Friday Night Lights – Family Matters With Sh Waleed Basyouni, Kamal Elmekki,
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Have the last lesson I want a lot of Soula wild ideas like The Simpsons theory should hola hola hola hola hola velocity color eyeshadow no Mohammed Abdullah solo philosopher of the Santa Monica,
and my bad Solomonic will have to love Ricardo.
Welcome everybody to today's session on Friday Night Lights. And this topic is a topic that deserves a lot more than a single evening. Both because of its importance in Islam. Well because of its importance in Islam and because of the this the circumstance that we we actually find ourselves in the moment in time that we find ourselves in, which is the unraveling of family in American society. I was reading an article a couple of days to go, New York Times article called What's ripping the American family apart. And there was a lot of really just, you know, scary statistics, and I want to share with you just a few items from it.
At least 27 Americans are or 27% of Americans are estranged from a member of their own family. And research suggests about 40% of Americans have experienced in Stranger meant that some point, you're talking about a quarter of family members. And the most common form of estrangement is between adult children and one or both parents are cut usually initiated by the child. And a study published in 2010 found that parents in the US are about twice as likely to be in a contentious relationship with their adult children, as parents in Israel, Germany, England and Spain. So there's an American, there's modernization and the breaking down of the extended family to the nuclear family. But there
is a very particular American flavor, it's all of this. So I hope it's all it's out of that tonight we remind ourselves about the importance of family as well as
are illuminated by the Messiah with regards to different aspects of the family structure in Islam as well as inshallah to Allah as always open for your for your comments, inshallah. Tada. So, I wanted to begin actually, I just want to say something makes no sense to me that when we pray, we stay six feet apart. And when we sit down, we don't.
It just makes no sense.
So unless you are from the same family, you need to keep the six feet apart from the person next to you.
Unless you're exposed to each other like us all the time and
some family also relationship.
So that's number one. Number two is required. If you don't want to put your mask you'll be sitting in a way in an area where it's very far away from each other, like the brother back here or brother here, if you want to keep your mask off just to stay away from people. So you have way even that six feet apart from the people
because it makes no sense. Why would we leave place on the Salah, Salah is more important than sitting.
That's right, I'm looking forward to can to go back to the normal situation, which is we can pray next to each other hopefully inshallah during
and I hope Shalini. And the next coming two days, we go back to that, talking to the doctors and stuff like that, and I'm very comfortable to go back to this. I just want to say that same thing for the sisters, by the way. We don't discriminate between men and women here.
So if you're not from the same same family, you need to keep the six feet apart. Thank you.
So the topic of family of course goes beyond to extended family depending on the size of people's families. However today we just wanted to restrict it to parents, children, siblings, the immediate family inshallah to Allah. So I wanted to begin if you could just give us a, a, you know, the importance of family? Why does Islam focus so much? We've heard so much about parents, we've heard so much about the rights of parents, in particular, the rights of siblings, this notion of Siliconera have something that is so foreign to many different cultures, including Western culture, why why does Islam put such an emphasis on this?
I mean, I don't know, foreign to Western culture and Western culture, family and parents means a lot. The extended family. Yeah. You said we're gonna focus on Drew. So you made that in that context.
I think it's a common knowledge, the importance of parents, the importance of brothers and sisters. It's something very important embedded in the fitrah of everybody that you care for your parents. And Allah subhanaw taala. When he talked about his rights to be worshipped, he always followed that by the rights of parents. Allah Subhana Allah created us and parents are the one who brought us to the slide they have done you know, the good
giving you this great gift of life which is that's what the gift that you use to worship Allah so you can go to Jannah which is the ultimate year no prize that ever kind of person get. So initially when you validate be grateful to me and grateful to your parents. That's why some of the scholars from this verse particular use to say in the end of every salah they will make dua for their parents. So in the Salah that says the last month Allah be grateful to Allah and endless aligned and they will make the offer their parents as well. And with Allah Allah to Shri could be he she will be validated sad. And I think this is a very common theme who is the most deserving of your of my
companionship your mother, your mother, your mother than your father?
In the last panel to add I have made his him being pleased with you, Todd in Rio De Lima riddle wallet, that Allah will be pleased with you when your partner is pleased with you. In Nabi SallAllahu, alayhi wa salam.
Okay, in Nabi SallAllahu, alayhi wa sallam have said that father in some generation parents, in the middle gate of Jenna, where you enter Paradise from these all and tons of narrations, and there's so many verses in a hadith speaking about the importance of
the importance of honoring respecting parents as an act of worship as something we do it for Allah. And I love when Allah subhanaw taala mentioned in the Quran, the story of Look, man,
he always Lachman said, Do this, don't do that, do this, don't do that. But when it came to how to treat your parents, he didn't say do Be good to your parents. He said, the verse change that Allah subhanho wa Taala ordered us to be to worship Him and to be good to our pet, referring to Allah so you don't don't feel like it is I am demanding from my son to respect me. I'm not demanding from my son to give me my due, right? It's a rights that have been given to me by Allah, it's an obligation on you not because I asked for it not because I pay your money, not because I'm leaving you in my house, not because they support you. It's because Allah subhanaw taala ordered when Allah says that,
if you have this clear in your mind, it doesn't matter. At this point. If your father a nice guy, or a mean guy, it doesn't matter if your father is a is been there for you or he wasn't there for you. It doesn't matter if your father is a righteous or not righteous person, it wouldn't matter is that Allah ordered me to be good to him. Order me to be good to my mother. Yes, if he's good to me, my given back will be more. If he's good, and he's been there for me. Definitely, my relationship will be better. But it doesn't matter what it says I've been ordered to be good. I've been ordered to be nice. I've been ordered to be to fulfill my rights, regardless of that person fulfill his rights
towards me or not. If he does that, only increase my kindness increase mine, but the basic is guarantee and then think that's something so important to be recognized on the relationship. Well, that brings up obviously, there's a lot to navigate with regards to that. So you, you you mentioned it's independent of how they treat me Allah subhanaw taala made it that it's there. Right. So what are the limits of the right of a parent? So we have the parent who who chooses your major for you you have the parent who chooses your spouse for you have the parent who is is absolute obedience do to the parents? Shut them out? If you want to know
we can come to Congress. Yeah.
