Is Your Emotional Health Important

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Dunia Shuaib

Channel: Dunia Shuaib

Episode Notes

ICNA 2017

Episode Transcript

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Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah salam wa alayhi wa sallam rubbish Ronnie Saudi Arabia sadly I'm rewatching that and mainly Sani of Coco Lee Armenia Robben Island mean Allahumma nl haka? How can what zouk nativa? What do you know about the lava the landmark zignature kinaba. Allah show us truth as truth and give us the ability to follow it and show us falsehood as false hood and give us the ability to avoid it. Me neoplan Amin.

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So is your emotional health important?

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Does alasa panatela care about your feelings?

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does Allah subhanho wa Taala care about your emotional well being?

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That's a question that I'm often asked and a question that I asked often.

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And the answers that I get are very troubling.

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during Ramadan, I was invited to speak at a youth center.

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And they asked that question. I asked the youth if they think that Allah subhanho wa Taala cares about their feelings? Do you know what they told me?

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They told me no.

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And so I asked them.

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I asked them, Do you think that Allah subhanaw taala cares about your body, your physical sense? And they said, Yes, I was like, why? They're like, because it's held on to kill. Right? We're not allowed to kill each other. Okay, what else? They said, we're not allowed to steal each other's property. And that's something physical, unlike Yes, that's very true. And so they all knew that Allah subhanho wa Taala protects them from physical harm.

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But none of them knew that Allah subhanaw taala protects us from emotional harm as well. Whereas my proof,

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just read Surah Surah.

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Allah subhanho wa Taala makes it forbidden to backbite.

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But why is backbiting forbidden? It's not physically hurting anyone?

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Because it hurts your feelings, right? If you walk into a room and you found out that the people there, we're just talking about you behind your back doesn't that hurt? does Allah subhanaw taala also forbids us from calling each other insulting names.

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A loss of panatela also forbids us from making fun of each other. Why?

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Because that hurts our feelings.

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And so the [???]ty ha is there to protect us from physical harm, but to also protect us from emotional harm.

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But then one might say but that doesn't explicitly say it's to not hurt our feelings. And so I want to share with you a Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu sallam. If you weren't here yesterday, I have a rule. When I say profit, we all say Salalah Hi, the is lm zachman Lefevre. And so he said

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if there are three people sitting in a gathering, two people should not whisper and exclude the third person.

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And so the companions of the Prophet sallallahu our lives and we're a little confused. Like, if we're sitting together, why can't I whisper with my friend?

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And so the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, because if you do that, you're gonna hurt the other person's feelings. So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that we're not allowed to hurt each other's feelings. So what does that mean? That means that our feelings, our emotional health, our emotional well being are very important to Allah Subhana Allah and His Messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

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Now modern research and evidence from the Quran and Sunnah prove that emotional health is equally as important as our physical health and also proves that our emotional health affects us physically. And inshallah Today, I would like to share with you 10 ways that we can foster the emotional health in our loved ones but especially in our children, because that's what I was asked to address today. Bismillah

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So number one, and it's always going to be a number one on my list and that is to seek help from Allah.

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panelists either. So yesterday during my session we talked about communication and my number one was to seek help from a las panatela and we said that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that to ask Allah for everything, even if your shoelace breaks as a last pantai for a new one, even if you want salt for your food, ask Allah subhanho wa Taala. And, you know, dealing with our emotions is a difficult task because we can't see them. And so the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam taught us the beautiful diet that we should say when things are difficult, which is a long melesa Allah, Elana Jalsa, who Salah what antigen l has now either shut the Salah, right? Oh Allah, there is no

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ease except that which you make easy.

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And that which you made easy will become easy if you wish, so make my affairs easy.

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Now,

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there is a beautiful diet that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam used to recite every morning and every single evening. And it's a day that he taught us a supplication that he taught us to say every morning every evening, and it has to do with our emotional health.

