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The Mythbusters Marriage Quiz

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The Deen Show

Channel: The Deen Show

Episode Notes

Take This exciting myth buster Marriage Quiz with Laura Doyle who is a The New York Times best-selling and author of The Empowered Wife: Six Surprising Secrets for Attracting Your Husband’s Time, Attention, and Affection. Her books have been translated into 16 languages and published in 27 countries. Over 150,000 women credit her with not only saving their relationships but also showing them how to become desired, cherished and adored.

She has appeared on CBS Evening News, Dateline NBC, The Today Show, Good Morning America and The View. She has been written about in The Wall Street Journal, the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, The Washington Post, The London Telegraph and The New Yorker. She is a regular contributor to The Huffington Post.

2017-07-21

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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New York best selling author. We're gonna do the mythbuster quiz. How's that?

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New York best selling author?

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Laura Dora, how are you? I'm great. It's good to be here. Thanks for having me back. Thank you for being with us. We're gonna get we're gonna keep it exciting. We're gonna get into a quiz, you do a quiz in your book. Many other syndicated mainstream media outlets talking about, you know, the success that you've had, we'll get into the science behind it. I want to ask you about that. But I want to make it fun here where people can participate wherever they're tuning in, if you're with your, your beloved spouse, angry spouse, whatever it and they're tuning in, and now they're going to take, we're going to do the mythbuster quiz. How's that? All right, true or true or false. And now

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I'm going to, I'm going to go ahead and ask the question that you have straight from your book empowered wife. I'm going to ask the question, and then give the right answer and then you'll comment on it. How's that? Okay, so the first one we're getting into is now you guys at home now you're going to be don't cheating. Alright, so you keep score on your own? I can't keep it for you. So true or false? All right, these are Mythbusters. I'm asked a question, and then either true or false, and then tally it up and see who wins at the end. First one. You ready? All right. Marriage is hard work. You guys got right now two seconds, you're done. Okay. answer is false. And you go

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ahead and comment. I've been married for 25 years, and my marriage is a soft place to land. waitressing is hard work. writing a book is hard work. Working out is hard work. But a marriage is a piece of cake. And then you say, now that I have the right skills. key point here, can you go and take it from here? Absolutely. Before I learned the intimacy skills, my marriage did feel like hard work. Because we were bickering all the time. We were butting heads a lot. In fact, I was right on the brink of divorce. But if you think about it, if you gave a 16 year old the keys to the car, because you said Oh, you're 16 now you're old enough to drive. And you never had them take any

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driving lessons or learn the rules of the road, they would probably crash the car too. And they would go wow, driving is really dangerous. And they'd be right. And so my relationship felt really hard just because I didn't have the right training. But now is this is where I find out that I'm beautiful and special and wonderful. And hugs and kisses and bedroom eyes. So it seems really easy. Now that I know the rules of the road. Yeah, you talk about that in your book. I mean, if you if you how many accidents will we have? If you just like what you talked about, you threw the keys to the to the people driving didn't go through the classes, the rules of the road, and you know how to be a

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responsible driver. And most people get into marriage, you know, and we don't have, we don't have what you talk about those necessary skills. Yeah, it's absolutely true. In fact, when I first learned about him, I was really kind of upset at my female relatives. You know, my mom's and my grandma's. I mean, my mom and my grandma's are there because I don't why didn't they just tell me this information. But sadly, I don't think they knew it either. I think it really is kind of a secret that most people don't know, the intimacy skills. That's why it's so important to me to make sure every woman has it because I really suffered unnecessarily. You know, when I was in college,

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there was no relationships, one on one class. And my textbooks were Cosmo magazine and Glamour magazine. And, of course, that didn't get me the kind of relationship that I dreamed up the one that I have now. Yeah. Okay, so that's you guys. either use a true or false, you call that? One of the Mythbusters. And it doesn't have to be because that's another important thing. I mean, you come home, and you've worked all day, and via the husband or wife, you don't that is I mean, really draining psychologically. You could have had a long eight hour day, but now to be fighting and bickering that becomes a lot of work, you know, managing all that stuff. So it shouldn't be like

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that hind the six intimacy skills helped to give you the skills to be able to make it where it's not like a full time job. It's not that hard, strenuous.

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That's right. In fact, one of the things that we see a lot is that women will say, my husband's always working, all he does is spend his time at work, and sometimes it's because it just feels more successful at work. He feels like

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He's getting more positive reinforcement and more respect. And so that's a more appealing environment for him than being at home. And then once he starts eating the six intimacy skills, I hear reports like, oh, he comes home from work early now to spend time with me. So it can make a big difference. You keep demand, many, many people, they end up at the pub or somewhere else, they want people to want to go home. But now with these with these six these principles, intimacy skills, hopefully, we can get things change, God willing. Okay, moving on to next is the quiz now. Okay, straight from her book. We're going to go to the next one.