So obviously, I know a very clear and easy one. I'll give you the easy one. And that is if the command you're asked you to do something, that is disobedient disobedience to Allah subhanaw taala then here, you don't obey them. Now. don't obey them is not a green light to be rude and belligerent. You know, that's when some people think that oh, they asked me to do something haram. So they start yelling and breaking things. No, it's not an excuse to be rude and belligerent, you can you can say no with good manners as well, you know, without being rude. So that's one when Jahad daqarta and to Cherie Kirby Melissa can be here to talk to her about what saw him having to do
So Allah says, if they strive against you to make you commit shift, then do not obey them unless simply says do not obey them and then says and accompany them in this life and goodness. And so when they're striving to make you commit *, you step away from that, but at the same time, that doesn't cause you to be rude to them.
But so even then, so what about not disobedience? Like what he says your major your
food, your clothes. I have one kid who is a doctor and mashallah all of his brothers are doctors. And I said, like, how did your dad like pull that off? All of you are doctors. And he said, I said, Did he just not give you a choice? He said, No, my dad said that I can be whatever I want to be I can be an optometrist, I can be a dermatologist, I can be a surgeon, I can be whatever.
So is that like, I think there's a translation aspect to so how do you how do we translate below to it then what is what does Viddler do it then translate? So if I ask you?
What is the middle of it? Then you've heard it your whole life? What does it mean?
Being perfect to parents. A common translation is obedience to parents. So is that what do I do then? Is it obedience to parents? Are you looking towards the righteousness of being righteous towards Rama? To me, I'm always inclined towards it being righteousness as opposed to obedience. Because if it becomes obedience, and it's literally they say, do this, then you do that?
And that's what I understood a bit was
everyone's waiting for you. Oh.
Just are we switching to the what's better? It means many things. I don't think there's a one word to translate that definitely obedience, one aspect of it, definitely you cannot have better again, if I do so by my parents, you know, but so even in that context of they're making you do a major Okay, so that's well need explain. Okay. Okay. One of the better is to support them, okay, to what extent I support my parents that be broke, so can I give all my money to my father, for example, my parents and I don't have any money to what extent so but liberal validation is many, many meanings. One of it is obedience, one of it is being nice one of it is being dutiful you know and fulfill your
duties towards them the obligation the recommendation so always the rules has a minimum and has basically an area of
extra and volunteer. So when it comes to the obedience definitely check him out said is 100% Correct, which is if they ask you to do what is haram, you don't do because it'd be so fun and part.
One of the principles that we have you don't obey a human beings and disobeying that you don't obey creation, by disobeying the Creator, simple rule. Another thing nobody saw Salam said and explain this to us his file in Omaha to fill my roof in nama PA for tomorrow. He said that your obedience is in what is known to be good. What is known to be good cellist and Potamia was asked if somebody's mother forced him to eat certain type of food and force him to do certain things. He has to obey Him. And He said, If this is something that you don't like, you don't deserve, deserve desire, he don't they just while you doesn't go will go you don't pay them. Because that's not an oath, it is
what's commonly known as something good. So if my parents, for example, will choose for me a girl to marry, who I can't stand, I can't I don't like, like, I know. I know a brother who wants to marry a girl who dark skin. Oh my God, his mother, she was talking to me, you know why in Hell, he will marry a black or a dark skinned girl. I said why she said that said he, um, can't let my son marry a dark skinned girl. I said, if we apply to this rules your husband or be married to you? Because she is very dark. She looked at me like that. Yeah, I'm not your kid. You know, the missile show. She is so dark. And he she herself and they said that's not how it works, you know? And she said, No, I
don't want my son to be mad. That's not you. That's your son cannot feel attractive at all to what you're choosing for him. She wants a girl who for some of them, like it's ridiculous. I've seen things that they involve themselves to the smallest detail. That's not from a model of I'm not obligated to obey and things like this. So for example, my parents, you know, yes, one time he asked me to eat my dinner, I don't like this food, your sandwich, Mama, I will eat it, you know, but if you want me to eat this every day, or if you want me to do this or to quit my school or to change, this is not right. And this is if this is going to harm me. I can respectfully disagree. She choose
for me my career. That's not what I want to be. I don't want to spend the next next eight years of my life in school study medicine. That's not what I want to be. I'm not good at that. I'm hard. It's hard for me I can move on. So this is not a matter of also a PA or not
A third conditions, which is what you're capable of. So they ask you something you're not capable of doing, you're not supposed to be obeying them in this in this case. So these three guidance, keep them in mind, and it will help you to navigate your way.
I have a story so about forcing your children to, it's random, I just want to tell the story. So when we lived in Pakistan, my mother would have someone go to a village and watch them milk, a buffalo, buffalo milk, then she'd bring it some friend of hers told her boiled.
So she would put the fenugreek and Hilda and boil it in the milk, and that milk comes out so stinky. And she'll say you have to drink it, it's good for you. And I would drink it. And I would vomit in the glass. And then she would force me to drink it with the vomit.
So that's, that's my story.
That's why I don't force my kids to drink anything, or eat anything they don't like always telling mothers, no living thing will starve itself to death. Okay, if your child is hungry, he'll eat. And I know this one kid, all day, his mother's chasing him with a spoon of something. And he's running and playing. She's just chasing him if he's hungry.
I mean, I feel like we need a knife for these Pakistan stories.
So we're just going to be bouncing around from topic to topic, but as we go from parents to. But can we also say that when your parents ask you something, and you don't feel like you, it's it's not the best thing for me. It's not good.
I feel sometimes we have sense of arrogance. Like we're not willing also to give it a chance. We're not willing, like, for example, a sister come to me and she said, If my father wanted me to marry someone from my same culture, for example, you know, maybe maybe he has a point.
Listen to him. You know, maybe and matching culture is a good idea. Yeah, maybe something that the Father is concerned about. Maybe it's not, maybe he has a good point when he asked you to go to you know, what you need to go to a good college doesn't mean any, or even the major? Yeah, the major Listen, just I think nobody can be more sincere than your father. But doesn't mean sincerity doesn't mean to be good. So I also would like from our brothers and sisters, don't look at your parents as enemy or as like always on the wrong side. You know, that's, that's not fair. That's not true, as well. Yeah, the truth is actually, most of the time they are right. Most of the time, like they're
wrong sometimes. But for the most, for the majority of the advice they give you in your life, they are right, you know, and I learned that the hard way growing up, and they would notice Oh, the right and the right again, and the right again. Oh, but they're wrong this one time. So I remember that one.
