Channel: Yasmin Mogahed
Get Ready for your Marriage not the Wedding – Yasmin Mogahed
clean your heart.
And actually it's very relevant the title to what we're talking about today. I've been the and so it's actually the scenario that he painted. The title of the talk that we're talking about today is preparing for the marriage, not just the wedding. And one thing that's very, very common that happens, as in the scenario that he described, is that so much of our preparation, so much of our anticipation, so much of our focus, when you're getting married, is actually on the wedding. In the sense of I mean, at the beginning, for example, there's there's a lot of anticipation about what's going to happen on that day. And I think that beyond that, at sort of a larger level, we also have
this idea where we think of marriage as, as the end of the story, right, because this is how it happens, how it happened in our fairy tales. And this is how often it happens in our room. You know, our ROM coms or romantic comedies, is what happens in the, in the stories and in the fairy tales, and in Disney and so on. And the idea is that, you know, you're sort of living your life incomplete in some way. You're living your life. And you are, you know, when you go into study, actually very interesting. You learn a lot when you study some of these classic fairy tales that we grew up with. In my class, one of the things that we do, and one of the in the section about marriage is we just
take the story of Cinderella. And the story is to conclude, and we just studied these stories and just look at some of the concepts in these stories. And you know, some people will say, but those are just fairy tales. But what's very interesting is that they're not just fairy tales, because they teach concepts. And they are concepts that then evolve and continue, but the concepts stay the same. And I'll tell you what those concepts are when you look, for example, at Sleeping Beauty, to find that the way it works is this, this premise walks into a castle, and everybody in the castle is pretty much dead. Okay, everybody is kind of like in a coma. And he goes through the castle.
And I'm basically scanning for the most beautiful person. And
he, I mean, really, okay, so so he's, it's a bunch of dead people. I'm not kidding, this is the start.
And then he spots the most beautiful one among them. Just Sleeping Beauty squash is called sleeping baby. And he goes up to her and falls madly in love.
What is he in love with?
Okay, she's she hasn't opened her mouth. She's dead. So it's obviously not her personality. It's not her beautiful heart. It's not reviewable character, because she's in a coma. But he's in love with her. Right? So then what happens is, he decided he was going to kiss her. She was really shady. Because this is like, I mean, if you
don't just go around kissing, like people in comas, then you don't know. Just because they're beautiful.
That's, that's what happens. So he kisses her. And then she comes to life. And now she comes to life with everyone else that castle comes to life. So Wow. So first of all, if you are the most beautiful person, then and only then you can see the world.
And the idea here and the message here is that your your life literally does not begin until a prince comes to kiss you until a prince comes to save you literally save you in the sense that you are dead and then you are alive based on what a prince and this message actually is. continues in every fairy tale. Right. And then from the left rose and came around and saved us.
Yeah, so anyway. So this is the message in in all of them. Right. So then you have you have Cinderella, and the idea of Cinderella is you have this woman who's abused right? She's abused by his parents, her stepmother and her sister.
are sisters. And she's completely helpless, isn't she, she can do anything for herself. She is a passive observer, rather a passive victim of her own life. And she has no power to do anything. She has birds for her.
She has, you know, and then, and then one day joke, Fairy Godmother, too. So one day, she, a fairy godmother comes around, and turns her from her rags that she's wearing and gives her a beautiful dress. So now she goes to the wall. And again, what is what is her very important qualities of this ball, she's the best dressed.
The reason she's the best dressed is because her like a bunch of birds and animals came together made her dress. So she's the best dressed. And again, she's the most beautiful one at the ball. So naturally, the principles and author again, doesn't know anything about her doesn't, there's nothing to do. And it's not her personality and her beautiful heart, her beautiful character, because she just has the most beautiful dress and the glass slippers.
So message there be the best dressed and have the best shoes.
And if you're the best dressed and you have the best shoes, then all your problems will be solved. Because
you know, you were abused. And this is gonna save you. This is gonna save you right? So what happens is, you know, she runs, she runs away, or she says she has to leave before midnight, then he's looking for Who is this person who was the best dressed and the most beautiful. And that's the one I'm going to marry? And how does he know? Because he you know, the slipper and all that, again, what is the message here? Well, number one, the most important thing is be the best dress, have the best shoes and be the most beautiful. And number two is that again, you are helpless. in your own life. You are a passive observer, or rather passive victim in your own life, your life is incomplete until
a man comes and saves you. Right? You can't save yourself, you can't go and seek God to save you, you need this magical Savior. And again, that's the same message continues and we know you have Snow White. And so on that case you'd like the slave of seven little men. Yellow please write.
