Selection of a Prospective Spouse

Yaser Birjas

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I'm

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so I'm already going to love Erica

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from the little blonde I mean so love salon gotta kind of you know Muhammad Ali earlier cyber salon with the slim okay to to my my bad. Selecting a spouse, as you all know, martial law, every time we talk about marriage, you see that many people come into the country background? What does that tell you? I bet you if this if this subject was about maybe to hate

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people that might come to get the hate of zodat only on the man and only one. So why is it so interesting? It's not really about being interesting, as much as be perhaps the most needed these days. It's a crisis. I've been working in this field for marriage counseling. So for the past 15 years, I've seen almost everything and I thought I've seen everything actually. But Subhanallah every single generation and every single maybe few every few years, we kind of skipping generations, even within 10 years, we have a crisis within the Muslim community that we haven't heard of maybe 15 years ago. And within the next maybe three, four is Allahu Allah, what's going to happen next.

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Today, we are actually really having a crisis when it comes to marriage in the Muslim community. Not so many people pay attention to that. And some of us specifically parents, may Allah subhanho wa Taala give us all the topics to understand. Somehow they just don't see the reality of the problem. They only see it in a very subjective manner. That's my goal. That's my my children, my child, my daughter, my son, and everybody is just being so selfish when it comes to marriage to make it a success, self or basically personal success story. But as a community, we have a big crisis. One of these areas is how can I even find someone in this mashallah ocean of young men and women in the

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Muslim community?

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When you ask your parents you know about marriage, they will say Inshallah, one day Nasim comes it will happen I'll be wonderful this no see for the past maybe 25 years or something.

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So does it come? How does it usually come? You know, emails does come you know, flying drops. You know, mashallah from the sky. How does it happen? Unless you do something about it. Many parents they tell their kids you know what, if it happens, it will happen. And if it doesn't, does Allah God will handle origami, like in taking the color of Allah in a very negative way. Today people need to understand, then a slave of Allah subhana wa barakaatuh of Allah Azza wa Jalla dat Nasi is actually is also on your hand to pursue which means you make it happen. Allah subhanaw taala says we're Latina Jaha Delphina then at the end Nam sunnah. If you struggle, if you're striving, our path will

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guide you there. So you make the effort and Allah will bring it your way in sha Allah wa Taala sitting there and just waiting for someone to knock on your door or someone to come and say it's the color field whether it be waiting for five years, mashallah, here's my daughter.

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That happened and just in the old stories like Saban will say, you know, the hola grandson Hamdulillah we do have great models in our time. There's no doubt about it, but they're very scarce. Not so many people, perhaps maybe they know them, or maybe they see them. So what I'm going to talk to you about Inshallah, that we're going to make the toxin so basically, my initial talk was supposed to be what is permissible after Nica, and of course, you know, the consummation of marriage, but I'm going to be covering first Inshallah, the selecting of a spouse, how would you go about selecting a spouse? Dr. Jamal mentioned an amazing, amazing hamdulillah the scripture of the

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lifetime of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam and some of the reasons why the prophets Allah Allah wa salam ala, married more than one wife. One of the reasons that this is the third dimension actually is the prophet Salah Salem was acting in his capacity as a messenger of Allah and the last few years of his life. So more of most of his life he was married to the leader of the Allah Tirana because he was faithful for his wife, creditor of the Allahu Ana, but then in the later time of his life, so Allah Allah wa sallam, he married in such a very short time, all these wives, for many reasons. The question is, why is that? Imagine of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam he married only one wife during

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his lifetime. How could people today relate to him in different forms and different, perhaps circumstance of marriages? I will share with you some of the marriage of the prophets that Allah Allah was sent, for example, people they say, is it okay to marry someone who's was married before? Or does it have to be someone who has never been married before? The Prophet SAW Allah said he made it bigger. And he made it.