The whole idea of your parents being enemies. So I gotta say this is a lot of it is from the media. One of the worst things you can watch on television, are those Disney Channel kids sitcoms, you know those, there's a name for them. I think they're so horrible. They're horrendously poorly written. And it's just horrible cookie cutter characters anyways. So what happens in these shows, the kids are the main characters. And the parents are just fooled in the background. The father is always a complete total buffoon. And he always comes like, oh, look, when I invented that it blows up on his face. The kids like dad go back and work it out again. And he goes back like an idiot. And then the
mother You know, it says my dad's an idiot. Yeah, they always say that. How many kids cartoon start like this? Hi, I'm Emily. This is my dog fluffy. That's my little brother. He's annoying. My parents are crazy. My dad is that how many shows start like that? told me
you know what?
Always a present the family as just a bunch of nut jobs are crazy. They're insane. No brains. The father is a total buffoon. But then friends are cool though. The friends are cool, and they get it and they understand and all that stuff. And there's a lot again, this is kind of like well, it is my field of study not kind of, and and same thing. Not our topic today. But the same thing with the male male in the commercial always presented as a complete total fool. You know, always dumb and the wife is a smart one. The father is just an idiot.
They used to be the show called Home Improvement. That guy was a total dunce. His wife was smart. He was just a complete fool every sitcom.
Everything should come forward to full Homer Simpson. Yeah, but the the good thing about those sitcoms in the 90s was that at the end of the day, the father even though he's a buffoon in the moments of
Like real crucial importance, the Father shows up steps over shows up. Uncle Phil shows up like all of these guys. But now these they don't even show up now they're just completely useless. To the point about the parents, you know, I have one of my favorite quotes from Mark Twain. And I saw it in I was 14 years old, and it was hanging in my English teacher's classroom. And I remember, I mean, Mark Twain is saying, when I was 14, it says, when I was 14, my father was so ignorant, I could barely stand to have the old man around. But when I became 21, I was amazed at how much he had learned in seven years.
So I remember being 14 Feeling like Man, my parents really don't understand anything. And then I'm reading that quote, and I'm like, maybe in seven years, I'll realize that my parents knew a lot. And Mark Twain was absolutely right. Yep, absolutely. So chef, just because you touched on that topic, I do want to touch on it, you know, the rights of the Father and coming and taking, you know, there's a famous Hadith the Prophet sallallahu sallam said, until a Maluka, ebic, you and your wealth belong to your father, what's the what's the guidelines with regards to that as people mature, and they get jobs, and then they have, you know, their parents ascend into what's called retirement or what have
you, and they might be financially in need of their children, their children are crying, trying to create their own lives at the same time, what's the, what's the line here, when the province of salem said, You are what belongs to you belong to your your father, in this hunted in this sense, it means like, let's say, I go to my daughter's home, or my son's home, and I eat something, you know, I take something from there, it doesn't mean I have to take a permission from him. You know, he's not called stealing, just eating his food house, I'm like, I don't need the permission to do that, you know, let's say, I use something from his, or my son, you know, I need to get permission from my
son, to use, for example, his I'm going to take his watch, I'm going to use his phone. And maybe that cost money, you know, the I don't know, I'm not stealing from him. Even if I take money from his pocket, or from his wallet, this is his wallet, and it took $20 That doesn't mean I stole from I'm stealing from him. There is no stealing, but doesn't mean that your son does not have his own money. No, he has his own money, this is his and he because of your son die, his money will be divided based on the inheritance and the father will not take everything. The Son, your son's children will take his wife will take and so forth. So this handy, they cannot take it literally
like that. And also, it's weird. I have somebody call me and he says, Holly, my father, is it okay? If I don't tell my father how much I make? Or I make bonus. And I told my father about my bonus. I said, Why don't you tell him? I was naive. He said, Because if I tell him he will take the money. I said, What do you mean, he will take one? He said, Yeah, this is an old man has kids and already in high school, maybe in high school, his kids, because they know that the man he's he's like, in his, at least at least Yanni mid 40s.
Until now, his salary or let's say in his late 30s, he takes the check. He gave it to his dad.
Then the father gave him money so he can spend on his children.
He's still getting an allowance. Yeah. So so when I said his father, semi kind of Yanni he act like Cher whatsoever, then he told him yes, in Islam, that's how it is. And he'd been understanding this all his life, that the person do you and your money belong to your father. So whatever money he makes you get, he's a chair. So when I want to take my kids for vacation to Disney, or something like that, in Florida, my father says, No, this is waste of money. Not a lot. While I think it's important, I want to take my wife to vacation, it became my father decision if you give me money for that or not. So he said, I want to hide some of the money from him. And I use it. Can you believe to
what extent this is not I felt this is the only time I got this question twice in less than three in three years time. Twice, that's a lot, twice, two times is a lot. And there's barely any fairly short period of time. So
it looks like there is people have this understanding of this hadith. You know, no, your son has no money or doors you're on. But I say to those who are growing and hamdulillah and making money. Make sure you support your family, even if they don't need
make sure you support them. And you know what, if your family is wealthy, make sure that the money that you make you make donation on their behalf. So the founder we have or maybe in the end, I'll share an interesting story about
on shift command, we hear all of these, you know, important narrations with regards to parents, you know, and the rights that parents have. What about for our brothers and sisters who come from whose families are still not most of them? What responsibilities do they have towards their parents? What rights do their family have on them? Nothing changes as we just don't go to church with them on Sunday. But, you know, like some people think, Oh, my parents aren't Muslim. So they're kind of like, sometimes cold towards them, or it happens sometimes. But typically, you do find that like for reverts, they they care more about their parents to get nicer to them. I know of one guy, he became
Muslim. And like, some days later, his mother came to become Muslim. So they thought maybe he gave her Dawa. She said, No, I just saw how he changed towards me, like he became so good. So you might even have to up the game, as they say a little bit just to show them that the change you made the religion you accepted is good, and brings good and that because ultimately, you want them to go to Jannah as well. So if anything, you bring it up a couple of notches, just so that they can come to Islam, but it's like I don't know, like, you know, people just try to make it look like Oh, my parents aren't Muslim. So, no, they're not Muslim, but they still have the right to see their
grandchildren and get respect from you and everything. Everything except Sunday. Don't go to church. Yeah, I remember somebody called me chef. He said so I come chef. He lives in the Midwest and psycho psycho. I'm glad that answered the phone actually. And he said chef, my mother in the driveway, and she fall because she was cutting the Christmas tree and snow and she is on the floor. Can I go help her to bring that Christmas tree inside?
