Channel: The Baba Ali Show
Special guest Bilal Stroud joins Baba Ali in discussing:
- the negative effects of emasculating your husband
- keys on making your relationship more successful
- what happens when lines roles of the spouses become blurred
- the lack of good Muslim men in our communities
© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.
probbaly Show Episode 10 the emasculation of men. This podcast has been brought to you by half our Dean calm and Muslim marriage website designed for those who want to find that other half privately because the only people that should know you're looking to get married or people who are looking to get married. Try half our Deen today. The greatest trick the fashion industry has ever pulled is to convince men that women find them attractive in skinny jeans. Today's type you have men doing things that are once only done by women from shaping their eyebrows to wearing sparkling jewelry to beautifying themselves even more than their spouse what happened to the men of this oma I can only
imagine if Omar was alive today walking around with the stick and his reaction if he saw the Muslim men of this generation yes about to get hot in here. So if you can't stand the heat, you better get the kitchen. Let's do this.
Cultural Muslims have confused the masses and speakers are forced to be politically correct.
Hey, man, why y'all serious? This is just a podcast.
The emasculation of men is something that's hard to ignore. Sometimes this occurs because there's no strong male role model in the family. So the young man grows up and doesn't know what it means to be a real man. They end up marrying a woman who treats him like a child, but they have no problem with that because they look at her as a mother figure, she becomes a dominant person and he becomes her submissive counterpart. The relationship in the marriage isn't natural, and therefore neither side is really happy. The reality is that every woman wants her man to be a man, but some women struggle to allow him that space. What makes matters worse is that some women in the effort to be his equal
may end up robbing him of his manhood all together. Then there's those wives who have no shame in billing their husbands in front of their peers. Not only is it awkward for their friends watching this public emasculation, but it's even more awkward for the man being whipped. You might as well emasculate him and carry his parts in your purse while you're at it, make him carry the purse to sorry for being so blunt. But I've seen this happen to brothers in front of my eyes. It's a terrible thing to witness. Sometimes I don't think some women understand the impact of the words. Some of these wimpy men want to speak up, but they're scared of the reaction of their spouse. Well consider
me your power of attorney and this podcast as Exhibit A. I'm not gonna win you fans for speaking the truth. But then again, my goal isn't to win in this court of public opinion. Yeah, this episode is gonna ruffle some feathers. So to tackle the subject, I can just bring in any regular guests but I need to bring in someone that isn't afraid to tell you like it is. My guest today blouse draw from romantic muslim.com has helped countless couples who have struggled with marriage issues, but law is also the coordinator for the Muslim men against domestic violence and Atlanta, Georgia, a nonprofit organization dedicated to promoting greater awareness of the evils and causes of domestic violence
within the Muslim community. He's also a Muslim motivational speaker, relationship coach and the co host of the popular Muslim podcast romantic Muslim, which has garnered the attention of Muslims and non Muslims around the world with this humorous, relevant and bold approach to love and relationships. Law has helped countless couples regain the romantic Spark. He's been married for 22 years and he has nine children Mashallah his no nonsense approach and direct personality is one of the reasons why so many people find their podcasts appealing in a world where everyone's walking on eggshells. Sometimes we need people who aren't afraid to speak the truth. Welcome to the Bob Marley
that's your cue.
To Oh, sorry.
Alright, welcome to the Bob Marley show as salaam aleikum, WA
How are you I see how you doing today, brother.
How we engender right now.
Before we start anything you guys have learned from the bob Ali's show is that I'm not afraid to bring up taboo issues if you notice at sama conferences, it's easy to bring up things that men do wrong and you'll never get a complaint This is because the vast majority of people who attended some conferences are women but dare to bring up anything that critiques the actions of women the defense walls go up and a series of emotional emails cards coming to my inbox.
I'm just saying the way it is cuz we're about to talk about something that sometimes sisters do not all sisters keyword not all but some sisters do. And the feminist sisters are gonna send me emails and they don't critique us and blah blah blah and that doesn't really fix anything because sisters make mistakes like brothers make mistakes. And for us doing this topic, it doesn't mean that men don't make mistakes too. I mean, listen to the other episodes I do I critique men left and right. It's just it has to be fair game that when sisters make mistakes as well and men
The stuff that we all correct ourselves, including with me and my guests, we all make mistakes. So this is something for us to bring attention, bring it to the surface and show with the hopes that some people will stop doing this and become more conscious of it. So you know what topic to talk about today? Right below? Yeah, yes, brother is this is real. As we say, in America, we keep it at 100. Today, just keeping it 100. All right. So let me give you an example, brother, because I seen this way too much. I call it brother up and I asked him, I see how you're doing, how's everything going? And this brother was like, Bro, I can't talk on the phone. I'm like, why my wife is coming.
