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Bilal Dannoun

Channel: Bilal Dannoun

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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around these the rules related to divorce in Sharla, she just put it up when I think society overall, we have now created ourselves into this world of having commitment issues. We don't like to commit to anything. You know, we don't commit to a phone contract. We don't We no longer have, you know, back in the day used to have a 24 month phone contract. Now it's like, if you want me on a contract, contract. So I think we're almost moving to a world now where everything, nothing is a lock in contract, even even employment. I like an employer today, I will work with him for a month and after I will change or change or change, again, 20 years, but they will never be the case, you

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take pride in the fact that you were committed to an employer for 1015 20 years.

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How do we come? How do you overcome that as exciting grain is in built into us now, in every walk of our lives that we don't like to commit? And all of our service providers around us, our Netflix and our stand and whatnot? Everyone has, oh, well, if you don't like us anymore, you can quit us this month, and it won't charge you for next month onwards. How do we overcome that for the for the youth of today, who are looking to get into marriages. I mean, we've got to understand that we're not we're talking marriage, here we're talking, we're not talking Netflix.

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Or, you know, this teleco. Company,

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you know, we're talking about something very, very serious that if you get this wrong, if you're not committed to this, if you get this wrong, this is going to impact your mental health, this is going to impact your work. This is going to impact your children, not only your children, but your future generation. And there's studies out there that talk about intergenerational trauma, ancestral trauma, right, as a result of these children growing up in, you know, in a two households or a toxic household. So you better get committed for your own good, you better get committed, you better tell yourself that this is a serious contract, Allah makes it a serious contract. Who were you to say

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that it's not a serious contract? Or to take it so lightly when Allah says, what I have them in common with alcohol, never a day that your wife have taken from you a covenant, a serious contract? Right? It must be taken seriously. Otherwise, you will feel the pinch of it. You know, don't look don't, you know, look at talk to those people who have been divorced for 10 years, you know, and who have got children or talk to those people. Yeah, who've been divorced, and how did it impact their productivity and their focus? You know, this could lead to depression, this could lead in you don't and especially, let's say you don't end up having the knowledge to deal with your depression. And

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then you decide to go on antidepressants that cause you the side effects and these other problems. You have to think long term. Don't compare a marriage contract to some fleeting financial contract, which doesn't really impact you know, your mental health or even your physical health. We've got to go in there with a more serious and you know, serious attitude. And how would you like it? How would you like to know that your future child your future, you know, child is being abused and neglected by your future son in law or daughter in law, you need to look at things I think change the lens. You better change it really really quickly before you feel the ramifications of having this attitude

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or this mindset.

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So I'm gonna read you a diff, a hurricane? Visual because I didn't think it

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was you said no, hadith is controversial because it is the prophets. Words in

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the it's narrated by even a best seller.

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And

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the Prophet said I was showing the Hellfire in the majority of the world is women who are ungrateful, right. It was asked today disbelieve in Allah, are they ungrateful to Allah, he replied, they're ungrateful to their husband, and ungrateful for the famous and the good done to them. If you have always been good to one of them, and she sees something in you, and you know, the keep saying, I've never received anything good from the right woman have a habit of saying that I think we've all experienced that in our marriage. You never do good. You've never. Right, that happens. Good enough, right? Do you think that is one of the biggest reasons why people get divorced? Because personally,

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you know, I think as men we always experience our partners say things like that. And it builds up, it builds up and then a woman will a man will have enough and just just just go off. Right? So when enough is enough, man, you're comparing me our marriage to other relationships. You keep saying I'm doing nothing for you. When a man does does brings a lot into a relationship, right? So do you think or in your experience do you feel like when a couple is divorcing topics like that pop up?

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Well, a female would say it was done nothing for me or things like that. Because it is, it's in a head that you thought you can't be wrong, right? Absolutely not. Absolutely. The prophesize setting doesn't speak from his own desire its way it's divine revelation. So Pamela, when it comes to relationships, it's it's not that you it's not it's not always in most often it's, it's not always that, you know, it's the cheating, that led to the divorce, or it's this particular action that led to divorce the to divorce a lot of the time, it's, it's what you are not doing in the relationship that's leading to divorce. Right. And hence, you may have heard of the saying, death by 1000 cuts,

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right? It wasn't the one, the one cut, okay, that that killed the person, but it was, it was several cuts. And in the case of in a by, by analogy of marriage, it wasn't the single thing that you did that lead to divorce, most of the time, it's a number of things, or it's the one thing that's just ongoingly happening again and again and again. Right. And the nature of a husband is he is wired to give, right? Men want to give, right? And they are the ones that are responsible for giving, in the case of the marriage, in terms of the financial giving, the sick giving of security, the giving of reminders for the sake of entering Jana and being protected and having baraka and the dunya. Right.

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But what comes with the giving, he wants on appreciation. Right? And the more you appreciate me as a husband, believe me the morning. Yes, gentlemen. Okay, have

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room to disagree.

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So, so, when we Subhanallah how it is, and, you know, we appreciate your man, any Subhanallah it really does wonders. And hence in this hadith, he's saying your kernel or sheer, you know that there is this ingratitude, you know, that you're not showing your gratitude. And, you know, gratitude, when you show a gratitude, your gratitude to a man, believe me when he wants to give more, he feels appreciated, and he feels acknowledged. And so for a man.

