Muslim Family 4 – How To Raise Our Children
Channel: Ali Albarghouthi
Series: Ali Albarghouthi - The Muslim Family
What is the Islamic guidance on raising righteous and happy children? How do we instill in them the right values that will stay with them for the rest of their lives? This lecture shares with you practical do’s and don’ts to helps us become better parents.
This is the last part of the Muslim Family Series.
Episode Transcript ©
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hamdulillah salat wa salam ala rasulillah
inshallah, this is going to be the last This is the fourth and the last lecture in the series The Muslim family in sha Allah. So we did what we do so far. The first was how to choose your spouse, the second how to have a happier married life, the third how to solve the marital problems and this one inshallah, how to raise your children or how to raise our children,
our children, right, so even if they are your children, right, but they actually do belong to the community in the sense that we benefit from their success and harmed by whatever challenges they have faced. So how do we raise our children and inshallah Next week, we'll start another mini course that will be
in Charlotte, right, so we did receive some requests to focus on our data. So be an explanation of a book by Lima Madani, he's the students of Leon Shafi, and the book is called sharper sooner. So we'll explain that inshallah we'll see how that goes, which starts next week.
So, how to raise our children.
Now, just as an introduction, you know, the reason why we had this series is because
it Muslims in general, and then humanity at large, is facing increasing trouble with family life. And remembered maybe at one point, and you can still read about it in some older you know, Islamic literature. At one point, Muslims are saying, Oh, look at how our family, how strong our families are, the rate of divorce in Muslim families and communities is so small and tiny compared to the other, the West. This is because of our values and all of this and that right, but when you look at it today, the rate has gone up as really has shot up, whether it's for Muslims living as communities as minorities, in non Muslim countries or in Muslim countries as well. So there's something not
right about this. Yeah, I understand. As we said, last time, divorce sometimes is necessary. But what do we say about it? It's what the last solution. It's not the first thing that you resort to once you have problems. You try to fix it.
And I understand that there are some brothers and some sisters who are scared
because of everything that is happening. They're really scared that they want to get married. Because I'm afraid Well, if I do it
what's going to happen to me is what happened to my friend
this person in that mess did this disturbing that Mr. Sol good through the same pain. I don't want any of that.
And the same thing that stops also couples, sometimes from saying we want to have children because look at their child and what problems they're having with them. I don't want that for myself. I don't want that for my family. So Subhanallah there's something scary and I understand there's something scary about starting a family. You're marrying this individual you don't really know them.
Even those who Pamela even those who date for years, do they really know the person is when they get married too? Does that guarantee a lasting happy life? It doesn't. So who is this person getting married to?
Sometimes it's a gamble. Right?
Sometimes it's a gamble. I'm gonna have a child. Well, that shall be pious or not, sometimes it's a gamble is echo
some echo Okay, can I drop it here? Yeah, yeah, I can hear that so it can drop it a little bit and hopefully can help
so there's a little bit of gamble in it but also there should be an element of trusting Allah subhana wa tada where if you do everything in your power, leave the rest to allies. And you can't be hesitant or scared of doing what Allah loves basically getting married and having children because of what subpanel unforeseen you know, events unforeseen future because what are you afraid of may happen? Yeah, but it may not happen or it may happen but Allah will give you the power and the wisdom to be able to solve it.
So yes, I understand the reluctance I understand the hesitation I understand the fear that the same time right.
We can be isn't enough we believe in Allah to trust in him if we take the actual good steps to get what Allah wants us to, we will inshallah cheat the results that we want with the help of a loss of Hana without it. So this is one thing, something I wanted to say as an introduction.
So about 12 or 13 points I'll share with you tonight about race.
Our children The first is, we have to recognize them as a gift from Allah subhanho wa Taala.
And just look at how many people who don't have children, or who have children, but their children having, you know, physical problems, mental problems. So if Allah gives you a child, and by the way, I'm not saying that those who have these types of children or don't have children are cursed, no Subhanallah, they could be more blessed than those who have children.
It's just the kind of love this is the path that I've chosen for them. But I'm saying that if you do have a child, recognize it as an AMA.
I really recognize it as an AMA Allah has given you this individual.
And there is no you can think about it, there is no greater gift because if you can shape this boy or girl to be pious men and woman, you know that everything that they are doing, if you're a cause, everything that they're doing goes to you. If you're this cause, all that they will make for you when you're alive and after your death goes to you. There's no it's not going to be anyone else's we're going to be as dedicated and as beneficial as a child as a righteous child that you leave behind. That's why the Prophet sallallahu wasallam named them as one of the running charities continuous charities that you will leave behind. So it's an EM Oh no. So Nevermind.