I said maybe you should call 911 What's that? I mean is that mean even a shift to ask?
You know just like a lot but this is very weird. And I said absolutely go Yeah. And you held on her the you're living in her house. That's her elite member shout out to him. Allah said about wife why who Christian she's allowed to put her cross and she hang her cross in the in the in there next to her bed side of the bed and she read her Bible. You know, I don't even there is a whole talk you should come by and walk with her to her church and make sure that she's safe and to come back. You know.
What I'm saying is there is a lot of like, weird way of looking at parents who non Muslim actually you should fulfill all the rights for your parents as should come outside. Even if they are non Muslims. Holiday season is coming up. We're talking about Thanksgiving, we're talking about Christmas. Those are always times of
you know, questions so traveling to them spending that time with the family over the holidays. What if they drink and you're there sitting at the table and even just going even just going and I have no problem with that in thanksgiving it's not a religious anyway holiday is not a Christian or Jewish or any. There's no religious significance. Not like Christmas or Easter. So definitely you can be there Yeah, I do that we have my family and non Muslim parents we do have Thanksgiving dinner and we travel they travel to us sometimes. You know a lot of them humbler they don't drink so
they don't have the whole the culture of drinking in their home but
we're so I need I know that people deal with that but it's not your show your problem. You can sit there even if they drink that's up to them. They're drinking just what's not allowed for you to do is to offer them to drink or to open the candles and he grabbed me the beer you can do that as a Muslim but they can drink you can carry it after the drink and put it in trash you can do that the beer or the wine or the classes to wash it. Yes, you can do that but to give it to them so they can drink no to bite for them. You're not allowed you know but they are allowed to drink what about the Hadith the process and don't sit on the gathering where alcohol is served or the table we're not.
That's an in a normal sorts of use by choice going to there you're gonna go to the bar to sit around the bar or around you know, for Silverlight for socializing with friends. But this is something of being good to your parents. You are living with them. This is the dinner table where you sit with them. You know that's not your responsibility. You don't have a control over the setting.
What am I going to them share like I'm going to their house or what have you and specifically Christmas as well. Christmas you can go because I believe Christmas is more of a social gathering today at homes but don't go to the Christmas to the church or that's not a Muslim I don't I don't do the ritual part of it but after Christmas we will come gift if they give you a gift. You know, you can give him a gift in the new year you can give him a gift and eat. You know, I mean they understand you know as long as the gifts are not
you can't, if they give you a gift, you can take it. Thank you. No problem. It's not us celebrating it.
Let's say they start saying grace and praying. You can be there. If they call upon other than a lie. You don't say I mean to that. But if they did not call someone other than Allah, you can say I mean, even though growl Katherina fuel,
but what else pork. You don't eat the pork, you don't cook the pork, you don't serve the pork. But you can be sitting while the eating sausage or whatever, you know,
or pork ribs, you know, in their dinner table? And if it doesn't matter at all, you show up or you don't?
Don't. But if it matter, and that will mean something to them be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, a lot of individuals cause a lot of like harm that takes years to resolve with their families because of these types of things. I want to to move towards children Mushaf, what do you feel? is the number one challenge or one of the major challenges that you see parents having with regards to raising children?
In these United States, and this year of 2021?
Can we get like 10 each, then about three, like what is not a challenge?
It's unbelievable. It's like,
yeah, I would like to see your perspective about the parents, non Muslim parents like this real scenario, anything you want to add to? Because I know this is important. I mean, you pretty much described everything that I wanted to highlight other than just that danger of when people just cut off their parents because they accepted Islam or because they're Muslim now or what have you. Like that barrier of them even being able to give Dawa to their parents because they see Islam as being something that that separated them from their children as well.
Did I ever told the cucumber and the vinegar
not. But I mean, there's so many challenges, I don't even know if this is a top where I rank it high. But just one thing we always try to get through to parents is that you like you have to offset whatever time they spend in front of the TV in front of school with non Muslim friends, you have to offset it with something you have to any slightly different but just to give an example. I met with this young man a while ago. And he's saying he's leaving Islam. So what does he do? How does he spend his day? He sits for hours, and listens to lectures by atheists on YouTube.
For hours and hours and weeks upon weeks, that's all he listens to. All right, what do you think will happen? And take a guess you're gonna be vinegar. gonna become a cue, a pickle is gonna get pickled. Now, you have to offset it. And that's what I told him, You need to offset it. Like, are you reading anything on the other side? Are you reading the refutations to these claims? Are you reading some Quran? Are you anything and if I'm going to delve into something like that, at least, I'll focus more on my salawat and my Dartmouth just people think I can just jump into this world here or jump into this pool will come out dry. When's the last time that happened? So you have to
offset. So you have to bring them to the machine, give them a touch at the masjid class. You can even do classes at home something but you can't just expect to know everything's gonna be okay. They're in public school. They're good kids. And this good kids thing. Jani gets on my nerves, so much like everyone with their eight, everybody's a good kid at eight. Then he hits. You know what, he hits we alone. Then they come to me. She helped me. He's 15. And now he's got this. And he does that and he smokes this. And but he was such a good boy. Of course, he was eight. Of course, he was a good boy. He had nothing in life, but video games, and pray when you're when your mother tells you
So, for me, one of the things, obviously, is the importance of finding companionship and friendship, because, you know, I'll I met this brother who was a youth director, and he was a I mean, that was something that he did as a volunteer in his community. And I asked him, I said, Why do you do that you got a very, you know, professional jobs. And he said, The reason why I'm I chose to make sure that I'm a youth director, and I commit all of these hours and all of these types of things is because I have a daughter,
and I know or I, I hope that inshallah I'm always going to have her ear and she's always going to be willing to listen to me and give me all of that but in case she hits 11, and 12 and 13, and by then she isn't prioritizing my advice over hers anymore.
