Tap into your potential – 25.04.2013
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Just got 18 minutes of data going to Swati Kumamoto la vida de la masala Norma haben Welcome to America on later Islam international visitors the morning and we were supposed to have Idris camisa with us on the program this one easiest way will not be joining us today as he has other commitments, but inshallah has his. We will continue with the program and we'll continue with the topic that we started off last weekend or last week Thursday. Any feedback that you may have any issues that you'd like to bring up, you're most welcome to SMS 0731738461. And you can email me directly uncinate to SATA teammate Comm. You can also follow me on Twitter, at suggest and post your
messages if you'd like we have been discussing anger management in children. And what we are going to be speaking about is dealing with a very angry child, we spoke about the problem of anger in children, we spoke about the different reasons that children get angry. And then the program unfortunately, took a twist and we started speaking more about elderly children and sons who are angry at their parents because of the influence of the wives and the like they have but we don't want to go in that direction. Today, we don't want to discuss that our focus is on parenting, younger kids and we are going to be speaking about dealing with a very angry child. We know anger is
an emotion like we all have emotions in different ways. And we express our emotions for different things. And anger is an emotion it's a very powerful emotion and we as parents find it quite a shock when we see our children in throes of rage when the child really becomes angry and starts throwing things around and starts beating little siblings up in the like they have like we had SMS SMS that did come in last week. Now as a parent, you need to remember that it's completely normal, it's acceptable for children to be angry from time to time,
like how we will be angered for different seasons at different times. We will see that similar type of trend and that similar sort of behavior in our children, we need to learn how to deal with the anger understand why there is anger
and then how to deal with it anger practical tips inshallah, as is like the, what we need to know is that what is anger related to and what is anger caused by, we see that it often relates to a child
that is feeling misunderstood. That is one reason number two falsely accused of something number three and unfairly treated, or the child could be feeling insecure. Now, the child could be feeling or feeling or having having anger for any one of these reasons misunderstood, falsely accused, unfairly treated or insecure. In our minds, we may not have committed any of these crimes.
And I put that in inverted commas. But the child has understood it differently. And the child now feels that way. And it's common, it's very common for anger, to conceal other feelings that the child might have. And it's very common that child is displaying anger, but in actual fact, the child is feeling something else. Inside maybe sadness, maybe depression, maybe insecurity, maybe guilt also, and the child expresses it in the form of anger.
And these angry outbursts that our children have,
often a reflection of more than just what has happened in the immediate situation. What has happened now with what is triggered that anger may be just a small tip of the iceberg. And the real reason why the child is angry, is much deeper. And if we look into it, we will perhaps find out why the child is angry. Now
we can look at a volcano and the shape of a volcano and what the volcano is all about. If you look at the volcano, it's a conical mountain. And they use hot lava that splits out from the top of the mountain. But that hot lava is not just foaming at the mouth of the volcano, but rather that hot lava and that fire is heating up in developing from deep within the earth. And that is now expressing itself in venting itself through the mouth of the volcano which is
spurting out all of that hot lava, and all of that fire.
Now, the analogy of the volcano perfectly captures the way in which difficult feelings can build up inside us inside our children over time. And now is those difficult feelings? What sort of feelings are we looking at frustration, hurt, injustice, maybe even guilt, maybe different types of feelings individual goes through and this pressure accumulates and builds up to the point that if there's just something minor that triggers it of a minor annoyance, and this then triggers the child to erupt like a volcano and below the top, like a volcano. So this is the reason why children then feel angry. Now.
The first tip that we're going to give you for handling and managing anger in your children, is increased emotional awareness. Let your child be aware of the emotion let them understand what they are feeling, and let them have the ability to be able to express what they are feeling. Now, what is the rule? What are we looking at, we're looking at the rule of principle that the more you encourage your child to express difficult feelings, the less emotions will build up and overflow into angry explosions. So as a parent, our objective here, in creasing emotional awareness is to encourage your child to express those difficult feelings, not to suppress them or to keep them folding up with him,
but rather to open up, talk about it, or express those difficult feelings, even if it is to cry out or whatever, but to express those difficult feelings. Now, what do we do?
or What to do?