So, if you consider it to be an AMA you have need to thank Allah for it. How do you think Allah Fernanda
How do you think a lot for an AMA? What do you think?
Do is one one thing we're going to be talking about? inshallah, one verbally? Thank Allah hamdulillah right. You find that in the Quran and hamdulillah Allah do have any allegories, Mariela is a man is Alhamdulillah that Allah has given me an old age Ibrahim is married and
so you thank Allah for that Allah has given you this we'll talk about shortly but also you use this gamma or whatever Allah subhana wa tada loves none what Allah hates that any near my Will you really want to thank you take it and you do with it what Allah loves none what a lie. So when you raise them the way that a lot once you're thinking that
when you neglect them,
you don't instruct them, you miss direct them, because sometimes you actually miss direct and Miss teach. When you do that, they turn from an enema into a curse. Right?
When Allah Subhana, Allah says in the Quran, that among your spouses and children are enemies for you, right? He says that in the Quran, they are enemies. So imagine someone who's giving birth to a child, he's so happy, She's so happy that they've given birth to them, that child turns out to be an enemy, someone who opposes them in Austria needs to preserve the name of Allah subhanho wa Taala by doing our last panel or dialogues with it, meaning teaching them as we will see inshallah teaching them Islam, developing good habits, giving them advice, discipline, one discipline is needed, not neglecting them.
And when I want to take want to say also is taking care of them should be when you decide I'm going to have a child.
That's a lifelong responsibility. And you say to yourself, this is a lifelong responsibility.
The sense that I'm not going to just have a child
and then decide on board with this. I'm just going to be doing something else. Know that child is your responsibility. And it's not just financial responsibility, especially like when the parents split.
And the mother is the one who's raising the child and father sometimes feels like it's just my my responsibility is just what the chat nothing else. That's not your responsibility only that's part of your responsibility.
But where is the model? Where's the example? Where's the instruction? Where is taking care of them, talking to them, ensuring that they are actually balanced, righteous individual worries, all of that, that's also your responsibility. And Allah will ask you about this. So it's not just a blessing or a heap a lot giving you a gift. Go enjoy it and have fun with it. No, Allah will ask you about this child. Why? The famous had equal camera and Baku Kama Sutra number eight, every one of you is going to be asked about his flock.
His family, this child, this child, this child, your spouse, what did you do to them? What do you not do to them? How did you neglect them? So if you want them to be an Emma from Allah subhanho wa Taala they have to be preserved and protected. And the last thing is,
Why do I because you can do anything and everything.
Your power to save them and help them. But still, they may disagree. We have an example.
Like the famous famous example that you will find in the Koran is the child of a prophet of the Prophet of Allah. No, no. Right? So you have a profit. I'm not talking about a shape.
Nowadays, you have a profit, and not only any profit from all of the best of the profits, the strongest of the prophets of Allah, and yet he has a child who was a disbeliever
so you're constantly needs a lot of support, constantly needed.
What Abidjan NEEMO keema Sadat,
Brahim again, Elisa, now Allah make me the person who establishes the salah and from my progeny.
So he makes the app for himself and he makes to offer his child see need to also make the art because on your own. If Allah just gives you Okay, fix this person, God this person, you can go and be able to do that Do you need a last panel with the Allah so with everything that you're doing with all of your effort, also feel that you need a last panel dahlias assistance. So constantly make dogs with a child and the sophistication of the parent is accepted for his child
is accepted. So take advantage of it and make a lot of dough out for them. So this is point number one.
Point number two, what is your intention behind having that shine?
Now it could be a worldly intention. Right? Fine, nothing wrong with it. But it's not the noblest of intentions. The best of intention in addition to whatever you need, you need to be satisfied emotionally and physically and all of that. Can we do this also for a loss of Hannah data? Can we do this for the sake of Allah?
You know, I want to bring into this life. Someone who worships Allah remembers Allah praise fasts. Someone who is pleasing to Allah subhanaw taala on this earth,
someone that Allah loves and Allah loves a lot back. That's an intention.
So what is beyond that I want someone who will be there. I'm not saying you think you, you need to he or she they need to dedicate themselves completely to Dawa. I'm not saying that. But I don't have your intention. I want them to be direct callers to Islam. I want them to be examples. I want them to memorize the Quran. I want them to memorize the Headey. They want them to be teachers. I want them to do something great with their life.