My wife said, I'm not allowed to talk on the phone. I'm like, what's going on?
My phone, my wife says, I'm gonna have to talk to people. It's nine o'clock, I have to go I have to go. And I'm like, I was everything. Okay, like, I thought the guy is in danger. And I think he was in danger.
Because she's coming. She's coming. She's coming. He hangs up. He hangs up the phone. And I'm like, wow, I thought, okay, something's wrong. Maybe they're in our argument. Maybe they're fighting and I try to call him back. He's there to make sure he's okay. And he told me no, no, I learned that he actually has complete fear of his wife and his wife basically micromanages every single thing he does and what he's allowed to do, and not allowed to do, who's he allowed to speak to who he's not to speak to? It's like, everything is micromanaged. I'm like,
What happened to men?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait brothers, sisters, please don't get upset. But please just calm down, calm down, the brothers telling you the truth. And we got to talk about it today. This is real talk. Real talk. I had another brother we're having lunch together wives or their couples or their different people or there's a bunch of people there. Hey, Ryan came for dessert. We're about to eat dessert. And he goes and tries to grab a slice of I think it was cake or pie. And his wife basically said in so many words, I didn't say you can have any cake, no cake for you. The man had to go sit down. He had to take the walk of shame back to the brother section and sat down.
The rest of the guys have cake in their hand. And he has like an empty play agent sitting there like so. So this is taco.
Let me give you an example. I was here in Atlanta area. And I was in how can I say a major supermarket conglomerate put it that way? Okay. So I'm in now and I saw a brother and we talk
when we started talking and at the time I had my daughter was a baby. So I was there getting no diapers and wipes in the baby aisle. And that's why I saw him and we started talking everything. As we were talking. A woman came into the same aisle with us, okay, and she was shopping and he said, Bro, I have to go I have to go. I said What's the matter? I gotta go. I said, he says if my wife caught me in the aisle with another woman she would go ballistic. I gotta go.
Doo doo doo is time for you to take back. How can I say your property? Do you understand what I'm saying? Exactly what you're saying. It's time for you brothers to take your property koku back from your wives from the sisters. I feed for real? This is crazy. I don't know what happened. I mean, seriously, I'm not saying that. I want to make sure this is clear. We're not saying men should be very controlling and abused their position Allah subhanaw taala has given them over their wives but rather there's a certain criteria have to make a man a man right the way the prophet SAW His home is the best. He wasn't a pushover. But at the same time, he was kind and just to his wives. But
sometimes people say okay, as soon as he says yes to everything, then that makes him a good husband. That's not true. That's not the prophet SAW with him at all. Unfortunately, some of the men today they don't get that like their wife will ask them hey, can I do this? He says Yes. Can you do this? Yes. Can I go here? Yes can do this? Yes. Sometimes she's asking you all those questions is because sometimes she wants you to say no. Yay reason wants you to say no is because they want to see if you care or not. Like he always tells me Okay, go out. Anytime you want, I don't care go to another city, be there as long as you want etc, etc. When he keeps saying yes to all that the way the woman
says sometimes is that he doesn't care if I come or go or whatever I do. So he doesn't care about me. You know, sometimes she wants to test you she's testing the waters to see what you're gonna say. And if you always react in a certain way, she realizes you don't care. That's just one side of it, bro. There's stuff that the women are doing to the men in front of other men, which is just wrong. I'll give you an example. Whenever you belittle a man like the example I gave earlier, in front of his peers, it's a huge impact on his ego it is and how's a man going to stand up and feel like a man when he comes home and you always talking down in front of him in front of his friends. I mean, even
from the prophet SAW the song we've learned that you take a person to the side, correct them. You don't do it in front of other people. He don't you agree? I agree. One
percent Matter of fact, when I counsel my clients, I tell brothers and sisters specifically both of them to never be little your spouse in public. Yes. And actually what I tell them to do is to praise to compliment your spouse in public, especially in front of their family members. You can go to your in laws house and say, salaam aleikum, Miss Mohammed Subhana. Allah nativa is more beautiful now than she was 10 years ago. So para la, in front of your wife's parents and see how quickly she will fall in love with you. And reverse is the same. So Pamela, when the brother is with his friends, other men, of course, men have egos, just like you said, and every man wants to feel like a man. So
if a brother comes and tells his wife, you know, can you please bring me some water, please? And she will say yes. And she'll go and bring it and bring it to him some kind of law that lets him know. And the brothers know that his wife is again, she's submissive and that they have a good relationship because that in actuality is the nature of a woman. Now wait, wait, don't say Hey, man.
