The Art of Dealing with People
Channel: Ali Albarghouthi
File Size: 40.38MB
Sundaram, hamdu Lillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah Allah Allah wasabi wa sallam.
The title of lecture inshallah for today is the art of dealing with people,
what can call also called the wisdom
of dealing with people? Why is it an art? And why is it? Why does it need wisdom?
Because people are complicated,
right? People are complicated. And what's interesting, if you think about it, though, we are not dealing with different species. I mean, we're humans.
Yet, it's also hard to figure out other humans. Because we are so complicated and sophisticated.
I mean, we say things, but we mean other things. The exterior does not always represents the interior, our moods change, we have different experiences, we cannot predict the future not only for our others, but also for ourselves. So dealing with humans is very complicated. In fact, some have said, it's easier to deal with animals than humans. And if you agree, right, it's easier to manage animals than humans, because what is with animals, when it comes to animals, they're more predictable. And they often don't hide malice. I don't have experience with a lot of animals, but they don't hide malice. There's no hatred.
Maybe some animals have it, but not as much as humans. And there's more innocence over there and not as much complications. So
one word that you can say to human being, one wrong act, can change them, or one right act can change them from a friend to an enemy, or an enemy to a friend. And maybe you have experience with something like that. A long life friend, that you lose, or a long life enemy that you gain as a friend.
It can happen.
And if we don't know how to deal with people,
then we don't know then how to live as human beings, if we don't have that skill, that talent, to some of us, it comes naturally.
We're more adept, and better at dealing with people than others, others have to learn it. But actually, all of us, no matter what, whether we have the talent, the natural talent or not, there's a lot for us to learn about how to deal with humanity.
And that is why Allah subhanho wa Taala teaches it in the Quran.
And this is why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam teaches it in the sooner
because for you to be successful in this life, and in the next, you have to know how to deal with people. And there's an art to it. And there's wisdom behind it. So can you enter Let me ask you, can you enter Jannah? Without properly dealing with people? Can you? Is it possible?
Is it not possible?
Is it possible right to be successful in this life without knowing how to deal with people? No.
So if we don't know how to navigate that sometimes mysterious terrain, and understand human nature, understand how to respond to it,
and how to overcome sometimes our own weaknesses in those dealings. We're not going to be successful not only in this life, but also when we meet Allah subhana wa Taala. Because our Eman is not only based on how we are with Allah, but also how we are with humanity as well how we are with other people around us. So I'm gonna inshallah, share with you today, five or six points. And there's a lot more, there's a lot more. That's why I'm saying that the Quran is full of that principles, and lessons and benefits on how to be with other human beings. And the prophets of autism spoke about it. And he demonstrated that we deal with some of that, and then the Sahaba and the pious ancestors
that we have exemplified and reflected those teachings in their life. So when you reading how they live, and how they reacted to people around them, you will find in that the implementation
perfect sometimes and imperfect at other times, but the implementation of what Allah subhana wa Taala wants from us. So I'm going to start in sha Allah, sharing with you some of these principles. How do you deal with people?
The first thing to keep in mind and this is a point that only a religious perspective can bring the other points as secular non religious,
perspectives you know can have in common with us, but only the religious perspective will be able to tell you and share with you the following, that your relationship with human beings is part and parcel of your relationship with Allah xojo.
In other words, if I want to put it in a different way, as they say oscillation Marina Cobain Allah, useless Marina COVID, Venus fix what is between you and Allah, and Allah will fix what is between you and people.
So your relationship with other people, that interpersonal relationship that you have with humanity, I with other people, it does not only depend on how good you are towards them, it does depend on that. But it doesn't only depend on that, or what you say to them or what not say to them what you do with them or what you do not do. But part of that relationship is built on how you are with
Allah subhanho wa Taala that's why this statement is accurate. Fix what is between you and Allah. And Allah will fix both what is between you and humanity.
Other words, take care of what Allah wants from you. And Allah will take care of those relationships that you have with other human beings.
So here, we can see that there's a hidden element, imperceptible element to how you are with humanity and how they are with you. Meaning you can do everything in your power, to be good to another human being. Your spouse,
your children, your parents, your obedient, beautiful kind and everything. And yet Subhanallah you lose them as friends,
you lose them as a kind people around you. Why is that?
Someone who loves you, there's a Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam he says that the meaning of it,
there are two people who come close,
for the sake of Allah subhanho wa Taala or there is love between them. And there that love turns into hatred, it turns into hatred because of a sin that one of them has committed.