Or if they're going to be talking about your dreams and their dreams later inshallah, but I want them to do something great with their life. Why is it important to have an intention a because Allah rewards you for it? If it's for his sake,
then Allah will help you with it. If it's for his sake, then what's the third thing you will plan for it? If it's for Allah sake? So what do you want them to do? What do you want them to do? So the mother of a chef Abraham a lot, right? She knows what she wants with her child, she wants them to learn. So she takes them and sends him to the scholars, and he sits with them and he becomes a chef.
So they take them as early age, even though Josie others right An example would take them at an early age, you sit with this shape to shape with that shape, you learn to the Quran, you learn the Hadith, they become scholars by so they're sculpting they're preparing this person from a very young age because the intention is there, the end is there.
So whatever your intention may be, can we make it for the sake of Allah? subhanho? wa Taala? And can we help them by planning for that?
And maybe we can add to it and what is your intention? You know, to learn more about how do we receive the manners of receiving the newborn? What do you do?
When when they are born? What do you do what you read? What do you slaughter or how you name them all of these things to learn that is also part of what Allah subhana wa tada loves and rewards for and blesses the child also, because so learning about these things, we're not going to be talking about them tonight. But learning about these things is also important. Point number three, you know, are we models ourselves, for our children or not?
what really counts when it comes to trying to influence your children or anyone else is how you act your behavior, rather than what you say.
But in the beginning, they may listen to you, whenever you command do this, don't do that they will listen to you. But then still, they will compare your actions to your words. And if they find double standards and hypocrisy or that they will not take you seriously in time. So unless you actually are a model, you're modeling what you're saying you're applying what you're saying. They'll disregard your advice later, right?
That's true for all humans, right? It's the same for us. If you find somebody giving you an advice, and you find that they are contradicting that advice, you question the validity of that advice. In fact, as adults, we know if that advice is valid, it doesn't matter what what their behavior is, whether they follow it or not follow the advice of it's valid. But as a child, as a teenager, they're looking at you. And they're saying, are they actually committed to what they are preaching or not. So some sometimes, and obviously, as a parent, you want them to be better than you, right?
So you try to force them to do things that yourself, you're not doing, go to the masjid
while you're sitting home, attend the halaqa. And you're outside, I've seen that too. They drop their children off, and they leave,
you attend the hell are you, I'm gonna be somewhere else. But you have to attend the halaqa, you have to attend the study circles, you have to go and learn the Koran, but not the parent.
So after some time, they see that contradiction, and they should start following what you're doing.
So what I want to say is that, yes, you want them to be better than you, but be the person that you want them to be.
And once you have a child, in the law, you start you have to start changing.
I want them to be like that, then you model that behavior, you be this person. And when you are that person, it's easy for them to follow whatever you want them to follow.
And interestingly, you know, so Pamela, they're saying that, you know, the children, their eyes, you know, especially in the beginning, their eyes are covered with your own eyes, that's an expression, they're covered with your own eyes, meaning that they see the world through you.
Right, that's how they see and understand the world through you later, right, they will start developing their own ideas, their own vision, but initially, they see the world through you, whatever you do, whatever you value is what they do and what they will value. So you want them to be better, you have to be better, otherwise, they will not listen to you.
Number four, number four, which is you know, connected in a sense to being a model.
spouses have problems, right? get into arguments, should you do this in front of the children?
No, right. Don't start shouting in front of the children don't start arguing in front of children, you should have previous understanding if we, if this is gonna, something's gonna come up. Now we stop
and wait till we're alone in the room, they can't listen to us, they can hear what we're saying. And then you discuss whatever you want to discuss, but don't quarrel in front of the children. Right? Don't starts, you know, worse, insulting each other in front of the children, right?
And don't some parents do that because they need a release, right? When the other parent is away, and the children are there, they start complaining about the other one. Your father is doing this, as has done that, don't you see? Your mother is wasteful and distant. So that children become part of that conflict, and they cannot take sides is still talking about their mother, you still talking about their father, they can't take sides.
Right? You're only adding agony to the you know, brain into their heart. So don't do that. And if you know, unfortunately, you know, the couples split.
Don't try to score points by what I playing with the children in custody and who should see them and how long they should stay with this parent or that parent. Still, even though you may hate the spouse, he is still the father, she is still the mother and if they are
not a bad influence of the outfit, they should spend time with them. So don't take to take try to take revenge by trying to harm the other parents through the child. Right? That's a model, right? That's the model that's what you're supposed to be what we're all supposed to be. Point number five. I call that 710 and puberty 710. And puberty? Why 710 and puberty? Seven and 10 are ages that the prophets of lollywood send them right alerts as to in the
Hadith about the saga. Now the Hadith of the
Prophet SAW asylums reported by Mr. Abu Muhammad, Allah
commands them to pray when they are seven. What do they do
and hit them because of it meaning if they don't pray when they are 10 I'll explain the Hadith in Shell.
