Happy Spouse, Happy House

Bilal Dannoun

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Channel: Bilal Dannoun

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AI: Summary © The speakers emphasize the importance of finding one's own peace in happy houses and marriage, emphasizing the need for education and knowledge to navigate a healthy marriage. They also stress the importance of practice in addressing issues such as divorce and maintaining healthy relationships, as it is a study of one's life. Consent to practice and follow regulations is crucial for overall well-being, and diverse communication and healthy relationships are also key.
AI: Transcript ©
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Scylla

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and the Wii U are early, he was lucky he was top appraising laws of Canada with Ireland. And we must always sustain our provider and we testified that there's not worthy push on loss of Hana with Ireland. And with this sort of my premise of the law Harare, he is his final messenger basketballs become a habit and I've asked him so why don't you send them the highest level agenda log me and ask him to help out the list is gathered about this beautiful gathering reminds me of the hadith of sola is of Allah and he said, Look, I didn't edit the Hadith in

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the lockdown and currently the use of Allah is Salam.

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When the deen fcbd They have gone ahead and Amblyomma Vela ln will now

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this motto is reason with rich as far as the night in the day rich Subhanallah had to buy up Kobe to mother in a very in a terrible low headed deep. And this is the Promise of Allah His Islam would reach every single corner of of the of the of the this this planet earth so Pamela and you can see Muslims here we are in Australia now in the London envelope coming together to worship Allah subhanaw taala and to learn about our, our our deen Allahu Akbar.

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And also reminds me of the the same openness with the last time and who that he used to say to

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him, one of his students, he said him louder Rasulullah Hina had been there for so long he's Allah has had them so yeah, he would have loved you. And I'm pretty sure that for them so this beautiful gathering, he will love every single one of you, and he's of Allah, he's handsome, he's happy and please have every one of us at Canterbury number three is to have a reminds me when I see these beautiful gatherings Paola and reminds me that's part of the future is for Islam. And subhanAllah it gives me personally this power it gives everyone I'm pretty sure that it gives everyone a lot of hope. When we see people attached to a loss of paradise, attached to the house of Allah subhanaw

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taala attached to the religion and they come to learn how to instruct the life or how to guide the life how to guide themselves according to the principles of Allah subhanaw taala and accountability according to Islam, you have this this hope in your heart Allah Allah Allah so Allah Allah spare time at the business gathering Allah Amin and ask him some hematite Almighty t where as he got us tonight to God also those who Allah his son the Baja Ray syndrome in the highest Janine de the topic that we're going to be shipped with interest. going to be covering tonight in Java is a very crucial topic right? Which has helped establish or helped establish a strong foundation for our families

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because how Allah the Muslim families my brothers and sisters alike breaks in this great building of Islam Subhanallah if one of couple of breaks Hala week, the building will start to shake and this is Hala how how important is he is taking care of this it will build this Muslim unit Subhanallah most of the families are having a lot of gardening so Shabbat tonight we're gonna learn together from a ship with them healthy establish a stable and a heavy house and as she will only use this terminology a lot heavy spells happy house pride and we say I think it's supposed to be happy wife happy life used to be at your school Okay

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Have you

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have you ever been

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so it's almost the last part ality you've been a foster mom we're gonna hear and see your mom I mean, and she's we don't

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need to introduce

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her to either this is him and zone located in addition

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to heavy hills, and you have to share with us in sha Allah. How was your trouble? How was it visa?

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Allahu wa Yeah, como la Kamala.

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Smilla Rahmanir Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa sallahu wa salam ala ala Nabina Muhammad, one early he was Harvey he edge main. And All praise is due to Allah Who made the peace and blessings of Allah be upon the seal of the prophets and messengers, our beloved prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam my brothers and my sisters in Islam. Today we're discussing a very deep topic, one that is very dear to my heart. And I'm sure is dear to

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all of you. And if it isn't, it should be very indeed to all of you because as the head

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Heading of this gathering says, Happy spouse happy house, the happier you are as a spouse after marriage, the happier you're going to be in your house, the going, the happier you're going to be outside of your house, the more focused you are going to be, the more productive you're going to be. The more money you're going to make, the more the better, the better the cooking is going to turn out. Because believe me, I can taste that vitamin L the vitamin love in my wife's cooking when she's happy with me, and I can tell you it doesn't taste the same, which is not.

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So it's really really important that we find ourselves Pamela in a happy house. And where does this come from? Allah azza wa jal says, Allah Who? Aleppo Minwoo you to come second that Allah has made from your home a place of Second. Second is from Sakina Jonnie your home is a place where you should find tranquility and peace, you know, in the Lebanese or the Arabic vernacular in the general and me as they say, we say an abyss con and ISKCON fee Bankstown or an ask on fee? Schofield right. I live they use the word second because it's where you find your peace. And if you don't find peace at home, then there is a problem. Because Allah wants us to find that Sakina at home now when Allah

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azza wa jal, he mentioned that verse were all of us we place it on the invitation cards when we sending out the invites to the NIC after the guidebook kitab. Allah azza wa jal says women Aya T and Hala kala ko min and fusi come as well John Lee Tuscano, LA, Li Tuscano, it has to know that Allah has has has mean and fusi comb has provided for you from your own own grind, a xojo a mate, so that you may find Sakina through this mate. So this word Sakina is is what's going to allow you to be in a very tranquil state, when you are in a tranquil state, you're going to be it's part of being the best version of yourself. And Allah mentions this concept, again, in the Quran. And he went, when he

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mentioned a gift to the believer, he mentions Sakina, right, because of the benefits of Sakina. So tonight, insha, Allah, what I thought I would do is I thought I would share with you some of the tools that you need to have Sakina in your house Sakina in your marriage, some of the tools, some of the rules. And this is based on my day to day interactions with couples. And you almost every day, I'm talking to couples from Australia and from around the world. And subhanAllah, we are human beings and we bleed the same color, we have the same problems, doesn't matter whether you are from the DESE culture or the Arab culture, or self aid is South Asian culture, culture, we all have the

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same more or less issues and challenges and problems. So I wanted to make tonight quite a practical approach. I want you to be in my office and be thinking with me about some of these discussions and conversations that I'm having on a day to day basis. And as somebody once said to me recently, do you think that you sound like a broken record in your office? I actually do. I actually feel like sometimes I'm a broken record, I'm just repeating the same thing over and over again. So why don't we talk about real talk? Why don't we talk about what's actually happening on the ground, and we learn from other people's mistakes. We learn from the mistakes of others. Insha Allah hooter, if

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that's the aim, Bismillah Are you ready for this journey? So there's a few words that I want you to remember from this lecture Insha Allah, just a few words, if you can remember these words, if you want to write them down on your phone, please do just words, maybe put in brackets, a few few examples. In sha Allah, the first and the most important contributor for you to have a thriving marriage, to be happily married, is knowledge is to have the knowledge.

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And what I'm talking about in terms of knowledge is the pre marriage knowledge that what you need to know to be a remarkable spouse, what you need to know about yourself what you need to know about the opposite gender, what you need to know in terms of your duties, your roles, your boundaries, your standards, right? You need to know this. When you don't know Subhanallah, you're going to get into trouble. Right? And this is the problem that we have. So the first and the most important contributor to the success of your

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Marriage is to have every limb is to have the knowledge in sha Allah Huhtala. You know, in some countries, I know in Malaysia, you cannot get married, I don't know if it still applies today, but you cannot get married unless you undergo some pre marriage counseling.

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And until you come with that certificate of completion, you the celebrant cannot marry you off, you cannot be married. And Wallah, he I remember many years ago, a brother who married from those countries, and he went there to marry his wife. And he said to me, he said to me, subhanAllah, we had to go through this, and we just did a quick course, on how to have a healthy marriage. And he said, You know what, I still remember those words, and I still apply them. And they helped me in my marriage.

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Because this story is this that many of us don't come from healthy marriages, our parents, you know, may have got it wrong. Or we come from divorced families, or we never really saw what love is because there was no real affection between the parents, they could have been fine. They couldn't, they may not have been abused. But what does it look like to what does an affectionate relationship look like? Maybe some what we find in some situations, like I was counseling a sister yesterday, and she came with her father in law.

