The Domestic Violence Tapes #03 – My Divorce, Parental Alienation, Trauma

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Yusha Evans

Channel: Yusha Evans

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Episode Transcript

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Hola, Salam or aleikum wa rahmatullah he or better care to welcome back to reflections. This is episode 24.

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And part three, the awaited part three of the domestic violence tapes.

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I hinted at this, during the first two tapes, that this is a tape that I was, you know, running through my mind deciding whether or not this is something that I wanted to do. And trust me, this is not something that I wanted to have to do,

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and would not have done it. And this is something I've, I've kept in my mind that I've ran this idea of doing this tape over and over and over and over again, in my mind.

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And the final decision was that the reason why I decided to do it is because I know it can be helpful. And I know that there are many, many other people in a similar situation, such as mine, and I've seen it far too often. And it's become more of a prevalent issue recently. And I want other people out there to know, that are in a situation like I'm in that you're not alone.

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And

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that there is there is help and hope in sha Allah, and also a stern warning to people, whomever they might be man or woman who put others in this situation, or put children in this situation.

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So as you can see from the title, this is talking about my divorce, and the ensuing 10 year nightmare that has continued into this very day.

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Again, a reason I said in I think it was the second episode of the or the second tape of the domestic violence series, I mentioned about doing this, but I always had reservations for two reasons. Number one, you know, I was not going to do something like this, if it was just me putting on my personal business. Like that's just not, that's not who I ever have been, nor who I ever planned to be. If you've if you've watched long enough, if you kept that with me long enough, I keep my personal life as personal as I can. And the only things that I have shared about my personal life are things which I think are beneficial, to help others to understand struggle to understand trauma,

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to understand difficulty, to understand abuse, to understand domestic violence to understand, you know, what alcoholism and drug addiction can do, like, there's a purpose behind what I share. And I've always tried to stay true to that even with this, but it's still terribly difficult because it lets all of you in a little farther into my you know, I have these walls built up to keep people you know, out of what I consider my personal space, my piece this is like my piece inside my little personal bubble. And I've created walls over the years to try to keep people as far out from that as I can because people ruin peace.

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And I've you know, slowly taken down some of those walls over this, you know, journey of reflections and journey of the coaching that I'm now doing etc. I've let these walls down little by little so that people can understand that I understand where they've been and what they're going through and where they're trying to get. And

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this this this tape is like the inner the inner that you've gotten past the moat, the drawbridge, everything this is very close to home. So this is another reason it made me extremely uncomfortable. As well as it's an ongoing situation. It's something that I'm still currently dealing with everything else that I've spoken about has been something that I dealt with in the past and you know, and

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have worked to overcome or work to be you know, better at or have work to heal from and try to help others heal from and this one is ongoing. This is one that I still have, I haven't overcome it, I haven't healed it because it's still happening. And I've always held hope I guess out in the in the 10 years on that this would come to some, you know,

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adult resolution this would come to some positive resolution. And the way that I put this tape out there eventually would be quite different but it's it's just it's unfortunately not it is what it is. And also

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you know, I just I feel really uncomfortable because of the simple fact that it involves my children and involves a part of my life that you know i i I'm not very happy with how it's going

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And, you know, it involves my children. So it's important, but I also want this to be there. So that my children can also understand that they look at this later on, and understand, you know, what I've gone through to be a part of their lives, you know, and always like, that's, that's a number one for me is to be there for my children like that is, you know, that is that is my job. That is part of what Allah subhanho wa Taala has given me as responsibility when giving these children to me as an Amana, they don't belong to me. And I've said this many times our children are trust. And that trust must be dealt with accordingly. And we will be questioned about how we dealt with that trust. So

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these are the reasons why it was very difficult for me to make this tape and it's also why there hasn't been a tape since the Christmas episode, because I wanted to do this tape next, like I needed, I needed to wrap my head around this and get this out there because I knew that this would be beneficial for other people, this part of my story, this part of my life, would be beneficial to my story, are beneficial to you know, where I'm trying to lead other people into healing and help and know that I understand where you come from, and to try to be relatable.

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This is all part of that. And this is the last this is literally like the last piece of of trauma that's hiding in that closet. You know, I keep talking about that closet where we stuff all of our, our trauma, we stuff all of our, our stresses, you know, all the stuff we don't want to deal with, we stuffed it in that closet, and that closet becomes over full and it spills out on us this is like this is it once. This is mean completely cleaning out my closet. So this was like a big checkmark in the whole scheme of things. And now, that's it after this, my closet will be done. But I also understand that there's going to be some ramifications behind this not everybody is going to agree

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with my positions. And that's fine. I really don't care if you agree or you don't agree this is this, this podcast is mine, this content is mine.

