Channel: Daood Butt
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To learn more Elena v Hill Karim Ali a funnel solar to automata slim rubbish Rockley solder us silly Emily Lockwood attend melissani of Cabo Kohli, my brothers and my sisters Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
It is Sunday evening, January 31 2021. And we are finishing up our chapter today,
the chapter of marriage.
We've been going through divorce and today we're going to be doing the QA we're going to be discussing now, I'm just going to very quickly move this camera, give me a few seconds inshallah,
just get this moved. There, I think that's a little bit better. That way I could see the chat.
So we're going to be concluding our chapter on marriage. And we will be going through there I've done shout Allahu taala discussing done what it is. So it shouldn't take too much time. And we will have some time for q&a at the end. And this is where hopefully, you know, we get those questions on there. And what?
Sorry, not only that, I should say, we want to we want to get all the questions that we can on marriage done today. So that, you know, when we do move to the next chapter, we're not focusing on asking the same questions that we've already covered. Okay. So that's something that hopefully we get done. Today shot a lot of dad, forgive me, I had moved things around on my desk and everything's kind of out of control, but we'll get it done. We'll get it done inshallah. Okay.
So we're going to start with the ADA. Okay. What is the definition of the idea is basically a waiting period, okay. waiting period, from the period after the divorce is pronounced. For a specific amount of time, the Arabic word for Ida basically means linguistically, to calculate or to,
to count, okay, to calculate our account from an Islamic perspective. It refers to the period of time that a woman must refrain from
from marriage either after her husband passes away, right? So after the death of her husband, and she's a widow, or
after her husband pronounces divorce to her, okay. And it is calculated either by giving birth or by the menstrual cycle
period, or in terms of months. Okay, and we'll look at that in detail inshallah. Tada. So, what are the different types of Ada? Okay, what are the different types of Ada? So there's the idea of a widow, okay, there are the waiting period of a widow,
the waiting period for the widow
as in someone whose husband has just died or passed away.
So that sister would have to enter into a waiting period of four months and 10 days, okay, so that basically four months in 10 days, regardless of whether the marriage
had been consummated, or not, okay, Allah subhanho wa Taala says in verse number 234, have sought out to the macabre Ruby laheem. ina Shay banyuwangi name
one levena You telephone me, como, una es
todo bosma be foreseen.
Allah subhanho wa Jalla says once again in verse number 234 of Swords out some bacara and those of you who die and leave wives behind them,
they as in the wife that is left behind shall wait.
With regards to marriage and remarrying for four months and 10 days, okay. So during the time of their death, she is not to remarry. Okay, she has to wait out that time and that time is put in place and by a loss of Hannah, whatever either.
The exception to this is if the woman was pregnant. Okay, so if the woman was pregnant, then there's an exception to this rule. Then her waiting period is until the time that she gives birth. Okay, so if she was
pregnant and her husband had passed away, then she should not get married until after the child is born. Okay? Allah subhanho wa Taala says insalata Pollack.
Verse number four, and for those who are pregnant, whether they are divorced or their husbands are dead, okay, so And as for those who are pregnant, their waiting period is until they deliver until they deliver the child that they are pregnant with.
What did I want to mention about this?
It was narrated that sobia
islamiya gave birth one night after her husband's death. So one night after her husband had passed away, she gave birth, okay.
She went to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and asked him for permission to get married to wed.
And he gave her permission. And so she
would she got married.
This is found in it's a hadith that's agreed upon in Bukhari and Muslim. Okay, so
she gave birth, one night after her husband had passed away.
So her husband passes away. And the next night she gives birth, and she went to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and asked him for permission to wed and he gave her permission. So she got married. Now, this sort of contradicts what we mentioned before, we were talking about a woman getting married, a woman whose husband passes away, she has to wait until after the AI is over before remarrying. And we said, the exception to the rule is, when a woman who's pregnant
and their husband passes away,
then she has to wait until after the child is born.
The question is, how long is that going to be most of us think in our minds, okay, then that means it's going to be more than four months in 10 days, which can be more than 10 months, more than four months in 10 days. However, here we see in this example, that the Prophet salallahu, alayhi wasallam, allowed her to remarry.
From the day after,
from the day after. So that's an exception to the rule. And of course, I think, for the most part, it would be very difficult for a lot of sisters to,
you know, to move on very quickly, while at the same time, many of us think, oh, why would any why would any sister get married so quickly after her husband passes away? Surely that must be something difficult for her to do? Well, there's a number of things that we need to keep in mind here. First of all,
there might be the sister who was going through a very difficult marriage, and her husband was not treating her well to begin with, then maybe she, I wouldn't say happy but is relieved. Okay, maybe she's feeling relieved from the difficult marriage that she was living through. There's, there are many scenarios that I can give. So I'm not going to give all of them I'm just giving a few. Then there is the
the wife, or the woman who says,
My husband passed away. And
I need someone to look after the children with me, I can't do this alone. How am I going to, you know, take care of all the children. And so she might feel hesitant to remarry, but feels the urgency to remarry
quickly, as quickly as possible. And I know of cases like this, in fact,
some had a lot I know one sister who had what seemed to be an amazing marriage. Right? Very happy in her marriage very, very content with her husband and look, no one's marriage is 100% Perfect. Okay, no one has to my knowledge Allah Adam, right, but I'm not. You know, everyone has issues everyone has disagreements, even the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam at times, you know, his wives disagreed with him or his wives were maybe not pleased with him or, you know, he may have been frustrated at something that took place and we see that in, you know, the books of Hadith.
But that doesn't mean that just because someone argues they're not happily married, okay. And so,
I in this example that I'm giving you know, I know a sister who some
A lot her husband passed away.
And I know how happy she was in her marriage based on you know, my understanding of their situation and how things were.