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And she's telling me about, you know, her husband and how irresponsible he is. And, and, and she's saying to me, you know, the way he the lack of maturity, and then she says to me, you know, I didn't grow up like this didn't see this men in around me were not like this, they were not acting like boys. Right? So Subhanallah, it's really, really important to have the knowledge and that's why there was a study in a statistic that says that those who did some sort of pre marriage counseling, those couples had an 85% Chance more chance to survive their marriage than those who didn't. So it was some statistic like that. So it is very important, my brothers and sisters, to learn a little

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bit not not, doesn't have to be countless hours, but to the bare minimum, that will allow you to navigate a healthy relationship. Right? And when we're talking about knowledge, you know, what does it mean, to have knowledge when it comes to Yes? What are the rights and duties of the of the husband and the wife? You know, so for example, let's let's talk about some basic ones here. Right? The husband is the one who is going to be in charge of the finances. Yes, in Islam, the husband is the one who has to spend on his wife in terms of food and drink and clothing, and shelter Bill Maher off, okay in accordance with the customs and the traditions of a society and the people, right. So,

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what does it mean to be a husband what Allah azza wa jal says, we're actually Rohan Nabil maruf. Treat women with kindness. Right?

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When Mr. Levy Allah hinder build models, that women possess rights similar to those that may just as men have rights, and Nabil sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said, for example, if Cundill kawari go easy on the fragile vessels, and they'd be your sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said hydroquin hydroquin lea Lea, were under hydrocone Lee the best of you are those who are best to their family and I am the best to my family. Right when he spoke about when, when we when, when the Prophet SAW Selim spoke about women.

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He said that when a woman prays her five prayers and she fast her month Ramadan, and she maintains her chastity and she's obedient towards her husband, it will be sent to the intergender through whichever of the gates she wishes to enter through.

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Right, and the abuse of Allah Hwanhee he was selling them he said, A dunya matawa Hello, Matera dunya. To Sonya that this world is a place of joy and the greatest joys are righteous wife be righteous, pious wife? Yummy SubhanAllah. You know, there was a study. This is one of the longest studies that was ever done. It's a Harvard study of 75 years, and now it's probably coming on to a good maybe 85 years. And what they did they track the lives of about 730 men back then. They wanted to study their life every year. And they wanted to see in the future. What was the common denominator for those who end up being successful to those who ended up being in really toxic place

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in their life, drugs, imprisonment, divorced and when they studied these Yianni when they had a look at the numbers and they looked at those who were successful. They made it in life that you know, the family man who was respected and everybody liked that man, right? They said Subhanallah what

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They realized was the common denominator denominator is that these men were in healthy relationships.

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And the study concludes by saying a good relationship keeps you happier, healthier.

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You know what, Allahu Allah, Allah commune beauty comes second and that Sakina is going to come when you're happy in your marriage, not always in a fight or flight situation. Right. So, so Subhanallah you know, it's so important to really be invested in your marriage. And, you know, there's probably many of you in this room. The might be still single, any singles. Hands up, hands up. Yep, we've got a few. So one of the best, I mean, put your hand up. Hi, please, so you can marry me.

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Okay, good. Hola. Well, some people have been in trouble. Misha, Misha, Hola. Hola, Loma Vertica.

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Right. And so you have to choose right? You have to make the right choices, right if you get it wrong, and this is the unfortunate thing many, many people get it wrong in their choice of a spouse enhance in a divorce rates, alarming and you know, and that's another story altogether. But,

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but knowledge is really, really important. Now let's move on from that insha Allah let's move on to the another big contributor to your success in marriage connection with Allah.

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Allah first, at the end of the day, who controls your spouse's heart

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at the end of the day, who can turn the heart of someone towards you or against you?

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At the end of the day, when Allah subhanho wa Taala loves you. She really loves you. The angels love you. And the people on the earth are going to love you. Because you because Allah loves you. And Allah azza wa jal

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he says in the Lavina Emma know what I mean no Salah hottie

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so yeah, Jan Hula, hula Rahman who would

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that those who believe and they do righteous deeds out of ramen, the Most Merciful is going to instill wood there is going to steal affection in the hearts, meaning in the hearts of others towards you.

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So if your heart is not connected to Allah, and you're not prioritizing Allah, then Allah may punish your relationship.

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So this is a very important point here, that if you want to have a happy relationship, check your relationship with Allah, you know what the pious people of the past used to say? They would say repair your relationship with the Creator, and he will repair your relationship with the creation.

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That's what they would say.

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You know, I remember there was a chef who came to solve a problem. He came to mediate for a couple that had a problem. He came to their house, and he looked at their house and their house was brand new, you know, can just tell it's been newly built. And he says, How did you purchase this house?

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Is it through LIBOR? Is it through usury? And they said, Yeah, we dealt with the bank to the Salam Alikum I'm out of here. That's your problem right there. He went to war with Allah azza wa jal. You went to war with Allah by dealing with interest in Riba. How on earth do you expect me to come and save the day?

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You want the chef to save the day and the counselor to save the day and you're committing haram and you know, what you're engaging is is haram and you're not praying on time? You're not prioritizing Allah. How on earth do you think that your relationship is going to be, you know, running so smoothly? Because Allah says in the Quran, Juana or Saba comb, Min musi batin Febi Makassar but ad calm wa for and Kathy, whatever it misfortune befalls you is due to what your own hands have earned, and He pardons much he's pardoning all the time. He is a full moon, you have full Alpha that's what we were saying. Then let it to further in Ramadan.

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So your connection with Allah azza wa jal and especially the solid when any couple sit in front of me, my first question to them is Tell me about your solid

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because that's going to talk that's that straight away an action item if they want to improve their relationship their Salah your summer is your Silla Silla means your link a Salah to a Scylla to banal Abdullah bin Rafa is an artist Salah tune up artist Scylla that it's the connection between you and Allah there's no Salah How do you want to be connected to the human beings?

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Right so Subhan Allah, you know this when we talk about love, we think about the heart and we have a love heart, right? So the heart is the storehouse of everything that we love. We love Allah we love people will have money

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We love our job, right? And many of us obsess over certain aspects of life

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and eat there's, there's layers in your heart. There's a layer of love for everything that you love in your heart. But there's a loop. There's a core in your heart, the center of your heart, the depths of your heart. And that place is for who? Who is it for?

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Allah, but many of us would have put Allah in that position. We put our work for them. We wake up every day for our sustenance on time. How moolah or masari? Right?

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But we don't wake up many of us for our Sustainer who's giving us the money.

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Jana, you wake up with the money but you will use this for the sustenance but what about the sustainer? Hon Allah in our heart, we said there's layers and if you don't make Allah subhanaw taala. At the core of your heart, there's three things that could happen. Either.

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Allah subhanho wa Taala can corrupt your heart.

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You know the Hadith, either Solow Hudson who have just said that when the heart is sound, the rest of the the rest of the body is sound. And if you don't, if you place any competitor to Allah azza wa jal in the core of your heart other than Allah azza wa jal,

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then you run the risk of that thing, becoming your greatest source of pain in this life. It's been trialed and tested.

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Right.

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So, so we need to ensure that in the core of our heart is Allah azza wa jal. The third thing is whatever is in the core of your heart other than Allah azza wa jal Can, can cause injustice, and impact every other layer of your heart which includes your spouse, your children, your work.

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So now we know why we need to prioritize Allah subhanahu wata island.

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So that's point number two around the connection with Allah azza wa jal, let's move on to another point.

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And that is the point which sort of related to point number one about knowledge. But here now we have to demonstrate as a husband, and as a wife, our role

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you now need to ensure that you are a man, you are a woman. So if as a man, what does it mean to be a husband? To look attractive, that you're responsible?

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For you're mature, that you feel Allah Zoa? Jen, that you have manners, that you are courageous.

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Right? These are some of the things that you have to know. In order to look attractive as a man, there's a certain role, there's a certain way of doing things as a woman,

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you need to be feminine, you need to be a female, Allah created you in a certain way that will make you look attractive to your husband. You, you you look after yourself.

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You display yourself to your husband in the way that that makes him feel attracted to you. And of course that goes for the husband as well. Many husbands usually come in, they neglect themselves after marriage.

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Right?

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The woman has more of an agreeable nature, in comparison to a man, a man by fitrah is very, it's just as much so agreeable, he has a challenging nature. Whereas a woman by nature, she has a more agreeable nature, but she's not a doormat.

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So we need to start looking into what does it look like to be a man and a woman and a woman can be unique, she's quite fragile, and that's what the man has to work with her fragile nature. And maybe you'll some Allahu alayhi wa sallam, he said the reef khanwilkar weary, go easy on the fragile vessels.

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So it's important to play your role, own your role as a husband and as a wife.

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As a wife, you're not required to work.

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You know, you, Allah subhanaw taala says we're gonna feed booty conda the best place for a woman is her home. And if a woman is not at home, most of the time, something is suffering, whether it's her parenting, whether it's the housework, whether it's her health, whether it's husband, you need to be at home.