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Interestingly, when I talk about the love languages,

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too, with a lot of couples, and, and I asked couples when I'm doing the a lot of the pre marriage counseling, I asked them, What do you think his biggest need is? And a lot of the times, the woman would say that his biggest need is words of affirmation. Right? Big and funny enough, generally speaking, that is the case for most men, right? So she has really said, what is his fitrah what his his natural disposition as a man is, he wants appreciation. And through your appreciation, sister, he's going to give you more of your love language, which may be quality time, which is a big complaint by women, their husbands are always out and about, you know, and they're not spending time

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with them. So if you appreciated him more, and I've seen this, I've seen husband saying I don't want to spend time with her, because she's very critical. She doesn't appreciate me, she doesn't acknowledge me, you know, I do all of these things. Right? So, yes, you need to work with the nature of the men and likewise the nature of the woman. Now, there's two things that I want to say here. When it comes to relationships, two of the greatest contributors for a thriving marriage is love. Right and respect. All right. But when it comes to the husband, the husband wants more what do you guys think he wants more respectful of your spiritualist to see how see ladies, how are the guys

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here?

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Right. Now, let me ask you, gentlemen, because you're married or you've been married, what is a woman want more of generally speaking, respect to love? Right. Okay. So this is how it works. If you give your man respect now, respect is a big word. I think part of that respect is the appreciation. Right? That you appreciate your man for what he's bringing is working very, very hard to really, you know, make things happen for his household. He's going through a lot of struggle, a lot of stress. He's fighting a lot of battles, right? Yes, Sister, you are fighting battles at home with your children with your household and with the demanding husband, right? We get it but you both fight,

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you know, going through stuff. And you know, so if you respect your man, the way that he wants to be respected, he actually feels loved

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All right. And if you love now gentleman, if you love your woman, if you love your wife, you know the way that she wants to be loved, okay, she's gonna feel respected my man, he respects me, because he's listening to me, and he's doing the things that I love. So we need to be, you know, I guess in, in tuning into our basic needs as human beings, you know, of respect and love, but your gratitude is very, very important, brother, this is why you love them.

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So,

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explain.

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Watch that. And

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we didn't say, the love, beloved

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chef question about you know, in.

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In today's society, you know, society has shifted a lot, because in Western countries, right, where the the traditional household is long enough traditional household, it's changed a lot. You have,

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you know, traditionally yet husband whose primary role was to go and you know, source an income or living for the family and the wife stayed home and to bring the kids and it's, today, it's completely changed. You have men who are stay at home husband, you have women who go out there and work, you have many dual income households, you have a rising divorce rate, which means you have blended families now you have, you know, step kids and step parents and step, whatever, whatever. in and amongst all that from, from your experience. How is someone supposed to navigate all of that, because that's a lot to take in. There's a lot, and we haven't yet had enough case studies or enough

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of a history about how to make these new relationships work. So how does the new modern family navigate its way through all this?

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Once again, when we need to look at what is what's actually happening on the grounds, through, I guess, some evidence, if not all the evidence is there, but maybe anecdotal experiences, and just really learning from the people around us in what's really happening on the grounds with a lot of these modern ways of doing things, as opposed to the traditional way of doing things.

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And I think, you know, I feel that it's, it's, it's really

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create, it's really creating a lot of

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problems. The thing that you said that was interesting is that we then have enough data to substantiate

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this this reality.

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But I feel that in the future, we're going to, consequently see, because we're not following our roles as divinely communicated, we're gonna see increase in divorce, divorce rates, and to be honest with you, I'm, I'm feeling this a lot more now. With this generation, that is that is coming through.

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I am seeing I'm seeing it firsthand, the divorce rates increasing and the hastiness.

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You know,

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from from what we're seeing in this context.

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So that's sort of,

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you know, I can only say that, that we're seeing the forced rates on the rise.

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And, you know, forever, it wasn't a partnership. It wasn't, it was forever.

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It was forever, and it worked well, when it was a patriarchy. Right. When it was, you know, the wife plays her role. The husband is the leader, he's the Imam. And ultimately, he will,

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you know, make the final call as the leader, not a dictator. That doesn't mean it doesn't listen to his wife's opinions, right? But when we're going into this relationship as a partnership,

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and

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we're going in with that sort of mindset

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that goes against the Fatah that goes against the rolls. This is going to eventually crumble, it just can't stay like that it goes against you going against the grain in the way it was meant to be. So I would I would highly emphasize the importance of going back to the Quran and Sunnah and really learning about your your your role as communicated by Allah azza wa jal and through his prophet Muhammad Salim to ensure a more safe, a safer environment, for your relationship and for the future generation. It's a very loaded question you've asked me, you've really put me on the spot here.

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And I would probably need to even give it a bit more thought to give it justice.

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But I, I know, many months ago, I said, Oh my God, this generation is really going

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I keep me busy in the future. And I, and I know. And I know that from the counseling sessions that I get, and the divorces that I'm getting.

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So whereas once upon a time, I was surprised, you know, if I if I had someone come back for divorce. Now, it's not so much the fact that I've become desensitized. Not in not that I don't care. Alright, but But it's become the norm. There's something wrong there. I don't agree with that. I'm not comfortable with the fact that I am just now. Here's another one. Yeah, of course, I'm going to give it my best shot, I'm going to try my use every trick and tip and tool that I have to make it work. But it but it worries me that I that I, that I'm sort of ready for that. It really troubles me that I'm actually ready for increased divorces

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hard, do we get the message across them? Because as you saying, it's become such an issue now. It's in our society, with the youth, I think it's integral that we get the message across of having the understanding of what a marriage actually is? Well, that's, that's a very good question. And the way I've answered this question is through my marriage course, and how do we get access to that? Well,

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that just got a little fatter for the plug. So basically, by my my marriage courses at www Muslim marriage courses.com, or just Muslim marriage courses.com.