This message continues throughout the stories that we hear throughout the movies that you watch. And then even within our own communities. Because what we're told is, you know, when you have a single, especially single sister, everyone is putting so much pressure on her right? The moment she turns like 21 it's like oh my god, you know, you're getting old.
Right? Like, Oh, my God and mother can't sleep it needs to take like anxiety.
Because her daughter's 21.
She's getting old. The choreography I guarantee right? And the idea is, is pressure from every direction. When are you going to get married? And the idea is yes, marriage as the prophets I send them said when a person gets married, they've completed after the Allahu Akbar. Let's see this, this has been misunderstood. When you say that you've completed half your deen, that does not mean that you are an incomplete human being. And you needed that another human being to complete you. Because if one were the case, how could many, many of them? How could she have been one of the most perfect women? Right? The mother of an ISA the prophets, I send them himself in a sub sound has it said that
she was one of the most perfect women and she wasn't married. So how could it be that you are incomplete until you are married. And yet the way that we treat marriage is we we have turned marriage from a means to an end in and of itself. So what that means is, is that we think when we ask a woman or it's typically what we're going to ask somebody, what are you going to get married? The idea is you're not really asking when you're going to get married, what you really need is what are you going to fulfill the purpose of your creation?
When are you going to be a full human being? When are you going to stop being handicapped? Right? What are you going to stop walking around like with without an arm? You know what I'm saying? So the idea here, it's not when are you going to just walk just what are you gonna get married? It's when are you going to fulfill the purpose of your creation and let me be able to sleep at night.
The idea here is that we as human beings, women or men, we were not put on this earth for any other purpose except one purpose. And that purpose is as Allah subhanaw taala says what matters to Genoa is that they are good, which means we have not created Jenin human beings in parentheses for any other purpose, except to worship or to fulfill obedience to Allah meaning that I was calling
created, not ultimately to be a wife, or a mother, or in the case of a husband or father, or a doctor, or a teacher, or the richest person alive, or the size for
That stuff, why I was created, ultimately, I was created ultimately to be a slave to a lot.
And it is under that umbrella of slavery to a lot that I am a wife, and a mother, and a doctor, and a teacher and a writer and anything else. But when we flip that, and when we see our purpose in any other way, that's when we lose direction. And that's when we lose balance. If I think that as a woman, I was put on this earth to get married and have babies that I have lost my ultimate purpose, because my ultimate purpose was to be a slave to a law. And there are many ways to be a slave to a law, there are many paths to Allah subhanaw taala. And indeed, marriage is one of them. And I'm gonna repeat that because I don't want it to be any misunderstanding, that my ultimate purpose is to
reach a law. And one of the ways to Allah is marriage. One of the ways to a lot is marriage. But my ultimate purpose is not marriage itself. My ultimate purpose is not being a wife and a mother, or being a husband and a father or being a doctor, or whatever it is, there's no other role. That is my ultimate purpose except for being a to Allah subhanaw taala reaching a lot and pleasing alone, there are many different paths to Allah subhanaw taala, and marriage is one of them.
It isn't the only one of them. So if one person does not have that path, it doesn't mean that they cannot have another path. A person who didn't get married, or who got married is no longer married. It doesn't mean they haven't fulfilled their purpose of creation, it means that one path, they're not taking that path, they have a different path. And this is why I gave the example of many of them, because this is an example of one of the perfect women along with the Prophet essentials is for perfect women. One of them was not married. And that's many of them. One of them. Asya was married to a very, very tight radical and an abusive disbeliever, which was Pharaoh. So you have a
single mom, who never got married, my name is Anna, she's one of the most perfect women. And then you have an example of a woman who's married to a very bad man.
And then you have an example of a woman fault, Emma,
who's the daughter of a prophet. And then you have Khadija. And so you have these examples of these women.
And they are all just went in just having different walks of life. There isn't only one way to also turn out as a woman or as a man, there isn't only one way to almost kind of like this. So what we have to do is we have to
redefine our understanding of what marriage really is. When Allah subhanaw taala talks about the relationship between husband and wife and sort of the rule. Women AMT and Haleakala come in and full circle as well
have with john Aveda. kumada tamarama. Uh, what's that? Is that from among His Signs is this, before we even continue the idea, we need to pause there for a second, what does it mean to say it's from among His Signs, by the way, this is the area that's on every Muslim wedding invitation.
This is the idea
of romantic love. This is the idea about marriage. And it begins in a very important way in a very interesting way that we have to reflect. He's just watching TV, this is from among His Signs. Now pause and reflect for a moment about the purpose of the sign when you're driving, and you're driving to Kuala Lumpur, and you see a sign what is the purpose of the sign
directs you guides you, pointer, it takes you somewhere else, it guides you and points you towards something else. Now, if you're trying to get to Kuala Lumpur, and you see a sign that says Kuala Lumpur 10 kilometers. Do you go take your car say oh, I saw the sign in the park and you just stay there?
Is that what you do? What's the purpose of the site to direct you to keep going? Yeah, but the site itself is not the destination. Am I making sense? The site itself is not the destination The site is a director, the site is a pointer to the destination.
Case almost says that this relationship between husband and wife is a sign.
In other words, it's not the destination
at this point
When you turn to the destination, it is a guidance.
What is the destination?
It's a law. That's why the as says when in actuality, he actually means among His Signs, it's among His Signs. So it's assigned to a law, it's a pointer to a law. It's a, it's a guidance towards a law. But it is not the end in and of itself, the story doesn't end at the wedding. That's where it begins.
It doesn't end there. That's where it begins. Because this is the path. And this is one of those vehicles that's supposed to help you in that path. But it isn't the end. It's not, you know, like in the stories and in the movies, where does the story end at the wedding. That's when the story ends. Yeah, suddenly, and then he lived happily ever after.
Nah, that's not how it works. This isn't the end, this is the beginning. The beginning of now, this is a vehicle to take notes in my edits, my edit is the law, never ever mix up the two. Never mix up the means and the end, don't mix them together. Because if you do that, that's when you really, really suffer, and you lose direction. Because you think that this is the it's a
it's a huge one area TV and color palette, open and full circle, mean and full circle as well. And
so from a rocket scientist that he created spouses for you that she made well and tranquility with them. Part of this relationship is this sense of stability, and a sense of peace and a sense of tranquility. With Jada de nicoma, the tenant law
and law, these two concepts in marriage
is such a perfect summary of what is needed in that relationship. Now the word my word that is translated as what?
Well, let's hope.
So what are two different words? And in English, you say? Well, for both, right? So in Arabic, you have to understand that these, no two words have the exact same meaning there's a different shade of meaning between Melaka and hope. And the difference is linguistically is that hope means love. And this love can be something I feel in my heart. But my website is different my web, you know, the name of Allah and Wedgwood,
which is a type of love that is expressed.
You see the difference between hope and this end doesn't say Judge anabaena
hope we are It doesn't just say love. But it is expressed love.
You know, the shift.
He was talking about this concept of how there's no one that at the beginning and then you know, and then and then what carries you through as well I would actually say is that express love needs to be throughout the relationship. And to say that that just ends you don't need to express love and your express love for the first few weeks in the you know, honeymoon. And then after that you just put up with each other. No, like, express love needs to carry you through the relationship is what Melinda is. My What that means is you are not just feeling love, you know, so many people say oh, but I love you and I love my spouse, okay when it's less than expressed it. But I love that. When was the last
time you expressed it, if you love them, that's just hope. That's just hope. But when you say my word that this is expressed love, and a part of keeping this relationship strong, it is not enough to just say I love them in my heart is not enough. It's kind of like the people will say my hijab is in my heart.
I pray in my heart fast in my heart.
My heart. It doesn't work like that. How can I say? How can I say I love a law but my expression it's all in my heart. I don't express it. Right? This is what people are saying when they say my hijab is in my heart or my or my or my prayer is in my heart. I say I love God. But I don't express it. It doesn't show in my action. That is not that doesn't work. Love needs to be expressed. And when I say when Allah says and in Edina M and where I will study has this issue has to go together don't pay those who believe and and what do righteous deeds. Allah always connects the belief in other words, the feeling inside and the expression of his inaction.
And Medina Allah know why he was solid Hi. So we cannot say I love but I don't show I love I don't express in any way.
Our love for God is expressed
don't pray in my heart only, I don't wear hegemony in my heart only. Yes, in my heart I pray, but I also pray externally to I also express it in my passion. Similarly, human love is kept strong when it is expressed. And therefore the word used in this area is my wife,
my wife does not just hope. So express love, and when Rama, mercy and compassion, and yes, this is necessary, this is the aspect where we are able to overlook, we are able to be compassionate, and caring, and empathetic, and feel what the other person is feeling and be able to give them 70 excuses and be able to feel that, you know, they're not, they're not acting this way, because they want to hurt me, they're acting this way, because they're going through this and they're going through that this is compassion. And this is necessary. This is a necessary ingredient.
My one lesson Rama, and then again, at the end of the A of our repeats, that this is assign, assigned for who those who reflect those who think and contemplate those who understand. So a lot begins the idea by saying this is the sign and the NCAA by saying this is a sign and in the middle, he's talking about romantic love. So this idea of marriage is the law of showing us in this area, that this is a sign of a law, it isn't the destination. So we have to use it as a means it's a path to a loss of time. It's part of the journey, it's not the end of itself. So when we put things into perspective like that, it totally changes how we interact within marriage. And this really brings us
to the heart of the question of, are we preparing for the marriage? Are we just preparing for the wedding? Are we just saying, you know, okay, I got married, check that, you know, it's like, it's kind of like you just have like a list of things you need to do in life, check done, you know,
it's not the end, it's the beginning. And how is it that you're going to prepare for that way for that marriage is that when you see this as part of your path, then you interact with that within that relationship very differently. One of the biggest problems is when you enter into a into any relationship with another person, expecting that person to complete you expecting that person to to give to you to fulfill you to make you happy. And the idea here is one the focus is what you're going to give me this is when you when you face a problem, because if I come in empty handed if I come into a relationship entity, and I expect to be filled, that is a recipe for disaster. The
reason is that Remember what we said marriage in and of itself is part of the path to God. And therefore it's supposed to be helping me become
a better person. It's not ultimately about fulfilling completing and making me happy. Those are all inshallah to Allah consequences. Right? I'm not saying there isn't that in marriage, inshallah there is Haskell law, open a headliner mean, as you know, with overreacts inaccurate, or loveless us with the gift. And this is, by the way, an unexpected and undeserved gift of making our spouses and our children the coolness of our eyes, there is happiness and comfort in marriage in sha Allah, Allah is Allah gives you with that.
But that's not your ultimate purpose is not for you to make me feel me, make me happy, make me you know, complete, make what was empty full, know the purpose is for you to help me be a better person. And that's very, very different. It's very different. That this when you say that when you've gotten married, you have completed half of your deen. This means that this is a way for you to become better through marriage. You know why that's so different. Because when your focus is on trying to become a better person, then marriage goes from being just something to feed my emptiness, and my ego to being something that helps me to build my character. And so marriage is now something where
you view it as a character builder. Now, it's not so difficult to apologize, right? It's not so difficult to be the first to apologize. It's not so difficult to overlook. It's not as difficult because now I'm telling myself, it's not about being right. It's about being a good person.
And when you're able to see it that way, then the way you interact with one another is very different. And if your ultimate purpose is the pleasure of a love. The other thing that happens is
your intention if your interest
Scroll along, then, you know, sometimes when you're in a relationship you do, you may be giving a lot, right? You may be giving a lot. And if the reason why you're giving is to is to get it back from that person, you're going to likely be disappointed because sometimes people aren't very appreciative right? Sometimes you give and give and give, and nobody says thank you, right? Sometimes you give and give and give, and no one even acknowledges no one even no one even notices has it doesn't happen or not. Every single mother in this room is like,
and I'm sure you got her father's not nodding as.
Um, but yeah, you know what I'm saying, right? human beings were thankless, like, a lot tells us like that.
Mankind is like, in our nature, we're very ungrateful or very ungrateful. I mean, if we're grateful to God, right? We're grateful to God, how are we going to be with people? How can you be with one another? Right? We're not very grateful. And so we're sitting around waiting for people to be grateful. We're going to be constantly disappointed. Yeah, if you're sitting around waiting for Thank you, right? Thank you, I appreciate you. And this isn't to say we shouldn't be we need to be appreciated. Because the prophets I said and said he will does not thank people does not say hello.
So there's a connection between being grateful to people, and then showing gratitude to Allah. But I'm talking about when you don't feel appreciated by people. Well, this is the beauty of doing something for the sake of Allah.
Right? Because no matter what if nobody thinks you, if no one acknowledges you, if no one even notices what you've done, a lot always acknowledges and Alo always notices. And in fact, one of the attributes of a lot is a shampoo.
And you don't like from sugar, a lot is always, always noticed. And Elias is grateful, thankful, he will notice even the smallest gesture that you do for his sake, to the extent that you are walking down the street, and you see like something harmful in the road, and you pick it up. This is known as firewall. This is rewarded by Allah, you see how Allah is just waiting to give us reward for even the smallest thing, we smile at one another, it's a charity, we pick up something harmful from the road, it's a charity alone, always notices these things, as long as they're done for the sake, human beings aren't always like, very much like that. So this is another way where it makes the
relationship stronger. When you have the right focus that I'm doing this for Allah. Ultimately, I'm doing this for love. So if something is not immediately appreciated, or immediately acknowledge, you don't feel that devastation, that that constant disappointment, because a lot always notices and a lot always rewards. And you're rewarded with a lot no matter what, no matter who thinks you no matter who acknowledges no matter who says things, no matter who even notices what you're doing.
in kind of like in the whole grand scheme of, of why it is, you know, in order for any relationship to be successful, we have to have a very clear picture of our purpose. So if I were to summarize,
the concept that I wanted to give to you today is this idea of why is it that we get married, what is the ultimate purpose, when we have that clear, when he realized that the ultimate purpose is a law, and that this is a means it really changes the way we view marriage, it changes the way we view our relationships, and then how we're able to be in that relationship. I'll end with this. And that is the idea of giving versus taking, of giving versus taking.
The concept of marriage
is one where it encourages giving and encourages the focus on giving.
versus what what we see when we are doing something for the sake of our next the focus is on taking the focus is on taking. And part of that reason, which I'm going to talk about more in my next lecture inshallah, about happiness. Part of the reason for that is that when your focus is not a law, when your focus is not for the sake of a law, you become very empty inside. It's like a person who, who doesn't have money person who's who's poor, a person who's who's begging, and see when you're poor and when you don't have money and when you don't have food, and when you're starving. What do you do? What does a person do? Who doesn't?
have money and doesn't have to have food?
You bet. You bet.
You become a beggar. Right? Because if you don't have, you're going to need to, you're going to be desperate to take, right?
Have you ever seen a beggar? Who's out giving charity?
Have you ever seen a beggar who's looking for people to give money to?
What's the reason?
Because they're in need, right? They are bankrupt internally, you know, in their, literally, they're bankrupt. And when you're bankrupt, your focus is not giving. When you're bankrupt, your focus is
your focus is demanding. Why? Because I need it's really not your fault. It's because you need you're in need, you're empty, you're empty, right? You don't have money, you don't have food, of course, you're going to be begging, of course, you're going to be demanding, of course you're going to be focused on taking, you don't have the capacity to give. So how can you focus on giving? Make sense? So what is the problem? The problem is when I enter into any relationship, and T,
when I when I when I enter into any relationship poor, I am going to be a person who's demanding and focused on taking
care possibly be anything less selfish when I'm starving. Make sense? Enter relationships rich, don't enter relationships poor,
enter relationships already rich and not rich. This only comes by begging from the team. By building the relationship with a law with the key consistently, consistently. That's where you get full. So you have to have that be very careful. Be very careful about entering into a relationship and losing that fuel and that filling and trying to now get filled from the relationship itself very dangerous. You not only harm yourself, you will harm the relationship and no harm the other person.
Because you are both beggars. The husband is a beggar. The wife is a beggar. You can beg for money. You have to go to the key and the more that you fill up, the more rich you become from the king, the more generous you can be in that relationship. And the more the more you can focus on giving and not be one of those people who is just demanding because they are poor inside a phone call you have what's tough for them, it would happen in our lives. Product