But she, not long after her husband and I thought it was going to be very difficult for her, which of course it is. And it was but she felt in a new, the urgency of, of getting married and being with someone and having that person there and sharing your life with them and you know, going through those hurdles together, raising those children is not easy. Right? So she put her
she put a lot of things aside in order to push forward. And may Allah Subhana Allah bless her and all those sisters out there who do that right because I try to understand it myself. Like if, if I lost my wife, laqad Allah We ask Allah Subhana Allah to protect all of us, give us long life, good health with Iman and strength, and, and, and goodness in this life and in the Hereafter. You know, it would be very difficult. Personally, I'm not the one to say I would remarry, right.
However, we don't know what the situation would be like, especially when people have children. So you can only imagine what it would feel like or imagine what it would be like and try to imagine what you would do.
And that must be really hard. Really, really hard for someone who's in you know, a good loving relationship to remarry and move on. So, we should, we should respect when someone goes through something like this especially when a sister goes through you know the loss of her husband and then pushes through that in order to re marry someone and you know, is dealing with her emotions and dealing with the hardship of it, but doing it for the sake of pleasing Allah subhanho wa Taala and looking after herself and you know, her own personal needs and desires you know, the desire and need to have someone there with you to discuss things with to share ideas with to raise family and
children and so on and so forth. May Allah subhana wa tada help us all. I mean, I have no idea where it was on the page. Now. I just went off on this rant.
Okay, so the one who is divorced before consummating marriage. Okay, so when a couple gets married and they do not consummate their marriage, there is no way for that couple. Okay, we mentioned last week that the marriage is simply an old, okay, the marriage is an old or cancelled out and there is no way for her and again with regards to the moho she returns the Maha unless he allows her to keep it okay.
Allah subhana wa Tana says,
and this is verse number 49 of soda to
O you who believe when you marry believing women and then divorce them before you have sexual intercourse with them, then there is no waiting period. Sorry, no waiting period have you to count in respect of them. Okay, so if someone gets married and does not consummate that marriage and gets divorced, then there is no waiting period. There's no need for that sister. Okay.
If the woman is one who's experiencing menses, so a woman who gets her period, okay?
Because we're going to look at a woman who doesn't she may be older and has gone through menopause and does not get her periods. Okay. So if a woman is one who is experiencing menses, then her waiting period is three menstrual cycles. Okay, so people will ask how do we calculate that? If a husband divorces his wife now, okay, we're talking about if a husband divorces his wife,
her period sorry, her? Yeah, the the period of the idea or the timing? The length of the IDA would be three menstrual cycles.
As a loss of Hannah with Allah says, what a mobile cloud we both know the full
setup UI and divorced women divorced women shall wait with regards to their marriage right and remarrying for three menstrual periods as Allah subhana wa tada says fella that a guru, okay.
So the word guru here refers to menses K or period as a loss of Hannah boy to add as messenger son a long ladder usnm
you know, men
into or taught, shuttle the lover unhappy with regards to the period, he used the word guru.
So now what if a woman no longer gets her period? So a woman who has gone through menopause and does not get a period every single month? What does she use for calculation? Okay?
here Allah subhana wa tada shows us in sort of Paula Converse number four.
And those of your women who have passed the age of monthly courses of their have their period for them the waiting period, if you have doubts about the period, okay, so if there's doubt as to when the period is happening, or if she's not having her period at all, then that waiting period is three months, okay, three months is Allah subhana wa tada says that eartha to asuran will let he lemonnier him. Okay? So for those who don't get their period, then that
for a duration of three months. Okay.
It's a downside to live streaming from home. Right, the microphone picks up all the background noise. So my wife or some of the girls, one of the girls is probably using the vacuum. And you're hearing that in the background. Many thanks to the background crowd.
Okay, so what is obligatory upon the widow during her Ida? Okay, what is obligatory upon the widow during her Ada?
So there's a number of things first of all, what can she do and what can she do?
Okay, what can she do and what Can't she do?
You're making all this vacuum noise in the background? Yes. Sorry. Is the door closed? Good to
see you and you live stream and you're talking about marriage, you're talking about divorce and your wife is right next to you and you can't see her but she's
stuck. stuck. Okay, you can go out now.
Let me just change the way I teach now. I'm just joking. She's always watching anyways, women don't have two eyes. They have 1001 every single sister out there reports to your wife.
what is obligatory upon the widow during her death? When a woman has her a de Okay, or when a woman is going through her experiencing it and living through it.
There's always this question of what can I do? What can't I do? Okay.
So let's look at a few things. First off, not beautifying themselves, wearing perfume, wearing jewelry wearing, you know, clothing that's flashy and attractive and so on. Well, Martha,
on the other hand, has said and I'm just going to skip down to
the part where she mentions you know, what, what can't be done. She says during the day, we were not permitted to darken the
the rim around the eyes. So basically not permitted to put coral on, okay, coho is
what's the other word for it?
Surma okay. Pakistanis Indians will call it Surma. Okay. Also, similar to eyeliner, right, putting that on around, you know, the eyelids.
That's not permissible to put on during the day. Okay. Also, she says, so we were not permitted to darken the rim around our eyelids with coral. We're not permitted to apply perfume or to put on any dyed garments except the one that was made from a rough Yemeni cloth. So not permitted to wear anything that is flashy or attractive or going to draw in some sort of attention towards that sister. Whether it's you know, decorating the eyes, makeup,
you know, any anything that's that that would draw attention to you, okay. beautifying oneself, of course, I gotta be careful when I say anything that would draw attention to someone because
You could draw attention to yourself if you don't use perfume and you don't shower and you don't clean and I'm not saying that people don't do that, but I'm just saying like, on the flip side there is that,
you know, element of drawing attention to oneself where it's not pleasant. Okay? However, at the time of purification, she says, When any of us performed the hustle after her menstruation
good, you're at the door close.
This is really annoying when people are coming and going into so many things happening, I need to focus, right I need to focus so.
