How To Fix Unhealthy Relationships

share this pageShare Page
The Deen Show

Channel: The Deen Show

Episode Notes

Fixing Unhealthy Relationships with Psychologist Sr.Haleh Banani also some great advice from her to President Donald Trump all on this week’s new show

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


00:00:00--> 00:00:06

He wants to be loved. He wants people to cheer for him. And all of this hatred stuff directed toward him.

00:00:07--> 00:00:10

It's not good for him. I always want to be loved. You know?

00:00:12--> 00:00:17

Like when I went on dates, if a woman dropped me, which happened too often.

00:00:20--> 00:00:24

I would always like to say, or at least in my own mind that I dropped her. Does that make sense?

00:00:25--> 00:00:28

So what happened? Makes me feel better.

00:00:38--> 00:00:50

Assalamu alaykum greetings of peace, we're with our special guest. 20 years experience helping patch things up. We want to keep families together with our sister

00:00:51--> 00:00:53

holla the nanny

00:00:54--> 00:01:04

holla banana, Holly banana, I always mess up people's Holly. Hello, banana. Hello, banana. Are you doing very good. Thank you for having me on. Thank you for being with us.

00:01:05--> 00:01:34

20 years experience. Yes. Before we get into like, exactly like a little bit of your background. Because you're psychologists, you help with psychology. I do hate, you know, our new president, Donald Trump. Right, right. Who was it? There was some I forgot his name. He's also a friend of Donald Trump. And he says he said that this is really bad on Donald because Donald wants to be loved. I actually think this is something that

00:01:36--> 00:01:47

it's going to be very detrimental to his mental health too, because he wants to be liked. He wants to be loved. He wants people to cheer for him. And all of this hatred stuff directed toward him.

00:01:48--> 00:01:54

It's not good for him. It's not good. And and it's

00:01:55--> 00:02:25

legit. There's a reason every president who leaves the office has gray hair, I always want to be loved, you know. And there's a lot of hate, you know, that's out there focusing, you know, towards, we would say towards the Muslims, you know, you as a psychologist, if you want to be loved, what advice would you give to someone if Donald Trump was your client? Or right? What would you say to him? What would I say to them? If he was a client? Yeah. But depending on what he's in for, right, wanting to be loved.

00:02:26--> 00:03:11

You know, I think first of all, we have to have the right intention for doing things. So merely doing it to gain approval or love from others is not sufficient, I think that we should always live with a higher purpose. So I would say direct that towards having a more genuine and more sincere intention. Because the love of the people here, you could get it. And it's very trivial. It can come and go. So I would say we have more sincerity, and do things that will unite, do things that will bring the country together and benefit benefit everyone. I mean, that's because now psych in your area of expertise of clinical psychologists Talk to us a little bit about the first time they've

00:03:11--> 00:03:53

heard this term. Sure. I did. my masters in clinical psychology and clinical psychology is actually it's a 16 hour credit course, where marriage and family it's 30 hours. So it was very intensive, and unhemmed ally, it was something that I was very passionate about. And I focus on all different mental health problems. So whether it's whether it's anxiety, depression, marriage, individual or family, everything I deal with it all. How do you deal with the fact that you do have a lot of people who are out there trying to date so called like, you know, self proclaimed scholars, they got them on Fox News. You know, I don't know some lady Ali, who this Daniel, and they're like, you know,

00:03:53--> 00:04:36

the Muslim woman is oppressed, they need to speak for the Muslim woman, some woman you're imitating the the mother of Jesus, who we love and revere, right is a chapter named after her in the Quran. What do you have to say, for people who think that you're oppressed? You know, Alhamdulillah I feel that Islam has empowered us and I feel incredibly empowered. I don't feel oppressed in any way, shape, or form, made the decision to wear the hijab on my own against the will of the family actually and against against the societal norms, but it's just something that I believe in and I feel that I can you achieve anything as a Muslim woman Alhamdulillah, so no oppression here. And I

00:04:36--> 00:04:59

usually say I say, Why don't you talk? I mean, is that a good idea? I mean, talk to them as some woman talk to her. I mean, there's it statistically now, there's more Islam being the fastest growing way of life in the world, but more women are coming to Islam than men. Why don't you step up and talk to the Muslim woman Exactly. And I see what happens when we make that connection whether whether it's flying, whether you're at a at a restaurant, or