You're about to use two words, two words that women take very negatively, Brother, you brought me on this show to tell you the truth. He want me to lie to me tell you the truth. What do you want? What do you want? I brought you because you speak the truth. You're not afraid to speak the truth. Thanks very much.
Listen to what Tyler says in the Quran. The meaning is the meaning is that men are protectors and maintainers of women, because a lie has made one of them to excel the other and because they spin up their means of support. Therefore righteous women are a devoutly obedient meaning to their husbands and garden the husband's absence would allow them to guard so this work when in this idea, it means that the man is a person who manages the who manage the affairs of his wife, like an attorney, a power of attorney the attorney oversees the affairs of his client, you know, he guys down always them advice, sees their affairs sees what's going on. That is a relationship that a man should have
with his wife that he's not overbearing, but he is responsible for his wife. So the status of a husband to his wife is more of responsibility, pure liability and not so much a position of authority and influence. Okay, so you are responsible for her she is given to you by Allah tala to care for her to be kind to her to be gentle to her, but to guide her watch over affairs and lead her to be a good Muslim. And so she gets rewarded in this life, as well as in half this panel. Ah, here's the thing. I was just mentioning earlier that the two words in today's generation that women take very offensive, are the words obedient, and submissive. They look at those words as being
something negative when this is not negative whatsoever. Also, panto has given us certain roles. Just because the man has a certain role is different than the wife doesn't mean that that role is better. In fact, of the people who rule the Muslims, who are the leaders of the Muslims, they have a role, but at the same time, those people have a certain accountability that the people that they're ruling don't have. So for example, let's say there is a Khalif and he is ruling over all the people in the Muslim land. He is responsible for all the people who are not the average person like you and me, we're not responsible for every single person here. He's given that leadership that power, but
he's given that accountability and he has to answer to at least the parents on the day judgment, every man who's given a power over the woman, he's going to be responsible on the Day of Judgment, did you protect her? Did you make the final decision because of what your own desire was?
Some men take advantage of this, they abused his power, and this is what causes females to become feminists. And unfortunately, women they feel like okay, something's wrong. So I'm going to not going to do my part. He's not doing his part and no one wins, but goes to a completely different subject. Let me jump to you and ask you something, brother. What do you think about when women are micromanaging their husbands every move? Again, that's not her duty and responsibility. That's not her job. The job of a wife is to support her husband to care for him because he or she is not the leader is the man who's the leader. So a wise woman knows how to talk to her husband to get the
maximum benefit from him. So you understand what the nature of what a man is the nature of man is that his job is to lead protect, to guide provide and to teach and establish justice on the earth. And when you try to contend with him, when you try to stand up and buck against his authority, or whatever, you are shortchanging him and you will never get the type of husband that she wanted. And I'm telling you right now.
I'm gonna say all hate mail to bow [email protected]
I'd say I gotta say, Listen, I gotta say, the brothers should be kind affirming to his wife to his wife, he should listen to her. Be kind, consider her advice. Be gentle, be loving, be romantic, do all those things are supposed to do as a man, but sisters feel love and let your husband Be a man. And don't belittle him in public, especially, in fact, his friends or his family members, again, it's an email to pilau gmail.com This is real talk, real talk, real talk. This is why I bring a wide variety of guests because we get a wide variety of different opinions, different talks, and people are gonna hate me for some of my podcasts, guests, and some people gonna love me for some my podcast
guests. And believe it or not, some people just podcasts gonna really appeal to them, as some of them are gonna let you know via your
strategy gmail.com gmail.com. Alright, so let me ask you something else I'll bring up earlier regarding the whole word, obedient and submissive. A lot of sisters these days, they feel like they have to be dominant. And the reason why they have to be dominant is because they look as submissive as something as quote unquote, being weak. Correct. So they tried to be dominant in the relationship. And then if someone is dominant, the other side is not going to be dominant. Because if you have two people who are both being dominant, is going to end up in divorce, right? So one of them's gonna end up being submissive. And if you watch even the homosexual relationships, there's
always one that's dominant, and there's one that's submissive, there's always one that's a male, there's always one that's a female, even though they both are the same gender match, really, I'm being real here.