So the prophets Allah He sent me points to seven and 10 and forced puberty is when you become an adult responsible there is a cliff.
So there is an obligation on you fasting is an obligation on you. You're a man you're a woman then
but before that before we reach that stage, there is seven and there is 10
meaning your don't wait till they are 1415
And tell them pray.
That is what? Too late. Too late.
He says Muhammad dispositivi said I went there are seven commandment to pray. Meaning, although it's not an obligation on them, by the way, right? Because I have not reached puberty right. So it's not an obligation on them. But it's an obligation on you as a parent to remind them every time when it's time to pray.
And it's on us and watch upon them to pray, but it's wide upon you to ask them to pray.
So when they're seven, why the age of seven, they call that signal tummies, the age of discernment, you know, right from wrong, you know, you know, right from wrong, that if you're, you know, you know, what benefits you were Tom's You see, usually it's the age of seven, they can reach that age before, but typically for everybody, it's the age of seven. But you don't have to wait till the age of seven to teach them how to pray. So there's something that comes before that. So some of the Sahaba like, even like if that he says, if the child could now know his right from his left, he starts teaching them how to pray,
you know, basic understanding and comprehension, he starts teaching them how to present starts from a young age.
And you've seen children and PG senior children when you're standing and praying, and they want to come and join you, right. And they want to come and imitate. So you take advantage whenever they start, you have to start being able to comprehend how to pray, at least in movements, you teach it
in words, you start teaching it.
And you don't have to call them before seven, you don't have to force them to pray, we're not forcing anyone, you're not have to force them. You don't have to command them at every time, come and pray, come and pray, can and pray. But when now, when they were approaching the age of seven, now, your task starts
meaning at every time of Salah, so and so, did you make all those come and pray
before also marriage Asia and so on and so on and so on. Why?
So that they will develop this habit?
Right, from the age of seven till they reach reaching puberty, they will develop this habit that you are building the habit of Salah in them.
Right, it's part of them now. Every solder
every solder so someone may ask even federal,
even federal will ask yourself, do you wake him up for school?
Every day, when it's early? What if you know school was at a distance and the bus will have to come and take them and it's an hour distance will you wake them up? If it's five o'clock for school, you're waking up at four o'clock you really have to go to school, you wake him up. So if you're going to wake him up for worldly reasons for the future inshallah wake them up also for the for fedrick.
And don't be too lenient or too merciful. You think,
you know, some people, you know, I'm saying, anecdotally, he's saying, you know, somebody's coming to the masjid all the time. I even professional and everything. I asked him, Where is your son? His son is in college. He says, What are you son? He said, My son is sleeping. He says Why don't you bring him he says for him, you know, it's too early and this and that. He says, How old are you? How old do you want him to be before he starts praying on time?
He's in college, second year college and he's too young. Right? So the prophets already sent him his target tagging about what seven. Seven is not too young. Right? But we're in our 20s and older. And what we're missing is color and the parents the parents fault is for him. So we think it's merciful. It's
you let him sleep. Right? Let him sleep. So it's okay, let him sleep. He'll miss it, Miss. Miss McCollum. It's fine. Let them sleep last night for him. He's been playing, he's been studying. But that's not, that's neglect. Because if you really had that, you're waking him up so that he or she can sleep so that they will not miss that when they are bigger, and Allah will punish them for it. You're building an individual right and you're building the rest of their lives.
Right. So move on. So every seller has an obligation on you when they are seven, any meaning you sin, if you don't do it, to remind them that this is the term of solid mickaboo comes down and pray even though it's not an obligation on them. Okay, when they reach the age of 10. He says well,
meaning now by the age of 10, they should have have developed that habit.
It should be natural, you can remind, but if they're not doing it, you need to move to a different type of discipline. That discipline is hitting them
not abusively, not abusively and hit them only if it is what? beneficial.
So they're automatic. They don't hit them.
If it's beneficial, if it's not beneficial, don't hit.
And of course we understand the laws in our societies Minami do discourage or they ban hitting. And we're not talking about that type of beating your children. And we understand why these things are outlawed. And people used to take their belts belts off, right? And with their children
talking about I mean, these societies, right, that was the norm. And that is fine was fine. So you outlaw that type of behavior. And in Islam, it's outlined in Islam, you're not supposed to ever hit your children like that. You cannot hit your child, when you're angry, and you're frustrated, and you want to take it out on them. That's not reformed. That's not deep. That's what
I don't know being a savage, I don't know. Because you're you're punishing them. Now, you want to reform that child, you cannot break a bone.
You cannot break skin, you cannot leave a bruise. And you can only hit if it's beneficial. And you can never hit the face ever, by any human being, you can never hit the face. Right? So if it's not beneficial, don't hit.
But who the profits are iclm is telling you what here it's getting more serious.
So maybe instead of hitting sapan a lot, instead of hitting, you can take some other disciplinary actions. If you don't do this, you're going to be losing that.
yeah, well, I'll leave that in Charlottesville internal motivation. So not only sada inshallah, so this Hadith of the prophets already sent them also points to something else other than Salah if you want them to do something, start from an early age and build that habit. So it becomes part of their personality. So anything else?
Hey, job, right? Don't wait till it's an obligation on her. And then as she already had gotten used to not wearing the hijab, now it's difficult for her
kindness, taking responsibility within the home having chores within the home.
Again, it'd be like, you know, oh, no, don't let him do this. Don't let him do that. No, he needs or they need to be take responsibility for actions within the home, whether it's cooking sometimes, or he's in order cleaning the dishes or taking out the garbage. They're doing things at home. Why? Because you're building one character, not like, okay, poor them, they are too young, they can do this, they don't understand that. And they grow up, lacking and understanding of responsibility and commitment, keeping up promises, keeping up their words, so are also creating character, and rewarding and punishing for flaws and character. Right, at a very young age. And again, they were
going to be looking at you, does my father lie? And I will lie. Does my father break promises that I will break promises? Does my mother mock other people that are mock other people, they're going to reproduce whatever you're doing at home?
Point Number six, I titled that food, video games and physical activity.
Now, just before this,
I don't know if all of this is a lot or not. And I'm not intending, you know, to make anybody feel like oh my god, this is too much failure. I have failed my children. I can't do this. No, it's not that this is only advice, inshallah, do have it as much as you can. If you did not try to fix it. Insha Allah. So the next point, I don't intend to, you know, to be too difficult here, but monitor the type of food that your children are eating. Right. Again, as we said that you're building habits, you're building a personality, you're building a person who's going to be living the rest of your life, their lives, with the things that you're teaching them. Okay, what food are you
introducing to them? If it's sugary food, right, unhealthy food, salty food, junk food, and that's the thing that they are used to, that's the thing that they will give they will consume for the rest of their lives. This is the thing that they will love.
So this thing could kill them.
And diseases, whether it's diabetes, or cancer are on the rise because of the type of food that we give, feed ourselves and give to our children. Right fast food, soda and pop these things you know, I'm not going to say that they are haram but you know, at least you should ban them from your home
should be random. And they create behavioral problems by the way too much sugar, like creates behavioral problems for you. Do they listen to you? You know when they're jacked up on sugar, so much sugar? Will they will they concentrate? Will they excel at school when the food is not healthy? So try to choose the healthiest food, the most natural food, the one that doesn't have any added sugar added salt at this added that you know whatever fits
You're You're in my budget inshallah, but the healthiest do your best
Of course, they'll be insisting especially if there are males, right? We want to play video games, video games, video games, should they?
The thing that I want to say is that if you want to allow it to in your home allow it but only after understanding the effect that this will have on them. Do you understand the effect that this will have on them cognitively? behaviorally? Do you understand it or not? Have you done your research? Have you read the research? does it increase instances and an
attitude for violence or not? Does it or not? Does it affect their concentration or not? And the answer is yes. Yes, yes.
So the panel, a lot of times, we're bringing these things into our homes, thinking again, we're being very merciful and kind to our children, and we're bringing in things that harm them.
So video games, if it's a must, if it's video games, like anything else, if there's nothing Haram in them, they may be held up. But I'm saying if they are a must, they will be introduced at a later stage, after they have developed right after they have excelled at school after they have developed good habits of reading and studying and physical activity outside the home. After they've developed this. And still there's a room for video games, maybe with a question mark, and I rather not.
But don't introduce it to young children. It's going to shape the reins shape their behaviors of handle, I was talking to someone. And I don't know, just my guess I was talking to them in a professional setting. And he couldn't sit still. He couldn't still sit in one place or concentrate. And I'm thinking Am I guess well, oh, Adam, he's a gamer.
Because when you play with games so much, right? You need stimulation all the time and you can't concentrate. And that could be the effective effective it alone. But this is my guess.
But it has a lot of dangers to it. So don't give this to your children and unless or until you understand its benefits and definite harms.
Point number seven here is I call it internal motivation.
You want to create in your children internal motivation, not only external motivation, the profits the law you send them says in Hades, a hyphen filler, make them afraid of Allah subhana wa Tada. Make your children afraid of Allah subhanaw taala meaning not only afraid of you
might do this or your father will come and scream
man pray or your mother will be upset with you. Okay, where is Allah subhana wa tada in this equation. So you want to build amen in their hearts.
Not just pray because I want you to pray. Why am I praying?
Why am I praying? Allah loves it. Who is Allah.
They have to be connected to Alanna connected to you because if I'm praying Because of you, I will not pray when you're absent. When you're not looking when you're not reminding me so you want to connect that to Allah subhana wa Tada. So build their email, teach them who Allah is, his names and attributes.
They should love a lot of data, they should fear Allah, they should hold from Allah so they should know more about him. You should build that email. Do it for Allah Snowden, do it because Allah will give you heaven? And if not, there is the punishment of hellfire. What is heaven?
What is Hellfire have to teach them that.
And then also teach them whatever you can share with them meaningful,
statements from the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. And do it and also the example of the properties.
And the biographies of his companions. And the righteous predecessors teach all of that, to create in them models. And this again, that internal motivation that we're talking about. So they do this for a last panel what to add, and that's necessary in a non Muslim country.
Because most people around them, or in some context, most people around them are going to be non Muslims. And if Allah is not there, the fear of Allah, the love of Allah is not there. They're not going to do what a lot loves, and stay away from what Allah hates. So it's not you monitoring them, you have to develop that Allah is the one who's watching them. Right? And it's okay in the beginning to move from external motivation into internal motivation.
Even in education, right, that's fine. But your aim at the end is internal motivation, not external one external motivation is like what? They're very, very young. You want to encourage them to pray, pray, and I'll take you this to this place. Pray.
And insha Allah, maybe we can go on a trip to that place. So they will pray. But the idea there is to get them used to praying, and then use that to develop internal motivation.
You know, how it schools right in the beginning for children, especially if they're studying math and science, and they start giving them stickers and stars and all of that, right? This is an external motivation. Why do you do this, so you can practice it, and maybe grow to love it. And if you love that subject for its own, you don't need the stickers anymore.
You don't need them. You don't need the stars anymore. You don't need praise. I love math, I love science. So you want them to move more from loving the reward to loving the act itself.
And that will make time but that's the ultimate aim. And one of the Santa Ana rahimullah he used to, as part of the sanity saw children play. He says, Come here come. He says, I will give each one of you a Joseph like a nut. If you go and pray. So they go and pray and they come to Him and He gives them these nuts. So what are you doing?
What is wrong with it?
I'm spending future humps, and I'm getting them used to Salah.
So going away from that external motivation to an internal motivation. Ultimately, you want to build a man in their hearts, so that they praying for a lot. They're doing things for a lot of panel at that.
Point number eight. I said listen, talk and explain.
Listen, talk and explain. A lot of times we command do, and don't we yell and we scream. And we expect obedience. But we don't talk.
And worse we don't explain.
Why are you asking me to do this? They may not be asking you the why question. Sooner or later it's in their head. Why am I doing this?
So can you provide the wisdom? Can you provide the reason behind your requests behind your commands behind why sada Why? Hey, Jeff.
Muslim societies the Why is not as so much maybe more today. But not so much. Why? Because everybody else is doing it. You don't question what everybody else is doing? Right? Our habit is that we do what the majority is doing. But when you are the minority, and everybody else is questioning this either verbally or at least with their looks, or you think they're questioning that with their looks. You ask yourself, why am I doing something makes me stand out, give me the reason Give me the wisdom behind it. So you need to talk to them, and develop that bridge.
And also because it's not only the motivation or the wisdom, but also when they are facing problems. At least they should know I should care I can come to my parents and talk to them about it.
And they will face problems. And by the way, they're not going to share all your all of their problems with you. They're not.
But at least they can know that some of these problems, I can go to my mother, I can go to my father and I can find a sympathetic ear. Not always a judgmental ear, but a sympathetic ear that will help me solve my problems. I can trust them, I can confide in them.
They're not only white figures of authority, you are that but also they are people who will help me with my problems.
giving advice. One thing I heard that was very beneficial, give advice, but not too much, not too little.
Not too much advice, meaning that every time they see you, you're giving advice. How is your son pray more, you should be fasting more you should be reading the Quran more. He knows whenever he or she comes, they're gonna be talking to me about this. They're gonna run away from you. And they're gonna run away from the army gonna run away from the Salah, because it's just too much for them. Every time you see them, it's advice for on howdy this, this, this this? Right?
I know we're worried about them. Right? But that's not the way or we want to be their friend. So it almost never give them advice. In a way, never take advice. The time to give advice
seems to be sort of a moderate eye portion of advice. Even the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam bc Canada, what he would have been more. He used to take the time to give us advice not every day. Mahabharata same as he was afraid that we will be born.