Alright, let's get back to it. She says. However, at the time of purification, when any of us performed the closer after her menstruation, meaning after the three ministrations, when that does over or sorry, after the four months and the 10 days,
it was permissible for us to perform to perfume ourselves. In addition, we were forbidden to follow the funeral procession. So, during the dead, they were not permitted to have the or to go into follow the funeral procession.
But once they
took their hustle, and there was over the menstrual, you know, menstrual cycles are over, and so on and so forth. Depending on the situation, you know, you can now start to use those things again. Now. That's traditional. And we're going to keep it at that however, I'm going to mention something here, people will ask Okay, so what can we do? Does this mean can you know, we can't use deodorant? Does this mean that I can't put perfume on if I'm inside of my home, and so on and so forth. Now, if a sister is
living through her ADA,
let's just say in the case that her husband passed away,
and you know, it's two months into her Ida
family wants to have this massive get together, and they're thinking, you know, Hey, you know what, let's just have this huge family get together at your house, because, you know, to make you feel good, you'll cheer up a little bit, and so on. But then there's non Muharram people that may be coming into the house, and this is, this is why islamically it's not preferred for this sort of gathering to even take place inside of the home of someone who is experiencing their Ida. And she should not, you know, beautify herself and do herself up in an attractive way. That may, may make it difficult for her, you know, throughout there in the long term. Okay. What is obligatory during the
period for someone who is going through a revocable divorce, remember, the revocable divorce is someone whose husband divorced them a sister who was divorced by her husband either once or twice.
Okay, either a first time or no times. And so there's the first time and then the second time. Okay, so
what must she do? during that waiting period of the revocable divorce, the woman must remain in the house of her husband until the day comes to an end. What we mean by this is not just stay inside the house, and she can't come out for three full months.
What I mean by this is and what Islam means by it, the Shetty is indicating to us that the two people are to remain living together during that
they are supposed to stay in the same home, except in the case, as I mentioned earlier, in previous classes, except in the case of someone who is going through an abusive relationship, or marriage, or, you know, an abuse of various different kinds. Okay, so there should be no abuse that's taking place there. If there is then yeah, there's a need for the two of them to separate but generally throughout that,
if it is the revocable divorce, so divorce was pronounced once, or one time, or it was pronounced once in the past and this is the second time that sister is to remain living with her husband, as we mentioned, because that encourages reconciliation, okay.
She's not permitted to leave her home for the purpose of going to live somewhere else, but she is permitted to leave her
home if she needs to go and do something, okay, if she needs to go and work or she needs to go to school or fulfill something that's a necessity upon her, she needs to do her banking, she needs to buy groceries, she needs to, you know, whatever it is that she needs to do that's important. She's able to go and do that. So Allah Subhana Allah says, and sort of to pan out in the very first verse, and we've you know, gone through this I think we went through it last week as well. Allah subhana wa tada says, Yeah,
uh, Johan nebby, you either one loco tumon Nisa.
What Who? Back home
Boo Gina Ella.
una Allah subhana wa tada
and I'll get to that answer in a second inshallah. Sister. I think it's huida. Or, I don't know it looks like it's all one big word. But yeah, I'll get to that question in a second. So Allah subhana wa tada says here oh Prophet, when you divorce women divorced them at their Ida as in at the prescribed time. Remember, last week, we learned when a sister is being divorced, the husband should divorce his wife after she has completed her period, and has taken her hustle before they've been sexually intimate with one another. So Allah Subhana Allah says, Oh Prophet, when you divorce women divorced them at their Ida and count accurately their periods. And fear Allah your Lord, and turn
And don't turn them out of their husbands homes as in don't drive them out of your home.
Nor shall they themselves leave. Okay, so indicating that the couple is supposed to remain together, except in the case that they are guilty of some open, illegal sexual intercourse, as in they've, you know,
committed how long sexually with someone else.
proves what we were just talking about. And I want to get to this question that one of our sisters asked, she says, Why are there restrictions on us during that, but not on men? Okay. So with regards to the restrictions that we're talking about, remember, it's first off to remain home, except in the case of necessity, right? So if you need to go to work, if you need to go to school, if you need to go get groceries and stuff like that, whatever is a necessity, then that's needed to go there. Now. The husband
generally should be going out for his necessity as well. And also for sauna. No. Does that mean that the husband now has the opportunity to go and do whatever he wants chill, stay away, go on vacation. And no, he should try to maintain that relationship and try to reconcile as well. But remember, the husband still has the responsibility of looking after his wife, that he just finished pronouncing divorce too. So he still has to go to work, he still has to earn he still has to clothe her, he still has to feed her, he still has to protect her, he still has to speak nicely to her. He still has to, you know, basically all of what he had to do in marriage still applies during the time of
the day. So he still needs to be out and about, okay, it's his responsibility to do that. He can't escape it. Sadly, there are many cases of people. And I know, I see I see, you know,
people who I was supposed to call back, right? I was supposed to return a phone call yesterday and I completely forgot I always end up getting busy with something and then I don't end up calling people back to Panama.