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And the husband is the hunter gatherer and the husband is the one who's out who's trying to bring back the money in sha Allah hooter Iman, let's move on to a Yanni. Another very important point. And that word is communication. Remember, we're going to highlight some words. And next to this word, we want to have effective communication

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See, this is the problem. We have all of these expectations, but we're not communicating them or we haven't communicated them effectively, or they're not being received, because either the message is not clear or the person is

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selective hearing, or downplaying the needs of the other.

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So therefore,

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when it comes to communication, what we see Subhanallah, I've got a list of about 20 reasons why couples get divorced,

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if I had to put a heading on all of the lists, whether it's whether that list includes

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abuse, lack of commitment to the success of the marriage, Finance, Financial issues, in laws, right, infidelity, and so on and so forth. All of this is failed expectations. That's the heading, failed expectations, you failed my expectations, I didn't think you're going to cheat on me, I didn't think that you were not you were going to be so tight and stingy. I didn't expect that you're not going to spend time with me. I didn't expect that you're going to be disrespectful towards me. So from the get go, we communicate our expectations and our standards and our band boundaries, and our values and our needs, and our love language and hour insecurities. From the get go, no guesswork. You told

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me what you want. And I will tell you what I want. And then we own it. We show up in the same way that we show up to our specialists appointment on time, we show up where we said we were going to show up in the marriage.

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So effective communication insha, Allah Huhtala. Because what's happening, and I want you to think about it like this, I want you to now imagine this you there's your partner.

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And in the middle here, there is a pane of glass, a panel of glass, clear glass. And you could see each other very, very clearly right.

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But what happens over the course of the marriage, is that there's certain hurts felt the expectation here felt expectation there disrespect here, no quality time here, no consideration here. And it starts to really make the glass quite yawning SubhanAllah. You can't quite see each other very well. What does that mean? That means you're emotionally disconnected.

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And when you become emotionally disconnected, you become physically disconnected.

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So yes, there does need to be a communication around these around the stains.

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So that when that comes on the glass, we can quickly clean it as we go. And this is why I teach about I talk about an O S in relationships. And an S means no offense sessions between the husband and the wife. When you talk about your problems, it's okay. You know, there was a study

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of 700 couples.

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And these couples were married for over 30 years.

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And they were over 65.

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So it would be quite interesting to know, you know, what is it that got him so far 30 year marriage, they're quite elderly, they're happy.

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And the resounding sort of response of what kept these couples together is they were able to sit down and have an A an uncomfortable conversation around a difficult situation. Without things escalating.

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Let's cook hikma that's called wisdom. That's called Rama. That's called Mercy, and stubborn and patience and o'clock. But no

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Wallahi my brothers and my sisters Yanni Life is too short.

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Life is too short to be having these these skirmishes in this relationship.

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And Allah says what happens I will father Boehner calm don't forget the good between you both. What you focus on grows, by the way, what you focus on grows, you want to focus on that little, little, that little moment that he had or she had,

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it's going to get magnified.

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So Subhanallah remember the mirror the mirror analogy insha Allah to Allah and remember that it's about having uncomfortable conversations. The next point is a very, very important point and that is around conflict.

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lijkt resolution strategies.

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Many couples don't know how to fight with respect and dignity.

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They don't know how to fight. They don't know how to fight without fighting.

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Do I personally, as a marriage counselor have disagreements with my wife all the time.

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But there's boundaries.

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This respect this time out. There's an emotional intelligence toolbox, or first aid kit that I personally carry. And my wife carries up here that we've learned to remember the knowledge.

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But she can't give what you haven't got what you haven't learned, how are you going to know to defuse the situation?

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or manage the situation when you don't have that emotional intelligence. It's one of the biggest buzz phrases of this age, emotional intelligence, you can look up videos about it, and how the most one of some of the most successful people in the world are successful because they have emotional intelligence. They have what the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam had, when somebody wants grabbed him by the neck from behind, pull these cloak and his Garmin, and he's choking. And he's just smiling at him and says the same to the boys to the sahaba. Just give him what he wants. When he could have smashed him. It could have put him to the ground, you could have called the boys on him.

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That's emotional intelligence

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is a beautiful book. It's called correcting people's mistakes. The prophets, methodology or words to that effect by Sheikh Mohammed, Salah who manage it, I highly recommend reading that book.

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There's another book

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that's written about emotional intelligence from a Muslim author. With the heart in mind, I think it's with the heart in mind, Allah here I'm just trying to remember.

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I think his name is Smith is his surname.

00:31:58--> 00:32:11

So emotional intelligence Wallah, he is going to get you very very far in life. If you have a short fuse. If you have a short fuse, you need to learn how to get curious before furious write that down.

00:32:12--> 00:32:45

Get curious before furious. That's your, your new approach from now on. Because I'll tell you what happens when you when you are emotionally charged. Jani, the anger is kicking in, right that hubbub is kicking in. You know, there's two types. There's two sides of the brain. There's the emotional side of the brain and the rational side of the brain. When you get when you are emotionally charged, and you're angry because of something, it's your emotional side of the brain that is now processing.

00:32:46--> 00:32:50

And you're not even thinking it's all emotions, because it's a shock.

00:32:51--> 00:32:53

So now there's a drilling that's going through your body.

00:32:55--> 00:32:56

There is

00:32:59--> 00:33:04

Subhanallah hormones that are that are running through your body cortisol

00:33:05--> 00:33:26

and that cortisol to leave your body. It takes 90 seconds. So really, you need to occupy yourself for 90 seconds before you can even speak. And hence when we look at the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and he's advice. When a person's angry. He said when when the men asked him, oh Sydney rasool Allah give me advice. He said, Let them

00:33:27--> 00:33:57

give me advice. Let them up. Don't get angry. Give me advice, let them three times. Because that is where a lot of problems happen during the moment of hubbub. And hence the scholars. They said the one who divorces his wife in a state of rage and high level anger. It's not counted. There's a hadith lapolla coffee and collapse that there is no binding divorce in a state where you are blinded, or McCullough. Carla, you're in a sort of incapacitated state.

00:33:59--> 00:34:16

Right? Because you're not you're not in your right mind. So you need to learn how to cool down. You need to learn how to take time out, it's okay for your husband to have time out. But husband, you must come back and talk about the problem and not think it's just gonna go away.

00:34:18--> 00:34:26

This is the problem that we have men that want to talk about the problem. Women want to talk about the problem. And when that happens, okay, we have a big problem.

00:34:30--> 00:34:50

So, so you learn you learn anger management strategies. And this is where it gets even even more problematic. Because when there's a compounding problem, some of us we go into an emotional home. We go to our emotional home, and some of us we have very bad emotional homes.

00:34:52--> 00:34:59

When things get really bad, what I'm seeing is some they go to drugs, they go to intoxicants.

00:35:00--> 00:35:19

They go to gambling, they go to watching inappropriate content, they go to talking with the opposite gender. Because these are some of the realities that we have. Because they just don't know how to manage their emotions. They are so down, that they go to do haram things, whether hola with a potato.

00:35:21--> 00:35:46

So this is why do yourself a favor and talk to your spouse about what it looks like to be emotionally intelligent. And what I teach a lot of couples and I teach it in my marriage course it's online is three hours. When it comes to having problems, the first art that you want to avoid is resistance. Don't resist to talk about a problem, but talk about it at the right time in the right place.

00:35:48--> 00:36:07

If you resist the talk about a problem, this leads to a second R, and that is resentment. So now there is resentment between the husband and the wife, and resentment builds and it compounds. And then it leads to our number three, which is rejection.

00:36:09--> 00:36:13

Don't touch me, Don't come near me. I don't want to be around you.

00:36:15--> 00:36:19

And we said no emotional connection, that physical connection and then the husband comes to me.

00:36:20--> 00:36:31

And they sit down. Brother she she doesn't get intimate with me. My brother do you think just like that out of a vacuum, she doesn't want to get intimate with you. And she doesn't give me my rights brother.

00:36:32--> 00:36:34

Have you been giving her her rights.

00:36:36--> 00:36:43

She's emotional. She's She finds every muscle in her body just stiffens up, and she can't,

00:36:44--> 00:36:46

because she's not emotionally connected to you.

00:36:48--> 00:36:57

So now we have the conversation, and he has to see where she's coming from. And here, she probably has to see where he's coming from. And then we go back to we said effective communication.