And the Sahaba of the prophets of the law he was sent him they used to remind people to give them more either once a week, once, twice a week.
Every Thursday, it says we want more he says no, I'm not going to give you more. Right? Because at least one every Thursday still one more. You still craving more and if I give it every day you'll get tired.
So think about your children. If every day every
time you see them and giving them advice, they're going to run away from you.
If you try, and when they're older, if you tried to pressure, they're going to run away from you, right? But that's when they're older. But not not too much advice and not too little of it.
port number nine, I've said, from tyrants to friend,
I'm not asking you to be a tyrant, that I'm not asking you to be a friend, my recommendation, you're not a tyrant, but also you're not a friend. But I'm saying that you're moving in that
trajectory. When they're very, very young infants, you really are acting like a tyrant in a sense, right? you're designing everything for them. But
they still can't talk and you ask them, What do you want to eat?
Right, you know, right, you're deciding everything for them. And even when they start talking, right, but they don't really know what is good and bad for them, you still know you have to eat your vegetables, you have to eat your food? No, you cannot watch this. No, you have to go to bed, you're the tyrant. Right? Sort of can if you don't, don't assume that that personality of a tyrant, what I'm talking about it It resembles is close to the tyrant, meaning you're deciding for them what is best.
as they grow older, right? You can continue to be that tyrant. Right? Your power over them decreases,
decreases, decreases, decreases. So you want to approach towards the end. That area of friendship, although you're never really the friend, because a friend is what an equal, you're still a father, you still a mother, you still have to tell them, what is good for them and what is not.
But you're approaching that area where instead of now commanding or forcing them now they are 14 1518 can tell them what to do, it's very hard to tell them what to do right anymore.
But now is the time to tell them. This is what I think is right and wrong. And now we can talk about it. So you're closer to a friend. But don't expect that when they're 18 or 20. To start giving them commands as you're giving them when they were two and three. It doesn't work. So move from from being a tyrant. And as an ideal type tyrant into being a friend.
Number 10 Jani I titled that my dreams are not your dreams, right? Any A lot of times, you may hear a lot of times, but some children will complain. This is what my parents want me to do. This is not what I wanted.
And I know that we want them as I said in the beginning, we want them to be better than we are. And that's fine. That's fine and legitimate and hamdulillah. But also allow them to develop their own dreams and realize their own talents and find their way in life within what the borders of Islam within the borders of halal and haram. So they cannot be a replica of you.
They cannot fulfill the unfulfilled dreams that you have. They can't do that to their own people. So allow them that space to breathe, allow them that space to express themselves and find you know their way in life insurance.
Two, three more in Sharla. And we'll be done. Number 11. I said patience.
Patience, patience, patience. Sometimes true and doing everything in your power. And still it's not really working. Don't give up. Keep at it. Keep doing it, keep making the right. You know, sometimes they go on a path you don't like as dangerous and it's harmful. Still do your best keep making do and never give up. Sometimes what is needed, you know, sometimes it's the best healer is time. Sometimes what is needed this time. Sometimes it's needed source them to commit a couple of mistakes and then they will find out that what they were doing was wrong. So you need patience, and a lot of it. And you must also realize by the way that as a parent we're talking about you know whether it's
a you know, a two parent household or single parent as a parent, sometime right you need outside help. I'm going to talk about counseling a little bit, but you need outside help when you are too exhausted realize that right? When you are overworked, realize that
when you're fatigued, realize that and take some time off. When I am a parent, how am I taking some time off. If you have somebody right who can babysit and you can go out or you know do something that I'm talking about. But do something different, that can re energize you re motivate you do it but recognize especially if your spouse is there if the mother is too exhausted as the Father realize, if she is too exhausted, she cannot do her best. If the father is too exhausted, the mother should look and say if he's too exhausted, he cannot perform at his best. So give each other a chance to read and react.
energize. So with patience comes realizing our weakness, our limitation at times, and trying to re energize ourselves. And if you have extended family or friends who can help take advantage of them. And again, patience, patience, patience. And
point number 12. I said, reading and learning,
encourage your children to read, instead of the TV instead of the internet, right? encourage them to read, you know, make them love reading, especially something beneficial.
But make them love reading because this will open doors for them, this will enhance their brain personalities in ways that sound a lot, you know, cannot be matched by anything else to encourage them to read useful books. And also you need to teach them at home.
It's not enough to send them to Islamic school, meaning no weekend school,
or I am sending them or I'm taking them to Islamic conferences, but there is nothing at home.