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Husbands and wives have to give. Okay, have you heard this one, husbands and wives have to give and take equally for marriage to succeed? Okay, now look at each other false or true? What's your answer? And I'll give you the one the correct one, according to Laura Doyle, false. All right, and then you comment, the more women receive graciously from their husbands and focus on their own happiness, the more successful the marriage will be. Please elaborate on this. Around here, I say it's about 100 to one with my husband, giving and

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providing and hugging and kissing and making my tea and putting gas in my car, like I do one thing, and he gives me about 100 back. So it feels really uneven. And that was very awkward. For me At first, I thought, because I had been trained that first of all, marriage was hard work, and that it was 5050. Or some engineer, people say it's 100 100, everyone has to give 100%. And so I thought that that meant that I should buy my husband's socks and underwear and help him with his resume and show them how to dress and how to eat healthier, and how to make a budget. And all of that was just causing distances causing strife between us because what my husband really wanted was to first of

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all make me happy, which he does by doing all these wonderful things for me. And he also wanted my respect and admiration for all the things and the ways that he took care of me. And so it was much, it was such a relief to find out that that is a much better arrangement for both of us because I want to be taken care of, and I want to feel desired. And I'm happy to let him do that. And if that's what he wants to do, too. So it's a real eye opener for me, it was actually pretty shocking to find out that I don't have to keep up with all that he's doing. For me. I like what you mentioned here focusing when an individual focuses on their own happiness.

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Instead of trying to make it dependent on someone else, you highlight that it's important that you focus on making yourself happy rather than leaving yourself powerless depending on someone else for that happiness. Yeah, sadly, I had gotten into this terrible rut where I was really concerned with the house cleaning, and my job and all that it paying all the bills and a lot of responsibilities. And I had turned into a martyr. You know, my, my mother and her were sailor, I just didn't have much happiness in my life. And I thought it was my husband's fault. I thought it was his job to make me happy. And even as I say that to you, it's kind of embarrassing. Like, where did I get that idea. Of

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course, that important job is mine. And when I focus on that job of making myself happy, that's when I become really attracted to my husband. I'm never hotter, all of us women, when I'm singing, dancing, smiling, laughing, then he just wants to pile on. He's like, Wow, she's really happy, I'm gonna see what I can do to make her even happier. And so it's a virtuous cycle that just kind of takes us higher and higher. When I just take time out to do frivolous fun, I do at least three things a day, as a policy every single day to make myself happy. And some days I need even more than that.

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You're keeping yourself busy, you're not just waiting around, say, Okay, I'm gonna wait till he comes, he'll make me happy.

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exactly what I was doing.

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And that's exactly what I did. And I see a lot of women get stuck in this rut as well. I don't know how we get there. But the solution is to really, like I make I made a list of 20 things that make me ridiculously happy when I do that. And I just take off that list every day like, Okay, I'm going to do at least at least three that are not necessarily productive things, right. They only serve to make me happy, like maybe just having a cup of coffee with a friend or talking to my sister on the phone or playing volleyball or singing at the top of my lungs, for example. All those things are just to make me feel good, but they served my marriage magically.

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That's only two we're going to continue on with the quiz. We're going to continue having fun with this but this is something serious as in you as you highlight. Your mission is

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To help.

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And you and you mentioned this in your book your your exact words. So I don't misquote him is sharing, you know, and we're helping also to share that vision to end world divorce. I mean, I don't know if we'll get it 100%. But if we can get that number down, because it's happening every 13 seconds, every 13 seconds, someone is getting divorce. Yeah, it's really tragic. And I just remember for myself when I was there and wanting to divorce my husband, how painful it was. And also now looking back how unnecessary it was because now I'm married to the man of my dreams. It's the same man the same man. Okay, we're gonna take a break. And, and when we're done with the quiz, I'm gonna

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prove to you that there's science behind this, okay? Because it's all about science and whatnot. So this is not just her opinion, this has been tested 1000s of people and international

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coach on this, helping people from all 1000s of women, get desired chairs loved and adored, and is a great success rate. We'll talk about that. When we come back. We got to finish the quiz. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back.

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Jesus was

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back on the show with best selling New York Times author, Lord Doyle with the new book in powered wife, the empowered wife, thank you again for being on the show.

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Thanks for having me. Thank you. Are you ready to continue? Are you guys ready? You're ready, continue with the quiz.

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We were at number two. Let's go on to

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another one. Women have more. Okay, so this these are Mythbusters True or false? Is it a reality or fantasy false or fiction? True or false? Women have more influence than men on whether relationship will be connected. And fun or distant? Go I think about true. You got it. That's what it is. Laura Doyle. She goes on to say women are keepers of the relationship and have much power over the culture in the home. Please comment on this? Oh, absolutely. If you think about it, from the time we start the courtship really, men are asking women out. So we have a lot of power. It's almost like you're, let's say you're the director of the Broadway show, you get to say, Okay, this dancer is in or that

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one's out. We're auditioning men for the role. So that's a very powerful position. And then it continues it as the relationship develops, we, we are the gatekeepers for sex. And then it turns out that we also initiate the most divorce. Some studies show that as high as 90%, among college educated women, where the woman has initiated the divorce, the person who's willing to walk away, unfortunately, also has the most power in the relationship. And because men want to make us happy, you know, I've asked 1000s of men this question, I'll say, how important is it to you that your wife is happy? But let me ask you that question. Let's just get it on the table right here. How important

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is it to you? That's huge. Yeah. So all men say the same thing they say.