In that there are girls around her that will advise her according to our Islamic values. And that's why I'm a youth director, I have to affect all of these girls around her too. So I thought that was very forceful, and very beautifully thought out. And so when we're looking at, I mean, I shouldn't come, I mentioned a kid who's in front of YouTube videos, but also, one of the epidemics that people are experiencing is the epidemic of loneliness. You know, sometimes when you're when you're looking at young people, and you say, like, who's investing around them? Like, how many hours are people spending around them? Like,
we don't have these extended families, we don't have a tribal, or a tribe, or uncles and aunts, and all of these people around you all of the time. So who are they actually getting advice from? Who's picking them up and throwing them into a car and taking them on on random errands as they go through errands, but having conversations with them and letting them absorb information and see things in practice over an extended period of time of talking about years? That's true, it takes a village to read to raise a child. So where's the village? Right and so I think these types of efforts in the absence of these large extended families that we find ourselves in is really something that we're
going to have to become more consciously involved in for our community, as well as allowing for when people in our community try to reach out
I think one of the biggest challenge we have
is to be able to make religion an important or a central of your children's life.
So hard to make Al Quran or the religion or the deen is something that is so central that they go around it and that so hard for many reasons. Number one, we don't have enough attractive materials can compete with Disney and to compete with the media as you don't have enough people friendship, a pool of friends and environment that can compete with the school the social clubs with the swimmers. You don't have enough you know, you don't have language. The Quran is an Arabic most of things that is so a translation still poor and were there it's their mother tongue is the English and there are so many literature there are so many things that attract them more than just reading the translation
of the Quran or praying because I can't relate to the I can relate to the map. Many of the masajid don't have good programs do not blessed to have people like sure come out sister Imani here and the group here should come you know a community like you. But a lot of people don't have that, you know, so that we can so difficult to say that is so hard to make the kids religion and the whole society religion is nothing important.
Isn't the one on the list?
We don't we raised in a society where we don't talk about religion on dinner table. You know, we don't religion is just to something very, you know, very private, as they said, even those good people whose religion means a lot to them are pushed away, pushed away pushed away, you know. So it is hard. So that's, I think, a big challenge. I think the second challenge I will say for me
to make parents sink together.
When it comes to raising children
are so hard so difficult.
It's so hard to make them sync together. So they see eye to eye they communicate with each other properly. It doesn't work if someone parents believe in the very passive style, let the children do whatever they want.
where another person know on the top of every single detail it doesn't work with somebody is so violence and strong and hate and and curse and you know and abusive. While the other person is you know complete opposite doesn't work when there is a father who is control
like I follows telling me the t control to the extent you know he will decide what food you eat with this TV like so. Like what the doctor told you. While you have parents who have no sense of advising or like doesn't know when their kids come back home. You know the mother or not
rather good sleep at eight o'clock, and the kids come midnight or come on em doesn't matter, or they don't come at all.
So this is problem, I think that's a big challenge. Because we never were taught about terribIe how to raise kids, we never were educated, never been trained. So I think that's a big a big challenge in front of us. And I think one of the things that we should invest more as parents is to know how to sync together how to communicate better. So we have a consistent message with the children a
lot of extremes. I mean, there's, there's one way the father is the monster and the mother threatens the child with the Father. And when your father comes, he's gonna do this. He's gonna string you up and skin you alive and all these threats. And then honestly, I mean, feel free to disagree. Like I'm okay with people being wrong.
That was a joke. All right.
But like this whole being friends to your children,
I don't ever want to hear that ever again. Be friend to them. Listen, you're 50 He's 12. Okay, if you think you can be friends, there's something wrong with you. Okay, don't tell me I'm gonna be. I accept that you can be a friendly type of, but you're still the father. Like, I'm not a serious father. I think you can probably deduce that. Okay. I'm always fooling around and stuff. My wife gets irritated, like, be serious once and all that No. Okay. But, but I'm still the father. They don't see me like another nine year old running around the house with them. You know, I'm a father who's just immature, maybe whatever words you want to use. But I'm still that father I need but I'm
not like their buddy. How about going to be there, buddy doesn't make any sense. So just pleased that with the whole buddy thing.
The other thing is what you're saying is so true. And while he was speaking, I remembered this family that I knew. And the father is a chef. All right. And they're like, you know, three or four brothers and a sister. And then I asked, I asked one of them. What is your brother's study? He said, I don't know. Like, you don't know what his major is. He said, I have no idea. So don't you live in the same house is like, yeah, I barely see him. I was like, What about lunch? He says, My mother cooks the food. And then she leaves it on the stove. And then she just yells out lunches ready. So then one board teenager comes down, slaps it on his plate, goes up, to back to his room, the other
guy to half an hour later comes down, put some goes, watches the TV and eats it, the girl comes whenever they never sit down together. Never. That's why like in our house, when when when my wife calls everyone for lunch, or sorry, after I cook and I'm kidding. But when we call him for lunch, like my son will say like I've eaten, I don't want them to just come sit with us. Because this is neat. It's convenient for me, I can threaten all of you in one place instead of having to go around the house. Now voting seriously, we get to talk about even if you're not eating, it's not about eating. It's really socializing. And sorry, not to go for too long. But really, also the idea of, of
what the chef was referring to. But this, you know, the social gatherings and stuff that kind of weakened the Muslim community. I know of have a sister, she was a sister here in America. And she was like, kinda like, you know, homeless and going through problems. You go to the masjid. Nobody helps her. And they give her $50 We still have massage they give you $50? Like, what do you do with $50? Like, the guy is like, it cost me 20 bucks to get here. You give me 50? All right. Let me just sleep here then. And what is $50? They give me 50 bucks, go make the answers to whatever that stuff is. Then she left Islam. And she went to the church. And so so one of the questions they asked her
like, how can you go back to worshiping three gods after you learn? And she used to read and write Quran and Arabic and everything. But how do you go back to believing in three gods and believing that Jesus is God? She said, I don't believe that. But you go to church every Sunday should yeah. I have a family. I have a social structure. I have support. They helped me out. One of the one of the top dogs in Malaysia and this guy. He's been Muslim for 24 years and all he does night and days give doll. I know him personally. He's a great guy, and wonderful personality. And one day he said something to me, it was really painful. He said, You know, I've been Muslim for 24 years. I'm so
thankful to Allah and I'm not exaggerating. He's giving dollar every single day, every single day. And then he said something, I couldn't believe it. He said, You know, I'm so thankful, you know, switching this with the award like what I used to do, but then he says, but sometimes I missed the Brotherhood. We had a church.
Online, it's painful. What do you say to them? He missed the Brotherhood. He had a church
Number one, we are Your true brothers and I don't feel it.
We feel father's hugs three time hugs. Allah she became Muslim, then one.
Yeah, need Cibola I don't have an answer. It's just sad. You know, one of the gifts that I appreciate so much, and recognize to be a gift is the gift of giving your children a sense of history. Because it is a it becomes a part of your identity, it becomes a source of pride for you, even if at that moment, they don't understand it. So if you've, I'm sure most of you have heard of the series out to God, if I'm pronouncing it right, the Turkish drama.
And it's like two hour episodes, and it's like 200 episodes or what have you. And I know so many people who have watched it, about the founding of the Ottoman Empire or what have you. And so much of what people have told me is they said, like, it just makes you feel proud to be a Muslim, like it's a show on Netflix, where it's Muslims who are strong, and they're powerful in their Islam and in their ability. But these types of have that type of historical connection to greatness. It's something that I don't think we appreciate how little people have when they grew up here, like all they've known is Muslims post 911. And, you know, being called a terrorist and saying, You're not a
terrorist, but what actually are you? I met a kid who was doing his PhD. He was a 24 year old Somali kid who was doing his PhD in African history. And I asked him, I said, like, why are you doing a PhD in African history? He said, because when I was in high school, that's when the whole Somali pirates thing was popping off on on. He said, so I'm going to high school and Somali pirates are on the news. And you know, people are making fun of them. They're like, you guys, like piracy was over 200 years ago, you guys are doing it now. So anyway, one kid asked him a question. And he said, What have Somalis ever contributed to humanity? What have y'all ever contributed to humanity? And he's
that as painful as that question was, what was more painful it was that I didn't know the answer. So I'm getting my PhD in African Studies just to be able to, you know, the Sahaba, they used to teach their children the the seal of the province of a lady said them and they will say how they shut off. Musharraf will Abba echo. This is your honor and the honor of your parents, so don't squander it. And so parents telling your children about your village in Syria or wherever they're from and Philistine or North Africa or West Africa or Asia or what have you, even though you will feel like they are not listening. They are absorbing and it's giving them a sense of it's giving them a sense
of identity and it's anchoring them that is so true man as my kids their favorite place on this planet. And they immediately tell you Sudan is gonna stories. I don't even know where it is on the map. hamady has had it for a long time. So, go ahead. Because they never been there.
Say again, here's what
they took the show off of Netflix. Oh, man, I was just about to watch it. It was on Netflix. It wasn't enough. That show is weird. I've never watched that. Not even two minutes of it. But I've heard a lot of good things. I know this one guy. He had this ferociously feminist wife, right? And he says then she just came up to him. She said, You can get another wife if you want. Because of that show. I was like what channel's the show on
then you realize this is of Christian service, or you're like No, you know, to show you, Somalia to show how rich country this is that three countries three
countries colonized Somalia. You think about why would France England Italy go after Somalia?
As because how rich this country was? How does this process for this? Three major European countries occupied different parts of Somalia, Somalia, you know, just to be number one country in the world. And when it comes to
number one in the world that's actually build the economy of some European countries.
And it's amazing, it's amazing history is very rich, actually. And the one that broke Somalia's industrial is basically United States. Some of that business trade here with Brazilians and when we able to basically get the banana from South America or to Europe and to the middle is interesting, interesting piece of history. You know, they said they were going to rename Somalia, where they're gonna call it Banana Republic.
there was a time where people thought I was so funny, I love Somali people Somali food. The Italians came and one Somalis got pasta introduced to their to their diet to the cuisines. That's why they have pasta and stuff. Oh, that's where it came from. I see. Somali cuisine. I don't know if we have some other restaurants in use. Unfortunately, we don't that's a big loss for Houston. Okay, big loss, because they'll actually put bananas in the right Somali restaurants, right.
And help craft on hillcroft
still open, unless we go tomorrow, you know, one of the I just have something to say about parents.
There is something I just want to point it out that
you know, we talked about your son became Muslim, or your daughter became Muslim, or became religious. One of the biggest like,
I think it's one of the biggest form of bullying. You do is you became more picky in your son and daughter just because became religious? Or they're because good or nice. You start picking on them more.
And you still say, Oh, is that how religious people behave? Oh, so you will now read Quran or have the Quran and then how you talk to your dad? Oh, and every time that you connect the religion, to the way that they behave? I just want to ask any parents who are doing something like that? What do you think your reaction will be?
Be realistic is that means you're gonna stop, he's gonna leave the salon, he's gonna leave the Quran. He's gonna say, You know what, there is no one other than became more source of headache to me than anything else. And to make that connection in their head is not right. And this, and you know what, when you have a bad kid who's doing bad things, you don't talk to them, you just let them go off the hook.
And that's not fair. And it's not correct. And I noticed that sometimes, like, there's so much pressure, and so much expectation, you know what, he's still a kid, he's still a teenager.
He's still, you know, a high school, he still wants to have that, you know, Freedom means he's still going to do full things, even if he is half of the Quran, even if he still is religious, even if a good kid. So don't give that very high expectation that make the children unable to you or hijab. And that's how you behave. Yeah, hold on, don't connect the two together. This is in my opinion, just not a right way of dealing with your children. So there's two things that I want to talk about from that is one is expectations, we definitely have to talk about expectations, because that plays a role with regards to whether all of those levels whether it's parents and their children or
siblings towards each other, or spouses. But also since you talked about the aspect of Oh, you're going to wear hijab and do that there's the other side of it where the parent isn't asking a question, but they have Jahannam right here in their pocket, and they will give you a card to the Hellfire depending on what you do. And so they'll say if you do this you'll enter the Hellfire you disobey me you enter the Hellfire you do this you enter the hellfire, so they're always threatening their children with the hellfire. What about that show? You know, I'm not I'm not that ISIS was asked, Who's the worst person in this dunya.
He asked somebody who was the worst of people he said the one who use the religion. Okay for worldly matters for worldly gain.
And you use the religion to get something personal as the worst person.
There's somebody worse than that. Oh, they said he said the one who used the religion for a worldly reward for someone else.
That's that's the word. But definitely the one that I'm talking about that some point is very bad. Which is used to do just because your ego you start pulling the card of hellfire. Just because you're angry at your kids and you don't know how to control you're angry. You start pulling the card of the religion is not really about the hellfire. It's not really about the religion. It's not really about Allah. It's about yourself. It's about your ego. It's about how come I don't have control. How come he pissed me off. It's about me not controlling my anger. And that's that's dangerous. That's not right. Keep the religion out of it. You just say I can't control my anger. I'm
angry at you right now. Don't try to get to justify it with the religion.
Then we have the the notion of expectations like navigating expectations is so difficult when when parents have children they think that their child is going to be a doctor slash polymath slash chef at Islam slash slash slash slash they want
Look into their you know and they have all of these hopes and dreams for their for their children do you mind just sorry
just these things our son still like area I want to say also not every time we say the Hellfire it means that you pulling that card because also you need to remind your children of the Hellfire, but don't make it an a personal reason you need to remind yourself of the ACA, you need to tell them hey, if you do this, this haram that will lead to hellfire. It's not a bad thing I just make sure that we understand the point that I'm raising versus this because it's important to remind them of the Hereafter to remind them the ACA to remind them of the punishment of Allah subhanaw taala under the word of Allah as well overdoing it is also an issue in my advocacy out right oh every time this
you burn this even overdoing it even if they are doing something wrong and every time you're the health or the health it doesn't become that scary after a while they memorize what you're saying and there's oh if I do this I get it's like those criminals that they've been to jail so many times that their lawyers they can tell their friends if you do that you get 99 to 50
No just the notion of managing expectations actually it's not as
were in the lineup
I had written down here, there's a sociologists from Cornell called call, he authored a book called
fractured families and how to mend them. Actually, no, the one who I had here is COVID. He has a book called The rules of estrangement. And he argues that
sorry, actually, you know what, for that the Cornell would be good fault lines, fractured families and how to mend them. And he writes that children in these cases often cite harsh parenting, like my parents are verbally abusing things like that. And the parents in these cases are often completely bewildered by the accusations completely bewildered. Why? Because there's actually been a generational shift in what is considered to be abuse. And so parents, like calling their son a donkey or something like that. Like that's like, you know, for them, that was just something that their parents called them no problem. Or even, you know, like disciplining or what have you. This
was stuff that they actually might look back at fondly from their parents and see this is part of growing up and what have you, and you see this play out in general American society, you talk about, you know, people talk about millennials, and
but there is a generational shift, and they view or young people might view you know, things to be traumatic, or they might view things to be abuse that parents literally do not see as being abused. And, you know, there's that beautiful statement of it, I've never thought of who said that? Raise your children for their generation, because they were they were created to inherit a generation other than yours, a world other than yours. So when it comes to actually defining what abuse is with those people, I think the first thing is walking them through like what what is actually happening, and inviting them to actually bring that conversation to somebody outside of their parents, whether
it's a therapist or a counselor or what have you. So that allows them to unpackage what this is, and to not keep it something that is private and allowing it to grow so that if it can't be rectified that it'd be rectified inshallah Tada without it breaking the family apart. So that's what I would say is to bring a third party involved, especially somebody who's qualified with their counselor or a therapist.
I was gonna say the same thing about that abuse thing. Like I was dealing with the case where the sisters father was abusive, and her friend was saying her family's really abusive. And then when I get down to it, he just yells at her a little bit. That's called a good day when you just get yelled at abuses when you're thrown off a balcony to put up a cigarette in your back. That's abuse. Girl go to your room. Oh my god, so abusive.
But you know, what's interesting is that, here's the thing. Now kids, when they again, there's no there's no social structure for them. They're not most kids aren't talking to you most
kids, when they're feeling that they're going on tick tock, and they're making a cute video about being abused by their parents. And then they're getting validation, especially if it goes viral. They're getting validation from hundreds or 1000s of people who are saying, you know, you don't owe your parents anything, right? That's what they're hearing. Because, I mean, they're not bouncing these ideas off of people in their family event or in their community, people who actually know them. So that's the danger of all of these things. And that's why it's really important that we involve ourselves in people's lives. But check them out, don't you think?
It is also important to take in consideration how they feel. So if the generation shifted and considered this to be something not
good, and it is a verbal abuse, we want to say this term, it is a verbal abuse.
It's like the same thing when we say, you know, amount of what is commonly became known to be good. So if that's what commonly known to be something good, it's good, commonly known something not good, that's not good as long as not contradicting the Sharia. So what I'm trying to say is, yes, maybe in my days, you know, abuse will be the ship ship.
You know, you get hit by by your mom's sandal or something like that, or the belt, you know, yeah, now that maybe, you know, that abused. Do you know, but today, abuse became something much, much, much, much, much, much, much lighter than that, you know, I mean, it's still something should be taken consideration, not dismiss that, in my opinion, I should not just rely on my I don't live 20 years ago, I live in today. So I need to be aware of this is exactly like I can tell my wife, you know what, I never saw my dad doing this to my to his to my mom. So I need I don't need to tell you, I love you, honey. Sweetheart. My dad or my grandfather didn't say used to say something about our
great grandfather, or because I live in other culture. I think we cannot do that. I think we should. I know you don't mean that. But I would like you to comment on that as well. I think we should respect the fact that if this is today, in the culture sense that this is considered some form of because at the end of the day, it's going to turn your kids against you lose that connection with your kids. And that's what you don't want to happen.
I'm okay with, with the parents adjusting, but
I'll be honest, I'm not okay with that, that, that people can just redefine things as they like, and it because yeah, it can become the norm. But the truth is like I'm, you know, I'm one of those people. I'm kind of tough on these things. And, and I don't like this watered down.
I'm trying to use very nice words here. Okay. But like, oh, this everybody's just the worst right now. And everybody gets a prize, and everybody gets a medal and everyone gets a trophy. And if you get yelled at, you're traumatized. No, I'm old school. I'm like, no, let me teach you how to be a man. Okay. And I appreciate people being different. I am happy that there is some therapists that will give you a lollipop and make you feel better about yourself. But I believe there needs to be a balance. Okay. And if you Yes, it shifted up, grab you by the ear, and I pull you back over here. Let me unshifted you.
It's like the opposite of what you want to hear, right? No, no, no. I mean, I don't like that. I just turns me off. I don't like that at all. Just I can't handle it. What about
if it varies from child to child? Okay. So for example, that what's popping up in my mind right now is the video of
have you know, the men off being bitten by a bear? Okay, He's eight years old, and his father has him wrestle a bear. Okay, it's What kind of father and he's getting bit by the bear and he's wrestling the bear and he's telling his dad, he's like, it's biting me and his dad say, Well bite it back. Okay. Now this if it's like a nut, but he's a he's a kid who's strong enough, eight years old to kind of deal with something like that. But if you have, you know, a kid who's not have that type of caliber, and you just throw him in to get bit by a bear. Like that's the definition of abuse. Like it doesn't get you more severe than that. Okay, but I'm not gonna agree that just a father
yelling is an abusive father. But yeah, don't throw a kid into a bear today's the equivalent of that today is to throw him in with a bunny or something that's today, and that he'll be tough like that. But look, you know why gold is not allowed in Islam, right? For men yawning for men, a part of the wisdom behind the insult the men stay tough, you know, and they don't walk around with like, liquid I bought it
Pure gold. Really? Where'd you get it? Let me go get one. This softness. Okay is very accepted today. All right, let me tell you something. This is going downhill I know it's okay. All right, if there's anything I'm super thankful for in this world as being from Sudan, because manliness is the most important thing on earth to us. When I came on, I lived in Europe and I moved to Sudan for the first time. First day in school, this guy looks at me, he's like, Are you a man? I said, Yeah, he said, punch the wall as hard as you can. And I remember thinking to myself, What on earth does this breathlessness have to do with being a man? Everything's about being a man, like you have allergies,
someone will look at you and say you have allergies. You're not a man. What do you have allergies, everything's about being a man, it's extreme. But when you balance it, manliness still stays high. And now just everything is soft, and everyone is soft, and everyone's traumatized. And again, I appreciate the differences in human beings, we balance each other out, you got people that one of the things to be tough, then you got people to be want everything to be super soft. And then when you blend them together, you get somewhere in the middle. But today everything is soft.
I want to go back to Sara's question.
We kind of went to the exception, but also, definitely there is abuse parents there is. So if there is a case of abuse, what these kids should do, you know, one, they should maintain the duties toward their parents, they're not allowed to be disrespectful to be violence, to not fulfill the obligations toward the parents. Okay, number two, if it depends abuse or levels, so if it is abused, that there is physical abuse, sexual abuse, or something of that nature, they should go to a safe place. And a third entity like in sexual abuse, there's a police has to be involved on. And it's more complicated. If it's a physical abuse, the same thing there is a protection must be provided.
And there is government entities, society involved and things of that nature and a hope. We talk about the abuse, you know, as we put some
clarification here. So, also, I would say, if there is a mental abuse, you know, there is also very bad especially as they grow older, there is a mental and emotional abuse, I will grow older, as the kids grow older parents use less maybe physical abuse, and became more of emotional or mental abuse. And in this case, I will advise this children to start up if they can open line of communication, otherwise, sometimes it is not a bad idea for them to move out. If they are 2025 23, you know, like in their 20s. And they can open their own homes and stuff like that, with maintaining the relationship if it's really reached to that level. But I think that's, you know, in certain cases,
that will be a solution. But there is someone that they need to talk to consult, but it might not be a bad idea for the person to, you know, take a step back, so they will not reach to a level of confrontation, and it became ugly. That is one thing you said in your talk. And I know you said it because you hear it because they hear it too. And in my opinion, it's the most disturbing. One of the most disturbing things I hear from girls, which is they living a very bad life at home. So they want to get married to get rid of this, you know, abusive parents Habiba at my daughter, my sister, you don't get married, because you want to get rid of your parents. That's not why you get married.
That's not why you get married because you want to run away from your home. That's just I can guarantee you if that's why we do your marriage, most likely not going to be successful. Because you're not going to choose the right person. You get married because that's the right person. I get married to someone not just I can live with somebody I can't live without and I don't mean that to make it sound Oh, I mean, it did sound Oh, no, it says I mean that you know you live with someone that you know what became your life and she became your life and Central.
This is the table that's why you get married not because you're gonna get rid of your parents. I just wrong reason for you to get married.
Yeah, absolutely. All right. So
I want to mention something important and that is, we have a service here in southeast Houston right now.
and sisters, Dean, I've got to Herman and sister settled one, they're awfully offering youth counseling, you know, free of charge on their own time, as a service to the community go back. And look, if anyone is in need of that as a need of talking, there's nothing wrong with that. And, you know, call the office and we'll help you get in touch and get set up an appointment with either one of them. So that's a service that's there, and it's free, take advantage of it and there and there not only are they qualified, but they also will be supervised as they take you through the process.
So I kind of did comment on just the one extreme of everything being on the soft end, the other extreme, the other end is a man is just tough. A strong muscular, stoic does not show emotions that does not say I love you. And, and this is one say, sorry, doesn't say sorry, is always rude. speaks their mind. Now sometimes, a lot of times you should not speak your mind. Right. So that's the other extreme. And And one thing that's very characteristic of the West is that they always jump from one extreme to the other there, we skip the middle path. I don't care what anybody says, I'll give you proof. And you just pick one issue after another they go from one extreme to the other extreme,
immediately they skip the middle. So though What about once you say one thing they say what about and they take it all the way through to the end? And this is what's happening to masculinity now All right. So you know, in don't want to change the topic. But in short, and movies and video games in the movies, the guy they kill his wife and his child, Does he cry very little, then what did you do? You told me what? Yeah, he screams the camera shot from that he's screaming in the rain like this. And then as you do the rest of the movie, he's avenging their death, he murders the whole village and every cat in it, right? Because he shows anger doesn't cry. So what's term polio, it is
called Bollywood. Bollywood now they're murdering everybody. So that's an extreme. So then what happened? The reaction to that you can watch these documentaries and it's all there's one called behind the mask. I think this is before COVID Who is called behind the mask. And now there is no such thing as gender no such thing as masculinity and you only become a boy because your father gave you a truck but if they gave you a Barbie doll, you would be an economic folly. They just missed the middle. And what's beautiful is in Islam, we have that middle alright.
So I'm not all on the on one end or the other, but there is a middle and that's, you find that with the Navy, Solomon is character it's perfect. It's perfect in his character, right there in the middle, not extreme this way or the other way.
Well, and here are all
We have so much this year as well as siblings and expectations and you know, you brought up the whole masculinity and Sudan thing so I wanted to tell you the story of when I broke my arm and so that yeah, also Charla next time when we talk about family as well. I would like to talk about Father Father accounts a lot. Yeah, a lot of time like father is kind of missing in this equation. So there's a lot of talk about father
as for next week in Charlotte data we're really excited to we're going to be having a guest ASAP
there'll be joining us in Charlotte data next week from from Dallas. The broken arm. Oh, no, we don't have time for that. Oh, come on quickly.
After the great story, I've told you it before. Yeah, okay. Okay.