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Towards Solving The Marriage Dilemma

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Alaa Elsayed

Channel: Alaa Elsayed

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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salat wa salam ala rasulillah Nevada so that was a delay of what I get to my dear brothers sisters in Islam. And inshallah we will go on a journey I'm you're, you're invited on a journey, a very short journey, but it means a lot.

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And hopefully again, by the end of this journey, we will learn a lot.

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If we listen with our hearts,

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and really think about the reason we're here

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and hopefully, inshallah we can see the reward.

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Get the fruit when you sow the seed.

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And inshallah, by the end of this session, we can alleviate some of the misconceptions

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get on the right track,

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and ultimately get some people married.

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The brother was coming to me, uh, you know, I misunderstood him from the Sydney posse

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is already embarrassed covering his face, but don't worry, man, we won't point you out.

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You know, when I was under the impression he was married to to the sisters. Sadly, I was mistaken. He was still looking for his first wife.

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So we're making advertising on the brothers we have inshallah, we'll come up with a game plan for everyone that is looking for a spouse job.

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The topic is marriage, the dilemma of marriage. And, you know, why is it stressful? Why is it a dilemma?

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Because we make it a dilemma. Because we make it stressful? Because we stayed away from the Quran and Sunnah. And what did we take on? Or

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we took on tradition, cultures, habits, old baggage luggage, while we call back home, still.

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I deal with this a lot, either before, through or after.

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And it's so simple. So Pamela, but we make it difficult.

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Let us start this journey quickly.

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The number one reason you will have a successful marriage.

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inshallah

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is by being proactive.

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By doing your homework.

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We talk about this in details, inshallah, in the course, but we're taking you through a sort of a quicker tour tonight.

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Please understand, that, if you don't pave the way,

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in a profound way solid foundation of your marriage, you will have a shaky start.

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Not a very good way to start. So let us start before beforehand, before marriage itself.

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I'm going to ask some questions.

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And hopefully, it'll trigger something.

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I'm going to ask a very simple question. What is number one? What is number one right? For you children? Anybody knows?

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Michelle, what is it?

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A good mother. Mashallah, who's that?

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Log? Well, good for you as

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well, ladies, right?

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Most of the time, I get a lot of answers, but that's exactly it. And he didn't have to call a friend or

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family have the left. Services. Number one, all that stuff.

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It's true. Being

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a proactive father or mother is choosing the righteous spouse. It's true, very true. There are some more rights for your child. We'll take him a detailed literature Allah, but now at least let's pave that way. We're going to take you through this process of choosing a spouse

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Then getting this wedding thing

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out of the way how stressful Can you be?

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So let us now we talked to the sisters early on today we talked about this building you know of dreams I'm talking to the brothers now this time just a little bit

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when I go to universities usually speak to the youth I don't

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what do you remember from the Hadith man?

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When Prophet Mohammed Salim mentioned four criterias for the sister to look for two minutes to wait. What is what do you think number one on the on the

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Yeah, I remember that event. What do you remember? Ah. Vijay Mallya horse for beauty man.

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It's true it's very true. Beauty is actually there in the last column actually mentioned that and we'll you know we'll take the the the reason we say that for not here but another another sin. But Islam is a practical religion is true.

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Prophet Mohammed says Allah mentioned is for curious for a reason.

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So you want to look for a beautiful wife?

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Because if you don't have a beautiful wife according to your standards, the eye of the beholder inshallah, because you walk downtown or somewhere in Australia in the summertime,

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May Allah help you in shallow or on university campus. And you see

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things

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sisters in humanity walking around.

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And now you go home

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and look to your

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wife.

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And then right you said I should have listened to Prophet Mohammed.

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Four criterias are there

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but when I asked the brother What do you really want? He says, What do you have by law Vila

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shadowhawk and

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equally limited.

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Well, I wouldn't believe that.

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I want her to be tall and white. Beautiful, silky hair has a different color during the day different color during the night.

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If you see her here from far she's beautiful. And if she comes close, she's even more beautiful. As if she's riding a horse.

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Here comes the horse again what's up with

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Canada Nia to MasterCard. She was rich they became poor but there is a leader

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she was rich and became poor says now has the pride that arrogance the novelty of that wealth, but she's also humble and modest when it comes to poverty

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what a criminal cabal while

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she's kind to that young, gentle and respects the old good with the neighbors.

