Yasir Qadhi – My Ex Is Preventing Me From Seeing Our Child After the Divorce…! Ask Shaykh YQ #221
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the negative impact of parenting children in older age, as it can lead to sad realities and loss of trust. They stress the importance of showing love to children and avoiding negative emotions in older age. The speakers also emphasize the need for parents to show love for their children and avoid discomfort in the future. They suggest avoiding giving up a relative's alcoholism and reading through the use of entative.AI: Transcript ©
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Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh What hamdulillah our praise is due to Allah subhanho wa Taala, the one and the unique. It is here alone that we worship, and it is His blessings that we seek. He is the Lord of the oppressed, and he answers the DA of the week. Today, inshallah Allah will be doing a number of questions. our usual q&a is today on Tuesday. And our first question is actually a summarized version of many questions that have been emailed to me. And once again, please email me questions at the email address that is on your screen. Or you can look up yesterday call the sorry, you can also doesn't want to ask why Q is the better one for the emails, ask why q at
epic masjid.org ask why Q is the special email account? That is for my question. So I get many, many questions, I choose the ones that are gonna be the most relevant. And I try to combine some of them. And this one is a combination. And that is basically a lot of distressed.
Parents have emailed me who have gone through divorces, and they are being deprived of the right to see the children by their ex partners. Sometimes it's the husband, sometimes it is the wife. And they are saying what is the Islamic verdict? What is the Islamic ruling on not allowing the partner to visit the child to visit their own children, but because of the divorce, whatever, so then another person has gone to another state or they have fled or for whatever reason, they're not allowing the parent to visit the child. Now, obviously, I'm going to seek in in generic terms, and this is a very difficult and awkward question because it is very specific based. This doesn't mean
that we cannot give a generic answer. But what it means is that my generic response cannot be extrapolated to any one individual scenario, without a person of knowledge checking your own situation. So you may take this response as a general guideline, as the blueprint that surely has overall, but understand that you must get a person of knowledge to look at your particular case, you must get a fatwa for your individual case, when it comes to this issue. And it is not allowed to simply take a generic response and apply it to your particular scenario. So let me just say, very broadly speaking, that we can state that in terms of custody, the vast majority of our scholars have
given this as a general guideline, that the custody of the children in the case of the divorce, yes, it is going to be looked at, through the lens of the generic guidelines, but you must always have a judge or a scholar, look at that particular case, and then decide what will be in the best interest of the child. And that is because people very mothers, very fathers very sometimes one of the parents might be mentally disturbed, sometimes one of them might not be able to take care of the child for reasons beyond the scope of what is typically normal. So the judge or the scholar will look what is the best interest of the child, and that will be the priority. However, the general
rule is that young children, babies, toddlers, children that are not yet able to, you know, think, independently for themselves. So this is called cinda timmies. And think independently is not the age of puberty, the age of puberty is after this. Think independently means you know, maybe like eight years old, seven years old, where they can answer have a small conversation, they know what's going on a little bit. So that is called Cinder tummies. And then older than this is Cinder buddhu, or the age of puberty, puberty. So generally speaking, the majority of scholars say that children that are beneath the sin of 10 bees, which is two years old, a baby, you know, five years old, that
they will be given to the mother. And this is the default ruling, and the mother has more right to the children. To rear them. This does not mean that the husband does not have the right of visitation. It simply means the default is that the mother is biologically and psychologically more suited for the raising of the children in that age. And as the children get older, he is where the scholar is different than men does differ. Some say they automatically default to the Father, when they get to an older age. And some say that at that stage, it is up to the children they can alternate you know whatever is convenient for the two of them. So that's easier to do when the
children are older. Now of course the problem comes multiple facets. First and foremost. This is all theory and
A lot of times after a bitter divorce after a battle of you know, possessions and whatnot, that one of the two partners once wants to basically inflict psychological harm on the other. And it is very sad to state that they use the children to get their point across the US the children as an act of revenge. And this is a sad reality that we will get going to come back to and explain why this is so wrong and harmful. The other issue that comes with these Islamic rulings are independent of the reality in non Muslim lands. So here in America, if you go to the court, the judge is going to look at many factors, the Muslim court would the Islamic court will also look at the issue of religion.
And so if it is the case that, you know, let's say the mother will not raise the children, she's a non Muslim, so she's not going to raise the children in Islam. So an Islamic Courts will look at that and say, well, we need to make sure the children are raised as Muslims. However, obviously, in this land and other lands, that is not going to be a priority whatsoever. And even if you were to put it into a marriage contract, it is irrelevant when it comes to the children, religion is irrelevant, and it's not going to be taken into account whatsoever. So we point out that this theoretical talk can only go so far, in the end of the day, the two parents really do, they should
try their best to, to reach an arbitration between them, even if a divorce has taken place. They should not take out their anger and the rotation through the children. And this is something that will lie, honestly, it is a very sad reality. That indicates and I say this bluntly, whichever parent uses the children, to get back at the other parent, frankly, that parent has not shown the dignity and not shown the decency, and frankly, not even the intellectual maturity, that is befitting of a parent, you're going to take your anger against your partner whom you were with, and with whom Allah blessed you with the child, no matter what happened happened. But there is a living
breathing human being that the two of you by the, by the, by the will of Allah, and by the blessings of Allah brought forth in this world, you share the bond that is very unique. And there is a person on earth that has 50% of your genes, and 50% of the genes of this person, and you love this child. And obviously you love this child, and because you hate your partner, for whatever reasons, and I don't care what he has done, or she has done. And it's both way, by the way, this whole lecture is going to be gender neutral, because sometimes it's the husband, sometimes it's the wife that they're using the children to, to get the divorce, whatever your partner has done, what is the injustice
that you need to do to the child to get back at the partner? Because Don't you understand that by depriving the child of one of the parents, you are taking away the love and the joy that will come in that child's life? What has the child done wrong, that you're going to use the child as a token, in this vicious battle between the two of you, no matter what the other party has done? That's between you and him? Or you or her? And you will solve that on the day of judgment? But don't take your anger out through the child? And will I how foolish is it? How foolish is it? That you bring in the innocent child and you deprive the child thinking that that is going to get back at the husband
or the ex husband or the ex wife, you know, my message to divorced couples is very, very clear. If you claim to love your children, if you claim to truly love your children, then sacrifice your pride for the love of the child and allow your ego to dissolve away in order for the love and mercy in the heart of the child to grow. I mean, don't you understand that? You know, you think you're getting back at your ex partner by depriving you know a father figure or mother figure in the child's life, that when that child grows up and understands what happens? Don't you understand that they're going to resent you immensely? How come you didn't let my mother my father visit me. And here I was
feeding these lies are being fed these lies and I have met children like this that grew up I have met many young men and women who were so angry at the one parent who didn't allow them to have access to the other parent and they were so angry It was difficult for them to forgive in one case, you know, the sister said I can't possibly forgive you know, my mother for not allow me to be with my my father during the time I was growing up when I needed him the most. This is the reality that we have to face and therapists have to face and trauma experts has to have to face and it is caused by the petty arrogance of one partner wanting to take it out on the other partner and will lie as I
said, it shows a lack of maturity and frankly, it is as if you are being disqualified from being a legitimate parent because you are putting your own selfishness above the interests of the
Child, and that is simply now obviously have to put the condition here. Obviously, that is if everything is normal if the partner, your ex, you know, partner is physically dangerous, obviously, I mean, nobody's going to tell you in that case, but let's be honest here, let's be honest here 95 98% of the time, that's not the case. That's not the case. Some big bickering happened between you and your partner, you know, there was an issue about the jewelry or the house or whatever the money the car, it's the standard issues between a divorce a divorced couple, there was a problem between the two of you words were were passed and money was was disputed over. But you both know,
deep down inside, that the both of you love that child, but you want to get back and you have the upper hand because for whatever reason you have the children in your custody, whether by legal law, or whether by you know, social norms, you were able to take the child away. And so now to get back at your ex and to rub it in, and to make him feel or her feel the pain in his or her heart, you're going to use the children to inflict that pain? Well, I find I'm really shocked that there are people like this, of course there are because I've met couples that are going through this along with Stan, but as a human to as a parent to a parent, well, I don't even bring in religion, just as
a parent to a parent, how could you do this? How is the child the child needs a mother or a father or both. And whatever has happened, don't bring in the child. As a token, don't bring the child into the war between two adults. On the contrary, you really want to be a mature parent or mature father or mother, you really want to show your love for the child, then hide as much as you can, the battle between your ex partner and for the sake of the child, minimize that conflict and let the child grow up. Don't you understand as well, that when the child grows up and knows the full story, and knows how much you sacrificed in order that you could have one of the other parents in that child's life?
Don't you understand that he or she will appreciate your sacrifice will love you even more will say to you, you know, Mama, I didn't realize how difficult it was for you to do this. But I appreciate you that are Baba. You know, I know that was very difficult for you. But I realized now that you went through a lot so that I did have access to the other parent, they will appreciate and make dua for you. And Allah will return to you the love that you gave to the child because this is an act of love. This is what real love is for the child. How can you say you love your son or daughter. And then because you hate your partner, you will deprive your son or daughter of the presence of that
partner we all know Well, I don't need to quote you any survey or any study. We all know that for a child to grow up. With both parents. It is emotionally intellectually psychologically it is a million times better than for the child to grow up without having one of the two parents it's a psychological disaster. If the parent is alive and healthy, it's one thing if it's gone, but here you have both of the parents are alive. To have a father figure and a mother figure in a child's life. It is a great blessing from Allah subhanho wa Taala and you out of your pettiness and your anger. And you because you begrudge the other partner you're going to take it out or with a builder
or with the builder. So I say bluntly, this is not a manifestation of love. It is a manifestation of foolishness and pettiness, you're allowing your ego and your and your arrogance to get in the way of your children. Now, if it's really bad between the two of you, and sometimes it happens, and you really just cannot stand talking to your ex or whatnot, bring in a third party.
One of your siblings, you know, a brother or sister or a cousin or a family friend that knew the both of you and say, hey, look, you are going to have the communication in terms of logistics in terms of pickup in terms of drop off, I understand sometimes it's really really difficult for the to to even text or communicate about the logistics, if that is the case, okay, bring in a third party and figure out how to do this and don't even have to talk to the other person. Just say, Hey, you know, at five o'clock, you know, this middleman, you know, a cousin, a brother, a sibling, you know, my uncle, my aunt or the child's uncle or aunt, you know, we'll be standing here you know, pick up
and leave and then drop off at this time, whatever it be what, until things cold out so that at least you can communicate directly pick up. But in any case, this is just all logistics. So for the sake of the children, swallow your pride and ego, then I'm going to bring up another point as well. Not just for the sake of love for your children, for the sake of fear of your own altaira for the sake of fear of your own akhira if it's not going to motivate you enough that you love your children and that's not enough motivation, well then let me add another motivational factor and that is that you will have to stand in front of Allah subhana wa tada and answer to Allah for the injustice that
you have done because the concept of injustice avoided
is something that the Quran and Sunnah have come down expressly condemning with the harshest of terms. Allah subhana wa tada has said in the Quran about regarding a boon that Allah azza wa jal has forbidden the concept of volume and Allah says what are your only murabaha your Lord does not do Volume One autoboca with all lamb Elizabeth your Lord never does boom to his servants Allah has negated it from himself. In the famous Hadith in Sahih Muslim the Prophet salallahu it who was sent him said that Allah subhana wa tada says you are a baddie in the heart ROM to Luna infc wa jal to hooba in a coma her Rahman Fela todo, para todo, that all my servants, I have made injustice,
forbidden upon myself in justice is evil, and it is evil for any entity, it is evil even for the Creator. And so Allah says, I have made vole haram upon me, this is a beautiful Hadith no one has the right to make something haram upon Allah except Allah. And Allah himself has a code of Shetty, or that Allah follows. And Allah has made that call for himself, because who's going to make the code for Allah, and of that code that Allah follows that Allah does not do loom, Allah does not do a boon. And Allah says that, in the Hadith bootsy, I have made it haram for myself, and I have made it hard on for all of you as well, what is low volume is to put something in a place that it should not
be put in or to deprive something in a place it should be where it should be, and it is not there, this is what is this child should be in the life of the other parent, this child should have access to the other parent. And because of the pettiness, the first parrot has deprived, this is the essence of bloom, and it is a double bloom, it's two types of bloom or two individuals don't it is done upon your ex partner, and it is literally upon the child. So when a parent deprives without any justification, and again, all of these are to be understood, you know, without any justification, obviously, if there's a physical or emotional threat, if there's a genuine worry that one of the
parents will do something that will permanently harm or damage the child, obviously, that's a different story altogether. But even in that case, you have to have somebody. In other words, you can't just say, I think he's going to do this, okay, everybody, and he would like to say this about somebody they hate. Okay, but let a third party that is not emotionally invested, let a judge let a scholar examine the evidence and whatnot, and see what is the reality we cannot just blade based a verdict on your analysis of your ex because, as you understand that there's not going to be an accurate assessment, everybody's going to say, Oh, my ex is crazy, he gets angry all the time. Okay,
he got angry at you, does he get angry all the time? Is he physically violent towards children, you know, so these are things that need to be looked at by a person who is not emotionally invested. And yes, if there is an actual danger, without a doubt, that is a different story altogether, My point being that when there is no such excuse, or danger, and there is every right of the child and of the ex parent or the ex partner, two to meet one another, and one of the partners, one of the parents unjustly denies that, then volume has occurred to two people, and two people can come on the day of judgment and say to Allah against you, they can lodge a complaint in the court of law, and our
Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was very, very clear about the reality of boom, that in fact as we know from our shitty out from the Quran from the sooner we know that when it comes to our own sins, our own shortcomings that inshallah Allah is gulfood And Allah is the Rahim and if we ask is still far and we pray, if we fast if we go for Hajj, Allah shall forgive, forgive, forgive, as long as we turn to Him, no problem. But when it comes to the help of other people, when it comes to the rights of other human beings, then Allah zoa jen has said you have to get forgiveness from them. Allah azza wa jal has said it is between the two of you. And our Prophet Sal, Allahu Allah, he was
sending them warned us about the reality of the one who might pray and might fast and might read the Quran. But he takes or she takes the A tramples over the rights of other people and will law he for one parent to not allow the other parents access to the child out of spite. I swear by Allah, this is of the highest Doom that is imaginable. You are destroying the humanity of a mother or father and only those who are in that situation. They know the reality of this that you are killing the insides of a mother or father for no reason. And it is appropriate in that case for the other partner if it is looking to raise their hands up to Allah subhana wa tada and make dua against you. But why would
you do this? Do you have parents
Do your mother your father, Fear Allah and love your child, Fear Allah and love your child, Fear Allah on the day of judgment that you have to answer for what you have done. And for the sake of your child, calm down, swallow your pride and ego, overlook your own massive ego that is here and then say, for this child, I will sacrifice my ego. And I'll figure out a way to you know, share some time with the other partner. And like I said, if you need to go through a third party even to do that, and our profitsystem warned us, as I said that I was going to quote, the Hadith of the man who comes with a lot of good deeds or the woman on the Day of Judgment, lots of Koran and lots of you
know, a bidet and whatnot. But then our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that he has wronged this person, and stolen from that person, at least, but of that person, and he's done wrong to so many people. And so Allah will take all of these good deeds like mountains, and Allah will distribute them to everybody else, and he will end up bankrupt nothing on the Day of Judgment. Why? Because he was wronging other people. So what do you think is going to happen? When a child comes and says, Yeah, Rob, my mother forbade me from seeing my father for you, my entire childhood, my father prevented me from the love of a mother for my entire childhood. What are you going to say on
that day? What are you going to say, on that day when that mother or father who has lived for years, months decades, with that pain, with that suffering is going to complain to Allah? Where will all those has to go? Why would you give up your hessonite? Don't you understand, this is the height of volume to take the injustice from to people in this regard. So I warn you, I warn you against any type of volume, our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Of Voldemort varoma to an Yokoyama, injustice will come into darkness and grief, Luma tear implies darkness, anxiety, grief, volume, will bring you grief volume is going to harm you on the Day of Judgment. And so when I say again, I
have said this so many times in this in this q&a, but again, because it's a very sad topic, and I have received a lot of requests in this regard. And obviously, I cannot do anything other than give you these generic Q and A's and whatnot. But inshallah, if this is happening to somebody, you know, send them this response, and ask any that inshallah, if it's your cousin, your relative that is, you know, depriving, then you get involved. And I'm asking the family members, I'm asking the A lot of times as well, unfortunately, the arrogance is doesn't just come from the partner, it comes from the partner's mother and father, the partners, siblings, and they say no, because he divorced because
she did this, the children are not deserving to go there, and are either below again, the entire family becomes arrogant and says, because of the mistakes of the partner, the child was going to be deprived of the love of the other parent, please don't do this. And if you feel there might be a gray area, there might be an actual reason. Like I said, you don't be the judge, you cannot be judges, in your own case, you cannot be judges, in your own case, bring in a neutral party, go to a scholar, a share, who knows the shittier or even go to an elderly wise man who's lived through life and knows their realities and ask that, hey, these are the circumstances, you know, we're worried
about this aspect. Is this a good enough excuse that genuinely? Or do you think we are, you know, making this bigger than it is. And generally speaking, as I said, any type of concerns or issues it can be worked out. Now, one other thing that filter does not dictate is the times that are given to each of the parents. And this is something that the shady I did not come with. And in the modern Western systems, they have a very, very precise system, which might be actually counterproductive and intuitive, but that's my personal two cents that you this type of notion of this exact hours or this exact day or weekend, it is the way that they needed to operate. And if it works for them,
that's the nothing wrong with that per se. But ideally, ideally, parents when you're going through the divorce, then in that process, find an arbitrator who is going to listen to both of your cases and then decide what is going to work the best for the two of you what is going to work in terms of the children's education, the children start to be understandably as well as the two of you are in different countries, different states, you cannot just visit every day or every week, understandably, it becomes even more, you know, logistically difficult. So there has to be long periods without and then long periods with the other. This is not something that you can give a
generic answer to. On the contrary, you need to decide this via arbitration. And that is why both of the parents should find a third party, a mediator, a person who knows the shittier and also understands the laws of the land that they live in, and then reach a mutually agreed upon conclusion. And whatever that conclusion is, you cannot deprive the right of the child to visit the other parents or the parents to come visit as
You know, whatever they agree upon however, whatever frequency is agreed upon, like I said, the Shetty II does not come with frequencies the Sharia does not come with numbers. But it's just common sense that there should be the presence of the other partner in the life of the child. And in the end of the day, my advice to all of the people who were involved in this in this type of scenario is to make dua to Allah subhana wa tada to soften their hearts and to soften the hearts of their partners in this regard if they're the ones doing this injustice and to guide them to decide what is the best decision in this regard never forget the power of drop, never forget reaching out to Allah
subhana wa tada and asking him for his help and I may also make dua for all of you in the situation that may Allah subhana wa tada make your affairs easy for you. And may I also suggest that you read through the use of entative sudo su use have to understand that the type of pain that you're feeling, it is not new, it is the reality of being a father or a mother. And Allah has tested many people with different types of tests and this is a test for you and you will have comfort in profit your own and his trust in Allah subhana wa Tada. And eventually the reunion occurs and Shall I pray that as well. Your reunion will also occur soon insha Allah who died
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