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This is me living my truth. This is me speaking my truth. This is me opining upon the way I see things in this situation. So if you disagree, that's fine. And I know there's going to be some ramifications from from the other side from my ex on this isn't I'm sure not gonna like this. And I've tried so many times, so many times over the years, Allah knows is my witness. And, you know, my, my, my missus knows is my witness, my kids know, as a witness that I've tried

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countless amount of times to bring this to a more amicable and positive resolution. It just has not gotten there in 10 years, it just has not gotten there. So here we are,

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let's, let's let's, let's dig in those, those just got to get at it. So

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I got divorced, about 10 years ago. And I'm not going to, you know, drag anyone through the mud with with, you know, our personal lives angry and disagreements. And that's not it's not the point of this. The point of this is not to drag anybody through it. The point is to state

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the facts from my side. And again, there's always two sides of the story. But this is and, and I do what they say, you know, kept the receipts like, you know, everything I'm saying, backing it up like this is just what's happened. But on 10 years ago, 10 years ago, I got divorced. What happened is nobody's business but a red line was crossed, a red wire line was crossed. And if you watched my tapes, you know what I mean, a red line was crossed. And once that line is crossed that that that's it for me. There's there's no going back from that. So

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I divorced. I divorced my ex. And that began

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10 year long nightmare of hell that I've lived since then, to try to be a part of my son's life, to try to be an active part of my son's life and raise my son the way that I want him to be raised in the way that I didn't get the chance to be raised just like my other two children, I I want to be an active part of his life and I fought for 10 years for that. I ended up in a very messy

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legal divorce proceedings where I ended up having to hire a lawyer and and and spin over $25,000 of money that I didn't have to only end up with the bare minimum I get to see my son four days a month

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and maybe you know a week or max two in the summertime and and even that's a fight like everything is a struggle, everything every single bit of it is a struggle like I see my son four days a month I'm trying to raise

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I'm trying to raise my son four days out of the month, which equals up to very minimal amount of time during the year.

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But I'm still going to do what that's what the court allowed me that that after even after a law year and $25,000 thrown into the mix, I still ended up with the bare minimum four days a month.

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i There's no love lost between me and the family court system.

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The family court system is definitely, definitely biased against men and against fathers, especially the ones who are trying. And let me say something before we get into this, there's there might not be a good flow to this this one because this one's very raw for me. And it's just going to be what it is.

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Let me let me say, because I already know I'm going to see these comments. I already know people are going to put these comments down there.

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Let me talk about first of all, I am talking about fathers who want to be an active part of their son's life. Good decent fathers. There's no perfect father out there, just like there's no perfect mother out there. But good decent fathers who are trying to be a part of their son's life.

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They have no no help in the family court system. And they always are starting off at a point of disadvantage. It is. It is not not for fathers, it is not, you know, it is targeted against good fathers. And that's just part of the way this corrupt system of family courts is set up. It is corrupt. Nobody wins in family court, except the judges and the lawyers. That's it. That's the only people who win in this. The children ultimately lose. Two children ultimately lose. I'm not talking about deadbeat father's deadbeat fathers are deadbeats and they're going to have to answer to Allah subhanho wa Taala on the Day of Judgment, for neglecting their their duty and not fulfilling the

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amount that Allah gave them and taking care of their children. And I find those types of fathers to be absolutely

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abhorrent individuals, you help bring these children to this world, you take care of those children that ALLAH SubhanA wa Taala blessed you with. So this is my message to deadbeat father's?

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Either act right? Or get prepared to deal with the One who created you in the Day of Judgment. I'm not talking about deadbeat father's in this though. So don't start in the comments. So what about this? We're not talking about deadbeat father's we're not talking about absent fathers. I'm not talking about abusive fathers. I'm not talking about oh, sometimes they have to protect the children from abuse. That is a small portion of cases. And I have looked at this, I've spent years looking at the stats on this and had been involved in, you know, with other fathers rights movements and looking at the facts and statistics and court cases state by state, etc. It's such a small minority

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of cases, wherein the father is a deadbeat, or the father is you know, needs to be protected from his children like that. As a small boy, we're talking I'm talking about the fathers who actively want to be a participant in their children's lives. But the mothers use the family court system as it is designed in the West as a weapon to take the children from him in revenge, in revenge for the divorce, as well as a means to secure another paycheck into their home. It's money in revenge. That's that's what it all boils down to. And I know that this happens to women as well. There are times where fathers do the exact same thing. But that is such a small minority. And if you do not

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believe me,

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I'm not going to spoon feed you go look at the stats yourself and then come back.

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The fathers who want to be a part of their child's life started the disadvantage in family court system. And I I've I've known this for a long time. And I've witnessed it firsthand, 10 years of it. And it's a travesty, because the family court system is designed to create fatherless homes so that they can continue to prop themselves up and get paid. The lawyers get paid. The judges get paid. When child support is taken when child support is taken in by the state. Every state gets federal kickbacks, they get federal kickbacks based on how much child support they collect. At the end of every year, they get federal subsidies and kickbacks and money. So, it is all about money and power.

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And that is very favorable towards women. The mother gets the automatic right of assumption of custody, right assumption of child support and the father has to fight tooth and nail to prove that he is a worthy father in in most situations, his worthiness amounts to four days a month. His worthiness amounts to every other weekend. I am a father. I am not a visitor in my son's life.