Following I'm saying you follow the prophets, artists and that means that is if there is Allah zildjian brought them together brought their hearts together.
And I think I said this before, that Allah has the agenda is the one who creates love in the hearts. You can do everything in your power for those, this person to love you and that person to be attracted to you and be nice to you. And these things will work if Allah wants it. But if it happens that Allah doesn't want it or you do something to upset an anger Allah has ever done, that love could be compromised and jeopardized. So you say you could do everything in your power for so and so to love You bet. You anger Allah azza wa jal and that love could decrease.
I once saw a beautiful diagram, if you can't see me in Shall I want you to imagine it of a triangle.
Okay, a triangle at the top angle of that triangle is aloha xojo
at the bottom base of that triangle, right one angle, and the other angle is you and another human being in that particular diagram, it was you and your spouse. So Allah has noted is at the top of the triangle, you could follow, right? And then you go down. And then the bottom is you at one angle, and then the other bottom is your spouse. It says,
If you move closer to the top moving, you're moving closer to what allows me to move closer to Allah as to what happens to both of you as you're moving closer to Allah is closer to each other, right? even further away from allies and what happens further away from each other. Right? So it's a beautiful diagram not only for spousal relationships, but any type of relationship you will have with humanity.
Does if you move closer to Allah azza wa jal, Allah will increase the love that is between you and other people, at least people who count people who matter, Allah will bring the hearts closer to each other, and then you move further away from Allah, then that love will decrease. Again the love that matters. Maybe those who disobey Allah will love you more because of it. But what is interesting about that love is that it does not last.
So as you know, Mario de la Juan Juan will come to my way later or the other one when he asked Michel de la wanna give me advice.
And she sent him something that is very relevant to someone who is in a leadership position, but anybody else as well. He says that he or she
said that of the other one one that is in fact a Hadeeth that anyone who pleases people, though he displeases Allah azza wa jal, Allah will be displeased with him, and people will be unhappy with him even if after a while, and the one who pleases Allah has Odin even though he is displeasing people, Allah will be pleased with him, and he will make people pleased with him, even if after a while. So here, take and think about that golden rule from Allah has Odell coming to you, to teach you something eternal about any relationship that you will have. That's a secret that I said that only a prophet of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam can teach you to be good with Allah and Allah will fix
your relationship with people.
And if you're not good with Allah azza wa jal, you're literally your relationship with people will suffer because of it. That's the first principle.
The second principle that I will share with you inshallah, I
think the best of people, this is personal love, I think the best of people and respond with the best in dealing with them.
So first, thinking the best, this is about your heart and mind.
And responded with the best This is about your tongue and body.
So when you're dealing with anyone around you advance, always just no one, thinking the best of them. Whatever they are saying, and whatever they are doing, think the best of them and do not suspect them. I'm going to say at the end of it inshallah, that there is always a room and should always be a room for Soobin suspicion, but just a minor room for it. But leave that aside for now.
When you meeting another human being, or Muslims in particular, don't approach them with sort of one meaning that you misinterpret everything that they're saying and everything that they're doing. Oh, he said this, but he means something else. Oh, he is talking about me. Oh, he is referring to me. He's alluding to one of my mistakes, one of my shortcomings.
This is not what how you should approach people.
One is for your own sake, first of all, because if you suspect everyone else, you ruin your relationship with everybody else around you. So uncertain men, so and so men, that bad thing about me, or what was apparently nice was in fact, a hidden implicit critique of me. And the other person did not mean that, but you took it as such. So your wife, your heart will turn against them right wrong, will turn against them.
And remember that diagram that I said about a lot of being on top and you and the other person being at the bottom of that triangle.
There is another insight that I'll share with you that only comes from a religious perspective. Also any type of relationship that you have, there is not only Allah azza wa jal who is part of that relationship, but also who
let me see
the profits or the syllabus part the profits all incentive is part of what Allah azza wa jal Wright has sent to us. But there is another being is trying to do now I'm going to giving it away who's trying to do the opposite.
The shape on the shaytaan is part of that relationship as well. And he's waiting, if a lot does not occupy his rightful place in that relationship, who takes it because there's a vacancy who takes it.
That's why Allah zildjian says in the Quran, hold a baddie hula t as an industry, Atlanta, Enza. bobino is still my servants and slaves to say the best because indeed the shavon is trying to poke and ruin what is between them. So the shaytan is waiting for you to say something and for him to say something for her to say something and for her to respond.
So that he can take the worst interpretation of what they said and turn it against you and turn it against her. So Allah is saying pay attention to the shaytan is trying to do that.