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So that course, is a very comprehensive course. I mean, we're talking about 17 hours of footage, of course, you're not we've done it in the modern way of having, you know, small chunks in a very palate palatable way we're addressing elephants in the room, right, is, of course, compulsory, before you marry somebody. So so this refused to sign the dotted line until, whereas show me the caution is if you're gonna have you graduated, Naomi, you've now graduated to earn the right to get married, I used to be the case in Malaysia, I don't know if it still is the case in Malaysia. But I know, in certain countries, you couldn't get married without having completed a pre Marriage Course.

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And that's one of the that was one of my inspiration, actually, that, that I got this idea for a pre Marriage Course, right, from these type of models, and I've done some research around it. And subhanAllah some of the research suggests that the level of marital satisfaction is increased by about 37%. Okay, by having done some sort of, you know, marriage course, before your marriage, imagine that now, when you start to think about that statistic, and you start to think about another statistic, for example, that says that when you have your child, okay, and if you don't have the knowledge on how to maintain a healthy marriage, your marital satisfaction is decreased by about

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36 37%. Right? So when you start to add all these numbers up, you can see where this is going. Whereby, you know,

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you know, people are couples finding themselves unhappily married later on, by not knowing how to navigate the marriage by having a child that's now interrupted this the two of you going from a dyad to a triad, and you know, this intruder that's coming, I mean, it's a cute intruder, but it's intruded you're, it's really throwing things out of alignment, right. So, so definitely, definitely, I would encourage me to answer your question,

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rather than Hamid. Reza is that,

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that the key is knowledge. And I think,

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you know, many people don't know that they don't know.

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You know, and I think,

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and I was one of them, you know, I had no idea why a woman reacts the way she reacts or, or what, you know, what they're more inclined to, or I'm one of those individuals who had no idea I didn't even know what I was doing what I was doing until I learned my first book that I picked up after studying Islamic Sharia, when it comes to, you know, the rights and obligations on marriage was men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. And that made me understand a lot about me and a lot about the opposite gender. And then I went and picked up another book that said, you know, why men don't listen, women can't read maps, I couldn't put up I couldn't put these books down and say, Oh, my

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God, like, I've got a lot of learning to, you know, to do about, you know,

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gender differences. And then you pick up books on psychology and human behavior. And then you go, Oh, my God, like, I have no idea about the importance of working with somebody's insecurities. And if they've been traumatized, and according to the research, you know, maybe 80% of people have been traumatized.

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as though they're sitting somewhere on the trauma spectrum, right? So these are very alarming, you know, statistics, right? So, so when I compiled the Marriage Course, I needed to keep in mind, the spiritual element, I had to keep in mind modern day research into relationships, and looking at love languages, and looking at, you know, personality types, looking at human needs and values, right. And then also looking at, you know,

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cultural elements. And then I had to integrate all of that into a course, to ensure we did justice to this course.

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Can you mandate this course, can celebrants a man's mandate, doing a marriage course before a marriage?

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Well, that's going to come from a higher authority. And until the higher authority, you know, you know, puts down, you know, you know, smashes that hammer and say, yep, it's now low. It's very, very challenging to navigate. But one of the things that I'm doing is I'm actually partnering up with Imams, and partnering up with different organizations. And I'm saying, hey, when you before you do a marriage, or after you do a marriage, Can I request from you to recommend this marriage course, and I want it to be a win win win, I want you to win from this as an Imam, and I want inshallah the the viewers to win. And I actually interact with the people who have who are purchasing or basically

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signing up for this course. And actually check in with them, how's it going? What's the feedback, and it's amazing, which parts of the course resonate with different people in here I am thinking is going to be the love languages, you know, they're going to love that. And it turns out to be some Hadith about

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about that you say, you know, in the morning in the evening that's going to protect your marriage, or it's, it's, you know,

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or it's the personality type questionnaire that they did. And we have quizzes in the course, and we have,

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you know, so many different parts to it. But um, subhanAllah, I honestly, honestly, cannot stress the enough the importance of knowledge. I mean, we're doing a look, I mean, we do it, you know, before we drive, we have to learn, before we get a career, we have to learn. Before you get a boat license, you have to learn. I mean, even a fishing license you need right, you need to do some reading courses before they give you. Yeah, yeah. But you know, you do the whole parenting course, the, you know, before delivery of baby prenatal, prenatal, that's where it is, you know, but Subhanallah like, really? Like, what about marriage? You know, you know, I, I've mentioned this

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before, but I just love mentioning this study, the 75 year Harvard study, and if you guys have come across it, but it's a 75 year Harvard study of about 730 Men, right what they did, many, many years ago, Harvard got together said, Hey, we want to track the lives of these men, they come from different walks of life. And in the future, we'd love to see what you know, what was it that distinguish the successful ones from the ones who didn't make it, who went to jail who was on drugs who were miserable, so fast tracking the they would study the lives of these men, every single year, year after year, they would look at all their records, their medical records, they would interview

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their spouse, they would interview them. And at the end of this study, and it's still going, by the way, they said there was one resounding message, right, that that stood out that made those men who were successful, successful. And this was the message. And this message is so profound, that I actually wrote it on my office window. And this is a good relationship keeps you happier and healthier, full stop.

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That the quality of your relationships determined to a large extent, the quality of the life that you are going to have. So what does that mean? That means if you're in a if you were in toxic relationships, you most likely probably were going to be angry, doing some really silly and stupid things that will probably end you up in jail or in or make you end up on drugs to forget, right? So you can just see where this is going. When you're not in healthy relationships, you're going to do things that are going to cause harm to yourself or harm to others. And hence you don't become the successful person that you want to be an issue that I've seen, and if you guys can relate to this as

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well, is that

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when it comes to a marriage, it's meant to be a marriage right? between a husband and a wife. And what happens is if you get an issue or something happens, your wife or the husband will go have a chat to his friend

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So her friends about this issue, and those friends might not have the same sort of knowledge that you spoke about in regards to marriage, give their opinions and in the execute exactly leave the guy. Yeah, that's the response from the female friends, even guilt. Yeah, that. And that's what I've seen, like, I've seen so many people that are in a relationship with or in a marriage that have some sort of small issue or something the female will go to do to one of their friends. And the response group is I'll just leave you and she's usually Single,

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single friends, I'll just leave him and most ones have.

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And that's what I've seen, I think that's a major issue where, where everyone has an opinion, and you're seeking the opinions of people that might not be qualified to give you those answers. And you taking those opinions, as if this is not the gospel truth of what I need to be doing with, with my marriage. And it could be that the people that you're turning to their reference points is their parents who are in a toxic marriage, their Auntie or uncle or a friend, one has a toxic marriage and what they did. So that's very, very dangerous, very dangerous to not get the right advice from the right people. I mean, we do it. I mean, you wouldn't just go to anybody, if you had a medical

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condition, right? You wouldn't just take your vehicle that has some problems or making some noise to, you know, to anybody, you take it to the expert, right. And I think, you know, I know speaking to and counseling, you know, many individuals,

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and getting them to sort of think outside the box, and getting them to think differently and say, Hey, why does it have to be this way.

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And it's because of a story that they have, you know, told themselves, or a reference point that they're focusing on.

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So I guess you know, that this is a very valid point that you've made, that could be also contributing to divorce, if you're seeking the advice from the wrong people. And

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you know, that that could be very, very detrimental towards your relationship and towards any children that you have from this relationship. And it's a, again, don't ask, you know, don't ask the person who was recently divorced, okay. But ask a person maybe, who was who's been divorced for 10 for 10 years plus, and ask them and say, Hey, was it really worth it? What would you have done differently? You know, going to somebody maybe who's bit more mature, who's matured? Who has the experience?

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You know, yet? No, that's not to say that. I mean, divorce is not a problem. Yes, it is, because it is disliked, but it's also a solution to a problem.

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Right? We have to understand that, that I'm not against divorce, but I'm against divorce. If you haven't gone through the process, the right process, you seek out the advice and the counsel of the right people, and then you making that decision that could I mean, you could have made the right decision. But then again, you may not have made the right decision. Okay. And that's why it's important to things once again, is the harder prey, the two the two units of prey and then the two out that you make, to ask a lot to guide you to guide you to what is best and asking is to shadow which is consultation and asking the right people, right to ensure that you make the right decision.

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Right. And going back to this notion of don't make a permanent decision from a temporary situation, right? And first, Allah Vickery as Allah azza wa jal says, First Allah decree In Kuntum letter Allah Moon as the people of knowledge, if you do not know, right,

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so that's, that's a very, very, it's very sad, you know, to hear that, that you know, this hasty decisions are being made by not consulting the right people. She doesn't know anyone to resolve saying like a lot of female go to divorce people in their single friends for advice. What guys do now is they watch Andrew take videos, do you know entertain? Yes, everyone wants it boys love his videos. It's cancer now, and he's a Muslim Now, I don't know. But ever since he became Muslim Muslims love the guy apparently. But um, he's, I think he's a bit sexist towards females and Islam, this masculine journey of giing up guys and whatnot. And a lot of things he says, are valid and a

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lot of things he says are ridiculous, right, but a lot of people in the community in the Muslim community as well as saying you resonate with Islam, what he's saying how a man should be in a relationship. I'm sure you've seen some of the things he says Do you have any couple of words you could share about people that worship this guy right now? Well, the hey look, worship is for Allah azza wa jal and and of course, you know,

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I don't I don't I haven't really I've heard of him. I know there's a lot of buzz around him. I don't, I can't say that I've maybe seen it. I've seen maybe snippets. I can't say I've I've listened to his talks.

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But again, we need to ensure that anything he says is in alignment with the Quran and the Sunnah. We need to always have a filter with us, that will be able to basically say that this is not this, it goes against the Quran. This goes against our sunnah of our Prophet SAW Salem. I think Muslims need to be very, very careful because you could be agreeing with something that goes against Islamic values in Islamic law. That's very, very dangerous. Okay. So again, if you're going to listen to somebody like this, and may Allah subhanaw taala, increase him in authentic knowledge and may Allah subhanaw taala guide him to what is true, what is true, what is the truth? Okay, and May Allah guide

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him to retract anything that he said that goes against the teachings of Islam? All right, we have to be very, very careful when we're talking about religion you're talking about, this is the faith of Allah azza wa jal, and we need to be careful not to be saying anything that goes against the pristine, perfect teachings of Allah azza wa jal. So maybe you always have, if you before you want to go and promote any of his talks and say something that resonates with you as a male or you as a female.

