Tips for Parenting Muslim Children & Teens
Channel: Calisha Bennett
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Episode Transcript ©
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Oh the bIllahi min ash shaytani R rajim Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim in Al Hamdulillah Hina Madho and a star you know when I stole Pharaoh when are all the bIllahi min Shu Rory and fusina Amin sejahtera Molina Mejia de la who Fela mobile Allah Who am a little fella ha de la eyeshadow Hola Hola. Hola. Hola. Hola. Hola. Hola Cherie Keller wash Hello Ana Muhammad Abdul Hora solo Ahmedabad, barely Oh praises due to Allah we praise Him we seek His help and we seek his forgiveness. We seek refuge with Allah from the evil within ourselves and the evil consequences of evil actions. Whoever Allah subhanaw taala guides and and can misguide and whoever is led astray, none can guide I've ever
witnessed that there is none worthy of worship of Allah. He is alone and has no partner. And I've only said that Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is his slave and messenger. Salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatu. My dear sisters, it's wonderful to be here with your group and your community. May Allah subhanaw taala reward the organizers of this gathering, and may He allow us to benefit from what we share here in this session. And may Allah subhana, Allah bless and protect all of our families and guide us to the straight path. I mean, so today's session is on tips for raising Muslim children and teens as requested by your your group. And I just noticed, I just want to
apologize for the image. When I selected the image, I only saw the hands I didn't realize it was like a drug
or drug situation image. So apologies in advance, it's just meant to be a nice gentle image, not with the other things on this panel. But because it was small on my screen, I didn't see the things around the hand, so just apologize for that and I'll edit that inshallah Allah. So we're going to cover in this session, some tips for raising Muslim children and teens. And this is a topic that no matter the time, no matter the, the generation, it's something which constantly comes up within our communities where we're like, what do we do with our children or teenagers? How can we be better parents? How can we address the issues that are coming up, it's always a critical issue. It's always
an high demand, worry and a high demand situation for families, homes and communities and not just within our Muslim community, but for all families, irrespective of their background, and their faith in their culture. As we all know, Subhan Allah, when we are blessed with our children, especially the first few children, and there's this massive sense of responsibility, the sense of the this child, this precious child is such an Amana, it is so pure, and this child is so perfect. And we wonder whether we will be able to fulfill the rights or responsibilities that we have towards that child. And sometimes it we start off and it's very simple, it's it's changed them, feed them,
nurture them, comfort them. But as they grow, and as they get older, and as they start to embark and interact with the big wide world around them, we start to see different changes, or different challenges come up and arise. And then we're met with perhaps, worry and apprehension, we start to feel unsure why once upon a time, we felt like no, I'm doing okay, I can raise these children I'm, you know, feeding them clothing them, fulfilling their emotional needs, and now they're growing and changing and I'm not sure how to deal with them. And the way that I used to deal with them isn't working, because of those challenges that you might be facing Pamela. So we start off life, we see
this child as pure innocence upon the fitrah and then we have this huge responsibility of trying to maintain that Fitzroy maintain their bond with Allah subhanaw taala and also raise them to become productive, healthy, stable, and inshallah to Allah faithful members of society. And that is no easy task or no easy feat as many might be feeling.
So if I had to ask you sisters right here in this group, there's 37 of you here Mashallah. What are some of your problems, challenges, worries and fears when it comes to raising your Muslim children and or teenagers? So feel free to write in the chat box? What some of these problems child challenges worries and fears are?
Or you can say I'm not really worried at all I'm doing fine and I feel quite confident you're welcome to share that as well. But I do want to hear from you guys as a group. What are some of the the issues that are coming your way the fears that you might have about your child and their future? What are you worried about? What challenges are you facing? What problems are you having?
And I'll read some out Inshallah, but I won't say your name
doesn't want to let me see the chat box.
Okay, here we go.
So one sister says she's worried that she might not instill the deen properly. Yet. That's a very real worry. Another sister says I'm worried I'm not doing a good enough job of raising them the way as true means. Yep. So again, the Dean the worry for Dean. Yeah. What are the worries do you have as mothers to still good interest in learning the dean? Yeah, that's a definitely another worry.
What else are you worried about? What else are you facing in terms of challenges?
Another sister says, In this challenging time, we need our stars as continuous guidance to keep our children keep ours and our children's Eman fastened analysis that says fear of the dean in terms of keeping them safe from fit and like drugs and environment. Now this is this is my biggest problem is whatever I do doesn't seem to work that well at this stage.
Yeah. Wondering what to do how to do what is the most effective way of dealing with our kids.