And it will try to advance the worst interpretation of what you're saying. So Allah is saying what, when you're going to try to say something, pull a bear the Hulu allottee here, let them say what is best. Not only what is good?
Allah is not asking you in that is a what is good. What is he asking you to say? What is best? There's a difference between good and best, right?
There is good, but there is better. And there is better when there is best. He says if you can choose the best
that can win the heart of that human being, and fill them with happiness, and not be misinterpreted. Say that. And if there is a rule for misinterpretation and misjudgment, you go ahead and you block that, and you fill that and make sure that they don't misinterpret and misjudge you.
And that is how you block the way for the shaytaan.
That's why in the Hadith of the prophets of Allah, Allah, you only were Selim and you can derive from that a general rule, he says, if there are three of you, in this study,
if there are three of you, and let not two of you, okay, speak in secret, and exclude the third person actually, and that again, as you know, because this will sad in him.
So he says, Now, who is doing that? The shaytaan will take advantage of his so if you want to block this way of the shaytaan, you don't leave him an opportunity. So think the best of people in your in your time in when they when they're talking when they're doing things, and don't suspect them without a reason. And if you do this, right, you will feel better on the inside, and you will respond with the best on the outside. And the second part of the second point that I presented and respond with the best
respond with the best
you should be the person who first advances the Salah, you should be the person who first advances the greeting and gratitude
and being thankful you should be the person who does the best without be waiting for return.
And if you receive harm from people,
you should respond with what
how should you respond if a person advances an insult? or injury? or anything else that hurts? How should you respond that we were talking about the wisdom here? forgiveness.
And there's also something higher than that forgiveness is the first level forgiveness is the first level.
Forgive and forgiveness
ask Allah to forgive them. Right. So this is all good. I'm going to add one more instability here.
It's vouchers that
this is a son. It's fabulous. He remember when we said earlier about the holding that he
tell my slaves that they see what is the best than what Allah says it's for now and it's a different day. It's fabulous. He hasn't even really been a Covino advocate delicate novoline having pushback respond with what his accent.
So now if someone does something bad to you, or even something good, but definitely something back to you, how are you going to respond Ally's saying as when he said with speech,
he says with actions choose what is best not only what is good, but what is best. And that is the thing that you do. And now you will turn a person who is an enemy of yours into a close ally and a friend. That is a son.
That is a son. So if you think about how do I win?
How do I win this person to make him a friend instead of an enemy? Suppose that in this room,
you have 50% of our friends and 50% of them are your enemies.
Based on what you do and how you respond, you can turn most of that 50% or enemies into friends, right? You can win them over. How can you win them over so
that he can respond with what is best. If they insult
and you just not insults you don't insult them back and you forgive them that is good.
But if you honor them and respect them and feed the you know declare to them right that you despite all of this, that you still close to them and you're making dua to them, and then you go after them and invite them a gift and you are closed and if they need help you help them that is the essence
that is the essence
You will completely disarmed that person and their shaytan. And you will turn them from an enemy into a friend from a full form a person who is filled with hatred and bitterness towards you and other people to a person who loves you.
And that is what Allah subhanho wa Taala wants from you. any situation that you can find yourself in, at work inside your home outside while you're driving in the grocery store, if you remember this, that you advance and you come forward with forgiveness, as the brother has said, and
kindness, and respond to unkindness and cruelty.
Now that because they were cool, I'll be also cruel to them equally cruel to them, not because they were insulting, I will also reciprocate with insults. You don't want anybody like that you only create more enemies when you do this know when that person over by responding with kindness and forgiveness, and you will turn them into better people. And that is the art of winning people over and decreasing the enemies that you have. So if you don't want at least if you don't want to increase the number of enemies that you have and turning people against you, which is not wise, turn them into an attempt to turn them into friends and you turn them into friends by being kind to them.
Now connected to this inshallah.
I said that there always should be some certain level of sort of
suspicion, some certain level, but a minor one, but a minor one. That is the moment that reliever often and most of the time, he approaches people with
the best of thoughts about them.
But at one point, you will need to practice some suspicion, when do you practice that suspicion?
First, when a person has proven himself or herself not to be worthy of good thoughts, or the best of thoughts, meaning that a person who lies often or steals often do you go and trust them with your valuables or your secrets?
You know that this person will broadcast anything that you tell them?