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Make sure before you spread it that you've that you've verified it, that it is authentic, that it is in alignment with the Quran and the Sunnah. Before we wrap things up in questions, I've got one last one. And this one that people asked me about, I'm sure they ask you about this as well, many others, the notion of marrying revert, you know, people talk about statistics of you know, marriage is not not, you know, lasting for too long or whatnot, it seems to be the case that these revert marriages have even less of a probability of success. That's what seems to be the case.

00:32:03--> 00:32:15

What's your advice to people who are, you know, in the process of marrying robots are looking to do that are moving away from marrying within their own culture within their own community, and venturing out in that direction? What do you have to say about that.

00:32:17--> 00:32:23

So if we talk about reverts in terms of the husband, like the male male reverts,

00:32:24--> 00:32:39

that's something you have to be very mindful of that the that he's actually genuine about Islam, especially that he's going to be ended up being the head of the house, the leader of the House, as Allah has legislated this role for him. And

00:32:40--> 00:32:49

especially that down the track, if you discover that he's not genuine about his Islam, then your marriage is invalid. So I had a case recently, where,

00:32:51--> 00:33:07

you know, the sister reached out to me with her husband, and it turns out that he was never really genuine about Islam. And this is now years down the track. And, and, and this is emotional, you know, connection, and investment.

00:33:09--> 00:33:53

And subhanAllah we're now trying to salvage this relationship and getting him to understand the beauty of Islam, and how Islam is the real deal and how it's a good religion is the religion of Allah azza wa jal, right. So there's that side of things, make sure that if you're going to marry a man, that's a revert, that he's actually genuine about his Islam. Otherwise, it can be very, very problematic. I mean, even in some of the best case scenarios. Now, I've seen, I know of a case where more than one case, several cases where women embraced Islam, and they were even quite genuine, genuine about Islam, but they probably never had a strong foundation. And their parents were in

00:33:53--> 00:34:41

their ears, and against Islam, And subhanAllah they decide to apostate or turn their backs on Islam, and hence down, the marriage dissolves. And there's children involved, and court cases, and hundreds and 1000s of dollars spent on trying to gain custody. So I think when it comes to that side of Islam and reverts be very, very careful to make sure that the Revert has done the work that and you give it some time to ensure that they have genuinely embraced Islam, and they really are walking the walk when it comes to their wisdom. So there's that side of things, then we now let's say that we're beyond that, and we're going to go into now the cultural elements of this. So yes, in culture does

00:34:41--> 00:34:59

play a role and you know, you as a DESE, you as an Arab, okay, you as an Asian, you've seen your parents and your aunts and uncles do things in a certain way. Okay, socialize in a certain way.

00:35:00--> 00:35:25

If cooking is done in a certain way, now you come in, and you and you expect that from maybe your spouse, because you think it's just a walk in the park and you can just tell them, hey, just, you know, cook some biryani for me, right? Or some, you know, Moncef if, you know, whatever, whatever you're into, or your Cabul area if you're, if you're Afghan, and there's all different versions of the, of the, you know, that rice dish, right?

00:35:26--> 00:36:04

And it doesn't, it doesn't pan out that way. And you get disappointed. And, or you, you know, you come from a Turkish family. And one thing and the second about can say about the Turkish Valley is that they keep they maintain really beautiful, clean, hygienic homes, right? Correct me if I'm wrong, right, Turks are really big on that. That's not to say other cultures aren't. But they're very, very big on that. I know when I'm in a Turkish home, right. And I love the experience. I mean, you know, I love many experiences, but but imagine like now, this Turkish brother, who's now marrying, say, a woman who comes from a culture that doesn't value that, that that don't emphasize

00:36:04--> 00:36:38

on that. And then he's gonna be thinking, Oh, my God, that's not how mom did it. That's not how we did things at home. And so there's us there's, there's a cultural clash there, right? Are you ready for that? I've even discussed that to you. And that's, and really what it comes down to, you know, when we're talking about divorce before, and I've got a list of many different divorce reasons, or I've got about 15 reasons why people end up in divorce. But if I had to put a heading on all of those headings, it would be one heading made of two words, and that is failed expectations.

00:36:39--> 00:37:26

That even if you say abuse, family interference, financial issues, intimacy issues, they all failed expectations, I expected you not to abuse me, I expected to that there's our intimate intimacy is going to be like this. I expected that you spend on on on this and that as well. So there's expectations, right? So very, very important. I talked about this in the marriage course, that it's very, very important that couples from the get go talk about their expectations, they unpack their expectations, right? Because at the end of the day, you are going to be married to three people. Right? You're going to be married to the person who you wish they are. You wishful thinking, I wish

00:37:26--> 00:37:38

that my partner is going to be like this and like that, and doing this and doing things like that. Right? We all come in with expectations, right? This the person who they really are. That's the reality. Right? We said that was very sad.