Firstly, as a parent, you need to be able to express emotion.
And you need to be able to explain emotion yourself, you need to be able to
express what you are feeling as a person and then your child will then be aware of the feelings.
How do you know now this is something that is a new concept for us emotional literacy, that means the ability of a child to be able to express themselves first needs to be aware of their feelings, and then the child needs to be able to express those feelings. How do you do that, by you're increasing the amount you talk about anger, or the amount you talk about other feelings to your child, your child will then be able to understand that these are the different feelings that a person goes through. And this is the way you talk about them. And so the child will also be able to express their feelings. So as a parent, if you are able to express your emotion and tell the child
how you're feeling, then the child is going to learn how a person supposed or is or has to express emotion and feelings and talk about the feelings. So you can improve your child's emotional literacy by beginning to increase the amount you talk about anger and about other feelings as well. Another thing as frequently as possible, try to refer to your own feelings and to other people's feelings and guess it reflect back and question your child's feelings
you know for example, you you you yourself you're angry at somebody because of the way they are driving in the motor vehicle and explain explain to each other I'm angry at the way that the person has acted in his motor car and it makes me really boil and I'm angry about it. So you refer to your own feelings maybe other people's feelings as well. You know that until looks quite annoyed tonight and maybe you can make
a guess of your of your child's feelings.
Nima charities or something like that to a siblings is a stupid so you can question that Okay, assistant stupid. I wonder if you're feeling cross that she interrupted our special time together. So you can guess at your child's feelings. So you need to increase emotional awareness one by talking to your child about emotions about how you feel, and increasing the amount you talk about anger and other feelings. And secondly, try to explain your own feelings. Also try and guess about other feelings.
people's feelings and fine cares about your child's feelings opening talking your child so the child knows and can decipher between different types of feelings in different types of emotions. This is one way of increasing emotional awareness. And then the second tip is to stay calm. And before we go on to the second tip, I'd like to welcome our listeners once again to the program.
You are listening to as much Rick already Sam international we discussing anger in children and dealing with a very angry child. We are giving tips and we welcome you to join us on the program and SMS any questions any issues that you'd like to bring up 20731738461 You can also call in and join in the discussion on on 18541548 The second tip that we're looking at is stay calm as a parent Stay calm.
Why must you stay calm, not just when a child gets angry. Now, the rule of the principal is that children are like barometers for the emotional climate around them. If you are stressed, then children two will be stressed if you are relaxed, children two will be relaxed. So the child is a barometer child is a reflection of the emotional climate you don't realize it as a parent, but the way you are feeling is reflects in your children and mothers will will understand that immediately. And these guidelines if they are stressed in the child would be stressed too. If you are if they are relaxed, then the child also will be relaxed and fathers need to learn that as well. So that is why
we are saying stay calm as a parent if you are able to stay calm, then your child also will not be so emotionally charged and will not experience that anger the way you are experiencing it and the chair will become the way you come now what to do and how to stay calm. This is what we're going to be discussing in Sharla Aziz after our break, it's just gone 1130 it's time for a break now and inshallah we'll be back with the program just after that stay tuned to our metric dimensional
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Welcome back to another video Islam International, we are speaking about anger and to be speaking about how to deal with a very angry child. I have received an SMS and I don't have at least camisa with me on the program this morning. So I'm going to ask for your help. If there are any professionals out there who could perhaps assist or counselors, could you please call in and assist? Miss lamonica My son is 11 years old and Down syndrome. Lately he has a lot of anger and is lashing out how do we help him he is not fully able to express his emotions. And when you try talking to him asking what is upsetting him, we are not getting any concrete answers, any advice would be
appreciated. So if there is anybody who can perhaps assist this Sister, please call him if there's any prefer there any professionals out there. We'd like you to help us out in this problem. I'm sure it is camisa would have been able to assist but he's unavailable this morning. And I don't want to offer advice when it comes to special needs. Particularly. Maybe you could just keep on listening to this program and you would find some tips in the material that I have prepared for the program. I have received another message Islam on a contract when I save up for the program. My son is in his early 20s. When he's angry, he becomes silent and I see the hurt in his eyes and ask him to speak
out his feelings but he just keeps quiet. He says that whatever he will say he knows that I will always say the right thing.