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I mean the list is so long

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you know

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what la isla de la la

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by Allah if we find this woman that you have all these criterias for we would have been what put her in a near momineen mat we took an oath yes go ahead you can lead this oma

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but then that same brother that is coming to look for all these things in that future wife you look at him he looks like this

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are you kidding me man?

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alarms that.

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So we put pressure on ourselves for not being realistic and not needing to that Islamic marriage strategies and the Quran and the Sunnah inshallah. So there are two criterias for the sisters and four criterias for the brothers inshallah we are not going to emphasize that but I want to give you one thing Prophet Mohammed sauce alum has given you one that you cannot go without Which one is that? The Deen very good. So I will give you with a one visual that hopefully you will not forget.

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Okay. So we now know that Vijay Mallya beauty is a given, as we mentioned Islam as a practical religion.

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And now the wealth the least

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To the family and the dean.

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So, number one on Prophet Mohammed sutherlands list the most important of all

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is the dean so we'll put it up. Dean is number

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one very good. Dean is not forget to write out. But in the process of choice, we know that we go for beauty first and I will explain the reason why behind it. But really the most important foundation is Dean. So number one.

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Now she is beautiful.

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Bonus, but a zero she's at 10.

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All right. Now she's also rich.

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That's 100% but another zero here right?

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Now she's also comes from a good family good upbringing and environment as batting 1000.

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Now take away the dean,

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what do you got?

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three zeros. Enjoy.

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Good Life.

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Now we really know the sisters is looking for this man on the white horse and all that stuff and the things that we talked about earlier. And that's where the dilemma comes in.

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Why? Because they've been reading this story with this guy. And this guy that's coming in with all these fantasies, right? when they're young, they've been planning this wedding.

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It's true. It's true. And I'll tell you, I've actually been to a wedding where the guy had to come in on a white horse.

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Well, why is he telling you the truth? He made it very difficult for all of us. How do you top that, and had to sign a wedding with a feather and it was beautiful. It's beautiful, romantic. It's true. It's very true.

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But what happens into that process, after choosing the spouse and so on, now you have to fight, fight.

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Now the parents are coming in. On one side. religious aspect is on one side. You have the traditions and cultures on one side. You're born and raised here. But your parents still do what?

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With all due respect, of course, I speak Come on Pico. de gallo.

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been there done that? I love Brianna. By the way, though.

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It's true. They're your own dilemma. Your parents want you to have this. And by the way, your parents have already chosen a spouse for you. But you don't know it yet.

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I have heard this one brother got a phone call. Hey, son.

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Go pick up your wife from the airport.

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Now what do you do? You're in a dilemma. You want to please your parents because you don't want to disobey them because there's rules and regulations that has this 123 but now you want to live your life. You do not want to receive your wife in a parcel. We have to sign for her and go

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for the first time in your life to see this woman

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by the way, you're supposed to see it right.

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So now what happens? You go through a struggle, you go through a struggle, and then you know who you please your parents yourself. Culture. What How about pleasing allows.

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How about following the sinner Prophet Mohammed?

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You can go on

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now this is one of the hurdles.

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The other hurdle

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catching.

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You see in some countries, there's a big price tag in order for you to get married. No, we haven't done that wedding yet. We're talking about dowry.

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Now the brother I've seen a brother that's very old hasn't gotten married yet and ask them Hey, are you married? How many kids you have and and so on because

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I'm not married yet man. Go brother from another mother.

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Where's the sister from another mister?

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What happened dude?

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He goes

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I'm still collecting dowry. You're 55 years old man.

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So why? You see what happened? The scholar says this haram thing that is going on around this Joy's odfi this boyfriend girlfriend is chatting this phone

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Cause the stuff we talked about earlier. You know, we the scholar says, the unknown set up to meet halaal prasarana. Zero.

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We have made it difficult for our own sons and daughters to do the right thing to get Hillel marriage. We put so many labels, a price tag, so much pressure on our own children. And they are a walking.

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What's the proper word to say?

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They have things inside them.

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They move.

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It's true. Human beings with emotions, temptations, they see things around, and they act upon it.

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But now we put all these restrictions and hurdles you have to do this. You have to do that after this. And some of us are actually what reserving our own daughter for

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my brother's son back home.

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believe it's true. These are true stories. We deal with this all the time.

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And oh, yes, I will not marry my second daughter unless my first daughter gets married first. Same with the brother and the sisters is going to my man, how you doing?

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I'm waiting. Is this halal? or haram? Is this the proper way to do this as soon as possible?

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Now, what happens

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is this part when it comes to

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delivering the final product, you know, we're holding on to our daughter so much because we don't want to give her up. And this brothers coming in and fighting, fighting you. I want the uncle

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Can I have your daughter,

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you know, we have to go through a struggle this really now on the last line of defense. So we have to look for faults with this guy, shoo, shoo. We don't want you around here.

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So now what happens

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we go through this process of elimination.

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And we go through these tests, and you feel like you're on a hatch. I remember the first time I actually

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went to see my wife

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I took I took a cake

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this was supposed to do apparently you buy a chocolate cake or something and you dress really nice. And then you go in, you know

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you know the shoes in the back and you polishing and all that stuff. And you're like your heart is going

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and now you knock on the door.

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And all of a sudden you see this

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like the Fire Dragon whatever you call that, you know they go in and you have your father or uncle or brother. It's like you're fueling your fire squad and they're shooting at you with all these questions. I just came to ask her hand in marriage

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so of course the first time I actually not see my wife stru so I am going back

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and I'm waiting for Hong Kong. I had to go through the process with that firing squad first. And I had the second phone call and I go in for the second time

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like interviews right to get a job as a husband

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and now I had to buy another cake

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This is costly man what's up and I had to go with another suit because otherwise they will think I only have that one suit that I

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trying to impress these people

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again, the whole duration of that interviews you didn't come out she didn't come out. So I'm going oh really that so just before I go to that Camilla Hayden thank you I get the I get the hint school you don't have to worry about so I something were pushed out. They actually had to push her out in order for me to see these things is true. Like the more difficulties and all that stuff I understand. But now when it comes to even the process of yes you agree on certain things and parents agree with each other and the children and money job that please swear or what language kids and all that stuff. Different criterias Here comes another major hurdle. What is it?

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The wedding, right? The wedding itself?

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Allahu Akbar.

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You know, I know that some certain cultures have so many Mashallah events in order for the brother to actually get to be a hamdulillah Hello Angela. You know with her. It's amazing the hurdles that he put through what happens first they have something I believe called

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You know,

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then you go Rock City, then they go bankruptcy.

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By the time the brother is actually married and alone with his wife, he's $40,000 in debt.

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How do you start your life? In the minus?

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Honey, we're broke.

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So we have to raise money to be saved to be able to say where or even or broke. So, Pamela so I see why he Why put pressure on yourself, and why is it done?

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And the most answer is, because my cousin did this. Or my this did that. My diary was this and her diary was that and what will people say? How can we learn it is very difficult, very difficult, even know, even though that we are we identify ourselves as a Muslim, but we buckle under pressure, because of the people the culture that all these traditions, these things with a price tag.

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And of course, the dilemma living in this society, what happens? What kind of a wedding will we have? You know,

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right, or the left with more than moderate? So maybe the brothers on this side is this isn't that side in America, people in the middle? Hmm, will we be doing the do for the work dinner sheet? Or what kind of all these things that they actually fight and believe it or not, some marriages break up before they even get to the first face because they cannot get together?

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And what happens of course, you're not wedding. This what happens on it apparently, it has to start with Brian.

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Because I go into the weddings

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during this marriage certificate thing.

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And you know, the sisters amazingly enough, it's, I call this the convertible agenda.

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The sisters have this beautiful shawl on their shoulders

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and start the wedding with how do we learn?

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Start the second one. All of a sudden, amazingly, a miracle happens.

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The sisters with the scarf on their shoulders what happens? They go

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Hello laquelle all the sisters in

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law. This is amazing. I have seen this with my own eyes. Then after

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lobbying what happens?

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So close yet so far.

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As if hedgehog was just there to for

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now in the winning in itself, these dilemmas, these hurdles that we go through this, it's a moral dilemma for us, what do we do?

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So I have a little bit of a game plan for you. Because we are looking for solutions. We are here to do something as called the right thing. And sometimes doing the right thing may not be the right thing to do. But doing things right

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may not be the right thing to do or doing the right thing may not be doing things the way that we think they are. It's true.

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So in order for us to go through this beautiful journey,

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I'm going to invite you to come to Home sweet home

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next year when I come back to Australia gela to give you the rundown and everything else.

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But to leave you with a few things. First, I'm talking to that guardians now. Specifically, the fathers

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you know allows the panel to Allah give you that power as

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well as mobileme lotto don't miss abuse, don't abuse this power or misuse this power.

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It's true. You are the last line of defense. So we say that Illa hypnotic, be conscious of Allah subhanaw taala fear Allah in your trading with Dr. Sharma.

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Please understand

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that you are looking for the father of your children.

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Not just the husband. We're looking for the father of the children. Same with UEFI because right now the brothers are looking for certain things. But we have a short vision. When we look down the line could did could this person be that mother of my children?

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There are there are books that we actually have to read put these things together. 1001 questions, there's a few little tests

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does she fit the criteria

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What happens? Go back to Rachel cardi

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and what happens when he started his his wedding? Do you know what to do when you start your wedding? Or the evening? And the day? Do you know that they're supposed to be some student? If you don't know the student, I want you to go back and do your homework, read the book called

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the fertile arrows.

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And if not, inshallah we can provide it for you later on in a summary.

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But you want to make sure that you leave these hurdles by going back the Quran and Sunnah. And ask yourself, did Islam really make marriage difficult?

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The answer is no. It's very easy. As a matter of fact, when I deal with the other societies or other ways of life, they say this amazing by one word this woman is

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is married to this man, one word, and they're not married anymore. So Pamela, Allah subhanaw taala made it so easy. With credentials the criterias are very simple.

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Look at Fatima rhodiola and Alba

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look at Olive Natalia Vodianova What did he do? How did he do it? Even and even abitata? What did he do? It he actually Prophet Mohammed Salah was the one to approach and he never thought about the lava.

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So what did he have? What was their salary by the way?

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About the shield of the armor prophet Muslim game.

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What was your furniture like?

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Father was the daughter of Prophet Mohammed SLM the leader of women

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in heaven. What was your furniture like if he anybody knows.

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So panela amazingly enough, you'll find out they had something to sleep on

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a pillow that had loofa inside of the stuffing, and one pot to cook in. And one something to grind the seeds.

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But now when you go to the sister, what did she want? I want the fur coat the Mercedes Benz I want a flat screen TV, a multi whatever video I want the dowry blah, blah, blah, blah, I want the house next I believe I don't want you to get married to a second wife. I don't want

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the conditions are so long and amazing. Amazing. Well, light.

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So you keep asking yourself, if you go back to the roots will go back and a loved one. Don't make it easy for us. We'll make it difficult. We'll make it difficult for our own selves. This is the bottom line. Bottom line is we have to go back to them. And you find out how the profit mom's LLC What did you see? It says a Corona Baraka

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Kowloon, Nomura.

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Remember, the more blessings the more allows of Hanukkah as blessings upon your marriage? Is that less of a dowry? less of a dowry? And you know, in certain countries is supposed to be rich countries.

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They actually don't get married from the same. They go somewhere else get married. Why do you think that is?

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They can't afford it. They believe it. This is supposed to be a rich country. I'm not going to name any countries.

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Japan.

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Okay, let's go with that.

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It's not Japan. However, I'm sure some of us know what country they are. In some countries, it's not a problem. However, we need to learn from it not dimension. It's not important who they are. What's important for us is to learn from that

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they cannot get married. As a matter of fact, have you ever heard this

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sentence I have to go back home to find a wife?

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Anybody heard that before? I said that before? Have to go back home to find a wife? Why do you think you want to go back home? To find a wife? Anybody knows?

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Why would you even fathom or think of that?

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Because you cannot afford some it's true. Or they will think it will be easier that way.

00:29:13--> 00:29:30

So what we're saying here, let's help one another to do the right thing. Let's help one another to come back. Let's help one another to do what is supposed to be done as according to Islam for Adamson so my proposal for you is very simple. To do this with every community I go.

00:29:31--> 00:29:33

I'm going to ask a couple.

00:29:34--> 00:29:37

A will a very well known respected couple

00:29:38--> 00:29:47

in the community to come forth, not here. I'm not asking to do it now. But inshallah to take it upon yourself as a husband and wife.

00:29:49--> 00:29:51

Because we see a lot of sisters

00:29:52--> 00:30:00

wanting to get married and they can't find the brother or don't know how to deal with it or meet or talk when I'll get to know them. Same thing with the brothers that a lot of brothers want.

00:30:00--> 00:30:04

Get married, but they just don't know how to, you know, you hook my friend.

00:30:05--> 00:30:10

They don't know how to clinch the deal, how do I do it? So I did this with my wife.

00:30:13--> 00:30:22

I asked the brothers, anybody who wants to get married, they send me an email with Tell me who they are, what they're looking for, and send me a picture.

00:30:23--> 00:30:24

And until the sisters,

00:30:26--> 00:30:29

anybody who wants to get married, do the same thing, but email my wife.

00:30:31--> 00:30:33

And then we try to match.

00:30:34--> 00:30:55

We don't do this as a business, but we do it as a community. Well, I, I'm not asking if the brothers are doing this as a business. May Allah bless you, good for you online Sharla. I don't mind that at all. It's true. But the percentage is low, actually, percentage is low. For the, I'm not going to talk about it. Because I mean, I don't want to offend anyone.

00:30:56--> 00:31:10

But what we're seeing, actually, we have to look for solutions. The problem we're having is our brothers and sisters are actually doing something that's harm, we're actually getting married to somebody else, even outside of the faith. Because they have an easy way.

00:31:11--> 00:31:24

They have it as Okay, I want to just make sure that I protect myself and do it and do the right thing. The cost is normal. So what I'm asking from this community in Sharla, is to come up with a solution

00:31:25--> 00:31:53

one brother, one sister, or a couple Charla to come up with this idea. The idea of add, everyone comes forward with a picture is like as if you're applying the things that you need to know about it and go through the criterias and then the sister will do the same thing being interested Of course, with this information that will not go anywhere try and match and that happens. I will give you four pointers, if you ever selected

00:31:54--> 00:31:56

four points that you have to remember.

00:31:57--> 00:31:59

The first thing is gold is the shadow

00:32:00--> 00:32:02

the second will be is the harder

00:32:03--> 00:32:03

the third will be

00:32:05--> 00:32:06

the fourth will be to work with.

00:32:08--> 00:32:09

So let us explain

00:32:10--> 00:32:13

is the Shara is consulting, doing your homework

00:32:16--> 00:32:25

asking about the background and the four criteria. So the brothers are two criterias for the Sisters of the force that we know that the capital compatibility between the two in different ways.

00:32:26--> 00:32:28

Now after you've done that,

00:32:29--> 00:32:31

you lose the Shara and star

00:32:33--> 00:32:35

is the hoorah means what you asked and allows you

00:32:37--> 00:32:38

to choose what's best for you.

00:32:40--> 00:32:49

So what is he? Is he going to start with a you know, a pre determined attitude you already know that I want I want this but I'm doing this to heart anyway. Are you doing this today?

00:32:51--> 00:32:52

It doesn't work that way.

00:32:53--> 00:33:15

So you're doing what you're doing first thing you're doing your homework 123 the sister has all these criterias the brother has all these criterias and hamdulillah I see the sister walk into work or the school or whatever it is or their family. I've seen the sister and that's how I actually asked the brothers what to do. I tell them first see the sister if you like what you see

00:33:16--> 00:33:21

then proceed. Then you asked about the background he asked about all these things.

00:33:22--> 00:33:25

You've done your homework, three to work out

00:33:27--> 00:33:35

to ask the last panel to Allah to choose what's best for you. Because no one knows what's in the heart and no one knows what's in the future except the last panel Jeff Yola.

00:33:36--> 00:33:45

Now once you get the green light if things are going very smooth proceed if things are making it very difficult, no matter how hard you try, run

00:33:47--> 00:33:48

abandon ship

00:33:51--> 00:33:53

run Forrest run Yeah, exactly.

00:33:55--> 00:33:56

allows that.

00:33:58--> 00:34:09

After that, by the way you don't have to see anything in a dream or anything like that but it is it's an illusion. So now the third one is after you get the green light things are going smooth as determination.

00:34:11--> 00:34:13

Number four is you put your trust in the last

00:34:16--> 00:34:18

very simple formula.

00:34:20--> 00:34:22

When you start I want to go back to what I have cloudy when I started.

00:34:24--> 00:34:25

I want you to sit down

00:34:26--> 00:34:30

with that sister of yours. Sorry that sister of yours not good

00:34:32--> 00:34:33

with your wife inshallah.

00:34:35--> 00:34:39

As the selector call his wife said, Susanna slick. Hold on.

00:34:41--> 00:34:46

It says please tell me what you like so I can do and tell me what you don't like and I will not do.

00:34:48--> 00:34:50

Very simple statement that we don't do it.

00:34:51--> 00:34:53

We take everyone for granted.

00:34:54--> 00:34:59

mazing suppiler love and then you talk about the goals, the comments all

00:35:00--> 00:35:05

That stuff in insha Allah the student, I want to start you off with the right student.

00:35:06--> 00:35:07

And I will leave you with this.

00:35:10--> 00:35:13

What do you guys do? After the wedding?

00:35:14--> 00:35:15

I know you've seen the movies.

00:35:19--> 00:35:22

Usually what happens? The brother will carry the sister

00:35:27--> 00:35:37

all right? No, that's that's not what I'm asking you to do. I'm asking you what establishes? Are you supposed to say? I do I supposed to tell you before you enter the home

00:35:39--> 00:35:40

and then you enter with which foot

00:35:42--> 00:35:45

with the right foot your right. And what do you say?

00:35:48--> 00:35:59

Bismillah salaam aleikum? Of course the Muslim fortress of Muslim please get it if you don't have it, get it? This small little booklet that will help you through inshallah.

00:36:00--> 00:36:05

Enter with the right foot to say Bismillah salaam aleikum? Why Bismillah if

00:36:07--> 00:36:08

I'm talking to the brothers now

00:36:09--> 00:36:23

and the sisters if the brother doesn't know that slap him upside the head, wake them up quick and remind them gently ever so gently with a with a little TLC with this not the TV channel, tender loving care of the husbands don't know like you need the guy.

00:36:24--> 00:36:32

So now you say Bismillah because everything is a name of a lot what happened so your team will be out of there? We can stay here. Name of allies mentioned

00:36:33--> 00:36:34

Selam Aleykum

00:36:36--> 00:36:41

Why do you say Salaam Aleykum? Is anybody there? I think the sister will probably think that you're

00:36:42--> 00:36:45

stuck in himself already. Hello, Aqua.

00:36:47--> 00:36:52

We stand in the West way. Wait, man I'll show you and you know, you really be talking to yourself real?

00:36:54--> 00:36:55

Well, why Why are you saying Solomonic?

00:36:57--> 00:36:57

You're right.

00:36:58--> 00:37:01

The good and there's also others

00:37:02--> 00:37:06

but other one is scary because you don't have nightmares and so on. We'll talk about

00:37:07--> 00:37:14

this later. Less than or equal to enter with the right foot upon Allah. That's beautiful. And then what who knows what to do? What do you do first?

00:37:16--> 00:37:17

Sorry,

00:37:18--> 00:37:20

I heard it right. Allah is

00:37:21--> 00:37:24

good man. Mashallah. Most people don't know that.

00:37:26--> 00:37:29

Man, I've been waiting for 25 years, dude.

00:37:31--> 00:37:34

You want me the first thing I come in to the house preacher?

00:37:36--> 00:37:38

You must be kidding. No,

00:37:39--> 00:37:40

I'm not. That's

00:37:43--> 00:37:44

why

00:37:45--> 00:37:51

you're establishing a fact. You're establishing a home that is built upon

00:37:52--> 00:38:07

obedience of Allah. Sooner Prophet Mohammed sauce. This is a Muslim home, you're declaring you're raising a better this is a Muslim home. We're starting with an obedience to thank Allah subhanaw taala that we found each other.

00:38:09--> 00:38:14

You starting to see that this is a house of rock man, not a house of shaitan.

00:38:16--> 00:38:18

And there's another declaration.

00:38:20--> 00:38:22

who leads the prayer?

00:38:25--> 00:38:27

You're thinking? What is the prayer?

00:38:29--> 00:38:30

Yes, of course the man.

00:38:32--> 00:38:36

Why does he need the prayer? You know, there's actually something behind it.

00:38:40--> 00:38:41

Because women don't leave.

00:38:44--> 00:38:44

Where is it?

00:38:46--> 00:38:47

headed family? Michelle, you're on the right track of

00:38:49--> 00:39:00

the karma. Okay, the time is up. Right? The sister will go down after the message of low equity. Just that will come up when he says me Allah will even hamidah Do you understand?

00:39:02--> 00:39:13

establishing this firm that in every castle has to be one king and one queen. You cannot have two kings and you can certainly have