12 questions to ask before marriage

Bilal Assad


Channel: Bilal Assad

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I have a lot of young people who asked me how do I get to know someone? What are the boundaries? Am I allowed to talk in private? When can I when can I not? Do the parents have to know? Am I allowed to talk on the internet? What are the limits? If I can? What are the things that I should be talking about? If I go to meet her, she meets me in what what are the circumstances? What should we talk about? What are the questions I should ask? What are the topics that we should talk about? Before I get married? Some people asked me, Is marriage necessary? Do I have to get married? Is it haram not to get married?

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Questions like, how do I get engaged? How do I ask for?

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You know, potential spouse? Some sisters say can I propose to the brother? So let's answer these questions and look at them in sha Allah, and share this piece of knowledge. My brothers and sisters, so steps to getting to know someone for marriage in Islam. The first thing I want to talk about is the ruling of marriage. Is marriage compulsory, or what is the story with it? Brothers and sisters, getting married has five cases and five rulings. Five.

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The first case it's compulsory, you have to the second case, it's recommended. You don't have to but better. The third case, it's neither recommended nor dislike, it's neutral. You want to do it, do it. You don't want to that's fine. The fourth case is it's disliked recommended not to get married, and the fifth case it's forbidden to get married. So what are these cases these scholars lot of people don't know this. The cases have been already this is a past dealt with issue in the books of fecund jurisprudence. The marriage is compulsory, when you have the means the financial, physical and mental capacity to get married.

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And you have a high testosterone level, or a temptation level or a lustful level that you feel you're going to fall into haram. You're going to fall into what we call fornication. Zina, you're going to go out with a girl and do things or the other way round.

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What do I mean by the other way round a system.

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So if you have the financial means and you're ready, you're mature enough mentally and physically enough financially enough, and you fear that you're going to fall into haram, then it becomes compulsory to get married, or you have already close to falling into haram or you're on the steps of falling to haram and you know yourself that if you don't get married, you don't have a partner soon to have Halal intimacy with them, then it becomes compulsory for that person to get married. Number two is recommended. And that is when you do have the means. And there's nothing stopping you. You have the financial means you have the ability, but your temptations. You don't fear upon yourself,

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you have control over yourself, you're not falling into haram, you're not in the steps of haram. So you're not in that case, you have good control over yourself that it's recommended to get married. The neutral way is when your finances are okay. And your temptations are okay. But your finances are not too high. And your temptations are not too high. But they're not too low in balanced them for this type of a person. And usually this neutral way is for more for older people that really just want a marriage for companionship and some intimacy, but not too much these people it's neutral. Everyone knows themselves. The disliked one is when a person does not have enough finances, but can

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get by day to day can get by minimum. And the temptations are so low that they know themselves there, they fear that they won't be able to satisfy a woman. So in this case, it becomes dislike but they're not very sure of themselves is quite low. And the Haram stage is when they are unable to provide for a family that if they were to get to get married, they know that they're going to cause oppression, they're going to victimize that lady that they're going to get married.

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So obviously because the man is responsible for financial

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provision and protection of the wife, therefore he is unable to provide for her. If he gets married to her, he's going to oppress her.

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And the temptations are low. So these people It's haram for them to get married, they should fast. Now some people they might mixed between they might say my finances are low, my if I get married, I might harm her but my temptations are so high. What do we do in these situations? We say getting married to her and not getting married is better.

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Because oppression and zulum is worse.

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Some scholars said if you have support get married or find another way of waiting because this is in the Quran. Allah says whoever does not find the means to protect themselves.

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pulls from falling into. So whoever does not have the means to get married, failure stuff if control yourself, hold yourself find some other means process and I'm said fast if it helps you until you are able to get married, because the limb oppression is one of the major sins even higher than a person committing a minus in or has a fear of falling into temptations. LOM of a person is worse, so it's better if you can to wait. So brothers and sisters, what you need to understand is that there are these five cases marriage is not always compulsory, not always recommended. Sometimes it's actually disliked sometimes very neutral. Sometimes it's haram. Especially It's haram, if a person

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has no drive whatsoever, and they're not going to be able to fulfill the wife's need, who they marry.

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Let's say someone who is in a disliked stage disliked, let's say they just want to get married to someone for companionship. But they don't really want to do much more than this person has to tell that person they're going to get married to that this is what they're like. So you might be asking, Are there men that way? Are they women that way? Yeah, there are people who are born with hormonal imbalances. And there are those types, there are men who are a bit more effeminate, and women will be more masculine, masculine. And this is generically Correct. Even in Islam, we know this. So in these are the five cases, I hope Insha Allah, I'll just leave it at that because that's not the main

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topic. But Inshallah, if you want to research more, it's there's heaps of that inshallah and all the schools of thought, you can look it up in sha Allah.

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From a reputable sources, Islam, web slam q&a, for example, and many other reputable websites. Number two brothers and sisters. The second thing I want to talk about, is I want to advise you about how to search for a spouse, and what are the boundaries and limits in accordance with Islam. In saying that, I need to talk about the reality of this world as well, for me to sit here and tell you the traditional traditional way, like the way they used to live in the past, and Mecca and Medina is impractical. I'm not gonna sit here making life so hard and telling you that you got to live like them,

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it would be ideal, that there is no communication between men and women who are not related to each other. And the way to get to know her or him is to go straight to the father when you hear about them. And that's the first place you see her and you talk under supervision, and so on and so forth. But in reality in our life, we have social media, we have the internet, you talk to the young people, teenagers, and if I'm going to sit there say, Don't talk, you can't talk boy can't talk to get a girl can't talk to boy, they might say to me in sha Allah, but they're gonna think it's normal. Boys talk to girls, girls, talk to boys, isn't that right? In school, they have group chats

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in the school, they're all together, they talk to sit there and say, Don't talk. It's not really gonna work.

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That's the reality. Some people may get upset with me and say, Why are you saying this? Inshallah, it's better to avoid it, brothers and sisters. But I'm saying in reality, in reality, people do talk. So instead of just cutting it off, and then doing it behind our backs, let's talk about a solution. Let's talk about employing. Let's direct them. Let's guide them. The idea with teenagers, if you're a parent, is to discuss with them why daughter, why son? What are the fears? What are the ramifications? What are the consequences of chatting with, you know, the with, you know, boys and girls chatting together on the internet and so on. Talk about the fears and ramifications, let them

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think have a discussion. Because you can't have control over, especially with teenagers, you have less control over them. So the scholars of today have spoken and said, look,

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the minimum minimum if a person truly has good intentions for marriage, and they can talk with the person respectfully, they know themselves and they can respect the boundary so it doesn't become inappropriate between them. And it's truly for marriage. They can talk unnecessarily, as much as it needs to be, but to try their best to move from that step to the next step. Some sisters asked me when is a God when How do I know a guy is playing me? How do I know a guy is just wasting my time. We say Well, there are a few signs. One of the signs is one person said to me, bro, it's easy. Just tell her to tell him

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this is my dad's number. Give my dad a call. We'll talk over there. That's the easy way. And that's the way to know if he's serious or not. If he starts wiggling around and making excuses, you know he's not really serious. But then there are some brothers they say look, let me just talk for a bit and

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Just before I go and make everything seriously very scared, they start getting stomach aches, and they start getting all these problems I understand. And you know, you can try, the sister knows that he's playing her, I think when she asks important questions, you know, like, Look, I'll only talk twice or three times, I am interested in marriage. But after that, you know, I, I'm going to tell my parents about this. And then if he starts wiggling around and changing the appointments, and wants to keep talking and talking, then you know that this guy is trying to play games, honestly, brothers look,

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look at your own sister or your own daughter, how would you like them to be treated? So really, you're going to use the brain, rather than here or somewhere else you need to use the brain, brothers and sisters, it's very important that we respect each other.

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So these are the types of people when and also when they are very, they hide everything. So they're very private, they won't give, you know, they won't say who they are. Really, sometimes they use nicknames. They ask pressing questions, and the guy doesn't really is always hiding or the girl is always hiding things. So you can tell that they're wiggling around this is just playing games. This is not serious. My brothers sisters, I advise you, please stay away from these types of toying with each other.