Okay, so this is another issue of being able to express emotions. And it is something that we need to learn now the previous steps that I gave you about speaking about emotions and expressing your emotions, speaking about how you feel also discussing other people's feelings as well, that would assist in
in an essay help your children in being able to express their feelings in giving them what we termed emotional literacy, to be able to express their feelings as well.
Now, a grown son of over 20 years old, for him to fall for you now to sit down with him like how you would sit down with a 10 year old or a seven year old is obviously a different issue. Now you need to be able to address it in a different way and be able to extract emotions for him from him. The best is to sit down with him. And instead of him speaking about how he feels, perhaps you could speak about how you feel. I would suggest that if he has bottled up emotions and if he gets angry often perhaps take him to a counselor, a counseling psychologist also I know in the linea area they serve his sister aneesa Valley, who does Counseling Psychology.
Mm hmm. Perhaps you could speak to her and it is you know, get a professional to be able to extract that emotion from your child. You know, when when a child once they've developed into this sort of
system where they are unable to express the emotions to their parents were unable to talk to the parents. And at this age, it becomes
Very difficult for them to then open up to the parents. But if you, as a parent are willing to sit back and listen, and if you say to yourself, say whatever you want without fear of repercussion, without fear of being told off or without fear of criticism, and say to your child Express and say, whatever you want to say, then
you're going to find the child is going to open up and talk and see that we will act on whatever you express them, the child is going to open up and talk about it inshallah this, another SMS is coming as salaam alaikum. Sometimes when you come and talk to the kids, that they take things for granted, and just drag along what needs to be done. Once you get angry and shout, shouted them, then things get done. Yes, it is true. But why is it true? maybe ask yourself the question, I read a very interesting thing. And somebody told me about this as well. They say that
that horse that has been trained with the beating of a whip, will not
accept the whispers of the housekeeper has an interesting statement, what does it mean? That you've trained your horse all along, and you've trained your horse with a beating, then the horse must respond to a beating, the horse must respond to physical pain, in order to do certain things that you want the horse to do, if you want it to jump, you hit it in a chapter, you wanted to run fast, he didn't transfer, you wanted to come down, he didn't, it comes down. That is how you've trained your horse. Now, all of a sudden, after so many years of looking after that horse and treating it like that, now you want to talk to the horse, and you want to whistle to the horse and stroke it and
expect it to behave and do the same actions as it was doing after the beatings, it will not happen, it will only work with it beating so as a parent, if you have brought your child up with loud words with shouting at them. And with a little bit of beating in between now, after five or 10 years, then you expect your child that you talk nicely to them, and you expect your child to respond to that nice talking, it doesn't register in the child's mind doesn't click, it doesn't work in the child's mind, what has been programmed in the child's mind is that hiding or shouting, then only I act? Now you need to do that. It's going to take time for you to undo that. It's going to take time for you
to unschool your child of all the beating and of all the harsh words and the shouting and scolding and you need to make your child then understand inshallah we will have a program on that in time, you will then make yourself understand that when you talk calmly, then the child must act also in the child must
must behave according to what you want through the behavior. So consider that inshallah, as is.