Or the person if you give them anything that you have, he will squander it. You say no, I can't have sold one of that person. Let me give him anything that I have will share my secrets with them. Do you do that? That type of supervision is allowed. And it's actually called hazard has meaning being, you know, cautious. Or you're walking down the streets. And you know that even if that street is inhabited by Muslims, but you know that that Street has a bad reputation. You can trust people there with your valuables and you holding on really quickly and you're holding on tightly to your purse or your wallet until someone turns to you and says you just have handled all of these are Muslims, you
know, this is sort of one
is that you know, something to be condemned or praised.
Praised, because you're being
cautious. Or you know that someone if you open or give this thing to them, it will be tempting to them.
So you keep it away from them. Because you're afraid that if it is right next to them, it will be tempting. They're weak against it. So you know, I'm going to save them from that temptation. That's also caution.
Also you understand in general human nature,
and that if you give someone your secret, human nature in general is weak when it comes to secrets and he will share or he will share that with others.
Are you supposed to share your secrets with them?
So there is an element of suilven element of suspicion that is allowed in Islam. But in general, a Muslim is hard, especially the believer is white and clean, and in fact at times is gullible and naive. Why? Because he is not
an expert in the ways of evil. He doesn't like he doesn't see the profits of all he sent him said in the Hadith. me know they don't carry a movement is naive and generous. Welfare Judo have wounded him and disobedient person the sinner is deceptive and wicked. That is when a deceptive person or when a wicked person like the hypocrites of the time of the Prophet salonica Center. They're donating What do they say?
All right. Oh, he has millions. This is nothing.
There's so there's always right a cynical, you know i cynical comment, right that comes out of their mouth
because they suspect anything and everything that they see, oh, this person is coming to the machine Oh, you don't know what they do outside Why? Because this is how they are.
You follow khulumani around NASA. Everyone sees people according to their own nature. If I'm a thief, everybody else's What? A thief if I lie everybody else's word, liar. I don't trust anybody Why? Because I lie all the time.
But if I don't lie, and somebody comes and tells me something
I believe in. I don't lie.
If I trust people, this is why the prophets already sent me says they don't carry meaning because he is like that. He can easily be deceived.
They say that.
radi Allahu anhu he had some slaves.
And whenever he saw this slave to be devout in worship and praying, he would do what? Freedom.
So they told them, I mean, they're just playing tricks on you. Right? What did he say? Parliament? donabedian had another he says one who tries to deceive us through Allah will be deceived. If you're going to try to use this. Because why? What is the alternative? what's the alternative?
Is that you're gonna think that every slave of yours or everybody else that is around you, is praying because they're trying to play tricks on you and fasting because they're trying to that is not what a way that you want to think about people. I'd rather think that everybody who's praying is sincere. And everyone who's fasting is sincere, and everyone's making vigorous, sincere. I don't want to think the opposite. If you want to deceive me like this, let me be deceived.
Why can other honey
Okay, and by the way, I'm not saying all of you be gullible and be naive to a degree where you are being criticized for it know, the Prophet sallallahu Sallam says And another
thing. He says, a man is not bitten twice from the same place. If you were bitten once, what happens later? Ah, be cautious. Now. You know, be careful. This is dangerous, this person may not be trusted.
You're okay. It's okay if it happens the first time, but not the second time. But that's like another Hadith where the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was talking about a Sally's salatu salam. And he said he saw someone
that looked like he's stealing
sakala who in the casaco indicated he says you're stealing? So he said to Allah He I'm not Allah He I'm not. So what is SSA are meant to be lucky enough to say I believe in Allah and they deny my eyes.
I believe in Allah. And I deny my eyes. They say Why? He says because he does not want to feel or know or believe that anyone can believe it is twit swear by Allah azza wa jal, this honestly.
And they say maybe that that person is here, there is the possibility, maybe that person it looked like he's taking something that is not his, and it actually is his. So because he said what law he it is mine and as long as it does not receive revelation from Allah, He says will lie it is mine, he says I believe you go, right. So this is how a person should live. Right. And this is how hard should be approach people with the best of thoughts, not the wicked of most wicked thoughts, the best of thoughts.
The third one, and this is important in Sharla
people actually exists whenever you're going to meet them in that moment, in that hour in that day, in that month in that here at different levels of maturity and knowledge.
And they exist at different psychological conditions and emotional conditions and intellectual conditions. And because people are different, you cannot approach everybody the same way with the same principles or the same attitude with the same behavior. You have to adjust accordingly. One person or some people are patient and others are what not one person is going through terrible times. When you meeting him and another person has just gotten promoted and he has a son and he has a daughter and he is ecstatic and elated and then the other person is suffering. This person is prone to anger and the other person is not this person is a knowledgeable person and this person is
ignorant. This person comes from the city and this person is of the village and so on and so on and so on and so on.