00:36:59--> 00:37:44

So one of the best emotional homes. A quick tip here. When you do have a problem, I like to inform couples to play the to card. So this is one of the strategies that you want to play. When when when there's emotion when there is emotional flooding, you're flooded, and you're very angry, you take up the to card, you agree before that, that from now on, if we get angry if one of us is allowed to play the timeout card, the timeout cut means I'm too angry. And I might say something hurtful. And I don't want to say I don't want to hurt you. Can you please give me timeout, the other person agrees. But that's the agreement. Now the person now the minimum the minimum timeout, by the way, is 20

00:37:44--> 00:37:46

minutes. That's what the studies show.

00:37:48--> 00:38:00

The maximum timeout they say is 24 hours, because they say after 24 hours, the shape and starts to kick in and make the situation worse.

00:38:02--> 00:38:16

Right? So little strategies like this that we implement in our day to day life. And then the person who played the to card comes back and says when you're ready, I'm ready to discuss the problem. And the problem is the problem and you're not the problem.

00:38:17--> 00:38:20

Because if you were a public problem, I would have never married you.

00:38:22--> 00:38:29

She's She's not the problem. We have a problem. We're going to deal with this problem. We have problems every day.

00:38:30--> 00:38:42

We just got to learn how to deal with those problems. Like the prophesy Selim told us, Bill Heckman heck notes wisdom, wisdom is to say the appropriate words at the appropriate time in the appropriate manner.

00:38:45--> 00:38:45

Right.

00:38:47--> 00:38:54

So we move on, and I'll even be talking about the Allahu Anhu as you know, was married, was married to her.

00:38:56--> 00:38:57

I was sorry.

00:38:59--> 00:38:59

Fatima.

00:39:01--> 00:39:03

So one day the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

00:39:04--> 00:39:05

He comes to visit

00:39:06--> 00:39:11

Haley's house. And he says to her, he says the Fatima was your cousin.

00:39:12--> 00:39:15

And she says Wallah. Yeah. And we had a fight and he left.

00:39:17--> 00:39:31

So then, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam didn't say anything out of fight, and this is a message to the parents as well. So, so the Prophet SAW Selim, he went out looking for him. Where did he find him?

00:39:32--> 00:39:34

He found him in the masjid.

00:39:35--> 00:39:57

And you know, back then the masjid the flow of the message was all just dust and pebbles. And he had his upper cloak, which is his read that was off him. And he was on the floor sleeping and the ad or Dustin he and the prophets of Allah highly he was Selim says to him, call me about Rob. Get up, father of the dust

00:39:59--> 00:39:59

and

00:40:00--> 00:40:11

Subhan Allah, we don't really know too much about what happens after that. Do we share the story of Ebola too much? That's more or less in the story instead, more or less.

00:40:12--> 00:40:14

But there's a lot of gems right there.

00:40:16--> 00:40:19

One of the gems that we learn is when if you're down,

00:40:20--> 00:40:35

come back to Allah. Come to the house of Allah, because Allah is gonna send you to solutions. Just like he sent the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, to to Isley and they wouldn't have you know, and told him get up, it's good.

00:40:37--> 00:40:42

You find solutions in the house of Allah azza wa jal when you turn to Allah azza wa jal with your problems.

00:40:44--> 00:41:07

So yes, and we notice how it never went to something haram he went, he went to the masjid, the emotional, the emotional home for a leader of the Allahu anhu, as we can see from this story, is the Masjid. That's where he goes, he turns to Allah azza wa jal not turning to something haram, they have another one that we want to talk about here. When it comes to conflict management resolution Subhanallah, what you realize

00:41:08--> 00:41:19

is what happens when you don't have the emotional intelligence? There's a lot of shouting that happens, right? It's you hear about shouting, You know what, some people have said, some scholars, they said, Why does the shouting happen?

00:41:20--> 00:41:35

Because the hearts are so disconnected, that the person feels like the person feels as though that person is so distant from them, they're very far away, that they have to shout at them, because of the disconnection of the heart.

00:41:37--> 00:41:50

But you notice the opposite. When you're very intimate, and you're very close, and you're very loving, and you just whisper to each other. And you say nice things to each other. And it sounds so beautiful.

00:41:51--> 00:41:52

Because the hearts are connected.

00:41:54--> 00:41:58

And that's what the secret is. The secret is to keep the hearts connected

00:41:59--> 00:42:05

through emotional intelligence, through communicating in the love languages of your spouse,

00:42:06--> 00:42:25

through playing your role as a wife and playing your role as a husband, owning it, prioritizing your spouse says something to remember Insha Allah, another another point here to Yanni Inshallah, as we sort of wrap it up. Another point to remember is family interference is very problematic.

00:42:27--> 00:42:32

Whereby families get involved with it with the with the marriage. And

00:42:34--> 00:42:55

here we say try and always keep your problems away from family. Unless it's absolute necessity, and you have no other option. Because how do you think when you badmouth your spouse, to their parents, or your parents, how do you think that they're always going to look at them? And oh, how do you think the person feels.

00:42:56--> 00:43:20

So it's better to go to a chef or a third party, who's not going to be judgmental, he's not going to he's going to be impartial, not partial, right? Because once it goes to the parents, a lot of the times, they take control of that they take control of the situation. And they play emotional blackmail, and they get they take, they can take sides, and so on and so forth. Less is more with parents.

00:43:22--> 00:43:30

So that's another very big one to remember. Another one to remember, another important word that I want to remind you about your safety.

00:43:31--> 00:43:34

Your spouse needs to feel safe,

00:43:35--> 00:43:49

physical safety, from being abused, emotional safety, from infidelity, and betrayal, mental safety, that you don't mentally abuse them and swear at them and put them down

00:43:51--> 00:44:11

there, the three main safeties, if your spouse and particularly women can feel safety in the relationship, the emotional connection is going to be tethering. Okay, and for as long as you're tethering, and there's that emotional safety and physical safety and mental safety, the relationships going to be healthy.

00:44:12--> 00:44:26

But as I said earlier, as well, which reminds me of a notion called in biology, it's called symbiotic relationship. That means as long as the husband is doing his part

00:44:27--> 00:44:49

very well, and the wife is doing her part very well, the relationship should be very well. But when one person is doing very well, and the other person isn't, the relationship is not going to do well. It's a science. It's basic science that we learned. Another thing that I want to talk about here is

00:44:50--> 00:44:59

you want your spouse to always be in a state of certainty. That's a very powerful word. as basic as it sounds, because the opposite of

00:45:00--> 00:45:18

certainty is anxiety, uncertainty, right? For as long as you're certain, you're going to feel content, happy, safe. But when there's uncertainty, how come why? What's he doing is secrecy, there's something going on, that's not healthy for the relationship.

00:45:20--> 00:45:30

And the last thing I want to talk about insha, Allah to Allah, is the importance of making quality time for your spouse. Quality is the operative word.

00:45:32--> 00:45:52

Because a lot of couples are complaining about this. And this is why I always remind couples of wait time moments, and may time moments that you block in the week, certain wait time moments, like a date night you go out, you dress up, you know, just like you did when you were honeymooners.

00:45:54--> 00:46:16

Right, you have quality time with your spouse, you have a walk with your spouse, you have coffee here and a dinner there. And then the rest of it Leave me alone, I've got work, I've got housework, I've got kids, I've got this responsibility in that. So quality time is very important with your spouse. That's a big complaint. It's one of the love five love languages.

00:46:17--> 00:46:19

And this is where it gets very challenging when you have children.

00:46:21--> 00:46:30

The relationship goes from being a dyad to a triad. And when the studies have shown if you don't have good disciplines and good planning,

00:46:31--> 00:46:44

after you have a child, the satisfaction of your marriage is decreased by up to about 45%. Because now, baby number one

00:46:45--> 00:46:46

becomes baby number two.

00:46:49--> 00:46:50

You know what I mean?

00:46:52--> 00:46:54

You've been there Right? I've been begging for you.

00:46:58--> 00:47:03

Because you know you were getting all the attention. It's like what happened? What about me?

00:47:04--> 00:47:50

But then you know, this intruder, this cute hinter that comes along. And it gets very, it gets very challenging. So that's why there needs to be good communication around we tie moments you to prioritize each other, you to look at, you need to look come to the drawing table, group up and talk about options for babysitting for for going out together to ensure that emotional connection I ask Allah azza wa jal to bless all of you with an emotionally connected marriage, and that Allah subhanahu wa taala blesses you with a happy spouse to keep your house happy. And that's why we say we're all together now. Happy, happy spouse. Happy House does that gonna located on? Well SallAllahu

00:47:50--> 00:47:53

wasallam our baraka and in the Vienna Muhammad

00:47:58--> 00:48:01

Ali, he'll be very privileged

00:48:02--> 00:48:12

sharing this invaluable and important information and advice is almost brought to you along with me and my brothers and sisters so long.