We spoke about the principle of children, I like parameters for the emotional climate around them. If you are stressed, they will be too if you are relaxed, so will they be as well. So how do you do this? How do you stay calm as a parent, you need to bring in relaxing time for yourself on a regular basis. If it's difficult for you to get time alone, then have a group of parents that one parent looks after all the children and the other few parents relax. And then you have an exchange system like this. And if you get an opportunity to recuperate and relax once in a while, it's going to become much easier for you then to respond calmly to your child's breakdowns and angry tantrums and
the like they have and if you are calm in your response to your child's anger,
then the aacom responses will help contain your child's anger. Your angry responses will make your child more enraged. So if you respond angrily to your child, it's gonna make a child more enraged, if you respond calmly, is going to contain your child's anger. And that dumb response from you will come when you come so you need to take some time out to come down. Chill out, relax. And remember that the way you manage your own angry feelings is going to impact on how your little one deals with his or her angry feelings how you handle your angry feelings. That is how your child is going to anger handle the angry feelings if your child hears you.
swearing at the driver in front of you
Or shouting at someone who's you know somebody who has done something on the road, then you shouldn't be surprised. If you hear your child then hurling insults at their siblings after that. Second thing is, if you are feeling wound up and angry, remember that the timeout is useful for you as well. Take your child safe, and remove yourself from the situation. Take a deep breath.
Relax, and slowly tell yourself keep calm, relax, and the best in this situation will be to recite durood upon Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam make Vicar of Allah subhanaw taala. And we practice on the hadith of Rasulullah sallallahu Alison read our older Billahi min ash shaytani r rajim. And you will relax, she will be removed from the situation, building up your anger and making you feel even worse and even more angry. So relax about that. And then you need to accept the third tip. Now the first step we spoke about was increase emotional awareness. Second tip was stay calm, relaxed, chill out. And the third is now accept feelings and redirect angry actions. So you need to
accept feelings it is the principle that we are looking at.
You need to be able to dismiss difficult feelings and dismissing difficult feelings.
First, sorry, sorry about that. If you are going to as a parent, dismiss difficult feelings. And if the child is becoming angry, and you know,
worked up about something, and you say it's no big deal come down. What's your story? What are you making a big issue about this problem a could have chill out, you can say those things to a child, it's going to be counterproductive. The child is going to be left simmering, like a boiling pots. And now the child is going to be boiling or burning about the original source of the anger. And now the child is also angry about not being understood by the parent. So what you need to do and this is the principle the secret is to one accept and acknowledge the child's angry feelings. If your child is angry, accept Yes, I understand you're angry Is this what is making you angry? Oh, I understand
what is making you understand the cause of your anger. And also you need to direct your child towards an appropriate outlet for expressing intense emotional and
let your child speak about it. tell you about it what is making your child angry. And when those feelings are accepted the child and when your child feels that hey, you know, my mother or father really understands why I'm angry and knows why I'm angry. Now your child is going to feel more understood and less in need of trying to convince you of this pain point. And the child is going to be lucky. He knows why I'm angry and I don't have to shout and scream and throw things in order to tell my parents why I'm angry. And now the child is going to be more calm.
Knowing the child when the feelings are expressed,
the building of emotion inside is avoided. And so the child will not explode and blow up like that volcano. So if the child is angry, what do we do? We need to one not dismiss the feelings don't say upon what you what you bang on about
or don't say was like a it's not a big deal or come down or cool off. Chill out. Don't Don't dismiss this difficult feelings.
