Solutions – Episode 02 – Marital Discord

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Ali Albarghouthi

Channel: Ali Albarghouthi

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Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Alhamdulillah no matter who and you know who, still Pharaoh who and I mean, surely and fusina cftr Malina, Maja De La Villa de la oma yodeling, Fela ha de la, WA shadow Allah in a la la la, la la la cara, Juana Mohammed Abu hora, pseudo sal Allahu, Allahu Allah, Allah, he was happy USA. So this is the second lecture in the series, on solutions to most common problems. And last week, what we talked about last week, who remembers

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who remembers

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depression, right, so we talked about depression. So depression and anxiety, and we tried to discuss how Allah azzawajal what Li enabled this to

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find out about its causes, and also solutions. So, now the second lecture is about a different problem. And this problem is a common one, marital discord, marital problems dissension in the family.

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And first of all, who is this for who is the who is it directed towards?

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It is for those who are not married yet.

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But want to know, when they get married, inshallah, how to handle married life, this is for those who are married, but they don't have problems yet, or major problems yet, so that they would know how to avoid them, and also how to solve them when they happen. And it is for those who are experiencing serious problems in their marriage, and also for those who may not be married, but are going to counsel others on marriage and solutions to marital problems. So everybody in sha Allah can benefit from this. And there's also the assumption here, that if you are religious, right, that you're not going to experience any religious problem or any problems in marriage. That is, if you're

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religious, and if your spouse is religious, you're not going to experience any marital problems at all. No, no disagreements, no fights. And what do you think about that assumption? Is it an accurate assumption?

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is it accurate? No, no, no problems, right? No, it cannot be. Because both of you are human beings. And no matter how religious you are, now, if you are religious, the difference that that is going to make is that your problems are going to be less severe, less often. And also, you'll know how to deal with them, you know how to solve them, because you have a map that Allah has given you that His Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has practiced on how to solve these problems. But it doesn't mean that you're not going to have problems at all impossible. As a human being, you must disagree with other people, you have to

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no matter how pies the other person is. And so you will find even in the Quran, just to tell you about how important this topic is. That you will find that a lot as it talks about it in the Quran. That there's if you have a problem with your wife, you do this if you have a problem with your husband, do you do that. And we'll talk about some of that. If you cannot solve your those problems on your own, then you involve mediators or auditors from both families and they come and they decide.

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And also

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it tells us in the Koran, that the prophets of Allah Allah who earlier was in them, sometimes they're not often but sometimes he had disagreements with his wives or some of his wives, right.

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So you cannot get not gonna get better than the prophets of the law. He was in them and his wives. And yet at some time, they had some disagreements. So for instance, you know, the idea to death here. Yeah, and he said, an AVI or min of the prophet in container to regional highest. adonia says, if you desire this life at the LA Nomad, canosa una Subhan jameelah. So this described the phase and the period during the life of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. Were and the Prophet we know that most of his life he lived poor. He didn't have enough even Subhanallah for simple Natha you know, to simply spend on his wives, he didn't have enough they lived on water and dates for a lot of times.

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So some of the wives of the prophets Allah said, they asked him for nothing, meaning that give us more. They needed more. And so the Prophet sallallahu Sallam was upset from that request. And he abstained from his wives for a period of a month. And then to death here, giving them a choice came down, basically telling them that if you want to learn his messenger, sallAllahu wasallam stay with the Prophet the way that he is. Don't overburden him with requests. But if you don't want that, if you want this life and its beauty

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The Prophet sallahu wa sallam is going to release you meaning divorce you amicably and give you all your rights. She's understand that there was this also as well and there's another incident where Allah is legit sisters Prophet sallallahu sallam. Yeah, you know, Ulema to Henry mama Holla Holla get after a Matata, as logical prophet wipe you outlaw upon yourself what Allah had made permissible for you seeking the pleasure of your wives, and there's a story behind it.

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And then he had, you know, confided in some of his wives a secret, and then she shared that on the law as though Jen talks about it in the hora, why does Allah mention it in the Quran? Because it's important. And why is it important? Because without the family without its stability, without its health, the whole society collapses. Imagine if you are a dad, or a doctor, or an engineer, or a student, or whatever, and you're married, but there is trouble at home, will you be able to produce outside?

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No, you'd be completely distracted, completely consumed by your trouble, you won't be able to offer help, but you because you yourself, you need help. And then Add to this the fragmentation of the family, the breakup of the family, and the first person that suffers when the mat family breaks are who

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the children, that's the topic we'll talk about inshallah, next week, the children. So what type of children are we going to produce when the family is sick, when we're fighting all the time, when we don't know how to solve our problems. So if there is disease in the family of their problems in it, it's going to be infected, infectious, and it's going to be transmitted to the children and the children are transmitted to their relationships, and to their children, and so on, and so on. So it is so important, just think about it that a lot as origin, the origin, that a lot that had revealed a limited number of areas, a limited number of words, Allah could have said everything. But when

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Allah decides to speak about these matters, it means that these matters are important. And so in our life, we realize that they are important because a lot of us ask about them. And they are our major problems or complaints that we have marital problems in issue.

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So

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we move insha Allah to talk about some of the causes. And again, I emphasize, this cannot be exhaustive, I cannot be comprehensive, there'll be things that will escape me, and then the rest is up to you. Meaning that you tell me Oh, you didn't talk about this, you did not include that. So that I can later on or in the next lecture included inshallah, if I've overlooked it, or forgot about it. So let me know if I forget anything in terms of causes or in terms of solutions.