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I am not a four day a month father. I have fought tooth and nail to make sure to be in my children's lives, fought tooth and nail. And I was divorced before yes, this was my second divorce. I was married on very early as a new Muslim. Didn't know a lot about the deen and I got married and

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it didn't work out. And I'm not even going to discuss that because of simplify the fact that it is it has always been amicable. It has always been amicable between me and my eldest son's mother. He lives with me full time. He's with me all the time. He lives me full time he chose

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when he got a little bit older he chose

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that he wanted to live with me. And he lives with me. And I'm grateful for that, you know, I'm grateful to have my eldest son and my daughter here full time. And I'm also doing this, because I want everyone out there to see how this affects more than just the two parties involved. You know, my two children who live with me full time, they miss their brother, they only get to see him four days a month.

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They're very close to him, like, you know, he's close to them. They, they, they play all the time and chat on FaceTime and play games together. Like, they miss him, and they miss him when he's here. And they, I mean, they miss him, when he's gone in it, he's gone for a tremendously longer time than he's ever here. I'm not a four day a month, father, and I'm not going to be, you know, I'm not a perfect Father, I have made tremendous amounts of mistakes. But one thing for sure, is that I am always going to fight to be a part of my children's lives, I'm always going to fight for my children to have a better upbringing than I had. And I've always talked about it before, I may spoil my

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children a little bit too much. But I for sure know that they will not have to grow up later on and say that they didn't have this, they didn't have things they didn't have love. They didn't have a father who told them constantly that they were loved and valued, and they never needed for anything, regardless of how hard I had to work and how, you know, how much I had to kill myself to make all these ends meet.

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That is one thing that that that I stand on and and I think anybody that's close enough to me in my life knows. And if you've watched long enough, you know how much I speak to my children and how close they are to me and like they are they are, they are me they're part of me. They they they remind me of the little me and that I don't want them to ever have to have those struggles. So

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after $25,000 Fighting in family court,

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I guess you could say I lost I mean, there's no there's no winner in this but I lost and I only get my son four days a month. And I pay nearly 1002 Oh sometimes over when before at over $1,000 a month in child support. And that's not easy to keep up with it's not easy. I'm the receipts are right here, along with the divorce papers showing that I only get four days a month. I'm supposed to have every other EAD, I have to fight every single EAD to try to get him supposed to have two weeks in the summer, I have to fight to get that I've put in nearly $80,000 in child support in the past, you know, few years over the past, I think seven years over $80,000 If you add the all the other, and

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that's just what I have to pay the child support. You had the lawyers fees and all the other stuff that I do for my for my for my son? Well, well, well, well over 100 1000s of dollars. Well over 100,000. And I just you know, I mean, I don't think children are a paycheck. I don't think children are money. I'm raising two other children, I know what it costs to raise a child and I know that that is important. Yes. And no, that is important. But that is something that also should be between the mother and father is that if you want if you want to be a co parent, then you co parent co parenting that is the most

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if two people get divorced, and and it is fine for two people get divorced, divorce is permissible. And I've even said it many times that sometimes the best outcome for two people is to be separated and be divorced. That's why it's permissible. Sometimes two people are just not compatible. Sometimes two people are toxic for each other. Sometimes lines get crossed, that a person cannot deal with like for me, the red line was crossed that triggered some really bad things in my past I could not go on. So sometimes that is the course. But if there are children involved, after the divorce is done, the emotions need to get set aside. If you are hurt, you're hurt, I was hurt. I'm

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sure she was hurt. We both hurt. But that has to be set aside as adults. And the focus should be on what is best for the children. And the best thing, according to every statistic that's ever been done by anybody with worth their grain in salt. The best scenario for any child in this world is to have two parents equally involved in that child's life and upbringing. A mother who is involved and a father who is involved equally, this is what co parenting means. CO means equal. And most of the time, unfortunately, fathers get relegated when when it ends up in the the family court system. Fathers get regulated to being a visitor. Fathers get regulated to being a side item in their

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child's life. And I will not be that. That's why I have continued to fight for 10 years. To be a part of my son's life. I have continued to to to fight with his mother to let's get this thing out of the family court system because they don't care. Half the time they'll take money. They'll take my tax returns or whatever and they keep it they don't. They don't even give it to her like I'm paying to prop up a corrupt system and I'm being forced to do so.

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I don't have no choice. I'm sick and tired of getting these letters every single month, I get these letters every single month, from Anoka County Child Support, telling me you know that if you don't do this, then we're gonna do this, you know, during the pandemic, yes. You know, I fell behind some during the pandemic, because life is all you know, life took a turn upside down

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all the bills that I have to take care of have to have the children, and then over $1,000 a month on top of it, and when you're behind, they add on interest, they charge you river. So I'm forced to pay the river now, to this court system to prop it up, that does not go to my son.

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They threatened they've taken my my passport, I can't renew my passport, when my passport expires. later on this year, I can't renew it, they've held it, I can't renew it. So I won't be able to travel and be able to leave the country. The next thing they can do, they can take my driver's license, they send me these letters threatening me with imprisonment, within prison imprisonment. That's what you get in the family court system for trying to be for trying to be an active father.

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If you can't bring in that paycheck to help support and prop up that system, we'll just throw you in jail.

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And on top of the everything else that I've been through, for 10 years, now, I have had hanging over my head the threat of going back to prison, going back to jail. The one thing that if you've watched my prison tapes, you will know is like a super form of trauma for me. So I've had now my son's mother hold that over my head, knowing that I am going to do whatever it is I will even make, I will even there's even times where I've had to make my family go without certain things that we need in order to make sure that this was taken care of because I don't want to go back to jail.

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I have a phobia I nearly died behind those prison walls before and I'm not trying to do it again. And she knows this and holds it over my head. This is abuse. This is why this is part of the domestic. This is part of the domestic violence episode is this is this is abuse. To have me under this system that under the thumb of this corrupt system that is always threatening me ruining my my credit making it hard for me to rent making it hard for me to get things making it hard for me to rent a house making it hard for me to you know, to purchase and buy things and when people pull up my credit report, the first thing it shows is a no county child support. So it makes me look like a

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deadbeat. And there's one thing that you as many things that I might be. And I've always told you guys, I'm just I'm not a perfect person by far. And I'm not even really a good person. I'm just a struggling trying humble Muslim, and human being trying to make it every single day. But the one thing I will tell you for sure I'm not I am not I am no damn deadbeat. I am not a deadbeat father, my children are my world. They mean everything to me, and I will continue to fight for them. I will continue to fight for them. You know, I've been drugged in court for allegations of, of threats of restraining order within the first. Within the first month of being divorce. I had a restraining

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order put on me I had to defend myself in court. I have the transcript script right here to prove that everything that was put in that, in that, in that in that affidavit for my restraining order was a fabricated lie, and I actually was the one being harassed and being targeted. I mean, you know, I have been through it. And this is not the way to deal with these matters, brothers and sisters, especially sisters. This is not the way to deal with these matters.

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This is not the way to deal with these matters with someone who actively wants to be a participant in their child's life.

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Your children are not pawns in some sick, twisted game, because what does this boil down to in family court most of the time, most of the time, what it boils down to is what I'd said earlier, two things. Number one revenge. Number one revenge, the person wants revenge, the woman wants revenge. And in smaller cases, the man wants revenge because they feel like they've been done wrong. And then they may have been done wrong. So they want revenge, as well as money, it's guaranteed money because the child support system is going to help that man down. They're gonna take everything from him and lock him up if he doesn't do so. So it's these two things. Your children are not pawns in your game

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of revenge. Your children are not paychecks. They are trusts from Allah subhanho wa Taala to you. You should deal with them that way. This is not the way to go about this. And there are too many brothers out there and I'm talking about within the Muslim community outside of the Muslim community, this has been a problem. But within the size of the Muslim community, I've seen that it has become more and more of a prevalent issue more and more of a prevalent problem. I've even seen I think it was Islam 21 See, did a did a did a post on it on their Instagram. If you scroll you can find it talking about this very scenario of not using the Western family court system to deprive the

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other parent of the right to be a parent. That's what it boils down to. I have had my right to parent my son taken away from me

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and I've been fighting to get it back ever

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Since, but I'm not allowed to be a parent. That's the thing that that drives me, I think the most crazy, that's the thing that I've had to struggle with the most is that I have been denied the right to be a parent, by the family court system

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by another Muslim by another Muslim. And you know, I am grateful. One thing I am grateful for is that no matter what, even if I were to die tomorrow, I am, I am truly grateful that my son is being raised in a Muslim household. He will be raised to know who Allah subhanho wa Taala is he will be raised to know the Quran, he will be raised to pray five times a day. I'm superduper grateful for that, what Hamdulillah I cannot say anything in that regard. He's been raised to be a Muslim, I'm good, that that gives me peace.

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But I also want to raise him to be a man, I want to raise him as my son, I want to teach him things, I want to show him things I want to be able to exemplify certain things to him, I have the right to be a father, I have the right and I don't need to. And I should not have to fight with a family court system that is rigged against me to prove that I have the right to be a father, my default right given to me not by you, not by the family court system, not by anyone else, the default right given to me by Allah subhanahu wa Ana is that I have the right to be a father.

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And unless I am a threat to my child, that right is inalienable and should not be taken from me.

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And for one thing is sure, I'm not a threat to my children. You know, I my other two ones, I I'm not putting them in this and putting them pardon this, I bring them both here to you. They anybody who knows me knows that they are the apples of my eye my children, my boys, my daughter, my daughter's my princess, my boys are, you know, like they're my lineage, they're gonna continue on the Evans clan name and shout, Allahu to Anna.

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I love my children. And I will continue to fight. If it's another 10 years, I will continue to fight. But I also want my son to understand that I have always tried to be there for you. I've always tried to be a part of your life. I have constantly constantly asked for more time, let's if you want to co parent, let's be equal. Let's be equal. However, that turns out let's be equal one week, one week, two week, two week, three weeks to alternating like, let's be co parents in this. Let's do this together like grown adults, like Muslims. Let's do this together. Yes, there are things that went wrong. Every marriage has its problems. There are mistakes that I made. There are

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mistakes that you made, like yes, that's it. That is between you and I there in no way should that ever affect your children, the problems you have with your spouse. The problems you have with your ex, or a problem between you and your ex keep it that way. Do not inflict it on the children. It is child abuse. To use children as a pawn in a game of revenge. Let me say it loud and clear. If you use your children as a pawn in a sick and twisted game of revenge, or as just merely a paycheck, then that is child abuse. That is child abuse. And you will not change my mind about it. Why? Because I was a child of this situation. I was a child of divorce, watching my mom after she came

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back into my life fight through the family court system to try to get me back. And these are the one of the scenarios where she had made many mistakes. So she was at a disadvantage. But I know what that fight looks like when she saw me being tortured by my stepmother. She went to the family court system and tried to fight to get me back and it didn't work. And I know that seeing my mother only every other week only every other weekend deprived me of that relationship with my mother deprived me of what could have been a better relationship with my mother. So I know what it's like as a child who went through it. And now I am watching my own son go through it. And I know what it does to him.

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I see what it does to him. I know he doesn't like it. I know he tells me I want more time with you. I don't understand how I can have more time with you. But you also cannot bring this up to her because she gets very angry that you're taking sides. No, he loves both of us equally. Stop making your children choose. That is another form of abuse. To make a small child choose and show favoritism to one parent over the other because you want to win. Stop this. Stop creating generational trauma in your children because that's what you're doing. That's what you're doing. I've seen it happen. I'm a product of it, and I'm watching it happen with my own son.

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This is not the way we go about doing things. This is not the way we should behave as forget about Muslims. But as human beings as parents, we have responsibilities. We have to be able to put everything else to the side and focus on the children focus on the children because it will create generational trauma within them.

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Sisters if you're divorced

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First, and you have children. And that father is mean we reiterate this again, that father is not abusive, and I'm talking about really abusive, like he's not harming the children. He's not beating them. He's not molesting them, like,

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stop using that as a silver bullet two, that's what it's called in family court, by the way, the silver bullet, the abuse, the abuse, the abuse, light, unless that's really happening, or, and, you know, unless he's unfit, he's a drug addict. He's out strung out on the streets. If he is a trying, Father who is trying to be a part of his child's life, you need to let him you need to let him or god forbid there is going to be some hell and wrath for you to pay on the day when you stand in front of Allah Subhana.

00:30:47--> 00:31:30

Brothers, if you're divorced, and you've been given full custody, and your children's or child's mother wants to be a part of their life, and she is a capable mother, and she loves them. Let that woman be a part of that child's life and Mother him or her and Mother them or you will have held to pay on the day you stand in front of the One who created you, because you are abusing those children they are they don't belong to you. Our children do not belong to us. I don't know how many times I can reiterate this. They are a trust. They are an Amana. They belong to Allah subhanahu wata Anna, he's given them to us as a blessing. He's given them to us as a joy for us as a comfort for us as a

00:31:30--> 00:31:36

cornice of our eyes. But they are also a trust that we will be questioned about on the day we stand before him.

00:31:37--> 00:31:51

Stop lining the pockets of lawyers in your attempts for revenge, stop lining the pockets of judges and attempts for your revenge, and stop using the family court system to take money

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that does not belong to you. Because Islamically we have certain rights after divorce. And and those rights are well known. And I can stand in front of Allah subhanho wa Taala as a witness that yes, I divorced my wife. But I took care of what I was supposed to take care of long after the period of the I continue to pay rent and things of this nature because I understand that this is my son's mother.

00:32:17--> 00:33:00

And I've always told him that that your mom, respect your mother. Love your mother, honor your mother. Never, Never would I ever in a million years tell him anything other than the fact that that is your mom until the day one of you dies. And you love and honor and respect her. But I'm also your father. And I deserve as equal and capable rights to be a part of your life and to love You and to raise you and to grow you up. Because for sure, boys, boys indeed we're finding this out now through studies, that if you look at crime, you look at drugs, you look at murders, you look at suicides, the majority of them are coming from fatherless homes, homes where there's no father figure. I don't

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want my son to end up like that. That's why I've struggled that's another that's another reason why I live where I live. It's not as if I don't get to see my son only four days a month because he's on the other side of the country. No, I live where he lives. Purposely 20 minutes down the road from me, my son lives. Why there's plenty of places I'd rather be. It's cold in Minnesota. Man, I am a southern boy from South Carolina this cold outside, it's it is like negative 23 degrees Celsius outside today. Your boy is not built for this, but I am here because my son is here. And I'm going to stay a part of his life. Even if I have to fight too in tooth and nail to the day he's grown. I'm

00:33:37--> 00:33:51

going to be a part of his life in sha Allah Huhtala stop doing this to your children stop using your children like this. It is child abuse. And what I've gone through over the past 10 years of being drugged in and out of family court.

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It has been abuse that just it's just plain and clear. It's been abused and I'm tired. I'm just I've I've grown very weary. There's a came to a point where I just I stopped fighting in the family courts because just there's very little when there there's no when they're the only way I can even possibly have a shot at winning is I have to go into that courtroom and bash my son's mother and say she's unfit and say that she's a bad mom. And I will never do that. I'm not going to do that. I will not do that. Because she is a capable mother. She takes care of him. She makes sure he goes to Quran class, she makes sure he prays like, I'm not going to do that. But you taking me out of the picture

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out of my son's life.

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It's unforgivable. Why? Why is it unforgiveable to me, and why should it be unforgiveable to every father who's been put in this situation? Or every mother who's been put in this situation? Because what you robbed me of you can't give me back.

00:34:47--> 00:35:00

You could you could give me back money. You know, I mean, all this money that I've spent and taking this rebar that you've caused me to have to pay. You could give me that back. You know, you could give me back, you know, some of my dignity because that's another thing too.

00:35:00--> 00:35:12

When taken dummies, my dignity on paper I like a deadbeat dad. But the thing that you took from me that you can never give back to me is my time with my son, you can't take that back. I've lost nearly 10 years of his life

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I've lost nearly 10 years

00:35:24--> 00:35:25

of my son's life.

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And I can't have that back.

00:35:29--> 00:35:30

Nobody can give me that back.

00:35:32--> 00:35:36

Nobody can give me back those 10 years. And I don't know how many more I'm going to lose seeing him four days a month

00:35:38--> 00:35:43

in time is the most precious commodity brothers and sisters time is something one spent, it's gone.

00:35:44--> 00:35:55

And if you rob a parent of their time with their child, you can't return it. It's gone. You will answer to it. I can't forgive that one. Because it's gone. And I've missed so much.

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I've missed so much of his life.

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overweight, overweight.

00:36:08--> 00:36:27

If I truly am an unfit father, prove it, show it. I'll accept it and try to mold. But these court papers we tried once proves that that's not who I am. I'm a father. And I deserve the right to be that. And if you're a mother out there, who's had your children taken away from you in the family court system, you are a mother and you deserve the right to be a mother.

00:36:30--> 00:36:32

Stop using your children as these pawns.

00:36:34--> 00:36:44

stop abusing your children like this and creating generational trauma where they're going to need to end up in therapy sessions to fix the mess that you made. Why? Because you were angry. You were jealous. Why? Because you're bitter.

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I'm sorry, I've run away a little bit. But this this, this is very, this is the reason why it was so hard for me to do this podcast. And it took me so long. Because it hits so close to home. It hits so deep inside of me, my children, not my life after Allah subhanho wa Taala and His messenger. My family is everything. That's what I have. I have no family. I was not raised with a family. My grandparents were the closest thing to a normal family I've ever had. And I saw them

00:37:19--> 00:37:20

sporadically.

00:37:22--> 00:37:47

My mother's gone my grandfather's gone, my grandmother is going like my father is still alive. But you know, he's very sick and I'm having to take care of him. I don't have a family except the one that Allah's and with Allah has given me from my own loins, and I want to be a father. Just because the marriage didn't work out doesn't mean I get to lose the right to be a father, just because I couldn't take what it what that red line was when it was crossed, does not mean I lose my right to be a father.

00:37:49--> 00:37:58

Or you lose your right to be a mother. Just because you leave a marriage, you might divorce your spouse, but you cannot divorce your children.

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Your children are your children to the day you die.

00:38:05--> 00:38:10

Stop equating the two that because you walked out on me.

00:38:12--> 00:38:16

You walk out on your children, I didn't walk out on my children, I walked out on you.

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And that's my right to choose whether or not to be married or not married or stay married or not made that I have that right. But my children are mine by Allah subhanho wa taala. And you can take them from me.

00:38:33--> 00:39:12

You've been successful so far. And I know there are brothers out there. I know. I know. I hope if you know someone who's in a situation like this, send it to them. Brother, I understand you, sister, I understand you. I know what you're going through. I know the darkness. Do you know how many men have committed suicide every single year I could have put up and I would have but it would have put so many they would have, they literally would have probably flagged and taken this video down. So many instances, especially in the past few years of men who have gotten fed up of fighting for their children. They've gotten tired. They've been at it for too long. They've lost everything. They don't

00:39:12--> 00:39:21

even have enough money to put in their own mouth or to put a roof over their head because they're having to prop up this corrupt system. And they've taken their own lives because of it.

00:39:23--> 00:39:32

There's going to be some questions to be answered. I know I've made my mistakes. I have. I have I've made my mistakes in my marriages.

00:39:33--> 00:39:36

And maybe we made mistakes and in the way I got divorced.

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But that doesn't take away my right as a father.

00:39:41--> 00:39:59

I have the right to raise my children. And I'm gonna keep fighting for that right. Son. I know you watch my videos, son, I will keep fighting and I'm terribly sorry. terribly, terribly sorry. This had to be come a public matter and had this talk with him beforehand, terribly.

00:40:00--> 00:40:20

That's this had to become a public matter but you know how long I've fought. You know how long I've been fighting them. I am getting tired. I'm getting tired I want to be a part of your life. And I'm not putting this out there again just from my own personal to put my personal business out there I hate putting my personal business in the streets unless I feel like you can help others.

00:40:23--> 00:41:06

And from this point on now that I've emptied this closet, I am going to talk about father's rights. Because we get we get put to the side. We get segregated we get mistreated, we get what is the word I'm looking for? What is the word I'm looking for? We get discriminated against fathers who are trying trying fathers get discriminated against. Don't lump us in with all those deadbeat dads. Those deadbeat dads are out there. You're a bunch of deadbeat losers. And I have no love for you deadbeat moms bunch of deadbeat moms out there you loses I have no, I have no, there's no love lost between us, but us striving, trying fathers and mothers, I'm here for you and I am going to fight

00:41:06--> 00:41:29

for father's rights. I am going to become more of an advocate for father's rights along with my mental health advocation along with my advocation of you know, trying to spread the deen in any way that I can see in a holistic manner in my advocation for free safe spaces for people to talk about their trauma in their past and issues. Now that this is out there, your boy is also going to advocate for father's rights.

00:41:31--> 00:41:34

And I'm going to call it out where I call it out where I see it.

00:41:35--> 00:41:53

sisters do better. Do better than this. Your children are not pawns and your sick twisted games. Fathers if you're doing this shame on you do better. Sisters, if you do this shame on you do better. Because let me tell you something as we wrap this up.

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And this is also something that the judge the judge when when I had to go from my court for my my restraining order when I was accused of some of the most I would read the transcript but it's it's bad. I was accused of some of the most wretched things and it's proven to be

00:42:09--> 00:42:29

nothing but lies in court. The judge said something which is very true and resonates with me that children are going to get old enough. Like you can manipulate a lot of things with children when they're young. But if your children are allowed by ALLAH SubhanA wa Taala to live a full life, your children or become old are going to become old enough to figure out who the problem is.

00:42:31--> 00:42:40

They will become old enough to figure out who the problem really is, and why they don't have the other parent in their life.

00:42:41--> 00:43:04

Just because you get divorced does not give you the right to remove a willing able and trying parent from their life and deprive them of that, because that's hurting them. You're hurting your own children in your attempt for revenge. Have you no sense no shame at all whatsoever. You're willing to harm your own children in your attempt to revenge at your ex.

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It's disgusting.

00:43:08--> 00:43:37

And we need to put an end to it. We need to put a stop to it need to shine a light on it. That is the whole point of reflections for me. And if you've fought a long long enough, you'll see the whole point that reflections to me is shine light in areas that have been dark for too long. shine lights in areas that yes I have my own personal issues. You want to try to shine that light over here. That's fine. I'm going to I'm going to go ahead and tell you right now. Your boy is not perfect. Your brother is not perfect. You should it's far from perfect. You she's working on himself struggling every single day. I'm here I'm the broke Muslim. I'm the sad Muslim. I'm the struggling

00:43:37--> 00:44:19

Muslim. I'm the trying everyday Muslim, I'm trying to be better Muslim. I'm falling down and getting up Muslim like I am average just like every single one of you out there. Not perfect. But I am a willing capable trying striving fighting father to be there for my children. I will continue to do so. So brothers. If you're going through this, get in touch with me. I want your stories. I'm compiling something else around this, that around this topic. Brothers if you're going through this, reach out to me, reach out to me you should Evans [email protected] I'll put the link in I'll put the email in the description reach out to me. I want your story. I want to talk to you if you need if

00:44:19--> 00:44:56

you feel like you need help and you need someone to talk to about it. Reach out to me on the link of the coaching session below you Chevron's coaching comm sisters, if you're going through this, and you have your stories reach out to me if your ex has put you through this, this despicable family court system that's designed only to remove good parents from their children's lives so they can feel on line their pockets. Reach out to me I want to talk to you and compiling something. We're going to put a light on this. And maybe in shot Allahu Taala we can start making some moves in our community to make sure that children are not growing up without a parent simply because of revenge,

00:44:56--> 00:44:59

and simply because that child is known or looked at as a human being

00:45:00--> 00:45:15

was created by Allah subhanho wa Taala and given to them as a trust, but looked at, as is a way to line their own pockets. I will always take care of my children, but it should be between me and my ex wife. We together

00:45:16--> 00:45:35

were given this child and we made this child together by the Grace of Allah subhanho wa taala. It's how we should take care of him. Not the family courses and the family court system don't give a damn about children. The family court system does not give a damn about children. They care about lining their pockets, they care about lining their fleecing their their numbers.

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And they care about the power that ensues when they remove fit parents from a child's life is a tragedy and a travesty.

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And it affects my children, they miss their brother, they miss their brother. That's it, they miss their brother.

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And I miss my son.

00:45:58--> 00:46:10

The last thing I'm gonna ask you guys is make dua for me that I get to see my son more. That's all I want. That's it. That's why I've held on to this for so long. I wanted this to come to a resolute in so I could have talked about this without even putting my personal life.

00:46:11--> 00:46:22

I wanted this to just be resolute equal, we co parent, we take care of the boy equally, he's both our child, he's both our son, let's equally take care of him. Let's let's work together like two grown people.

00:46:24--> 00:46:26

But it hasn't happened and I miss my son, I miss him.

00:46:28--> 00:46:35

I love him to death, all of my children. Stop playing these games with your kids, because you're going to regret it.

00:46:36--> 00:46:43

Fathers matter. We matter. We do matter. Mothers matter, they do matter.

00:46:44--> 00:47:20

But when I look at the statistics, fathers are the ones that are getting the shortest end of the stick in every single scenario. In every single state that I've looked at every single country that I've looked at that has a similar family court system, fathers are under attack when it comes to being part of the children's life. And as part of the overall scheme to destroy the family unit. Just because two people get divorce does not mean the family unit falls apart, we still have a child to take care of. And we should do that, for the sake of Allah subhanho wa taala. And for the sake of that child, and for the sake of being two grown adults who take care of their responsibilities.

00:47:23--> 00:47:29

I'm sorry, I had to do this one. There's not one that I wanted to do. But it had to be done. It needed to be done.

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Because it's happening far too often. And now and I want to be an advocate for everything that I feel like I can be an advocate for because I can speak of perfect experience when it comes to dealing with the family court system. And when it comes to parent parental alienation. I'm going to become a parental alienation advocate. I'm going to book because parental alienation is child abuse. Plain and simple. Let me let me say this. parental alienation is child abuse. When you alienate a parent from a child who is willing, capable and fit, it is child abuse. Full stop.

00:48:07--> 00:48:08

And it needs to be stopped.

00:48:10--> 00:48:35

So I'm going to become a child to parent parental alienation advocate. I'm going to become a father's rights advocate. Mother's rights advocate in the sense that if that's how if I get stories from sisters who are finding themselves in similar situations reach out to me but I know fathers get the shortest end of the stick so I'm going to be a father's right perhaps getting fathers. I see you the ones that are out there struggling and striving and fighting with the family court system and spinning to your last penny to be able to do so losing money left right and center.

00:48:36--> 00:48:49

That could be going to your children and going to your home that is now going to prop up an unjust system I see you I feel you I understand you I love you for the sake of Allah subhanho wa Taala keep fighting. Never give up that fight never give up that fight never give up that fight never

00:48:50--> 00:48:59

give up that fight because your children are worth it. And reach out to me if you need to. I love you all for the sake of Allah subhanho wa Taala

00:49:00--> 00:49:08

my closets clean I've in my I've emptied out my closet. It's clean. That's it. That was the last Super traumatic

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box that I had in there.

00:49:12--> 00:49:28

Feels good to have that closet cleaned I'm not gonna lie. But now we go on to other things. The podcast is going to take a moment now going on because this one held me back I didn't put out anything since the Christmas episode because I had to get this one out. This one had to be done. But now

00:49:29--> 00:49:59

Now we we go forward. We go forward hopefully my situation changes and I get to see my son more. I have a feeling when this tape drops I'm it's going to be a very tumultuous time for me it's going to be even probably more difficult for me with seeing my son and having but I already have the bare minimum. The bare minimum is every other weekend and that's that's what I get. I have the bare minimum so I have nothing left to lose. You can't take more from me. I've already lost. I've already I've already lost well over 100k in this attempt and

00:50:00--> 00:50:21

I only get four days a month. So there's there's a little bit left for me to lose, but it's gonna be some drama. I'm ready. Let's go. I need this one done. This one had to be ticked off. Why? Because I want to be helpful. I want everybody out there to know this going through this that you're not alone. I'm here for you. And I will be here for you and I will fight for you. I will become an advocate for you. Because we need it.

00:50:22--> 00:50:26

I'll see you guys in the next one. Inshallah. I look forward to the comments.

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That's it. I love you guys. I'll see you on the next one in sha Allah. I gotta go.

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I gotta go tune down his brain for a minute. So wired. Hi, this one this one hit very, very close to home. So you guys in the next sections, neck. I'll see you guys on the next episode of reflections. Episode 25.

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And remember, may Allah grant you peace in your hearts, peace in your minds. Peace in your home's peace and your souls. I'm here for you. I'm just like you struggling just like you. We can make it together. May Allah grant you the best of everything in this life and in the next and I see the next one. I said I'm what Alikum warahmatu Allahi wa barakato