The background, the maturity of this person, their age, how they are have their experience, even that particular day affects how they will respond to you, and then what they will say to you, and what they will accept from you and how they will react.
So you have to approach these differently and for that you have to know them.
And for that to have to be wiser.
And I'm going to use here an image the first image I used was the image of that triangle, I'm going to use a different image. Imagine you know, how cars come with different tanks and different capacity for fuel.
Each person of us has his or her own tank
and your own tank could be at a 30% capacity, you did not upgrade
30% capacity, I know there is a 50% another is a 90% and another is 100%.
So your tank for patients today is that a 30%
can do more
your tank for knowledge today or for that person so far for knowledge is 50%. He cannot take more
another person's tank for generosity, whether it is with money or with you know forgiveness is at a 90% another 10%
it could be a factor of what is happening to them today. Or it could be a factor of their own personality. This is how they are most of the time.
So each has to be approached differently in order to deal with the ignoring the way that you deal with that. Now
in order to deal with a person who's angry,
the way that a person who is patient, you're not going to deal with the why's that the way that you deal with the foolish and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam showed that he understood people's capacity. He understood what they can tolerate what they can understand, and the Sahaba of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam understood that as well.
The Prophet did not deal with the Sahaba who are close to him the way that he deals with the nomads. How much time does a nomad spend with the Prophet sallallahu wasallam
how much time you think, very little time
they'll be living in their tents and their camps. They'll come and visit the prophets of Allah He will send them for a few hours and they will head back. So the or,
or the Nomad of their nature is that they are the love
of their nature is that they are rough and they don't have as much knowledge.
So when they come to the Prophet sallallahu it was cinnamon the you know some of these heady and he urinates in the masjid, you know the heading right? You've heard it often he urinates in the masjid, and must have are angry them why was he soft with him? salado said
he doesn't know this is what they do. He doesn't know he doesn't know. So he had to be gentle and kind with him. This is what he can take. If you give him more if you deal with him harshly what do you do with him? You break him? You break him? Right? That's why that's a hobby right? At the end of it. He said no one was gentler than Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and then he said Allah, Mohammed, ne or Mohammed.
He says he Allah be merciful with me and Mohammed and don't be merciful with anybody else. Right?
Because these guys,
he didn't like cried when they did. So this sometimes something like that can happen in the masjid. Right? Sometimes in dealing with children. And I'm not saying don't discipline children, you need to, but you also need to be wise about it. And also the elderly, and also women and also. So sometimes, there are ignorant people among us, and impatient people among us, and people who have just arrived and people are arriving from somewhere else. And they don't know. And if you are rough with this person, and he cannot take it what he will do is that you will break them. And if you break them, they may hate you, or they will hate them, or they will hate Muslims, etc, etc, etc. So
you have to be patient with them.
So the prophets already sent him was very gentle with people who needed this. Some of the people Sahaba who accepted Islam late and the Prophet knew that they were foolish, when they would come and he would sit with them.
He would be kind and he would give their attention to them. But he they understood from the Prophet sallallahu Sallam that that person is foolish.
They understood that he was foolish. But yet the Prophet gave them the attention that they needed.
The Prophet that then they understood sometimes that you need to throw people's ego at times.
he was about to enter manga,
and who is the leader of the non, the non Muslims, then he accepted Islam was the leader, Abu Sofia. So he added something else for him, right? So he says, You're the Mandela bayto. I'm the one who is in his home, who will be safe woman da da, da, da da sufian for me, and if you enter that house of Abu sufian, you're safe. Why does he say this?
to honor him.
He accepted Islam, but he is the leader of his people understand what he was doing, he's the lead, I'm going to win this person by giving him something that doesn't take anything from me, but I'm going to give him something. So when you there's
the leader of a people, you honor this person, because when you honor this person, you honor anyone else who is listening to them. And if you win them over, you win everybody else. So if you stroke a person's ego, you win this person. So you have to understand those people, and you have to understand their capacity.
But the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam said, so I said he didn't deal with everybody the same. Once you saw one of us, however, we don't know his name. But we understand from the fact that how we dealt with him that he was close to him. He saw what once wanted, saw him wearing a ring made of gold.
He wasn't gentle. He symbolizes.
He took it out of his hand. He threw it to the ground. He says one of you goes and brings a call of Hellfire puts it around his hand. And he left angry.
That wasn't gentle was it?
Was a gentle? Wasn't gentle.