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Now, the first thing in terms of causes of marital problems is that the person basically made the wrong choice to begin with,

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they made the wrong choice. I'm not going to, you know, dwell on that much, because I've talked previously about it, and how do you make the right choice, but I'll say insha, Allah, two things about it, first of all, is that even when you make the right choice, it does not always mean complete compatibility. Right? It doesn't mean that the right choice

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equals no problems at all. No, you could have the right choice. And I brought the example of Russell the life solution with his wife, there is no better choice. As a husband, there's no better choice as a wife. But still, there'll be some bumps along the way, some obstacles along with that, so you must have it. So it does not mean that if you have some problems, or my choice was wrong.

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And also making the right choice does not mean that I will pick a spouse who is completely 100% identical to me, who will be everything to me.

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Meaning that religiously, there'll be my guide and my model. And if I want to have a political discussion with them, I can have it with them. I don't want to have an intellectual discussion with them. I can have it with them, and they can be able to cook and they'll be able to earn no person can be all of that to you. So it's unrealistic for you to think that if I'm picking up the right person, means that they can be everything that nobody can person can be everything. So maybe your spouse is not you know, they religious but they're not as knowledgeable as you are.

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To do the scholars of Islam only only discuss

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religious issues with their wives. Only. They go outside. So maybe your wife is not interested or your husband is not interested in the last thing that you've learned. Maybe it's they're not there. They're religious, but they're not there. They're not interested in politics. They're not interested in economics. They're not scholar. They're not academic, but you are. It doesn't mean that compatibility that they need to be exactly as you are, but that they be it needs to be

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on the same page, where are we heading in life? What do we want to get out of it? How are we going to raise our kids? Are you giving me my needs? Am I giving you your needs? Are we compatible? That's the compatibility that we're talking about. Everything else is a plus. But it's not necessary for you to have it. And it's impossible for you that you would have everything right.

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So there will be obstacles, even though you make the right choice. But if a person had made the wrong choice, you know, it's still you need, there's still room to fix it. But if you've not made it, yet, it's important that you start your life right? And I have a lecture on how do you make the right choice in sha Allah, it's available online. The second thing that is a major cause for marital discord is lack of dakhla. And by the way, this is going to be something that is consistent in a lot of them, I haven't really explored all the problems, but in most problems in life, or let's say all problems in life, telco is a key issue. When it is lacking, there are more problems and when there

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is dukkha, problems will decrease. And that should be consistently understood, and consistently pursued by all of us. Why do we say this in any relationship, any human relationship that we have? In fact, it's not only a relationship between you and that person, but there is always a law involved in that relationship.

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So if you go and you commit a wrong against another person, did you send only against that person or only with Allah?

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I also with Allah Zoda. So there are two sins or two rights have been violated, that is, if I do something against my wife unjustly, or against my husband unjustly? Did I just harm them? Is my sin only to them? Or is Allah xojo also displeased with what I've done, and it's always also a sin with Allah zodion. It's also with Allah. So any type of relationship that you have a lot as though gel is involved, it's like a triangle. Think of it as a triangle, it's you. It's the other person, it doesn't matter who your spouse, your child, your neighbor, your parents,

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that person and Allah xojo there. And

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understanding and being aware that Allah is present in all our relationship, what does it do? It motivates you, it spurs you to do what you have to do for the sake of Allah, first and foremost, even sometimes you don't feel like it. Like for children, and we'll talk about that later. For children. You may not all time feel that you want to respect your parents and be kind to them.

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But what is going to motivate you to be consistently devoted consistently kind

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lies with your spouse, you don't you don't always feel like being kind and generous with them. They've just upset you. They've said something, some you know, in, you know,

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injurious words that have hurt you deeply. You don't feel like you want to be kind to them. But you overcome that obstacle and your own personal feelings. Why?

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Because of the color because you say I want to please Allah zildjian and you refrain from hurting them. Why? Because even though you have the power, maybe they've done something to deserve it, but he refrained from hurting him. Why? Because if you do this, I'm also upsetting Allah subhanho wa Taala Nigeria mana commission an omen and untighten.

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So as you know who are Buddha taqwa Allah as dogen says, look, not the hatred of people. Okay, even though you hate them, push you to be unjust with them. He says no, be just it is closer to Taco and a lot as it is talking about who not fellow Muslims here in this area. Although it does apply, not about your family, or it does apply. He's talking about non believers who had hurt Muslims and expelled them out of Mecca. And continue to preserve pursue them and pursue them and try to harass them and hurt them. He says even with that, even they've done all of these things, you have to refrain from injustice, that is dukkha. So the taco of Allah refrains or protects you from

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committing sin, even though you want to do it from hurting the other person even though you want to do it. That's what it does. So it is taqwa that allows you to be kind and just even we don't feel like it stops a person from

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walking the path of infidelity in marriage and infidelity is a big problem committing infidelity while also being married. So if you are online,

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and you are on Facebook, and you receive a request, and that request is dragging you down the path of sin,

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or sometimes you start and it seems innocent, but it's slowly required to get all you stopped.

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rolling with so and so online and you're married,

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you know, on your phone, so and so sends you something nice you send them something nice, slowly start developing. And now from what seems to be an innocent exchange into flirtation from an online flirtation into meeting from meeting into an actual love affair from that into infidelity, and then you broken up your marriage, what's gonna stop you in the beginning of that, from the very inception? of saying, No, I'm not gonna walk that path. Because it's easy. When you receive something and you're detached, online, behind your phone, just to send Send button and just say something nice, and receive something nice in return. And keep exchanging things that make you feel

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alive again, interested again. So what is going to stop all of that? You're looking at the heart on your wife looking at the harem, listening to it exchanging haraam words,

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having an online affair, even if not in person, but an online affair. What is it going to stop that? If not the call of Allah as origin, you knowing that this is haram and Allah had given me the halaal. So I'm not gonna go that path, because that path is absolutely destructive. So that's the benefit of taqwa.

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And the other benefit of dukkha is, and that's again, universal is that when you have Taqwa of Allah as the virgin in any relationship, Allah blesses that relationship.

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If you fear Allah, if you love Allah, if you stay away from the harem, if you do your obligations, and you're that type of human being, and the other person is that type of human being, whatever relationship you will have will be strong and solid and protected.

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Remember, last time when we said that a lot as a defense the believers,

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in what ways did we say that he defends them?

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Remember?

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How does he Allah defend the believers?

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was a very simple answer

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is not 1234. How?

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every possible way, right? every possible way things that you expect, and things you don't anticipate things that we're afraid of, and things that you will think are not going to happen to you. But they are likely to happen, but Allah protects you from them. So when Allah defends you, he defends you from every direction, including your marriage, including your children. There will be exceptions, of course, right. There'll be exceptions, of course, and that's part of our last test. But including your marriage, and including your reputation, including your children, including your spouse, now a lot defends you there. So if you make dakhla, the foundation, then Allah is on your

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site. And if there is a problem, Allah solves it for you, and guides you to a solution. If there is an hardship, Allah makes it easier for you, and guides you on gives you light from him, Subhan Allah to Allah so that you have the wisdom and the patience to be able to treat it. So if there is lack of dukkha The problem is that marriage is shaky, does not have a foundation, they could commit the Haram very easily retaliate unjustly against each other. And also, there are a lot of problems in on the inside, because Allah is not protecting this marriage, because they're not protecting it.

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It's like you brought up brought down your defenses, and any any we can advance and take territory from you. That's exactly what lack of decoy does.

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The second cause is we could call it unfulfilled rights, that everybody in a marriage, they have responsibilities and rights. So one of the biggest problems that we have is that a person a spouse inside that marriage, they feel rightly that the rights are not being fulfilled. And that could be because either one is ignorant of the rights of his and her spouse, or because of selfishness one of those two reasons, either I don't know. So I don't know that I have to spend on my wife, I don't know that I have to respect my wife to respect my husband, I don't know that I need to help them and assist them. I don't know that I need to listen to. So you have certain rights, yes, but you have

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responsibilities in proportion to the rights that you have. So when you don't know about it, of course, you're not gonna fulfill them.

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And the other possibility is that will you know about them. But it's selfishness, injustice, that is part of our nature. I demand all of my rights, but I don't want to give any of yours or little of yours. I want to be able to get this and that from you. But when it comes for me to act, I don't want to spend I don't want to give I don't want to listen. I don't want to respect I don't want to cook I don't want to clean I don't want I don't want to do these things, but I'm demanding everything from you.

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That is an imbalance. And when you sense that, in a sense that imbalance in a relationship, of course, you're going to be protesting that this is wrong. And you feel that after some time that could this marriage last when I'm not being fulfilled. So you have providing for the family money problems are a big issue. She is wasting my money. He's not giving me enough money. He's a miser and stingy, she's wasteful. You hear that often, right?

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The physical rights of intimacy, we're not going to go into that. But the physical rights of intimacy, cooking, cleaning, the house is not clean, the food is not good, etc, etc, raising the children. She's not doing her job, he's not doing his his job. He she thinks it's all my responsibility, he thinks is all my responsibility, there is no agreement between them. And each person is dumping the load on somebody else you do it.

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So when there is no understanding when there is no compromise, when you would understand your rights, and that most of them are mutual, then rights will go unfulfilled. So it's so important also for the person in a marriage to recognize in your spouse, because it's your spouse, after all, when they are under so much pressure, that they're about to explode. And don't wait for them to explode. When there is so much on her, when he's going through so much. And you think that's it that he's going to explode, she's going to explode again, take it anymore, you can recognize these early signs and do whatever you can to do to relieve that pressure.

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To make them feel better to care better to carry some of that burden to help. Because if they break, the whole marriage is gonna dissolve. So you need to be aware and sensitive to your spouse's well being.

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Respect, mutual respect as a right.

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Using the best name, not the worst of names, but the best of name to call the other person

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and controlling your temper. So you don't shout you don't scream, you don't hurl insults at the other person when you're angry, listening to them,

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minding your language, and also spending time with your family, which is our right

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upon you. Night staying not staying out late with your friends, whether you're male or female, people get married, but they behave like bachelors afterwards, I still want to be with my friends afterwards. So they go out and they stay out late. And they come late. And they think that the most important thing is not their spouse, not this family that they're building. But they're friends or previous commitments, or I must come to the masjid I've heard some people complaining that there's some people who have gotten married but then they still come to the masjid for so called dour. But they're neglecting their spouse at home and they still up late.

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And the spouse is right at home suffering.

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It doesn't matter if he tells you She tells you it's okay. It's not okay. Because they need you. Because if you're not there, they're gonna look for somebody else. And now I'm not saying haram no mercy, which is going to divorce you later. Why? Why did I marry you? If you're late? every single night if you don't care, we'll take care of my needs. If I get a child and you're the one who's raising that child non me, I'm still a bachelor or Bachelorette. How is that fair?

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And the phone also right in with the new generations and the problem with the phones and their addiction to it. In one of the people said, You know one of the strangest cases he said of marriage divorces, the quickest divorces. It's not anywhere here. But the quickest cases and strangest cases of divorces I've ever heard he said is that it happened the same night as it when the husband came to his wife, you know, to the bedroom, and she's on the phone. And he says put the phone down. I want to talk to you. You know, it's marital it's marriage night, right? They want to talk to you and this and that. She's on the phone. He says put it down says no, no later Later, he says, is that

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more important than me? She says yes.

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That's it. Because this divorced her right. Maybe he was impatient, Lola. But I'm saying that it reaches that level where you don't understand what this marriage is about. You don't understand what it means. So unfulfilled writes

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expectations and comparisons.

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Some of us are too idealistic when we when we first get married to a romantic when we first get married. And we have this image of our ideal man ideal woman was what they were supposed to know what they're supposed to do, how the all everything that they're supposed to give to me and then you are shocked by the real picture by life, which is that this person is not perfect. This person is not as

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color. This person he said he's religious. But you know what? He has some flaws? Well, I didn't know about I'm not talking about big, big major flaws, right? Like he's religious. But now you find out that he's drinking, I don't mean that. I mean that he has some problems. He has some issues. And everybody has them, she has some issues, but everybody has them. So that that realism shocks us, you're supposed to be everything, the man that I was thinking that I'm going to marry the man that I read about in the novels I saw in the movies, you're supposed to be this person, you're supposed to be that girl, that when the woman of my dreams, the man of my dreams, and then when you find what

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reality is reality is disappointing. So of course, that disappointment yields. He sort of continued to sad dissatisfaction of life in marriage and thinking that somehow you can find that person somewhere else. But that first and guess what does not exist? Does he?

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Right, and you think about it, that person, whether it doesn't matter if it's a movie star, or a singer, or whatever, or a

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what is a horror person, movie star, or a person that you've seen on the outside?

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Anyone who's famous is celebrities, especially when when that image is broadcasted.

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That celebrities image is manufactured.

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Right? Think of any movie star, male or female? Right? How many people stand behind that image for them to actually produce that final product that you see? How many? A lot, you're talking about a lot of 10s of people, at least 10s of people without exaggeration, there are 10s of people. And there are some people who actually come out and they share it. And they say, Listen, this is how many people are involved in making me look the way that I look. And telling me how I should exercise. You know, like any one of us, if we have these people will be marvelous. They tell me what I should eat, how I should exercise, what they put the makeup on, they make my hair, they choose my

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clothes. They tell me what to say how you should pose. And then after all of this, which is manufactured, it's not really real person is Photoshop.

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So that's the person that if you think that you're going to marry that person, then you can live in a fantasy because that person does not exist. Even if you were to meet that actor. Even if you meet you meet that artist, what if you meet them, they're not going to be that person for you.

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And that's why they get divorced.

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Right? You sitting any panel, I were sitting back here, hopefully not us. But we're sitting back here, wishing I wish I could marry her. Right? I wish I'd give my arm up just to marry her. Then she gets married, right? Then she gets divorced, anything, what's wrong with him? What's wrong with him to divorce a woman like that. But what is wrong with him, nothing is wrong with him, he married the real person. And the remote person is not as attractive as you think they have a lot of problems. That's why he divorced her. And that's why she divorced him. So these expectations, and these comparisons are unfair, because you're comparing something unreal to the reality that you have.

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And also, sometimes it happens, you know, in in real time here, meaning that you may see another person's spouse or another person and you start comparing them to your husband, comparing them to your wife. And that is also unfair, because you don't know anything about them. And that is the danger of not lowering your eyes.

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Because you just see an image. And sometimes again, this image is exaggerated and the shaitaan will beautify it in your eyes,

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purify it in your eyes. And as long as it is hot on. By the way, the shaytaan will always make it interesting and exciting. Long, long, long time ago, I heard about about about a person

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who was you know, inflicted with this disease of Xena fornication.

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And he would always go on he has this one specific, you know a woman

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that he would just do that with her and just he madly in love with her

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until he married her.

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Then he lost interest in her.

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And the problem there is that when you get married the shaitan said, Well, I have no no business here. I'm going to work on something else. Because I was working on you because it was hard on now you're married. I'm going to work on another woman for you. Right because that doesn't work for me. So the she thought this actually tried to beautify the illicit affair in your eyes. So a person is weak and they follow it. They're going to destroy their marriage. So comparisons are a problems right? So pay attention to these unfair comparison. I want him to be like my father. I want it to be like my mother cooked like her clean like her. It's not realistic, right?

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It's not realistic, exaggerating mistakes or using them against another person in your attacks. So as I said, Everybody has mistakes, flaws, small flaws. And if you highlight them and you keep highlighting them, they will continue to grow and grow and grow until you can't stand them anymore.

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But if you learn, and we're going to talk about it in solutions, if you learn to overlook them, if you learn to look at the other positive side that your spouse has these problems in sha Allah will disappear, and they will not be significant. So everybody is going to have a flaw. So don't highlight it, don't exaggerate it. And definitely don't keep it so that when the next time you have a problem with your spouse, and this is something that all of us do. Right? The next problem, you have a problem with your spouse, all of these problems come out, and you just throw it at the other person. Remember last time when you did not, when you forgot the milk in the fridge, you remember

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last time when I asked you to buy groceries, and you did not. And remember the other time when you did not speak well to my mother. And remember the other time when you insulted me with these words. And he didn't talk about these things before when they happen. But now you've kept them in a safe. And now you've opened the safe and everything comes out and you throw it at them. That's not helpful. Either learn to really overlook and forgive. Or you talk about them and resolve them, but don't keep them because he kept piling up piling up, or she disrespects me. She thinks he loves me. He doesn't like me, because he said this small thing. And if you have not resolved this, the next

00:31:38--> 00:31:51

thing he says the third thing that he says only go to confirm your suspicion, and his suspicion. So either overlook, forgive, or, you know, talk about it. There's also impatience.

00:31:53--> 00:32:06

All of us are impatient. But as we are moving as we're becoming more technologically savvy and immersed, I think we are losing the virtue of patience. So there's less and less of it.

00:32:07--> 00:32:16

So in patients with what a patient's have the fact that Well, my spouse has flaws. Am I gonna stick it out and stay in this marriage and fix it?

00:32:17--> 00:32:20

Or am I gonna immediately give up and say, I'm done.

00:32:22--> 00:32:50

And I understand there are different levels of flaws, there are small flaws and the really big flaws, talking more about the small to medium sized flaws, not the really big ones where you have to say, either you stop or I'm out, like Xena like drinking alcohol, right? Either you stop and you'd be serious about stopping or I'm leaving, because you can't continue to be with that person. And I'm talking about something that is not that serious. Are you going to give up as the first sign of trouble the first argument?

00:32:51--> 00:32:54

Are you going to continue to work on your marriage?

00:32:56--> 00:33:24

And do you expect that if they have that flaw, and they had it for years, that they'd be able to fix it and give it up in a day or two or a week or two? No. So patience, and not giving up too quickly on your marriage, if you decided that it matters, the wrong communication also is an issue or a cause for marital problems. Rather than talking we shall

00:33:26--> 00:33:53

we shall we make fun of each other in the beginning. It doesn't, it doesn't begin like this, right. But as the as the frustrations continue to mount, as you get to know the other person. And you become slowly to be more annoyed with their some of their habits, some of their idiosyncrasies, some of their mistakes, he began to be angry and angry with them. But instead of dealing with that issue, and actually in stopping it, you shall.

00:33:55--> 00:33:56

And you accuse,

00:33:57--> 00:33:58

and you make fun.

00:33:59--> 00:34:00

And you put them down.

00:34:01--> 00:34:10

And none of these things really work. Because if I accuse you, what is the universal reaction, if I accuse you What's the universal reaction going to be?

00:34:12--> 00:34:15

defense, you're going to defend yourself.

00:34:16--> 00:34:38

But rather if I approach it in a way that disarms you that it's in a gentle way that shows you that he has there is a problem here, but I also have problems and we can fix it in a lot in a gentle way. He'll be able you'll accept it. But if I yell at you, you're going to defend yourself. But if it if it stops there, it's good. And you're going to find a problem with me.

00:34:39--> 00:34:59

That's the safe that I'm talking about. And you're going to open it and say, You know what, I have a card here with all your problems. Here. Remember when you said this, and this and this? You're not? You're not good yourself? How could How dare you accuse me while before you did this and did this and did that? So the rat becomes the exchange, and it's not at all a meaningful exchange. Ciao ciao.

00:35:00--> 00:35:01

Scream, scream, make fun, make fun.

00:35:03--> 00:35:05

Or sometimes there is no communication at all.

00:35:07--> 00:35:10

If I'm angry, if I'm upset, that could be passive aggressive, right?

00:35:12--> 00:35:54

I'm not going to talk to you just gonna boycott you completely ignore you completely, for hours for days, stop talking to you, or at least no meaningful conversation. Here's your food done. That's it, here's the money. That's it, but I'm not going to talk to you. And that's a problem too. Because without communication, the hearts hardened. And the problem also only intensifies. And he begins to have problems with the other began hating the other person, and that person begins to hate you. And end so you can take some time to cool off mana days and days, right when you're not talking to the other person and not respecting them and not trying to solve the problem. And if you're, it's easy

00:35:54--> 00:36:12

for you to stay away from her for such a long time. And for her from you for such a long time. Then the next step is maybe separation or divorce because you are practicing practice practicing that while you're while being married. So no communication is not communication.

00:36:13--> 00:36:18

Unless there's really, okay, there's a big issue and you're trying to solve.

00:36:19--> 00:36:26

But no communication is not a big community. It's not communication, and sarcasm and shouting and people is not that as well.

00:36:27--> 00:36:46

Also, this is number seven and causes in laws sometimes are a problem. The mother in law, the daughter in law, and the feud, eternal feud between the mother in law and the father and daughter in law. She hates me, she hates me, she's trying to take my son away, she's trying to take in my husband away.

00:36:47--> 00:37:18

And that isn't it, like a very old feud. It's not recent and a very old feud. And at its base is probably suspicion but also jealousy, possession who will have this man? Is it the mother? Or is it the wife? So the mother says, and in some cases, yeah, she could be right. But in some cases, she's trying to take my son away from me, pull him away from me, not visit me not word not talk to me not worry about me not.

00:37:19--> 00:38:02

And the wife the same thing. She's trying to turn that man against me not to listen to me not not to spend on this household not to give me what I want not to travel. So we need to understand boundaries. That is as a man and the man is sometimes stuck in the middle, you don't know what to do, do I please my wife and keep my marriage, or I please Allah as the origin and respect my mother, what do I do? Who do I please who comes first. So in a in a tense situation like this, the best way to keep boundaries is physical boundaries. They live in different places. In the rare case where they can get along, they can live in the same house where they can support each other and help each

00:38:02--> 00:38:26

other there is no tension between them. Yeah, they can be in the same house different rooms and whatever they can be in the same house. So you can be with your wife and you can take care of your mother. But when there are no boundaries, when there is suspicion, you need to separate. Because if you don't separate, you're going to lose one of them. Eventually, either the wife will convince you to lose your mother, and she's your mother, you can never lose her.

00:38:28--> 00:38:35

She's your gateway to what Jenna or your mother is going to convince you to divorce your wife or mistreat her.

00:38:36--> 00:38:57

And if you miss treato, you will come and meet Allah azzawajal. Committed committed and justice. If you don't give her her rights, you have to spend on her. You need to respect her. You need to help raise the children, you need to honor her. You need to listen, you need all of these things. If you don't do that, you'll meet a lot as though done within justice.

00:38:59--> 00:39:05

So respecting boundaries and fearing a lot, as noted, and that's why we talk about the core.

00:39:07--> 00:39:24

That is the daughter in law. You know what the core is? You know, who is this person to this man? And the mother in law? Do you know who this woman is? The who de who this daughter is that you've taken accepted as the wife of your son? Do you know who she is?

00:39:26--> 00:39:35

And how much rights? How many rights she has upon your son? How could you command him or advocating justice?

00:39:37--> 00:39:53

taking away your rights? How could you ask him not to respect and be kind to his mother? How could you do these things? So if there is taqwa, they'll be able to in sha Allah to reconcile all of that. The last in causes and Sharla boomboom before we move to solutions, is

00:39:54--> 00:39:59

sharing one secrets, your spouse's secrets, and also the lies

00:40:00--> 00:40:24

SLM says in the Hadeeth in ammunition Arena in the LA human zealot annual multi ama, or reduce the number it he went to Arizona, half a million children. He says this is reported in by Muslim. It says of the worst people on the day of judgment in ranks with Allah azzawajal is a man who is intimate with his wife, and she with him. And then they go out and they publicize each other's secrets. Right?

00:40:25--> 00:40:39

So Allah as the prophet SAW his enemies t here are talking about a sacred bond. And when you get married, you see from that person things that no other person sees. Yeah, no other person can see, except you.

00:40:41--> 00:40:46

So when you go out and you talk about his secret and her secrets, you've betrayed their trust.

00:40:48--> 00:41:28

Sometimes it's physically and sometimes you'd be amazed at a male, a male or a female, they go out and they speak about intimate things about their spouse. This is how he looks and what he did. This is how he or she looks in what he did. Or if it's not intimate physical details, they talk about things that they do at home freely, without a need. If you're seeking advice and counsel, it's different with the right person, and only interview measure, none more. But they just simply as a way of release and venting and frustrations. They just go and sit to the next person. And about five minutes they meet in the mistake. They made them. I don't know where, you know, my husband, he does

00:41:28--> 00:41:40

this and he does this and he does that. Okay, you just ruined your husband's reputation. When you discuss all of these things, or the respect that a person has for your wife and for you.

00:41:41--> 00:41:46

So somebody wants it's reported that he had issues with his wife.

00:41:47--> 00:41:59

So somebody came and told him asked him, he says, Do you have prot What? Why? What is the problem between you and your wife? He says, God forbid, she's my wife that I should ever reveal. Whatever we have between us.

00:42:00--> 00:42:15

I'm never going to discuss this. Then he ended up divorcing her. Then he came to him and he said, So what was the problem? Then? He says, God forbid. Now she's not my god forbid that I should talk about a woman that belongs to somebody else.

00:42:16--> 00:42:21

Whether she you're married to her or you're not married to her right, there is at the

00:42:22--> 00:43:06

at the you can see her secrets, for salary, how to harness data and have evolved to live as Allah says, In the Quran, the pious woman, are obedient to Allah Have you thought too little hype, they keep the secrets and they keep the duty of their husbands when their husband is away. The same thing with men. So sharing secrets will shatter any trust that your spouse will have with you. solutions in sha Allah, we try to go very quickly in sha Allah through them, but we, in a sense, you'll understand the solutions coming from the causes. So the first thing is to recreate an enlivened decline our hearts and in our lives and in our marriages. So the first thing that anybody if you

00:43:06--> 00:43:21

want to be a counselor, and they said this a couple of times, at least, if you don't know much about you know, you know, marital problems and how to solve them and if a person has a problem, so at least I know the first advice I can give you have stuck on Allah as a surgeon, Go,

00:43:22--> 00:43:59

Go have the coin, Allah as a surgeon, and having the whole of law is not simplistic. Some people's upon a lot are very cynical. He told them have the horn Allah and have fear of Allah love Allah. They think well, what is that a solution to everything? What do you mean? What do you what do you understand when I tell you you have taco and a lot? Do I mean only simply pray and read the Koran? No, I mean, that perform Allah obligations, stay away from the harem, including the rights and responsibilities within the marriage. That's what I mean by topo of Allah as the origin. Fix your relationship with a law so that like it, fix the relationships that you have with humanity, all of

00:43:59--> 00:44:09

them. So here it's important he says that the scholars have before when they used to meet each other, or used to write letters to each other they used to say to each other.

00:44:10--> 00:44:15

If you fix your city or what's on the inside, Allah will fix your public image.

00:44:17--> 00:44:53

Manila Hello. Sorry, Radha. If you fix what's on the inside, Allah will fix your public image woman Isla Hama Bina who have been a lot if you fix what is between you and Allah, Allah will suffice you what is between you and humanity. And if you take care of your hereafter and you worry about it, Allah will take care about your worldly worries and concerns. See how the balances so the part that is relevant here to us is take care of what's on the inside. And allow will take care of what's on the outside and take care of what it was between you and Allah and Allah will fix your relationships.

00:44:54--> 00:44:59

Just as a start, Allah will fix your relationship and Allah

00:45:00--> 00:45:44

As he says, you know about zecharia alayhis salam when he had made was making a probate Attorney for the antihero. Everything is a scam asking Allah to give him yeah here. So Allah just says what festa jedna Allahu Allahu Allahu Allahu xojo. He says, We answered his da we gave him a here, and we cured his wife for him, because she could not bear children we cured his wife for him. The continuation of the eye is important in the home care, no, you said it own it own and Arakawa haba they used to rush towards righteousness towards our obedience and call upon us out of hope and desire. This is the reason why Allah zodat answered his door and cured his wife. See why?

00:45:45--> 00:46:04

Why did we give him in the home can we you said it only psychologically they used to rush towards righteousness and call upon Allah zodion pray make dua Raghavan, what Ahava out of fear and out of love and hope. So when you do this, Allah will fix your wife, Allah will fix your husband, in every way made me laugh.

00:46:06--> 00:46:11

So that's the first thing. Second, related to this, as you treat you shall be treated

00:46:13--> 00:46:21

by a teacher take it as a rule. This is with everybody, but also with your spouse. You want them to be kind? What should you be?

00:46:22--> 00:46:51

guide? You want them to if you're unkind, what are they going to be? You want them to respect you? What should you do? You want them to listen to you what should you do? This is universal rule as you are. So others will be. And if you want to change them, change also, and I'm not putting all the burden on you, sometimes it's the fault of the other person I understand. But in order to be able to change them, you must be the better person that you can be the best that you can.

00:46:52--> 00:47:09

Not perfect, not perfect, can never be perfect, but the best that you can. So try to be better inshallah, because this will allow them the best, you know, way or the way to facilitate the way for them to improve if they ever gonna improve. The third thing is

00:47:11--> 00:47:17

before a problem happens, and when it's happening before it happens anticipate

00:47:18--> 00:47:33

that you want a law to protect you as the law as the judge says in the Quran or Latina coonara bunnahabhain I mean as Virgina was Doria Tina kurata Yo, yo Allah grant us from our spouses and our children, a comfort our eyes.

00:47:34--> 00:48:18

So this is one of the days of the pious a basil ramen was what? Yeah, Allah grant us, of course, progeny. Yeah. That that would be pleasing to our eyes, but also spouses that were pleasing to our eyes. And if you begin to sense the the birth of a problem, as Allah suited to solve it, to eliminate it, to give you the wisdom to see how to overcome it, to give the person the wisdom and courage to be able to overcome it. So do and continuous due to Allah azzawajal without stop knowledge also, as the fourth category, you know that in some countries, you do not get a license to be married until you go through some workshop marriage workshop.

00:48:19--> 00:48:23

And only when you graduate, they allow you to get married.

00:48:24--> 00:48:27

Yeah, yeah, the Muslim countries Malaysia.

00:48:28--> 00:48:46

I don't know if Indonesia they do the same thing or not. But because the rate of divorce is high is going up. So before a person goes into marriage, you say you need to learn what it means to be married. These are the rights these are the responsibilities. And so this is how

00:48:47--> 00:49:12

you're supposed to act. Once you finish it, you have the permission now to get a license and be married. So this highlights the importance of knowledge in general. Know your rights, and not only your rights, your responsibilities, how you should treat the other person. And you know, by the way, those book of law book of manners of how you're supposed to be with other people. All of that applies to your married life.

00:49:13--> 00:49:26

Right? What did the prophets of Allah hottie was send them said, how you're gonna see how eurocom Leah Holly, one of the best of you is the best to their families or to their higher wife, and I'm the best of my family or to my wife.

00:49:27--> 00:49:39

That is okay, I learned about patience. And later we learned about forgiveness. I learned about controlling my anger I learned about kindness and kind words and smiling, but I'm applying this outside the home.

00:49:40--> 00:49:59

Well, that's a mindset that things that all these matters are related to when I step outside and into the masjid or my meet my sister, my Muslim brother or my Muslim sister, but not inside my home with my kids or not with my spouses. No, it applies to them and in the beginning and applies to them mostly in a place to them.

00:50:00--> 00:50:44

Because if you can apply that to them, and with them, you can apply it outside. It's not like you it's not you're not faking it. It's not like, at home, I'm terrible. But once I step outside, I'm smiling. I'm nice and gentle, I'm kind. But when I step inside the home, as I take off my job, I take up all these good qualities, and my true self manifests when it's not right. If you're able to be good on the inside, when no one is watching you, except Allah azzawajal. And you don't care about well, it's my just my husband, myself, my kids, who cares? Just my wife. But nobody's watching. You said Allah Zoda, then you can be really good on the outside really good on the outside. But if

00:50:44--> 00:51:28

you're not good on the inside, how good really are you on the outside? So knowledge you need to learn in general. Okay, and specifically about marriage, overlooking mistakes and shortcomings. small mistakes, so everybody has them. Every every single person has them. There'll always be something that will annoy you about another person guaranteed. If there is nothing is because you didn't spend enough time with them. Right? They're always okay. I don't like he just does something. He breeds funny. I, I don't like what he eats. I don't like the jokes that he tells. Sometimes he's in a foul mood, there's always something that will annoy you about the other person. And if you just

00:51:28--> 00:51:55

feel focused, too, and you just simply focused on that thing that will kill you and kill your marriage. But okay, there is this few bad things. But does he not? Does she not have other good things as well, that are far more impressive than these small mistakes. You're not gonna have perfection no matter where you look. But can I live with these small imperfections, because he she has other good qualities. And that's why

00:51:56--> 00:52:35

Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam said that unbelieving men and men does not hate Amina, because if he hates something about her, he is pleased with something else. He's just or she's just when you look at someone and you assess him. Yeah, he has some problems here. But he has some other good qualities as well. So overlooking problems, not like to be a perfectionist, not one when it comes to us. But the other person, you forgot this, you didn't do this, you neglected that. So we have a list of all the mistakes that they did. No one will be able to live with you if you are a perfectionist with them like that. But you know, you offer excuses to yourself but not to them. You need to overlook

00:52:35--> 00:52:37

you need to overlook

00:52:38--> 00:52:40

and sometimes a person will get angry,

00:52:41--> 00:53:07

but overlook it. overlook it, right and it does awful, in general, and overlooking and ignoring a person's mistakes and making them sometimes think that he didn't even notice it. That is the recipe for any secret relationship, any any successful relationship. Friends even overlooking their mistakes, as long as the mistakes we're talking about are minor right? And then they just can be overlooked. So

00:53:08--> 00:53:28

and you know, consider is something that comes to mind is that highlights something that we said in the beginning. Remember this heady thimerosal of lice a lot. He was sitting down and he said to her, he said to Ayesha, I know when you're angry with me, she said he so he said how do you know when I'm angry with you? He says when you're angry with me, you swear by what?

00:53:29--> 00:54:12

Ah bla bla bla bla he know by the road Lord or Dora, Ibrahim. But when you're happy with me, you say now what would be Mohammed? So she said there'll be a lot on her Yeah, Willa Hina hydro investment he says by Allah He I only stay away from your name only. There's your love is really here. And she does not compromise any of his rights. It'll be a low unambitious, like just out of anger. She just says that that's the only thing that she leaves off nothing else. So he knows that okay, she's angry. So not every time knowing who he is. He's a prophet of Allah azza wa jal, right? How dare you be angry with me? Right? You could say that. How dare you be angry with me? I'm like, if there's

00:54:12--> 00:54:23

human perfection, I am human perfection. How dare you be angry with me? But sometimes she gets angry. So if she could be angry with Muhammad Sallallahu sallam, you're gonna blame your wife when she's angry.