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He made it someone who has never made it before. And that was the only woman as a matter of fact, who was never made before SallAllahu wasallam who was you know, I shouldn't be allowed that. And he made it all the other wives. They were married before. So the only woman that he married so Allah says she was never married before. Aisha Radi Allahu Atronach. And there's some psycho joke between Aisha and Fatima. It's not a joke. It's a serious competition between the Anglos normal things right. So I she always brag and she always tell Fatima that you know, rasool Allah has said Allah some I'm the only woman she said, I'm the only woman

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who married me and I was actually was not married before. Basically she was bragging that she was the only major woman he ever married. So Allah Allah

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masala Fatima she replied she said yeah, that's true. But my father was only actually bigger when he married my mom

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which means when he married him he was already actually no longer actually made it just basically he was already married before but before you so even fought in a won the argument for her MA Khadija the Allahu taala. Anna. So that's the first thing. People they ask, Is it okay then to marry? Someone was married before? Of course. Okay. The Prophet saw some did that. So why is this huge stereotype in our communities and so, so prejudice and bias against divorcees against widows against the brother who get married for five years, three years didn't work out Subhanallah He's divorced right now. And he's been looking forever. And he just have this label everywhere he goes, there's a

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label on his face on his back says divorce,

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which means it's basically failure. That's how people interpret these things.

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Why is it so? Why is this injustice that we have enough to put our own kids on our brothers and sisters, the prophets, Allah's people, they ask, Is it okay to marry someone younger than you older than you? What's the answer to decision man? Of course, it's permissible. But a Prophet sallallahu Sallam he married a lady who was much younger than him, who was she? I shot the ultra runner and he also married women who are older than him SallAllahu Sallam who was she

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forgot about Krishna talk about that when he was actually married, made more than one wife, soda. You see when the prophets Allah, Khadija the Allah Donna died. Immediately the professors and the second woman basically in line that he married after Khadija, the first woman that he made as a matter of fact, after Khadija was soda, and she was an older woman. So if this was a man who was going after his desire, he would look for someone younger, right? Why would he marry someone who's older? Because he knew so there was in a situation that he wanted it was a compassion in a situation that if she, if she doesn't get married, then she might live back again Islam to go back to her

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family, the Prophet sallallahu Sallam did that said about Allah. He was at Imani the prophets of Allah some he married an Arab woman and an Arab woman. What does that tell you? It's permissible to marry outside your culture.

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Now parents also stopped for Allah.

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Now Allah Allah is going to happen to me after this lecture but eventually

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whether we like it or not, the Prophet SAW Allah says he married outside his culture. So who is the wife that he met and she was not an Arab woman do you know

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so I figured out the Allah Tirana she was somebody who saw in she was a Jewish woman so she was a revert even seriously so security Mara revert woman. Yeah, it's okay. The prophets I was tempted that, yes, he made it someone who was born Muslim I like I shall do later on as well. And so on. Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam he married even Arman a widow, who was a doodle he made it SallAllahu wasallam.

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Actually multiple of them though with like, how some of the Allah that Anna and I'm selama the example that Dr. Jamal mentioned on selama when the Prophet Salah Salem proposed to her.

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She was She basically she thought that no one will be better than our Salah for him. That's it, but she was thought of you know, when she lost her husband, and the Messenger of Allah said you should make this dua in Allah and Allah, Allah Majan if you masiva definitely hermana that we all belong to Allah azza wa jal all the time back to him. Subhana wa Donna, yeah, Allah gave me the word for this masiva and gave me that which is best for me. And then she thought in her mind, who is that person is going to be better than for me then? I will Solomon, I guess what? She got the proposal from the best man ever. Rasulullah has Salah Sam and she's like, surprised. But then she said that Rasul

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Allah, you know, as you give her excuses. I'm an older woman, which means I'm not that young for you. Number two, I have children, and I'm very jealous.

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So basically, like she has given her case like say, I'm telling you from now, if you take me take me like this, otherwise, harass the professor, Allah Samito. As for your age, I'm still older than you. Number one. As for children, these are my children.

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And number three, myself as for your jealousy, I can do nothing about it other than making dua for Allah azza wa jal, which he did to ease her jealousy or are they allowed to run and that's why I actually used to say that I'm Sela model, the Allahu Ana, another narration Xena, she was the one that to say meaningful hardwater and Rasulullah sallallahu sallam, she was like the second in line in terms of the love of Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam there was a competition to power over them. So there are prophets, Allah Sam, based on this hadith where we learn he didn't just marry a very young lady. He married also an older lady, maybe close to a SallAllahu wasallam. And not just that,

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she was a single mother.