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That's across the board.

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Do you have I mean, we're going for it's like,

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the standard but you know, you obviously have exceptions to every rule. We're talking about the standard, right? You know, well, of all the men I've asked, the men that I've asked, they all said the same thing. They all said, it's like the most important thing. It's everything. Have you had some odd balls out, or it's pretty now.

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I've never once had anyone say anything, any man say anything, except in the UK, they said it's imperative. So all over the world, it seems to be the same thing. And so because then just want to make us happy. We have we hold the key, we make ourselves happy, then he's happy and we're happy and then the relationship is happy. And it kind of stands to reason that only happy people have happy relationships. Why? She says Why is he then making me happy? If you Miss Laura Doyle, you know, you seem to know it all. Why is he making me happy? That is a great question. And that was because he I believe that my husband didn't care about my happiness early in the marriage. Have you had those

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situations where someone will get low attitude and snippy with you? And it says?

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Absolutely. And rightly so. You know, I think that's the great thing about the intimacy skills. It's like, test them out, see if they work for you. That's what I did it for. So I just started experimenting in my marriage. But my husband couldn't make me happy for two reasons. One was that I was unbelievable. In fact, it's now someone asked me recently like, what's the number one quality

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Do you want a wife? And he said please ability, he wanted to be able to please me. And I wasn't feasible, no matter what he did I found fault with it like he would clean the kitchen and I go, Well, what about you didn't wipe off the counters? So when are you going to do that? Right? There wasn't much appreciation. And the other piece was that he knew that I was not very respectful. I didn't think very highly of my husband, I felt that I was smarter. When I had this superiority complex. I thought, Gosh, I'm just a little, I have a little more common sense than he does. And I'm just a little better at practically everything because I like having things my way. And I'm not

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proud to say that because and through this journey, I've gained some humility, I'm happy to say and I didn't even understand why I would want that before. I didn't. I didn't know why you want to be humble. And now I can appreciate Oh, give me an example. It's just happened. We're getting ready for our tax appointment. And the previous tax year, we had put in new windows and air conditioning. And my husband's kind of famous for like, that's a tax deduction. You know, I'm always like, Oh, no, no, I'm not a tax deduction. And he's, well, we make all your videos here in the house and the windows, how to soundproof the house. And the air conditioning made it so we can tape on hot days without

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you, you know, dripping with sweat, which happens, where we live now sometimes. So after he explained it, I was like, oh, maybe that is I mean, I don't know. We brought it to the CPA, and he'll figure it out. But I don't always know I'm not the big smarty pants that I thought that I was

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beautiful. That really is. I like what you said, you said, unbelievable. I mean, I've had people say that look, no matter what I try, there's no pleasing this person. So this is really profound. Let's move on to number that was three. Right? How are you guys doing now? Okay, see, at the end, you'll be able to tally it up and see who won the quiz. Let's move on to number four, a happy wife is often willing to have intimate relations with her husband, even if she's not in the mood to or false guys true or false.

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True. And Laura Doyle comments on is why would you want to pass up the opportunity to feel desired to feel pleasure and to connect with your husband physically, emotionally and spiritually, just because you don't start out in the mood doesn't mean you won't end up there, please comment on it? Well, because that hasn't just left to make me happy. And this also applies in the bedroom. And one of the things that I wasn't very good at in my earlier relationship was saying what I wanted, and just even knowing what I wanted was kind of a problem at first. And so I think what happens so for for the women who are listening, thinking, Oh my gosh, you know, what, every day twice a day or no,

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and we never stop. You know, we'd be bad all the time. So of course, you are always in charge of your own body, you always get to say what's right for you. But I just know that this part that happens in the bedroom is what differentiates a romantic relationship from every relationship that you have, you might snuggle with your kids, and you might share things that are really emotionally sensitive with your sister or your friends. But the one thing that separates a marriage and makes it special is this physical relationship that we have. So it's something that when it goes missing, does some irreparable harm to the emotional connection, as well as you're passing up this

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opportunity to have amazing physical pleasure and connection. So if it's not that enjoyable for you, if it feels like a chore right now, then I just invite you to consider the things that would make it more pleasurable for you. And then you can say those things to him outside the bedroom, you could be out for a walk or having dinner. And you could be having this really central conversation about what pleases you and how you how you would be delighted. And he is taking notes on that. He's like, aha, okay, now I know what my wife really likes. And so as you go along and continue to express his desires, and then reinforce it when he's successful with it, the whole, that aspect of your

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relationship can really become so much more satisfying and gratifying. Okay, that was number four. Let's move on to number five. You talk about here. So this is true or false. We're busting the myths.