He can take it. And what else? He needed it. He needs it.
Yeah, he needs it.
How do you know he can take it? Because they asked him afterwards. He said, okay, the property, I'll send them through that thing on the ground? Why don't you please take it and sell it?
What does he say?
Exactly. He says, I will never take something that the Prophet sallallahu Sallam threw away. Now you know that he could take it and he can understand. That was the lesson. So the prophets of Allah incident didn't deal with everybody the same way. And it's the same thing. Also, in dealing with people, you get all types of people coming into the mistake can deal with everybody the same.
I mean, everyone would like to think of himself. Come on, everybody likes to think of himself as wise and learned and everything right?
And we're not, we're not
the Sahaba of the prophets of Allah. How are you? It was in the month, something happened. This is after the Prophet sallallahu sallam. And at the time of Ramadan, he was a halifa.
And somebody said something, we're not going to go into it. And
he said, I want to stand in hajj, and speak about this. And the Sahaba said, Oh, Omar, don't do not don't do this way till we go back to Medina, because this motive this merge map, collects and gathers everybody the learned and the not the knowledgeable and the ignorant. And you don't know if you speak everybody will understand what you're saying or not? Well, to wait till you go back to the Mahatma rasulillah, to the place where the prophets of Allah Islam migrated, where the scholars and the learned people are, wherever you speak, everybody will understand what you're saying. Sometimes, right? Even in the masjid, there are things that will be beyond people's understanding, you can just
stand and talk about everything, not everybody will understand it and interpret that right? You don't address or speak to your children about everything, because at that age, they cannot understand it. And some of us is a panel law I'm talking about even me, some of us have handler who could be childish with some of things I can understand this up because I don't understand it to be rejected. So you have to understand people's ability to have processing and interpretation and speak to everybody according to their own level, and not put on them a burden that they cannot bear carry.
You have to know when to be soft, and you have to know when to be for.
And here I come back to why we
are the low mile is
a person in history
that has been maligned so much, and misunderstood so much.
While we are all the love and who is hobby,
companion to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam which according to the majority have understood now, if you see the Sahabi Have you see the Prophet sallallahu wasallam and die upon Islam? No one after that. No one who comes after you can reach your level.
You follow what I said? That all those habits of the Prophet sallallahu sallam, they started
That's the definition of his hobby. He saw the prophet and he died a Muslim.
No one after them can ever reach their level no matter what they do, in addition to the fact that he is right what
the way he was a scribe of the way of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. And he was known for his health, forbearance, meaning patience and forgiveness. Known for him even though I've been doing it has a book helmet.
He collected a book, okay with some thought in it. Nobody doing it as a scholar has a book about you know, patience and personal one and this and that recollects narrations. One of them is about him one more area of the law under the forbearance of Malia, Malia is famous for saying that if there is a hair between me and anyone, it will never be cut.
We will never be cut. What does he mean? That no matter what that person does, no matter what he says, I'll always be able to maintain a connection to him, that will never be cut. A person will travel to my area or will come to Maui and in his core, and will shout and yell at him and say this and that about him. And what are we able to absorb? And why am I saying this? Because I want you in Charlotte to be able to do this. He will absorb all of that from him. Take all of that from him.
And then reciprocate with kindness.
So what do you need? How can I help you? He will sit and listen, someone is insulting and saying this and saying that? And then afterwards? And then how can I help you? How can I make this right? How can I change? What is your advice for me. And if you do that, you inflate that person's negativity
in another play that deflated them. So you deflate that person's negativity. It just goes away. And he gives him some money. And he gives him some attention. And he gives him some power. And he gives him something and the person leaves, what?
Happy, he leaves happy. That's why he said, that's why we are on the low on after a period tumultuous period of fighting and fighting among Muslims. 20 years he spends as a halifa. Right. There's no bloodshed,
because he's able to absorb everybody.
That's why some of us have said, he said, If you saw if you were to see why we think he's in
the way that he's acting right and how he's able to accommodate everybody and his patients, you think that he's in many. So we I want to learn from that we want to we want to learn from that as you can absorb everybody.
Of course, there will be times where you'd have to the firm. And that's where you'd have to be wise where I have to actually start pulling on that hair. Because somebody is too lenient and somebody needs to be reminded, see, you need to pull on it and somebody needs to acceptance you need to let loose.
So you have to understand that in sharp.
of what I would be calling those golden rules in sha Allah, as class of people and depend on yourself more as class of people, and depend on yourself more.
People will love you If you do not need them.
And the surest way for someone to hate you is to go and ask them for things.
