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Before You Say I Do – EP21
Channel: Yassir Fazaga
Series: Yassir Fazaga - Before You Say I Do
File Size: 11.10MB
Episode Transcript ©
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has given you a companion and friend to stay and always be seen as man and wife, fulfilling their Deen From this day on forever
rajim Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu wa salam ala rasulillah All praise is due to Allah and made his peace and blessings be upon our beloved prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. We begin by greeting our brothers, our sisters and our viewers saying a Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.
In the past few episodes, we'll be talking about an important subject. And that was the idea of time bombs. And we said that time bombs were problems that do not necessarily present themselves immediately. But over time, we feel them. And we said that they are dangerous, because initially,
we may not perceive them as such. However, over time, they manifest themselves fully. And unfortunately, sometimes it's too late by then. And we spoke about significant age difference as being a time bomb, we spoke about different religious background as being a potential time bomb, we spoke about a different ethnic, or social or educational background as being a potential time bomb. And when we speak about potential time bombs, we're not saying that it is going to be over or you must end it, but we're just saying that, you know, you must consider this. Otherwise, it can be a problem later on in your life. And now we have another time bomb. And this happens to be some a good
number of people's favorite, toxic in laws. Now, when we marry into a family, we are not just marrying one individual, at least in the Muslim culture, at least in the Eastern culture. You're not just marrying one individual, but rather, you are marrying into the family. And likewise, they're also marrying into your family. And depending on what is the family make up, the family dynamics, in laws play a role in the family, sometimes their role is very big. And sometimes their role is minimized. When the role is big, it could be either that they do it very positively. For example, in many Eastern cultures, there is the idea of extended family, people go toward children go to work, I
mean, the sons and the daughters, and they may leave their children with the grandparents to look after them. And that comes in very handy. When we have extended family, it's also good because there is role flexibility, when somebody gets sick, other people are able to come and look over them when some people need the extra help. Also, other people are there for them. So that is really nice. However, sometimes our in laws are not really what we wish them to be.
They have a joke about this guy, he was talking to his friend about his mother in law. And you know, they were talking about how laws are a problem. And so this guy said, Man, my mother in law is an angel. His friend looked at him and he said, You're lucky mine is still alive. Okay. So what happens is, when we have got, if you don't get it, it's okay.
If you are a little slow after a foot, but at any case, here is what we have. You may not know much about them until you actually get married, but by then it's too late. You've met his sisters, and they seem really, really nice. And you have met her sisters as well, you've met the mom. And the mom seems to be a very nice, sweet lady. But that changes as soon as you get married. But by then it's a little late. So one thing why it's a potential time bomb is because you don't know that people fail early until you get married. And by then it is too late. And part of it is prior to marriage.
You were not seen as a threat. Somehow, when a woman takes the son away, she is seen by the rest of the family as a threat. And that threat is not real until she actually gets married to that guy. So you're not a threat until you get married. And that's why they seem to change after you get married. And also sometimes you may not experience the full impact of the problem until you actually become pregnant and start having children to see how much say there is out there. I remember one time sister came to me and she said my mother in law is controlling everything in our lives. In fact, the other day came to me and she said I want you to be pregnant in March. How do you do that? How can
you say to somebody I want you to be pregnant in March. So now she is determining not only the fact that they're going to get pregnant, but more is going to
To be the month when they are going to get pregnant. That's a lot of power. Sometimes they determine the names of these children. Sometimes they even go as far as where do people live, what kind of profession they should have. And I was just told that some even determine what people are going to wear on daily basis. They walk into your room, they open the closet, and they say, this is what you're going to wear. And this is what he is going to wear. And I remember this sister that came and she was complaining about her in laws, she said, I feel that somebody else is running my life. I am not in charge of my own life. But rather somebody is determining every little minute thing in my
life, I'll be feeding my baby and my mother in law will scream at me. Don't give him that. My baby said, No, don't give him that. Okay, fine. So don't give him that. The next day, she sees my child wearing something. And she said, How can you put something like this on on this child, take it off and put something else on. So now she's not only in charge of me and my husband, but now she's also in charge of the children as well. I feel confined. I feel like I am in prison. And I want a fight right now. Can I kill my mother in law? Okay, so that becomes a big, huge problem. And sometimes, because we are married into the people, we want to be good to their extended family as well. I want
to be good to my mother in law, I want to be good to her brothers, I want to be good to her sisters. And likewise, she wants to be good to my mother. She wants to be good to my sisters, and she wants to be good to my brothers because we've married into the family. And sometimes when you love a person and you get married to them, what happens is that you want to be good to the people that are around that question. You want to be good to the people who are good to that person. And sometimes our in laws make that difficult, or they may make that difficult. How do we know that they are a problem? Well, there are symptoms. For example, if you argue about them at least once a week, your
mom did this. And your sister said this to me. As these are isolated incidents, which happens once every three months, once every six months, once every year, we say just human interaction people come together they interact, friction happens, sorry, sorry, and of the story. But then if this happens that you are here about them, at least once a week, it seems like we have a problem.
Okay, if you argue about them for at least a week, or sometimes you dread the visits either when they're coming or when you have to go over to them. I remember a sister She came in was her husband, and she was complaining that her husband made it almost an obligation that every single weekend, they must go and not only visit his family, but they must also spend the entire weekend with his family. She said his mom or his dad told him that this is what they need to do. We have been married for a year, we have not had a single week and on our own. The man takes me every single weekend. And we go and we spent the entire time with his family. She said I am just tired of this, I don't feel
like I am living my life. So every time we have to go there, I almost get sick, because I do not want to go there. And sometimes it is not them that we are trained to visit, but we are afraid that they might visit us. So a man comes and he tells his wife, you know my parents are going to be visiting today. What's the first question that a woman would ask? How long are they going to be here for? How long are they going to be here for because I am going to determine whether I can handle this, or I cannot handle that. So when we dread either visiting them, or them visiting us it is a potential problem that is out there. Or sometimes when we are around them we fight. It is not a
harmonious relationship that we have with them. And sometimes no matter what it is that we say or they say somehow it ends up in being a big huge argument. At that point, we potentially have a problem or never felt totally accepted by them. It also Pamela and I think this happens a lot more with the sisters than it does with the prophets. Somehow she comes and she tells me that what they belittle me. They make me feel like I've stolen their son even though they were the ones that came and proposed to me, even though they were the ones that have begged for my hand. And here I am. I am not accepted by these people. They've seen me as an outsider. They treat me as an alien. I am
considered a foreigner by
them. And no matter what I do, I am not fully accepted by these people, they invite everybody else but I am not included. They tell everybody else. And somehow I do not get a personal invitation or anything like that. I just do not feel that I belong with these people. And I don't belong because they have not accepted me into the family yet. Or one of my favorites, fantasize about them dying. Okay, people would come in and they say, Man, last night, I had such a beautiful dream. I dreamed that my mother in law was dead. Okay. But when I woke up in the morning, I was so disappointed, it was just a dream. She is not dead for a year. If it gets to that point, this is really dangerous.
This is really dangerous. When we start fantasizing about the death of our in laws, it means that we cannot stand these people. And we really want their departure from our lives simply because of how they are negatively impacting our lives. Or they become time and energy vampires. You all know what a vampire is. Okay. So what they do is that they just suck our time. And they suck the energy out of us simply because we have to attend to them simply because of all the arguments that goes on with them simply because of how frequent they want to visit, or how frequent they want us to with them. So we are constantly is being bombarded with these people. Story, the brother and a band. That's
funny. This guy, married to a woman. And he said one day I came I just came to the house. He said there was a band in my house that was ready to play music. They didn't mind playing music. He said, I came into my house and there was an entire orchestra. And I said What happened? He said, Well, these are my brothers, they formed a band and they decided to come and they are going to perform in the middle of the neighborhood, of course, in their house, said I have to kick them away is that I told them to just get out right now. And he said he was not polite about it. And of course that created a big huge problem between him and his wife. And sometimes it does not have to be the
presence of the band. It's just that you know, your family is always here your family always comes over and I feel that you know what, I am not comfortable around them. I do not want them to be around us either. What do we do about this? We are going to take a short break and we will be back to address this topic. So please stay tuned and don't go away.
Always be always be seen as man and wife fulfilling Bismillah R Rahman Rahim In the Name of Allah, the Compassionate, The Most Merciful As salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.
And thank you for joining us again. And if you have just joined us, we are speaking about a time bomb in the form of toxic in laws. And we gave some examples of the fact that when we marry the person, we're not only marrying them, but rather we're marrying into the family they are marrying into our family as well. And depending on the dynamics of both families, that is going to determine whether we're going to have a healthy relationship with our in laws, or we are not going to have a healthy relationship with our in laws. I will say that the thing about the animals is that we do not fully know them until we get married. And of course, by then it is too late, because we have gotten
married to that individual already. But our in laws, they can become time and energy vampires, and they can absolutely negatively influence and impact our families. And the question that we usually get is, my mother wants this and my wife wants this and it seems like I am torn between them. I want to obey my mother, but at the same time, I do not want to disappoint my wife, what do I do? Number one, let us not put things in the form of ultimatums. I am either given this or I am given that, remember, my relationship with my mother is a totally different relationship than it is with my wife. These are two separate relationships, and we cannot mix them where I have to make a choice.
It's either this or that. So to begin with the way that we frame such a question, that is not acceptable, and it is not valid when we do it in such a way. Yes, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, you know when he was asked by the companion, man, I have been nasty because Mr. Huberty who is most entitled to the best of my companionship, the processes that your mother, your mother, your mother three times and then he said your father at the end, but also it's the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam who equally said, hydrocodone hydrocodone actually the best amongst you are those who are best to their families. And Allah subhanaw taala said why should open a vulnerable
and deal or live with your wife with the concept of murder?
But what happens was the endless is this is that sometimes we do not know where the boundaries are.
We do not know where the boundaries are in a sense that where do I draw the line? Where is it that I have my family? Yes, but now I have my own family, when is it that I can tell my family, you know what the line stops here, and you really cannot cross this line, because this is where the boundaries are going to end at this point. And sometimes when we do not know where to and how to identify these boundaries, this is what we get, we have people crossing all over the place where they really should not, should not be. So the idea. And the question of enlace is really a question of boundaries, how much they should they have a marriage, for example, I would welcome the fact that
my mom may suggest a name for my child. But remember, the word here is suggest I may choose was the approval of my wife after consulting her, you know, to honor her by, you know, picking that name. But ultimately, we have to know, and we have to make it known to them, that the name of the child is up to the mother and the father who gave birth to that child. So it has to do a lot with boundaries. And that is why sometimes sisters would say, I feel that my husband does not stand up for me. My his family abuses me, his family calls me name, his family lies about me, and he doesn't do anything. He just stands there, and he does not do anything. And I feel that my husband does not stand up for me,
y'all know what I'm talking about? And at that point, I just feel that what is this man doing? Why isn't he saying anything? What does he talk to his mom, and we come home, and he apologizes, and he gives me all these nice words. But he does not have the guts and the courage to stand up and say, and speak to his family. And I understand that this is, you know, sometimes a difficult position for a son to be in, when he feels that he needs to tell something that's not very pleasant to his mom, of course, you don't have to be rude about it. But at the same time, he is feeling torn between the mother and between the wife. But then again, ultimately, it is all about boundaries, we must be able
to tell our families as far as where do they stop, this is my family now. And also as parents, they must also understand that you know what they have raised a man who is capable of making sound and reasonable choices and decisions in their lives. And as such, they must let go, you must let go and allow your son and your daughter and trust the fact that they will make sound same judgments in their lives. Our parents sometimes will always see us as their children. And because we are children, we will always know less, we always need their guidance, and we welcome their guidance. But it also has to be said that you know what, we are going to draw the boundaries. So in order to
avoid such a time bomb, you know, regardless of how nice the parents and the family may seem, this is something that you need to talk about. And that is, you know, what are the boundaries? Where do the boundaries of your family's involvement in my family at this point? Where do they end, but I'll tell you what, was toxic in Lowe's, they really really can drain the marriage out of any beauty that's in it constantly if you have to argue about them. And unfortunately, I know families that argue about their in laws, especially if they live together, then every single day is a potential disastrous day, where problems may come up between the wife or the husband and the rest of the
family. Remember, and with this, I conclude that the idea of the inlaws it ultimately is about boundaries, having the boundaries and putting them where they belong. And also standing up when these boundaries have been correct that can eliminate many potential problems. And with this inshallah, we will open the door for questions or comments about the topic. Go ahead. And what is the Islamic perspective staying? I mean, the parents as well as at the same time the family, yes, in some cultures, that is the case where son is expected that once they get married, they are going to stay with their parents. Now, if the culture welcomes this, if the woman does not mind that, then
his son does not really have a problem with this, but also some understands that when you marry a woman, one of the things that are required is the issue of privacy. There must be a minimum level of privacy that is provided to that woman. When she feels that this is really her house. What happens sometimes is that when she is invited to in a living settings or living arrangements like this
Some sisters have said this to me, they said that we constantly feel like we are guests, I do not feel that this house is really mine, I do not feel that it fully belongs to me. But rather, I feel like a guest where somebody else is in control of this house. And I am really not in charge of my own house. So the arrangements, if they're acceptable by the people, then they are acceptable by the people. Islam does not look down upon this. However, Islam also says that since this is a new family, you must provide at least a minimum level of privacy where a person can really be without the fear that somebody else is going to be interfering, or somebody else somehow is going to be
injecting in there every now and then. And I do not mean this in the physical way. By the way, when I speak about privacy, I'm not talking about people knocking on the door before they come in, I'm not talking about a room that you have with nobody else is allowed in that is just a part of privacy, physical privacy. But no, I want to have a private life where I feel that you know what, not everything I say is heard by other people. Not everything I feel is objected to by other people, but rather, you have got to provide a minimum level of privacy, if your resonance allows for this Alhamdulillah. If it does not, then this is something that a person needs to consider. And think of,
in the presence of grandparents and parents around the Lord and the husband, who is the head of the family home, should we consider whose judgment should we consider? See, remember this, that when we made into the family, yes, we are marrying into the family. But we neither marrying the father, nor are we marrying the grandfather, we have just made our own family. So within our own family, the head of that household is the husband of this woman that they just got married. So within our own family, this is the case now in matters that, you know, affect the entire family, then again, it depends on what are the other arrangements? joint meaning physically joint. Yeah, that's what I'm
saying, saying within our own immediate family, I am the head of my family, the family that I just formed was this woman who is my children, I am the head of that family. My own family may have a different head than myself. But my immediate family, I am the head of that family. This is what I'm talking about. So my father may be the head of my family, but he is not the head of this family as well. That makes sense. And that's again, that's where boundaries are to be said, this is our family. We are part of this bigger family. But we must also be seen as an independent soul on our own. So does the husband's father cease to be his head, once he's married? The husband of the father
does not become also the head of this newly formed family. He remains the head of the family that the husband belongs to. But this new family now the husband is the head of this family. That's what I mean by boundaries. Yes, I am Asad. I belong to my parents on one side. But I'm also asked who decided to have a family of my own. I am the head of that family that I just formed or my own. Equally I belong to another family, who's the head of it may still be my father or my older brother or grandparent or whoever it is, but that does not extend to this family on this side as well. Does that make sense? Okay, and with this, we come to the conclusion of this part of our episode. Thank
you very much for joining us. And remember, you can always email your questions, your complaints, your suggestions to us at faza at peace tv.org until we meet next time we say so long and As salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.