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Single mothers in the Muslim community forget about single fathers, but single mothers in the Muslim community just like a huge taboo.

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I heard a whole lecture actually a couple of years ago I did for in defense of our single mothers in the community and

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divorcees Subhanallah the depressing reality for them and the Muslim community. Depressing reality, like being a single mother. It just like there's a label on you that Be careful, she's after your husband.

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That's why they never get invited to social gatherings. They never won't come to you and certain, you know, kind of circles and it just like, again, taboo, people, they're so scared of that. And why. And here's also Allah has salah, Salah and being the role model, and he made a single mother sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Rasul Allah is Allah Allah Allah wa sallam. He also made women through for their Alia, like like I showed you a lot of Tirana also honorable Khattab Raja Lohan and also he made it through ALLAH SubhanA wa Bucha some the exclusive for him that Cena and also he made it through commissioning, which means even if she wasn't here, even if he wasn't here, you can still do

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it. Of course you know through correspondence. You can still talk to people, they can look for you and they can initiate the contract on your behalf. Insha Allah Baraka watan so there is more to this, I'm sure, and we can we can have a whole session just on the marriages of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam and there is no one really better to explain that now Dr. Jamal himself Mashallah. And again, let's learn most of these things from him having done Allahu taala. Now then, let's go back to that to the practical way of selecting a spouse. Let's move to more practical right now. What do people look for when it comes to getting married? What is the number one quality people are

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looking for when it comes to finding a husband or a wife? What is it? What is it? That we're religious? Right? Yeah, sure, right.

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This is the problem of the Muslim community. We're fooling ourselves. We know what we're supposed to be pursuing. But then we're taking shortcuts.

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We say it's tough luck and math and you have the most righteous brother knock on your door, but

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because muscle size not you know, fitting my standard is not that hands. This guy, I don't know this. And the answer is panela. Sara Lee is no longer being religious anymore.

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So when we're looking for similar limits come to that when it comes to ladies like us, the ladies, the first thing when I ask a guy, what are you looking for a lady that first and they say, Well, you know what I'm talking about? I said, I don't know.

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You tell me what are you looking for? He goes down okay, you know, mean beautiful? said okay, how much? Because even beauty right now is no longer one single standard anymore. It's very subjective.

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When it comes to beauty, I don't know what your lifestyle. I don't know how much you watch TV to be bombarded by all these images, videos, that it's completely ruining the meaning of beauty in your mind. I don't know that. And that's why when a guy comes to me says how much people should compromise you know, on beauty when it comes to marriage. I said the first thing you need to do to realize that the answer to this question is stop watching TV.

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Number two, I said become real.

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Meaning whatever you see on TV, even these women on TV, these guys on TV, they look handsome on TV and so on. They themselves Wallah they themselves, they wish that they look like this in reality.

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But they're not.

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It's all makeup. It's all Photoshop. And it's all just lights and shadows that says that's what makes them look like they themselves they would love to look like this in real life. So stop fooling yourself or saving some that you only create in your own mind. So when it comes to these qualities, I'm summarizing these qualities to two major categories. Number one, what I call core qualities, these core qualities things you should not be compromising. And number two, there is periphery.

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So these peripheral qualities, these are the slight corner on the edge. And these are kind of like optionals where people start setting their priorities differently according to that. But there are certain qualities you should not be compromising to have a successful relationship to have a successful worship and beam being actually and I would say the way it's supposed to be the way the Prophet sallallahu Sallam he lived his life and met it as a sunnah for us the way Allah Subhan Allah commands to have and hold you know a household in your life and a family. Then there are these two qualities were described into Hadith number one the Prophet sallallahu sallam said he said to

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the men, to men, he says Allah Azza Tonka hamara to the Alba when you look for a woman, people usually look for one of these four qualities are looking for all these four qualities together. Don't Kahala Alba, number one for her wealth. Number two for her beauty. Number three for her status. And number four for her beauty. It for her Deen, sorry, for the practice of her faith.

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You see is a stereotype, right? Because by going full circle Subhanallah which is true, but that's the interview this time right? So eventually these four qualities. So number one, further for the wealth for the status for the beauty and then he said for the practice of our faith, Lydia for the practice of our faith.