But there are sisters who go through you know, really tough times where the husband will divorce her and then she will be the one who bears
who bears you know the the hardship of lots of extra things that she's not supposed to look after. And I'm talking specifically about finances. So now you're asking, why can't we beautify ourselves, so within the home, okay, within your home, you can maintain yourself, you can and remember, there was a difference between the
A woman who is on her Ida, because of the death of her husband, and the death of a woman whose husband pronounced divorce to her, but still is with her living with her. In that case, sister, it is encouraged that you beautify yourself. So if a husband pronounces divorced to his wife, it's encouraged that, that she beautifies herself, of course, in, in the intent to reconcile. Now if the marriage is really terrible, no, the woman shouldn't be like, Oh, I'm going to beautify myself for you know, but with the intent of of reconciliation. And yes, you can still beautify yourself, you can still put on perfume and you should, it's encouraged to do that. So there's, you have to
separate the idea of someone who's getting divorced, or going through a divorce or was divorced was pronounced to her, and someone who,
a sister who is going through her or experiencing her, because her husband passed away, okay, someone whose husband passed away, that's a time of mourning, that's a time of, you know,
verifying a few things like making sure that she's not pregnant before her marriage to someone else. Also, making sure that you know, no one does anything with her and a time that may hurt her feelings, or we also don't want any men taking advantage of her. Right, the both men and women, when we lose someone from our lives, we become vulnerable. Okay, we become vulnerable.
it's, it's very dangerous at that point in time, because there are many people who
they just, they just don't think they're very selfish, right. And so they may take advantage of someone who is going through
you know, their Ida because of
the loss of their spouse, may Allah subhana wa tada make it easy, I mean.
So what is obligatory during the waiting period of an irrevocable final divorce, so the husband pronounced divorce, one time in the past, then they reconciled and then a second time, divorce was pronounced in the past, and then they reconciled once again. And a third time now divorce was pronounced what is obligatory during the idea of the irrevocable
So during that, Ida,
the sister is,
again, to leave her home to go out, she's able to do that to fulfill her needs. jabiru even Abdullah or the lover unsaid, my aunt, or my aunt, depending how you pronounce it, I say Auntie, right. So my aunt was divorced. She wanted to go and gather the fruits of her date palms, but a men prevented her or someone from the household was preventing her from going out. She came to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam to inform him that she was being stopped from going out. And he sent a long letter usnm said to her, certainly go and gather the fruits of your date palms, for you may give them in charity or do a good deed. Right? Basically, the profits on the long ladder. usnm shows us here,
that a woman who is on her Ida is able to leave her home for the purpose of going to fulfill necessities, things that are that she needs to get done. Now, let me just sum it up. Sometimes, especially in some cultures, you know, people think we cannot leave our home at all.
Can't do anything, can't go anywhere, can't buy groceries, somebody needs to do it. It's basically putting a huge burden on a lot of people. And that's not the intent. Allah subhanho wa Taala doesn't want us to feel burdened. He also doesn't want us to sit back and just do nothing. Right. He wants us to be on our feet. He wants us to continuously move forward in Excel and grow and become stronger and stronger.
And so it is not as some cultures
describe their idea as you cannot go out and you cannot do this and no one can go over and you can't do that. You know, you can move about the point is you spend every night in your home. You don't have people who are not my home to you at your home. You don't go and spend time with people who are not my home for you.
You, right, and we're not supposed to do this, whether we're experiencing it or not. But the point there is that you make sure that you are spending your time in your home away from people that may take advantage of you may Allah subhana wa tan and make it easy. I mean, and then the last part that we're going to look at is custody. Okay, custody of children.
So custody is to protect the child from what can harm the child and to attend to the needs and interests of that child. Okay? So if a men divorces his wife while they have a child, okay? She has more rights to that child until the child reaches an age where they're able to differentiate between what is right and wrong, they're able to make a decision for themselves. Now, people will say, Oh, they can't make decisions until they're 18. no children can make decisions before they're 18. Okay, it's not like some magical thing that you wake up and you're 18 or 19 years old, and whatever province or state you live in, that dictates that now that you're 18, you can choose whatever you
want yesterday, you couldn't but today you can. Islam doesn't look at it that way. Islam says when a child becomes of the age that they're able to reason, then they can make that choice. And also some of the scholars say, when the child is able to eat food on their own, okay.
some scholars will put a number to this and say, the age of seven, okay, the age of seven.
So going back, if men separates, or divorces, I should say, his wife while they have a child or children, then she has more right to look after there's children until they become an age where they're able to choose, okay? Once they're able to choose, then they can choose either of the parents, they can choose to stay with the mother, or they can choose to stay with the Father. Okay.
Also, some will say that children should stay with their mother until she is until they're eating solid foods. So for the time that they need their mother to breastfeed them, they should stay with the mother.
And I'm just giving you different differences of opinions, different views that are out there, okay. And then once the child is no longer breastfeeding, then the child is the is the father's responsibility. Okay. And then once the child is of an age that they're able to decide and choose which one of the parents that they want to stay with,
or which one of the parents they want to stay with, then the child will choose either the father or the mother and go and stay with them. Okay? However,
so long as the mother doesn't remarry. So if the child is young, and she remarries, then the child goes to the Father.
except in the case that the Father says no, it's okay. You can stay with the mother. And you know, we're gonna sort this out. Now I'll explain to you why. First we'll look at to Heidi's and shallow dad. I'm not even sure I narrated from his father on the authority of his grandfather that a woman said or messenger of Allaah son along and he was sending them. This child of mine was living in my stomach. My breast nourished him, My room is where he was protected. And now his father has divorced me and wants to
wants to take him away from me.
The Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam told her, you have more rights to him, as long as you do not remarry. You have more right to him to the child, as long as you do not remarry. But what I have the longer narrated that a woman came to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and said O Messenger of Allah. My husband wishes to take my son while he brings me water from the wealth of Nevada, and I benefited from him. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam turned to her child. Okay, so she says, My husband wants to take the child basically her ex husband right, wants to take the child while he goes and gets water from the well. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said to
the child, this is your father. And this is your mother. Okay, this is your father. And this is your mother.
Take the hand of which of them you wish.
So he took the hand of his mother and left with her.
So when the child reaches an age that they're able to say, I want to be with this parent or I want to be with that parent islamically. Remember, we're not talking about the legalities in the country that you live in every single one of you could live in a different country. So, again, we're just looking at the shed. Yeah, I says, and these are guidelines from the shed here, however, you still have to look at the laws of the land that you live in whatever country you live in. And if the country says, Hey, you know what, until this age, the child is going to remain with this parent, or the judge will say, Nope, because of your history, your child is not able to stay with you, you can
only spend one day a week or one day a month, or sometimes even, you know, just a few hours. That's a different story we're talking about generally here from an academic perspective. And again, you still have to look at the laws of the land that you live in.