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If something your husband is doing, if it's bothering you,

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it's best to be honest, and to say it directly. Alright, something's bothering you just tell them let them know what it is. Is this true or false? And you say, your book empowered why false? You actually say it's false. You don't have to suffer

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indefinitely, but criticism has a chilling effect on intimacy. And there's always a better way to get what you want. Please explain, explain this answer to us. So 99.9% of the time when my husband is getting on my very last nerve, and I just want to film and

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he's talking on the phone loud, or if he's shooting with his mouth open or something like that, it really is a reflection of my own self care that sound lacking. I'm on edge already, maybe I need a nap. Or maybe I need to go for a walk, I need to do something to make myself happy. Because, of course, my husband's a mere mortal man, once in a while he's gonna do something that could be irritating. And for the most part, when I make myself happy, it's absolutely I don't care. It's no big deal. Like I'm, I'm busy doing my thing. And I'm not really focused on the minute details of what my husband's doing. So it's almost always assign, and I'll ask my clients, my clients will come

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on the call and say, Oh, my husband, you know, let's get let the kids eat sugar and say, their pajamas and watch cartoons all morning. You know, I can't even trust them as a parent. And I'll say something like, yeah, how's your self care? And she'll be like, Oh, my gosh, I haven't had any I'm exhausted, overwhelmed and overworked, there's too much to do. And then when we said that, right, all of a sudden, her husband goes back to being this great guy that she married. Okay, that was five was that five? We were at five. We're gonna take a few more. And just giving you a taste of what's in this, this book. And we'll get into the science behind it. And a few more things on this exciting

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episode with Laura Doyle, best selling New York Times author here on the D show, don't go anywhere.

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Jesus,

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welcome back to the D Show. I'm with Laura Doyle, the empowered wife.

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Okay, hope you guys are having fun, we're having a nice quiz. And these are just giving you a taste of what's in the book. Much of benefit. But as Wayne Dyer once said, if you know about him, he said, either for the mind to work, it has to be functioning like a parachute has to be open. And this is extremely important. I understand, you know, if you just came on and you're giving your opinion, because of, you know, your experience, maybe in just one or two relationship, but you have been an international relation coach for how long now? 18 years? Whoa, 18 years. Okay, so 18 year is not someone who, okay, maybe you were in and out of a marriage, you divorced two, three times, and

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someone say, hey, look, and now she made it work. No, you are about to divorce. You were you acquired the skills you saved your marriage. And in the last program we did, you can go and watch it on our channel. We talk about the fallacy now the myth also and about how marriage traditional marriage counseling actually does more harm than good. And you went through that you talk about it in your book, right? which most people they think Okay, you go to the to the marriage counselor, and then it's just like us. bashing fest. Can you? Can you touch upon this before we get to the next quiz question? Sure. Yeah, there are a lot of problems there. So I, I told my husband the marriage

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counseling, because I wanted her to fix him. So he would be a good husbands, I could finally be happy, because that's how I thought it were. Of course, that's not how it works. But it is a hideout for hypocrites, if I'm honest, a lot of us still go, I was trying to self examine. I was wanting to fix that guy over there. That's never gonna work. But the other problem was spending an hour a week complaining about each other never made any couple happier. And it certainly didn't work for us. And then the other problem was that because respect is like oxygen, for husbands Would you agree, respect is pretty important.

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So the first thing that we did was I sat in front of the stranger, the therapist and told her everything that was wrong with my husband. And there's really nothing more disrespectful I could have done then to rip him apart in front of this stranger. So I actually dug my hole a lot deeper that day, they have more defensive and distant, which was opposite of what I really was trying to accomplish, which is to feel playful and connected and restore the passion in my relationship. So just for those three reasons alone, there's more but those are the top three reasons that marriage counseling actually does more harm than good. And the tragedy is I didn't know there were any

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alternatives to marriage counseling. I don't know that there were many alternatives to marriage counseling when we were going and we went for years, we spent 1000s of dollars and all I did was

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further into the ditch. Why do you think nowadays?

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When we go more back, I don't see it where it was like this? Does the culture the society today you kind of you kind of you go away from what you just said the R word respect. It's like, people, they've learned the songs about it. You know, you mentioned that one comedian, like, I can't get no respect. I remember we talked about that. But sometimes it's like, as soon as even a man says that, even though he's hot word like that. It's kind of like, it seems like he's saying something demeaning something wrong, like he. Yeah, and this is, I think, goes back to the differences between men and women. So there was definitely a big faction of society that was trying to say, hey, men and

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women are the same, were identical. And I was one of those people, I get mad if someone said that men or women are different. Because of that, well, that means women are going to lose in the workplace, we need to be equal in order to succeed. And that's just not true. Now, I can appreciate that I have feminine gifts that the world needs, and my relationship needs that I value. I didn't even know what those were. But when you look at the word respect through a feminine brain, a lot of times we think of it as something you're obligated to give like to a parent or a teacher or a boss. And so it's been a journey for me to really understand what respect looks like to my husband, and

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appreciate it, I used to think I was being respectful, if I let him know where I was, or I didn't leave a mess. And that has nothing to do with respect for him. For him, it was respectful when I didn't second guess him or try to control them or try to improve him. And I didn't always have to agree with his thinking. But I honor his thinking. And I can do that by using this magical three word phrase that I rely heavily on these days. And that phrase is, I hear you, I hear you, it's just three words. But it Listen, no, I not agree. I'm not disagreeing. But I'm bearing witness, you know, what you say is important to me, I'm taking it on board, I'm giving it consideration. I'm giving it

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airtime. And that's because I respect you. So that's one great. In fact, I actually use that phrase with almost everybody I've talked to now my my sisters, and you know, my friends and the people on my team, because everyone loves to feel heard and understood. Yeah, I like that I hear you.