If you go to the sea, the homosexual relationships, there's always the man and there's always a woman, like even the lesbian relationship. One is the Butch and one is the girly girl.
And the other
guy with the male relationships, you see, the one is like,
Oh, I have no filter, but I'll tell you like, on the male relationships, even they understand that the one has to be like this and one has to be like that. When we come to sometimes the Muslim relationships both are trying to be dominant, or sometimes in a very few cases, both are being super submissive. It's an imbalance it's unnatural. Both being dominant is getting up in divorce, right? They're gonna butt heads. No, like two Rams is not gonna get anywhere right? Yeah, I agree. One being submissive. The Wrong side being submissive makes it on equal to and I'll, you know what we're gonna be real. We're gonna say like it is when the man is a wimpy man, super submissive, and his
wife is dominant. This not only affects them in normal marriage life. Oh, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't Don't say it. It's going to affect them in the bedroom as well.
The woman is not naturally attracted to the wimpy man is talking about sexually attracted to the wimpy man. I don't think the woman is sitting there fantasizing. Oh, I wish I had this wimpy man.
Or vice versa.
Dude, let me tell you listen, every single woman wants a man to be a man. You understand what I'm saying? So when you talk to sisters and ask them what is your fantasy of an ideal man? Usually the first thing is someone strong. Fern muscular is nothing dude wimpy, wimpy, you know, soft, you know, pushover type dudes. Women don't want that. In general. If a woman wants that type of man, she is a control freak. She wants to control everything in that marriage. And that's an unnatural situation. It is not what a lot Tyler has made the man to be is not the role of a woman but unfortunately listened very closely. A lot of reasons why the sisters are not willing to submit and not willing to
be obedient is that the brothers don't know how to establish the authority inside the home. You don't know. But to be fair, a lot of the men aren't men anyways.
These men That's true. The woman's complaint, which is completely valid. It says if you want me to be more like Khadija that needs to be more like Muhammad Sallallahu wasallam That's true. This is real talk. Let's look at what the industry has done to Muslim men today. You got guys wearing skinnier jeans than their wife All right, you guys guys shaping their eyebrows
used to be the talks was okay, let's get the sisters alone first female only session to talk about Oh, is it allowed to pluck your eyebrows and now you gotta bring the brothers into
Oh yes, the guys are arching their eyebrows. It is because they're trying to look beautiful. And on top of that they're wearing sparkling jewelry. They're wearing more jewelry than their wife is wearing jewelry. They got rings on their hands. They got more earrings in their ears like what is going on. They spend more time getting ready than their wife does. Their wife gets ready half the time.
What are you doing? Unless you unless you're getting ready for us, I don't know what you're doing. Well, why don't you take you two hours?
To justify that it is no way you could justify it. At a messenger of Allah so low it was sudden you find this idea
that the meaning is the Messenger of Allah, curse men who copy women and curse women who copy men. So Pamela, so when you start doing things that are generally accepted, to be from the feminine trait is something you should stay away from my feet in general, women when it comes to men, women are attracted to men of power, influence and wealth, if you have power, influence, and oh, well, women will flock to you for real, for real, okay, that's amazing, and
reveals to us His laws and his commandments. He knows the nature of what he created. So when a lot of times it says that meaning is that the men are the protectors and maintainers of women a lot they say that women protect and maintain the men, the law says that the men protect and maintain the woman. So that means by her nature, the woman wants to be protected, provided, maintained, love and guided. That's her nature. So when you go into your wife's purse tonight brothers, and he claimed your property, reclaim your property, how do you reclaim your property, step number one, come back to Allah subhanho wa Taala. Instead, establish your salon inside your home because in many cases,
one of the main reasons why your wife is bucking your authority because you do not submit to
gmail.com you are not establishing your salon inside the home. When a woman sees a man praying to Allah tala fulfilling the commandments, she will instinctively submit to you. That's her nature, she can hide it, but a reason why she's going against her nature, because you haven't shown her what a man supposed to be. And unfortunately, she saw the same thing. Maybe her father, her uncle, or whatever she thought that was the norm. And that's unfortunate. You know, I was actually reading up on a bunch of things. Number one is to stop treating him like a child. This is something that unfortunately sisters do. And they try to play the mother figure with them. And what do you think
he's gonna do in response, he's gonna act like a child, the more you act like a mother, the mores act like a child and no child is attracted to his mother and no mother's child. So dig into this awkward relationship. That's not natural. Another thing is, don't tell him how he could have done something better or comparing him to something. Yeah, that's that. Yeah, oh, he hurts him as well. He hits his ego, give him his space. Thank him when he offers his help, because a man oftentimes he feels he wants to feel like he's valued. And this is again, not the situation because of just what women are not doing. But again, what men are not doing and you mentioned very clearly below, some of
the men are not acting like real men. And when the men are not acting real men and the women aren't acting like real women, we're gonna have some major problems within our marriages and within the Muslim community. I see it all the time. I mean, I'm a relationship coach, I do marital counseling.