So now that we've gone through these two Hadeeth,
a person will ask,
why can't the child stay with the mother.
If she chooses to remarry? Well, first of all,
the mother remarries, her new husband has the responsibility of financially maintaining his wife.
And not specifically financially maintaining her children as well.
The responsibility of financially maintaining the child is upon the Father.
Okay, that's one thing.
we, as human beings,
should not marry someone and treat their children, the children of the woman that you're getting married to, as though those children are aliens, we should look after them as well, if you want to marry this woman, this woman has children, you should consider that before you get married to her. Okay.
For the most part, brothers do consider that. However, there are some times and I will say this here as well, that some sisters feel they should not tell the men they're going to get married to that they have children from a previous marriage. And I've dealt with a case like this, where a sister got married, and after marriage on like the second or third day, told her husband that she just got married to
that I also have children from my previous marriage. And he was just like,
What? Why didn't you tell me this. And she was worried that he was not going to want to financially assist her in looking after the children. And she felt that if he marries me first, then he has no choice.
again, that's where the laws of the country you live in will, you know, figure this out for you. But as Muslims, we should always try and do what's best. Right? We should always try and help one another and look after each other, whether we're married to them or not, we're supposed to look after our neighbors. We should look after the children of our friends we should look after, you know, children in general that we know the parents or we don't know the parents, right? It's our responsibility to look after anyone, as Muslims as believers. Okay.
Another thing with regards to a woman who has children and remarries is
the complications of
the Hatem. Like, who is the maharam of that child?
here's an example.
I'll give you an example because it makes more sense with examples sometimes write
a sister who has, let's just say a brother gets married, he has a son and a daughter, and a sister gets married to this brother, and she has a son and a daughter. Okay, so this
man, how am I going to do this? Right? For me, I have like, anyways, so a brother and a sister or a man and a woman get married because when you say brother and sister people are watching are anonymous, and we'd be like, Wait a second, brothers and sisters can't get married. Right? They might say Oh, in Islam, this is true. It ain't true in Islam, okay. So in Islam, there's no incest this does not exist or you have to be loving unless panaway to Allah protect every single one of us from you know, things that Allah subhana wa tada has not made permissible. So
So a man marries a woman, okay.
And each one of them has two children, boy and a girl boy or girl. I'm just using boy and girl. It just makes it easier. Okay?
The men who's getting married to his wife, now his bride, right?
His mom for his children.
And he's going to become maharam for her children. So that's fine.
But his son
is 15 or 16, or 17, or 18 years old.
And her daughter
is not maharam for that men's son.
Does that makes sense?
So the man who gets married, who has a teenage son, to a woman, who also has a teenage daughter, those two children are not maharam for each other.
And this is where it can be problematic. Right? So that's why a child in that case, the husband might say, the ex husband, the father might say, okay, since there's going to be an issue of Muharram. in that house, I want my children to stay with me.
these are guidelines put in place. But if there's an understanding, and this is why I always say, first of all, understand the legal or legalities that exists within your,
within your country, right, understand the laws within your country.
But even more importantly than that, before we even go to the laws, we as Muslims should be understanding people who are going to always try and do what is right, and what is better, and what is easier for others as well. Now, I know sometimes people will say, No, I can't accept that, okay, fine. Like everyone has their own personal reasons why they feel the way they feel, and I'm not going through the shoes of other people, none of us are going through the shoes of each other, okay.
But generally, as Muslims, we should be more understanding of each other and trying to help one another out. This is why I always say when a brother, or when it when a man divorces his wife, he should always remember that
she will be Where is his Muslim sister, and she has rights upon him still, right as a Muslim.
And then, if they have children together,
then she will always be the mother
of his children.
And vice versa, I tell this sister, your ex husband is a Muslim, he has rights upon you, you have to respect him in the sense that he's a Muslim, and you're respecting a Muslim, a human being.
And if you have children together, then he will always be the father of your children. And if you remarry, someone, that person does not become the father of your children with your ex husband, their father will always be their father, your husband, your new husband, becomes your husband, but not the father. He can father those children as in, look after those children, help those children be kind to those children, teach them values and morals and so on and so forth. But he will never be the father of those children. I hope that makes sense. And that brings us to the end of this chapter. Just come along ohioan. I honestly didn't. Didn't expect it to take this long. But then,
you know, when you get into it, there's so many things in addition to what I mentioned, that we could continue talking about. There's so many other little things here and there. But we just don't have the time for all of that. And that goes into specific cases, and it doesn't necessarily apply to every single person or, of course, nothing really applies to every single person.
In some cases, it will in other cases it won't. So we'll leave it at that inshallah to Allah. And we'll open it up for q&a.
And seeing as nobody has any questions I'm about to begin my weekend.
Sorry, you know, it might make some noise, but I'm just going to move this out of the way a bit.
All right, so I'll just wait for some questions to come through.
And if you have no questions, feel free to leave as well.
or stick around for other people's questions.
So someone's asking any recommendations for further readings.
To be honest, I think one of the best places to start with is the books of Hadith. Like when you read through books of Hadith, you know, look through bluehill muram.
Right, look through boodles and muram, you'll get a good
idea of the various different topics that are found in books of Hadith.
You'll see different IDs that are mentioned there to you things that you probably never knew of before. So look through the books of Hadeeth look through Sahaja Bahati, you'll get the abridged version if you don't know Arabic, get the abridged version, look through Sahih Muslim as well. But don't just stick to those to look through the other categories.