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Real set. These are like, they're these are the skills, you talk about techniques. And I know as a martial artist, I mean, you can really be exerting a lot of strength, if you don't have the proper technique, I could be going at it with a really strong big guy. And he's much stronger, bigger, let's say he weighs 100 pounds more than me. But now if I have the proper technique, I can use science now leverage and technique to overpower this person. Same thing here, you can apply the techniques now that you're providing, you know, and through years, 18 was 18 years you said of dealing with, you know, different helping people to avoid divorce and implementing these techniques,

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and then having the profound results that you're seeing is truly amazing. Let's go on to, I believe this is a number five, we're going we're gonna we're gonna do a lot more, we're just going to do a couple more marriages not true or false. You guys are keeping score, no cheating, okay. So as soon as I read it, one will say true, almost a false. And then you can tally up in your mind, write it down and see who won at the end marriages where the wife is feminine,

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soft, and the husband is masculine,

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are highly successful. What do you guys say true or false?

00:28:43--> 00:28:51

True or false? And the answer is true. And you mentioned ying and yang go together beautifully, please elaborate on this

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trend towards like men have to be more sensitive or whatever it women have to go out and, you know, kill it out in the world as far as the, you know, the Boss Lady at work, you know, really kicked his butt out there. And, for me, I know, when I really get down to it, if I'm really honest, one of the most important things to me is to feel desired and to feel loved. Those are so important to me. And what my husband is really attracted to is my feminine mind, body and spirit. And so the more receptive I am, that's the essence of femininity, by the way is receptivity. So when I'm willing to accept his gifts and compliments and his help, and not just from him, but like from anybody from

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everybody in the world, that makes me so much more attractive. And then what I'm attracted to about him is his manliness. You know, there's times when I'm

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kind of funny because it's it's the opposite of feminine that it looks really strange sometimes and yet I'm all like you know what, that's hot like he's acting really randomly right now you though, and so and what does that look?

00:30:00--> 00:30:42

Like he's like, decisive, he's taking initiative, right? He's accomplishing things in the world. That's super exciting for me. And so the way to keep that excitement and exhilaration and marriage alive is to set this gender contrast so high. And the way I can do that is by showing up really feminine in my relationship. Now it doesn't take away from my success in the world. I'm, I'm a New York Times bestselling author and this book The empowered wife isn't made it to a TV series on Amazon and I do lots of media, I've got an international coaching company. So I'm also I'm lifted up much higher, and I wouldn't be if I didn't have this inner strength that I get from this masculine

00:30:42--> 00:30:44

feminine contrast in my marriage.

00:30:45--> 00:31:30

I don't know if you've heard the, the expression. No man wants another man in the house. where, you know, exhibiting what your Is this correct what you're saying to translate feminine to being soft to exhibit those, those those, those really, those gifted qualities that woman by her creator has been blessed with to exhibit more of those that soft nature, right? She can melt a man away with that, right? Absolutely. There's, there's five gifts of the feminine. And one is our magnetism, our desires, because that's such a directional for husbands, right? They're like, what does she want? Okay, that's the direction we're going. Right. That's how he knows what to do and what what actions

00:31:30--> 00:31:49

to pursue. And then as I mentioned, receptivity is the essence of femininity, that desire is the seat of feminine power, like the more you know, what you desire, and you can honor that and express it clearly. Oh, my gosh, I mean, women can move mountains, now moving a muscle.

00:31:51--> 00:31:54

All right. I mean, I'm really inspired to

00:31:55--> 00:32:23

know what they are. Yeah, she, there's cases where a woman just with her, with her luck shows to her husband, her voice, it's, it's it, she projects it in two different scenarios, two different ways. And one can just just render him unconscious and other way, you know, the other way, she could just melt him, you know, and in a way that only a woman can do to her husband. So it's, you know, these are really powerful.

00:32:25--> 00:32:26

Know, I created with

00:32:28--> 00:32:44

cheap phrases that help you get into that, that mode, right? You you use this phrase, and that's going to connect you to your vulnerability Princess, which is another feminine gift is our emotional brilliance, and then kind of rely on us to bring that vulnerability is a part of it.

00:32:45--> 00:33:15

Fascination that creates lasting commitment is comes from our vulnerability. And so it's just, it's pretty magic to use these phrases and have them kind of naturally pull you into that mode. And then you see your look on your husband's face, right. I just, I just remember when I started practicing the skills. One time I came through the door and his face lit up to see me and I just knew like, wow, this is working. And that's a lot of what we do with the sales is just use the phrases that put us into that mode.