00:48:13--> 00:48:57

Before we start receiving the questions from you guys, we need to announce about couple of important announcements. The first announcement is the good news of Hamdulillah that we are we starting this next month inshallah the first structured Shediac course in the Health District inshallah will be a tuition course slash mentorship course as well as a mentorship journey. So I'm Toba, we're gonna be covering seven, seven units in this course Inshallah, we're going to start with Ischia. And then we're going to go to the principles of a field solar field controller, then we're gonna be covering our aluminum core and some introduction to the science plan. And Mustafa Hadith and feel clear about

00:48:57--> 00:49:38

that, which is the rulings of the basically the pillars of Islam how to fulfill the pillars of Islam and Aikido Chaga and archaea that were given taught and learned it's not Archana that as we as we always say, you know that people fight fight about well, it's about we're gonna need to get this short I will even short one event which has helped establish the men in our heart and how to have this connection with the men and it's over the last year it will be an introduction to the science of FCF which is where we're going to get to know each other the principles and wisdom of a city with the law of erlang establish the they work upon is the lab is a CI Ciriaco Salah two hours a week of

00:49:38--> 00:50:00

course we're going to take breaks for three hours two hours a week is the army and with a mentorship as well. And with the mentorship we mean by mentorship is inshallah we're going to have a customized development personal plan for everyone that will attend the course inshallah. So basically we're going to be I'm going to be selling every single one Shala every couple of months inshallah T event

00:50:00--> 00:50:41

To wait these personal planets out to see where you were before you started the course, and we're gonna, we're gonna we are going off on Java so we're going to be tracking together you progress inshallah giving share with you some in some invaluable and important advices just to perfect your life and as you disbalance that we're talking about, this is the first thing. So, if you'd like to install Java message me only use it for the Java and we gonna, we're gonna add you to our subgroup also starting to have the lead from last week, the woman Hala and girls helper very important, very important habits and activities for sisters, our sisters Inshallah, if you're looking for a

00:50:41--> 00:50:42

supportive,

00:50:44--> 00:51:06

supportive environment, if you're looking for good company, you know that it can share with you the journey to Allah subhanaw taala that Hamdulillah we have established here or we started here, women halacha we have a woman How can we have sisters how much is from 18 to 25 to 30. And we have Yost Holika from 13 to 17. And I'm going to lead with a very well structured and balanced

00:51:07--> 00:51:44

and balanced programs if you would like to get to know more details for the system. Toma Mr. Musa is the lead and she is a surgeon and she will be able to share with you this important of us this is our economy now so again, we knew we didn't know the time for questions it's all of your questions if you have any questions Allah with our message me directly the brothers and sisters on Zoom please message on the on the chat or you can raise your hand always and please if you can raise your hand keep your question it less than a minute so you're gonna win today we're gonna give you less than a minute to talk about so you need to be very young and precise and very focused inshallah just to

00:51:44--> 00:51:54

give everyone a chance to to to ask visit about probably hospital hospitality bit of asphalt we're gonna we're gonna heat isn't the Zachman locket?

00:52:08--> 00:52:10

So we have the first question.

00:52:11--> 00:52:19

Someone is saying marrying someone from a different cultural background, new experience, what have these marriages worked, worked or not worked?

00:52:20--> 00:52:32

Is this even a valid question? Or are the core principles you mentioned in the topic? The most important Bismillah Alhamdulillah. So that was somehow so there? Yes, it is a valid question or questions are valid questions. Okay.

00:52:33--> 00:53:21

With regards to with regards to intercultural marriages, when what what I've seen over the last many years of counseling, it's never, it's never really been about cultural differences. Okay. It's about the the inner cultural differences. Because it every one of us has a culture within us. Yes, we come from a deci background or Arab background, but within us, we have expectations. We have needs, we have values, okay, we have standards. That's the culture that normally we're battling, but not generally speaking, the outer Jonnie Subhanallah, especially in the Western countries, many cultures are coming together, and they gel well. And I honestly, from my personal experience, interacting

00:53:21--> 00:53:26

with couples from around the world, I've never seen this to be a problem. We'll love what Anna

00:53:29--> 00:53:34

can you please give me a definition of love based on Islam, and your experience and knowledge?

00:53:36--> 00:54:12

Probably the best. The word love in Arabic is herb. But when Allah spoke about this notion of love, he spoke about it in a more deeper way where he said, Muhammad, so. So love is what's instilled in your heart. I can love you. You love me, maybe some of you love me in this room. And I have no idea that you love me. That's called right now what that word means you love me but you actually come up to me to me, I love you. You buy me a present Hint, hint. Now just checking, okay? Or you know, you do something nice for me or you know,

00:54:13--> 00:54:53

whatever it is, that's moment. That's your now it's called demonstrative love. That's the best type of love when you demonstrate that love towards your partner in sha Allah. Allah is talking about my word that this is a pillar what Rama is another pillar. So the stability of the marriage, the pillars that we have the most part, it more it stabilizes the marriage. And when it comes to when it comes to murder, by the way, or love, everyone wants to be loved differently. And that's where we That's why in my marriage online Marriage Course I integrate between Islamic values and teachings and modern day research into what contributes towards healthy and loving relationships. And we use

00:54:53--> 00:54:59

the love languages assessment, which is very, very powerful, because it talks about the five love

00:55:00--> 00:55:10

languages and they include a que words of affirmation, some of us once a lot of compliments, right and to be acknowledged and that's more you think that's more males or females.

00:55:11--> 00:55:18

Males males ha ha sent you said this, you spoke right chef Michelle, you must be doing a good job at home. Okay.

00:55:19--> 00:55:56

Okay. And then and then we have things like for example, we have quality time would there be males or females more dominant females well done, masha Allah, they want more of your time because especially the men is our she's, she's united, she's having a lot of problems at home with the children and she's she probably has no family members here or she's very busy. She's looking forward to spending time with her spouse and the only Today I had a case exactly that. The brother mashallah he works very, very hard. And he's always out but she feels lonely. She's She says he's a good guy and everything, but I feel very lonely in this relationship because it's never here. You know, it's

00:55:56--> 00:56:10

like the it's like the man, right? It's like the Iron Man who climbed up Mount Everest, and he swam across the ocean. And, you know, he ran across the desert. And in the end, his wife divorced him. Why?

00:56:12--> 00:56:13

Because he was never there.

00:56:14--> 00:56:53

So, so quality time is another one. Another one that we have is acts of service, Jonnie helping out and we know the Prophet SAW Selim helped out around the house right Can a corner fee Minetti Lee that he was at the service of his family members, so this is for the brothers help your wife out? Inshallah hooter Allah it creates that emotional connection that's another love language and other love languages surprise you look attractive when you surprise someone you surprise them with a gift with a romantic getaway whatever it is surprise any your spouse very important at the handle to have bought and the bizarre Salam said exchange gifts and your love for another will increase. The last

00:56:53--> 00:57:23

one of the love languages physical touch, right and we know the prophets of salaam he would kiss his wives before going into the salah. Okay, and he spoke about the importance of touch as well. So that's something to think about when it comes to love. Did we answer that question? Yeah. Okay, in terms of gifts and gifts, the gift should be in accordance with the person and what they like know what you like right insha Allah but you can't go wrong with perfume especially for the males

00:57:24--> 00:57:38

and maybe like a maybe maybe just the what, what what can go wrong with it? I'll be there straightaway you just tell me the address and I'll be there. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach ah, inshallah

00:57:40--> 00:58:01

any questions in chama sister brothers or sisters? Yours Yeah, hand and if you have any questions, any questions about relationships of friends relationship doesn't have to be your relationship you can use the third person I know so and so who I know someone so don't have that doesn't have to be about you. Could be about you. Paula who Ireland well think about your questions in Sharla sisters yes.

00:58:03--> 00:58:11

For about like a woman on my back home. So what did she bring one thing like she doesn't want to stay

00:58:12--> 00:58:16

tomorrow is generated she doesn't want to be it's not where they have been.