The kotoba sitter Right, so the sun,
sun in Abu Dawood, even imagine,
Timothy, you know, look through these books, and read through the chapters of Hadeeth an effect and try to understand more and you'll find stories will find longer stories and Heidi's you know, what, a lot of the time in many of the classes that we teach, we don't have the opportunity to go through lengthier Hadeeth. And there are many longer Hadeeth out there. And this is why you'll find sometimes we basically just take lessons out from certain Hadith, or when you read through the longer ones, you get more context of what was taking place and what you know, took place during the time of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam.
I saw a lot of adekola Abdullah says I want to ask questions, but I have to go pray fudger go pray fudger that's more important to you. Okay, that's more important for you, inshallah, to add any other questions, anyone have any questions about anything related to marriage, before we move off? From the chapter?
Does the father have to give money to the mother if the child is living with her?
So islamically the responsibility of financially looking after that child comes from the father of that child? So does the father have to give money to the mother of the child? If the child is living with her? Yes. Okay.
But when we say give money to her,
if she says, You know what, buy the groceries, okay, buy this amount of groceries for the child, make sure he has clothing and stuff like that, and he fulfills all of that, then that's efficient as well.
So again, we look at it from an Islamic perspective. And so yes, islamically the Father has to financially maintain his children. But then again, you still have the laws of the land that we live in. Okay. So you have to sort of look at that and respect that as well.
How is it problematic for step siblings in terms of non Muharram, apart from dressing modestly in front of each other? Because I was thinking what other reasons are there.
So that's one reason. And it's not just dressing modestly, that can lead to something else, right. So it's not just a simple thing, it's actually a really big issue, to be very cautious of. So that's one thing.
That's actually a big deal. Secondly, there's the financial aspect of it, like who's going to look after them financially. And then there's also, you know, some hannula, we live at a very different time than this a habit of the alarm. Like when,
first off, when when many of them had a child when a child was born, they would send the child away for a number of years to live with, for example, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was sent to live with Halima or the olana. And
that separation from the parents allows the child to grow somewhat independently from their parents.
No doubt a parent will never, you know, not love their child. But it's it's very different. Now, when a wife
is divorced and wants to remarry,
yes, it's her children.
But there are some men who
I'm picking and choosing my words, you know, wisely here, because there are some men who want to marry someone who has children, but just wants to live as a couple, and sort of ignore the children. And so sometimes the children will suffer psychologically as well. And they'll go through mental health issues where they'll feel sidelined. And and I do deal with cases like this, I'll tell you, this is a huge problem that children experience and they don't say anything about it, they just don't, because children are a lot of children are not used to speaking about their feelings and emotions, right?
you know, brothers and sisters who know me who asked me questions about things, when they have children, they'll, they'll see that I tell them, and don't ignore your children or speak to your children about it, you know, and, you know, make them feel good, or talk to them about it, or, you know, spend some time with them, treat them do something nice with them. Because some of those children talk to me about their problems. And I'm not saying that I have the solution for everyone's problem. That's not what I'm trying to say here. What I'm trying to say is
that these youth are scared, children are sometimes scared to talk to their parents about things. And
they hold their feelings and emotions in for a long time. And it has long term effects on them. Right? They start to grow apart from their parents, sometimes they start to hate their parents. And they feel like Oh, they were never there for me because of this and that. And they chose that person over me. And they chose this thing over me. And
it can be very harmful psychologically. So yeah, just keep that in mind.
Any other questions?
Before we move off to the next chapter next week in sha Allah?
no other questions going once.
And I know it takes you time to type things in so we'll wait for it and Shawn law.
There's a lot of things with regards to marriage, divorce and child custody,
health, health care, you know, who pays for if the if the child wants braces? Who pays for that? You know, and then again, there's the laws of the land, right?
There's the laws of the land, like, certain things, you don't really have a choice in.
But then islamically, we look at it and say, Well, is it a necessity for the child to get braces? Is it a necessity for me to pay for expensive haircuts, right? Nowadays, haircuts can cause a lot of money, especially if, you know, let's say someone has a daughter who's
1516. And they want like, these really expensive hairstyles done regularly. And the ex wife is telling the ex father, well, you got to pay for this, you know, this is how much it costs, you got to pay for it. And he's like, Well, wait a second, like, I'm not paying for that. And because there's lack of communication between the two of them, for whatever reasons, right, and grudges from the past and, you know, issues that have come up and continue to come up. You know, they don't really communicate very well with one another. And so there's constant financial, back and forth, and a lot of relationships like that. So it's a matter of trying to come to common grounds and an
understanding of what's a necessity and who's gonna look after it. And, and communication is important. And if there's not going to be communication, I'll tell you now there's going to be problems.
That's just the way it is. islamically though and here's the thing before I look at some of the questions that popped up,
and for those of you that do have questions, please type them in so that we don't have to wait for you to type it out later.
islamically when it comes to,
was gonna say,
as I say,
when it comes to things that are a necessity,
man, what was I gonna say?
I can't remember what it was gonna say maybe it's for you know what? It's from Allah subhanho wa Taala I forgot what I was gonna say.
And that's from Allah subhana wa Tada. So I know some of you will probably like a no, we want to know we're gonna miss out. Well, Allah made me forget, for some reason, maybe there's someone on here that you know, he's
he's helping a loss pan with Anna knows best or he's protecting for some reason.
He was talking about haircuts, but he was something islamically
Oh, yeah. So islamically if the husband and wife, ex husband, ex wife.