Now the sister says, I want to ask how to bring balance between Dean and dunya and life in Western countries? That's a very good good question. Maybe we will have time to address that. I just did a talk the other day on being Muslim living in the West, so feel free to watch that Inshallah, if you have the ability. Now, the sister says she worries about everyday contact with the other community, the outside community, heedlessness is the biggest issue of us and our children. Mashallah. Very, very good and very relevant concerns, my dear sisters, and, you know, it's important that we understand that we are having some worries and concerns and some fears. And that's actually a good
sign that you are somewhat worried and concerned, it means that you care, it means that you want to try to do your best with your child, it means that you want to find prevention for future worries, you want to find solutions for existing worries. And this is what we want. We want parents to be actively involved in their journey of parenting and in addressing the needs of their children as their children grow and change. And obviously, at the base of all of that we want our children to have the deen we want them to be close to Allah subhanaw taala we want them to not turn or throw the Dean behind their backs. And for every parent, you know, this is one of our biggest fears. But the
problem with some of our fears that we might have in the worries we might have is that we project we put that energy of our fear onto our children, or we behave in a way because of the fear and worry which sometimes can become excessive. Sometimes we are not having enough Tawakkol in Allah subhanaw taala we are overly fearful and you know about our children's deen and then we sometimes can end up overwhelming them and or we behave in a way which is very emotionally charged, or we get very upset or very angry about things that we're worried or fearful about with our kids. And then that can also drive them away as well. Another sister says her concern is are we doing enough and how much is
enough Very good. Another sister said my youngest prays, but but not
she should be but not as much as she should be. I'm worried about her interest in prayer. She's 10 another sister says I want to overcome my shouting and screaming problem at my kids. That's a very common one. Please mention the basic things we need to care about everyday in raising our kids. Very good. Just like lacO sisters, thank you so much for sharing all those worries and challenges that you're facing. It's very personal. And please feel you're not alone. Many people, many sisters are struggling through these things and these fears and worries. And even myself many of the advices that I'm going to share with you today have come from a lot of the problems I experienced a lot of
the mistakes that I made, and a lot of the lessons that I have learned in my parenting journey. So inshallah I hope this helps you. I hope you
understand me teaching this session. I'm not the perfect mother myself. Far from it. And I have made lots of mistakes. panela my children are aged. I have five children aged between nearly five years old is my youngest and my eldest is turning eighteens on Allah soon. So I've done the whole childhood, puberty age, and then up till now to adulthood. It's been a line. It's been like a roller coaster. And I've learned
A lot the hard way. And this is why I try to teach and talk about it as much as I can, so that parents don't go through the same struggles that I had. And that last one Salah might accept from me, despite my shock shortcomings in being able to support other sisters with the parenting journeys and parenting challenges in sha Allah. So just be aware, sometimes, Sister Nazia, someone might accidentally write on the screen Feel free, I think you have a way you can rub that out. So it doesn't affect the view, inshallah. All right.
I'll do one last check of the chat box, and then we'll go on to our tips. One sister says, I'm worried that not showing good o'clock how to manage the temperature or anger, or jealousy, as I hear the Prophet salallahu Salam said, if your clock is good, I'll give you the guarantee of Jana. Another sister says, I want to raise my kids, unapologetically Muslim here in Australia. Another sister says, mine is screens, not just within our home, but also amongst peers. They play together, and every kid has a phone and an iPad. Yep. All of these are very relevant challenges. So we're not going to go going to go into the specific issue challenges facing young people growing up, we're
going to talk about us as mothers, as parents are challenges that we might face, how are we going to deal with it? What do we need to have developed within ourselves so that we parent in the best way possible, it's not so much about fixing the challenges, and addressing specific challenges in this session, it's tips on how you can deal with it better inshallah. Okay, so that's just to make sure that you guys know what we're aiming to get out of this session. So the first tip, sorry, it's a little bit of a lighthearted one a bit of a joke. Sleep while you can get asleep while you can in terms of if you still if your kids are still young. And they haven't yet entered the rollercoaster
of the you know, the teenage years, or some of them may be challenging ages that kids might go through. If your kids are sleeping at night, and they go to sleep at night in their home safely. Sleep while you can Shala a lot of parents of kids as they're getting older, they'll say, you know, we thought that we didn't have much sleep when they were babies. But now that they're teenagers, now you really lose your sleep because you're awake, worrying about them all the time, and not having answers to the struggles or the issues that they might have. So may Allah subhanaw taala protect all of you, all of us from sleepless nights worrying about our, our teenagers in particular. But while
your kids are young sleep while you can, they actually the beautiful golden years when they're small, and that they have much more simple or simplified needs from you, the needs become a whole lot more complex and compounded as they get older. And a lot of the time unfortunately, we're not prepared for that. But while they're young, you know, a lot of parents of older children, they'll say, you know, these are the best years when they're small like this, you know, might get frustrating and challenging and exhausting sometimes. But these are actually the best years. So appreciate the early years as much as you can rest and prepare yourself inshallah for the journey
ahead in those years.
Now, the next point is to be aware with your children, whatever they age, that there's always more behind their anger and their moods. You might have very moody young children. I know some people they say, you know, my child is only young, there's no puberty happening yet, but they're very moody, they get very angry at me you're angry at their siblings. And then again, in teenage years, some teenagers are extremely moody, and you see extreme anger and frustration. Know that the outer symptom, the out of behaviors, the mood swings, there's always more behind it, it's coming from another unexpressed emotion that needs to be dealt with. And how that is dealt with is dealt with
through you being patient and you connecting with them and not meeting their mood or their emotion or angry emotion negative emotion with that same so don't meet anger with anger, you know, don't meet frustration with more frustration, try to always neutralize their anger or their feelings of moodiness. So remember, there's always more behind the anger in their moods. They need someone to connect with them, they need someone to talk with them and you have to come down to their level, stay calm and and connect with them, John, the next tip is don't take things too personally. And this is especially as they get older, they start to develop different parts of their personality,
their rational lines where they start to challenge authority, or they start to question you about things when they used to perhaps listen without questioning now they might be questioning and challenging you and your rules and what you expect from them. They might say things to criticize you as a parent. They'll say you're not even this you're not that and you don't you know they might say the accusations and some you don't love me you don't
look after me,
you always get angry, they will, they'll say things to you, you're a bad mother. For some parents, if they're not ready for that, they take it extremely personally. And they become extremely devastated when the kids say these things, or when the kids do things or make mistakes. Just remember, however the child is behaving a lot of the time, it's not just about you in that moment. And it's not literally you are, if they say you're the worst mother, they don't actually mean that you're the worst mother, it doesn't mean you now have a certificate on on your wall saying you're the worst mother, if they say I hate you, doesn't mean they actually hate you, deep down, they love
you, okay, they love you deeply. But in that moment, they're just, you know, spouting these words to express their frustrated emotions. Try not to take it personally. If you take everything personally, and you become like a punching bag for whatever happens in the house or whatever verbal things get thrown around, it will take a toll on you. And it won't be very constructive and very helpful if you are upset and crying and broken down. Because you know, they've said or done something which has hurt your feelings. So just be prepared that they will at times.