00:37:43--> 00:38:22

You know, I mean, you know, I know I felt my wife in certain areas, and she expected me to show up in certain areas. That just wasn't my thing. Right? With a lookbook. Man, look, you know, I'm a human being at the end of the day, we've all got our human side to us, right? You know, even like, look, look, look at that before I I'm gonna go off on a tangent, but I'll come back to the third one remind me at the time of the Prophet SAW Selim, when he came to his daughter's house, Fatima. And he didn't find Alia at the Allahu Anhu. There. She said, he said, Where's Ali? And she says to him, Oh, we had a fallout. Right? And he's gone. And you know, he's sent the messenger to find out. Where's

00:38:22--> 00:39:04

it you know, and they found him in the masjid is his you know, his head is resting on the on the earth on the dust, and he's all dusty. And then, you know, he goes and finds him and he Casey says, he says to me, and I get up a buturo up, get up, have a father of gusto, father of the dust because it's so dusty, right? And get up and you know, and when we read the Hadith, we don't see that the prophesy Selim is going into, what did you do to him? What do you say to him? Do you know who that is? You know, or we don't see. We didn't hear about Elisa, do you know who I am? You know, I'm the cousin of the prophesy seller, right? How dare you speak to me like this. You know, it doesn't work

00:39:04--> 00:39:07

that way. We're all human beings, we have a human side to us, right?

00:39:08--> 00:39:32

And we need to understand that there is who we really are. At the end. We are human beings. We are not infallible. We do make mistakes. We do have a different view of the world, and different lens, we have different genders. But coming back to the third person, the third person is who you end up becoming as a spouse because you're married to your partner.

00:39:33--> 00:39:40

Do you not gentlemen, do you not agree that you're somewhat different? Post marriage because of your wife?

00:39:41--> 00:39:44

Hamdulillah. I thought it was me, man.

00:39:47--> 00:40:00

You're great, right? You had to change a few things around. You had to tweak things around. You didn't really want to, but you have to. Okay, what's on both sides of both sides? Yeah. 100% Right. So you know the exam

00:40:00--> 00:40:15

ample I always give is like when, you know, when I married my wife, my wife, you know she she's not a lover of variety of food, right? She just she's she's quite bland, you just she was happy just to have whatever is served same dish every day. It's like, are you serious?

00:40:18--> 00:40:54

And then, and it's like, you know, me being the celebrant, I'm spoiled, and I gotta Turks, and they give me their food. And the dishes are given me their food. And the Arabs have given me their food. And the Malaysians and Indonesians have given me their food. So you know, and then it's like, she didn't get into she's not into going to cafes and restaurants, right? And this is, you know, me pre marriages, I'm into this stuff, right? So now, because I'm married to her, Do you think I do much restaurants? No. All right, because she's married to make us what happened? And I'm bringing all of this food home, and it's sitting in front of her who's eating it? She is. So she puts on a bit of

00:40:54--> 00:41:37

weight. And then she blames me for it. And then she says to me, make sure you leave a lot of these fatty food at the door, right? Or don't bring it home, right? So look, you know, at the end of the day, the message is both of you a unique, right? As unique as your fingerprints, both of us, both of you are creating a very unique relationship. And this unique relationship is recreating you to a certain extent, right. And so what I often say to couples is that say to me, I've got all these problems, you know, with my spouse. And I said to them, Look, you know what, you can get divorced, if that's really what you want. And you're not going to have these problems anymore, and you can

00:41:37--> 00:42:03

marry somebody else. But you're going to have a different set of problems. Yeah, it is what it is. You can't learn from it. You can't it is what it is. It's a beautiful way to questions. It's very, very valid. I'm sure the way we in the podcast is we ask well, I asked 10 out of interest questions. So it's just rapid fire questions. Oh my god. Yeah, you could you could take as long can I pass? No.

00:42:06--> 00:42:07

Wow, it's talking about pressure.

00:42:08--> 00:42:11

This simple Bismillah I will start up the first one.

00:42:12--> 00:42:28

What is your favorite date activity with your spouse? Date night every week? Going to somewhere really nice. We've been going there for about you know, for many, many years. And I really look forward to a date night highly recommend date night with you. I can't tell you then everybody you know

00:42:31--> 00:42:38

it's a restaurant. It's a it's a it's a it's a restaurant. And it's just it's absolutely breathtaking views.

00:42:40--> 00:42:45

You go to the same place each week. Yeah, honestly. Because nothing else compares. Wow. Can you tell us off of

00:42:49--> 00:42:56

favorite wisdom school alternate anywhere in the world favorite Muslim scholar of today?

00:42:57--> 00:42:58

Oh, wow.

00:42:59--> 00:43:00

I have

00:43:03--> 00:43:09

Chef Mohamed Shinichi. I have a lot of respect and a lot of love for Chef Mohamed

00:43:12--> 00:43:41

and, yeah, I because I actually am a person who who listens and who watches a variety of Musharraf and scholars because they all do something different to me, there's not really like you know, in the English speaking world, like I said, I will listen to this person and take from their strengths in that area in the Arabic speaking world. So because I've got the Arabic language you know, I will take from,

00:43:42--> 00:43:59

from from different scholars from different scholars Subhanallah chef Muhammad, Hassan is one of my favorite scholars from the Arabic world. Yeah, thank you. Favorite Sahaba and what favorite Sahaba and why?

00:44:00--> 00:44:02

I guess. I guess

00:44:05--> 00:44:08

I can there's so many favorites Abubaker Guardiola one who

00:44:10--> 00:44:31

you know, being the best friend of the prophesy Selim, I want to know, you know, I want to know what what makes what makes him so amazing, to be the best, the best friend of the prophesies, seven if you're going to be the best in that process and you must have some amazing traits about you and qualities. And if you're going to be with the prophesy, Selim, I want to know what it takes to be the best friend of the Prophet sighs.

