this presentation. I'm saying to everyone that you have no idea will be alive after this program to whatever good you want. Now inshallah, inshallah. We'll speak again next week and now to remind people about the public program between and not next the following week, inshallah we'll talk about next week disaster. Allah bless you look up you and protect you and

00:45:00 --> 00:45:02

An attempt a big push to your sushi bar Selena

00:45:04 --> 00:45:08

Gomez they look at you they say hey baby I like it at Santa Monica.

00:45:10 --> 00:45:12

Monica Santa Monica la he

00:45:13 --> 00:45:24

it brings us to the end of today's edition of stepping to potential suncal Idris camisa next inshallah Mirage and it should be that was him insha Allah salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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