00:33:16--> 00:33:24

Brilliant. Next one, most people get divorced, true or false. Most people who get divorced are happier,

00:33:25--> 00:33:45

within a few years than they were when they were unhappily married. Okay, so true or false? What do you guys have to say? And Laura Dora tells us false studies, she says studies show that people are just as unhappy after a divorce as they were in default in a difficult marriage. Please elaborate on this

00:33:46--> 00:34:31

reason that happiness is a personal responsibility. And so for me, I made it about my husband, and I wasn't happy, because he was right there. And I saw him all the time. So I kind of connected these dots falsely, I'm unhappy because of him. Well, I was unhappy because of me, sadly. And if I had divorced him, I can look back now it seems really obvious that I probably would have found somebody else and gone through the same exact pattern, or I would have been alone and unhappy just because that's that was what I was used to that was my habit. So it really took enormous effort in the beginning to focus to make myself happy. And then of course, it went a long way towards making my

00:34:31--> 00:34:58

relationship happy along with the other intimacy sales, but you can't expect to get happy. It's it's a fantasy that someone else's actions or presence has dude, your happiness, right? We are all you can be happy in any circumstance. And that sounds nice to say but how powerful is it to start practicing that where you are right now in this moment in whatever state your marriage is in. But so we're almost

00:35:00--> 00:35:24

Finish here. Let's get a couple more we're done with the quiz exciting to be able to take this quiz right out of her book. And it really has you thinking and you've probably heard a lot, a lot of these different statements for marriage to improve, both people have to work on it. So for a marriage to improve, I know I've heard this so many times. For a marriage to improve, both people have to work on it, true or false.

00:35:26--> 00:36:09

According to empowered wife, Laura Doyle, false women have fallen far more power in the relationship pay attention here and therefore have the ability to revitalize the intimacy of a marriage single handedly. That's like your definition of Superwoman. Men rise to the occasion, but women set the tone. People are like, What are you talking about? Please elaborate on this? Absolutely. So what we see over and over again, what I've had the honor of witnessing 1000s of times out is a wife gets her hands on the intimacy skills, she doesn't even say to her husband, hey, I'm practicing these interviews, because he doesn't even know she's doing anything. And she'll say, in about two weeks,

00:36:09--> 00:36:50

she's like, I feel like I have a new husband. He's so thoughtfully, so considerate. He held my hand in the car for the first time in 10 years, you know, or, I mean, we can start with situations that are very dire, where maybe they've been estranged for years living under the same roof, but sleeping in separate bedrooms, or maybe the divorce has already started. Or sometimes there's an affair going on. It's amazing what she can do by herself. So this was something I bought into to write, I thought I was hopelessly stuck, waiting for my husband to improve himself. And I told him how to improve himself, and he wouldn't do it. So I was trapped. But empowerment wears a disguise. And that

00:36:50--> 00:37:29

disguise is accountability, really taking responsibility for what you're bringing to the party in your marriage. And Bree is such good news. Because it was so important to me to have a wonderful relationship. I wanted that more than anything. Like that'll sound right. The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return. And this is important to a lot of women. So it's great news, we have the power to make our relationships, intimate, passionate and playful. And who doesn't want that? Yeah, I know you're throwing this power away by not using it correctly. I mean, I think that it's brilliant.

00:37:31--> 00:37:32

No one ever showed

00:37:34--> 00:37:35

you how

00:37:36--> 00:37:38

to make an omelet, or play the piano.

00:37:41--> 00:38:07

So it's not your fault. No one ever showed you this? Yes. Tell me. Now I wanted to touch upon. Before we conclude I mentioned science, you know, science. Now through empirical observation. You this is this is science. Now science is where you have tested. It's not just to one geographical location, is it? It's not just here in the United States? No. No. It languages in 30 countries, what how many languages.

00:38:09--> 00:38:54

In Japan, like handwritten notes, he saved my marriage or in Egypt, they wrote and said, We not only addiction or the way you're describing, you know, so surprised to hear an American author say these things. And an author from Germany flew here to study with me, because what I said resonated so much with her experience. So we're just Israel. Amazing following there. And then and truly international from all over. So this is tested, this is not just a theory, this is in practicality. 1000s of people have benefited from this by implementing it by being open minded and trying it Okay, you tried it that way, your way. Okay. But you can't have the, you know, relationship function on Burger

00:38:54--> 00:39:37

King Have it your way all the time. If somebody is giving you the skills that are proven effective, and that's the science behind it, because it's actually working for these people, why not try it? You'd be a fool if you didn't. Yeah, this is definitely proven in lots of different languages all over the world, and women from a variety of faiths. You know, I've been so honored to be invited into Muslim circles with, you know, women of that faith who say this matches exactly what we're taught in our faith, but it explains how to do it. So I was very touched by that it was very moving to hear that that I can I can substantiate that because there is a strong emphasis in Islam every

00:39:37--> 00:39:59

the roles are, you know, the woman is given such a high standard that she's given. She's honored so much there and she's the man has a role. The woman has a role, but I like what what she actually said you explain it in any Muslim reading. They say wow, this is this Islamic concept. It's there but it's your Laura Doyle's explaining it. It's amazing. I mean, tell us

00:40:00--> 00:40:42

Any tea? you call it? needless emotional turmoil. Can you elaborate on that? Sure. So I spend a lot of time in my anytime I'm trying to control someone outside of me, someone I can't control. It causes needless emotional turmoil. And I bought any t net for sure. They'll be like, Oh, my gosh, I'm having a lot of net. And that's like a string I can pull to figure out like, Wait, where did I get off of my side of the street? You know, I called my paper, I have my papers where all my decisions and choices and my attitudes are that I can control my husband has his own paper, anytime I try to jump on his paper is likely to be exhausting. And you know, what was really fascinating

00:40:42--> 00:40:50

about this, too, is that when I stopped trying to be like the armchair quarterback of my husband's life, and

00:40:51--> 00:40:53

what do you say armchair quarterback?