Not everybody, but most people.
If I asked you for help if I asked you for money,
right? He needs something from me. But if I don't ask you for anything,
then that is the
way for you to love me. I'm not only I'm not saying this, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that, okay, is that female ID nurse you can brokenness, be disinclined towards what people have in their hands and they will love you.
Meaning the more that you ask, the less that you they will love and the less that you ask, and the more independent you are, the more that they will respect and esteem and love you.
So keep that in mind. Now, if you're in a position of leadership, there is no other way except to ask people to do things for you. But if you don't need to, you're not in a position of leadership and you're not talking to people who aren't beneath you. In the hierarchy, you're talking to other people. As long as you can do things for yourself, you do that.
As long as you don't have to ask anyone for anything, don't ask them.
And that is a principle that only not only creates independence, but also creates love because I don't need you
And so, the shaytaan has no place to come and say well since because he needs you, because he needs you then this and this and that about him, there is no place
you should be the giver rather than the taker.
You should be the giver, rather than the taker. And when you give, don't expect anything in return.
This is supported by several things in the hurun first allows the differences profits on a low audio send them very early What
do not give one of the interpretations do not give, expecting more in return.
This includes everything now all the way
that do not give away do not teach expecting things in return. And in general don't give expecting that they will give me something back and sometimes something even more. So I'm going to give them a gift. Why are you giving a gift? Are you expecting back?
Return gift? And I'm going to visit them? No, not visit them? I'm going to invite them to my home. Why? What am I waiting for? Ah, where's my invitation?
And I'm gonna say Salaam to him now first, what am I waiting for? Next time that I'm gonna go in he should say Salaam first. So it's only it's always that type of relationship where I have, I'm going to give but it's not unconditional giving it is given based on the condition that you're gonna give me back. And then we're going to take something back from you and I'm gonna take something What am I going to take from you sometimes is more than what I gave you. And that is why I'm giving you and a lot of jealousy as well as
don't give like that.
That's not giving for Allah zone.
So if I can connect this to the first point and I'm saying that Allah is part of every relationship that you have, if you want to give for the sake of the other person give but that does not last not only in the Hereafter, but in the studio. But if you want to give for the sake of Allah, don't expect anything from them. Don't say I'm going to call him or I'm going to text him to see how they're doing.
And if they don't call me and if they never text me, then I'm not gonna I'm not going to do this again. That's not for a law surgeon.
And that's not how you win people. And that's not how you get people to love you and that's not how you will love people. If you want to love them for the sake of Allah has ever done love them for the sake of Allah and expect nothing from them. Right? And I'll connect this to that point that will come after inshallah, but expect nothing from them. And this is how your heart will stay pure and clean.
Because I'm not expecting or waiting for anything. This is for Allah azza wa jal, I will give for Allah not waiting for anything back.
And if they don't give,
forgive, and if they don't give, forget, because it was never there. For that intention. worker role the Allahu anhu lived like that and Allah azza wa jal commemorates that in the Quran.
When he says, well, man, he had been in the home and he and Matt introduced to our Geobella.
woman he had been in the home in a meeting, no one around him and the tafsir they said that this is in reference to a Rebecca rondalla No, no one around him has with Abu Bakar a favor that Abu Bakr needs to repay
except meaning that he's doing every anything that he is doing,
seeking the face of Allah Zota and allow him make him satisfied. What does that mean if he did not understand the trauma, the translation the
meaning that Abu Bakr radi Allahu anhu, when he was doing something, he was not doing something returning a favor to anyone.
If anybody gave him something, he will immediately reciprocate and give more.
And he's always constantly the giver, not a taker.
So whatever he is giving, he's giving more he's doing he's not doing it because somebody else did it to me, so I'm going to do it to him. He's not like that.
He is the first to give to you without any expectation. And the custom of the prophets of Allah wa sallam and his Sahaba, especially those at the highest levels, is that if you were to give, they will give you more
so that they will owe you nothing.
They will owe you nothing. And so that if they are giving you anything else later, they're not doing that out of obligation because of what you have given. You're free.
You understand? You were free of that.
If you're free of that Salaam, you're free of this, I'm not doing it because of an obligation that you have put on me. I'm doing that because an obligation that I owe to who Allah says.
And that is now your reaction, your interaction with people is not because of them. It is because of Allah has no agenda.
