Contemporary Issues Principles of Gender Relationships

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the hope but today, as I pointed out maybe two weeks ago will be a part of the series of contemporary issues that I'll be covering throughout the summer. And last week was just a fluke, it was just an exception as it just it just happened to

coincide coincidentally be my 10th year anniversary of being here. So I shared with you some thoughts. But the the for the rest of the summer, I'm going to be covering some contemporary issues. And they're always difficult to talk about. So I choose this summer, because

it's a time where people are a little bit more loose and open minded. And hopefully they can. They're open to listening to certain topics and approaches that may they may not be used to. And today I'm going to talk about principles of gender relationships or cross gender relationships. And this is an extremely important topic. And it's even more important when you're younger. It's more dangerous when you're older. But it's very important when you're younger, and I differentiate the two in terms of importance and danger between everyone needs. It doesn't matter what age you are, if you're 10 or 90, this is still relevant to you is a central part of what Allah subhanaw taala

explained to us in terms of our ethical code. So I'm going to approach this issue in sha Allah by breaking down the story of Musa alayhis salam when he left Egypt and went to Midian. And then I'm going to give you some categories, some problems and some suggested methods or solutions a summary.

In the story of most audiences, just take a moment and just take a look at it. Where most audiences I'm went from Egypt to Midian when I'm in Midian. So the Arabs call the place where we

We'll all get together at home, because people in the desert only gather up with this water, because that's the only way to survive. So most ITSM was going to the center center of the city, he was going to dominion. So he went, what are the road is when you go to the water, sewer is when you leave it. And these two words are used in the in these verses. So what he found was a group of people with their cattle or livestock, sheep or goat, whatever it is they had, and they were all around the body of water. And they were making sure that their animals were getting, we're getting, getting the water. But he also noticed were two ladies. And what you need to do done is though, is

when you prevent an animal from going to its water, when you're preventing one of your livestock from going to the body of water that's called, dude, it's specific. It's a word that's only used to describe what you would do to an animal not to a human being. So you're holding back livestock typically done. So he saw this. So he went to them. And he said, ma Hakuba Kuma, what's your story? So let's first of all stop there. He saw something. He didn't ignore the fact that the two ladies were there. He didn't just say it's none of my business. No, he went and he spoke to them. And he asked them a question not related to them. He is not there. Muharram he does not know them. He just

goes up and he strikes the conversation and asks him Why don't worry, this whole buzz will balance it out for you. So don't get I'm not taking this whole but in a weird direction. I just want you I want to show you what I just saying. So he goes up to them. He was not told to do he had not reviewed received why yet? And he said um, he says he won't then he's asked the multiple coma? The answer? I honestly, you'll deal underneath. We don't take our animals for water until the shepherds remove their animals. Now the majority of scholars believe that these two young ladies are the daughters of Satan ashore. Anybody said I'm in Midian. There are scholars who say that they're not.

And it's an issue of difference of opinion amongst what we do know is that their father was a man of piety, a man of knowledge, a man of closest to Allah subhanaw taala, whether he was right or not, doesn't really make a difference to this story. So they answered, they didn't ignore him. They may say, Well, you don't know. You say what speak Do you know, they answered the question. dynasty. We don't take it until we're gonna show you one period continue. And the reason that we're doing this is that our father is an elderly men.

First akala Houma. So obviously, the conversation went on a few more moments because they had to establish something. And he offered to take their animals and give them the water. And they accepted

you to all the parameters of the story. There's what happened in the story. And then he went to the motor will let you know, when he left, he did his thing he left he went and sat down. But yeah, to homage to him. She was one of them was sent by her father. So she came walking, I guess a lot of you will listen to this a or this word, and think that she's coming in. She's shy, and she's embarrassed. She's giggling No, it's ethical sensitivity. So she came professionally, she was respectful. She wasn't laughing. She was trying to make him laugh. She was not doing anything that was out of what would be considered to be respectful. And and with chastity. That's what this means.

And she told him, You're my father, it'd be a big mess up at Elena Gump, my father wants to speak to you about about what you did today. So he went and the rest is history.