00:40:56--> 00:40:56

Yeah, you

00:40:58--> 00:41:44

want to do that? Yeah, I stopped doing that, you know, my life emerged, I got to write these books, and go and speak lie in front of a live audience of hundreds of people, which was terrifying. I was trying to avoid that, because as you scared to do it. So so much of the journey has just been about finding the courage finding my faith, you know, becoming a woman of faith, who dress, not just in my husband, but really, it's something much bigger than that. Do you cover in your book, also, helping people gain emotional stability? Because one thing is these things are logical, it makes sense. But sometimes emotions can overtake someone emotional stability. Do you cover anything in your book on

00:41:44--> 00:42:10

that? Right? So for me, and I went through a whole period of kind of being focused on these disorders, mental disorders that are in the like, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. So I was diagnosed with depression, and I have my husband diagnosis, attention deficit disorder. So we definitely had some breakdowns along those lines. I was I was on medication and cozy. And

00:42:11--> 00:42:16

so you, they diagnose they give out those diagnosis is really easy in the medications. It's fast.

00:42:19--> 00:42:52

And I remember, my therapist wasn't qualified to diagnosis, but she told us over here and you get that diagnosis. So she was telling us Oh, yeah, you guys have this, you got to go get treated for it? Well, neither of us is on medication. Now, I don't have depression, he doesn't seem to have a very successful businessman now. So the the emotional issues were just bad habits. They were just this road that I went down, because I didn't know any other options. And as soon as I learned that, I had some other choices. And not to say,

00:42:53--> 00:42:58

I mean, I'm so grateful now that these are my new habits, and they kind of carry me along. And they're

00:43:00--> 00:43:38

like, one of the key phrases that we use is the word Ouch. Right? So I used to think if you have a good marriage, your husband would never hurt your feelings. And that is just not true. When you live so close together, he doesn't mean to he never intended to hurt my feelings. But sometimes we're teasing each other or whatever. Sometimes somebody is impatient, whatever, hurts my feelings. And so I thought, well, that means my marriage is broken and hopeless. But now I just know if I just let him know. And I see this one word, I'll just say Ouch. And I'm not accusing him of anything. I'm not saying anything. But my husband is immediately react. And I've seen all over the world do this to

00:43:38--> 00:44:01

where it's like, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Or, you know, I shouldn't have said that. Or, you know, he apologizes right away kind of a miracle. Really, it seems like I that's what I've always wanted him to do before he never would do it. And now he's really quick to apologize. So just taking that vulnerable approach, and keeping the connection alive by

00:44:02--> 00:44:41

just honoring what's true for me, has been really powerful and magical. Why do you you have this and I figured this out but for someone who it's such a powerful quote, and I and I think about it's really sad that you know, you get these diagnosis is and you go through spending all this money on the conventional way. And at the end, you just you hit a dead end and some people there's a there's a a profound, you know, really intelligent, Dr. Brogan, Kelly Brogan who talks about this, she's more of a holistic now psychiatry, she used to go prescribing these drugs and giving these diagnosis. She stopped she saw I'm not helping people, I'm actually making people more sick. She

00:44:41--> 00:44:59

helps people get off these drugs. And she talks she talks about you know, all of the negative side effects from people on these drugs and people end up becoming psychotic and many killing themselves and whatnot. I mean, Thank God you didn't you didn't end up you know, going down that route. But so many people it's it's an epidemic people they get these days.

00:45:00--> 00:45:05

So now they're crippled by that. They feel like there's no hope for me they're stuck. But then

00:45:06--> 00:45:50

yeah, I mean, I found it very alarming that okay, this is gonna be the solution, I'm in a lot of pain. And this is gonna help and it really didn't happen. Anyway, then I just story where I'm depressed and my husband's got this disorder, a deficit disorder, I mean, is that a label anybody wants to carry around with him, it's not a good thing to focus on, what you focus on increases. So we absolutely have that experience of it, just making things worse. And I used to know that there was an alternative, you know, that I could practice these skills that they'd be so simple, like any woman can do them, where I, you know, none of that would have mattered, it doesn't matter to me at

00:45:50--> 00:46:21

all anymore. I never think about depression or attention deficit disorder. And we see the same thing with uh, you know, one of the one of the hilarious things is, a therapist once told me that every time she reads a woman, the symptoms of Asperger's every single time, she goes, Oh my gosh, my husband has that. Asperger's is not even something that people diagnosed anymore. They found the autistic spectrum or whatever. But because she said that, my husband, I said, How to Read the description, and we're like, oh, my gosh, my husband has

00:46:23--> 00:46:51

to be some of these things that we're calling disorders or syndromes or deficits are just part of the differences in the genders. And that is part of what makes life exciting and makes relationships interesting and exhilarating. We were all the same. It'll be pretty boring. Yeah, I'm really enjoying getting all this great data from you and having you on the program. I know. We got to cut it.