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I don't want to start with all the stories, because I want to get to the important part. However, there are many stories out there where things went really wrong. Shame is going down the drain, shame is going down the drain, self respect, modesty, everything that was considered

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harmful to each other from a sexual sense has become normalized. We don't have to be like that. Allah Subhana. Allah created us. Those sisters are his property, Allah's property, he created them. And we are Allah's property, we have to respect the last property. We have to respect them. I have seen many young people where they start chit chatting and talking and they keep going on and on. What do you think it's going to take you after two or three or four chats, it's going to lead to something else if you don't start taking it seriously, the joking starts coming in, the essential will talk comes in, you start to let your hair down. I've heard about you know, sisters who come

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crying to me saying young girl young, you know, ladies, teenagers, they come for counseling and talk to because I teach them and some of them who are older adults, they say to me, you know, this guy, I thought he was interested, he asked me for some pictures, I sent pictures without my hijab and I sent other things. And then the guy just left me or was lying to me. Some of them they say I found those shared my pictures with friends and with other people. And really that's that's often what is happening. My advice to you brothers and sisters, is this first of all to the sister, one of the best ways if he starts talking like that, say well you know would you accept for your sister to talk

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the way we're talking? Test him out, see if this is okay, since you're talking to them, test them out. Now I'm not talking about when friends at school talk to each other. You've got a group chat boys and girls talk about the weather or studies. It's not haram to do that someone has everything is in boundaries, inshallah. And you're not private, only together. So it's okay. Sometimes you may text each other even privately, what have we got for work tomorrow? If it's innocent, respectful, it's still okay. But my advice to you is share this with your parents, like talk to your mom and dad, or just talk to your mother if you're a teenager, and just let them be on your side in the

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picture because they can give you great advice. Okay.

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Now, obviously, there are exceptions, some parents

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can be violent or something so you gotta be careful with that. But in general, if it's something respectful and innocent, one off to off something about study something, it's not a big deal, insha Allah and Islam it's not a sin. However, when it comes to marriage, and you're serious about it, my advice to your brothers and sisters is do not approach marriage until you are ready.

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Don't sit there like you're in.

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You're still 1617 years old, you're probably not gonna get married until 567 years later. And you want to hold on to that person and say they're gonna go away. You're not gonna get married until six years later. You're not serious right now. No one's going to go to anyone's house. No one's going to tell the parents no one's going to take anything seriously. So what are you going to do in five or six years? I'm talking to Muslims here. Because there are non Muslims who don't understand what I'm what I'm saying. However, in Islam, we still hold on to these values and 100 leather respect between the man and the woman when it comes to physical contact and sexuality. We still have that

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Alhamdulillah and Christianity used to be back in the 50s. I remember watching a an interview with a young girls 15 or 16 Subhanallah old in the 50s vintage type of audio interview, and she says I will never have a boyfriend ever. I will stay a virgin until I get married. These were the principles throughout history, but only now after the 60s and 70s Did we have

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of nudity and shamelessness, and all this sexuality start to come out Subhanallah brothers and sisters, it's very important when you're ready insha Allah make the move. If you're not ready, what are you doing for 567 years? Allahu Allah and what's going to happen in that time? My advice to you is when you're ready financially, mentally, physically, then insha Allah make the move. And in sha Allah Jota Isla, there's little room to keep mucking around, keep spending times peep, I said, em, mucking that's an Ozzy word that please don't misunderstand me. So Stop fiddling around and playing around games, get get serious inshallah as much as you can. Brothers and sisters, let's move on to

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the next path. Inshallah. I'll leave some room for questions later on, because I know, I'm just touching on every bit. And I know that you've got questions.

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marriage here in Australia, I have to say that by law, you have to be 18 to get married. And you need a court order if you're 16. So there has to be a reason to get married and go and get a court approval if you're 16 to get married. Alright, so I have to say that it's illegal to get married under that age. But here's the point when you're ready, insha Allah make the move.

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Number three brothers and sisters, seeing the potential spouse, a lot of people ask me if I'm interested in someone, especially men, they say what can I see of her? Am I allowed to go and see her hair? Am I allowed to ask if she wears hijab? Can? Can she? I mean, in this day and age Subhanallah, nearly everything is already out there. Right? Do you agree with me? Nearly everything is out there seriously, I have to be honest, social media is full of our sisters and brothers already out there. Really. There's there's nothing left to the imagination these days. But let's get technical. If you do find somebody who is fully clothed in the way that you know, the hijab should

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be and you want to see her without a hijab. For example, are you allowed for the purpose of marriage? The answer to that is, the majority of scholars say you can only see her face and hence.

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But there is the humbly school which I follow. And other scholars, traditional scholars who said that based on the evidence, in the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam when he said to jabber a companion, see of her what would entice you to marry her? What are you looking for? And the scholars said, the middle opinion is that you can see of her with her wellies permission who is the Welly the Welly is her father, or a brother, somebody who is in her family was a man to see of her, or with her permission. See of her, her hair,

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her arms and a bit of her legs, her neck of what her brother or father or uncle can see. What can a father uncle see below from the knees and below the arms up to the shoulders, the neck area, and the hair and ears. Those are the things that the father and brother are really technically should see of their daughter or their or their sister and so on.

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Even some scars is a minority opinion, but it is it's unfounded. They say that you can see more than that. And we say no, this knows the majority of scholars, and obviously the evidence is not there. So you can't just because there'll be use and abuse after that. So anyway, the point is, it is recommended in Islam to see the person you want to marry, meet them, talk to them, and take your time brothers and sisters take your time in meeting and getting to know the spouse, the potential spouse, don't rush it. That's my advice to you crucial advice. Take your time. Until insha Allah you've gone through the questions and the discussions and the investigations. When I say

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investigator I'm not saying that the police are interrogator. You're nice, friendly, respectful. Research about one another you have to don't leave it till after you get married. Do all the research that you need to do that you would like to know about before you get married, I'll give you a hint they are the things which if you did not know about them and knew about them later on in the marriage, it would be detrimental for you you would most likely start to leave the marriage or it will cause tension in your marriage. You need to look for those things. And that means every person knows themself what is it that's important to you in a marriage? What is it that's important to you

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and potential wife or their potential husband? Know yourself first know what your values are? Know what you're looking for know what you can handle and what you cannot handle. Look at your own family and think okay, what what's a good husband or wife for me in the family dynamics that I have what's a good husband or wife for me in the way that I my ambitions, my goals who I am, how I spend my time

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you know all these things, know yourself and then count about six or seven of them and say okay, these are my

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Seven crucial red lines. If they exist, I can't go ahead with the marriage. One brother, he said to me, brother, for me, it's

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if she doesn't have hijab,

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so okay for you, brother, then I advise you to marry someone who already has the hijab. That's the safest thing. Because what if she promises and wants the widow by God humbler? That's good, you can still go ahead and go, but your chances are less now. I know I do marriages for people. And I can see sometimes my advice, I'm not saying you have to my advice to you as your brother, look for what you really want. And look for that person who's already like that. That's my advice to you. You don't have to go by it. But from my experience in marrying people a lot and counseling them.

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Whatever you're looking for, that's important to you go and look for it that's already there and established.

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Changing someone or someone promising you that will change is less likely to happen. And if it happens, most people do it for for you or you do it for them. When the love starts to fluctuate, or you go into conflicts, those things they changed. Often they leave it those are the first things they leave out because they did it for you. Or you did it for them. And I've seen this happen a lot. When people said I changed my life for you. I did this even if it's let's say praying, someone starts praying and you get into the marriage and says Masha, Allah, I'm praying, we're gonna go to gender together. conflicts happen, says first thing they leave is prayer. Why? Because they have a

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resentment. So I changed for you. I don't want to remember it. Some people do that Subhanallah and some people listen, see, I've seen people mashallah they're genuine, sincere. But my advice to you and you don't have to take it is look for the person that you already want. And just if it's established, if you can, as much as you can, if not Insha Allah, you just need to have more conversations about it. And whatever happens later on, you can't put too much blame. So I know for example, you know,

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a brother who got married to a sister who didn't have the hijab, and she said, insha Allah one day, and then 234 or five years passed, and still she wasn't ready. And he started getting frustrated calling me says I want a divorce. I said, Brother, you gotta take it easy. You came and married this sister, she's a good wife to you. She's a good daughter to her family, she's respectful, she you know, you've got kids, she treats them and goes, yes. I said, Look, you know, you got married with that risk. You're gonna have to be patient with that insha Allah make dua and continue with her so long as you know, you've got kids, you've got love between you insha Allah macdon. SHA, Allah,

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you'll get this one that one sister said he doesn't wake up for Fudger. I said, Subhan Allah. And did you know that before you said, Yes, but he said he will change in time has said make up for him and share a lot you have kids? Does he treat you well? Does he look after does he protect you says yes. I said, Look, just make dua for him, keep advising him and let him be. So in this situation, when he says you got to understand you're taking a bit of a risk, and that it just needs you need to be patient later on. Brothers Sisters, having said this.

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I talked about online, if it's respectful. And I would like to advise teenagers and people who had been married before or adults, people who are adults, you know, talking about 2730 years old, because younger people still like it or if you have experience in relationships before maybe it'd be married before speaking to somebody and you initiating it is more acceptable? And it would work because Rasul Allah Selim even said, and he said,

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a 30 year bull Oh, will there be enough see how I mean whether you have if a woman, for example, has been married before he said, she has more right over herself and knows herself better than her Welly than her father or her brother, whoever is so initiating and asking for marriage. And look, imagine speaking to someone with respect, he is allowed. But my advice to you is that if you don't have experience much still very young, you're a teenager, you're 19 you're 20 you're 21 Get your parents involved, as fast as you can. They will advise you better brothers and sisters, because I've seen a lot of young people before, before the logic kicks in their emotions kick in and when the emotions

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kick in, they can be very diluting emotions can be very deluding. Especially when it's the horror comes in and give you a given it gets more complicated, you know, it's the harder people start to attach. Because what happens is the emotions delude you to think that that is the horror and the dreams that you're having and the feelings they were having are really from God, but really, it's your feelings and emotions and your attachments. So anybody who meets someone for too long, what happens if their attachments get too strong, and when the attachment gets too strong or too big, you can't think up here very well. without going too much detail in that I'm just giving you that little

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piece of advice insha Allah Who dial next,

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the ways you can find somebody

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you can approach that person, you can ask them in a non threatening way. In a non

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freaky way in a non awkward way?

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Non creepy way because if you just see someone for the first time you saw at the shopping center come up to she's taking money out of the ATM. Hey, sister you interested in marriage? It's not going to work. Is this just gonna freak out?

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Or the other way sister comes because Hi Sam. I like are you interested in marriage brother? I mean, it doesn't work though. So you got to it's not haram. But it's creepy. You know what I'm saying? So be a bit smooth Muslim can be smooth, but not in a haram smooth way. In a hello Smith way. One brother said to me brother, Allah, hey, there is a sister at uni, I'm going to meet her. Back in uni. My days, we this is what we did as well, you go to the prayer room at the university. And that's what I advise all young people if you go to university, all right, we'll take a look for the prayer room, the Muslim prayer room, I promise you man, the resources there are amazing. And the

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brothers and sisters that you meet there, some of them could even be your professors, right? Fourth year in your course, they will give you guidance, they will teach you things. And I've seen people getting married from meeting potential spouses, they're in a halal oil hamdulillah in a controlled environment. And there are people that who would advise you and guide you, you know, you have some people that who are like uncles, and aunts they can in the university and you have brothers and sisters. So we used to sometimes I had a brother who one brother said, can I ask this sister I said, Well,

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if you're bold enough and courageous enough, you can

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approach her and kindly ask her in an indirect way if you can sort of be smart about it. Or you can send the maybe a family member or a sister if you have or a cousin who can talk to her or maybe a friend who knows her or relative versus there's nobody else that lucky you can approach it's not a problem, or maybe send a letter, found out her email, maybe send an email or something like that Hamdulillah. And a lot of them they approach and they talk and it works out and handling and they get to know the family. But the point is rather than sisters. And in Islam, it's not that strict and rigid. You can make moves so long as it's respectful. And it's not in seclusion. So you and her or

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you and him alone in one little room. It's not allowed in Islam.

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At the mosque, ask your friends, ask, look in gatherings of occasions, take recommendations, seeing them in a shopping center, maybe you can try and find out. If you have someone with you. If you have a cousin or someone or something like that or they work there. Maybe you can get someone to indirectly ask them

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you know, so Subhanallah online, you can even do that if you like but just be cautious with people online.

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There are some matchmaking places Muslim matchmaking places that people have told me about him. I don't recommend them because unfortunately a lot of men go on there, they waste our sisters time. But I mean just be cautious and be careful you haven't done any sin it's not your fault.

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So Insha Allah, this is open. Now brothers and sisters, here are some important matters if you've decided to get married and you know who you want to go and ask for right from the beginning.

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These are important matters that you got to keep in mind that you want to find out about each other. Don't just jump into it with emotions and feelings. Because he's got a nice jawline

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or his beard is like a lion and so beautiful and it just blows in the air.

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Or a sister Masha Allah, look at those eyes, those lips, Nana, brother and sisters. All of this look at that sweet talk. Look at his these things, brothers and sisters. They're later Later.

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Later you can talk about them. That's when you get married and and these are things you keep to yourself. Every person has their own type of beauty. Not every men look at beauty in the same way not every woman look at beauty in the same way. Everyone has their own sense of beauty. Allah here I know men who love nothing else with the neck of a woman would you believe that? That's what they love that some people love the fate. Would you believe that? Do you believe me? You don't believe me? I don't care if you don't believe me. It's the truth. There are studies about it guys.

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Man, we live in times where people fall in love with their table and chair.

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Would you believe that? Yeah. They fall in love with their phone they call it their wife or their husband will lie with animals. Sorry about that. But Allah will live in these times. Unfortunately in one day I have to talk about this. Unfortunately, something

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as silly as that we need to talk about. I remember once a school wanted to visit the mosque

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and they came along they had some teenage girls with them 1514 And the teacher goes Vanessa

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here, Stacy here. chair and table Wallahi said chair and table says we call and chair until

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Who says yeah, they identify as a chair and table.

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It took us seriously.

00:30:06--> 00:30:08

Anyway, let's move on.

00:30:09--> 00:30:13

So beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That's what I'm trying to say.

00:30:14--> 00:30:15

Let's move on inshallah.

00:30:17--> 00:30:26

Now my advice to you when you talk, and we'll go through these. I'm going to give you 13 topics of discussion,

00:30:27--> 00:30:42

to plan to talk about Insha Allah, you don't have to talk about them all at once. It's not an interrogation. Number one, what do you think of this? Number two? Number three, number four? No, you don't have to do that. As you go and visit a new car. And my advice to you is to visit her at her parents house.

00:30:43--> 00:30:50

visit each other at family situations, because you get to know more about the person in their

00:30:52--> 00:30:55

uncomfortable zone, or the zone where everybody knows you.

00:30:57--> 00:31:20

So what I'm saying is get these topics 13 questions or discussions, to plan to talk in the course of getting to know that person. It's up to you which one you want to choose how you want to say it. Insha Allah who died is there's no there's no easy way of opening up any topic these days. Because when you when you want to get married, butterflies are in the stomach. You're nervous. You're sweating. Right?

00:31:22--> 00:31:49

One brother, he was so nervous. He didn't get to know this woman for so long, right? For more than one day. His mother said to him, she is good for you, son. So if you say she's good to me, I don't even need to look at it. So they go and do the wedding. The first time he saw her was on the wedding day. He was happy. On the nights when they went home. He didn't know what to say because they haven't talked to you. So he kept looking upwards and sweating and then he goes to her. So how's your mother?

00:31:51--> 00:31:52

How's your mother?

00:31:54--> 00:32:00

So this is why you need to talk in get comfortable a little bit in a supervised environment.

00:32:02--> 00:32:22

Best to talk about yourself first. My advice to men is to talk about yourself first. Now obviously there are extrovert men. Introverted men, there are shy men and outward men. Sometimes the women are like that. One time I was doing a marriage for a couple. And the brother he looked shy the sister she was talking

00:32:24--> 00:32:25

and then I said brother Yanni.

00:32:27--> 00:33:03

Some don't always buy her flowers. Sometimes you can do some recreational activity with her. You know, buy some chocolates together with Anna she jumped out she goes, who told you I like chocolates and flowers, man. That's how she says it. I don't like chocolates and flowers. Go What do you like there's a lot going on motorbikes on skiing and all that stuff. I said, Well, that's your right word. There it goes. I love that said Go Go for it. So brothers and sisters, you got to understand each other's language anyway. So once you start, it's nice. I say men, you can start off a conversation and start off with icebreakers.

00:33:04--> 00:33:27

Something everybody talks about talk about the weather, crack a joke, compliment something in their house around or try to avoid complimenting features at the moments leave that to later. Talk about things that are neutral, you know icebreaker, there is a nice little book that talks about communicate. There's lots of books to talk about communication, get a book to learn about communication, read a few pages and go in. Inshallah that's a good idea.

00:33:29--> 00:33:33

So the first thing, one of the one of the things to talk about is

00:33:35--> 00:33:38

how you view marriage life.

00:33:39--> 00:33:55

You can ask her or she asks you, you ask him, How do you view marriage? Like what's marriage life to you? How do you? How do you envision marriage? What's marriage to you? How do you see a husband to be in a wife? How do you think their relationship should be? How did how should they what is marriage life to you?

00:33:56--> 00:34:33

What is family marriage life? How do you see it? You can start by saying, can I talk? You can say for example, you know, I grew up thinking of marriage in you know that it's like this, and I look at my parents and this is the view I have about marriage. Sometimes opening this up will entice the other person to project and to mirror you and to sort of talk as well. So talking about marriage life is a discussion that you need to bring up some way or another and start your conversations of course sentence starters around that topic and then you branch off and have a nice conversation. Another time you can talk about a second thing I think these are crucial points. A second one is

00:34:34--> 00:34:37

what qualities would you like to see in a spouse?

00:34:39--> 00:34:53

Or you might start with yourself and say you know qualities I like to see in a spouse that people always ask me this question they say what qualities do you like to see in a spouse so you can see I'm talking right now to is very casual. Don't make the person feel intimidated or anything like that. Try as much as you can.

00:34:54--> 00:34:59

And then she or he will say what do you what do you like seeing and as well because they're also ready to know to write and you say well

00:35:00--> 00:35:18

This is what I like in a spouse, I like to say this or that, and they talk about the things that you like to see, every person is different, and then the other person will talk to you. So that's another topic to ask and talk about. Number three, you need to talk about each other's family dynamics. You have to have to have to bring family and culture into it.

00:35:19--> 00:35:55

We don't have this Hollywood movie, where it's just Romeo and Juliet, they ended up killing each other. We're gonna we're going to talk about Hollywood movie where in the end, they live happily ever after. And they walk together in the sunset, as if there's no one in the entire world, but then to Subhanallah them to in the sunset. know, when you get married, you know, just two people get married. Families are coming together, cultures are coming together. Sometimes even whole tribes are coming together, depending on where you're coming from. So you come into the whole marriage, you're into the whole family, you need to know who you're dealing with the in laws, the family, you're

00:35:55--> 00:36:28

gonna have children, insha, Allah, those children, they want their grandparents, they want their uncles and aunts, you gotta look at family. What's the dynamics in your family? And while you're talking about that, talk about how do you get along with your family? What's your relationship with your mom and dad, your siblings, you can start talking about yourself, say, gosh, you know, I've got a brother, we are so close. Me and my sisters were kind of talk about that and open these discussions. Talk about culture. I remember once I did a marriage for a couple, and the sister The wife said to me,

00:36:29--> 00:36:37

Brother, what's this said, One just got a baby with her and another child over there. I'm thinking, here we go. She said, I never knew

00:36:39--> 00:36:43

that every Wednesdays, we have to go to his father's house for a barbecue.

00:36:45--> 00:36:49

So he never talked about this before in evidence, because now, every Wednesdays

00:36:50--> 00:36:59

he has wanted to go every Wednesday, just father. He turns around and goes Brother, brother, ask her Wallahi from day one, we got married every Fridays. We have to be at her father's house.

00:37:01--> 00:37:30

I said so what? So what if you go? Don't you love your husband? Yes. Don't you love you? Why? Because Why did you do it? He says, What are you doing? Because offer him? I said all right, well, then how I'm doing that's what marriage is about. It's about giving and taking, give a little bit of yourself, he gives a little bit of himself. You have to compromise a little bit. Some things you might be uncomfortable with for the sake of your marriage, do it. That's what marriage is about. But anyway, you got to talk about these things culture. One brother said, I have this a lot of brothers, they talk about this panel. And that's another question. And that is about living arrangements.

00:37:30--> 00:37:36

living arrangements and family dynamics are very close. Some cultures are very strict.

00:37:38--> 00:37:53

And they put pressure on the son that he and his wife, the daughter in law must live with their parents. And this is a very hot topic for a lot of people. And I can tell you outright brothers and sisters, that Islam does not recommend

00:37:54--> 00:38:06

for couples to live to, for the daughter for the father, or sorry, the husband, to pressure his wife in living with his parents, or with anybody else.

00:38:07--> 00:38:10

A wife has a right to her own dwelling

00:38:11--> 00:38:19

to her own little dwelling. Even if it's in the back. Let's say there's a granny flat the point is it's her own. She has her own privacy, her own home.

00:38:21--> 00:38:27

That's the therapy for a wife and to make her home nice and she is the queen of the house. She does whatever she wants.

00:38:29--> 00:38:31

Brothers Sisters, it's actually oppression and Ludlum,

00:38:32--> 00:38:33

zoom in Islam

00:38:35--> 00:38:51

to pressure or forced the wife to live with your parents. Some people might say but what if we're in financial difficulty? I say to you, that's why you have the period of engagement you need to talk about these. These are crucial points to talk about. You must talk and agree on them. And

00:38:52--> 00:39:29

for right from the beginning, very important brothers sisters, I've seen many fights happen between mother in law, daughter in law, sometimes she wants to put a hijab on maybe if she doesn't wear the hijab, she can't feel comfortable. The brothers come in the brother in law's come in sometimes the sister in laws, everybody visits the parents house, she has no privacy. Sometimes they clash mum wants you to organize the house this way she can't do anything they clash. Brothers and sisters, this is important to know and show and have good conversations with your parents. While I see this all the time happening. Tears cries tension, separation and divorce as a result of not talking about

00:39:29--> 00:39:33

living arrangements, and dynamics of family and all that.

00:39:34--> 00:39:43

My brothers and sisters some people they say to me, but if we talk about that too tense we start fighting us it's better fighting now than when you get into your marriage and fight. That's the whole point of engagements or point of meeting and talking.

00:39:45--> 00:39:47

Right. Let's move on to another one.

00:39:48--> 00:39:50

How you each spend your free time.

00:39:52--> 00:39:59

So what are your hobbies? Do you do community service work? Do you like going to the movies do you watch things they like going on Netflix

00:40:00--> 00:40:06

Do I go on social media? Do you have Facebook? What do you do? What pictures do you like putting on these are very important to talk about in this day and age.

00:40:08--> 00:40:15

You might even talk about what's cheating to you when it comes to social media. It's very important. Some people are very, very sensitive about this point.

00:40:16--> 00:40:54

So discuss these matters about social media, what you like and dislike, and they can talk to you as well. We move on finances, you must open away to talk about finance, if you can't talk together, talk with her father, as a man, or talk with the brother, or maybe get someone else to talk with her or someone else to talk with him. But you must talk about Finance, Financial arranges, maybe as you get more comfortable to talk and share later on. You can talk about financial management, for example, work, managing the money, is that your money and my money together? Or is it your money is my money and my money is your money is my money? Let me repeat that? Is it your money and my money

00:40:54--> 00:40:59

together? Or is it your money? And my money? Or is it

00:41:00--> 00:41:03

your money is my money and my money is my money?

00:41:04--> 00:41:23

So how it goes? Yeah, it doesn't matter which one you want to go with? So long as you agree, have fun, whatever you like, I'm not going to tell you whose money to but honestly, I just want to say something that would your money when when in Islam. I've even heard speakers say this.

00:41:25--> 00:41:26

And everybody claps for them.

00:41:29--> 00:41:39

Look at Islam, they say how many rights the woman has they say it's true. They have a lot of rights. They have equal rights to men equal, but not exactly the same, but they are equal in number. However,

00:41:41--> 00:41:50

they come and tell you look at the woman her money is her money. And his money is her money. Everybody claps that's not true.

00:41:51--> 00:42:03

I'll tell you it's not true. That's not what Islam says. What Islam says is, her money is her money. That is true. But not all of his money is her money, part of it. And it's not money.

00:42:04--> 00:42:19

What the husband has to do is that he must provide for his wife and his children, all their needs of living shelter, clothing, food, protection, security, their needs.

00:42:21--> 00:42:31

He is responsible for their needs and their livelihood. Depending on how generous he is, the more generous he is, the better of a husband he is. That's from Allah subhanaw taala. He praises the husband is generous.

00:42:32--> 00:42:43

By the way, you need to talk about finances, you will understand how generous the person is how they spend their money. Are they good at finances? Are they not? And this is a very crucial point to understand these dynamics.

00:42:44--> 00:42:51

So Ron sisters, he is responsible part of his wealth to go into his family, but not all of it. Same with the wife keeps her money.

00:42:53--> 00:42:54

Moving on.

00:42:57--> 00:43:15

Just on the side point, I remember a couple. They were arguing about money. And the sister said, If my husband lends someone money, should he tell me should I know? Should I know where the money is going? I said, Look, this is an agreement between you two. But in my opinion,

00:43:16--> 00:43:42

you should know as a wife. Why? Because sometimes you don't know who's gonna die. And there's inheritance properties, doesn't the wife need to know what's going on what's happening? For example, She has a right to part of that wealth if there was inheritance. So if a person has a trusting wife and a trusting husband and trust is the first thing, there's nothing wrong with saying talking about money and wealth and so on.

00:43:45--> 00:43:51

If you don't trust them, while you can do some other things, you can do what that soccer player did. What's his name?

00:43:53--> 00:43:54

Hakimi? What did you do?

00:43:56--> 00:43:58

You know what he did? What did he do?

00:44:03--> 00:44:35

Yeah, he gave all his money to his mom. Unbelievable. Anyway, what I'm gonna I'm not going to comment about that. I'm going to tell you run the sisters. Trust is very important. Before you get married to someone, you need to know if you can trust this person. So that's where you talk about these matters. If there is no trust, there is no relationship as you can see. You're not happy. You're too scared to show your finances. You're too scared to go and come you're too scared to do anything because you don't trust each other. So trust, transparency, time talking and tolerance is important in a marriage. The five T's

00:44:36--> 00:44:43

another thing to open up is your social life. Talk about your social lives. Introvert, extrovert.

00:44:44--> 00:44:59

These are very important. Knowing a person's friends is very important. Because the friends can tell you a lot about yourself and usually you got to investigate a good thing is to look on social media. Ask other people about them. There's nothing wrong with that. Number eight

00:45:00--> 00:45:41

Talk about children, having children, and raising them, educating them, and very importantly, naming them. I'll repeat it, naming them. When I say, naming them, this is a big thing. I've seen couples fall apart over the naming of a child. Some people are very strict with culture. And some people their parents are they interfere too much. That's why when I told you talk about family and and how they are, you'll open up these other areas that will tell you a lot about the person and yourself. Look, there's no right or wrong answer here, brother and sisters, I'm not telling you what the answer should be. What we're telling you is these are factors that you guys need to learn about, and

00:45:41--> 00:46:19

then decide go home, think about them, and then make a decision. Don't be hasty. But naming a child. Do you want children to first year second year? What do you think about children? How many children do you anticipate having? You can't say, well, that's up to Allah? subhanaw taala? Well, okay, it is up to Allah. But Annie, do you like having children? Do you not like having children? First year second year? What do you want to do? So these things open up a great discussion, naming a child is very important. I've seen couples they fall apart because the father or the mother the pressure, for example, the son to name the child after the dad's name. In my culture, it's I've got a culture like

00:46:19--> 00:46:32

that up in a village in Lebanon, you got to incent a lot of Arabs, they got his name, the first child of the first oldest son by the Father, the grandfather's name. And if you don't, you're like almost an outcast, or you're frowned upon, or they always look at you differently.

00:46:34--> 00:47:03

So you got to talk about whether this is a big thing in your in your culture, or whether it's not, you might have a spouse or a future wife who says to you, no, I think a mother should name the child. I carried him I did. And I will tell you a lot about her about her personality and how she thinks was she's good for you or not. So brothers, sisters, these are important. And the last thing last three things Insha Allah, ask about future ambitions and goals, especially Korea. How important is your career to you? My career is like this.

00:47:04--> 00:47:36

Very importantly, also to ask about number 10, health issues, health issues, disabilities, if you're embarrassed to talk about them, get someone else to explain that to them. It's very important when the sisters, you don't want to get married. And later on, you find out severe health issues or deformities or disabilities. That's haram in Islam to hide these things. I've had cases like that before. And they say, well, the brother who married her he hid something he hid, that he used to have another mistress. And he had two children from her.

00:47:37--> 00:48:04

And they wanted to get divorces says no, you know, you gotta give me the murder. Another another brother married another sister, and she had another deformity. She didn't tell him about it because I was embarrassed. It's none of your business. And why can't you accept me that way? It's a right of both the husband and wife to know, anything that will place a tension on the marriage in relation to their personal self. Number 11. The past?

00:48:08--> 00:48:24

I know, you've probably looked it up. A lot of chefs and Imams said it's not anyone's business to know about your past. Allah forgives all sins. Yes, that is true. That is true. People should not expose their past since that is true. That is a general blanket rule. But I'm going to just let you think about something.

00:48:25--> 00:48:33

You know yourself. Some sins of the past are not that easy to just dismiss.

00:48:34--> 00:48:45

Stay with me. Stay with me with me. Okay. Some sins of the past between telling a potential spouse cannot be easily dismissed. You have to think

00:48:46--> 00:48:59

is that sin of my past? Going to show up in my marriage again? Does it have the potential? I'll give you an example. If a person used to be on drugs before, and they were addicted, and it was hard.

00:49:00--> 00:49:02

How long ago was it?

00:49:03--> 00:49:09

If drugs can come back into the marriage, not in the beginning.

00:49:10--> 00:49:11

But later on it can.

00:49:13--> 00:49:39

Because people take drugs often either for recreation, or when they get addicted. It's becomes mental issues, depression and all of that stuff. In a marriage is going to be ups and downs. A person can resort back to the drugs. Is it important to talk about it? In my opinion, Wallahi you don't have to take it, it's important to talk about it. But of course, there has to be respect and people have to cover up for their sins. Sometimes a person may have had multiple relationships in the past

00:49:44--> 00:50:00

now it's up to you to say it or not say it's not a problem. I had a few young people couple who call me and say look, you know, this guy's asked for Mr. Lister and sister said Uh, guys asked for me, even brothers. They say to me, I want to ask for this sister but you know, I had a girlfriend before and

00:50:00--> 00:50:06

I'm, and I've committed Zina a few times and sister says things have happened, what should I do?

00:50:08--> 00:50:29

And, look, you don't have to say it outright, you can hint it, you can send someone to say it in a different way. I've helped a few young people when they've come to me and I said, Look, you know, if you want, I can talk to the person. And I've done it before, in a very respectful and in a way that is a hint without putting the other person on the spot. Now, the reason we say that sometimes what happens

00:50:31--> 00:51:08

if you get married? And that is something that is important to you, if you want to ask that question, you can ask that question. But the other person does not have to answer the question. And then it's up to you if you want to go ahead or not. Let's say they asked you the question says, Look, my sins are in the past, I don't want to talk about them. Well, that's up to sorry, I scared you. Well, the other person can say, well, you know, I don't want to go ahead, or you go ahead at your own risk. However, talking about it, I think is important even in some way. I know couples who got married later on. And when they found out about their past, they came back pictures came up

00:51:08--> 00:51:13

things like that. And it caused it caused the trauma, you know, between them distrust.

00:51:14--> 00:51:16

So sometimes I say

00:51:18--> 00:51:19

it's good.

00:51:20--> 00:51:55

And at times I say, maybe, and at times I say it's none of their business. It's none of their business. If it's totally in the past, you've got people, for example, have converted to Islam reverted to Islam, or people who repent to Allah and the other person who is asking for them. They know that they had, you know, an unbelieving life or they were in a sinful life, you don't have to talk about the details. You can say, look, I lived a sinful life. And I didn't know and I have repented. That's it. You don't have to say much more than Insha Allah, but just remember this, anything you know, that will creep in from the past into your marriage later on? That, you know,

00:51:55--> 00:52:06

potentially will, there's a chance it will and will cause attention. My advice is to hint about it. mentioned it in some way. Allahu Allah. But again, brothers and sisters, I'm not telling you, you have to.

00:52:07--> 00:52:15

I'm just talking from experience I've seen later on these problems happen. Allahu alum. And I hope Insha Allah, I'm right. Allah on

00:52:16--> 00:52:27

criminal records. I've been in prison before, for example, that I haven't been in prison. I'm saying that if a person says I've been in prison before you need to say these things, because that's going to affect the family as well.

00:52:28--> 00:52:35

And lastly, how would you want a wedding? You might be thinking, why is that important? It's very important.

00:52:37--> 00:53:01

In fact, saying how you want a wedding and the details of it will tell you so much about the mindset of the person, about their family, about your family to see if things can get along. I've seen families have fights in weddings over things that weren't clearly talked about before. Some couples have divorced and divided and had fights over a wedding dress over a ring over

00:53:03--> 00:53:09

the bouquet of flowers over the car type over the hall over the table over I don't know what

00:53:10--> 00:53:25

and have I got stories for you. But I don't want to say too many stories because it could be people in our community who might think I'm talking about them. I'm not talking about anybody but this happens everywhere brothers sisters. So it's important to talk about these things. Are there any questions from my brothers or sisters? Yes, habibi.

00:53:28--> 00:53:30

Why is marriage important?

00:53:31--> 00:53:32

So you can be born

00:53:35--> 00:53:36

your mum and dad got married, didn't they?

00:53:38--> 00:54:00

And then you're born. Do you see? So you can come out? You can exist? What's your name? Hamza Masha, Allah. So marriage is important so that children can happen. Mum and Dad can love each other. You can have grandparents can have uncles and aunts. And you have a big family. Big Families come from marriages.

00:54:03--> 00:54:05

You get it? Do you get money on aid?

00:54:07--> 00:54:10

If your mom and dad didn't get married, you didn't have big families. You didn't get any money.

00:54:12--> 00:54:13

We wouldn't even be born I think

00:54:15--> 00:54:18

you got to have a baby. Obviously I'm answering a young kid brother and sisters. So

00:54:19--> 00:54:20

yes, happy

00:54:28--> 00:54:30

Yeah, good question.

00:54:35--> 00:54:35


00:54:36--> 00:54:38

married or not married?

00:54:39--> 00:54:59

Well, Brother is asking what what would you do with teenagers who want to come up? Who want to get into relationships and talk to you and you talk to them? And what about the ones who are married? Well, yeah, it's obviously it's a long advice. Simple advice here is first of all, you got to know that your teenagers are now older and they see themselves as very, very important. They

00:55:00--> 00:55:03

CISM tells us right, in a lot of ways, right?

00:55:04--> 00:55:43

And they probably don't think that you know as much about them as what you think you know. So have that in mind number one, number two, I would say that you need to establish a friendship with them and say to them, for example, you know, son, daughter, you can always talk to me about anything you like, you know, when I was a little kid, I had relationships that I wanted to get into, and I didn't know what to do. You know, I was like you I would, I would have sensitivities, I'd be embarrassed, I would think my parents don't know, saying I've been there and done that and try yourself. I'm just here for your debt, and whatever. Anytime you need to talk about it, we'll talk sometimes you might

00:55:43--> 00:55:46

sit down and talk with, say,

00:55:47--> 00:56:09

your wife and you open up a discussion in front of them. So it's called passively and you say, you know, what, do you darling How did we meet? Talk about your story about your relationship and how you met with with their mum. I think story is letting the guards down letting them see that how you were once there and did that, opening up some of your vulnerabilities.

00:56:11--> 00:56:36

I think insha Allah will allow them a door to open up to you so and don't pressure them should tell them tell them how much you respect them. Tell them son daughter, you know you're old enough now Masha, Allah, Allah has told me to protect your privacy. But I want to tell you, I'm always here for you. And you know, now you've come of age, anything you need to talk about, talk to me to mum. And then every now and then, as I told you talk about yourself, talk about your you and your wife how you met.

00:56:38--> 00:56:55

Talk about relationships in when your wife in front of them. So I think Insha Allah, this is a good way of opening the door. If you've got married children, same thing, because this isn't a hottie. That's also asylum or the the Chi that the rule in Islam is anything that is halal.

00:56:56--> 00:56:59

That brings about something that is

00:57:01--> 00:57:01


00:57:02--> 00:57:10

then that Halal becomes haram. So if I'm going to do something, and I know that there's going to bring something even

00:57:11--> 00:57:12

something haram

00:57:13--> 00:57:14

then I don't do it.

00:57:16--> 00:57:31

I know brother I know. So brother here is saying, when I say I know, it means I know what you're talking what your question is sorry about that. I don't know everything. Brother, the brothers asking this question about when living together with the in laws.

00:57:33--> 00:57:45

What if the parents are elderly, and they're sick, and they need you to live with them? And yes, of course, that is a very valid thing. And that's a difficult one. See, when that happens, if you know that they are very sick, and they do need you,

00:57:47--> 00:57:53

then you need to talk about that with that potential spouse beforehand. You have to

00:57:54--> 00:57:55

all right.

00:57:57--> 00:58:08

If they got sick later on, and requires you that you move out of your dwelling and move in with them to look after them in some way. Again, you need to talk with your wife about it.

00:58:11--> 00:58:14

You can move in, you can move closer,

00:58:15--> 00:58:21

you cannot oblige her, even when they're sick to live in their house. That's a sadaqa and a charity from her.

00:58:22--> 00:58:24

But obviously, that would cause tension.

00:58:26--> 00:58:45

So in that case, it's a difficult one, you need to try and get through it together. And try to minimize I always say to people, when you have a problem, work through four, four things. First, one solution. So in this case solution is to go and live there. And she agrees with you and everybody's happy. That's a solution.

00:58:46--> 00:59:22

Tempus 90% of cases, you can't solve them. So you go to the next one, minimize it. Instead of living there, live close to the or talk with your siblings, and each one shares a night at your parents house. I know some people who do that. So minimize the problem. Share it with your siblings, each one sleeps there, and your wife would agree with you. She can't say no to you to go and sleep a night or two nights with your parents and share living close to them. Going to them in the daytime, and then someone else at night.

00:59:24--> 00:59:50

So this is minimizing the situation. Number three is employing the situation that's the third stage. See how you can delegate. So for example, getting somebody to come in and care for them and pay for them. Pay for your siblings and say look, I can't do it, but I will pay I'll give money. I will buy things from outside. You know I will do other matters. That's employing the situation. And if that even doesn't work Subhanallah you make dua

00:59:52--> 00:59:59

and you try your best. So, unfortunately, I have seen marriages that do break apart as a result of this, but really this is what

01:00:00--> 01:00:35

why when you get married? And also SLM did tell us that it's not only somebody who prays and fasts or is a Muslim is enough, you also got to look at the character and the upbringing, you got to look at the personality, the values that the person has the family dynamics, some people are very stubborn, they're harsh, they're dominant, they're controlling. So you got to you got to study these things beforehand. And that's the safest thing in sha Allah. Otherwise Subhanallah it does cause chaos sometimes. Anyway, right? Insha Allah may Allah Subhana Allah assist everyone. Yes, brother.

01:00:39--> 01:00:43

Brother's asking is there a maximum of time that a husband can be away from his family from his wife.

01:00:45--> 01:01:10

In the Quran and Hadith itself, primary sources, I don't know of any direct text that says how long all the Quran and Hadith say is live with them reasonably, and give them their rights, and be generous to them, and make them feel secure and so on. But Omar, probably Allahu anhu, in his time, and he was the Khalifa. He used to take the soldiers with him to the battlefield, and sometimes they would stay long.

01:01:12--> 01:01:43

And one day, his passing by and news came to him about a woman who was alone a wife, and she said poetry about how she was going through a hard time without a husband and how she says, I fear sin upon myself without my husband, and I fear the Fire and he knew what she meant. So he went and asked his Hafsa, his daughter, the Hola, Juan and says, How long can a woman stand standard common woman last and keep going in every way in his in her emotions, and feelings and security and all that stuff

01:01:44--> 01:01:58

with her husband, and she said, for months, and then from that day, he made a rule, men should not go to war for more than four months. But that's war. And he would return them back. Some scholars went for four months. But the truth is, brother,

01:01:59--> 01:02:09

everybody's different. Some women that can't even be two days without their husband, some women awake, some people in the beginning of their marriage.

01:02:11--> 01:02:46

They're more closer together, they can't just stay away. And then as they get along, and children come along, it's easier to be a part. So it depends you got to you as a husband, you need to look and know your family. You need to know what kind of wife you have, the circumstances, their needs, the place you live in the social norms that you took her in the culture, the family, some people marry sisters who come out of a family where she was pampered all her life. Her father is always there giving you got to understand that she's going to be pampered. Right, I'm not saying he's a bad person, she could be really good in other ways. Some people marry a woman who's gone through really

01:02:46--> 01:03:02

hard life and her family's always away. And well, if that's your case, so you got to look at the circumstances. She could be ill she could be pregnant. She could be breastfeeding, she could be any circumstances. So it's case by case. All right. I hope inshallah that answers the question. Yes.

01:03:06--> 01:03:08

Ah, good question.

01:03:10--> 01:03:11

You have asked a very good question.

01:03:12--> 01:03:16

I love Dr. Zack and I color is beautiful. What

01:03:17--> 01:03:19

are the brother? The brother has asked a very good question.

01:03:21--> 01:03:31

He is asking, what is the ruling on marrying men marrying from the people of the book and vice versa?

01:03:32--> 01:03:59

I added that one you didn't ask it, did you? It's my fault. Okay, I'll put myself in a trap. In the Quran, Allah subhana wa Taala has made it permissible for chaste men chaste Muslim men to marry chaste Muslim, chaste women from among the Jews and the Christians and among the Muslims, and he allowed us to eat from the slaughter. Slaughtered meat as well. It's halal, halal to eat from Jews and Christians slaughtered meat.

01:04:01--> 01:04:13

Brothers asking, what is the ruling about men, Muslim men marrying women of the People of the Book Christians Jews? Well, Brother, look, this is a very difficult question. Because there's so many variables involved,

01:04:14--> 01:04:50

where you live, the circumstances, what does chaste mean? What are the consequences? What are the laws surrounding it, that will affect you? When the verse came down? It talked about an ideal situation where people lived in Muslim countries was governed by Islamic law, Sharia and Christian and Jewish women were chased meaning chaste means that an even for a Muslim woman so Muslim woman Christian woman, Jewish woman chased meaning they weren't known for.

01:04:53--> 01:04:56

How can I say? No, no, no, no, Xena.

01:04:57--> 01:04:59

More than that. So these two Hi

01:05:00--> 01:05:21

Have themselves and known to sleep around. You know, she hides herself and sleeper and romancing him. But if somebody's committed, Zina doesn't mean that they're not chaste, they could repent. That's why I said not Xena. So they're known to promiscuity. They keep doing all that. So usually, I don't want to say the word yawn, you know what I'm talking about. But other than that they can marry them.

01:05:24--> 01:05:32

And that's just to create harmony and existence and coexistence. But not the other way around. Because in Islam in an ideal situation,

01:05:33--> 01:05:41

and Muslim woman marrying a Christian man or a Jewish man meant that he had authority over the house, her and the children.

01:05:43--> 01:05:47

And Islam wouldn't give up the children to a Christian or Jewish man. Now in our time.

01:05:51--> 01:05:59

I do not recommend Allah He for any. That's a very good question. Yeah. Any brother, Muslim brother or any Muslim sister

01:06:00--> 01:06:16

to marry a non Muslim spouse? I'll tell you why. Even if the Quran said, Christian or Jewish, and look, I have to say I have done marriages for brothers who married Christian and Jewish sisters. And I'll tell you why.

01:06:17--> 01:06:19

But I don't recommend it at all.

01:06:20--> 01:06:23

Why don't I recommend it? Neither man or woman.

01:06:24--> 01:06:30

Here in this country, I have seen when divorces happen, when separations happen,

01:06:32--> 01:06:33


01:06:34--> 01:06:40

celebrations, Christmas aid, Easter, church, mosque, synagogue,

01:06:42--> 01:06:53

parents getting involved, children becoming confused, I've seen a lot of clashes happen. And you know, marriage is about compatibility. It's about peace and tranquility between the two.

01:06:55--> 01:07:01

And what happens is that a lot of the boundaries are broken. And religious practice is restricted.

01:07:02--> 01:07:08

And there's always this, you can't get too religious afterwards. And there are certain things you want to do, you always got to

01:07:11--> 01:07:16

you've always got to make 100 different calculations.

01:07:17--> 01:07:18

So it's quite hard.

01:07:20--> 01:07:25

It's quite hard, you know, there could be both good people, but it creates a strain on the marriage from a religious aspect.

01:07:27--> 01:07:39

And then it creates a strain on children as well. And I've seen it a lot happen. And when divorces and separations happen, the mother automatically takes most of the time custody or

01:07:40--> 01:07:48

children live with the mother most of the times, if they are still children, and a mother's fine, which is understandable. Children need their mother.

01:07:49--> 01:07:51

And I've seen in divorces where

01:07:52--> 01:07:54

ill feelings start to develop.

01:07:55--> 01:08:07

And the mother or the father may teach the children against the other parent and coming with that also their values against their religious practices against everything. A child starts to suffer in that sense.

01:08:09--> 01:08:20

If she's a Muslim woman, even if there's tension and hatred between them, she'll still teach her children Islam and raise them as Muslims. Right? Even if they never saw their father again.

01:08:22--> 01:09:02

Now I'm talking about generally, not every single case is like that. My advice for the brothers? That's a very good question, and our sisters, marry the person you're going to be compatible with, first of all, religiously and Islamically. I know many people that got married, and one brother got married to a Christian sister. He said, Brother, can you converter for me? And his mother said converter for me. So what do you mean, I'm going to convert her for you? I'm not God, I don't control her heart. You can't convert people. You don't force them into marriage. You don't make them become Muslim. You don't tell them if you're Muslim by manipulating their love. That's a separate

01:09:02--> 01:09:03

matter. It's got to do with that.

01:09:05--> 01:09:15

So anyway, I remember that time I went and I said, I'll speak to her about Islam. She's happy, she can convert, if not, it's up to her. So I went there and spoke and whatever, and her mother was there and

01:09:17--> 01:09:24

and in the end, she wasn't very convinced. I said, Look, now I know that they had been together for a while. Six years, I think.

01:09:25--> 01:09:37

I've seen many couples, like that's why I do their marriage. I'll just say, Look, this is better than them to keep going like this with no strings attached and no contracts made. So I said you can stay a Christian and marry him.

01:09:39--> 01:09:45

She goes, I'm relieved. Her mother said, Ah, we're so happy. We don't have to convert to marijuana.

01:09:46--> 01:09:47

They go Alright, thank you.

01:09:48--> 01:10:00

I looked at him and her I said, told you man, don't force her into the marriage didn't want to. Anyway, they went to the church and did their marriage there under a priest. The whole Father Son, Holy Ghost, they went

01:10:00--> 01:10:06

They did the marriage with me. They did the circumcision for the child and when I'm talking, baptize their children,

01:10:07--> 01:10:42

Christmas comes, I do Christmas eight comes, they do it. So they're living two religions. So there's a conflict in their values, their identity, their religion, their everything. And you might think, well, at least they're getting along Love is everything. What about the love of Allah? What about the pips that we've been living in? What about God who created the man and the woman, and they always stuck. It's not the only couple. There are many couples like that hamdulillah some of them they do change. And the sister can, you know, truly loves Islam and comes a good Muslim and hamdulillah and I've seen some of them, not many, where each one stayed in their own religion and

01:10:42--> 01:10:55

the children were fine and 100 learner were taught well and the Christian or Jewish wife respected at all and everything but that's when things are going well. When things don't go well then the religion is going to be the among the first things that is going to be questioned.

01:10:56--> 01:11:01

Now, as I said, this is not in all cases, my advice to my brothers and sisters.

01:11:02--> 01:11:14

Look, if they convert if they revert to Islam and genuinely hamdulillah that's good. I know a lot of brothers, who that happened to them and their wives converted and Masha Allah, they're amazing, great role models.

01:11:15--> 01:11:25

But to remain a Christian or a Jew and marrying them, I think there are just too many problems that happened and rise from that. My advice to your brother and sisters is marry a muslim.

01:11:26--> 01:11:34

It's better for you more compatible. And even in times of conflict, at least the Dean still stays somewhat intact.

01:11:36--> 01:11:40

Is that a good answer? Is that kind of alright.

01:11:41--> 01:11:45

Sensitive love and emotions is very hard to deal with. I understand.

01:11:47--> 01:11:47

Yes, brother.

01:11:51--> 01:11:53

Yeah, in an ideal Islamic

01:11:55--> 01:12:00

law situation, only the Muslim man can marry a Christian or Jewish woman

01:12:02--> 01:12:06

because the laws support the upbringing of the child

01:12:07--> 01:12:09

and custody situations.

01:12:12--> 01:12:12


01:12:15--> 01:12:19

But even then, it's not advisable. There's a story about how they familia man

01:12:20--> 01:12:52

Sahabi the companion at the time of Amara, the Allah who I know he married a Jewish woman. And he said to her divorce with Ava he said why is a halal or haram says halal? He said but I fear that you're a role model and most men are going to follow you. And those women the women of the People of the Book don't cover don't cover and and you know abstain from interaction with men as much as the Muslim women so then the Muslim men will see them more and then they will forget about the Muslim women and our Muslim sisters will stay

01:12:54--> 01:13:09

harder for them to find potential husbands while the rest of the men copy you and they go and focus on the Jewish and Christian women. So that even in their time it was not recommended. And the last man to Allah knows best.

01:13:13--> 01:13:13

Yes, habibi.

01:13:16--> 01:13:27

How is marriage half of your deen? Well, Dean means your life, your whole life. Isn't that right? It's your whole life.

01:13:28--> 01:13:30

So when you get married,

01:13:32--> 01:13:33

you get to

01:13:34--> 01:14:03

you get to practice and do things in your deen that you couldn't do it. When you're not married, for example. You get to look after children and raise them. If you're not married, you're not going to look after children and raise them. That's part of the deen you get to share love and connection with a wife and a husband. If you're single, you're not going to be able to and all these are part of the DNA they make you closer to one.

01:14:04--> 01:14:10

That's all I'm going to answer your hubby because if we go more than that, it's going to be in a rated habibi.

01:14:12--> 01:14:14

Yes. Last question.

01:14:20--> 01:14:31

Is marriage is marriage part of the test that Allah sent us marriage is a test. It's like a trauma. It's like a torture. You know, I said the five T's trust transparency.

01:14:33--> 01:14:59

Time talk and tolerance. The sixth one's going to be torture. Brother Habibie. Allah subhanahu wa ala made everything in life. A type of test. A test doesn't mean that Allah wants to know like the way your teacher gives you a test. It is a test that we test ourselves. We're testing ourselves. Because when you test yourself you know you're where you're strong where you're weak. You start improving you start working on yourself, isn't that right?

01:15:00--> 01:15:29

So marriage has twists in it, you start to learn how to communicate better. So you know, your wife says, you know, she gets upset with the way you communicate, maybe you can change it, maybe she can change it, you become in your money, you maybe can be more generous, you realize you're a bit more greedy. So then you start being more generous in the family, start to work harder, and you don't get lazy. And then you learn about yourself. So that's how it's a test. But I want to tell you, marriage is an act of worship. That's what it is. Marriage is an act of

01:15:30--> 01:15:31


01:15:32--> 01:15:46

Because when you get married under Allah, Allah rewards you for it. And it's an act of worship brings you closer to Jannah. Just because of that, looking after each other looking after human being or raising children. Allah loves that. Isn't that correct? That's all part of worship.

01:15:50--> 01:15:55

Yeah, of course you will. Of course, you'll be rewarded. How old are you? 13.

01:15:57--> 01:16:04

Just take your time. Don't get married tomorrow and go up to your parents say, I want to marry Good. Take your time. Just okay. When you're ready. Insha Allah.

01:16:06--> 01:16:15

Right now look after your mom and dad. They're your wish. They're your act of worship right now. They're your act of test. Isn't that correct? A sha Allah.

01:16:16--> 01:16:19

Yes. Last one. Last one. All right. Last one.

01:16:29--> 01:16:40

Yeah, brother is saying it's a good question. There's Are there limits? When you inquire about a brother or a sister? Are there limits about how much you can say about them? Of course, there are limits. Here's here's what the scholar said.

01:16:41--> 01:16:43

You need to focus on what is serious.

01:16:45--> 01:16:50

Don't focus on the little things. For example, drugs, violence,

01:16:51--> 01:16:53

religious matters, doesn't prey.

01:16:55--> 01:16:57

Drinks, you know, eats pork.

01:16:59--> 01:17:05

It's got very bad company goes to bad places, deals with bad people. These are major stuff, right? You need to talk about them.

01:17:07--> 01:17:45

And if you do know something good about him, you need to also mention the good in place of every bed. If you haven't got enough, then Palace, you've done your best. But it's halal to talk. But what's very important is that brothers and sisters, you never talk about someone and expose them. Or tell other people if you heard about them. If it's for purpose of marriage, it must remain between you and it never goes out to anyone else. I know a brother who asked for went to visit to ask for a sister. In marriage, he had a bit of talk with her. And then when they left his father left with him and went with him because in the culture, our Lebanese culture and when we them, and it's out of

01:17:45--> 01:18:21

respect to take your father to meet the family and honor the family. So the brother the brother talked to this sister and then changed his mind. When he came out. His father asked him What did you change your mind? He said, There's a reason that and now I'm gonna God her her trust. And you know, subhanAllah I respected his father told me about it. I respected that brother so much Subhanallah so not even your parents. Just tell them look, there is a reason try your best to hold it. I remember one sister she said I knew something about a brother and my mother is push pressuring me to know about I said don't tell her. Just what if What about that? Don't even tell her? Because should I

01:18:21--> 01:18:53

tell my dad if if you tell you that he's going to tell your mom yesterday? She said yes. So don't even tell your father. Go What do I do? I go say Mom, I fear a lot. I can't tell you and just smile, kiss her on the head, hug her and say I love you. And just, you know, shower her with love and stay firm. So this is very important brothers sisters, not to expose other people, especially in marriage. Otherwise, you know, life won't go on people won't be able to trust anybody like that. All right, brothers, sisters, I think you you've been sitting down for so long. How they were SallAllahu Anabaena Mohamed, while early wasabi Ah, man was Salam aleykum