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The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam used to say every morning and every evening Allahumma in the arrow the big aminal Hemi well hasn't what oh, we'll be coming Hijazi will caisson will also be criminal. Gibney, will book on how to become an Hala better Dane waka Herrera jell

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O Allah, I seek refuge in You from anxiety, what's anxiety,

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nervousness but what is that? emotional, right?

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anxiety and sorrow and what sorrow? It's an emotion. So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam used to ask a lot every morning and every evening to help him with his emotional health. He would seek refuge in Allah subhanho wa Taala from anxiety, which is one of the greatest design disorders and mental disorders that we have today. And sorrow, which is like depression, another one of the greatest mental disorders we have today. And that's something that inshallah we should be asking Allah subhanaw taala for every morning and every evening, and teaching our children as well.

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Number two, if you really want to foster the health of your, the emotional health of your children, if you really want to protect your children, you have to take care of yourself.

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It's so important for you to take care of yourself emotionally. And it's equally important for you to take care of the relationship between you and your spouse.

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Now, why do we have to take care of ourselves emotionally? Because studies suggest that parents who are emotionally healthy will raise emotionally healthy children. Why? Because our children model our behavior, and they learn from us correct.

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And there's a saying in Arabic falcoda shape layer of the the one who is empty of something who doesn't have something? How can they really give it to someone else? So we ourselves have to take care of ourselves. And you know, I know that one of the problems that we have in our community, you know, we become so very focused on helping everyone in our families. We become so focused on the cooking and the cleaning, focus on work, focus on even our participation at the masjid that we forget ourselves. And we forget to take care of ourselves. And you have to understand it's so important because the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam when Solomon and Pharisees he came to him

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to complain about a Buddha that, that he went to his house, and his wife looked so sad and he asked her why are you sad? She said, because my husband all he does all day is he fasts all day, and he prays all night, I never get any time with him.

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And so when they sat to eat, what happened, a booster that said, you know, you go ahead and you eat, you're my guest and Sandman, Pharisees, like, I want you to eat with me too. And he's like, but I'm fasting. And so manual fallacy made him break his fast and he and then at night, he didn't go to sleep. He stood up to pray and said that a fantasy told him no, you need to sleep and I'll wake you up when it's time to pray.

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And so after this incident happened, they went to the prophets.

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Allahu alayhi salam and semanal Faris he was like, telling the Prophet This is what I saw. And I will do that like, Yeah, can you believe what he did to me and the Prophet salallahu alaihe salam, sadly enough, see gallega

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yourself, your body, your mind, your soul has a right upon you take care of yourself, the best gift you can give your children is for you to be emotionally healthy. And for you to have a healthy relationship with your spouse. It's so very important. Because children who grew up in households where there's a lot of conflict between the parents, they don't feel secure, they feel very insecure. And they develop anxiety disorders and depression. So the best thing that you can possibly do for your children's emotional health is to work on yourself, and work on your relationship with your spouse in sha Allah.

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And that's one of the most impactful things that you can do. Number three, make your home a source of mercy, tranquility, safety, and peace.

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It's a scary world out there. We all know that right? So Pamela, I recently read a study that was from the University of San Francisco, there was doing this study and research on Muslim children between the ages of five and nine.

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And their findings are very disturbing.

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One in every three Muslim children

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are afraid to let their friends at school know that they're Muslim.

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One in every six actually lie and say that they're not. They actually pretend they're not Muslims. So when our children don't feel safe and secure outside of the home, we have to ensure that yes, we work on that. But what's in our power and what's in our hand is to ensure that our homes are a sense of safety and security. That at home, when our children come home, they find that peace and that love and that mercy that they need, because they're not getting it outside. And that's Allah subhanaw taala that allows right upon our children is that we take care of them.

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And so research suggests that children who are in families who spend quality time together, who are in families who have strong relationships, develop emotional resilience, and are less likely to later develop mental health disorders. So take care of your homes. You know, we worry so much about outside that we forget about the inside. Take a look at the inside How is your home? How do your children feel when they come home? How does your spouse feel in their home?

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Right last path that is said that our homes are for us to find Sikkim and tranquility, our homes the sense of stickiness and tranquility, we have to ask ourselves that.

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Number four, communication.

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I know we talked about this a little bit yesterday, but it's so important. It's so important to have open and healthy communication with our children. I can't begin to emphasize how important that is, how important it is for us to listen and to be non judgmental and non reactive, to show lots of empathy and to never criticize. I want you to think about this instance. You know, we always talk about the Quran and Sunnah we always talk about how the Prophet sallallahu alayhi Salaam did things right.

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And so handle our all so great at implementing certain things like our prayers, Mashallah like growing the beards, and wearing our hobbies and our hijabs. But what about these lawsuits on us? A young man came to the Prophet salallahu alaihe salam and he said Yasuo Allah give me permission to commit Zina.

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I want you to imagine if your child came to you, and said, a me a boo. I want to commit Zina. Imagine what your reaction if there was a camera on your face? What would your reaction be like?

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And so when we're reactive, do you know what happens? When we overreact and we don't react in a calm manner. Our children will never tell us anything again. But look how the Prophet salallahu is and and dealt with the situation. Did he get angry? No. Did he yell at the young boy? Not at all. Did he scold him? Nope. Did he shame him? No. He explained to him. He spoke to him in a manner where

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He could understand that that's not right. And that's not what we do.

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And so be nonreactive be non judgmental. Because guess what, if your children can't come and talk to you, unfortunately, they're going to find someone in school that they're going to talk to and get all the wrong advice from. So it's so important that we listen to our children, and that we don't react and that we're non judgmental, and that we never dismiss their feelings because the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam never made someone feel like their feelings didn't matter. He never dismissed anyone's feeling he was always very attentive, give them their full attention, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and you have to ask how you can help, how you can make them feel better, what is

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it that you can do, and then actually follow through and do it. And that leads us to our next.

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Our next key to fostering our children's emotional health. And that's trust.

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And trust is built in small moments of connection. Show your children that you are there for them no matter what respond to their bids for connection. What does that mean? I'm going to give you an example from the time of the prophet SAW milania, send them to Panama, he was the most perfect human being. One day he was he left his house, he had a mission, he had something he had to do. And while he was walking on the street, he noticed NSL, viola Juan, who's younger brother sitting there, and he didn't just walk by, he noticed that he was distressed. So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam stopped, even though he was very busy, he had something very important to do. But he stopped,

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he bent down. He put his arm on the child, and he said,

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somebody,

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how are you? How's your bird?

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Trying to understand what's going on with this young boy? So a lot of times we miss those bits for connection. And that stops us from building trust with our children. Give you a real time example. So let's say you're on the phone. Right? You're on the phone, and your child walks in from school and they look this stressed.

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A way to build trust is to tell your friend Hey, you know what, I gotta go. Hannah just walked in. And Shall I talk to you later? He is salaam aleikum. Ahmed, how are you? How is your day, you know, you look a little distressed is everything. Okay? That's how you build trust. Another thing that's so important about building trust is to believe them when they tell you something. You know, one of the most disturbing and heartbreaking things I've ever heard

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is when a young sister came to me and told me she was a victim of sexual abuse.

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And so panela that wasn't the most disturbing part. And I know that's very shocking. The most disturbing part is when she said I finally gained enough courage to tell my mother. And when I did, she said that I was lying.

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spawn the law.

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Don't do that. believe your children when they tell you something, especially something like that. That's something that most children don't make up. And you'd be surprised that the statistics and how many children are abused in different ways by very close family members and friends. So always believe your children.

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And don't be dismissive. You know, one of the beautiful things that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam tells us about hadiya is that she believed in me, when other people didn't be like that for your children. build that trust. Number six, protect their self esteem. This is so critical and important. Our self esteem acts like an emotional immune system,

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which is a buffer for us when these emotional ailments try to attack. When we go through emotional setbacks. If our self esteem is high, and is strong, that helps us it's like our immune system. We're able to bounce back from the setbacks. But when our self esteem is low, we're not able to.