You know, sometimes there's
one person, you know, one of one of the exes who says, No, I want to know, I want to know, right? Like, we have to have constant communication and constant like, I need to know what's going on in your life. You need to know what's going on in my life. No, you don't. Okay? No, you don't. So someone gets divorced? Yes, it's good. It's, it's healthy, to an extent, to have, you know, communication for things that are a necessity. But more than that, it's like, Oh, you didn't tell me that you were, you know, buying a new car. I don't need to tell you if I'm buying a new car, right? if, let's say,
you know, a wife says, buying a new car or ex wife or ex husband says, you know, he buys a new car and like, Oh, you didn't tell me you were buying a new car? Why are you keeping that from me?
islamically it's like, you know, we got divorced. We don't live together anymore. Yes, we father and mother, our children. But that's it. So, again, it's not black and white like that, but somehow Nala that's an example of how sometimes too much communication is not healthy and not good. And you need to understand that when you're married, you're married when you're divorced. You're divorced. Okay. And you don't need to share all the nitty gritty little things between the two of you okay?
is shaking while reading the Quran an innovation or bedarra? It's not from the deen and in fact, it's something that we should not do and we're reciting the Quran you shouldn't be like, yes see in one local O'Neill Hakeem in a cannon in animals, any idols little themistocles we shouldn't do that. Why? Because as Muslims, we should be composed. And when we pray, we learn this from the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. When we pray, we are still and when the Jewish pray, they rock and they move. So differentiating ourselves from them. We don't do that. Okay, when we recite the quota and we are still our minds are working our minds are, you know, revolving around the words of in the
ayat of the Quran, but our bodies are still right.
Look, not, you'll find out next week.
And then Isabel asks, Is it an obligation to serve the in laws?
It depends on what your definition of obligation is. So is it an obligation to be respectful? Yes.
We have to be respectful as Muslims as part of our Deen. Right.
But is it an obligation for husband's wife to spend her entire day serving her husband's parents? No.
His parents are his parents and her parents are her parents.
Are we to be respectful towards them? Yes.
Is it his right? For his wife to cook and clean and do the laundry and serve his parents? No, it isn't. Okay, it isn't. And when I say isn't, I mean it is not.
Okay, you were talking about haircuts. Okay. If you're like I'm watching myself on life. Yes, yes. You watch yourself on life, because you might forget things. It was forgetful.
He sounds like emotions, feelings, wanting to know each other's business. Yes, a lot of the time it is emotions and feelings, wanting to know each other's business.
Yeah, okay, Sister, I should definitely like, if we're talking about child support, that's a different story. So child support, like I said, you have to respect the laws that are put in place if he is dodging the child support, and he's like buying a brand new car.
That's where you probably have to go back to court and, you know, discuss that in court, right.
And there's a lot of people who do take advantage of things. So
again, I gave the example in the sense that, like, he's fulfilling all of that, okay, let's just say, not in the case of him not paying child support. He is paying the child support based on the country and the laws that he's living in. And he's fulfilling all of what he's supposed to do. But it's like, Oh, you didn't tell me that this was happening in your life or, you know, new changes or things that are going on?
You know, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. As long as he's fulfilling what he's supposed to be fulfilling. The extra stuff is not part of your life anymore. Okay.
What do I miss something?
Is it not a cultural practice to help in the memorization of the Quran? Yes, it's a cultural practice. And that's the thing sometimes culture has no place in Islam. So culture has a place within Islam, but some cultures are not part of Islam. They go against what Islam promotes and encourages. I've seen children move in mosques forward and backwards. Can you do this if it makes you feel comfortable? Not thinking you're a Jew or Jewish, but maybe because you're used to it similar to that question above. Okay, so for those that are asking about rocking while reciting the Quran, I used to do that when I was small, I used to recite and
we used to sit like this, you know, we'd be sitting there as a Ruby Lang you know, shavon and logic enemies me, man in law, he knew what to do. He was a Tony onesie, Nino? Uh huh. I mean, look on the photo panel. He acts Anita.
Feeny, but then you get older and you're realizing you're not supposed to be reading like this, and you're not supposed to be moving. So then you train yourself to stop moving. And you train yourself to start thinking about the verses of Look what to do when you're assigning them because you're not supposed to be shaking. Make sense? And in fact, it's not even encouraged to speak that way. It's not really encouraged to speak in the tone of the recitation of the Quran. The recitation of the Quran, the tone of its recitation is unique and should be specific to the Quran. Right?
it's not encouraged to do that. It's actually discouraged. To do that, you know, I did that as an example that we learn and we grow and we change. And yes, people would say, oh, but it makes it easy for me to memorize the Quran. Try it differently, trusting that Allah will make what you're doing for his sake. Right? You're doing it for the sake of Allah, if you're doing something for the sake of Allah, believe and trust that Allah will make that easier for you. And it means of whatever you're doing become easier for you than what you were on. But I'm already used to it. Don't worry about already being used to it. Try something different. And you'll see that a loss of hanway height
and Baraka in that if we never try something different, and we learn new things, but we say Oh, but we were brought up upon this way. Well, that was the way of the people of Jamia right, the people of Jay Z or the time of JD, I should say, right, the time of ignorance when Islam came about and brought these amazing ways of living, the Sahaba had to change. We grow up sometimes with our culture in us, or the culture of our parents in us and we say Oh, but this is the way we were brought up. Good for you. If that's the way you were brought up, right? I was brought up that way as well. All of us were brought up different ways. But we all try to change when we learn something
good or better for us about our Deen or within our Deen. So when we make that sacrifice for the sake of Allah, things become better and easier because we're doing it trusting that Allah will make it easier for us. Okay. How about if a mother in law is alone? What type of obligation is there in Islam, then the obligation is upon her son, or her daughter, whoever it is that her children are for them to look after her. Now.
What about the case of a mother in law who's alone and only has one daughter. For example, one daughter or only
daughters, and those daughters are married, who then has a responsibility? Looking at this, this sister who's a mother who has a daughter, for example? Well, this is where the son in law should find it within himself, right? To help financially and so on and so forth. But the question is a daughter in law helping her in laws, and we all know that this is usually a huge problem in the majority of people's marriages, okay? It's the it's, it's, you know, the sister as in the wife,
who gets taken advantage of, and a lot of the time, it's because of culture. That's how culture is.