You know,

the story shows us that the pendulum that Muslims have that speaks to swing to both extremes, where there are no way there's no way for a man and a woman to interact safely to the other extreme, but there are no parameters at all, and there's no limits. Both approaches are wrong. Because the iron sort of this, this nice little story and sort of fossils, shows you that there are a product has many other stories in the Quran. By the way, I'm just giving you one. There are many other examples in the Quran of men and women interacting, that aren't necessarily Jonnie Muhammad, and that this interaction, as long as that there is a certain degree of parameter, there are parameters that is

very much accepted. What I'm going to do for you first, and we tell you Islamically, what are the different categories for the relationships between men and women? What are they there are seven categories for relationship between men and women. And here are the seven counting number one, there's Muharram, not Kleenex. Muharram are the ones that is haram for you to marry. So these are your parents, these are your children. These are your siblings, your aunts and your your grandparents and your grandchildren, the people that you cannot marry. And this relationship is very open this relation, you can take anything go travel with them, you can be with them alone, because

there are no there's no fear of sexual promiscuity here. And if there is fear, by the way, then you actually have to change the category. They go from the home to something else, if there's fear, but for the majority of the human race, there isn't fear with these people. And these are at home. And this is a relationship that you have a lot of flexibility for the man and for the woman number two blood relatives and I'll hum as they are called. And these are the people who you technically could get married to. Technically some of them it's not it's very weird. It's your father's cousin, she's 65 and you're 20 you're not going to marry her but technically it's possible. So it's called Aloha.

Um, she's not I'm not gonna, He's not someone who was hard for you to marry. So there's a there are certain, there's a difference. Number three, a knowledge based relationship, a teacher or a student, meaning as a man, you're teaching a woman or you're learning from a woman, either or a knowledge based relationship. Number four, a professional relationship colleagues, people who work together or classmates, people who study together, there is something there is a common interest that brings us together that we are working on something, or we are studying something together.

Number five is social acquaintances. And these are all your neighbors. If you have a friend, and he has married his wife in a social acquaintance, you know the lady, you have a wife, he knows her their social acquaintances. Number six, relationships based on necessities, just necessities, as a physician patient relationship, or someone who's choking, and you need to go and save their life, something where there's, there's a real need, the person requires your intervention so that they don't get harmed. And that's basically what the story of Moses is that was, they were being it was a need, they needed help. So he offered his help out of his setup. And the seventh and final one is

your spouse

is your spouse. Now, I'm not going to break this down into too much detail. Because it's gone for too long. We basically understand that my heart is in easy relationship with the law, we cannot make this easy. My real issue with my mother and my aunts and my grandmother, and my daughter and my siblings, and the people believe they believe they can race very easy, it's very open. It's a relationship that's very meaningful. There's no sexual promiscuity there, there's no sexual expression at all. And then there's your spouse, where you're supposed to actually express yourself sexually is where you should be looking for this type of behavior, because that's what your spouse

is for. That's why you have spouses, and then everything in between where there is a very clear premise for the relationship. The most important thing you need to understand what the scope are today that there's no problem for there to be a relationship between a man and a woman. The problem is, is there a premise? Is there a definition of the relationship? Do we know what this relationship is based on? Or is it not? He says to partner with me, Nina? Yeah, look at him. Well, vobu Furuta home there Anika is this girl at home in the LA hobby room is not on record. I mean it Yeah. I mean, I'm sorry, hidden. Wait, hold on that photo. Johanna. What are you begin as you need to have a llama

haram in hand to the end of the I tell all the believers and if you tell them and you explain to them what is halal was haram, then they will listen to you. And they will shy away with their gaze, and they will maintain their chastity, both men and women because that is more pure for them. That's what the IHRC which is the point of this whole but that I'm sharing with you today. So when we look at the masjid like this, for example, where it's open, where it's open space, we don't have barriers. This is not the property itself who says Masjid actually function. It was an open space men sat up front lady sat behind it. But what they had that I find that we're struggling with with

is that they had a very, they had clear parameters of what the relationship would look like. And people understood to what degree they had to, it was a lot it was, it was lawful for them to engage in conversation or in relationship. And they knew how to respect one another in terms of their movement. And that is what we need to kind of bring back today within our community. Because as long as it's properly defined, is not problematic. So if you have a class, for example, knowledge based, I was taught by women scholars, and I teach girls, when we talk, it's very clear what we're talking about. The relationship is defined, it's a knowledge base relationship. So the conversation is going