00:05:00--> 00:05:39

Making these kind of connections where you share and you talk and you find that people just really put down their guards the stereotypes are all they fade away. And just by merely meeting another Muslim and, and sharing the thoughts and the and it's just it's I think it really changes their perspective. So get out there and meet a Muslim is what I eat a Muslim and I am. I'm very optimistic and hopeful. I mean, I'm trying I tried we should as Muslims look for the good in situations obviously, many of these politicians we mentioned Donald Trump and we'll go off into I just want to mention this. I'm hoping that

00:05:40--> 00:06:20

that there'll be good that comes from this from this obviously we want we hope we'll let the organization's hold those politicians who do unjust things to account but I strongly feel what do you think that he should sit with Muslims meet the Muslims and fight the Muslims talk with them get to know us? There's that Canadian Prime Minister he's getting? He's getting decided that he's got it down. I can't tell us from it from a psychological point of view. I mean, sitting get to know what these Muslim, these radicals or whoever out there don't represent Islam. Exactly, exactly what the mainstream community right. And I think that when a politician does that, when they take the time

00:06:20--> 00:07:04

and effort to get to know the community when they visit the mosque when they go, there was actually a report recently of a man who, who claimed he said, I hated Muslims, john Dutcher will straight out tell you what he thought of Muslims. I actually hated Muslims. And he said that once he got neighbors who were Muslims, and he interacted with them, he was in tears. And he said, I saw that you saw that the women with their headdress on you know, I just was sneer at him. Dutcher was surrounded by the people he loved. But Muslims moving in, moved him. It took this to Yeah, to to wake me, you know, wake me up. Yeah, a change of heart for the man who didn't realize he had such a

00:07:04--> 00:07:43

big heart. Yeah, his whole attitude change. And now he's like, they're big brothers. So for politicians, for anyone out there, if you take the effort and you you go and you meet your neighbors, you go to the local mosque, and you'll see that it. There's so much more we have in common, so many, so many unifying forces that we have a lot of commonalities a lot. I mean, if people would focus on that and make that it's so powerful, that human connection in Islam by itself is so powerful. There's so much good there. And I think if a lot of these people, you know, would take the time to come visit us, visit the mosque, get to know, your Muslim neighbor asked those

00:07:43--> 00:08:30

tough questions. We address them here at the deen show. Right? And as a clinical psychologist, hate that doesn't just breed more hate it sure does. It sure does. I think if we are instilling this fear and people fear what it does it it mobilizes people, and it really makes them act irrationally. So the more fear that is instilled in the hearts of the people, the more radically they react to that so you find that there's a lot of hate crimes you find that people are they are overreacting and so definitely if we can instill that sense of commonality focus on that then it truly makes a difference and what's been very beneficial I think the you know, we always say that everything that

00:08:30--> 00:08:50

happens there's a wisdom behind and there's all hair and what has happened is that it has galvanized so many people so many good hearted non Muslims to to solidify and to join and in solidarity with the Muslims so I find that a lot of hair is coming out of all this a lot of good is coming out

00:08:51--> 00:09:22

that's what I'm saying look for the good there are a lot of the people are coming out of the Woodworks right writing a lot of injustice is a lot of this hate pointed towards the Muslims. Yes. And like this is unjust is not right. And they're getting to know the Muslim there you speak about you saw the prayer that Muslims would pray. Yeah, that was beautiful. It's beautiful. And when you tuned into the deen show, and you really get to know what Islam is about. You have a different understanding a totally different perspective. We're going to be right back. We got to tell we haven't even touched upon the five pillars of marriage. Yes. We're going to talk about it more you

00:09:22--> 00:09:42

want to save your marriage. We're going to get into one of these, the top 10 characteristics for conflict resolution giving people a taste of all the work that's on your site. We'll talk about it here in the show. Don't go anywhere. Please subscribe to the show. Follow us on our official Facebook and Twitter pages in the links below. Please also help support the show by making a donation in the link below.

00:09:45--> 00:09:51

Back here on the D show, and we already started off with a positive message for the President.