I've been to Pakistan and I saw firsthand there I've known about it many years of my life. But when I went to Pakistan, I was like, Wow, look at this, like, my cousin's wives, you know, my cousins who are married, their wife's will, like, come into the house, and serve the whole house. And anywhere went any village, any home I went to is like, the men are chilling. And sitting in the women are like, you know, smashing the, the spices and they're like, beating it away and cooking the food, and they're bringing everything and the brothers and then having their giant sitting down, the sisters are in the kitchen, and they're working away on the job and doing all this stuff. And it's like,
they don't need to be doing that. For me, for example, like if I go over like, yeah, okay, I'm a guest in someone's house.
But if they choose not to do it, then their husband has to cater the food, or hire someone to come and cook that food. And I don't want to go and make problems in people's marriages by saying some of this stuff, but that's the reality of it. It's the reality of it. Right? There are issues that people have they take advantage of their daughter in laws. And that's why the question was asking about the daughter in law specifically, is a book of the Aloma under Sahabi. That is referred the most to Acehnese. My, I choose not to answer that.
That was a beautiful dimension.
I've come across a lot of sisters who have had controlling husbands the emphasis is that the ideal wife is one who is obedient.
The ideal wife is the one who helps you to get to Jenna, while you help her to get to Jenna. Okay.
obedience. Yes, we see that that is important. And we spoke about that at the very beginning of the chapter on marriage. Okay. But it it goes both ways. Like, we I think, if I'm not mistaken, I highlighted What does obedience mean for the wife? And what does obedience mean for the husband as well? And there are certain things there that need to be looked after. Okay. So in some cultures, and again, the problem that many of us have, when we learn about Islam and talk about Islam is we mix our culture and our family practices as in what are what families do each of us have our own families and things that they do. We mix that in, or it gets mixed in without us wanting to with
Islam. And then we think, oh, but this is the way it is because this is the way that Muslims do it. No, that's the way that Muslims from a certain country and region do it. That doesn't mean that that's the way Muslims do it everywhere. Right?
Because the way of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was to serve his family so well, that his wife would want to look after him, because she's being treated like a queen, that she wants him to feel like the king. Right? I always say that is that if you treat someone like they're the best to you, then they will treat you like they're the best to you to them as well. And so it goes both ways. And this is why, you know, we have issues in marriages, when people say, Well, I don't have to do this, oh, I don't have to do that. I don't have to do this. And I don't have to do that. Okay, so if everyone keeps saying I don't have to do this, and I don't have to do that. Where's that, that
that concept of sin within our Deen
and terrible de la hookah and Nikita who fell into kuntala who fell in Iraq to worship a lot as though you see him and no knowing that you don't see him understand and believe that he sees you. What that means is you always want to try and do the best you can anything you want to make it the best. You want to fulfill that action, that moment, that time, that thing that you're doing as best as you possibly can, not because of the person who's in front of you, but because of the one who
Watching you on law Zilla Jen. And so when you perfect the way you treat your family, your family in return will want to perfect the way that you are treated. But perfecting the way you treat your family is not only in serving them sometimes it's saying no.
It is time for salah and I'm going to pray your food can wait right now. It's time for Salah. So now it's more important to get up and make although that's important for you to
woo right? It'd be like what? How dare you say that? No, but it's true.
Our children we teach children right islamically you have to obey a law obey His Messenger and obey your parents. Right? except in the case that they tell you to do something that goes against a law and his Deen, then you can go against your parents. And if the child is being told go and do this, and the child says, but I'm gonna miss sada It doesn't matter. No, no, no, it does matter. Same goes for adults, right? spouses.
So how about if your speaking is the case, and the mother in law is still on?
Okay, wait, let me try and understand. So how about if what you're speaking is the case, and the mother in law is still alone.
Okay, so if it's the mother in law, who's alone,
should the daughter in law look after her. She doesn't have to, it's the husband her husband's responsibility to look after his mother. And if he says, but it's my mother, you have to cook for her. No, I don't have to cook for her islamically I don't even have to cook for you as my husband. Right? islamically, I don't even have to cook for you as my husband.
But I cook for you out of the goodness kindness of my heart. I don't have to look after your mother. She's your mother, you have to look after. If you want me to do something, let's sit down and talk and discuss and see what we can do. What's what I'm able to do within my time, what I'm able to do within my sanity, what I'm able to do within my finances, what I'm able to do within looking after my children and so on, but I don't have to a daughter in law does not have to maintain her in laws, her husband has to look after his parents.
If that means hiring a maid, hiring cleaners, hiring someone who's going to you know, provide some medical assistance to them because he's not able to do it, then that's his problem.
He has to maybe work a little bit harder, allocate some time towards it, you know, get his siblings to find some time as well to help out and so on and so forth.
Again, we shouldn't be so strict and rough on it. But to say that you have to look after my parents. No, she doesn't have to look after your parents. Out of the kindness of her heart. She will look after your parents. Okay.
Certainly cultures make women look like slaves to people, whereas this time empowers women. I don't know a while ago, that a woman didn't have to look after her in laws are closed and for clarifying this. But again, don't make it a problem. Right? Try and find a solution to the issues that you're going through. And we ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to make it easy for every single one of us in whatever it is that we're doing or whatever it is that we're going through.
So it seems like that's all the questions we've gone on for an hour and 21 minutes I think or an hour and 20 minutes. I think that's more than enough time. I don't want to turn this one into one of those hour and 45 minutes, lectures just below height and for attending barakallahu Fie calm, we'll see all of you very soon inshallah. Friday Juma
lecture at 1230. And then Friday night once again
Subhana Allah Allah will be hand ik Masha Allah Illa Illa antenna star Filipina to week it's been
a while actually in internal if you hustle Latina woman where I mean assignee had white household will have the White House or the struggle or some of Lahore send them all American and Amina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa salim or seller. Omar aleikum wa rahmatullah robota Council. My weekend begins after I checked my email.