00:44:36--> 00:44:37

Favorite Hadith?

00:44:40--> 00:44:46

Can't say all of them just shared. He said all of them. I didn't like that. I do have a hadith that I really love.

00:44:47--> 00:45:00

One of the first ones that came to my mind is actually Hadith Guzzi where the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam said the Allah said, right. And that's the Hadith, whereby the Prophet

00:45:00--> 00:45:43

Selam says, that my servant continues to draw nearer to me through the optional dates. So before that, he said that my servant does not draw need to meet with anything more beloved to me than that which I have mandated. So the follow up so the first is the most important thing, the prophet that Allah subhanaw taala loves that wedge of the fork right? But then you can tribute continue to draw near to Allah through sunnah, through these, you know, optional supererogatory deeds right? And when he draws near to me, I love him. Allah saying, I love him and when I love this servant, I become the hearing with which he hears with the sight with which he sees with the hand with which he strikes

00:45:43--> 00:45:52

with the foot with which he walks with, were he to ask me or give him and were he to seek my protection? I will protect you. I'll protect him.

00:45:54--> 00:46:26

When I think about this, work this hadith, it inspires me to do more. Because now I'm Allah makes me see what I really need to see in a day and age of much confusion, of much information and misinformation. We really need to have the correct lens. I need Allah to show me what is the truth? What is right what is wrong, right. And I need Allah to make me hear what's right. Which lectures to be listening to. Right, which scholars to be listening to. Right.

00:46:28--> 00:46:40

And I need to walk to the places where it's gonna give me happiness and success. And I want Allah to protect me and I want my dog to be answered by Allah. Do you now understand why I love this? How

00:46:44--> 00:46:46

do you know? It's my favorite?

00:46:47--> 00:46:48

Good I think we explain.

00:46:49--> 00:46:51

wife's cooking almost.

00:46:52--> 00:46:55

Definitely. Mom's I just told you that my mom my wife is not into cooking.

00:46:57--> 00:47:00

Okay, Allah have mercy upon preparing your

00:47:03--> 00:47:03

favorite food.

00:47:05--> 00:47:43

Favorite food would be anything like in the Lebanese dish or an app? You know what I find leaves? Yeah, yeah, that's my favorite. But anything like with rice and meat. So. So my probably four top dishes would be one from different cultures. There's the Monday from the Yemeni culture, the Monday, we have the biryani from the DESE culture. We have the mindset from the Arab culture. And we have the Kabuli from the African culture. my four favorite rice dishes was Turkey man, and the Turkish one would be kebab.

00:47:46--> 00:47:53

What do you what do you some of the Turkish just remind me maybe one leaves, actually to the Lebanese kills her brother, sorry. Sorry,

00:47:54--> 00:47:55

is the security here

00:48:02--> 00:48:03

what motivates you the most?

00:48:06--> 00:48:14

What motivates me the most is being able to make a contribution to people's lives. You know, for me to know

00:48:15--> 00:48:50

that I'm making a difference to somebody's life. Be it this, you know, whatever it is in whichever area that I could potentially or possibly make a contribution. That's my name. In my course I talk about six human needs. And one of the needs is to make contribution. That's one of my highest needs as a human being to give. And the more I give, the more I just feel amazing. And if I don't have the opportunity to give, I actually don't feel good. So I'm very blessed that Allah has allowed me to give and I feel if that's taken away from me, that will definitely make me feel bad.

00:48:51--> 00:48:52

Your deepest fear

00:48:57--> 00:49:07

my deepest fear would be to not Yanni that Allah does not love me that Allah

00:49:08--> 00:49:12

you know, that I'm going to be punished in the hereafter.

00:49:14--> 00:49:35

That's my deepest fee. Everything else is fleeting. Everything else is a moment. No pain, no gain. We kind of go through pain in this life, we're gonna go through uncomfortable moments. And believe me, I've been through my fair fair share of of pain. And, you know, like I said to you, I've been divorced. I lost my two parents, you know, over a year ago, in one week.

00:49:36--> 00:49:38

That was one of the most gut wrenching experiences that I had.

00:49:40--> 00:49:40

You know,

00:49:41--> 00:49:49

but I think you know, these things are part of life that you will you need to expect to go through

00:49:51--> 00:49:59

some some challenges and to be tested by Allah azza wa jal, Allah tested the best of people. Allah tested the prophets and the messengers, Allah tested the Sahaba the company

00:50:00--> 00:50:07

means. So we're going to be tested and we're going to go through hardships. So really my biggest fear is that Allah azza wa jal is not pleased with me.

00:50:09--> 00:50:13

Your response is very deep. But he asked him, I have to be honest with you.

00:50:15--> 00:50:16

Man,

00:50:17--> 00:50:31

this is gonna be another deep American. One advice would you give your 18 year old self? Yeah, Allah Wow, your 18 year old self, man, man was to the one you divorced, man was a young and dumb.

00:50:32--> 00:50:39

You know, subhanAllah I think I would have definitely focus more on the Quran.

00:50:40--> 00:50:56

Memorizing more Quran when I was younger, because they're the ones you always memorize, you keep with you for life. Subhanallah, the ones that you the verses from the Quran that you memorize at an at an older age, very hard to retain, it's a lot more challenging, right? It's not impossible, but it's challenging.