00:46:52--> 00:47:21

curtail it in a few? I just I want to get a couple more things in the someone mentions, he says, In your book, do you cover this? The The, the good about bringing up someone keeps bringing up the past, if someone just keeps on like every time, you know, you're moving forward. And then someone just starts bringing things up from yesterday, a year ago, a week ago, 10 years ago? I mean, is revisiting this kind of history good for the relationship.

00:47:22--> 00:47:29

And fairness, I just want to say this is how we were all trained. Right? That is what therapy is all about. So back to your childhood. Let's go back.

00:47:32--> 00:47:33

out and

00:47:35--> 00:48:17

this is where we all got that idea. And no, absolutely not. It's not is that what I'm doing is digging up old resentments are old hurts. Of course, that's not gonna serve me. Because that becomes now my focus, right? That becomes like the headline of our situation, like, Oh, my gosh, you once insulted me in front of my family or whatever is true. Versus like, wow, just this morning, you. You took me out to breakfast, and we went for a walk hand in hand like, and you're working hard to support our family and you clean the kitchen, right? Like, if I focus on those things, my husband just automatically seems like my era. And if I'm focused on his mistakes, I mean, no one's gonna be

00:48:17--> 00:48:25

perfect. But my husband is perfect for me. Yeah, that's been dead and buried. Why? It's like digging up the dead. Why are you doing that?

00:48:26--> 00:48:29

Yeah, in fact, a lot of women when they arrived in our

00:48:32--> 00:48:35

abuse in my childhood, or this would happen to me.

00:48:38--> 00:49:12

Go through that. But one of my the first things I say is like, Yeah, I don't care about any of that. We're just gonna learn some skills over here. And that's gonna, that's gonna really alleviate a lot of the pain that you're feeling that you think is related to these past incidents. You know, when you think about like a teenager trying to get a job, we don't say, well, maybe the reason you're not getting a job is because what happened when you were eight, let's talk about when you were eight, you know, you would say, Hey, listen, have you read a resume? Let's help you interview skills. Let's get you in front of some potential employers, right? We wouldn't say like, you know, maybe when

00:49:12--> 00:49:15

you're eight you crashed your bike, you know that you're afraid to get a job.

00:49:16--> 00:49:24

It's kind of silly when you look at it that way. Yeah. Okay, how can people get the book empowered wife where can people get the book?

00:49:25--> 00:49:26

every

00:49:27--> 00:49:59

chapter I guess, cherish calm as what most women want to cherish and that's what's gonna do but we also have something fun going on right now to get cherished challenge where I'll send you a little experiment try your marriage every day for five days. You can try one of the little cheat phrases to see how works for you see if you want to keep it or if it doesn't work for you. Of course you can throw it out but we find they are very effective for women all over the world. So at get church.com we have such a great response.

00:50:00--> 00:50:08

Last time for your, for your previous show you did. People are asking when are you going to do if you haven't already have it on audio on half of the book?

00:50:10--> 00:50:15

on audio audio book? Yes. Is that in the plan? Are you going to do anything like that?

00:50:19--> 00:50:25

audio but it's under a different title. And the title is called first kill America.

00:50:27--> 00:50:57

You can listen to it on audio also. We're not is it on Kindle, Audible, audible Audible, you can get it on Audible. Until we get it on Audible. Yes. Okay. And if if someone wants to become people in the communities, they want to empower the people in their communities with this information, they want to become a coach now, right? Like you are, how can they? How can they also get involved and be a coach a marriage? Coach, what do you call it a what we call relationship relationship call? How do they?

00:50:59--> 00:51:38

Yeah, Lord well, certified relationship coaches, we do offer coach training periodically. So just reach out to me You can write to me at Laura at Laura doyle.org. If you're called to be a coach, special women are attracted to this amazing women are attracted to spreading this message and getting the skills out especially in their community. And so we really love that I always love to hear from women who are passionate about that, like I am, this is my mission to Emerald divorce. And that mission calls to you too. I definitely want to hear from you. Thank you so much. You guys, empowered wife get the book. I want to thank you so much. It was a pleasure last time and this time.

00:51:38--> 00:51:55

And thank you for the wonderful card. Thank you so much. God bless you. I really appreciate the work that you're doing and the community does we really you know, if you guys want to, are you also visiting places people can get you to come to their communities, they can also get a hold of you there to bring you out. Yeah, absolutely want

00:51:57--> 00:52:05

to come and be where there's a group of women anytime? No, I was really flattered. I got invited to speak locally to

00:52:06--> 00:52:13

a Muslim woman standing room only and I signed her up, sir. Anybody wants me to come there? Gosh.

00:52:15--> 00:52:33

Guys, you heard that in power and power the women power the community, get her to your community, and let us know and we'll help promote it. I will. I want to thank you again. Thank you so much. God bless you. Thank you, Lord. Thank you. Yeah, my pleasure. You've been so wonderful to me. I can't thank you enough. Thank you.