00:58:19--> 00:58:30

So, when I spoke about being at home, I spoke about mainly like in terms of fulfilling what needs to be fulfilled at home your duties in terms of maintaining your home maintaining your children

00:58:31--> 00:59:13

looking after your husband's needs, so of course if your need so there in the course we talk about six human needs as a study out their relationships breakthrough. One was very interesting study around human needs and one of our needs as human beings is the need for variety. Can please repeat the question again? Because the brothers Oh, yes. What was the question is around a sister is asking about if What if her her need is to not always be at home? She gets bored at home? Yes. Okay. Because I did say in the lecture be at home sisters, right. So we said that Yeah, I mean, be at home. But at the same time, if you if you communicate with your spouse, what variety looks like for

00:59:13--> 00:59:54

you so in today's session that I had, I requested from, from the from the wife to write to the husband, what she likes, and for him to write what he likes, and then they start to communicate, we tie moments together doing each other's likes, right? So there's good communication around the time. There's and then there needs to be communication and part of us as human beings, we need variety. And if you look at our acts of worship as Muslims, we have a variety of acts of worship so we don't get bored. So yes, the human being can get bored so therefore we have solid. Then we have fun. We have seen that we have to hedge it. We have cm we have Ramadan, we have three white, three, three

00:59:54--> 01:00:00

white days we have different Mondays and Thursdays we have hedge we have ombre we have you see all the variety that we have

01:00:00--> 01:00:33

have and that's the same thing as when it comes to the relationship have that variety good communication. Sit down, just talk say, Look, you know what, you know, life isn't just all work. Life isn't just always looking after the kids. Surely there's got to be some fun time for us. And that's when you need to communicate and you need to spend some money and you need to think outside the box insha Allah does that answer your question, sister. So does that mean ricasso regarding woman staying at home does that mean they cannot go out or they can go out after fulfilling the rights go out after if you fulfill the rights of your home. Otherwise it becomes a problem. The guy

01:00:33--> 01:01:12

comes home, the brother comes home husband comes home, he has expectations that there's a meal on the table, or he has expectations that the house is kept in or managed in a certain way. There are expectations and we don't want failed expectations. We said that is the broad heading for disappointments and ultimately separation and toxic relationships, failed expectations. Let's keep the communication channels open and really communicate what you want in Sharla and have that balance. Remember what the Prophet SAW Selim, he endorsed the words of Salman to a Buddha, when he said in the lira Macalik a haka. Inelia, Holika Holika Hopko. And then NFC Gallica hub for article

01:01:12--> 01:01:23

that you have can haka Allah has right yourself has rights, your family have rights give each lead you right. Balance. Okay, and if it Subhanallah you go to either extreme, and it's not going to work.

01:01:25--> 01:01:25

Yes, brother.

01:01:28--> 01:01:34

There are a few professions, which faces just medical babies were

01:01:37--> 01:01:43

always in the hospitals and all that, and they get married. And so how do what's your proposal to

01:01:45--> 01:01:57

manage both of them that what is the daily progressing? Because wasn't? So the brother is asking around? The brother is asking around our sisters who are professionals or who are working.

01:01:59--> 01:02:22

And they're married? Right? How do they how do they balance between work? And between home right now home is going to be the husband, it's going to be the house itself. And it's going to be the parenting, isn't it? So and much of that really, if we look at looking at it from a customary perspective, or Odyssey perspective, it's on the woman is it not?

01:02:24--> 01:03:07

Okay, so then she is that it's up to the husband to ensure that he's the breadwinner that he is the one that is is doing is doing that so sheets does she still works but to the extent or to the effect that it doesn't impact Okay, her home so that she might go part time she might go casual, she might be full time she just might be amazing, but I believe me from my experience, something's got to give other than the children will be on their devices, the children are neglected the children's homework is not in check. So something has to give, I cannot I cannot see a woman being full time worker and everything in at home is in order. If there is that might be an exception to the rule. And we say

01:03:07--> 01:03:50

mashallah Tabata kala Allahumma barik Superwoman, Superwoman. Issue, it has to convey that message to the wider society must be community, because I think at the moment light goes on that if you're working, are working like you know, I don't think that that message is being echoed. Yeah. Otherwise, people just cannot professionals going to work where we have to look at what is the what is the the, the, you know, what's the objectives of the Sharia. And when you look at the objectives of the Sharia on the shark is a specialist in this area. But, you know, we look at the Sharia is about, you know, raising, maintaining a good home, maintaining the Sakina at home, maintaining the

01:03:50--> 01:04:30

husband, and his needs, maintaining the children and their needs, and each has to play their role. And we need to get real with our expectations. And that, yes, the Western narrative is, you know, the man works with and the woman works, and we're doing it tough, but we don't have to be Jonnie, opening our ears to that narrative, we have the Quran, we have the Sunnah of the process, and then we have their examples. And their model worked. The stomach model works, it always has been working for a long time, and we're seeing when you go against that model, then you're going to start to be confronted with some problems with parenting problems with emotional connection.

01:04:31--> 01:04:43

You know, I mean, I mean, in the in the case, that example that I told you guys about today that the wife is always at home, and there's problems in the relationship and she's at home. Right? Imagine she wasn't at home.

01:04:44--> 01:04:56

So we have to be realistic in our expectations and and look at all the things that could go wrong when you don't follow that that Quran and Sunnah model until until the right priorities.

01:04:58--> 01:04:59

Priorities you know the

01:05:00--> 01:05:14

priority for the husband, as we said is to earn the income. That's his priority. And to come home and to be the a worm to be the leader to make sure everything's in check, you know, especially in this day and age, when you're leaving your children on devices.

01:05:15--> 01:05:39

It's that's one of the worst things that you can do for your children. The one of the worst things that you can do for your children is to leave them on devices. Okay? There's no more create creative thinking. There's, you know, there's addictions, there's things popping up. There's subliminal messaging. There's lots of things, you know, so you know, we can't just you can't just always give a device to your child and shut them up.

01:05:43--> 01:05:50

The question here does a woman who does not wear the hijab take away from the blessings of marriage?

01:05:55--> 01:06:40

Allah subhanahu wa Teina and he does say he does say, well mount a Saba comin musi button. For me Mecca, Sabbath ad como fanca fear that whatever of misfortune befalls you, to a large extent, not all the time, not all calamities are a punishment from Allah azza wa jal, or trials and tests, but to some extent, or a large extent, whatever extent he's going to be from your own doings. Why would you deprive Why would you? Why would you put yourself in a position whereby, you know, you have a command to be fulfilled and you're not fulfilling? Why would you take the risk? That may be maybe, I don't know. Allah is punishing you or your relationship because of that sin, with AXA buena, who

01:06:40--> 01:07:24

Hainan? Well who are and Allah who have him, you think it's insignificant, you think it's trivial, Allah says, but to Allah, it's great. It's like, it's, it's, it's monstrous. So, you know, never undermine any sin. And this is really an important message for a happy marriage is keep away from all sins, keep away from all sins, because that it could be that sin that is coming between you and your spouse, you and your children, you and your work, you and your health, because you're committing a sin, so never undermine any sin because that is the sin that might be the one that's depriving you of blessings. Yes, it might be categorically can I say yes, I can't well know who to

01:07:25--> 01:07:47

even a sense of authority at the low Toronto says Wallahi Nila edgy do a thorough ma so yeah, TV is lgt with empathy and about Allah is see the impact of my sins in my spouse and in my Deb in which is in my transport SubhanAllah. So the master do you deliver impacts and I think it impacts in our life. Ask Allah Subhana Allah to forgive us all.

01:07:48--> 01:08:01

Any questions here? Smilla? Is the host Aaron ocean. reason I ask is the trends that we see. People sort of get divorced very quickly. What's the ruling over the course of this round?

01:08:03--> 01:08:04

The way through the mind to

01:08:08--> 01:08:15

the brother is asking if divorce is ever an option? That's the short that's the short of the answer. But

01:08:17--> 01:08:29

of course it's an option since since Allah legislated, if it's not an option, then why did Allah legislate it? Yes, we all agree on that. Allah is the legislator. And when Allah Allah gives us options, so we don't oppress ourselves or oppress others.

01:08:30--> 01:09:17

Is it like desired? No, it's not? Is it the ultimate when they spoke about divorce? they categorize it and the macro is disliked, it's disliked. Right? So then we have to always try our best to avoid the divorce, because there are ramifications that come with divorce, especially if you have children, especially when there's children. So divorce is an option. Right? Oh, divorce is a solution to a problem when the problem cannot be resolved. Does that make sense? It becomes an option or a solution to a problem that cannot be resolved. But from my experience, most problems can be resolved. If there is cooperation there we stuck wala here as our gel is no egos, you're willing

01:09:17--> 01:09:21

to say that? Yes, I got it wrong. And you willing to say I'm sorry. Right?

01:09:22--> 01:09:57

If you're prepared to say if you're prepared to put your ego aside and to admit there is a problem, right, and, and ready to obsess on doing the work that you need to do on yourself to fix the problem, then in sha Allah divorce should never be an option. Does that make sense? Right. Which which, speaking of addictions, yes. This is another very big problem that destroys a lot of marriages. You know, we have in this day and age, you know, watching inappropriate content, you know, on the internet is a big problem when it comes to addictions.