And think about it. How many hours will they spend the weekend school? How many hours are they spending in these conferences? Then versus the many hours that are spending in public school at home and outside?
And look at the percentages? Is that enough to teach them Islam? discipline them on virtue and taqwa? Is that enough? It's not enough.
Right? And it's not simply somebody else's job. And that is it. It's also your job at home. Even with a few they go to Islamic school, you have to ask them, what did you learn today? Right, this and this and this, discuss that with them? What did the mom say a domestic today what was the whole debate about discuss all of these things with them, and add to it and enhance it and complimented with teaching at home, or at least emphasizing whatever they have learned and repeating that at home. And it's beautiful. So Pamela, right. If you attempt sometimes repaying them at home, federal motivation, whatever it is that you'd have a book,
or book of Sierra, once you pray, you sit for 510 15 minutes, and you read together. Now they're also are learning and they're learning what as a family.
So this is something beautiful. So in addition to whatever instruction they're receiving, outside the home, it has to be emphasized and complimented with instruction inside the home, no one is going to do your job for you, by the way, right? No one Islamic school will not do it, the masjid will not do it, it will help you. Right. But the they will no one would be able to do your job for you except, you
know, and also reading and learning under that also you need to read and learn.
Read more about Islam in general, but also about how to raise children. And if this is this lecture is not enough. It's really not enough. So there are books on how to raise children, Islam by them, and read them and learn more about this more strategies from an Islamic point of view. And if you have insha, Allah, the Islamic background, there is no reservation then to go outside.
What ramsons have written and read that as well. As long as you understand that if you read something, you know, that opposes Islam, you're not using this. But you have to know the difference. And if not ask, but educate yourself on how to raise the best children that you can ask the panel you can share this also with others. If there are seminars, if there are helpers, have their books, attend all of these. Also reading biographies is very helpful. The example of the setup before is very helpful. How did they raise their children? How did they relate to them, how they made the out to them, how they discipline them, that all of that will give you ideas.
And the last thing that I want to say is counseling counseling in the sense of what I don't only mean by professional counseling, I mean by it help advice, we all of us need that. And whether it's the mom or the shape or a wise elder or I know why sister or someone with experience or somebody with professional training and background, academic training and background. These are resources.
you know, I'm being overwhelmed by this I'm facing trouble with that ask them how to solve these questions. And don't just rely on your cell phone you don't know the answer. As and keep learning inshallah you just need to know that you should a pick the right person for you ask him for advice. pick the right person, they should know what they're talking about. Be serious about it. Right and consistent. What I find sometimes is that the person do have they do have problems. They ask for advice, but there's no follow up.
There's no there's no application, what should we
Do this this business and that is it.
No, you have to be serious about it. If you have a problem and you're going for someone for a solution for advice, take that advice and implement it, then come back and give feedback and ask for more advice. And, you know, know that you need this patience and these consistency to affect change. Because the last one is nice, I think, in order for you to change, you need to change. Remember, we talked about that before, when you need to change your spouse, they're not going to change unless you change. So also for your children, you want them to change sometimes it also means you changing. And it's easy to complain about our children and say they're bad in this way and that bad in that
way. They're not listening to me and that, you know, some of the sellers have said, you know, if they're not listening to you, there's a possibility that you caused it. You created that situation I'm not blaming anyone who by the way, you're thinking you should believe that about yourself. If you're facing this I'm saying that sometimes there is this for all that comes right from the parent
that comes what you have neglected them you have you did not you know Subhanallah give them their rights, mistreat them in a way that causes the reverse what that causes that to come back to you.
So you help them to be righteous by you being righteous, right? And if you want them to change the first path to the change is you changing as well.
So this concludes the 13 points I had for this lecture, I hope that you found inshallah this beneficial So again, the idea you know, no brothers and sisters,
a lot of us have problems, a lot of us have concerns and
they're not plenty of counselors and Imams and shakes that you can go to all the time. So this was designed so that it can give you keys inshallah, so if you found it beneficial inshallah, learn from it and share it with others. That's the idea is that somebody will listen to this and say, okay, there's something very useful, and I'll start doing it. So that's that's the whole thing. Was that McGraw Hill? Any questions? Let me know in sharp
Nam inshallah. So I don't think that you can buy it, but I will provide the link for it. It's in Arabic, I'll provide the link for it. And Facebook, on Facebook in Sharla, or whatever else, you know, on social media, so I'll provide the link and you can print those pages and you can follow with me. So I'll post that and then the Facebook page. I think it's public in the sense that it's open, so anyone can access it. inshallah, you don't need to have Facebook for this.
It's not, I'll give you I'll give you my Facebook and Charlie have given my