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And then what the Prophet says I'm instruction was fought for be that it Dean Terry Butcher that look for that who was most practicing

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me the one who was in good relation with Allah subhanho wa Taala that's the first thing the Hadith other Hadith the messenger SallAllahu said, I'm speaking to the outer layer of the women that when someone comes to you proposing for your daughter, what should we be looking for in a man? He said Salah Salem, either documenter Dona Dena who Luca who has a video, when someone comes to you, and you're satisfied with their deen and their love, then accept their proposal.

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He said Dean and UCLA and I explained them to you in shallow data. Then he said, so Allah says Allah to follow if you don't do that, then you wait for corruption, corruption and devastation that will take over and on this earth. And that's exactly what happens in the Muslim female Muslim society. There's so many brothers out there are vegan and they're dying to get my well I met some brothers Masha Allah and here and there in this conference as well. I've seen them for so many years right now. They're still single. And so what's going on says, You know what, that's it, I'm sick and tired of this I gave up.

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They gave up on the Muslim community in their own communities and investing in the Muslim community in America. Next destination, outsourcing, you know, their, their marriage somewhere else.

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Similar services are the same thing too. They're waiting. They're waiting for these guys will be looking forever to come and find them somewhere. But maybe our standards are off a little bit. That's why we don't we don't look attractive to one another. This is the problem. Maybe the guy stands out a little bit off, if not even too much off. And the sister the same thing to you've been sort of too picky. You need to take it easy on yourself. And make sure to find the right standard and shallow data. So why do we have a problem with standards when it comes to selecting a spouse? You see in the past? Maybe how long 2530 years ago perhaps maybe that was the beginning of change in

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the Muslim society and the community. Back then that standard of what you're selecting for was already set by the culture. The culture was dictated to you by your parents, grandparents and so on. So generation after generation, we have a certain standard people they get married, no one complains that hamdulillah today you find people be mad, mashallah for 30 years, 35 years, 4050 years and you say Masha Allah, how did you guys made it? How do you guys make it like this right now? And they say, I don't know. But it just worked out that Hamdulillah you look at them and say, I can't believe you guys survived 35 years I said Me neither. But eventually, they did.

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They had standards that they left by and they understood their standards are like sacred things. Regardless how difficult relationship is going to be we're going to have to make it happen. We have to make it work out. There's these people that they didn't have to worry about these all these things, these little things about selections in our generation, no more standards.

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So while there is no roof so it's gonna set the standard each and every individual

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and as many people we have in this room, that's how many standards we have tried to match these standards. It's impossible mission it's like an impossible mission because now everybody has his own liking and taste and so on. One of the biggest reasons I've seen in my observation for this Christ in the Muslim community is the culture of choice supposed to be something great right? Because you have freedom of choosing and so on and ALLAH SubhanA created you with the with the ability to choose between right and left and all that stuff, which is good but when it comes to marriage having so many options and so many choices out there confusing lot of brothers and sisters

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and for them

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I'll wait another shallow to another one. Okay, okay another conference inshallah Tana maybe next destination Sharla going about the regional economic conference inshallah. And people that will be waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting, the standard is off because again became extremely, extremely subjective.

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And we are going to have to open up a little bit to understand how we can set the standard right to shallow terracotta So the Prophet sallallahu sallam, and these two Halys he gave us the core qualities. Deen and Afla. What's the meaning of Deen? When you say Deen? I know we have when we translate the word Deen of being religious. But you know, even being religious right now is being stretched so wide. So there's a huge spectrum of being religious, extremely to the right and extremely to the left. So if you ask people you know about religiosity, they give you their own definition of being religious. For some that religiosity is Whoa, this is very extreme.

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And for others that work, this is very liberal. So we have to actually wide spectrum right now and people are having options to choose in between. So when someone says, I want someone who's religious, the next question to me I say, What do you mean define religious for me? So lady, you need to define a little bit for me. Do you the guy who's always mashallah, in the masjid? 24/7 Tabata kala Dante I'm Elaine say I'm in the heart. What do you mean by the finish the finish of religious a guy what kind of

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Have you noticed woman do you want you want her for her job I buy a new car color for this and that what is the looking for?

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It is there's so many options the standards are shifting. I can't even set a standard for the people. They're going to have to give me the leads to help them out and even with those leads, I'm just like, Where can I found this person?

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This person has been photoshopped in your own mind doesn't exist in reality except in your own mind. One time my brother he came to me and he said I asked him What are you looking for? He said I would like Michelle to have one a beautiful woman was very religious knows how to cook Mashallah. And this and this and this he gave amazing qualities in Hana. I can tell Oh ALLAH he gave unbelievable qualities. I said Masha Allah Allah that's a great actually qualities great qualities. You know, if you find one, please let me know I want no matter how

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serious if I find someone like this, I'm not gonna have a term

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but I know she doesn't exist.

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She only exists in gymnasium. The qualities he's asking for they only exist in general dunya, you're gonna have to compromise, you're gonna have to compromise on something. So when it comes to religiosity, two things I want you to be aware of, there is religious and there are spiritual.

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We always associate all kinds of competitors yesterday with spirituality, being religious does not necessarily make the person spiritual and what does it mean? Being religious, you know, mashallah, adhering to Salah and see I'm under a vida en ta out and hijab and so on. So we do these things. But that doesn't make the person spiritual in terms of their you know, their kindness and gentleness, their ability to be compassionate and passionate and so on these two different qualities. The first one is just you know, the shelf. These are everybody can be equal with these things when we do these practices, of course, but the inner bond, the inner part, the spiritual spiritual part, that's a

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personal effort. How can I gauge this? I don't know. I really cannot gauge this for you.

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And that's that's the problem with marriage and the beauty of marriage at the same time. It's raining on the job.

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Which means once you're there, then you make the decision. You know what I'm gonna have to work it out. How do you do that the man is under us love that will help you there Inshallah, which is the second quality the professor was the most asking for o'clock. Manners because religiosity that's your relationship with Allah azza wa jal, and a flat and manage your relationship with the people. You know, the person is fit for this, if you see the related relationship with Allah azza wa jal is sound. And the relationship with the people is I wouldn't say awesome. But you know what? Good.

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I'm satisfied with good these days, really, because of Hala the situation with a culture of individuality. Most of our young men and women today they live with their own, you know, young people more than they live with adults. So they perpetuate the same problem, they create their own echo chamber, they keep talking to each other thinking, this is the culture of marriage, it's not, you listen to the wrong person. If you want to really get married, you need to act like one I need to associate with those who are already married. Otherwise, being all the time with your single friends, you just gonna perpetuate your problem. You're just like cheerleaders for each other,

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that's all.

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So if you really want to get married, act like one and start moving in that direction, shallow terracotta. These are the two qualities that I mentioned core qualities for marriage. Now there are peripheries. And I mean, by that, you know, side qualities, people, they have their own standards. And that's what becomes extremely subjective, I'm going to go over them quickly in shallow data for you based on my observation, also, what you could hear from books or film, when they said they put this list basically, when the LMR put the list of qualities, basically,

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it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be perpetual, until the day of judgment, no, they put in for their times. So when you see what they say about America, say it and unsaved someone from the family, the Prophet and so on, I mean, these things might not be applicable to our time right now, when they put the standard of, you know, marrying someone from a different culture versus you know, a different color and all these things and so on, maybe for their standards back then, today is a little bit different, we have to observe that these things actually cultural, and they shift they change based on the cultural shift in the societies. There is not like Hadith or Quran and disregard

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to say this is the quality should always be looking for. So who are some of these qualities people do look for in a spouse? Number one, beauty.

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Again, now the question since we said there is no such standard, what is your standard of beauty?

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Living in this culture, living in the society watch a lot of TV and all these ads and you walk around and you see them, you know, on buses on buildings, malls, this and that. They're always bombarding the people, you know, with certain standard of beauty known as the European standard of beauty. If you don't fit that standard, you're ugly. That's what they're telling you. And people they have to live up to that kind of standard and they have to start

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From being with low self esteem, so now we're sending up instead of being at a very high level of confidence, and heading up from there, now we start actually with the negative. So that's why when a guy comes and he always says, Do you think I'm handsome enough? I said, yeah, what's wrong with you?

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And like, I don't know, I mean, I'm afraid that she's not, she's gonna, I said, if she rejects you for your looks, she is losing. And the brothers just really

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don't like.