I hear things like this from my clients all the time. For all my listeners who are listening. If you want to learn more about how to make your relationship work below has an amazing program below. actually tell us a little bit about it. Yes, we have romantic muslim.com Okay, stop laughing. Stop laughing.
Calm website, podcast, we have articles and a podcast just like this one. We keep it 100 keep it real. We talk about love, romance, relationships, sexuality, you name it, we cover it. I'm one of those listeners who listen to romantic muslim.com Oh,
it is my favorite podcast on the whole itunes store because I have them really anything changes because you're here and I've told my other friends because this is the one podcast actually recommend to a lot of my friends because you guys cover these issues that no one really covers like one of the topics I'll be bringing up also in one of my future podcasts is like the Islamic conferences. That's one of my favorite episodes you guys did because it's real. It talks about the stuff that the organization's won't talk about. Everyone knows, but no one's talking about and that's what really attracted me to you guys, because you guys cover issues that other people don't
cover it. I'll tell you one thing, brother. I've done so far, a bunch of episodes, but the one podcast that we did that really got a lot of attention was Muslim sex, Islam and intimacy. And we usually when I post on my Facebook, I get a lot of likes. Oh, fantastic podcast. Isn't that when I posted that one about intimacy? Oh, no one liked it. No one commented. It was really quiet. It was so quiet like oh man, probably no one's listening to it. And then I go in and I'm just checking it says 3967
What is going on here?
It tells me there's a lot of people who want to know about being a good wife.
Being a good husband, especially when it comes to the romance side, especially when it comes to the intimacy side within the boundaries of Islam. There's really no one providing this. So when I saw romantic Muslim calm, I'm like, dude, these guys have a podcast and they're real. They're not hiding it. And it was amazing. Like you're doing right now there's a lot of laughter. There's a lot of light heartedness. It's not like a boring, it doesn't feel like you're even in our talk. It feels like time goes by quick and very easily. I put my headphones on, I'm walking around. I'm laughing like a maniac. And people think I'm just crazy. It's like, What song is that he's listening to you.
I'm not a
good man. I'm not just giving you a plug. But it's a solid, solid podcast, check it out.
I really appreciate
the listeners listening, I hope you guys will be inspired to start your own podcast. As you can see, we don't have many Muslim podcasts out there. I just started in February 2015. And we're just pioneers of Muslims doing podcasting. And we really need a lot more Muslims doing podcasting within the boundaries of Islam doing real good content, not just doing nonsense. But as we do have a good time we do laugh, but there are gems that you could take away from these episodes in Sharla. Start below, I want to ask you to tell the audience what rekindle the flame is as well, because it's something you guys have a program. So if you could quickly mention that for everybody as well. Yes,
yes, I'm sorry. Yeah, we can have the flame is a two hour lecture that I conducted about maybe six years ago. And the purpose of the seminar is to show you ways how you can bring passion, love and excitement back into your marriage, you know, so I put it together after you know, my own experience. I've been married now for over 22 years. I have nine children. So I know what I'm talking about. You understand what I'm saying? So I
definitely understand Yes, yes, I got married when I was 20 years old. My wife was 19. So Panama and I'm 42 and I'm still married. So you can marry early Yes, I am. Okay. Okay. You still coming early is still be in love and still have your business. So that's why we can flame is all about is designed for those couples who love each other who want to rekindle or bring a spark back to the marriage. It is not intended for those who are in toxic relationships who are on the verge of divorce is not for you. Because I can say I can talk to him blue in the face and it won't help you. It's for those couples who really want to bring the passion as far back into the American shot luck.
Okay. And with that, I'd like to thank my guests below Strout for joining us today and for all the listeners who've listened to this entire podcast from beginning to end Mashallah, you guys have been here since day one. You know, we've done countless episodes and we're going to continue doing episodes every single Friday. So come to Baba Ali show every Friday to check it out. Or you can just use your iPhone, go to iTunes, subscribe, inshallah, you'll get it automatically straight to your phone. I just like to thank everyone who's been listening to Dr. Hare Assalamu alaikum