Then couldn't be angry about one what they were originally angry about in two they're gonna be angry because you haven't understood them. And the second thing is that allow each other to speak about the anger and except, for example, say Oh, and the stem is that what is making you angry and stained. What is
making me understand what you're angry about and then directed towards an appropriate outfit. For example, tell your child that okay, talk about it. Tell me what is making me attorney. Explain explain to me the whole thing and when the child feels the thing. Now I understood, they're not gonna blow up like that volcano. So that is
with regards to accepting feelings and redirecting, angry actions and what to do in this case how to deal with it practically. And that is what we'll be speaking about each of these. Just after this break. It's gone. 12 minutes
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Nine minutes before 12 Welcome back to our mashreq on ladies lamb international anger management is speaking about dealing with a very angry child who said accept your child's feelings and redirect your child's angry actions. This is the way to do it. What do you do in this now? Firstly, identify and name the feeling that is behind your child's rage.
anger about something guilt, or you know, whatever it whatever it may be, but say for example, oh Muhammad is that what made you upset or you are disappointed we have to leave now. And say something like that and show your understanding by guessing at your child's wishes. Guess what your child wants to do? Oh, I see you you would like it. If your if your brother asked you before following stuff, or you say something. You want to stay longer. That's what you want to do. And then you need to encourage appropriate expression of feelings or problem solving. For example, you say? Show me how you're feeling by by tell tell me what word was why what word can describe how you're feeling or
draw me a picture tell me how you're feeling punchy discussion, give it a good punch. Look at a scrap piece of paper just tear it up and throw me I mean how many little bits I feeling like you know, breaking this thing up into and all you can say something like, what would be a better way to solve this problem. You tell me how can we solve this problem? And how can we get through this from set how to allow yourself to accept feelings and to help your child redirect the feelings of anger. And then and then we look at the fourth step. Now just go back to those first three steps increase emotional awareness in your child, stay calm. Number three accept feelings and redirect angry
first tip is use clear and consistent consequences to limit aggressive behavior, clear and consistent consequences to limit aggressive behavior and what is the principle the principle is that your child
needs to learn that although anger is okay, aggressive behavior is not okay. So you need to learn that although anger is okay, aggressive behavior is not okay.
Your child needs to know
that it's okay for them to be angry to be upset about something. And to be crass, but for the child to express aggressive behavior when they are angry is not okay. And how do you do that? How do you get that, right? Firstly, hold on to your child's level. And physically go down to leave your child is short child infant and bend down on your knees and look at the child in the face and, and use calm, low tone to the firm tone, and something that indicates displeasure.
And, you know, you need to clearly tell your child that this is what you have done wrong. But do not shout as a child because this suggests that now you have lost control. As soon as you start shouting. Remember that your child is immediately going to realize or feel that you have lost control. And when you say once your child feels that you have lost control,
then you've basically lost the game. So for example, you sit down and you say that, listen, it's not okay to hit your brother. And if your child stops behaving aggressively, can you give her a lot of praise. And if she continues the inappropriate behavior, after you've given a warning, then you need to put a clear consequence. For example.
you withdraw privileges for example, you say you are not going to get a biscuit, or I'm not going to give you dessert or you cannot go outside as you wanted to play or you're not going to be allowed to play with your favorite toy or something like that clear consequence, and it needs to be consistent and if you are worried about the escalating nature, which has anger and nothing is working over a period of weeks or months, then they may be underlying issues that may be something that is causing the child's anger and underlying issues and that requires professional help. And I received an SMS as salaam aleikum
manana also when the child is angry, and angry parent won't help the cause it only aggravates the situation calmness and soft gentle tones make a great impact. Maybe not immediately, but will eventually when the anger of the child has subsided then the parents words will ring a bell inshallah also read and make dua for the child may be going through an emotional period at the time. So jack ma Hara for that SMS,
like the mother who SMS in about the Down syndrome 11 year old son, may Allah subhanaw taala make it easy for you, I would suggest that go to a professional and ask for assistance and you know, go through the right channels and in childhood disease. It's nothing major nothing serious and you will be able to overcome it. Michelle has his
chicken Zeeland to you this morning for your for your participation and your feedback on the program. May Allah subhanaw taala reward you chickens even toss to the operator this morning. Our Amir Muhammad Bilal and Shetland Zeeland.
To all the listeners from Geneva said on this Thursday morning for salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah heeta Allah wa barakato