00:09:53--> 00:09:59

And hopefully he'll take the advice coming from Halla banana Holly

00:10:00--> 00:10:39

90 years experience now clinical psychologists fight till about this website, five pillars of marriage. Why did you start? Why'd you name it five pillar, we have the five pillars of Islam. Yeah. Why did you choose the five pillars of marriage? Well, this is a project my husband and I have been working on for the past three years lambda law. And the reason we chose the five pillars, these are the five most important aspects of marriage. And we wanted people to associate it to Islam. And that it is it is integrated together the the psychological perspective and the Islam. That's what that's what I do, I bring the two together. And so the the pillars are, you've got the self development,

00:10:39--> 00:11:01

that's one pillar, right. And that's all about making yourself better, if you're better than you will bring more to the table, you'll bring more to your marriage. The second pillar is friendship, which is, you know, they've done research that those individuals who, whose marriages last 20 3040 years, it's because they had a friendship with their spouse. The third one is,

00:11:02--> 00:11:47

is spirituality, which is that being aware of being God conscious, and knowing that everything that you do, you're going to be held accountable for. fourth pillar is conflict resolution. And that's the meat of the of the program where you learn how to resolve conflict, what to do to avoid it, what to do after a fight, it's just all the issues that come up and how to deal with it. And the fifth pillar is a physical intimacy. And, and I put him in order for a reason, just use a lot of psychology, and that is that we have to work on ourselves first, then we build the friendship, we have to be aware of a law to resolve the conflict. And once we resolve the conflict, and all those

00:11:47--> 00:12:29

things are in place, then you can open up and be physical. Till it what do you think so this is a great I've, I've spent some time on the site, you got a an area where it says start here, or you break it down? I'll get into more of that in a few. But tell me, have you heard of I had this best selling New York Times best selling author, Laura Doyle, who was on the program from the surrender surrendering wife, right. And she talks about what's the difference between you've done a lot of marriage counseling? What's the difference between the traditional behavioral counseling and the kind of counseling that you that you that you do, right, very different, quite different. I do

00:12:29--> 00:13:05

cognitive behavioral therapy, and I do short term solution focused therapy. That's why men love it. Actually, men are coming Middle Eastern men coming to therapy, and they're enjoying the process, the law, because it is very much geared towards changing the cognition, the way you think about things in order to change the behavior. And it's really, it's really interesting, because when, when a couple comes to me, it's not so much about, you know, just tell me your problems, right? It's not just about he said, she said, because sometimes when people do that, it gets heated. And they get they're more upset after the

00:13:06--> 00:13:30

fact. And many therapists use that. Use that approach. But at Hamdulillah, I have a very different, a completely different approach and a methodology that I've designed myself. And it's very much when they come Actually, I get them on that first session. They're giggling, they're bonding, they're sharing. And it's just, it's a way of uniting the couple of hamdulillah. It's not like a trash me session, like

00:13:31--> 00:14:08

she talks about, right. And she quoted a UCLA study, that actually most people who go to that type, yeah, counseling. year later, some of the marriages just fail, it doesn't work. Did you sitting there disrespecting each other just trashing each other? Of course, no, I don't allow that in the session. It's very much about coming on the same page, finding things that they can, you know, kind of recapturing the past, and learning how to have a good marriage. That's the focus. I said, we can take that route of he said, she said, it's a long and expensive route. The men are like, No, no, no, no, we're not going to take that route. Or we can learn how to have a good marriage. And that's the

00:14:08--> 00:14:49

route we take and hamdulillah I've been seeing amazing results you have on your section. Here is is conflict resolution. Let's give them a taste, sir, you have the top 10 I'm going to not go into any chronological order. I'll just, you can elaborate a few on few of these. One of them is positivity, you start off with positivity, right? This is the characteristic, the 10 characteristics to have, before you even get into a conflict. It's so important to be positive because some people come in to a therapy session. And they're just they're so negative, they're so pessimistic. They have no hope. They feel like this is over. And with that mentality, we're not going to make progress. So as a man

00:14:49--> 00:14:59

as a believer, we are we are trained, we have no option but to be positive, right. So we have to have that listener than think the best of Allah

00:15:00--> 00:15:44

think that everything that is happening is good for us. And so when you're positive, you come in with a certain energy and you're ready to make things, change things around. Next one is empathy, empathy, empathy. It's all about feeling for the other person. A lot of times people come in and they're so selfish. They're just thinking about me, me, me, right? But when you are empathetic, you're thinking about your spouse, you're thinking about, where are they coming from? What are they feeling? And we dig deep, we realize what's behind their position, and where, where are they coming from. And once once I see couples understand that, they can resolve issues, acceptance, acceptance,