00:50:58--> 00:51:17

And I think having, I would have loved to have memorized and more understanding of the Quran from a young age, don't just memorize Quran, but understand that it's penetrating and what it can do to your life, right? Just having had, you know, more knowledge about human behavior,

00:51:19--> 00:51:29

more emotional intelligence, more knowledge about how to spend money, and how, you know, I didn't have the best relationship with money, I just was just

00:51:30--> 00:51:53

not investing it in the way I should be investing. Hence, you know, when I heard about you guys, I'm just saying this, because I'm trying to give you guys a plug or anything like that, when I heard about jazz, and some of the work that you guys doing, I thought, Wow, imagine like I knew about this, like, when I was young, and I could actually invest money, and I could become an entrepreneur, you know, by the age of 30. Right?

00:51:55--> 00:52:01

I love making money. I'm I believe in that money is very important.

00:52:02--> 00:52:24

But as long as it's not in your heart, because with that money, you can do amazing things for your family, you can do amazing things that make you feel good by building like masjids building infrastructure, giving back to the community leaving behind a walk of or a legacy for your hereafter. So I look at money from that perspective. I think yes, definitely learn how to make passive income.

00:52:26--> 00:52:54

Don't be a night, I don't like a nine to five job. I mean, that's each to their own. I prefer I prefer humans to, you know, just have a balanced lifestyle. And look after your health get into good habits from a young age with regards to your health, your diet, your exercise, how you going to make money, learn about how to deal with people human behavior, because you can have all the credentials, but if you don't know human behavior, and if you don't have good health, you're not going to probably enjoy a lot of those credentials.

00:52:56--> 00:53:05

So, last one, another big one. Potentially, if you could ask the Prophet Muhammad peace upon any question, what would it be?

00:53:10--> 00:53:14

If I could ask him one question. There's so many questions

00:53:15--> 00:53:16

that I

00:53:18--> 00:53:21

would have asked him but Subhanallah that is a very tough question.

00:53:26--> 00:53:26

You know,

00:53:28--> 00:53:29

I probably ask him

00:53:30--> 00:53:34

know, what are you intentional about the other school I love the most,

00:53:35--> 00:53:45

you know, when interacting with other human beings, you know, what's going through your mind when you come across people from all walks of life?

00:53:46--> 00:53:51

You know, how did you manage to win? How do you manage to win their hearts over?

00:53:52--> 00:53:59

Like, because, you know, if you if you think about our interactions on Earth, that's what it is. We're dealing with so many human beings.

00:54:01--> 00:54:09

And, you know, how do you remain so composed? And you know, what goes through your mind when you're dealing with these human beings?

00:54:11--> 00:54:19

You know, what's going through your mind like, what, what should I be thinking about? How do I approach human beings and not offend them? Or

00:54:21--> 00:54:31

you know, how to win their hearts over to ensure that they I can, what questions should I be asking human beings around me to get them to love Islam?

00:54:32--> 00:54:39

You know, you know, Allah, sometimes I struggle like I come across, you know, if I'm traveling on an aeroplane or I'm in public, and I come across a non Muslim,

00:54:40--> 00:54:49

which ankle do I come in from? I want to showcase Islam. You know, where do I start in sometimes like you, you give it your shot? It's probably not your best shot.

00:54:50--> 00:54:51

You know?

00:54:52--> 00:54:59

Because for me, I think every every interaction with any human being is an opportunity to call to people to Allah, be it a Muslim or a non

00:55:00--> 00:55:17

Muslim. We are all ambassadors of Islam. And I want to make sure that I'm, you know, being the best ambassador to Islam. And I guess my question that we're also sending is, you know, what, what would I What can I do differently to ensure that people are going to embrace Islam?

00:55:18--> 00:55:22

It's a very good response here. Again, that's where you're the love doctor.

00:55:23--> 00:55:32

Everything absolutely incredible. Look, we do have a small gift for you. But we have a big gift that will be delivered to your house, we do have

00:55:34--> 00:55:50

we only have 23 of these printed right? This was when he just listed its ETFs on the issuing stock exchange with branding Islam hits the ASX, wow, and awards to the airport. Stop thinking I'm not going to bomb the six building or something.

00:55:52--> 00:55:53

At the airport

00:55:55--> 00:56:02

when you don't like the bosses and things up to you, but that's just like a level. I really appreciate it. I love gifts

00:56:03--> 00:56:04

to your house.

00:56:07--> 00:56:08

Chef, thank you so much for

00:56:10--> 00:56:17

thank you so much for coming on. I know you're very busy. Man. We tried to get you on the weekend. But obviously that's when you do.

00:56:18--> 00:56:56

Yeah, yeah, that's when you're working. But thank you so much for coming. I hope the questions weren't too tough, too controversial. We wanted to get as much out of you as we can keep it real real. Yeah. And there was a lot of questions I wanted to ask you, but we are way over time. We actually have another podcast in like 10 minutes. He's on his way. But um, thank you so much. I'm hoping if this goes well, we'll be doing another one. Because there were a lot more questions wanted to ask you. But um, but yeah, thank you so much for the opportunity. May Allah bless the work that you guys are doing, bless your families, bless the HS to become, you know, beyond your expectations.

00:56:56--> 00:56:58

Really appreciate it. Thank you.

00:57:00--> 00:57:03

Thank you done Sriracha. Yes.

00:57:04--> 00:57:06

There's a lot of salt time.

00:57:07--> 00:57:13

So many topics that you can talk about, but to do justice to some of the questions you need some