to be within the parameter of that knowledge, either what I need to learn, or what I need to teach things. Same thing goes for colleagues, every one of you who works, who has a job works with women, in every lady who wants a job worked with men, but they're your colleagues. So the relationship is also limited by the nature of that work, whatever it is that you need to talk about that is going to help the work you focus. That's what you talk about, because that's the basis of their relationship. Social acquaintances, same thing, your neighbor when you speak to them, it's based on the fact that the mermaid neighbor, or their my friend's wife, so the conversation is specific, and it's limited,

and the parameters are clear in terms of what we're going to be talking about. Same thing goes when when a physician sees a patient, there's a very clear parameter for this relationship. Some things that will happen if someone's looking from afar, like how could he be doing this, because he's a physician, and she's a patient. So the or the opposite. So you can do things sometimes that seem weird, but because the parameters are set, because the expectations are clear, it's not a problem. And by the way, physicians who go beyond what is needed will lose their license will lose your license, and they'll be fired and they can go to jail. If you if you end up not understanding the

parameters outside of religion, even we just understand this, that the human race that we have to stay within the parameters of any defined relationship. And that is where I find the most the biggest struggle to exist, especially when I talk when there's younger old when their relationships are not well

All defined when the relationships aren't well defined five problems, I'm gonna start with the first one, the word, friend. This is an undefined word. There is no parameters for this word. I am not saying that. No friendships exist between minimum No, they do under the umbrella of these parameters they do for sure. I'm not saying that you're not ought to be friendly, and smiling and kind and rip. No, no, I'm not saying that. I'm saying when the relationship you have with someone else is not defined under one of these seven categories. And you're just telling me, they're our friend, that's a problem. What does that mean? What does that mean? Explain to me, what are the parameters of this

relationship, there aren't any the word friend is a very open Word, it allows for anything, it allows for anything. And that causes problems because both the expectations of both people are not clear. And this ends up putting us in a situation where we can compromise our own ethics or other people's ethics as well.

So we say the word friend, make sure that attached to it is a parameter. They're a friend or a colleague, their friend or classmate or friend to students or friend, a lot of I have a lot of friends, but they're defined, I know what this friendship is based upon. It's not just open, there's something to define it because once it's defined, then it's safe. We say we stay within the parameters of that definition, we stay within those parameters, and there's not a problem anymore.

It's blood relatives, my alarm

when we talk about the issues that are related to our family, into our well being of our family, and that we stick to that, and that keeps us safe, is the moment that we have no definition that things become a little bit too loose. Number two, the second problem,

the F word, flirting, no worry, flirting. This is a problem. When we don't know how to speak to people in the Quran is called fill out the hole. This is what the Quran uses to describe this. When we speak in a way we're not being clear. But what we want what we're hinting it, we're hitting it, we're trying to send an underlying message of something. And it's confusing. It's very exciting people like that. We don't like to be clear, it's fun to be ambiguous. It's a lot of fun, to keep things bubbling to keep things unclear. You never know what's gonna happen next is exciting. It's sometimes invigorating. For certain people, the concept of flirting is a problem. And flirting you

got real got by having those parameters. Those parameters put us in a very clear, this is what we're doing here. We're here to talk about in so flirting doesn't exist. This problem that both men and women fall under or fall into is something that we have to watch out for. It doesn't matter your age. It doesn't every problem I have seen has started from something like this every single problem, whether it's for younger people who are not married, or will, the will of people who are married. And this is where the danger comes at this is and we'll see but obviously, it's just a lack of professionalism. It's a lack of being professional. You allowing flirting into a relationship that

shouldn't have it?

Have you been flirt with your wife?

Get away flirt with her all day long. All day long flirt with her in the morning and the when you're after the solo Jomo has sent her a text flirt with her use all the emojis you like using no problem. That's why she's your spouse. You should flip through it with your husband. Isn't it weird? That the moment they get married, they stopped doing that? They stopped flirting, then he goes to send it somewhere else. And it's a word that is used communally socially in this country. It's accepted. Yeah, we all know we don't as Muslims, we don't. That's not something that's allowed. It doesn't mean you can't be friendly. Again, be very clear here. It doesn't mean cabbie friendly, or

respectful or kind or nice, no, no, no, doesn't mean that you walk around like this. No, you smile, but you watch out for certain words, and for certain ways of expression. And when you feel it that's coming from you or someone sending it that vibe towards you, you need to take to take a step back. Because now the parameters of this relationship isn't clear anymore. Either Muharram blood relatives, it's a knowledge base. It's professional based, it's a social acquaintance.

It's a necessity, or it's marriage. Outside of these seven, there is nothing.

You need one of those seven to define the relationship you have with the opposite gender. For the problem, the word friend, not saying goes out to him. I'm just saying that there's a problem with keeping it like that without a definition to it. The problem of flirting, which is a chronic issue, the Prophet alayhi salatu salam talked about and he taught, and he educated the Sahaba throughout his life about being careful for number three

forbidden sittings, forbidden settings. In Islam. Halwa is prohibited forbidden, a physical one, a physical one is forbidden, you shouldn't have a full halwa you shouldn't be in an enclosed apartment or behind closed doors. No one knowing that shouldn't be acceptable. For men and women. That's actually where most problems come from. A lot of people will fall in a lot of people who have fallen and made mistakes that they regret started with something like that with breaking a simple rule where you were in a situation behind it and no one knew about it and there was no regulation. And there was no shop even in medicine, where you enter a room with a patient

Should you take a chaperone with you, you bring a nurse into the room with you. Because it's safer for the patient that safer for you. Maybe this is what Allah subhanaw taala teaches he knows more than you and I. So when he told us to do something, we stick to it because that's what's going to be beneficial for us. So forbidden settings, I want to add another forbidden setting. For because this was a simple one, you're like, we know that I know, I want to add one to the younger generation to the younger generation, specifically.

When you text someone, it's very, it's a virtual Hello. It's not a physical one, but it's a virtual one. When you're texting back and forth, no one can see what's happening. No one knows what's going on in this chat room, the only house you and her no one knows what's going on. This is a problem. The majority of problems I've seen have come from that you get too comfortable. Because it's like you're in an ongoing salon. It's like the stairway you can take with you wherever you want to go. Because you are texting and she is texting back or he is texting back to you. And no one knows what's going on. And if you want you just delete the whole conversation, no one knows. That is that

is oh she upon loves that. Oh, he brings his troops in for that he has a hazard ad with that. That's easy. It's easy. No one sees and it's not and you have ways to explain to rationalize it for yourself saying it's not a problem. There's not really it is for younger is, especially if you're if you're not if you're not acquainted with these seven categories, especially if you're not you haven't been working in a system for a long time. I'm not saying that it's not acceptable to text know, when again, when it's professional, when it's within the boundaries of a defined relationship is fine. I have to text my colleagues all the time. It's impossible not to you need to, but I'm

talking about my younger brothers and sisters who treat this new technology quite loosely, and allow for it much more openly. This is a problem. Be very careful. What I advise people is text within groups.

You will see how different the language will be when there's a group. When there's a large group and you're texting someone within that group. You'll be professional. They'll be respectful. You will stick to the topic that you're talking about. When you're not no one's watching. So you can try something. You can put a picture, share a meme.

Something simple. Someone say just try something you start to try stuff out. No one's watching. That's a problem. Forbidden settings Be careful of forbidden settings. And the fourth problem is the sinful gays. The sinful gays. That's why we say that verse for you at the beginning. I don't believe I saw

when I had these discussions, especially with my younger with my brothers and sisters, my brothers specifically sisters, or it's easy, easier to have this discussion with the brothers. They all laugh. They think it's funny. I tell them you know it's important to hold them and I'm sorry. Come on, move on. Move on. Don't waste your time with this one. This one. This is a problem. This is a real problem. If you did not grow up learning that you should shy away with your gaze from staring out so it's not haram to look at someone that you're speaking to. That's not what I'm here saying. No you speak to a woman you look but then you shy away when you feel like you're staring that's what

that's actually a bit m&r shoulders to see in the middle bustle mental. I mean, it's not that you completely don't look is that you shy away when you feel that you're staring is the word that he used when you're staring at her face a bit too long, or you're staring at something else or you feel it stops you till you look away. And then it's not how long to look at someone actually it's disrespectful not to look at someone at all when you speak to them. That's not That's not proper for men or for women. But then help move us are is to look away or to shy away. When you do that this has been me, you're still hearing what's being said. It's an issue of respect.

You're driving the car so you you stopped to take a nice look.

You staring the whole way making sure Higgins hitting someone else to look at EMR, this type of behavior is not his a problem. And if you if you can't get rid of it, let's say hypothetically, hypothetically, let's say practically, you're not going to get rid of it. I'm gonna make sure you don't give it down to your children. Make sure you don't teach your son that that's okay. At least if you can be good for yourself. If you can't get rid of a bad habit for yourself. Well, at least act like you don't have in front of your children. Don't have your your young man or young son or young daughter grew up thinking that that staring like that is okay. It's not okay. He says only

know me and tell the believers if they're truly believers, and they will hold the woman upside him. This is job a club? It's short. It's a conditional. It's not it's not only an Amelia hobo tells the believers to shy away No, that's not what that is means the ISS tell all the believers, what is halal and what is haram. And if you do, and they are truly believers, then they will shy away. And if they're not believers, and they'll do whatever they want this this is actually much more dangerous than you can then you would imagine, is conditionally saying that if you're a believer, then you'll look and if you're not, then you'll continue to stare at that which is not helpful for

you.

And the final piece is final problem is the law that we're going to fill out has become, in my opinion, an Islamic term.

Like tequila and takuna. These are words haram and Islamic terms. The word of mouth wasn't an Islamic term, I believe over the last maybe centuries become an Islamic term. I'm okay with that. Because I think it's important that we use terms we know what they mean and we know what we're trying to say with them. If the author is talking about forbidden forbid

Didn't mixing. Now all interactions, as I explained are haram. But 30 is forbidden mixing. There are things that are not appropriate. There are certain types of behaviors, certain types of mixing between genders, that is not acceptable that we do not encourage and that's important to the Prophet Salatu was Salam. He the reason that his he did not have to massage wait for men and for women is that he didn't run away from problems or massage it a couple of we decided, okay, this is too much of a headache, just put the women upstairs or downstairs and just completely segregate them completely segregate them. Yeah, for a while it works. It works. But it doesn't fix the problem.

Because the ethics of the people have not been fixed yet. The ethics of people are meaningless, they're given the opportunity, they're gonna do something wrong. So I'm gonna say you shouldn't be open like this. And the women should be with the men and the men and with the woman. And then we learn. We learn how to be respectful how to behave with ethical chastity, ethical sensitivity, how to hire, which is the which is the representative ethic of Islam higher, not modesty is ethical sensitivity, knowing how to be respectful and professional with the person in front of you. Knowing that Allah is watching, you're not gonna make a mistake or do something that know what they catch

you up on. But Allah subhanaw taala sees. To me, this is my Yes, it's more of a headache. Oh my god, it's a headache. You'll have no idea. You have no idea how hard this is, but it's worth it. Because at least people start to learn how to behave around one another, respectfully, the way Islam teaches us, so that we can coexist peacefully. And that we can properly define our relationships and stay within those boundaries. And that's how hire actually happens is when we learn how to do that. And if we don't have ethics, then we will learn them. And if people don't have them, then they will educate them and people will make mistakes. We will teach them and forgive them. And that's how this

is done.

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hamdu Lillahi wa wa sallahu wa salam ala like I never learned about the Hawaiian early he was sabe humanitaire. But I know Jehovah. I'm going to share with you for summary points at the end of the soapbox. I know that we ran out of time, but I'll just make I'll make them quick. Number one, Islam is big on clarity and transparency.

As long as everything is clear, we are good. There's no problem Islam, as long as it's clear, it's was ambiguous and unclear that we have problems, meaning flirting is problematic, because it's unclear. Do you want do you think this lady is appropriate for marriage for you? Yes. Well then make that clear. say look, I'm looking for halal, and I would like to talk about it. See that makes the conversation acceptable? No. That makes that conversation so much more acceptable, especially for age. Please, if you're 15, don't be doing this, please, if you're 1516, don't do this, or I will, I will hunt you down. You don't do this at this age. But when you're under age 14 is not helpful.

Because it's not clear. You be clear. It's time is big, honest transparency. When we know exactly why we're talking what we're talking about. There's no danger anymore. shaytaan lives in the dark chiffon lives in that which is unclear and ambiguity he lives. That's where he flourishes, he waits for you to come there where it's ambiguous. That's why dating Islamically is not acceptable. Why? Because what is dating? What is it? No one knows what's gonna happen tonight. I don't know where you're going, we'll see what's gonna happen. I don't know what knows. It's very exciting. But it's ambiguous. There's no clarity here. What is happening here? What are you going to do? If it's clear

to clarify what's going to happen that everything is fine. And if you don't courtship, courtship used to be a part of every of every dean, you go see the lady, you speak to her. You spend some time with me in a public place. You listen to what she has to say about her life, what you're hoping to do, it's clear that eating is a word that's ambiguous. It's a problem Islam is because transparency and clarity number two, the reason that I have to talk about this is because Zina is the worst, arguably the worst capital punishment, capital sin. Most scholars see it to be worse than murder.

Most scholars Islamically see it to be worse than murder. do with that information, which you will, but that is why this is a big problem. This ruins societies, this infects communities, it takes away integrity, it takes away ethics. It's not a joke, there's a cop, there's a punishment attached to the sin. We have to stay away from it. They will say no, no. All right, I won't do that. I just look and talk and no, no. If you do that, then the fact that you don't perform actual Zina is just Allah bailing you out. Don't ask No, I can control this. And no, you can't. No, you can't what you're going to rewrite history. You're gonna rewrite our evolutionary biology, you're going to change

human science, your sexual psychology, you can't you have to stay within those parameters. And if you don't, then not actually because there's no it doesn't just happen through the through the genitals, it happens with the pain and it wasn't in the mouth. Everything can perform Zina, because all these all these

all these mistakes that come before it are just leading you down that path. And if you don't hit the end of the path, it's because Allah subhanaw taala saved you not because you have some gift, none of us do. We're all the same. We're all exactly the same. So be careful. Be careful what how this is this problem. I've seen it and it ruins it doesn't just ruin one person's life. It can ruin it can ruin families, it can ruin societies, it's a problem. It's a big issue. And when and when our younger generation fall into it at a young age.

It's very hard to fix afterwards. It's very hard to fix afterwards.

This is not something to be taken lightly. My third point

chastity is not just an appearance, it's a mentality and a behavior. Chastity is not just how you dress. It's also how you look and how you think and how you speak and how you say it's your behavior. That's what chastity is. Yes, appearance is a part of it for men and more for women where there's more responsibility there's more towards just there's no doubt though, the more difficult it is, the higher the ranks are. You're milking them. So just an appearance to it for sure. He job we've been wanting to Mattel and first

Wouldn't I mean what they have to have. But we also have to have the mentality the way of life. And the final piece is that as the loft, when there's a lot when there's make sure that you're respectful, make sure that you bring forward ethical sensitivity, and that you're mindful of the parameters of the people around you. It's not there's not a problem, this message is not an issue. Unless we don't respect one another, we walk out of the door, unless we put ourselves in situations where we're not respecting people's spaces. We're not allowing the sisters to leave you the provider you saw to them, gave a door and said people men wait, and the women leave first. So that they

wouldn't they would men would not be pushing women around and causing them difficulty, they had that sensitivity. And they did that and made it easier for people to move.

So when it comes to the laws, we just need a little bit, a little bit of ethical sensitivity, a little bit of respect, a little bit of appropriateness. For my younger brothers and sisters. I will be talking more about similar issues in the next Totem. Because it's not just enough for you, I think in your mind, to hear me tell you, Okay, you need to hold by Sadhak Oldman, basaltic and you need to be respectful and be professional and stay away from flirting and know exactly what the reality the premise of every relationship is. You're gonna say, Well, I, I want intimacy in my life. And I will tell you, Yes, you do, and you deserve it. And there's nothing shameful or embarrassing

about saying that. And that should be something discussed openly within families and within communities, because everyone has the right to find intimacy in their life. But we don't do that piece. So we just don't talk about any of this. We just keep this all hopefully nothing happened, no things will happen and problems will occur. So we're going to address these issues in sha Allah that was what I had to share with you in sha Allah for today hope there was a benefit forgive me for taking too long. While I'm waiting Allah Allah Now the Emelina Aleem in for file in Allah Allah Mela, you gotta who you saw Luna Elena de yeah you have Latina Allah He was selling with the slim

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