00:15:44--> 00:16:25

okay, we all want to be accepted, we all want to feel loved and accepted. And when you give your spouse that feeling of acceptance, and it's just it is the most wonderful feeling. And that means not trying to change them, not trying to make them, you know, either thinner or more religious or change their careers. It's about accepting them for who they are. Now, if someone says on the other end, well, how can I accept someone let's say that's transgressing all sorts of limits? How do you do it? It's like an art there. That is a positive change where Okay, you accept them for you. But then for the for some, maybe someone has some negative habits, what do you do? Well, I have that on

00:16:25--> 00:17:11

the conflict resolution and talking about how sometimes you have a mismatch spirituality actually, I think it's on spirituality, the pillar of spirituality. And there are definitely methodologies ways that by being a good example, by encouragement, never by demanding never by becoming a parent to your spouse, and you know, telling them you have to pray you haven't prayed and, and nagging in that sort of way. So there's definitely a way of encouraging each other to be our best, but not necessarily, in forcing it. So you go over all that? Yes, I do on three, five pillars of marriage. We're gonna be right back with more, we got to cover these 10 keys for the top characteristics for

00:17:11--> 00:17:28

conflict resolution, we covered a few of them, we're giving you a taste. This is a great website, great resource for your marriage. We'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. Please subscribe to the show. Follow us on our official Facebook and Twitter pages in the links below. Please also help support the show by making a donation in the link below.

00:17:30--> 00:18:08

Back here on the deen show, five pillars of marriage is the five pillars of marriage calm, yes, five pillars of marriage.com we're giving you a taste of what's on this site. And before I get into touching upon some more of these, some people are just really, they become despondent, they become really, they've given up on their marriage. They'd like whatever you reading these things to me. I'm just not there. What do you say in this situation? If you like as a sinking ship, right, I always tell them, don't give up and give it one last try. Because a lot of times people want that emotional connection. They feel like this marriage, I don't have the emotional connection, I want more. I want

00:18:08--> 00:18:48

more intimacy, I want more of a feeling like my spouse has my back. They're supportive. They're comforting, and I'm sick and tired of the fighting and the ignoring and the explosions. So what I tell them is that, you know, it's, I understand that many times people have given it a lot of effort. And I don't doubt that it's not a lack of effort. It's the lack of the correct knowledge and the correct methodologies. So it's really about learning, learning effective ways that can really change things up. Do you see that? Because we've developed a lot of throughout life, we just kind of things been passed down from our parents, maybe right? Maybe they didn't have the best of marriages.

00:18:48--> 00:19:08

So we do things how dad did or mom did. So maybe she was desperate, disrespecting, he was disrespectful, he wasn't helpful. And now we kind of just, you know, we don't have the tools, proper data to go ahead and implement and it's just in shambles, where we have it. We have I mean, we have the Quran. Yes, we have the example of the of the last and final messenger, Muhammad.

00:19:10--> 00:19:31

So now, and then the application and that's one of the things you talked about wisdom, right, apply it. So how do you from years of just doing it, like Burger King, your own way, right? And now, this is coming to you many, many people, they haven't had these tools. How do you get all this? Where it's, it's it's something now you can start?

00:19:33--> 00:20:00

Because you've been doing it just your way for so long. And now how do you make that transition? Right? It is we are so affected by our environment by our parents. And like you said, many people don't have the example. So that's why a program like this, when you go through it and you learn it, then you can actually it's kind of like resetting your whole outlook on marriage. It's it's rebooting it completely and learning

00:20:00--> 00:20:41

from scratch, because a lot of times, all it takes is just making some simple changes. I had this one couple come in, the wife cried throughout the whole first session, the man was like I'm giving up, right. And it was just a matter of applying some of these techniques and learning new ways of dealing with one another overlooking forgiving and then and then learning how to resolve the conflict that sopapilla within a few short sessions. They were on their second honeymoon, you know, so it works when you learn the new techniques and new apply it. So the wisdom that you asked about? Is that what you're asking, and that's one of the characteristics. Yes, yeah, yes. Wisdom, I would

00:20:41--> 00:21:24

say I would highlight that and underline it, because that is so critical for us to have wisdom to add wisdom is defined as knowing what to say how to say it, when to say it and to whom to say it to. So it takes a lot of wisdom to have any kind of good relationship, especially when it comes to marriage. emotional stability, I think this is very, very powerful. You have it there. Yeah, sometimes we just lose ourselves in our emotions, right? Men and women both right? Sometimes men, they might be emotionally unstable, they get angry and reactionary. women become very unstable, emotionally, maybe having all sorts of outbursts. So for me, I think this is very critical. I spent

