Finding the Perfect Partner

Li

Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah and welcome to living Muslim. May Allah subhanho wa Taala reward you all for joining us. Today we're speaking about marriage and as marriage plays a very big role in the life of every single believer. We're here today to ask the question, what is the Hillel wedding? And how can I have a halal certified wedding? Joining me today in the studio is my very special friend and our very D guest chef Bilal Dunoon, who was also known on the streets as the love doctor Chef vilella. salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah and thank you so very much for joining us, when it comes Salama kettle and Jessica, mala halen, for having me on your show, Jeff, I feel I feel very special.

I'm falling in love all over again, just having you here. It's a real, it's a it's a real honor to have you share her marriage is a real big thing. And the wedding is a really big thing. But before we go to the wedding, I wanted to ask, what are the some of the things one should look for when they're looking for a partner when they're looking for a spouse? What are some of the high level things that people should be looking for? Absolutely, it's, it's very important that you are in a very healthy marriage, you don't want to end up in a toxic marriage, because that's going to have a ripple effect, it's going to affect every other part of your life is going to, it's going to accept

affect your emotional state, it's going to affect your physical state, it's going to affect your career. So you do want to be married to the right person. And you do want to do your due diligence or in other words, do your homework, making sure that you are marrying a person who's going to give you that happiness and that fulfillment that you're looking for, in your future. Somebody that, you know, if Allah is to bless you with children, you can say I honestly would love for my children to be like that person. So it is really, really important that you invest time, money, whatever it is, that's going to ensure that you're going to marry somebody who is a triple m, triple m a triple m,

that's right. A triple M is light in Russia, okay? This is like, This stands for Muslim marriage material. Okay? You want somebody seriously that, that is really going to make you feel good about you, you know, somebody that that is going to be your number one fan that you actually truly feel that that person is my number one fan. Gosh, this is too much man, do these people really exist? Absolutely, absolutely. But you just need to do your homework. I mean, let's think about it, brother hubless. I mean,

you know, we before we get into any career, we go to university, we go to school, we go to university, we go to college, we go to tape, so panela any any sort of work that you want to do any sort of career that you want to take that you ensure that you do your homework that you you get some training, you do some courses, and marriages, no difference in this day and age whereby, unfortunately, I know in the Western world, 50% 50% of marriages end up in divorce. Well, and these are people who, you know, who were very, very happy, you know, once upon a time, and then so and then they end up in divorce. And that can be quite devastating in many ways. How much should one

investigate? Or how high should the bar be? I know, sometimes people the criteria is so high, they never end up finding a partner. I think you need to be reasonable in your expectations. Generally speaking, the older you get the more pickier you become how high? Well, there's a saying that Subhan Allah that I endorse, and that is

prior to marriage, open up your eyes. 100% look for absolutely everything, ask all the questions that are important to you. But after marriage, close your eyes 50% because none of us are perfect. And a perfect marriage really is about two imperfect people that never give up on each other. So it's all about asking the right questions, asking, you know, asking, you know, having maybe a short list for yourself, knowing what you want. And as the saying goes.

If you don't know what you want, you're going to get what you don't want.

You with me? Yeah, you know, so you know, you want to make sure that that you are marrying that you put down even if you have to put it on a piece of paper. And take a note of the things that you do want and ask yourself, does this person meet the things that I really want in, in a marriage? But when it comes to engagement, what is the Islamic perspective of engagement? And how long should one be engaged for an engagement in Arabic is as known as the hip but not to be mistaken for the in a hot bath which is a sermon.

So the hits, but the engagement is whereby somebody a suitor, and then a boy, you know, who's ready to get married has come forward and asked for a woman's hand. And there's been an acceptance on the part of the woman and her family.

Once there is an acceptance that yes, we accept you to be in the process of now getting ready and getting to know our daughter, and then there is a marriage after that, then Subhanallah that actually is the engagement period and in during this period, the No, no other suitor can come along and ask for her hand. So that's what engaged means. So is that like, it's all put on hold? Yeah, absolutely. And she, and she can call it off, and he can call it off. As soon as there are some red flags, there might be some red flags, and either one of them or both of them, and they decided they're not compatible. And it's really important that just because you've made that commitment,

just because you've gotten engaged, it doesn't mean that you need to follow through, it doesn't mean that you have to That's it, follow through with this marriage, if you feel that you're not yourself around that person, if you don't feel comfortable. So there's no religious obligation, as in that there is no it's a very informal, it's a formal but informal agreement agreement at the same time, whereby, hey, this woman has been spoken of. So everybody back off, you know, that we're not, we're not accepting any more, you know, door knocking, so to speak, okay? And, and then until either she breaks it off, or he breaks it off. Because you do find that, and I've come across, you know, a few

of these scenarios where, you know, I'll come across a young guy who's really stressed out, and they'll say, you know, what's going on, and he's having some issues with his fiance, I guess, if you like, that's right.

But I cannot I feel that he feels that he's religiously obliged to marry her, simply because they're now engaged. So I think going back to what you were saying that you don't necessarily have to go through, rather, the engagement is a period to see, will this work out? Absolutely not? Absolutely. because how else are you going to get to know her from an Islamic perspective, and you're not allowed to be alone with her, you know, alone, you know, with with the opposite gender. So yes, the engagement period allows you to get to know this person. And you can ask all the questions that you want pertaining to your goals, your vision, your objectives. And you did ask a question earlier, it

How long should you be engaged for Islam did not specify a period of engagement. So as long as it takes to know that this person is the right person, as long as it takes for you to be maybe financially ready, okay. So there isn't a minimum number of, you know, days, weeks month, what have you. But then again, you don't want to be prolonging the process too long, as soon as you have determined and found that you know what this person is right for me, Chef, I just want to go back very quickly, you said something that

that engagement is a period where either the man or the woman can turn around and say, Look, this is not going to work. Now you do tend to find, unfortunately, you know, in our community that there is a big stigma for the woman, where you know, she doesn't want to go ahead with it, she's maybe not happy with the person, it almost becomes impossible for her to sort of speak up, what is the best way for a woman to turn around and say, Look, this is not going to happen? Is this something that she has to say directly to the, to the young men? Or? Or does she tell her father and then her father deals with it, whatever is going to be the best outcome for her with it. And it may be it may

be in her best interest to go through her father and say, Dad, look, things aren't really looking too good for this for this gentleman. And I'd like you to speak to him and tell him Look, that we've now we're pulling the plug in, in in the best possible way. And, and it's about accepting, and it's about moving on. And and and there's no hard feelings, usually no hard feelings, there shouldn't be any hard feel. Because again, you know, unfortunately, you do find that, you know, when an engagement doesn't work out, you do find that there is some bitterness, this family will no longer speak to this family anymore. And you know, it's like this really big. But I mean, from what you're

saying, one should just let it go and move on. Absolutely short term pain is better than long term pain. So you want to cut your losses, you want to basically you don't want to enter into a marriage, and then you're going to have to go through all the expenses. And, and, and and what comes, you know, with getting married and emotions and all of that and building all of that up and then and then saying, You know what? I never really wanted to be in this in the beginning. Well, why didn't you say something? Yeah, I think you need to be brave. I think couples in a fiance's need to be brave and say look, you know, I don't think you are right for me. I you're an excellent person. I

mean, you can have two beautiful people but they're just not compatible. Yeah. compatibility.

is very is something that the scholars of Islam have spoken about. And that compatibility is something that you will find out by discussing and having a dialogue about, you know, what it what is it that you know, that you really are looking for? In your marriage in your future? Okay, so I've chosen my partner, we've got engaged, we're happy, we're gonna go ahead with it. Excellent. Now where to from here?

You know, islamically? What's the difference between a kk get proctored? Right? And the wedding? Is there a difference between the two? is absolutely the the kk as you called it, or the cat Paki tab, also known formerly as the kneecap, okay, then the cat is the contract itself, the marriage contract itself, right? So islamically? Is that the word?

Only? I don't know if the word the word wedding is correct. But once I do that, are we islamically married as islamically? You are, but there may be some conditions, there may be some conditions whereby, okay, we've engaged in a in an Islamic contract, and then the care her Islamic contract means that there are there is the, you know, the Wali who is usually the father, if he's still around, you know, if he's not around, it could be her brother to represent her and then it needs to be some representation for for the woman, be it the father, be it the brother beat, the grandfather beat the paternal uncle, be it, you know, she could be a divorcee. And it could be her son. Okay, if

there's nobody to be her when he then it becomes the mmm or the chef or the celebrant, right? There has to be two Muslim male witnesses, there has to be a dowry or a Dao that's written down in the contract. So it's quite a serious engagement here. It's a formal, it's a formal contract. Now what happens?

Everybody's going to do a little bit differently, some people will, will have this contract done and they will have an actual party or a celebration of some sort. And then they just move out. That's it. It's done. That's really it's a combo. I think, you know, where exactly you know you do your cake a, you have a little bit of a ceremony and that ceremony, by the way, is known as the William the William it is the wedding feast or the banquet. And this is also part of Islam. It's a sonet to have a banquet. It's a Sunnah. And actually, according to some scholars, it's actually obligatory to publicly announce and declare that you're getting married in a marriage shouldn't be some secretive

thing that you know, that you do. And this reminds me of the Hadith that's found in Bukhari Hadith of the companion Abdullah bin outh. He came from from Mecca to Medina and then when he was in Medina, Subhana Allah he was actually offered somebody one of the unsired or the one who was a very rich man, there was a there was a man in from amongst the onside he offered he actually got offered one of his two wives back then they had you know, when the Muslims came to Medina, they had nobody and this man said, Look, choose one of my wife's off divorce and you can marry her after her head and say this man Abdurahman in half He said, No, no, no, I just want to go to the marketplace he

goes to the marketplace and he works for a few days and then you know, it comes back and says the prophet SAW Selim and and he's got this you know, yellow, yellow dust on him, you know in the scent. And the prophet SAW Selim says to him

Did you get married because it was a cultural thing that you you'd apply you'd cake on this this descent you know I mean, you know you can just like every groom you know puts on his you know, his best Chanel yeah you know, whether it's what is it I Chanel or

whatever it is that you put on

some panel so when that when the process of him he realized he realized that he had it on he goes, did you get married so you got married? He said What did you give her as a gift? He said I gave her some gold equivalent to the weight I think it was of a date or the date seed and then the process I sell him he said he said to him, Olin well I will be sure that give a wedding banquet or a wedding feast even if it's a sheep so that's that that's the actual the Islamic way that's the actual face now. So some people will do all together at once in some cultures they will do the kk as you said first and then they will actually do the winning face maybe they might even do that month down the

track. Because what see once you now islamically have gone into kk you can actually you know hold hands be alone go out and about you want to choose your furniture, you want to go to different receptions What have you so one can do his kk

and delay, say having his walima absent some time. So to maybe give a scenario maybe one you know he's got an engaged he likes his partner she likes her partner. There's really no reason for them to not get married, but they may be cannot afford to say let's say move out at the time. So they may do their kk then just to make all of them

The interactions Hillel absolutely and then maybe not move out into some time later where they may do a will Lima whatever it is six months or even a year down the track, this is fine. That's right. And some people some people might might do their kk for example today and then they will Lima tomorrow. Or they might do you know, far apart so it all works. Okay. But there's no there's no restriction. There's no hard and fast rule. But but the hard and fast rule is to be married there are certain requirements that you have to meet according to Islamic Sharia. Okay, and the sun there to celebrate your kk on your nikka is something called a willing a wedding or the wedding chef, the

golden question, what is a Halloween wedding? Or what is the ideal Halloween wedding? Well, I guess, what were some thoughts? I guess what we have to Yeah, I guess what we have to keep in mind here is the pleasure of Allah subhanaw taala always, always building out. Our found are found having strong foundations in everything that we do. Okay. And so, the same applies with a wedding with a wedding, you got to have like strong foundations. You don't want to build your marriage, on weak foundations on displacing a lot. Okay? You don't want to be doing things that bring about the anger of Allah at the end of the day. Who's going to bless your wedding. Lord, Allah subhanaw taala. Who's going to

bless your wealth? Allah subhanaw taala, who's going to bless you with children? Allah subhanho wa Taala. So we need to keep the end in mind always. So you don't want to get off the wrong foot. You don't want to do that. I mean, you know, we don't we don't want to go to the details now of you know, Muslims, generally speaking, they know what's highlighted. And they know it's Haram. As a professor Selim said Hillel is clear. And Haram is clear. Yeah, there are some doubtful matters. And when you are in doubt, ask in a pick up the phone call, call your local Imam or your chef, you know, pick up the phone or go to the nest, you go to the Islamic Center, ask, Hey, I'm about to perform in

a wedding. And I really want to please Allah subhanaw taala because I want him to bless my marriage. Like I want to be in a blessed marriage. You know, when you get married, as you know, Brother hubless, that when you get married, that you completing half of your faith half of your deen so you know, you do want to start

the biggest acts of a bear that you will probably.

And that's what the process sent him said, he said when the servant of Allah marries by doing so he perfects half of his Deen half of his religion, because there's a lot of things you cannot implement in the in till you get married. Absolutely, yeah, absolutely love the fact that you now that you are married, that you're responsible for your wife, you're responsible for, you know, your children, that the wife is also responsible towards her husband and her family. So an Islamic an ideal Islamic wedding is one whereby, you know, there is a feast, okay? You have invited your friends, you're not you're not and you're not restricting it to a certain cohort or group of people. So I'm only

inviting my rich friends, for example, because you know, they're going to bring me the good gifts, you're there, no flowers, no gifts.

You know, we've ordered those gift cards everywhere. You know what I mean? But, but you know, we want to invite everybody and we and we want to maintain that unity in the community and invite even you know, with Muslims, inviting non Muslims to our wedding. So they can see I've conducted many marriages, where there are non Muslims that are present. And they say, Wow, that was interesting. We never, we never, we never knew this, we learnt a lot today from this experience. So this experience, this wedding experience that you have,

and we're talking here about when and where in Australia, we're living in the West, you know, it's so important for the west to see our true colors. Who are we, you know, how do we celebrate? How do we celebrate, you know, and, and, and, and, and I think there's, there's a lot, there's a lot that they can learn that is a form of power in and of itself, you know, because the celebrant, usually we'll talk about, you know, beautiful things related to love marriage, the husband's rights, the wife's rights, the duties, how to maintain a very, very healthy marriage. And when people hear that and they go, Wow, we had a different image of Islam and marriages and and we get I get it all the

time, you know, people non Muslims coming up to me, Hey, you know, we never knew that. We didn't want to really expecting that we didn't know what to expect, you know, so Well, look, we are we are out of time. I really would like to thank you for coming in my last part Allah reward you, brothers and sisters, I guess there you have it, you know, marriage is a big thing. So please do take the time to think about who you're going to marry. And I think the golden rule here is, no one can sort of really tell you how to have your wedding and what you should and what you shouldn't do. But I think the golden principle is always ask yourself, would Allah be pleased with my gathering? Yeah.

So ask yourself, you know, at my wedding, if the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was to come as a guest, would he be pleased with this gathering? Would he be pleased with what's happening there? And I think that is the magic.

Hillel wedding, right? So if you want to make your you know if you want to make your wedding definitely halal certified, ask yourself will the Prophet smile If you came to this place? Or would he frown? We ask Allah Subhana Allah to bless all of our marriages to bless all of our weddings to make them as halal as possible. Once again, Chef, thank you so very much for coming in and up until next time assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa