Married Ever After #07 Principles 10 & 11

Ali Hammuda


Channel: Ali Hammuda


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The transcript discusses the importance of gratitude in marriage, including the need for a deep, realizative conversation with oneself, the importance of gratitude to your spouse and partner, and the importance of practical gratitude. The concept of "Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma Grader's Prisma

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This evening in sha Allah, we're going to complete the first bundle, or even the second bundle of principles.

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So we said that the very first bundle was principles from the Quran about the cognitive matters, matters of perception, things that the Muslim needs to be aware of well before he or she enters into the marriage.

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And then we have the second batch of principles, which are the principles from the Quran, for the duration of the marriage, to ensure that it is flourishing, and it is blossoming, we're going to complete the second batch this evening with principle number 10. Then we're going to start the third batch, the penultimate batch, which are principles for the Quran, from the Quran to deal with problems as and when they begin to arise in a marriage. And of course, we will conclude with the fourth batch which is principles from the Quran, post divorce. So principle number 10. This is from the batch of what still we're completing for the flourishing the blossoming of a marriage

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is where Allah subhanaw taala said in Surah, two, Ibrahim, what if there isn't a book on the English cartoon that as Eden Nakhon

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when your Lord proclaimed, that if you are grateful, I am going to increase you are the Inca Pharaoh tune in now Derby, lucha de lead, but if you are ungrateful, then indeed My punishment is severe. This what you just heard your brothers and sisters is a metaphysical equation.

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One that says, Where there is gratitude there will be abundance and where there is ingratitude, there will be a deficiency.

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This is a law that is fixed and it is stationary. This law that if you show gratitude, Allah who will increase is just as predictable as the rising of the sun is on every single morning.

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And it is just as fixed as the Newtonian laws of physics that you studied at school. Gratitude equals an increase in things for you to be happy about and to thank Allah for.

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ingratitude equals more things for you and I to complain about.

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And this rule of gratitude equals abundance applies to every one of the walks of life. This is business financial, this is marital, social at the wider level, it is spiritual, where there is Schuco there is an increase and the opposite is just as true

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this is why I love the words of iman will be Rahima hula who said that in a chakra

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call you don't know Judy, was so you don't have Oh God. He said Gratitude

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is the shackle, which you use to chain up what you have. And gratitude is the bait that brings you what you don't.

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Gratitude are the chains, the shackles that protects and preserves what you have. But not just that, he said it is the bait. It's the rod that fetches you the things that you don't have.

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So you see how valuable a principle this is for a husband and wife in their marital relationship where there is show called mutual gratitude between them.

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And above that gratitude to Allah for having one another. What type of flourishing and blossoming this can bring into a marriage?

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And you find Subhanallah that the Quran has given so many promises.

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But more often than not, these promises of Allah are linked to his mushiya

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meaning his divine will.

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So Allah subhanaw taala will say for example, your Zulu may Yeshua, Allah provides to whomever he wills

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look at how this was connected to his mushiya If he will, he will provide

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Allah Almighty He said a second example hola hola. T from very bad to hear Zuko mania shot he said for sulfur you could Nico Mala hoomin Sadly he in sha Allah will increase you in His bounty, if he if he wills again connected to his word, his mushy or his divine Well,

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Allah subhanaw taala he said in the context of dua, say actually for Maratha to Hona Alayhi in sha he will respond to your DUA and he will remove your difficulty if He wills

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examples from the Quran that you just heard where Allah is giving is connected to his divine will if He wills.

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Yet when he subhanaw taala speaks about gratitude, there is no connection to his machine.

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He said that in Shackleton as Eden,

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if you are grateful, I'm going to increase you. And the i does not say if Allah wills, as if to say it is such a certain guarantee that if you are grateful Allah who will increase you and there is no need to say If Allah Almighty wills and everything, of course by the will of Allah, this is a message.

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However, subhanAllah it seems that the tendency of the human being

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is one of gnome

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a nasty bit of work at times how ingratitude

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is inculcated, embedded installed within the human being.

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It seems to be a human tendency that we will show in gratitude to those people and those things that are nearest to us.

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Whether that is Allah Jalla Jiang who is the nearest to us, in respect to his knowledge and his fevers and his hearing and his seeing Allah said about this in Al Insana, love alumawood, kuffaar man by his nature is unjust, and he is very ungrateful, kuffaar.

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And very ungrateful towards our mothers and fathers, the nearest of people, and ungrateful towards our husbands and wives.

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And perhaps in the relationship of marriage is where we see in gratitude, in gratitude, appearing in its most manifest forms.

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So you will find that in the early years or the early months, let us say, of a marriage.

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Anything that one spouse does to the other is interpreted in the greatest light and praises lavished. Thank you so much, how could I be living without you?

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You appreciate your husband, your sister in the early parts of your marriage for being that knight in shining, shining armor, bringing home a handsome income each evening, providing for the house, you appreciate that you're grateful. But what happens is that with the passage of months, and years, all of a sudden, the narrative changes, she starts to say, Well, why should I thank him? This is his duty.

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He's not providing for me, he's going to be friendly for another woman.

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Ah, ingratitude now begins to the cancerous roots of ingratitude are beginning to appear in that family.

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And likewise, a husband may say to his wife, although in the early parts of their marriage, the meal that his new bride cooked for him was the best meal in the world. And he was so grateful. Now with the passage of a few years, it's like why should I be grateful if you're not cooking for me, you'll be cooking for another man.

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There's nothing special in that after all, it's your duty, he will say ah ingratitude.

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And then issues begin to arise and they go to the therapist and the counselor and they say, it must be ing it must be hazard something is affecting the relationship. Now, it couldn't be a lot less complicated than that. It could be simpler because we have avoided this principle that says what,

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what you've done or bucola in Shackleton as Eden, if you are grateful, Allah says, I will increase you a promise from Elijah and

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and studies have found this was done by the University of Georgia that those married couple who are grateful to one another have the highest percentage of seeing their marriage survive and thrive.

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And those who are ungrateful have the greatest tendency to walk away from one another in divorce. Gratitude is a month is a is a mentality of abundance. It is a bringer of what you don't have a preserver of what you do.

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So now the question that poses itself is how does one express gratitude?

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How does one unlock this treasure trove of opportunities by being grateful to one spouse?

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Imam viburnum am.

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He tells us that gratitude to Allah has three pillars. And what we can do is extend those pillars to our relationship with our wives, our husbands.

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The same three pillars apply. How does want to show gratitude to Allah June or July? Well, we mentioned it in the change of heart series for those of you who are with us.

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Imam Abdullah him he says a shoe Kuru we are cool Bill Cosby who was the candidate

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will be Lisa, Annie, Santa and what you're often what Bill God he Patton when piada he said gratitude to Allah is shown first of all internally by way of your heart when it submits and how

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mumbles itself to Allah. That's the first pillar of gratitude. It's an internal one.

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He said, number two, gratitude is verbal, by way of what you say praise and acknowledge the virtues of Allah upon you.

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And pillar number three, practically by way of submitting and obeying Elijah legendado.

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So he says that one who is grateful to Allah, truly Shakira, really and only he truly thankful to Allah as favors. He's thankful to him internally. He's thankful, thankful to him verbally, and he's thankful to him, practically every one of those three is required. And this is a this is a Blessed Trinity. And this is an obligation. Now, if you were to extend this trinity, if you were to extend these three pillars, to the marital relationship, I say to you gratitude to your husband or wife is of three pillars, it's the exact same thing.

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First of all, now, we want to put this principle into application.

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There has to be an internal sense of gratitude to your spouse, if you want Allah to give you the treasures associated with this principle, which is as either nakoma will give you more

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an internal one. What does that mean?

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It means that deep down inside of you, you're very grateful to have a spouse, you're grateful to be married.

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within you, you are so thankful to Allah first and foremostly for sending you a spouse who's chosen you over all people

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and then you are grateful to your spouse.

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The messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said as Ibnu headband rates

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on the authority of Abu Huraira that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said Lyle Guyana hadoo Kumara, who Yeoman Kiana one of you will meet his load on the day of judgment

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for your hula and Allah will say to him,

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Allah, Osaka Lachelle, Haida Gwaii Bill, did I not subdue for you horses and camels,

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other cattle as what our dogs did I know give you leadership and positions of authority on the land.

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And then he says what? Look at question number three ILM was a Whitaker Fula and did I not marry you to such and such woman

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Kotla bajo taboo many men wanted her in marriage, from an hour to whom an AI prevented them was a watch Touka and I married you to ha

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so this is the first pillar of gratitude to your spouse is internally you are in acknowledgment to Allahu Allah, Judah who that has given you marriage. And you are in acknowledgement your spouse for being there for you. So what I'm sharing with you now is not an intellectual exercise. This is not about a theory that needs to be understood. This is about a deep, internal, contemplative conversation you have with yourself where you are genuinely grateful to Allah Jalla Jalla who forgiving you this individual in your life, with their flaws and with their blemishes.

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And you see our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam we quoted his words when he praised Khadija and she had passed away. What do you read in the undertone of his Cayambe of his praise? It is thankfulness it is gratitude for her.

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When he praised her what would he say amen to be it kufra be a nurse she believed in me when all others disbelieved was a dichotomy if Canada the nurse and she said to me I'm truthful with everyone else said I was a liar. While I certainly be madly her if harmony knows, and she gave me from her wealth when everyone else deprived me. What does that canola mean? Hawala Hara money, I will add An Nisa and Allah gave me children from her and I have no children from any other wife. What do you read in the undertone of those words? Gratitude to Khadija.

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So if

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you are struggling with this,

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and you're not content, and you feel that you could have done better

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and your heart feels it is not grateful. Ask yourself a few questions. Perhaps it will change.

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Is it not such that my wife takes care of my children and cleans my home and tends to my needs?

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If the answer is yes, then prostrate to Allah and gratitude and say Alhamdulillah because many other men, as you may know are spending heaps of heaps of money trying to find

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house cleaners and tutors and child minders to do what your wife is doing free of charge.

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Dear sister, if your husband is he not bringing somewhat of a reasonable income, an average income on each evening each month if the answer is yes, see Alhamdulillah

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Allah has spared you the burden of needing to fend for yourself. And you are spared from the day to day anxieties of work and the anxiety of an unknown future and you've been blessed with the stability of marriage, say Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah. Is it not my brother, my sister that your spouse tries her best religiously with her flaws with his flaws, they pray five times a day, say Alhamdulillah because your neighbor is complaining of a spouse who's refusing to pray.

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You have so much to be grateful about what is the opposite of this.

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The opposite of what of having internal gratitude feeling it inside before we talk about the other two pillars. The opposite of this is discontentment.

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always comparing your spouse with others

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always feeling that you could have somehow pulled someone far prettier, far taller, darker and more handsome, someone far richer than your husband far more beautiful than your wife. This person will never be satisfied.

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Because as they say that gratitude is something

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which if you use that which is with you will increase and when you don't have gratitude, nothing will ever be enough.

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And shaytaan is always whispering to the ingrate the calf or the ingrate saying to him or her the grass is always greener on the other side you have no idea what you've missed out on. Now Allah he the one who is ungrateful to Allah ungrateful to their spouse, the grass will never be greener for them on any side.

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And this is a fact.

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Allah Allah Allah, Allah Allah who he says well at the time and nomophobia Allah will be Heba Kumar lava, don't wish for the things that Allah has preferred some of you over others, don't long for them.

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And look at the ones who are beneath you. Don't look at those who are above you, because that will help you not belittle the favor of Allah upon you. So this is the pillar number what number one, the idea of a shoe Kruja Chornobyl can be the internal sense of gratitude that you really grateful to Allah that you are married to a Muslim or a Muslim with their faults and their blemishes, you are married.

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You now have an outlet. Think of your brothers and sisters who do not think of a time when you're only companion worthy whisperings of shape and then you remember where that takes where that took you and where it takes people. Alhamdulillah the second pillar we said is the verbal sugar. We're sure we're gonna be Lisa and Ethan anmatyerre. Often the verbal sense of gratitude.

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To say to this individual from time to time, I am grateful for you, does Akela Heron dark Allahu fique for what you provide and the value you add to this family, we couldn't do it without you after Allah subhanaw taala.

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And see it is very sad when

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this pillar of gratitude speaking about it is only mentioned in a counseling session. When husband and wife they're now speaking to a sheikh about their problems and the brother or the sister will say to their spouse, but you know, honey that I love you. You know that I'm so grateful. She says now you're saying if you haven't said that for years, why in this session,

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people want to hear it. In fact, if Allah Jalla Jalla, who who knows what is inside of you, you may be the most grateful Muslim in the world to him. He knows what is inside of you yet he wants to hear you praise you.

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What then of human beings? Well, then if we can make deficient human beings like us, we want to hear it. And that's why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said non Sunni elite he now rufen

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for Allah Jazak Allahu hyaluron Sakata Avila, Rafi Sana, the hadith of Osama bin Zayed, whoever has a favorite done for him. And then he says, Look, he says Jazak Allah will express his gratitude, then you've given full praise. You have given full praise. When you say Jazak Allah al Qaeda, you've reciprocated the favor. The idea is that it needs to be what needs to be expressed verbally. Don't be stingy. It doesn't cost anything but it has unlimited value to our relationship. In fact, when a man was with the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and he saw another Sahabi walking by and he said Messenger of Allah, I love that man over there. He said to him, did you ever tell him he said

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no. He said, Go and tell him so he went and he said to the man, I love you for the sake of Allah. And the man said, i To love you for the sake of Him whom you love before. express it.

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The opposite of this is what?

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The opposite of this is never expressing it.

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And here you have an issue.

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And that's why the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said

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About the ungrateful spouse, he said

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lie jamboree love, who elaborate Attila schoolgirls, oh gee Ha he allowed to study and who the hadith of Al Hakim, on your authority of Abdullah hypnotically blas, Allah does not look at a woman.

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Allah does not look at a woman who does not express her gratitude to her husband. While she cannot do without him.

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The idea of expressing gratitude is not enough to say she should know when I'm working nine to five every day for all I'm paying the bills for who are bringing in their shopping for who Zaca here. This is the practical gratitude. We'll speak about that in a moment, but people need to hear it.

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And in the hadith of Al Bukhari, have you thought of him to have does the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said already to now that either Axolotl actually has a nice out Oh, yuck foreigner. He said I was shown the hellfire.

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And I saw that the majority of its inhabitants were women, and that is because they engage in a lot of Kufa. And Cofer as you know can be translated or understood as rejection of Allah, or it can be understood as being ungrateful.

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And he meant here the latter meeting and that's why the women when they heard this, they said yeah, Colin Avila messenger of ALLAH, do you mean that people disbelieve in Allah? We women we are disbelieving in Allah He said, No. Your Corner Alaska your work for Santa Santa Isla Honda, Honda, Dara Tamara admin cache and Carla Tamara. To me. He said know what I mean by this is that they're ungrateful to their husbands, and they are ungrateful to his favors. He said, he said, he may do a lifetime's worth of good to her. But if he makes one mistake, she will turn around and say to him, you've never done anything good for me. This is the Hadith.

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After a lifetime's worth of goodness, you may make one mistake and she will say you have never done any good for me. So the opposite of expressing gratitude is this and look at where it can land a Muslim man or a Muslim woman.

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So we said pillar number one is the idea of the internal sense of gratitude that you feel it inside. Number two, it is a mere a verbal manifestation of Schuco you express it, does that mean that BarakAllahu li que speak about it. This is proven to improve the quality of a marriage. And number three, one of the most important dimensions is the practical aspect of so called gratitude to one another.

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Practical gratitude, the first is useless. The second is useless if the third pillar is missing.

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How many times have couples have said I don't care if you are grateful inside of you. If you feel grateful, I don't care if you tell me how much you love me and how grateful you are to me as a husband or wife. What I care is about what money talks right? Actions speak louder than words.

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Walk the walk, where is it?

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The practical gratitude.

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And practical gratitude could be for example, sharing the burdens of one another the burdens of life. A husband who helps around in the in the house, a wife who is reasonable in her request from her husband, gifts that they give to one another. These are examples of practical gratitude.

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And perhaps one of the most obvious manifestations of practical gratitude in the marital world is the element

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of faithfulness,

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to avoid infidelity

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to keep your gaze lowered, and to keep your affection shared with one individual and one alone.

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Especially when it is outside of the department of that which is highlight.

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A person who is unfaithful to his or her spouse at the core of what they are doing, is screaming out to the world and saying I am ungrateful for the Indiana of the righteous or the permissible spouse that Allah has gifted me with. I am discontent with his fever. I will look elsewhere.

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And that's why McCullough didn't say in one of our predecessors, he said when defining a shocker, he said, Can you call in a shoe Karunya naughty Terkel, NASA he said that people used to say gratitude is the avoidance of sins.

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He said if you're looking for a definition of gratitude Shakur, it is the avoidance of sins. So in the language of marriage, it is gratitude. It is the avoidance of what destroys of marriage and what destroys a marriage more than infidelity and being unfaithful.

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And such an individual has forgotten that the principle we are studying now, the insha cartoon as Eden come if you shall go

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attitude I will increase you, he has forgotten that he has a second half weather in California to him in either been sad but if you are ungrateful, My punishment is severe. And now that he has become or she has become an unfaithful spouse, they are now tasting the bitter consequence of this latter half of the principle, they are seeing now the punishment of being ungrateful.

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They all complain of the same thing, may Allah pardon them all and pardon us.

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They see what it means now, when the punishment of Allah arrives, for not being fully grateful for this Nam. They see now, a dysfunctional family because the gaze has been wandering around and affection has been shared with others and kind in romantic words has extended beyond the permissible spouse. And now their family comes crumbling down when it is discovered. Dysfunctional family in Hyderabad, Alicia did Allah said My punishment is severe for the ungrateful ones. Children, who now experienced the full force of their parents infidelity, and the trauma, when they feel that mum and dad have exchanged this for another set of children. They grew up confused and unaware.

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And then huge financial repercussions traveling from area to area city to city because kids are not with you anymore, or legal settlements or their likes.

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And then you have that cancerous sore of regret that cripples you for ill and poor choices you made in your life.

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And then you see the trust that has been demolished in the life of your wife or husband that is very difficult to repair. And rarely is it repaired.

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Because in feed these things in most cases, we only have one chance.

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And you begin to experience these pains, these anguishes that keep you up at night because of these ill decisions. And you remember La ilaha illallah how valuable your spouse was how beautiful the good old days were. You remember how grateful you should have been? Now you realize how valuable your spouse was, but guess what? It's a little bit too late now.

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It's a little bit too late.

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Allah said, well, in Khartoum, if you are ungrateful in either vilasa deed, My punishment is severe.

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And Allah Jalla Jalla who said well, Dora Allahu methylome Karim. Allah has given the example of a city you know, 10 motorman, India, it was safe and secure now sha Allah Yachty How does kohara Amin Cooney McCann, its provisions were coming to it abundantly from all places what happened for Cafaro to be anomala. But it became ungrateful towards the favors of Allah. So what happened?

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Further, Allah Who knew better, God will hopefully be mccadden with us now. So Allah made that city taste the extremes of hunger,

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and fear because of what they used to do. Many husbands and wife were like this, in a beautiful relationship, their provision coming to them from all places, physically, spiritually, in terms of food and drink, in terms of finances, security agreement, it was all in place, but one of them was ungrateful to the favor of Allah. And they began to knock on the doubtful doors.

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And Allah made them taste the extremes of hunger or thirst or poverty or fear or insecurity or depression or anguish or their likes, because of what they used to do.

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So brothers and sisters, if we are grateful to Allah, Jalla Jalla, Allahu, and then to our spouses, Allah has promised an increase, please realize

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that the

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pursuit for happiness

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and individual pleasure has become in the 21st century like a God that is worshipped. It's become like an idol.

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The Pursuit of Happiness is a religion today.

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And it's bringing a greater burden than it is liberation and happiness. This is the reality.

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And rather now talking about what you can give, the idea is about what you can receive, what the government, what people, what your family, what your spouse can do. For you. The sense of entitlement is phenomenal.

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And that's why there's everyone, everyone's talking about human rights, but very rarely will you find someone talking about human responsibilities. They have placed the philosophies of the 21st century, they have placed the human being at the center of the universe.

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Everything must serve him. Everything has to is about happiness, and your individual satisfaction, nothing else matters.

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And what happens as a result of this,

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you are now running after a worldly, earthly utopia that is unattainable and Allah has been sidelined and that creates a void in the heart. And that void is crippling to gratitude. It's crippling to Schuco

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and the

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There is really no better secret that can put a therapist and accounts that are out of business. Better than the secret of gratitude with it, we will not need any of these professionals. So if you are grateful Allah has promised an increase and I hope you see how valuable this is in the world of marriage. This is the end of the second batch of principles which we said were principles for the duration of a marriage when things are going well.

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Now we move on to principle 11. This is introducing a new batch. These are principles we're going to deal with from the Quran, for when the boat of marriage begins to rock.

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When issues begin to arise, and I share with you principle 11, the first of these principles

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from this third batch

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and this is where Allah Jalla Jalla who said in Surah 66 of the Quran, Arafa bada boom, we're out of the hanbok

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he the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam made some of it known. And he overlooked other parts. What does that mean?

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There was a problem that happened between the Prophet alayhi salatu salam and some of his wives. And so when he addressed the problem,

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and he was not to blame, Allah said, commenting on the behavior of the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam Allah said that he made some of it known, meaning he told them about some of his grievances and the things that they did. Were out of Anbar, but he overlooked other parts.

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In other words, he did not give them a full report of all of their downfalls. He mentioned some, and he overlooked other parts. And the key word here is what out of about he overlooked some parts.

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There is a concept in our religion known as a raffle. At the raffle, you can translate it as overlooking

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you can translate it as artificial or unawareness. Or you can translate it as feigning ignorance, pretending to be unaware of a matter.

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Being in a relationship where there is constant criticism over every minor and major micro matter is very annoying and suffocating.

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And that criticism can take the form of critique,

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course correction, frowning, editing,

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whatever it may be, whatever you do, there is a sense of editorial commentary that's happening. Everything you do seems to be wrong. And this is very agitating for a spouse.

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Allah said about the Prophet Alayhi Salatu was Salam. He made known some of it, but he overlooked. He overlooked other parts.

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And John Gottman, who's a couples researcher, he said that nitpicking is a huge predictor of marital failure. When one or the other is constantly blaming constantly criticizing constantly pointing out the blemishes. More often than not, this relationship will fail, Mr. Goldman, he said.

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So what is this idea of overlooking or recalling it to raffle? I'm going to give you a definition and try to memorize it. The scholars they say at the raffle Who Who are the colorful raffle it is to feign ignorance.

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It is to act as if you are unaware.

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Marla AMI when Iraqi Lima Yutaka Diwan, who whilst being fully aware of what it is that you're overlooking? So why do you do it? The definition says Tucker rumen water have one answer philosophy or more because of an inner sense of nobility that causes you to rise above petty matters.

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Did you get the definition?

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They say Ultra raffle is to feign ignorance whilst being fully aware of what it is that you're turning a blind eye to.

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And that is due to a sense of inner nobility that causes you to rise above petty matters.

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I think that it is very difficult to sustain a long term marriage without this principle of learning how to focus on the war, even if it means you have to lose a few battles along the way.

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It is key and that's why you find it exhibited in the life of the Prophet alayhi salaatu wa sallam is it not that they used to curse him? They did and they used to call him more than them. His name is Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam the praised one they would call him more than the meaning the

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reviled one, the despised one God forbid. But what would he say? So he has Buhari he would say Allah to add your Munna K for yesterday for Allah who I nichette Mal cooperation while Anna whom he said to his companions Don't you find it amazing how Allah subhanaw taala averts from me the cursing and swearing have courage.

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Yes to mourn and more than none and while I do and I'm with a man who Ana Mohammed one, they're cursing and swearing a man called Madonna. But my name is Muhammad. So why should I be offended? They're cursing a different man. Now, my question to you brothers and sisters, was he not aware alayhi salatu salam that you were intended? Was he not aware that when they said more than them, they were speaking about him.

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Of course, he was aware. But this is what we are speaking about here. This idea of telephone, this idea of overlooking this idea of keeping your eyes on the macro, the bigger picture and you my brother, as a leader of your family, this is required from you in higher dosages than even your spouse.

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This is expected from a leader

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to not be nitpicking and to not want to get the his weigh in every single argument and discussion. But understand that sometimes I will have to forsake some of my rights

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whilst ensuring that I am giving the full rights that other people deserve. This is the element of the half of it is a noble characteristic. It's an honorable treat.

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And you find you remember the hadith of OMO Zara that we spoke about? When our mother Aisha, she said that there were 11 women who came to her home.

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And they said that we're going to speak about our husbands and we're not going to hide any detail whatsoever.

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And each one of the 11 women spoke

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and then the 11th one said that my husband Abu Zahra did this, that and the other and the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said to our Isha that I was like Abu Zahra to Masada to you, but I will I will not divorce you. The interesting thing is a description of Woman number five from the 11 What did she say about her husband praising him? She said Zoji either the Hannah Fairhead will either her Raja acid Wallah is on my head. She said that my husband when he comes into the house is like a leopard.

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But when he leaves the house, he's like a lion. And when he returns home, he does not ask me about anything about the house.

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What does she mean? It's obvious when she says he goes out of the house. He's like a lion meaning his brief.

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When he comes into the house, he doesn't ask about any of the house matters meaning now you help me know he doesn't accuse her or does not have faith in her. She does not distrust her doesn't ask about anything he fully trust her.

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And the first description he said when he comes into the home he's like a leopard. The scholars of Hadith they said what is what she is saying is that my husband he is a man who engages into raffle he overlooks matters, because the leopard by his nature, he is sleepy. Yeah, now mocha Thea, and he's always sleeping. And one who is asleep is inattentive. So she is saying that my husband is like the leopard when he comes home, meaning he's inattentive. He sleeps a lot what she means by that as a metaphor that he does not focus on my faults.

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He's purposely ignoring my mistakes. And that is a praiseworthy characteristic in a human being, and no marriage can survive without it.

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And Al has an advisory he said, must ducks are karimun.

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No honorable man seeks to receive all of his rights in full law hierarchy. There will be elements of your rights as a husband, and of course as a wife that will not be fulfilled in full by your spouse. An honorable person is one who learns how to feign ignorance and looks at the bigger picture and says most of the things are well, so we can move on.

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And when a man called Earth man even knew that either he said Allah fear to Ashura to

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teach you how to mean happy to raffle off man, loser either he said that,

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well being, being well is of 10 parts. Nine parts of it is in being able to overlook

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your your well being your half year your happiness will come. 90% He is saying from your ability to overlook things that bother you.

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Give him 100 When he's heard this he said no, no, no. I fear to Ashura to Kulu half into half one and a half year well being is 10 parts. All 10 parts are integral often the idea of overlooking and that is expected from you, as I said, as a brother more than anyone else.

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And this is how we understand the area and not Quran where Allah said we're literally Jiali Allah hinda Raja, that men have a degree over them.

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Men have a degree over them what is meant by this degree that they have over women?

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Ah, ignore Jerry robbery. He said that the strongest opinion in my opinion with respect to this area is what Abdullah Hebrew Abbas, he said, who said that this is the ability of a man to overlook some of his rights in marriage, and to accept lesser of a deal whilst giving his full rights to his spouse.

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That's the behavior of a noble individual. And that's the behavior of a of a leader. If you want to put this principle into practice the idea of learning how to not be a nitpicker. What do you do?

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I'll give you three steps before we conclude first thing, if you are a picker, you're constantly nitpicking everything about your wife, or husband, their dress, or their appearance, or their ibadah, or their spirituality or their cooking, or they're working or have your own constantly commenting about something. The first thing you need to do is ask yourself the question, where is this coming from?

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Why am I like this? This could be for several reasons. And each reason has its own treatment. It could be because this is how your parents treated you. They were constantly criticizing you. And now, childhood is catching up with adulthood. It could be because you are calling for attention. Sometimes this nitpicking is a scream for attention.

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Sometimes it's because you've got nothing better to do. You just need to busy yourself with something else so that you stop focusing on these unnecessary details that's ruining the marriage. Sometimes this nitpicking is because of resentment, there's a bigger problem in your relationship. And it's appearing in the form of nitpicking.

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So that's the first thing an internal conversation, why am I like this? Where is it coming from, and treat it accordingly. Number two, before you nitpick before you focus on the detail, pause, breathe, reflect, do I need to speak?

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am I focusing on the rose of a situation? Or am I just focusing on the thorns? If you're focusing on the thorns, the negative of a situation then ask yourself the question, how important is it in the grand scheme of things.

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And if it is, like someone who's turning off water, when there is a fire in the house, I say to you, yes, involve yourself, otherwise, you will probably need to overlook it and keep your criticism to yourself.

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That's number two, think before you speak. Number three, if you decide that I do need to nitpick, or I do need to say something,

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then perhaps employ what they call in the world of business, the sandwich approach. This is something that business professionals are speaking about nowadays, and touting the idea of sandwiching, a negative negative criticism into layers of praise.

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So it looks something like this, that you are so good at such and such, you're wonderful, you're brilliant. And by the way, this could be improved here than the other. But by the way, you are wonderful and great. They call it the sandwich approach. These are three suggestions. For those who are studying or are struggling with this principle that says out rough about the home, we're out over and bad, he made known some of it, and he overlooked other parts.

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Brothers and sisters, in conclusion to this principle, there will be situations in your marriage that are simply unsolvable.

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There is no fix for it.

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If you want to be married, you're gonna have to accept that there are certain battles that you are going to lose. And if you are a wise spouse, you will accept to lose a few few of those battles so that you can win the war.

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And just by virtue of people coming together, from different backgrounds, different cultures, different acceptability is different experiences in life, there's going to be a clash. And therefore if you're always trying to fix it, you're going to have an issue. Rather there is a shift that needs to be made. Rather than seeing my problem as a problem that needs a solution. No, I shift it and I think about it as a challenge that requires management. However, if you are constantly nitpicking, what you will find is that your spouse will begin to hate your advice that comes from you. You say I just want to help you. She says I don't want your help. It's not because she doesn't need it. It's

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because she's resenting it because it's coming from you and you in her eyes or his eyes, you've become a nitpicker

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Ah, so, being the snip picker who does not know how to overlook is a very low social intelligence move. And it's a very quick way to remove from your sister your attractiveness and your appeal from the eyes of your

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and it's a very quick way my brother to demolish your charisma and leadership in a relationship when you don't know how to overlook certain petty matters that do not affect the grand scheme of your relationship.

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These are two principles we've covered today principle 10 Your Lord has proclaimed that if you are you are grateful he will increase you and principle 11 Or Allah says he made known some of it and he ignored he overlooked other parts are some alone in the Bina Muhammad Al Hamdulillah. Arabiya