Right? Now, I said, Don't ask people
and be independent. And if you have to have to ask
as a person who appreciates you, and who's not going to be unhappy with your requests a person of generous spirit, what is the limited diefenbaker trick? If you can ask someone as someone who will respect you and esteem you, don't ask a miser or a stingy person. Don't ask someone who disrespect you. He's not going to give you any he's gonna give you he's gonna humiliate you if you do, but look and locate who is generous, who is helpful, who is honorable, who I expect, that if I ask, he will give and he will help. That's the person that you ask anyone else exclude.
And it's better that you don't ask them and ask Allah azzawajal rather than you ask this person,
this is a shocker. He said what he does, first and
inshallah The last thing inshallah that I want to say,
don't overwhelm people,
put on them or take from them and demand from them more than they can take.
Go back again to the image of that tank.
A person's tank capacity is 30 50%. Don't put more on them. They'll explode if you do. first and only has 30% in their tank don't demand more of them. They don't they cannot give it
allows the widget says who the last.
Take the take what people can give. Don't overburden them, this person can be patient with me for 30 minutes. That's it.
This is his level at this moment. This is his capacity at this moment, don't expect from him more. This person can only forgive up to this moment or up to this level, he cannot do more. Don't expect more from them. Take what he can give and forgive the rest.
This person is only mature up to this level only knows up to this level. Don't expect more from them. Take what they can give. And don't expect more.
Hold enough. Because if you don't do this, the result is that first of all, you will be blaming everybody around you for a failing you know to be able to be being able to help you or not being able to carry the burden that you put on them.
If you do that people will run away.
It says no. If a person is a planner, not an executer using for planning not executing. If a person is an execute another planner, don't ask him to plan to execute.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam when he put people in positions, he understood their capacity and level.
He put it as a military leader. Right?
He put us as a military leader, right?
Were they the best of the Sahaba in terms of taqwa at that time? Why did he put them as military leaders?
expertise, their ability, their ability, they're not they have dukla Don't misunderstand me they have
their pious people live better than any one of us today, all of us combined. But I'm saying that they have Taqwa, but also have another element that because they have that leadership quality. They can excel in that position.
Someone was better.
When he comes to the profits of the law, you sent him and he says he stabbed me, right? Give me a position does he give them a position is in the cover. If he says you're weak,
you're weak. He understood the capacity. He says, in a sense, let me paraphrase. If I were to put you in that position, you will break. You won't be able to fulfill it. It's not good for you. That's why you told them never accept a position leave a position of leadership on two people. And don't be a judge.
In Europe, if I see weak you won't be able to handle that. So understand people's capacity. Don't put more on them. So a person Subhanallah you call him but
He's busy or his his email or his maturity, his wisdom he doesn't call back. Except that from them
don't demand that they should rise to a level they're not ready for yet.
A person can only handle you know that much level of responsibility. Yes, you want them to ascend to higher levels, but they cannot talk about adults, not your children that you're raising. They can do more at this level, don't expect more from them and put pressure on them that they cannot. If you can, you can advise you can train and you can push inshallah to higher levels do but if they can't, don't expect more from them and move on and see the person who can help you and seek the person that you can trust.
So, treat understand people who are around you and treat them inshallah accordingly. And the last thing in Sharla that I say,
be closer to people according to their own taqwa. Okay, according to their own dako, earthiness, Allah Azza wa, and keep your distance from people who do not have that one, in general, because you will be as the people who are around you, your company, okay, we'll help you either grow or you will sync with them. So also the art of dealing with people you will be learning from the people around you. So they'll only choose based on language and culture and common interest and this and then these all things are legitimate to an extent, but we always forget an element and that is the element of Dahal include all of these elements, but include also the element of dukla because it
will always save you and keep teaching you and don't accompany or befriend the person that you're attracted to and you're close to that they like to flow as well. Because you want to grow with them, you don't want to sink with them. So I want to stop here in shoreline or flow close to the edge give you a few minutes for questions. If there are any questions let me know
or comments or anything you would like to add
and as I said sub panel I mean dealing with people when you continue reading the Koran, many eyes will stop you and say oh, this is this applies here and this applies to my relationship with this person to my wife to my husband to my kids when you reading the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam or when you move Lloyd later to the books of sitting next to the books of
Nigeria with the neighbors without parents with the children, the books of will adapt in general all of them are about how you deal with other people. And as I said because you will not be able to enter general unless you know how to deal with people.
So we're gonna assume there's nothing
right? Good, fair inshallah. So if you have anything else, you know a question that you have for me in private or a comment or criticism, anything in Charlotte all goes so if you have anything let me know in Charlotte. O'Hara, Savannah, Columbia, habitica Chateau de la land. The stuff will go to