Tip number four is remember, as they're growing older, especially
remember that there are hormones and brain development always going on. But in particular ages, there are spikes in the hormone levels there are, there is massive brain development going on in their different developmental stages. And as a parent, it's always good to know a little bit about this and be a little bit aware of it even in a minimal way, read some articles on brain development. Or if you if you love to read and study and study, get some books on the development of, you know, a child's brain, or the hormonal development at different ages and stages, when you can understand that there's some of that going on that there's biochemistry, that there's neural, you know,
pathways developing, their brains are changing, when you're able to recognize that when you see the bad behavior or silly behavior or the erratic behavior, you're able to recognize that
you're able to recognize that it's not just your child choosing to be trouble. Sometimes that it is just that they're not feeling good, or they're feeling like a roller coaster, or they didn't think out a decision very well, because they are in a developing stage. And we know, it's pretty much standard people say for girls, you know, when their hormones or right before their periods, they play up, they might get moody, they might get emotional. And likewise for boys boys have a lot of hormones going through them as well, we need to be aware of the impact of the hormones on our boys. And you know, it's interesting, and quite concerning that for boys. Now there, the testosterone
levels amongst modern day men is lower than it's ever been. So something is changing in the hormonal development of our, of our males and our men. And even amongst girls, the estrogen production, which results in their menstruation is starting earlier, the estrogen rise is starting earlier
than than previous generations as well. So we're seeing girls experience puberty a lot earlier. And we're seeing boys with lower levels of testosterone as they grow into manhood than ever. So just even those changes are like what's going on with that. And understanding brain development, the adolescent brain in particular goes through different phases of shedding where parts of the brain sheds any unused or unnecessary brain cells or shed as in, they are destroyed and removed by the body and new pathways. new cells are developing and connecting as they develop their adult brain. So that's why at times you'll see your teenager there'll be very absent minded. You'll say I told you
to do that. They'll say did you or you know they their memory is a little bit off. They sometimes seem a bit like dopey like you they're just standing around, you're like What are you doing? We we've got to do this, this this what you're just standing there with a blank look on your face. So there's their brain is struggling, you know, at different times and stages. So when you can understand that you have more empathy, instead of just getting angry. Like maybe your troubles are very smart, sharp child, very diligent, obedient, very settled, and then they reach puberty and you're like, where's your brain gone? What's wrong with you? Or they were very settled, you were
very close to them and then your daughter, she becomes very emotional at a certain stage and age and she's just crying and sad all the time. And you're like, what's going on? Remember that hormones and brain development have a role.
to play, but that's not to undermine, you know, emotional struggles as well as psychological struggles that they might be having. So just be aware of the, the biology behind the developing stages in their different different ages. Number five, is to be aware, they will go through phases. So what is phases, you know, as parents, sometimes the way your child is acting at a certain time, you think what's wrong with them, I can't live with them behaving or being like this, if they're going to be like this into adulthood, like, you know, spinal I don't want to have, you know, I can't believe this is my child, whatever it is that you're going through with your child,
in sha Allah by Allah, it's going to pass it will pass over time, it will never, you know, no phase will last forever, they're always changing and evolving, as is the human condition, we're always changing, growing and evolving, we're never staying exactly the same. And particularly in, you know, the, the journey of growth between childhood, adolescence and adulthood, there are many phases where they will go through things and they might be really happy and flourishing in school and doing well with their friends. And then they go through a phase where all of that comes crumbling down, and they're not doing well, or that they might have phases where they're, you know, very into the dean,
very diligent, and then you see, that starts to change, and they start to get into things that maybe other young people are into, or they start to, you know, be a little bit
more edgy or have more attitude, these are different phases that you see that will come up, but they will always pass and then another phase will come. So all you're doing and observing and experiencing with your child is the journey from phase to phase. And what we often hope and want is that we build our child to a certain stage, and we want them to just stay that way we want them to stay good, pure obedient, diligent, we want that obviously, every anybody in their right mind would want that. But that's not realistic, realistic mindset to have and awareness to have is to know that it's going to be ever changing, but inshallah you want them to grow from strength to strength, and
if they go through a hard patch, you hope that they will be resilient and become stronger and overcome that hard patch Inshallah, um, is anyone as soon as you able to like,
maybe wrap out the screen, so it doesn't have all these marks are hanging on
the old drawings again, that's better than that. All right.
The next tip is work on your own emotional and psychological health. This is very, very important, my dear sisters. And as one of the sisters mentioned, she wants to stop screaming, she wants to not be so angry. And obviously, you know, you don't want to be a very triggered person or a very depressed parent, or very angry parent or very emotionally erratic parent or an out of control parent, as much as you want what's good for your child, sometimes what will come through is your own emotional baggage, your own trauma, your own, how you were parented, when you were growing up might emerge in your means of parenting your child. And that might be something that you never wanted to
parent the way your parents raised you. Unfortunately, if you parent by default, it's not always the best form of parenting if you just do exactly what your parents did to you.
Sometimes people use the excuse, well, I came out fine, and my parents raised me like this. It's not fine. If it involves any type of harshness or cruelty or abuse or negativity, it's never okay. And it's a massive journey, to change the way that you have been shaped and molded. And often cases, your brain has been hardwired to behave and react in certain ways. And as much as we say, we want our child to be, you know, healthy and stable and you know, emotionally regulated, if we don't have that ourselves is not very likely that they will have that themselves because you will channel on that same pain and that same scarring onto your child if you don't work on yourself and remedy
yourself. So you need to work on your own emotional and psychological health. It is a very important responsibility that each and every one of us has. We can't live life raising our kids and having in our minds, I just want my child to be better than me. You need to be better than you like you need to be your best version of yourself. If you want your child to have you know, an amazing life, inshallah fulfilling their own potential you also must feel fulfill your own potential. And that means addressing any emotional and psychological struggles that you have. And it's about being really honest with yourself as well. Knowing that you know what? I yell at my kids a lot. I think I
do have a temper problem. I have an anger management problem. Or you might say some parents might say like a
When my kids are naughty, I always want to smack them. And you need to ask yourself, Where's that coming from? Why do you want to physically harm your child just because they don't obey you straight away? Or maybe they might not listen? Or maybe they might be misbehaving, why does that then require you to take, use physical harm, physical force to discipline your child. So, you know, there's so much that we could talk about here, but it's a whole topic in and of itself, but it's very important sisters to work on your emotional psychological health, to seek out help to read books to develop yourself, to be very honest with yourself, and inshallah improve your own condition before you
expect the condition of your family, your children to improve. Number seven is Be firm, but flexible. So be firm, as in be a parent who says what they mean and means what they say that you have, you know, obviously expectations that you have morals that you have principles that you want to live by, that you expect your house and your children should live by, at the same time, balance that out with the drama, of being able to be flexible, that sometimes the set rules and the set structure and routines that you might have, sometimes you can relax it a bit, sometimes change it up a bit. Sometimes if they say I'm feeling tired, Mum, like I don't, I can't do that I want to do that
today, doesn't mean you're a bad parent, or they're a bad child. If you decide to you know, reschedule something to it or skip something. So be firm, with what needs to be firm with and unbreakable and unshakable in, for example, respect, there must always be respect in the house, but be flexible in the way that, that you have some understanding and some empathy, that each person is going to go through their own struggles or their own state of butter, you know, here's how I feel. So sometimes you need to lean towards being a bit more flexible, as opposed to just being too strict and too stringent. So firmness is very important because children, young people, teenagers, they
need to know the boundaries, they need to know exactly where they shouldn't shouldn't cross, when it comes to their behavior, or their discipline, or the things that they do have their studies or their chores, or with how they speak to each other how they speak to you. The treatment in the house, the dean, I need to know very clearly, what are the what are the deal breakers? And what are the things that we don't compromise? And what are the things that we can be flexible in so that actually needs to be communicated to your kids. Another one, which is probably challenging for a lot of parents, or a lot of people from different cultural backgrounds is keep up with youth culture and trends. I'm
not saying you have to know everything that they know, or have all the apps and know you know all the youth culture, I just mean be aware as much as you can, what it is that they're watching what it is that they think is cool, what it is that their friends are doing and think is cool. The shows that they're watching, like chicken and you watch it yourself to see what messages are they going to going to be extracting from that show that they love to watch or the books that they love to read. When they say or something cool is happening with a you know, a lot of kids at school that your child comes home saying, oh, everyone's doing this, and everyone's saying that, find out what that
is and understand it. So keep up with it so that you're not in the dark, absolutely separate and not knowing about what's going on in your child's life. And
as much as we'll never be cool enough for our kids, there is a part of them that they do want their parents to know a little bit about what goes on in their world so they can talk to you about it. So they can share it with you or they can discuss things with you. If they feel like their parents are so on a different planet and have no clue about what's going on with youth or young people or what's cool at school or you know, with their friends. If they feel like you don't know anything, they'll just be in their own world. And that's what you don't want as they get older. But they have a separate world to your world separate worlds to the family life. You want the worlds to be
intertwined. So you know what goes on with them. What's everyone doing that everyone thinks is cool, but is maybe not healthy or not safe? Or what is it that everyone's watching that's trending. That's something really silly and like a bad influence that then come and talk to you and show you so that you're not totally out of the loop.
Number nine is don't be little or under estimate their emotions. So when they are very angry, very sad.
Very feeling very lonely. If they're saying things like that. They're saying they're bored. If they're saying they're so annoyed, they just walk past you or nothing's happened. They're like, I'm so frustrated. I'm so annoyed. Or you see them and you just say one word to them or you look at them wherever you've been. You've been in your room all day. Then they start crying. These little things that you see and you notice of their emotions. Number one, don't belittle them. So
Don't tease it, don't say get over it. Don't say what's wrong with you, you cry baby, or, you know, don't be little don't crush and tease the emotions that they're showing. And don't underestimate it. What does underestimate mean? It means don't think that there might be a big thing underneath that, okay? Sometimes it's not a big thing, sometimes they're just feeling emotional, and they're just feeling sensitive, sometimes it will be the case. And other times, it could be something very big underneath the surface that they're going through, that they need support in. So always just be attentive. You know, if they don't see my case, or you know, notice you're not okay, do you want to
talk to me about it? And often, they're gonna say, No, I don't want to talk about it, right? You have to use other strategies and tactics to, you know, earn their trust for them to want to open up with you. So just never underestimate the emotions, they are human beings, they have hearts which are sensitive, and just as much as you know, to them as the man of the little physical, fragile body when they were born. Likewise, their hearts are always going to be fragile throughout their whole lives with you as their parent, even if they're 4050 years old, and you're 7080 years old. Still, what you say to them can damage their hearts on a lie. It's a lifelong Amana, that we have in our
children, not just their physical bodies, but their emotions as well. So just as much as even you want to instill the deen and make sure they're practicing deen and doing the Quran and their Salah and they schoolwork and all of those things. Don't forget there's an emotional human being there. Who, who, yes, you can keep their spirituality alive. But don't forget that their emotions also need attention. And their emotions need validation as well who they are, what they're feeling should be just as important as their spiritual state how their spiritual state is going. Also check in with how the emotions are going. Because they're if their emotions aren't good, but you've got all their
Deen they know their Deen they get through everything they do, as they told they're obedient to in their stomach regard. If their emotions aren't good, the emotional issues are going to undermine and start to crumble away at their dean. So remember that human beings are not just spiritual, we are also emotional. We are also intellectual. We are also a physical body. So we have different facets of our being that need to be we need to be aware of
this one. So don't be a helicopter or a lawnmower.
Don't be a helicopter or a lawnmower. What is this is to give us a helicopter Ilana, what is the helicopter do? helicopters fly overhead. Right? When a helicopter is up there, you know, it's always up there, you hear up there, you feel up there, the wind is blowing down, it's breathing down your neck. It's loud, it's overwhelming. It's always in your business looking over what you're doing. Okay, when you raise your kids, you can't think that it's going to
help your child in the long run. If you're a helicopter, parent, everything they do everything they say everywhere they go, every every breath they take, you're right there, that's not good for you. Number one. And it's not healthy for your child in the long run, because it's not going to give them the autonomy or the the ability to feel like you trust them. Or it's not going to allow them to build independence, resilience, strength and leadership skills, because you are there taking care of everything watching everything all the time. And the other type is don't be a lawn mower. What does a lawn mower do, it runs over the grass, a lawn mower lawn mower style of parenting is you just ball
over whatever they're saying whatever they want. It's all disregarded. Because you're the boss, you're the parent, you're in charge. You can't you can only do that for so long you, you could probably get away with that maybe first 567 years of their life. But as they get older, if you've parent with that style, it's really going to impact your relationship with them. And it's going to impact them psychologically as well. They need to be able to make their own choices. Sometimes they might make the wrong choices, but they need to learn to exercise free will. Allah subhanaw taala create us all with free will. And once we reach the age of puberty, we are then accountable for the
choices we make based on that free will. So when you are too much over your child or making all the decisions for them, not giving them any choice, any leadership, any autonomy to practice making good choices. When it comes time to make important choices in their adolescent years, they won't know how to be very frightened of the world or they'll be very weak with peer pressure. They'll do what everyone else tells them to do because they grew up with their mom and dad constantly telling them everything of what to do. So give some space you want to as they get older parent as you know, as a mentor and advisor next to them as opposed to over over the top of them. So I know that's a
hard one, because you actually have to adjust to that from once you are there everything. You know, at one stage you can do. You get to dictate their life, you get to plan their entire day. And then as they grow up, you have to ease back, you have to take a step back or a step to the side and let them start to lead their life. Knowing that you're still always there, but that you trust them to slowly make those decisions and make those right decisions and practice their Taqwa put their Taqwa into practice, they can't put Taqwa into practice, and make the decisions based on Allah subhanaw taala. Watching them when you they are their brain just thinks you're watching them all the time,
they won't connect them with Allah subhanaw taala, because they're fearing you more than Allah subhanaw taala. So just remember that there has to be a balance there.
Number 11. Always ask for respect at the end of the day, what they choose or don't choose the mistakes that they make the rebellion, the sometimes haram things they might fall into, that you're shocked with,
you know, the things that you might clash on within your home, always remember that you expect that the relationships that you have with them or within your home within your family, they should always be respectful. Respect should be like the baseline. You know, and
this is part of the flock for us as Muslims, that we might not be perfect believers. But we want to be always respectful to each other, and have good adult and o'clock with with one another. So that even if we disagree, that we still show respect within that disagreement.
this is important to know that in a respect is reciprocal. You yell at your child respect Me Talk to me respectfully, but you're yelling in their face, they're not going to respect you. Because the way that you're asking for respect is not respectful. So remember, respect is something which has to be in order to for it to be given, it has to be received. It's a two way street. So if you want your child to respect you make sure that you are always conducting yourself in a respectful way. And make sure that it's always accurate in your house guys, that's not respectful behavior. Please speak respectfully. When they ask something, please ask respectfully. She gave that to you show respect
that, you know, he or she gave that to you. So always remember this part that, you know, part of practicing are Sunni Islam, a big part of it is that o'clock, the character in the manners. Number 12, is watch your words. And this is so hard. This is very hard. Because the things that we will utter as parents often we are running on autopilot. Often we are not even thinking before we speak. Often we are saying things that our parents used to say to us, sometimes we say things and we don't realize the implications of it in terms of how that affects our child psychologically and emotionally. Words have a lot of weight and a lot of power. And children you know can really
internalize what their parents say to them, especially the repetitiveness if you're on on if you always say to them, you're always forgetful, you're always forgetful, you're always forgetful, what becomes their self talk, I always forget everything. Or you always yell at them. You so silly, you're so stupid, or these types of negative put down? What did they say when you're not around? I'm so stupid. I'm so silly.
This becomes the echo of their identity, what their parents say to them. So always watch your words, and you know, they say taste your words before you, you make someone else taste them. So you know, are your words sweet? Are they beneficial? Are they meaningful, if they're not, it's better to be silent. Rather, you give your child silent treatment than to say negative things. But I also don't encourage silent treatment either. That is also a type of is a type of emotional violence as well to ignore someone.
So watch your words, choose your words carefully, speak as little as possible rather than too much when you're trying to get a message across. But always be very, very careful about what you say to your child. They do take it to heart. And they do take it very seriously. And they do take you literally they do believe what you say. An example of watching your words is we can often as mothers exaggerate, we might say no one helps me in this house. You know that? The kids do help sometimes or maybe mostly they do help and the one time they don't help we start to send our no one helps me in this house. Then all the children hear that and they all go to their rooms and they say mom thinks
we don't help her. Next time. She wants me to help. I'm not going to bother helping her because she says we don't help her anyway. So we can exaggerate and we can blow things out of proportion and again, comes down to our emotional psychological regulation. We got to look after ourselves before we expect our
children to behave better than us. Number 13. Very important never, ever, ever compare your child, to another child, to someone else's child, to your other children, you know, to their siblings very, very dangerous, very, very bad idea. It destroys their self esteem. It makes them hate themselves, also makes them hate you. It makes them hate who you're comparing them to. And I'm saying hate but I mean, like severely dislike, it will create negative
emotion negative thoughts negative
feel feelings towards that, that person and you and themselves panel, it's very destructive, to compare them to someone else. They are growing and becoming their own person. And they're actually asking you in the world, am I? Am I enough as I am? Am I worthy as I am the second year, lots of words of comparison, you basically said to them, that person's better than you in this way, in that way, in this way, in that way. And you're not worth as much as that person because I'm comparing you to them. They are the measure of how you should be and how you are is not enough. So it's very, very destructive sisters, don't compare them to your sister's kids or your brother's kids or your
friends. Kids never say why can't you be like him? Why can't you be like her? They, they hate that. Just as much as imagine you as a woman, your husband compares you to another woman? It's like that. It's like saying, Are you saying I'm not enough? You know, why don't you go and be with that woman, then if she's better than me? Why are you wasting time with me? And that's what the kids think to you? If I'm not good enough? Why don't you go and be their parent, then why are you why? Why are you wasting time and it creates a very negative dynamic between you and your child.
Just be careful of microphone sisters. Number 14 is trust goes both ways. So we want to make sure that as much as every parent says, I just want my child to trust me and tell me everything and let me in their world, everyone wants their child to trust them, right. But they will only trust you if it feels safe to trust you. And if you are trustworthy, just as much as you want them to open up to you and tell you things doesn't mean you open up and tell them everything about your world, you know, the adult world. But you have to be trustworthy, and you have to be a safe person. As in, when they open up to you. You don't flip out, you don't get very, extremely upset that when they trust
you and tell you something they don't get,
you know, then, you know, they've just opened up to you about something that they did. And they're trying to make it right. And then you go that's the I'm going to tell your father and he's going to hit you when he gets home and these types of things that's going to destroy the trust and teach them that they can't trust you. And even little things, you know, when they do something naughty. And you know, I've done this in the past, they've done something to misbehave. And then what do you do, you go and tell one of your, you know, your family members to know what he did the other day or you know, she did damage to this. And you say either in front of them. Or then you're you or then you
say look at what your auntie thinks about what you did. Or your you know, whoever you told accidentally then goes to them and says, I heard what you did. All of that breaks your child's trust, they look to you and they say you're supposed to cover my faults, I told you that to protect me, I told you that to give me advice. And it just makes them feel like I can never turn to you with this information again. And then you've got to start from square one and re earn that trust. So it's a very delicate, very sensitive dynamic with our kids, as you guys can see is panel number 15. Sometimes they will make a big deal out of little things. Sometimes there'll be something which you
see a very small issue. And they will get very upset. And they will have some kind of outbursts or some kind of breakdown or there'll be a big fight about it amongst the siblings fighting over maybe like a pin. And then World War Three came to your home because they're fighting over a pin one of them snatched a pin from the other something silly. Sometimes they will make a big deal out of little things. Be prepared for it. Let kids have their drama. Sometimes you just have to be quiet, let the drama unfold. You don't have to fix everything. You don't have to discipline the whole situation. You don't have to be the peacemaker every time. You don't have to sue things every time
sometimes there just needs to be some space for a little bit of an outburst and then it goes away. It doesn't need to turn into like a big conflict doesn't need to be always shut down. So just be aware of that something's you know, okay. You know, my child needs time my child needs attention. My child needs support right now. And sometimes it's like okay, there's some drama happening or there's a tantrum, let it run its course, inshallah we'll be okay and get back on track.
Number 16 is hold
Hold him or her accountable. So when they do the wrong thing, as small as it might be, you have to hold them accountable for it, you have to question and why did you do that?
Or if they are too young to know why they did it, to explain that what you did was wrong and and just, nothing's gonna happen, you know, I'm not going to hit you or anything and there's not going to be disciplinary consequence. But I'm going to tell you that what you did was wrong. And sometimes that is very, very powerful for a child in shaping and molding them to make better decisions in the future. You have to hold them accountable because it's training them for their ultimate accountability, once they enter adulthood, they will answer to Allah subhanaw taala in the athlete or for the decisions that they make, and they need to learn accountability because at school, you're
accountable to your teacher and you know, for your studies, at work, you're accountable to your boss, as a citizen, you're accountable to your society, and where you live, in terms of being a constructive contributing member of society. So hold, holding your child accountable, trains them for responsibility, trains them to be, you know, answerable and to stand on their own to be independent to be
someone who takes the accepts and is aware of the consequences of their actions and their decisions. So even if it is that your kids they do fight or bake or you hear that they say something which is not respectful to their sibling, never let it just go hold them accountable or tell them you know, one comes, they caught me stupid so you tell them go get your brother or your sister make it that they have to come I heard that you said this and then they say yeah, I did I was angry or they did they make their excuses. You say Well, that's not acceptable, you know, allowed to speak like that. We don't speak like that in this family in this house. Again, being firm, and holding them
accountable. And you tell them you know what you said was wrong, and you've hurt your sister, your brother's heart, you need to go and apologize. So make them accountable for what they do. And I know it can get a bit much sometimes because maybe they're saying or doing these things repetitively, but inshallah over time they will learn like okay, I need to stop doing this thing now it's wrong. The main thing is is you not losing your call. So especially like uh you know said about you know, some things will be small things that or they'll make a big deal out of also you must make sure not to make a big deal out of it. Don't blow your lid and have your own adult tantrum because the kids are
fighting over you know small things. Just hold them accountable gather them together bring the energy down and tell them we can't behave like this I'm not going to allow them are going to accept us fighting nonstop about this this situation. Everyone go have some time to cool off or however you decide to deal with it. At number 17 kind of ties it all together avoid anger nagging defensiveness, sarcasm lecturing, the list could go on you probably looking at this list going oh my goodness. panela like there's a lot of work to do here. But you know, we need to try to avoid anger the prophets Allah Allah Islam in that hadith he repeated to them and Latta Bob, three times he said,
Don't become angry. You're commanded by the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam, as a very important point of advice, just don't get angry. And as a woman, you know, sometimes we define ourselves all women, we nag a lot. Don't be someone who nags their spouse or nags their kids and I know it's difficult, but no one is responsible for your emotional state or how you don't feel.
You feel you have complaints nagging about it incessantly that won't help. Having conversations, making requests, being again firm, about what you want what you need. That's fine, but don't nag about it constantly. Defensiveness, constant defensiveness, the child's misbehaving or the child's having issues with a child has complaints about you, and says, You don't spend enough time with me. Or you're always on your phone. Or they might say, you, you're always yelling at me. Or they might say to you, Mum, you're always grumpy. You don't play you don't you know, you don't have fun with me. If you're defensive and saying, Don't you say that to me, I'm not like that. It's not going to
help listen to what they're saying. And I promise sisters, you know, a lot of the time a high percentage high chance most of the time, what they're saying in complaints to you has some truth in it. And I know that's a bitter pill to swallow. But there's some truth in it. What they see from you is an unfiltered view. They see you when you don't see yourself and so when they have complaints, listen to them, they have rights over you. They didn't ask to be here in this in this dunya you know, it was your choice in your decision your actions which led to them being your child, and of course the color of Allah subhanaw taala so when they have a complaint and what they're saying you
don't spend enough time with them, listen to them and make the changes. Sarcasm so too much joking is not good. can hurt their feelings and lecturing. No
We all think that if we lecture our children for 2030 4050 minutes, one hour, that it's going to correct their nature or correct them their behavior. Often it doesn't work, especially if it's lecturing for any more than a couple of minutes on all that they start to just numb out. It's that whole, you're talking and all they hear is blah, blah, blah, blah. That's all they can hear. And I think, you know, we can all be guilty of that sometimes. And maybe that's what happens in some of our marriages, too is Pamela, we lecture lecture, we nag we talk too much, and then we're not really hearing each other. So let the speech be decisive, let it be inshallah effective, let it be not
emotionally charged speech and let it be for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala, what we choose to say and how we choose to say it. Number 18, is utilize support networks. Just as there is support out there, find good people, find local community groups, find parenting advice, parenting courses, parenting, coaching, workshops, whatever you can utilize them, if you feel you are struggling, if you know you're not doing your best, and you want to become better, then make the effort, reach out and get support, you'll do so much better if you're in a community of support than being on your own. So find support networks and tap into them in sha Allah.
Remember that your children need social outlets. And this is something which I see very commonly, a lot of parents say no friends, you know, outside of school, you don't need to see your friends. And they continue that until their children are well into their teenage years, late teen years, they just say you don't need to be with your friends, you don't need to have time alone with your friends, you don't need to have, you know, hangout times you don't need to be at their house, they don't need to be at our house, us don't need to go out together somewhere to do something fun. But it's a developmental need, they need social outlets, and they need a social group. And if they don't
have that, it can really affect their emotional stability and their psychological stability, too. It's a natural progression, that at adolescence, the child now wants to know who they are, it's a part of their formation of their identity, that they want to know who they are outside of the family unit outside of the home. So they need to go gently into the world, to friends, to family, to community mentors to youth groups, and see who am I am I accepted in the world outside of my home. And this is what helps to build confidence and self esteem and then a well rounded sense of identity because part of our identities to know that we are part of a wider community. It's not just me and
my family, we have a bigger community. So you want to see and feel how do I fit in with that with that community? So remember, they do need social outlets. And I know that scares a lot of parents when they start to reach that age where they start to say, can I go to my friend's house? Can we go to the shops together? Can we go to the skate park together, and you get really nervous, but just know that they need it. And of course find a way to safely facilitate that they get that need met. Number 20. We've got one more after this. Number. 20 is be a role model.
A lot of the time we say to our kids don't be like me. But we shouldn't be saying that we should be saying to our kids be like me, I'm trying my best. I've improved so much in my life, I'm living, you know, as best I can in my health, in my Deen in my productivity in my work in my studies, and tell your kids like, you know, if you want to learn how to do this, I can teach you. If you want to be healthy I can teach you because I'm living healthy. If you want to study I'll show you, I'll tell you about what I did in my studies.