01:09:58--> 01:09:59

And we and

01:10:00--> 01:10:37

and talking, you know, addictions when it comes to drugs addiction when it comes to gambling. And a lot of the times to be honest with you, a lot of these addictions are coming before marriage. And they come into the marriage and Subhanallah they these are emotional homes that people go to or they just addicted, right? So what I say to you, especially, for example, a sister calls me up. And she says to me, Look, I want to divorce my husband when I went out I went out that's it. What's wrong sister? And she says, Look, you know, he's, he's addicted to watching stuff and, and you know, and I've caught him out too many times. So for me straight away too many times caught him out. But tell

01:10:37--> 01:11:10

me more about your husband. Yeah, he's a good man. He's a good man. Yeah, he's a good man. So straight away for me. He's just got addictions. It's not personal. Is your intimate life good sister your intimate life with him? Are you guys on good intimacy because you everything's fine. So it doesn't have an issue with you and the way you look in your appearance. He's got addiction, so let's go and help him. What not divorce him go and help him the guy needs help. It's not personal. Why you personalizing for Jana Witter for you. I know. It hurts you. Yes. I know. It's a problem. But we have to help the brother. Not turn him away. And that's it. We want divorce. You see, sometimes we

01:11:10--> 01:11:34

need to dig a bit more and find out how to help the brother. Yeah, that's right. It's almost hydrolysis in your either Slowhand you Africa laburnum. Right. So if you didn't see in fixing and overcoming your issues, Allah subhanaw taala will, will, will, will, will guide you to the way Subhanallah but sincerity is the key and it's upon Allah. So here another question here is very important about the does a woman he sorry, not this one?

01:11:36--> 01:11:37

Where is it?

01:11:39--> 01:11:42

What if the husband does not want the wife to work?

01:11:43--> 01:12:26

So I guess it's about the how far or the regarding obedience between the husband and Yeah, well, at the end of the day, he is the leader. And it's his call. If you if you want to work this is if you if you as a wife wanted to work in the marriage then then this should have been stipulated before the marriage then he has to he has to honor his agreements. Yes. But sometimes that may need to be renegotiated depending on circumstances. Right. But can the husband tell you I don't want you to work? Yes, he can. He's the one he's the leader, not a dictator. He's the leader. Just like your boss at work tells you don't do this. Don't do that. You listen to your boss. Right? Allah subhanaw

01:12:26--> 01:12:33

taala gave a leader and and the leader is there to lead and to ensure what's in the best interest of his dependents.

01:12:37--> 01:12:48

You might have heard from Lorraine Sure. Yeah, he's done chemo and Allah over river before noon. Hawa Kenny Berlin because

01:12:51--> 01:12:52

we're Reba we had our

01:12:53--> 01:12:54

attack.

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And he got destroyed in

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an

01:12:59--> 01:13:05

area Eastern fan Haryana aircraft, Muslim origin you're ready

01:13:07--> 01:13:10

to do the English The only English translation of the most channels

01:13:12--> 01:13:15

Okay, so the question is around

01:13:16--> 01:13:36

the question is around taking matters to civil to civil courts to civil law, when you have marital issues going to the unknown going to the law of the civil the civil law, the Islamic position is Alhamdulillah we do have Islamic intervention now we do have

01:13:37--> 01:13:59

we do have arbitrators, we have mediators, we have mache, we have scholars, okay. And we we really need to take our matters up within an Islamic context. Because if you're taking it to a civil context, they're going to go by probably certain laws that go against the Sharia in terms of certain

01:14:00--> 01:14:13

giving certain rights that are not Islamically the rights of the other so it's always go to the Sharia go to those first Allah vicar and confirm that and I'm gonna ask the people of knowledge.

01:14:14--> 01:14:48

Go to those any we have mediation and arbitration. Yes, it's a slow process. It's a slow system. We're still in our very teething stages and it's early, but let's go to them and it gets very very it's not right to go to to others when we don't need to go there. If we have our own judiciary system, we have our own Judah caters. Does that make sense? As a chef, you're more qualified in this area and also is asking about accepting accepting the accepting the laws and believing that the laws is better than the last last pattern

01:14:50--> 01:14:59

referred to go to their laws because they're more organized and they look you know, and then they're more established and say, Well, this looks you know, I'm gonna get my rights. Well, no, you

01:15:00--> 01:15:33

You know, you're going to get your rights through Islam, if you follow the right process. It's a process. And if many Unfortunately, many individuals, they're not prepared to go through the process they want. That's it, the court the chef, they want the answer right now the solution right now, they want it to happen. It doesn't happen. Not even that not even in the in the court world, there's a process you got to walk in. Sometimes your case is not until a year later. So don't be hasty. This is the problem that we have the hastiness and not willing to wait through it and to go through the process. When Allah subhanaw taala takes you through through the divorce process, there's a three

01:15:33--> 01:16:12

month waiting period. Why is Heckman in that? When Allah says divorce, your wife give her only $1 and she stays at home, she doesn't even leave the home after the first dollar or the second dollar. Right. And you go back, go to Surah Tala and go to the first verse in Surah, total that led to Frisco naming booty and while I don't drive them out of their home, nor should they drive out of their home. Why? Because Allah knows us. Allah knows us. He weighed us, He created us, he programmed us, he knows we're most likely going to get over it. But there you go straight away to the cam. And then they they're going to come in and they're going to, you know, you know how many times you know,

01:16:12--> 01:16:51

how many cases have gone to, to the police, for example. And then a vos get put in place and children are caught up in it. And then the even if you're trying, even if you want and there's been lies and what have you and even if you want to try and revoke that avio Subhanallah what happens? The police say, No, we're not revoking that you've told us that that's it, you know, the children are not going to see their father for a while. And then Doc's can get involved, it gets very complicated, because of a moment of lack of emotional intelligence. And that's why I'm saying you need to practice letters into practice maintaining, you know, your anger and getting curious before

01:16:52--> 01:16:53

furious

01:16:54--> 01:17:31

and that's why my brothers and sisters that early in the early intervention of this you and and the Imams it's very important. Some brothers and sisters leave the issue until until until it becomes so complicated to handle it start from the beginning and raise your hand when you struggle, raise your hand and say I need help I'm gonna share with her Michelle on his office in Bankstown is Yanni mashallah you can always go and talk to him, we hear each other also to help you as well. So you have to raise your hand very early, before things gets complicated in sha Allah and when and you have to stick on your your ego Subhanallah some brothers, especially brothers would say are you want

01:17:31--> 01:17:40

me to go and complain to you and you have to come you have to come and you have to seek guidance if you cannot manage yourself, right? It's very, very important Subhanallah

01:17:42--> 01:18:02

and by the way, we having taller next month, next, next month, inshallah will be Tuesday the 20th Inshallah, next month, we're having another session inshallah delivered by me about the misconceptions, misconceptions of marriage, we're going to inshallah go through this mystical mystical in Samba discussions together to Allah and try to cover it. The irony with Islamic financing I'd like to add chef is

01:18:05--> 01:18:41

when it comes to communicating with the Musharraf and those individuals, or who who are mediating and arbitrating marital disputes and problems, it's very hard to get through, because they're already on the ground. They're already sitting in interviews and having so many cases and they're doing the hot tubs and they're doing the lectures and they're doing and they got families. So one thing that one message that I really want to send across is you need to be patient and not straight away are the chef doesn't answer me he doesn't say message the chef once he didn't answer your message himself, I have a marital dispute, please, when you have time, please

01:18:43--> 01:19:07

message me call me I need to talk to you, right? Be patient with the machine. If it's it's very, very overwhelming, right? It's very, very overwhelming is only if there is so many 1000s of couples out there, and just a handful of Musharraf who are doing this. And then so you know, don't lose hope. You'd have to just go through the process. Be patient be patient, and Sharla sorry, shatter.

01:19:10--> 01:19:13

Be selective of what you have or imagine that regard.

01:19:16--> 01:19:42

Do you have to be selective when it comes to which chef or which marital mediator? You're going to go to? I would say yes. In my experience, I would say yes. Why? Because not every chef has that Hickman has that experience has the knowledge maybe of human behavior? Yes, he understands Sharia, he understands not all of them have gotten to the level of doing a little bit more work a little bit more experience.

01:19:43--> 01:19:51

You know, I personally when I was younger used to accompany my chef to learn how they would mediate, right.