00:21:24--> 00:22:06

like almost two years teaching this in in Dallas and one of the mosque talking about emotional stability, how important it is, as a Muslim to be able to control our reaction, our emotions, because that is what true strength of character is not just not just being impulsive, but thinking through an acting in a way, just like the Prophet salatu salam having that kind of prophetic character. Okay, a lot of I mean, is there, I don't think there's any arguing with with any of these things. It just makes sense. And anyone who's reasonable, rational and really wants, you know, to do things the right way. I mean, it's here, but how do you get when there's one party's like, let's

00:22:06--> 00:22:44

stick to it, let's just do this, okay, we're gonna, but then the other party is kind of like halfway there. It's like, they keep going back to those bad habits, right. And this happens a lot, right, so many people come in, and maybe the husband is dragging his feet to come into the session. And sometimes it's the it's the woman not being very open and receptive. So what I tell people is that even if you're the only one working on your marriage, you can save it now how, because as you change yourself, then your spouse is going to react to you differently, right, because you're making changes, you're overcoming your shortcomings. Maybe you had a temper, and then you learn how to

00:22:44--> 00:23:23

control your anger. Maybe you're you weren't very affectionate, so you learn to be more affectionate. So obviously, that's going to have an impact on your spouse. And if you do that long enough, and you're patient enough, then you're going to see that it totally transforms the relationship because you're no longer the same person. And so even if you're the only one going through the program, you can, you can inshallah, save your marriage by applying, applying the things I'm working on yourself. Because law Yokai, euroma, befoul, Manhattan euroma, IBM for him that Allah does not change the condition of the people until they change themselves. So we can work on

00:23:23--> 00:23:59

ourselves, we can improve it, and then our relationship inshallah will improve as well. Is it pretty? I'm seeing it's pretty easy to navigate you also, I like this where I'm gonna say five pillars of marriage. Yes. As a section, start here. As soon as you get on start right there. Yeah, so I noticed the videos, they're not too long and a beginner short, right? They're short videos, every subject has a separate video. And that way, it keeps the person's attention. And it's talking about how go through it in order, you don't want to skip because some people may be like, Oh, I have the conflict. So I want to just like jump right into that. But if you take it in order, it builds

00:23:59--> 00:24:44

and there's a psychological reason for the order that I've chosen. You even have a bonus section here and reality. You know, you have other laws, you know, things that anger management, right, a very special, a special bonus that we have, I had chef he also called the to a one hour special for the program and also chef Omar Suleiman. And they talked about the rights and responsibilities of the marriage and also about the fit of the fit of marriage and the courting period. Okay, so people are seeing right here, they're getting a little glimpse of it, right? We're giving them a little taste of some of the stuff that's on there with you the person that's in charge who's put this

00:24:44--> 00:24:59

together, all in essence of trying to save the marriages. It's a big disaster nowadays. It really is. It's so sad. I mean, every single day, I have people who come in, who are you know, they've been married for maybe 18 years.

00:25:00--> 00:25:40

And they're fed up and they're ready to call it quits, their people come in, and there's been cheating. There's infidelity from both sides, unfortunately. So what this does is that not everyone is motivated to go to a therapist, not everyone can financially afford it. So this is something you can do in the privacy of your own home, you log on you, if you get it today, you can start today. So it's not something like you have to wait for a specific time. And in the comfort of your own home, you learn it, and then you can apply it and start changing your marriage, people can also count. So that's what say the website again, that's five, the number of five pillars of marriage.com. And you

00:25:40--> 00:25:48

also do private sessions via Skype. And yes, people get your content, right, that's a holla banani.com and you can have I do

00:25:49--> 00:26:29

Skype therapy sessions with people from around the world. Alhamdulillah Thank you very much. We look forward to having you back again on the show. My God Almighty Allah bless you for your wonderful work. Does that calaca Thank you for having me on. Thank you. There you have it started off with a message for our President Donald Trump, looking for the good in situations holding people accountable for the injustice they're doing. But given advice to make the human connection with the Muslims, and get to know the Muslims, get to know Islam, call us at one 800 662 Islam, and then saving your marriage is a great resource five pillars of marriage. Check it out, get it, save your

00:26:29--> 00:26:33

marriage, and we'll see you next time here to the show. Until then Peace be with you.