You know, you want to show your child that you can read Quran well, and you're not just putting them in Quran schools, and you're not even doing any Quran studies yourself. So be a role model live the quality of life that you want your child to live, when they grow into an adult, don't say I want my child to be better than me. Again, like what I said earlier, you be better than you, like you improve yourself first, and then show they'll take you as a role model because they'll see how applied you are to your life and to the quality of your life. So be a role model. And Inshallah, when they're older, when they become adults, they will when they ask who's your role model, you want
to be the person where they say, Well, my mom is my role model, or my father is my role model, and not some other person or some other stranger. Or if they say who do not want to be like and then they say I don't want to be like my mother or I don't want to be like my father, may Allah protect us, which sadly often the case and number 21 is be a friend and advisor. This is what you're graduating towards. We know the famous tradition where we, you know, nurture them and look after them for the first seven years, and then the next seven years, we teach them and train them. And then the next seven years from 14 and upwards, you befriend them. So remember that long term when
your child becomes a young adult and then a full adult and shallow over time. You are their friend and their advisor before
for that age is when your work is done and the training is done and preparing their character, their knowledge for the world. Once they reach 14 and up, now you just have to travel alongside them, you are their friend, their advisor, their mentor, as they make choices as they step in the right decision, as they step in the wrong decision, you're there to remind them gonna come this way, or you made a mistake, it's okay, let's get back up again. When you're struggling with something, it's okay, I'm here for you. We need to be that for our children, and not, you know, when they're in their teenage years, we think we can still yell at them and smack them and tell them you obey me.
Now I'm the parent. Like they like how used to parent when they were 567 years old. It's not going to work when they're 14 1516 years old. And as you guys probably know, Modern Times Can't we there's certain things that we can't do to our kids or treat our kids that our parents used to do with us that we think maybe that worked for us because our parents were like that, unfortunately, in this generation, if we do that, some kids will fight you back. Some kids will call the police it happens a lot.
Some kids will run away from home. Now last month, Allah protect us. So we have to be very careful and cautious as to how we trade.
And just to close. Remember sisters just listen to your children hear what they have to say they are the best parenting coaches you could get. If you want to improve as a parent, you don't always need to go to the experts and read famous books by doctors and whatnot. Sometimes we just say to your child, how can I be a better mother? And what do you need from me? And what are you struggling with? Or is there anything I do wrong? Listen to them and they will tell you the raw truth and if you do and you work on new improve the complaints that they have the feedback that they have what they want from you, if you act upon it, Inshallah, you will slowly become the best parent to them. Because
they expect a lot they will lead the way for how we should be as parents sometimes we think it's us, leading the way shaping them.
But sometimes it's them spawn Allah shaping us as human beings that our children can become the greatest catalyst for change for the better for us. The greatest sign of Allah upon our data in our lives, can be our children, the ones who call us to be closer to Allah's motherland to purify our hearts, and our souls can be our children. Even though at times, maybe sometimes they might misbehave, or they might challenge us on a lot.
So remember, when things go wrong, don't go with them. So when things start to go a bit crazy at different times, different phases, different stages in your child's journey of growing up or within your home, or you know, whatever the dynamic is, that is in your home and things are going wrong. And you're looking at it going as Pamela stuff is crumbling around me. Don't go with them, don't go wrong with them as they can. Now I'm going to have an explosion or now I'm going to resist this situation. Now I'm going to have a fight with this person, that person because of what they've done wrong. Don't go with them be like the one who neutralizes when things get unbalanced. You create
balance when things get heated, you call them down. When things get crazy, you make them sane. That is the amazing role of the amazing power we have within our homes to shape the energy and shape the direction of our homes, from being crazy chaotic, to connected and calm. Like last month, Allah allow all of our homes to be safe and calm and keep us all on the dean and mean. And remember motherhood has the greatest potential influence in human life. This is why Allah subhanaw taala places the mother at the top of the hierarchy scale in terms of respect and honor and value the mother three times and then the father. Why because the mother has the greatest potential influence
in human life. You have so much influence over your children by the sisters, and we have to be the best influence that we can be. And remember, it's never too late to change. It's never too late to undo the wrongs that you might have done. It's never too late to change the patterns that you have. It's never too late to say sorry for any errors that you've fallen into. It's never too late to repent to Allah smart Allah for maybe having the wrong idea about what your role was as a parent and committing you know, wrongs and injustice is based on that misunderstanding. It's never too late to change. And your children will love you all the more for it with if you can shall improve yourself
for the better. So see, this parenting tips is not about changing the child. It's about changing ourselves first, and then the child will change from that inshallah.
If you want a full comprehensive course which addresses specific challenges of Muslim teens, I think we cover seven challenges in this course it's called parenting Muslim teens which we ran a couple of
Months ago, it's available to purchase and get your subscription to on Thinkific. It's $41. Us. and my website is there. I'll send the link to sister Nazia, too for anyone who wants to tune in. It goes for three hours. And it covers all the different areas of what Muslim teens face today in challenges the Phaeton of modern times, and how can we help to navigate our Muslim teenagers through those different tests and those different temptations that our Muslim young people are facing, so I'll send the admin the link for this Inshallah, if she wants to share with any of you and reach out sisters get in touch. Feel free to find me on different social media platforms, you have my email,
you have my website. However, I can support you, I'll do whatever I can. Obviously my time is very limited. So I generally, you know, if people want one on one advice, you do have to make a booking with me for that otherwise my phone probably wouldn't stop all days panela but otherwise, feel free to tune into other types of content. We have
videos on YouTube, you can watch you can find us on social media, you can check out the website you can have a look at existing courses we have pre recorded or you can join us live when we're teaching at different places around Sydney, and different online platforms around the world in sha Allah. Does that glow higher on the sisters better calligraphy, guns, Hanukkah, Lahoma the Hamdi chronicle law Lahoma we handed gasher To Allah Allah in lantana soccer go to WWE like Inshallah, I'll have a look at the comments box and answer some questions in there now.