01:19:52--> 01:19:59

So so one of the things that that I see that they don't maybe understand maybe certain human behaviors or picking up

01:20:00--> 01:20:03

uncertain behaviors or personality disorders,

01:20:04--> 01:20:41

they might not pick up on that. So yes, I would highly recommend maybe a blended approach. Sometimes you can't find the chef that has both, I would probably suggest, like, if you want to get an Islamic perspective, have a chef and have a marriage counselor. All right, or a good counselor that understands marriages and human behavior, such as psychologists, welfare workers that are in that field. So sometimes you might have more than one person working on your case, just to really give you that understanding. Sometimes it might just be the one person and you're happy, and you're getting the results and this progress. The main thing is we want progress. We want success at the

01:20:41--> 01:20:46

end, we don't want to continue in any toxicity and uncertainty in the marriage. Does that answer your question?

01:20:48--> 01:20:59

His brother, his brother was mean to us. I think before when it comes to marriage, the word compromise comes up a lot. And it's not always 5050 and touched a bit before about men sometimes struggle to accept.

01:21:00--> 01:21:04

So how far do we go with compromise and what strategies to compromise?

01:21:05--> 01:21:12

So the brother is asking about the the notion of the concept of compromise in the relationship and and how far is it?

01:21:14--> 01:21:50

Well, I guess, I guess when you when it comes to the deen, when it comes to like, like Islamic values, there's no compromise. Let's see, Islam is submission and surrender. And when you submit and you surrender to Allah, and you fulfill your duties, you're gonna have a peaceful life, right? In a peaceful marriage. So don't compromise on the laws of Allah, it's going to compromise your life, it's going to hit you, right? But on your on the day to day issues. It's like, you know, subhanAllah my wife, right, we bought this coffee machine. And for me, I just wanted the coffee machine on the kitchen bench. I just wanna be able to get there and just, you know, press the button and, and make

01:21:50--> 01:22:24

it all happen, right? She wants to put it in this certain certain cupboard, because you don't put it on the bench because it's gonna look, it's gonna look like he got something on the bed. She wants a clean bench, you know, you know how when he's with ladies in that, right? I'm thinking like, really? And then I and then I found, I'm gonna go to battle with her. It's just not working. And she's just adamant. yella. Bismillah. Let's see, let's compromise day to day issues on the television and on the sofa here. You can compromise, right? Can we go out on this? Then you will go out on that day and or can we we compromise? Right? That's day to day things you can compromise. Right? But there's

01:22:24--> 01:22:34

some things you just can't compromise on. Does that make sense? Keep the peace. And then what's it like in your household? As a keeper Ruben? Yeah. Challenging.

01:22:36--> 01:22:37

He's in trouble tonight.

01:22:39--> 01:22:40

I've got my in laws here.

01:22:43--> 01:22:43

Is my chef.

01:22:49--> 01:22:52

Someone is asking about how do you build on the

01:22:54--> 01:22:58

how to build on the safety and certainty in the relationship.

01:23:00--> 01:23:13

So the safety and the certainty. So if we go on safety, we said safety, you want to feel safe in your marriage, right? So therefore you want to feel mentally segmental safety, physical safety.

01:23:14--> 01:23:56

And we said emotional safety, emotional safety. How do you built on that by ensuring there's boundaries between you and the opposite gender? So emotional safety is more the the woman and the man feeling safe? Okay, that their partner is not going to cheat on them. That's the emotional safety. How do you do that by you having communicating healthy boundaries? What does it look like when it comes to interacting or in any with the opposite gender at work in public, with your messages with your colleagues, with your workers, right? You communicate boundaries, to feel emotionally safe. Mental safety means you have rules about how you will fight without fighting with

01:23:56--> 01:24:37

respect with dignity we set right. So now if if you've both communicated what that looks like, and you maintaining that respect, and that o'clock, that's the mental safety. The physical safety means no domestic violence, there's no abuse, you don't touch me, I don't touch you. We're in we're emotionally intelligent human beings. We've got rules, and we know how to de escalate the situation. And we practice that and we talk about that. So now, I feel physically safe. There's a public safety certainty, on the other hand, is your clean certainty means I'm not sure about there's a lot of things that are going on in this house or I'm uncertain, you put your hand up and you have an you

01:24:37--> 01:25:00

both need to be approachable, and you both need to be able to put your hand up and call it out. Look, I'm feeling a bit uncertain about this move to so and so or about this particular condition. Okay, I've got okay so what how can I help you? How can I help you get certainty you communicate until the person is certain? Right? Because one thing you want

01:25:00--> 01:25:36

have is that certainty you don't want to be in a state of doubt, being in a state of doubt, the shaitan has a field day with that that's called was Swiss. And by the way, one of the areas that's going to help your marriage is the morning and evening, of course, I cannot, I cannot stress enough enough, I cannot stress it after the budget and after acid that you do the whole package, okay, maybe maybe if you'd caught on time doing the whole 100 At the end, say this 100 times 10 times fortress of the Muslim has non Muslim app has non Muslim app, go to morning or evening supplications do this applications, because they are going to protect your marriage. And they're going to turn

01:25:36--> 01:26:20

down the volume of the West quests. And one thing that I've realized Subhanallah is when when when, especially the wives, when a husband or a wife is being traumatized by something, then they have a lot of uswest regarding that issue, because it really because the shaitan then knows how to create a problem between you both based on that issue. So if your partner has a genuine issue of what swears they overthink something and they need a lot of certainty, the other partner should never challenge that they should give them that certainty. So for example, let's say for example, let's use an hypothetical and this happens by the way, the husband has once upon a time cheated on the wife. And

01:26:20--> 01:26:28

it could cheating by there could be many ways. It could be for Zina. It could be just talking and texting another woman. It could be whatever it might be right.

01:26:29--> 01:27:06

And then he repented. hamdulillah did Ledger's are Calaca you repented May Allah bless you and forgive you, but yet, but for the woman that you cheated on, okay, she is going to always be her her now. shaytaan knows her weakness. And she is going to come to her. And he's going to remind them remember, he cheated on you remember? And he makes her feel perturbed? So what did she do? She's always calling you every now and then where are you send me a pin drop. Send location. Where are you now? Right? This and that. She loved why I repented for it like, No brother, you have to understand you created them in certain you created this insecurity in her. You have to pay the price probably

01:27:06--> 01:27:35

for the rest of your life. Yes, you'll come down a lot. Yes, she'll do her of God. But you have to work with that you have to work with it, you have to take responsibility. If you've created an uncertainty, and you created an uncertainty in your wife and insecurity because of your actions, okay, then you need to, you need to be responsible, and you need to act responsibly and take and work with her insecurity not challenging. And I've seen Subhan Allah, I've seen

01:27:36--> 01:28:11

husband had a recent case where a husband was not working with the insecurities of a wife not that he created any insecurities. But she's a very insecure woman, because her parents are divorced. And so what happens she's come into the relationship with trauma. Right? And so now, he takes it very personally, don't you trust me, don't you? Why don't you trust me for how come you're always questioning me, right? But he takes it so personally, he didn't know that she's just a very hurt woman. And she needs a lot of references and security. And now what happens he couldn't handle that he divorced. And now they go back to each other and then he will teach him that was wrong. What do

01:28:11--> 01:28:18

you do that for? What did you challenge her for? I couldn't handle it. But you just didn't know you just that's why you have to go to someone again.

01:28:19--> 01:28:22

So with that certainty and the safety I hope that answered that question Shala

01:28:25--> 01:28:26

and then this will dominate

01:28:28--> 01:28:40

the one not one of the muggers who fossil hakomi Yeah need to have Johnny tell the moon you can even tell him last year. Case Lee and aka week

01:28:41--> 01:28:47

Danica Thompson Hawaii and Islamia lady cave Indiana account we were built on Stephanie

01:28:48--> 01:28:51

Lee map Milena had the

01:28:52--> 01:28:53

means

01:28:55--> 01:29:02

to deliver almost Okay, let's definitely get a phone call we should take a photo in the middle of

01:29:04--> 01:29:10

the ship. Man Man Jihad man metres madrasa well am I Oh latika?

01:29:13--> 01:29:14

Okay, you know my

01:29:15--> 01:29:17

brother is asking a question around

01:29:19--> 01:29:22

much of the institute's of today in schools and

01:29:23--> 01:29:29

imparting knowledge that goes against Islamic values and trying to also

01:29:31--> 01:29:59

in influence or maybe perhaps that will tarnish the Islamic identity for our children how do I go and combat that? You know, when it comes to the schools and I think that's that's something that you can only take up with the school principal told him you need to be able to see if you can talk to the principal Malmo didn't matter sir, my quantity equals MA him and Allah audit and allergy and Yanni today