00:54:24--> 00:54:40

Who are you any woman? Right? So she's gonna get angry. And she's not Asian. You're not the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. Okay? So yeah, we want to imitate them, but don't hold us to the same standards all the time. So, okay.

00:54:42--> 00:54:59

So she gets angry. But the prophets Allah Islam does not remind her every single day. Now you got angry. Now you got angry. Now. This is your fault. This is your fault. This is just Let's go. Let's go and Shouldn't you need to let things go. If you can't let things go, maybe completely ignore them. At least

00:55:00--> 00:55:43

Practice forgiveness. It's a mistake. I know it's a mistake can overlook it, but I can forgive it. Why can I forgive it? Because I want to be forgiven. I know I have my own mistakes as well, I want a lot to forgive me. So you practice forgiveness for you to be forgiven. And that, again, is also a recipe for a successful relationship and a successful marriage, forgiving the other person, so overlook it if you can, as if it did not exist. If it's not, it's just hard to forget, then you need to practice forgiveness. If that does not work. Number seven, then you need to honestly communicate with the other person, that this is not something this this thing that you said, this thing that you

00:55:43--> 00:56:31

did hurt me, offended me, can't forget it, can we talk about it, so that I understand why you've done it. And maybe we can move past it and beyond it. So we need to have honest communication with each other. And included in that number eight, for that to happen. And in general, we need to have time to talk and time to communicate. So now I know we're overwhelmed with our professions, we're raising our kids with responsibilities, but we need to find the time where we can talk to our spouses and talk to our children. So over dinner over lunch, when we're out, we need create this space, you create it, you find it, where you can sit and talk about what had happened to you know,

00:56:32--> 00:56:53

today, yesterday, what are your plans for tomorrow, telling me about, you know, something interesting that happened to just open the channels of communication, so that they can feel comfortable to confide in you to talk to you, and you can have the same comfort with them? Because if you're not talking to your spouse,

00:56:54--> 00:57:32

if your children are not talking to you, they're not, then they're talking to somebody else. Am I right? Because you have to talk to someone, you have to talk to someone it's impossible, right? So if I'm not confiding in you, I'm not complaining to you about my problems. If I'm not sharing my feelings with you, I will eventually find somebody else. And I'm not again talking about Tom, it could be Haram. But it could be just I'm just coming to the masjid and just you know, dumping it on some people. You know what happened to me, you know this, you know this, because there's no emotional satisfaction at home. So I'm just finding somebody else, some other people to talk to. So

00:57:32--> 00:57:53

you need to find that time for you to talk because if you have that time, it'll be easy to solve your problems in Sharla. seeking advice. Sometimes you need advice from the outside. And a brother reminded me Zelma here last time when I said about depression and anxiety talked to someone. He said, Well, we also need to be selective about this someone that we can

00:57:55--> 00:58:31

trust our problems with. So not just when I said talk to someone, I didn't mean just any one. No. Sometimes they make things worse, either because they take their problem and they share it with everybody else. So now everybody knows your business. Or they give you terrible advice. So they're not worthy of you know, your trust. But when I said talk to someone, it means somebody responsible, somebody who will keep your secrets somebody will give you the best advice somebody will not going to say the first the first and the first sign of trouble you know what is not worth it call the police is the first thing you want to discipline him call the police. Do you want to discipline her

00:58:31--> 00:59:07

call the police, then they will learn to Tow the line. That's not that's not advice. Visit if you fear for your life, call the police. Right. But that's not an advice just to discipline someone to communicate through calling the police you know, kind of that this means that communication between you guys has just been disrupted, irreparably maybe. So, talk to someone but someone who is responsible to mm in the midst of the shift and msgid an elder that is trusted who can give you very good advice about what to do with the with your problem, because sometimes you need that outside insight.

00:59:09--> 00:59:30

And then finally, inshallah follow the Islamic method of solving a problem and see the verses that are there in the Quran. So a lot of dead space speak, speaks about gradualism. So that will lead you to have one issue the whole note speaks to men. It says if you fear the disobedience or that the woman are not going to listen to you.

00:59:31--> 01:00:00

And there will be dissension in the family then Allah azza wa jal outlines a gradual process where you do not you know, you you admonish them, you remind them and then you abstain from their bed. And the last thing you gently discipline them gently discipline them. And we talked about this in a separate lecture. And it's still if there's a problem a lot as it says when 15 CFR cabine himmelfarb. So how can you How can we mean aliases if you still fear that there's going to be

01:00:00--> 01:00:35

dissension all of these things that you tried to do internally did not work. You talked, did everything but it did not work. Then you send an arbiter from his side and from her side and they decide what's going to happen and they tried to resolve it. So there is an Islamic method of reconciliation that law has outlined in the Koran allows it also says to speak into them and write in a Moroccan half admin body and which was in a way araga. For that Jenna Halima used to have a normal hand Masako? Hi, if a woman fears that dissension coming from her husband, he doesn't like her anymore. He has problems with her. It says there is no problem for them to reconcile by

01:00:35--> 01:01:11

compromise. Okay, I don't need all of this, okay, I don't need all of that. Some of them are my rights but I'm giving some umbrella rights up. Allah says this is better also to hear that you reconcile is still better than divorce. So there are methods right outlined in the Quran. So Allah zildjian has taken the time to express and deliver this in the Quran because it's so important because the family is so important and a lot of us are facing problems because of this to me to two minutes right? We can have 510 minutes, right? No, that's it inshallah, no problem inshallah. So, this is the conclusion inshallah, for my lecture