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So it's so important to talk to our children in a positive way. That's how we build their self esteem. Think about how the Prophet salallahu alaihe salam spoke to his son and his son, you know, he used to say, he said, These boys right here. They're the chiefs of the youth of paradise. Because guess what, the way you speak to your children is going to be your children's self talk when they're older.

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That's the way that they're going to view themselves that's the way that they're going to talk to themselves when they're older. So imagine when you're very encouraging and

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Positive, they're going to grow up to have encouraging and positive thoughts and feelings. But when you're not, that's how they're going to grow up to be. And it's so sad that studies suggest that 80% of our self talk is actually negative

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80% of the times we're telling ourselves something negative, like, Oh, I'm so dumb. I'm so ugly. I'm so fat. spamela and why are we doing that? Because when we were younger people were telling us those things.

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People weren't encouraging us and telling us positive things.

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And we need to, most importantly, not compare our children to other children, because that hurts. Would you like it? If your wife said, Hey, you know what, honey, Fatima's husband does this, this and that, why don't you do it? That would hurt right? So imagine how it feels to say that to a child, don't ever compare, nurture their strengths, and help them develop themselves and become better. Number seven, fulfill their emotional needs, and love them in a way that they understand.

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Give them a sense of belonging.

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You know, everyone is different. For some people, their emotional needs might be words, right? And others it might be touch. And you know, I read a very interesting study, study suggests suggest that the sense of touch can be as therapeutic as antidepressants. panela. And when we think about it, what did the Prophet sallallahu Sallam do?

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Remember the story of the Arabi, when the prophet SAW son was holding and hugging a child and kissing the child. And the Arabi said, I have 11 children, I've never touched them or kissed them once. And the prophet SAW said and said, Do you have no mercy in your heart?

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Or think about how the prophet SAW said and ordered us to touch the orphan and put our hands on their heads? Why? Why should we touch the orphan and put our hands on their heads, because the sense of touch is so critical, and is so important.

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Number eight, is to nurture their spirituality, nurture their spirituality, especially their salaah there are so many studies that suggest meditation, right? is so powerful and so amazing for our mental health. Salah Vicki last patho says Arabic relay, Padma innaloo teach your children the good, and especially teach them gratitude. Gratitude has a profound effect on our mental and emotional health. And so Pinilla it's essential practice that mental health professionals use because research is so great on gratitude and its effects.

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Its effects are both long and short term. And it's especially effective in treating depression and anxiety and other psychological ailments. And so panela, I've seen it work so well. And I'm so passionate about teaching and using gratitude in my practice, because I've seen the life lasting, the lifelong effects that it has, and the transformative effects that it has on my clients. So much so that hamdulillah I just authored a book on gratitude, and inshallah we'll be doing a book signing in a few moments in the back. Now, last but not least, number nine, remember I said I was going to share with you nine things that you can do right now, to foster your children's emotional health.

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Number nine is get help. If you need it, please get help if you need it. I don't I didn't want to make this a depressing talk. But about two weeks ago, I read about a little Muslim girl 14 years old who took her life here in the northeast.

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She took her life and one of her last Instagram posts was about her depression.

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If you think that your child is going through something, don't let what other people say what other people think that stigma stop you from getting the help that you need. I want you to imagine if God forbid I told you I had a child who had cancer. But I told you I'm too ashamed to get help and get treatment.

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What would you think about me? You would think I'm a horrible human being right?

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our emotional health is just as important as our physical health. So please get the help that you need if you suspect that your children might need help. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam told us that for every ill

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There's a remedy. So seek it, seek treatment.

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And they mentioned many of these points, and they're all grounded and backed by scientific research but they were always in the Quran and Sunnah. And know that Allah Subhana Allah never gave us something without giving us clear direction on what to do.

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And they ask and I pray to Allah subhanho wa Taala that he gives us the ability to strengthen ourselves and to make ourselves healthy emotionally and to strengthen that of our children. And Jacqueline aloha urine as salaam alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh