Languages of Love

Yasir Qadhi


Channel: Yasir Qadhi

File Size: 60.05MB

Share Page

Episode Notes

EPIC Replay February 14, 2020


WARNING!!! AI generated text may display inaccurate or offensive information that doesn’t represent Muslim Central's views. Therefore, no part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever.

AI Generated Transcript ©

00:00:00--> 00:00:02

So don't worry kumara Missoula what a casual

00:00:04--> 00:00:44

Alhamdulillah we ask Allah azza wa jal for his blessings and Baraka, we praise Allah subhana wa Tada for every single blessing that he has given us, we ask Allah azza wa jal for hedaya and tofield and we thank Allah subhana wa Taala for having created us for having revealed to us the Quran, for having made us amongst the home of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, we thank Allah azza wa jal for gifting us the gift of the intellect and the gift of hearing and seeing and knowing. We thank Allah azza wa jal for gifting us the gift of family and the gift of friends and the gift of love as well. Because even love is a gift from Allah Subhana Allah to Allah, Allah subhana wa Tada

00:00:44--> 00:01:34

reminds us in the Quran, that he is the one who gifted us the concept of love. If Allah had desired he would have created a creation that does not have feelings. Think about that. If Allah had willed, the creation would have been very different than what it is. But when we rahmati he have his Rama Allah is saying, Allah azza wa jal wants to make things easy for us. Allah created us in a very specific manner, and of the things that he mentioned in the Quran. That woman IRT he of the miracles of Allah and kala kala come in and fusi come as version he has created from you, for you from amongst you. He has created for you from amongst you, Halaqaat Lakhan min and forsaken, he created

00:01:34--> 00:02:20

for you. He didn't have to. Allah didn't have to create the creation for each other. But Allah wanted to gift every gender with the other. Allah wanted to gift the man with the woman, the woman with demand because Allah knows we are weak. Allah Subhana Allah knows each one of us needs something that the other can offer. So halacha calm he created for you. This is for our benefit. Allah didn't have to do that. There is no benefit to Allah. It is a pure gift for us. halacha combed men and fusi come from you. Each one of the genders is from both genders. Every man is from a man and woman. Every woman is from a woman and man Haleakala comin and forsaken, you know, there's a

00:02:20--> 00:03:03

very popular book, which is actually a very good book and I encourage you to read it. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. So this author is saying we are alien to one another. Of course he's joking and there's an element of truth in that as well. But Allah is saying you are not aliens. Alhamdulillah you are both on planet Earth. Haleakala con men and forsaken we are from each other. In the other verse, Allah says vowel DOKO min bout, about genders bow dokkan min bow, each one of you is from the other. How can a man hate women? How can a woman hate a man when each one came from the other there can be no misogyny in Islam, there can be no hatred of the other gender in a human

00:03:03--> 00:03:49

being because every single every single gender comes from both genders. Calacatta Coleman and fusi come as large and he created for you from amongst you, your partner, your xojo your companion, and as watches the plural of both husband and wife, as watch does not mean just Allah created for men women know Allah created for the men women are for the women men, Allah created for the husband, the wife and for the wife, the husband, this is what as watch here means for every one of you Allah created the other halacha Fuschl as y Gen Y Why did Allah do this? For what reason? Later school no la ha so that you can and this is a very beautiful verse to school la ha Allah didn't say to school,

00:03:49--> 00:04:38

no ma to school, no la ha and this has a very profound meaning which if you want it to translate to English it can be you will find peace dwelling with her and she will find peace dwelling with you, your Sakina will be found when you are living with her and she will find her Sakina when she is living with you in harmony. Lita, schooner, la ha. What your honor being come my word written word Rama and Allah is the one that has placed between the two of you. Allah is the one that he has placed between the two of you my word, and Rama and mawatha is a very special type of love. It is a love of tenderness, a love of compassion. Ibaka you mentioned that the verb for love in Arabic,

00:04:39--> 00:04:59

there are more than 10 verbs for love. More than 10 verbs for love. English is a Miskin language compared to Arabic we have one verb one noun. We love money, we love our children. We love our lovers. We love the dunya will everything is the same love. In Arabic. There's more than 10 words for love. And one of them is mawatha

00:05:00--> 00:05:44

and murder is the type of love where you will sacrifice something for the comfort of the other more what that is the type of love that is nurturing your love will sacrifice your pleasure for the happiness of the other. That's what that means. Wood is a love that is nurturing. That's what it is. And Allah is saying the spouses, they have this type of love, they will sacrifice their own happiness for the happiness of the one whom they love. That is my word. And then Allah says, and I placed Rama, which is as you know, compassion and mercy between the two of you now, today's talk is not about this verse, it is about something that is somewhat different. And it is based upon a very

00:05:44--> 00:06:22

best selling book that around 1520 years ago, it really became a global bestseller, and it is called the languages of love. And I have read this book multiple times. And I basically Islam resized it, so don't give me the credit for the actual languages. But to this author is obviously not a Muslim, he's writing is a psychologist, a therapist, he is written from his own experience is something that is called the languages of love. These are five languages of love. I have read this book and I have summarized and Islam is sized gone through it and I have found Quran and Sunnah. And in my estimation, what I mean one of the things that I do I read books on many topics, whether it is you

00:06:22--> 00:06:58

know, management, whether it is leadership, whether it is speaking skills, whether it is love and romance, and I have found that so much wisdom that mankind has discovered, we will find it in the Quran and Sunnah, that a lot of these things that they're talking about, that they have discovered on their own from experience, we will find them in the Quran and Sunnah. And so a lot of my lectures have elicited him they're combining between the ultimate dunya and El Medina, that's what I think is very useful to do as well. And you know what it is true that sometimes they will tell us things that we don't know, and we will say things they do not know. And so as our prophets, Assam said,

00:06:58--> 00:07:33

knowledge and wisdom, it is the last item of the believer wherever he finds it, he will take it knowledge and wisdom, wherever you find it, you take it as long as it doesn't contradict our Quran and Sunnah, anything they come with, we can benefit from. So in this case, I took this author, you will find it online, it's called the five languages of love, or the languages of love. And I have Islamist sized it, and I have given much longer lectures. But today, I will give a short one, maybe around half an hour or so. And what he says this author, and he's a psychiatrist, he is a therapist, he has been counseling couples for many years. And so what he when he wrote this book 20 years ago,

00:07:33--> 00:08:25

he said, what he discovered was that people express and receive love in different ways. And a lot of times, one of the spouses is expressing love. But the other spouse, the language that they want to receive the love in is different than the language the spouse is expressing. And he gives a simple example, imagine if one, if the wife speaks Japanese, and the husband speaks Swahili, and the wife is saying, I love you in Japanese. And the husband doesn't speak Japanese, he speaks Swahili. So she can say a million times I love you, I love you, I love you. And the husband does not understand that language of love. And so the husband ends up saying my wife never loves me, even though she's

00:08:25--> 00:09:08

screaming at the top of her lungs, but he has not learned the language of love. In Japanese. Now, we're not talking about human languages, we're talking about expressions of love. So he in his therapy, he said these are five languages that we should all learn to recognize. So that in case our spouse is screaming in one language, we should be aware that okay, that is their language. And we will then appreciate also he says, It is very common, that the language you give loving might be different than the language you read, receive love, you want to give in one language you want to receive in another this is the the norm or the default, that a lot of times what you do when you are

00:09:08--> 00:09:52

in love, how you will express love is different than how you will receive it. So the goal of today's lecture is to go over these five languages, so that we understand now, which language is right, all of them are right. And all of these five are ways to show love. Even if you don't speak one of these languages. If you show love in them, your partner will understand but it is true. All of us might have one or two languages that we are more accustomed to. We want to receive love more in those languages. And our spouses are accustomed to giving love in another language. So we need to coordinate our languages of love. Do you understand the purpose of the talk then? Right. So the

00:09:52--> 00:10:00

purpose of today's talk is that the couples need to think and introspect. Those of you that are married now you and

00:10:00--> 00:10:37

realize your own marriage in these five languages you analyze yourself how do I express how do I want to receive then you look at your partner and you analyze him or her how is he or she expressing and wanting to receive those of you that are not married you can take notes as the 14th of February so plenty of time in sha Allah to be romantic or as Imam sub Why is it so hot in the masjid? He goes, this is the heat of love today. Mashallah. So, Imam SAAB is, you can blame him for that he wanted the Romans to be very harsh to Al Hamdulillah. So we will explain these five languages and give you evidences from the Quran and Sunnah about each one of them, we will find them in the spirit

00:10:37--> 00:11:21

of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the first and the most obvious language of love and this is the language that everybody begins in is verbal talk communication. To say I love you is definitely something that indicates love. And this is obviously one of the most common ways and one of the first ways when romance begins and when the marriage is taking place and whatnot. This is definitely one of the things that is said. And there is even a hadith in adatta cockney sunnah Dada Coatney with a slight weakness in his chain, but it is a part of the Sierra and is not a problem to do to mention a hadith about the Sierra that have a slight weakness that Aisha Radi Allahu anha once

00:11:21--> 00:11:47

asked the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that she asked the Prophet SAW Selim ya rasool Allah K for her, Booker B. How is your love for me? How was your love for me? Now pause here, husbands. One of the things that we are totally clueless about, we are completely clueless about is that women need constant reaffirmation of love.

00:11:49--> 00:12:30

Issues asking you how to Sula How is your love for me? This is human nature. Women want to be reassured constantly men once we get married and then the guy takes place Hollis we are in for the long run, fellas, we don't need we know that's it. But women are different. They Allah created them differently. They want that reassurance constantly. So here's our mother Aisha saying Ya rasool Allah K for her book, how is your love for me? And our prophecies and replies and look at the poetic response. And of course in Arabic, it sounds even better in English. It's even not bad in English, but he said like a tight knot. Right? Like the tight knot. You know, when the knot knot is tighten

00:12:30--> 00:13:12

up like a tight knot means it's permanent. It's always there like a tight knot. And it is done. The hadith goes on that every once in a while I show would tease the process and especially if there's something going on issue, how was the knot right now? Was it still tight? How is the knot right now. So this really shows this is what we call the language of love that you actually have. And also another key point is that there are key phrases that couples have for one another phrases that are inside jokes that only they have. And this is a sign of Healthy Love that even our Prophet system had a pet name for our Isha. Do you know this? He had multiple pet names for Anisha he called her MA

00:13:12--> 00:13:53

Ra. He called her Omar Abdullah and he called her yah ish. She cut off the timer Bucha I you know when you just out of love, you change the name a little bit, right? We all do this in our culture, just change the name. Nobody on Earth called her out ish other than our Prophet sallallahu sallam, and he would sometimes use a yah, yah, ish like this. And subhanAllah this is what we call the language of love saying you love your partner having these inside jokes that you know go back to when we were married or something happened or incident and bringing it up over and over again. And also, a lot of us especially in the cultures that we come from us men especially, we feel that we

00:13:53--> 00:14:39

are somehow not masculine. If we show the soft side to our wives, we feel that we are somehow betraying our masculinity if we really show our wives how much we love them. And honestly, that is not only foolish, it's just not true is not only wrong, it's factually incorrect. And it's gonna harm the marriage. Our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in a culture that was far more pseudo macho than ours, a pseudo motto is not real Maciunas it's pseudo macho, in a culture that was far more, if you like, demonstrating of a version of masculinity than ours is. And nobody mentioned love for women publicly. We all know the famous Hadith in Sahih Bukhari when a Bedouin came and he said,

00:14:39--> 00:15:00

Yeah, rasool Allah, Who do you love the most men have been nasty like, and everybody understood that he is intending, who do you love the most speaking in amongst the people sitting in front of you? And the interesting point when I process them said this hadith issue is not in the audience.

00:15:00--> 00:15:46

He is not saying what he is saying. So that our issues ears hears. He is saying this to make a point that in a society which it is taboo for a man to say how much he loves his wife, in a society where people think it's not masculine or something to confess that He loves his wife, in front of the whole Masjid where all the major Sahaba is there, he says, Isha. And the man himself became embarrassed law school, Allah, I didn't mean that I meant amongst the men, even he got embarrassed. But I process them. Don't you think he understood? I mean, don't you think he understood the purpose of the question? Ask yourself, why is he mentioning his wife's name? The language of love? Sure. She

00:15:46--> 00:16:26

wasn't sitting there. Don't you think within 10 minutes, the news would have spread all the way back. Don't you think the whole city of Medina would be buzzing our process of announced his love for Asia? And how do you think I should feel? See this is what you call love. This is what you call announcing love. You want to solidify your marriage. You want your spouse to love you, and you love them back? Why is it it not masculine? Why is it wrong to announce to the world that yes, I love my wife the most. So in front of all the men he announced his Isha, then, of course, the man becomes flustered. No, no, I didn't mean women, I meant amongst the men. And even then, as we know, he

00:16:26--> 00:17:13

linked the one man whom he knew, decades before he married, our Isha. He's still linked him through our Isha, whom he's only been married to for less than a decade. He said, amongst her men, her father amongst the men, her father, even though he knew her father, even before she was born, and he knew her father for 40 plus 50 plus years. But now the love that He has for our Isha needs to be demonstrated. Her father is the one that I love the most amongst the men. This is what we mean the language of love is number one language you say it, dear husbands, there is nothing wrong. In fact, it is Islamic, and it is common sense to affirm love, verbally for your wife. And unfortunately,

00:17:13--> 00:17:55

many of us we, we feel awkward to even express our love to our wives saying I love you never grows old no matter how old you are, the love should still be young. And if you don't want to say this word say it in different ways, like our Prophet system, he said in different ways as well. There's also a beautiful Hadith about an it's too long to mention all of it, but it's insoluble Hadees like two pages long. It's essentially Isha saying 12 different stories or 11 different stories of what happened in Germany. It's a fable of this, this, this, this 11 different. And the last one was a very beautiful story where there was a strong love between the husband and the wife, and in it is

00:17:55--> 00:18:38

Abu Zahra and Alma Zara, and our Prophet sallallahu sallam said out of all of these stories are our Isha. My love for you is like the love of Abu Zahra for Amira, except that in your fable of Busara, divorces or misery, and I'm never going to divorce you. Right now. She's just telling a story. She just saying something. And the Prophet says some tax on something that is not a part of the story. She he didn't have to say, oh, out of all of these, beloved that he has, that's my love for you, except that it's permanent. He didn't have to do that. But he's using an opportunity to express his love to his wife. Isha See, this is how you're going to make that marriage very strong. So having

00:18:38--> 00:19:20

that verbal language of love having that positive sentiment, it is something that expresses love. Now, the flip side of this, the opposite side of this is to be negative when you speak, to always put the other party down to say something that is demeaning or emotionally hurtful. How can a marriage flourish when every second or third statement is meant to hurt the other person? How can a marriage flourish, be careful, and even if something needs to be said, even if something needs to be pointed out? Try to change the language into something positive rather than negative. For example, simple example. And again, I don't want to be too stereotypical. But sometimes let's say the default

00:19:20--> 00:19:59

is in most couples. Let's say the wife is going to cook more than the husband let's say so let's say the husband is irritated and let's say food isn't being cooked, okay? Rather than saying that, can't you ever cook some food? Can't you ever cook a decent meal? Flip it around and say, remember that biryani you made biryani is always mashallah language of love. That's another language of love. Okay, remember that biryani you made two weeks ago? I really miss it. The same sentiment is done. I really missed that dish that you cooked. Imagine if you said that rather than saying Why can't you cook a good meal? The same sentiment you miss a meal. You really want that but you phrase it

00:19:59--> 00:19:59


00:20:00--> 00:20:47

Have you put the spin on it? And now perhaps the spouse will be enthusiastic and do it out of genuine love rather than hate and being forced to do it. So the point is that this is what you call words of affirmation, you affirm your love you say something that is positive. And one of the most important ways to do this is to praise your partner to say something good about your partner, husbands husbands, always compliment your wife no matter what she's wearing, she says how do you think this looks? The answer is don't think do not think at all say Masha Allah Tabata Hola, you have to give good words here. Okay? And of course obviously, I shouldn't say this out too loud, but

00:20:47--> 00:21:30

it's on the microphone everything. Remember we are allowed to exaggerate a little bit when it comes to spousal issues Okay, and hamdulillah our Prophet sallallahu sallam said that what a husband and wife say to one another this hadith in Bukhari, there is no COVID there's no lying what does this mean? What does this mean? Subhan Allah some of our brothers mashallah, there's so much tea, there's so much Turkey. They think they have to be honest, when their wives asked them how they look in the dress that they're wearing the whole foods in a villa. No, don't dig your graves that early. Okay. You are allowed to mashallah Tabata kala put some syrup and sugar, and Allah is not going to punish

00:21:30--> 00:22:11

you for the love language over here. Okay. And I'm being serious here that Subhanallah Why do you think our prophets have actually said, there is no Kozub in a man and a wife, a husband and wife talking with one of the Why do you think he said this? Because he's opening the door. Go ahead and sweet talk one another. I mean, well, I think about on a serious note, why do you think there's a hadith in Bukhari, that a husband and wife when they are romantic with one another, he is describing her she is praising him? Go ahead and say whatever you want hamdulillah is good for you for the marriage. Why do you think he even says this? Because he wants to shake show you words of

00:22:11--> 00:22:57

affirmation, wives as well. Don't always put your husband's accomplishments down. Like everything has to be a sarcastic thing. No. Praise. Dank. Say that you appreciate the job promotion, oh, you only got one raise, not three raises. No, praise it a little bit more. Even if you are frustrated that only you got one raise after three years, whatever. Praise it, Masha, Allah, I support you in that one word Subhanallah you will increase his love for you so much, by word of affirmation, your respect, and your support is going to go light years in his love for you. So both husbands and wives first language of love is the most obvious tongue. And we don't just mean I love you, which is

00:22:57--> 00:23:45

important. We mean positive words, words of affirmation, words of encouragement, words that are meant to uplift the spirit. This is the first language of love, the second language of love, the second language of love. And this is a language that generally speaking, generally, again, everything is general, women love to receive, but men find difficult to give. Okay, and it is the language of time, the language of time. This is the language that it shows you care why? Because we all have 24 hours in the day. And what you choose to do with those 24 hours shows your priorities that is obvious, isn't it? Right? All of us have commitments left, right and center. If we wanted

00:23:45--> 00:24:34

to, we could take on commitments we don't need. The fact that we take on a commitment shows is going to come at the expense of something else. So we are prioritizing. Therefore. A woman wants to experience love by time. So the wife usually complains that he doesn't spend time with me and us husbands will like we come home, you know at 7pm and we leave the house wherever at you know eight right there. That's 13 hours a day multiplied by five done on the weekend. So he is thinking clock time. But you see when the wife is asking for time, she is not asking clock time, she is asking Attention. Attention, quality time, not quantity. You see, we only have one Saturday evening. And if

00:24:34--> 00:25:00

you choose to go play cricket with your friends on Saturday evening, okay? What you've done is you've demonstrated to your wife that you've taken your most choices timeframe, the timeframe, well, you're relaxed, you're calm, she's looking forward to it, let's say and you're like, No, I'm gonna go and watch the match. I'm gonna go so she feels slighted not because of the clock time, but because of quality.

00:25:00--> 00:25:42

A tee time. Now I'm not saying that we all met I understand we, I mean, especially my wife knows this I have to do what I have to do what not. But my point is both partners need to know, one of the most important languages of love is time, quality time. And husbands and wives needs to talk frankly with one another. Yes, us men, we have our needs. We have our man cave want to go in and not be disturbed. We'll have our time with whatever news, sports whatever we're doing fine, understandable. But we also need to understand our wives also want our time and they have hacked over our time. So we need to schedule quality time husbands. When you say to your wife, we will spend this time

00:25:42--> 00:26:26

together this means the television has to be off it means the remote has to be away from your hand. I know that's very difficult to let go especially as the wife is talking and they know that's not quality time means the magazine has to be shut and you have to pay attention spend actual time and our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa salam would spend quality time with his wives every single day and week. Isha says that even though the general rule he told the Sahaba that try to go to sleep after Isha and those days they will sleep after Isha pray to her Julia Professor Isha says that the Prophet system would speak to me after Orisha meaning at nighttime when everybody else was asleep.

00:26:26--> 00:26:49

He would speak to me until late night, and we all know the famous incident and Sahih Bukhari as well. That our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. He famously once told the Sahaba they were going on a caravan that he told us how do you guys go forward and leave me without Isha? And he then raised her in the desert, he raised her, and the first time Movietone

00:26:50--> 00:27:34

I saw the law, Hannah beat the Prophet sallallahu sallam, then a few months or a few years later, the same thing happened and he beat her. And then he said, This one makes up for the first one. This is what we call quality time. Literally, he got rid of every other engagement literally. This is what we call when we're talking about time. He told the Sahaba leave me Give me some time with our Isha. How do you think our mother Aisha felt? How do you think in public he is giving this time he's gonna re and by the way, doing a race. You think you are serious and important? You think it's demeaning for you to play with your wife and children over the biller to Biller, our Prophet says

00:27:34--> 00:28:12

that um, and he is Rasul Allah, the One whom Allah sent the Quran down on. And he is playing a race with his wife. Think about that. And when you do a race, what must you do? On your mark, get set, go, we're going to begin here, we're going to end there. That's all a part of the race, right? And he's doing that race without Israel, the Allah why now, this is what we mean by quality time, when our wives ask us, you never spend time with me. This is what they mean. What our profit system has spent time with our mother, Isha and as well as our Calaca. And as well in the famous incident of the Abyssinians

00:28:13--> 00:28:51

of the Abyssinians playing in the masjid. The Abyssinians came and they had acrobatics that they're doing, they're throwing their spears and they're jumping up and down. They're doing arts of war, right? Pause your footnote Subhanallah we have really lost the spirit of Islam and we have made Islam so different and difficult than it is. I swear to you if we had acrobats in the masjid, and if I brought them in, you would take their spirits and throw them at me. So oh, the biller is doing this in the masjid. And our Prophet system is having the Abyssinian hubba Shep playing and jumping and throwing their spears in the masjid it's nothing wrong with his Hello nothing is wrong. They're

00:28:51--> 00:29:33

They're demonstrating their skills and all the Sahaba are surrounding them. Okay, and I you know, from my talks Nam and I think we have really lost a lot of the spirit of Islam we made Islam so strict and difficult and very and is there any surprise that our children anyway, let me go no, go down there. Islam is read the Sierra, read the CEO of our Prophet system, read the hadith of how Islam was practiced. And you will see we are making it much more difficult than it needs to be in any case. So all of the Sahaba are surrounding the haberdasher as they're playing inside the Masjid. Our Prophet system realizes that the women cannot see. Look, he is thinking about the women. He

00:29:33--> 00:29:58

realized that the woman cannot see. So he stands up and goes to his door when he is at his door. Now, you all should know the door like you see this exit door here. The door of the processes house was essentially like that. You walk from the masjid to the house. There's a private door. And then he had another door that for the reverse visitors. He has a private door from his house to the masjid only he will use it that's it

00:30:00--> 00:30:16

And I will process them then stood at the door when he standing at the door. What do you think the Sahaba are going to do that are between him and the Habesha? What are they going to do? Make way open space, because respect for him. Now that the space has been open, he says, I shall come.

00:30:17--> 00:31:05

Alright, you should come. And our Isha comes. And she was shorter than the Prophet salallahu alayhi salam. So she said, I had to stand on my tiptoes. And I put my chin on his shoulder, and I touched my cheek with his cheek. And he covered me with his shawl. So that obviously, hijab is being done. He covered me with a shawl, and I stood and watched and watched and watched until I got tired of watching, but I decided to stand just to see how long he would stand with me. And he continued to stand until my feet got tired. Then I said, Okay, enough Yasuda Hola.

00:31:07--> 00:31:20

I am embarrassed to say we say I don't have time for our wives. I'm embarrassed to say this. We say I don't have time. Do you think my schedule and your schedule is busier than his and he was sent as cotterman MBR.

00:31:22--> 00:32:00

And yet he is standing for his wife sallallahu alayhi wa sallam only for his will he does not need to see his sin one minute, what is he going to, but and even Aisha says, even I got tired. I just wanted to see how long is he going to stay until finally my own feet got tired. And I said okay, enough. jasola This is what we mean, quality time. This is what we mean. Next time we are our wives want attention. What are you know what I understand, sometimes we come home, we're not in the mood to talk, then you tell your spouse, you tell your wife, you know what, now's not a good time, give me an hour, or give me three hours or give me Saturday, whatever it is, you but you need to

00:32:00--> 00:32:42

understand. If you want your marriage to flourish, both partners need to give quality time and quality time. Really it means attention. That's what it means. It's not clock time, it is attention. It is that you sit down and you make everything clear. And then you pay attention. And that's what it is focused attention, undivided attention. And you listen. And also, dear husbands do your men understand as well. And this is something that is mentioned in the very famous book, men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and jokes aside, it really is a very good book, a very good book, I strongly encourage all of you, the author is a very religious Christian. And there's nothing in the

00:32:42--> 00:33:19

book that is an Islamic, really, there's hardly anything I can even think of that is even remotely on Islamic. It's just a book of psychology. And it's about men and women are, how different they are. And one of the things that he mentioned, and he is one of the top psychotherapist of America therapist, and a psychiatrist and whatnot. And John Gray, famous author. And he basically mentioned this is well known now that men are solution givers. And women, they want to bounce ideas by talking. And this is one of the biggest sources of clash. women just want to express themselves. And from our perspective, they just seem to be talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, right? We

00:33:19--> 00:34:01

don't understand through their talking. That is how they are finding comfort and solutions. Where as we come along, we just want to shut them up and give the answer right there. And then our wives think no quality time. Most of the time when our wives come in, they talk to us about the problems, what happened, what not, they're not wanting a solution. They just want a sympathetic ear. That's all. I know, it's difficult for us to hear and not speak. It's really difficult for us to not give a solution. But that give it a try. Just listen. And empathize. Just say that must have been difficult. Yeah, I can see why you were frustrated. Just comment. And you will see how rather than

00:34:01--> 00:34:40

trying to solve immediately, just listen. Just listen. And then would you like me to offer a suggestion now or is just you just wanted to, you know, air it out. You even just ask and then see what happens psychologically, men and women are very different. When I come to you for a problem. The only reason I'm telling you my problem is what? I want a solution, or else I would never come to for a problem, right? Why would I tell you my problem? Unless I think you might have an answer for me. That's why I'm coming to you. Well, we don't understand most men, women are different. They talk through their problems by talking about the problem, and they'll find their own solution. Even if

00:34:40--> 00:34:47

you don't give it it's not the main concern what you're gonna say. So that is quality time language number two, language number three.

00:34:49--> 00:34:59

Language number three is the language of gift giving the language of giving something to the other a physical item that is handed over by one, two

00:35:00--> 00:35:13

The other and our Prophet system explicitly mentioned this as a language of love. In a hadith that is only two words, two word Hadith that explicitly affirms that gifts are a language of love. What are the two words

00:35:14--> 00:36:01

to her daughter, her daughter had to have Bucha, her daughter her boo, to her daughter, her boo, give her the year, you will love one another. This is an explicit affirmation that giving her the year is a language of love, and giving her idea Another difference between men and women, us men, if our wives had, let's just say $1,000 that they're going to get in a year for a gift for us, us men, we would want that she saves that 1000 to that one time of the year, and gives us that expensive watch or the tool set or that whatever it is fishing gear, or in my case, scuba diving gear, whatever it might be, okay, we want the expensive gift, even if it's once every blue moon. Fair

00:36:01--> 00:36:45

enough. Men, wives are not that way. They want frequent gifts, even if they're free, a gift that shows you're thinking about them. And I'll never forget when I was newly married in Medina, and all of us were new, newly married back then that we were batch of students there in Medina. And so all of our first years we were all discussing the strange nature of women, right? And I have a friend of mine, he was just newly married at that time. First few months. He goes, women are strange creatures. He told me, women are strange creatures. I said, Well, now what happened? So he said, You know, I want to get the newspaper. And I got my wife, a Twix candy bar, right, and brought it home

00:36:45--> 00:37:30

and she literally was jumping for joy that you got me a Twix say Calm down. It's just a Twix mean, he couldn't understand like, it was so happy. But in hindsight, even I understand now this I didn't understand what they were laughing at this, the fact that you thought of your wife. That's what she wanted. The Twix bar is irrelevant, a small thing. The fact that you when you went to the store, and you thought you will let me get something from my wife, something small like this. And us husbands, we need to understand our women. Of course, they all love the expensive stuff as well. But if we have $1,000 Take a small amount for the big gift and the rest of it divide by maybe 20. And every

00:37:30--> 00:38:06

two weeks every week, just give something small. And that small gift will sustain the love. Yes. Once in a while you need the large gift the wedding anniversary, if you don't know my position, wedding anniversary is not only halal, it will sustain your marriage I actually say it is most the hub to do this, actually listen to my lecture, have it online. There is no bid and no haram people who say this, I very strongly disagree and they don't understand what it is. We don't expect Allah to reward us for celebrating wedding anniversary. There's no bit out in that there's nothing wrong with remembering this. There's nothing wrong with having a romantic dinner with your wife or

00:38:06--> 00:38:09

something like this. There's nothing wrong with this. But in any case,

00:38:11--> 00:39:05

the issue comes of course of constant gift giving. So it doesn't even have to be monetary. You know, some of the best gifts are not money. For example, if you were to write a card for your wife, something from the heart personal point, no matter how cheesy or dumb you think it is, believe you me, it will impact the marriage believe you meet is gonna go a long way. Because it's the thought that counts again, us men, we are way too critically over analytical. We analyze until we stagnate. What if she makes fun of what if what if, and in that we do nothing. We stink so much that it makes us do nothing to just do just something small, something trivial. And guys, flowers are always in

00:39:05--> 00:39:11

season. No problem. Go give no problem. You know, I remember a teacher taught a class many, many years ago and

00:39:13--> 00:39:57

we're teaching class about Sierra and what not one of the sister said, Did our processing ever give flowers to our mothers? I said Subhanallah dear sister in Arabia, right in Medina, where do you think flowers are going to come? But I will tell you and I gave her many romantic examples of them is the prophecies that I'm drinking some milk taking the milk of Isha and he turned the glass around and where her lips came. He made a point to put the lips right where her lips were he she handed the glass this way. As you said he turned it around. And he looked at me and where my lips where he then did something so small. This is what we call romance something so trivial. So you the point is you

00:39:57--> 00:40:00

want to demonstrate to your wife that

00:40:00--> 00:40:39

You're thinking about your you're loving her. And in our culture, this is cultural, how do you express love in our culture, it is by giving a flower giving a card it is by remembering the day you got married, all of these things are meant to keep the marriage alive. And therefore, gift giving is one of the languages of love. And therefore make this a point. husbands don't think only of monetary gifts, even something that is very small, even something that is free. Like I said, like write something on a card. Or if you're, you know, some flower is there that is permissible for you to pluck that will be something that you know, you just thought of me, as the saying goes, the is the

00:40:39--> 00:41:17

thought that counts. This especially applies for women, us men were a little bit more selfish and greedy, we want the thought and an expensive gift. So for us, if our wives give us once every few months or a year, we're happy, we got the big gift like that. But for women, it is the other way around, this is the third language of love, two languages left Inshallah, then we're done the fourth language, the fourth language of love, is the language of helping the language of chores, the language of doing what is typically the responsibility of the other two, do you see in every marriage, husband and wife routine works out? One couple does this, the other couple does that

00:41:17--> 00:42:03

that's the routine. Every once in a while each partner should try to do what is reasonable that the other partner typically does, why? To demonstrate, I'm not taking you for granted to demonstrate that I appreciate what you are doing. And this is, for example, a simple example is housework. Again, I'm not trying to say this is ideal, I'm simply saying the stereotypical norm is that women generally do more housework than the men, this is the stereotypical norm. I'm not saying it is Islamic. And I'm just saying that's what usually happens, husbands, if our Isha herself told us are the Allahu anha that our Prophet system would milk his own goat, and he would mend his own shoes.

00:42:03--> 00:42:44

And he would cook his own and prepare his own food. Now, I should have said this. A lot of husbands jump on this and say, Ah, sorry, a lot of our wives. But I asked the women as well, do you think that our Isha would just sit and do nothing or the Allahu anha? What she is saying, Our Prophet system was not a commanding husband, do this cook my food, man, my shoes, he was not like that, if something needed to be done, and he could do it, he would stand up and do it. Now, do you think that I should just sit and do nothing? No, when she is there, she will do it. But he's not the commanding type. This is the ideal situation. Of course, even in the household of the Prophet system, our

00:42:44--> 00:43:22

mothers cooked, that's the default. We know this from many a hadith, she would prepare food and put it in front, but he would not be commanding or this and that. And if something needed to be done, he wouldn't say fetch me water, he would stand up and do it. And if our Isha saw, she would go and do it for him, but he wasn't that commanding type. So it's really important that both husbands and wives, they try to appreciate what the other is doing, and not take it for granted. Husbands, if your wife is the one that is regularly cooking, every once in a while just so you know what you're cooking. I see you, Michelle everyday, today, let's go out or even more than this, and I hope my

00:43:22--> 00:44:00

wife's not sitting here because I never do this. Cook yourself. I'll be the first to say this is not possible for me, I don't want to food poisoning my children. So in my case, it will not be allowed to cook, I have not I'm embarrassed to say I have not cooked a meal, a proper meal since my bachelor days. But that's because I don't know how to cook. Unless you want to say boiling eggs or something that's fine. But I it's not my forte. If I do it, I will completely mess up the food. So but my wife knows this, if she's sitting here she can testify to this. My wife knows this. I say anytime you cannot cook, no problem, we will order out you have an open license from me No problem. I'm not

00:44:00--> 00:44:37

putting any burden on you. If you cannot cook, no problem, just tell me we'll order or we'll go out or we'll order something no problem. I don't want to put that burden on you. So point is there should be given take that whatever is the default, right? Suppose, you know, the husband typically does one chore, whether it's the garbage taking whatever once in a while, let the wife take charge and say I appreciate what you're doing. What this shows is that you're not taking the other person for granted. And you're appreciating what they are doing. And these small acts, they really go a long way. And especially husbands, especially our wives, really they do the bulk and the brunt of

00:44:37--> 00:44:59

the household chores. And it is human nature. After a while they begin to feel cheap and they begin to feel like you're just treating me like a servant. All they do is I cook and I clean it I would do this and it's human nature. We would feel the same. And we know this when our wives leave for a week or two and we see how much work they have to do. We are so grateful when they come back right

00:45:00--> 00:45:39

When we have to take charge for that, two, three days, it looks like two, three years. Okay? When that bowl doesn't magically disappear, and it's still there, what do we come back? Why did it go away? We just expect to Disappear magically right? When the food isn't automatically put in front of us just comes from heaven, we actually have to cook then we realize how much our women do. Look, what do you expect is going to happen day in, day out week in, week out, year in, year out. And especially if you add to this children on taking care of the children and rearing the children, it might even lead to a mental instability if she's not appreciated, right? Agreed. We have our jobs

00:45:39--> 00:46:15

and we're paying for what not agreed there's a lot going on there as well. And it's understandable, but it doesn't excuse that we should not take it for granted. Now flip side as well. Women, our with our sisters, we talked about this issue of chores and responsibilities. Realize one of the languages of love that most women do not appreciate. But men are screaming at the top of their lungs. So this is important, guys. Now, I've done to you guys a lot. Now I'll give you a little bit of Hello, Prudential. Okay, give a little bit of ladoos here.

00:46:17--> 00:46:36

One of the most common languages of love that men are the best in expressing but women do not hear is the language of taking care of the responsibilities of finances. This is a language of love.

00:46:38--> 00:46:45

Would you give your paycheck 7080 90% to a stranger every single month.

00:46:46--> 00:47:11

The very fact that a man goes to work spends 80%, or more of his income on his family consistently. Without even one grumble. Happily writes, This is the house payment. This is the bills this is that this is what I have to do understands it. And doesn't. This is what a man is supposed to do. And he does it.

00:47:12--> 00:47:24

This is a language of love. That shows we care about this person. Why would we do it if we didn't care? And this is a language of love, that the other party generally speaking

00:47:25--> 00:47:26

is not receiving.

00:47:27--> 00:47:45

And she will feel he doesn't love me. Why? Because he doesn't do language number one speaking, or language number two, what was language? No two guys? Did you take notes? No idea what it is? Then how are you going to express the languages then? You are Mr. romantic man.

00:47:47--> 00:47:49

That means you have to memorize what is the second language of love.

00:47:51--> 00:48:39

Time, quality, time, quality time. So she is saying she is saying he never says he loves me. He never spends time with me. This means he doesn't love me. And he for 10 years 90% of his income is for the house. And she is ignoring this language completely. And he doesn't even realize there's a crisis because in his eyes, how can there be a problem? I'm taking care of you taking care of the kids? Why is there an issue because he is screaming the language of love in his Swahili and she doesn't speak Swahili. She's waiting for the Chinese language you get my point here, right. So both parties need to understand the languages of love, dear wives, the very fact that your husband is

00:48:39--> 00:49:21

consistently taking care of the finances, this means he loves you or else you wouldn't be taken care of. Now, I'm not saying that's the only language remember we said there are other languages right? But both parties need to understand there is love. And this is language number four, helping the other out chores responsibilities, we take our wives, generally speaking, being stereotypical but again, generally speaking, we take our wives housekeeping for granted. But vice versa, our wives take the house for granted. They take the finances for granted. And we both need to appreciate each other more and understand that that is the language of love. Okay, and this leads us to our fifth

00:49:21--> 00:50:00

language of love. And that is the language of the physical touch the language of the physical touch five and five is five A and five B. Five V is obviously the act of intimacy and that is clearly an aspect of marriage and it is something that Allah subhanho wa Taala wants us to be happy in this is explicit in the Quran, who know the boss will look and want to leave us alone. I started with a five b by the way, because five A is something we don't think about I started with five B five B is the act of intimacy the conjugal Act is a very important manifestation. Now, generally speaking, again, I have to be stereotypical stative

00:50:00--> 00:50:45

Stickley wise, for most men, this is a very important language. And a lot of times, in most couples across all cultures, not just Muslim culture, but across the globe. Most couples, the man will complain about five B, they don't get enough of five be okay, don't get enough of the this language of love. But see. And of course, sometimes is the other way that the wife is complaining. And it's true both ways. But the majority is that the men are complaining. And this is, again, across all cultures. But see, one of the reasons why is that the other four languages and language five A is not given. So when the wife is not getting any of the four, and we're going to come to five A I'm

00:50:45--> 00:51:33

waiting for to the end, don't worry, but I'm trying to explain to you, when she is not receiving any language of love. She doesn't feel like giving the language of five B, she doesn't feel appreciated. Five B, the language of intimacy becomes a chore. She begins to despise it sometimes, oh, he only comes to me when he needs me. He takes me for complete advantage. He has no clue as to the effort, the sacrifice, the love, the dedication, he only comes to me for one night of his and it becomes a burden and a chore rather than becoming the most beautiful, the most romantic, the most intimate why? Because either the husband is not expressing or she is not understanding the other languages

00:51:33--> 00:52:05

the first four and five, eight. And now we get to five A, we understand what five B is is very clear. What is five A, this is a language that women love more than men, generally speaking, and it deals with the physical touch, the physical touch, that has nothing to do with five B, do you understand this point, the physical touch that is not meant to get to intimacy. For most men, any touch needs to go the whole way. And this becomes a burden. This becomes a chore

00:52:06--> 00:52:19

Can you believe and this is a Hadith in a Buddha owed. And to me the and other books that our mother Isha says, the first thing the Prophet system did when he entered upon us was that he would kiss us this authentic hadith.

00:52:20--> 00:53:04

Just to kiss, guys, you can actually give a kiss. And that's it. I know, it's shocking to many of you. But that's it, you can stop right there. You don't have to go any more than that a hug, just a hug a back massage. And without going anywhere else. That's it just Oh, you're cooking, you must be tired. That's it. Nothing more than that. You don't expect anything more, guess what, if you don't expect anything more, you might actually get something more. This is the point, you show the language of love, and genuine love, and you appreciate. And when you do that, then she herself might open up and want to give a language that you want to hear. So five A is just a physical touch that

00:53:04--> 00:53:29

is meant to show that you appreciate her, whether it's a peck on the cheek, whether it is kiss, whether it is a hug, something that is just a touch that is not necessarily sexual in nature is just a touch of physical touch. And in fact, a survey was done by this author who did this book that a survey was done that the majority of men only touch their wives when they're expecting the full way.

00:53:31--> 00:53:37

And this survey demonstrated that most women then begin to find that touch repulsive.

00:53:38--> 00:54:03

They don't want to be touched then that's the only reason they start feeling used. They start feeling that oh, you only want me for that. And therefore we need to break this barrier by even showing that our profit system Why would he do this in fact as well that we learned from and again, these are things we don't have that much details because we shouldn't but what we do it is very clear that this language was demonstrated by our profit system for example

00:54:05--> 00:54:46

that I showed her the alarm so long story, but she did a favor to one of the other wives under the other mothers and so the other mother she agreed to swap her night without Isha okay. So I should get an extra night because this was agreed upon them, and so Isha, then when the Prophet system came, and he would visit all of his wives before ending with the wife that the night whose turn it is, when he went to his house, Aisha said, I sat next to him she's being generic here. The process was said or Ayesha, it's not your night. i She said, Oh, but I swapped with her. Don't worry. Okay, what does it mean? I sat next to him talking about the language of touch, the language of touch that

00:54:46--> 00:54:59

is indicating something more. And the process is understanding what is going on. It's not your night now. Actually, oh, don't worry. I have negotiated with the other we did something for ideas on the four etc. This is what we call the language of touch with

00:55:00--> 00:55:40

She needs to be done. The unexpected kiss the hug something that is just genuine love. And that is why even we learned from the Hadith in Bukhari that every time I process him went home before he entered his house, he would do the miswak. Our scholars say, so that his breath was fresh. Why do you think his breath has to be fresh when he enters the house, think about it. Okay, he first thing he would do before this is outside the door. That's why the Sahaba watching, he would use the miswak. This is what you call the perfect marriage, you want your wife to love you, wife, you want your husband to love you as well, you need to express these languages of love and understand these

00:55:40--> 00:55:52

five languages, then each one of you needs to see think about these five languages. Because you didn't write them down, I have to go over them again now, but I'm going to put you on the spot. I want you all to memorize them. The first language is

00:55:54--> 00:55:58

words, words doesn't just mean I love you. It also means what?

00:55:59--> 00:56:41

positive words affirmation, encouragement, praising the other, say good things rather than negative. The second language of love, quality time, and what does time really mean? Attention attention, you actually and you negotiate. Because we all have our needs, wives, your husband's need their private time, especially when they come home, they just want to open the newspaper or watch the news. That's their version of relaxing. But husbands you also need to give that quality time to your wives as well negotiate sit down, put your schedule, and both have to compromise. Yes, it's not the most romantic thing that you have to schedule quality time, but it is better than nothing. That's number

00:56:41--> 00:56:42

two. Number three,

00:56:44--> 00:56:53

giving gifts and we said the general rule women want frequent frequency over price and the general rule men want

00:56:55--> 00:57:34

expensive, the kid knows my shoulder, you're gonna go far. I'm never worried about you. At this age, you're already taking too good notes. How old are you? Oh my god, either heilala, it's a little bit too young for you to have these Well, notes is going to be more shallow. Okay. So the third language is the language of gift giving, right. And gifts don't have to be monetary, can be free. It's the point of giving something the point of remembering, right? Something you thought of, and you brought it back for the other partner. So this the third language, the language of gift giving language, number four, chores and responsibilities, doing something for the other, right taking, understanding

00:57:34--> 00:58:18

that you know what my partner's doing something for me, right? And we said this language, especially for men, they need to understand the daily chores that their women their wives do. And especially for women, they need to look at the financial aspect of the marriage. And these are things that demonstrate love taking place, don't take it for granted. And then the final language of love was the language of the physical touch five, A is non intimacy, anything like that. And five B is of course, the actual act of intimacy. These are the five languages of love and realize the more you understand that your spouse is giving you love, the more you will give back to your spouse, this is

00:58:18--> 00:58:57

not the case, right? It's human nature, right? So the problem comes, a lot of times, we are not hearing our spouse, they might be saying the language, the very fact that your wife is taking care of the household affairs, and you just come home and you think it's a routine. That's the language of love. That is a language of love, right their wives as well, the very fact that your husband is taking care of whatever he's taking, that's the language of love. But perhaps you want a different language, that's the problem. You're used to that language, you want a different one. That's why you need to come together, understand, negotiate and make the extra effort. Always remember that being

00:58:57--> 00:59:40

in a healthy marriage. It is an active continuous state. It's never just a default and you sit back, being in a healthy marriage, both partners need to be actively involved in a healthy marriage. The minute that one of them just gives up says yeah, of course everything is fine. No is gonna go downhill from there. Both partners need to analyze, be open minded, realize that yes, the other partner might have false but hey, I'm also human. I mean, do you really think you are perfect and the other partner is imperfect? You must have false the other partner has false. You want the marriage to flourish, for your own sanity, and for the children's sanity. It's not a matter of

00:59:40--> 01:00:00

winning the argument. It's a matter of winning the marriage. That's what marriage is about. Compromise. Sometimes you sometimes the other partner and the goal is of course compromise. And therefore dear Muslims, we have to strive to have marriages based upon love and Allah Subhanallah with the other will bless us with that. And with that in

01:00:00--> 01:00:34

Shout Allahu Allah Allah, we sincerely pray that all of our marriages or successful marriages, we pray that Allah subhanaw taala grants us partners that are coolness of our eyes the comfort of our souls. We ask Allah subhana wa Tada to make our partners and our children that which will be portable to any learner in this world and the era we ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to keep our families united in this dunya and to keep them united the Euro We ask Allah subhana wa Tada that he allows every member of our family to help the other members in a way that is pleasing to Allah subhanho wa Taala and in a way that will keep the bonds of family and in a way that will bring us

01:00:34--> 01:01:10

together in the future as well. May Allah subhanho wa Taala bless all of us and our wives and our spouses and our children and our progeny after us and with that if there are any quick questions inshallah just a few minutes in sha Allah quickly, any question from the brothers about today's talk in particular Bismillah Asha looks like the brothers understand love completely. They are all masters of romance and Hamdulillah. They're all going to go home today first going through the flower store to make sure they have flowers. Even Kroger's has flowers better than nothing. You can go to Kroger's and bring flowers, no problem. Just take the Kroger sticker off, by the way, learn

01:01:10--> 01:01:16

something and make sure you take that sticker up. But some things should be there. Any questions from the brothers? Yes, good.

01:01:27--> 01:01:28

Dynamic sometimes?

01:01:33--> 01:02:17

Yes, our brother asked a very valid question. And that is that in today's households, most times both couples are working, does that change anything, the languages are the same. The only difference comes that both partners need to understand that especially when it comes to chores, especially when it comes to household issues. As anybody who is involved in a situation knows it changes the entire dynamics, right? So languages are the same. It's just that both couples have to be more realistic in terms of what can each one give the other. And most important thing is Frank, no open communication. And in fact, that's another talk. Maybe we can give it later on. How do you negotiate? How do you

01:02:17--> 01:02:57

talk with your partner about these difficult things? And as those who are not married? They're like, what's the problem, just talk with them. US married people, we know it's not that easy. It's not that easy to bring up difficult topics sensitive, even if you've been married 2030 years, sometimes it's difficult to bring up very basic topics. And there's actually a psychology to do this. But maybe another lecture but for now, I will say open minded and the willingness to listen that maybe I'm also making a mistake. All too often. We are so certain that the fault is 100% from her or she is saying 100% from him. And I will tell you from my own experience of talking and even in my own

01:02:57--> 01:03:34

marriage, usually it is 7030 6040 5050 Once in a while we discover it's 9010 and 90% my fault and I didn't even realize it. I didn't even realize I'm doing something really didn't even think about it. So it's a matter of being open minded, listening with empathy, really seeing from the other side that what is the issue at stake here. And if both parties are open minded and sincere, then Allah guarantees that the marriage will be a success and you do that Aslan, you are filthy law who by now OMA and the question of the sisters. No question from the sisters. Yes, we're gonna go

01:03:37--> 01:04:09

to her daughter her boo give her idea. You will love one another to ha do Hadiya to have boo hope. Give her idea you will love one another. This hadith is for any two parties, especially for husband wife is going to be the most important but if you give her Hadiya to anybody, that person will love you so to her due to her boo Shala with this doc malaco to 3930 inshallah was hopefully beneficial event just like Monica Santa Monica which Allahu Baraka