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And that's, that's a real scenario, but there was a real conversation with a brother. But what I'm saying is that Subhanallah, we, we care so much about it, it became so difficult for us to just to be satisfied, knowing that you are beautiful the way you are. Because this is a divine design from Allah subhanho wa taala.

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And whatever Allah designs is beautiful, you have to understand that

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that also pass for the sisters. I mean, if the guys are insecure with their looks, imagine the sisters these days,

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especially when they come to conferences like this, and the competition begins.

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So all these systems are threatened. Oh, my God, I've got to go to the hotel room Colossian. Why? Why? Why do you have to be treated by someone who's been blessed with maybe a different standard of beauty, not higher, different standards of beauty. If you look at it being different, you will feel comfortable. But if you look at it being higher, you're going to always look miserable. You know why? Because there will always be someone who's more beautiful than you, if not today, next year.

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So just move on with that when it comes to beauty, I want you to understand that beauty is only in the eye of the beholder.

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And once you set yourself on that Alhamdulillah everything is going to be beautiful. Some of you might say well, what if what if you know what, you're not even married yet to even start to make an assumptions. Just get married and see that the beauty of marriage is beyond the physical interaction. It's not just being physical interaction. I mean, even know how often husband wife, they get intimate together in a relationship. Maybe the first few months, that's fine. But then what's after that, there's a long life to go there's much more into it than just you know, being always intimate with each other. So relax, would come to the guy being handsome ready, being

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beautiful. Just relax, set your standard to the normal standard. I'm not saying lower your standard, because there is no such thing as low standard, which comes to beauty. But there's a different standard of beauty. That's all what is there out there. Number two, the second quality age?

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Wow.

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Is that a problem? Of course it is a problem today, when you have mashallah many brothers who have been waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. And now they're all past 30 years old and so on. You ask them why still married or not married? Yet? They get depressed? Like this question is like, what's wrong with you? Are you sick or something?

00:27:59--> 00:28:01

That's the meaning of the question today.

00:28:02--> 00:28:13

So for them, they get really depressed, like, I couldn't find anybody, basically anyone be satisfied with what they're offering of their standard SubhanAllah. That's gonna make sure yourself on the role of the Kamala BarakAllahu.

00:28:14--> 00:28:25

So then, similar to the system, age factors become problem today, especially when the sisters are busy actually finishing their their education. And by the time they are done, they realize oops,

00:28:27--> 00:28:31

means that now, I'm already actually past the prime age of marriage.

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That's, that's difficult, you know, to swallow. And now, as a result of, you know, having the massive number of sister of that age group, unfortunately, were demanding a change in the culture, you know, I wish I can. I don't, I don't control that change. We need to come to a situation that kind of understanding in the Muslim community, that this is becoming a new norm,

00:28:54--> 00:29:21

to marry at 30 years old to marry around that age is becoming a new norm in this generation right now. So the fact that you're 30 Plus, you're too old for marriage. That's not fair. And that's not right. For brothers sisters, the culture needs to shift right now to understand we're moving into a different generation, we're going to have to accept these realities. That doesn't mean that men and women should wait too long if they can marry earlier, because the sooner is to marry as early as you can when you're ready for it.

00:29:23--> 00:29:45

But if it doesn't happen Subhanallah then we have to accept that the situation is a bit different. We have to be more tolerant with this kind of condition situations. So what's the age group? So what's the age difference anyway, then in this case, if you ask most men right now, let me ask these guys, for example, or let's ask the ladies first ladies first basically, ladies, how many of you would like to marry a guy who was 10 years younger than you?

00:29:48--> 00:29:52

Okay, guys, how many of you would like to marry a lady who's 10 years younger than you?

00:29:58--> 00:29:59

Well, 10 years was a lot

00:30:00--> 00:30:01

They're off, right?

00:30:02--> 00:30:08

But they're still willing, right? Everybody mashallah, by the way, be careful what you wish for rather

00:30:09--> 00:30:49

than use as a gap, some highlight can be the most beautiful age difference for couples, some couples, and sometimes it's really, really difficult to manage that kind of age difference. So be careful what you wish for. Now, the age, the average, I would say the average age difference, the average age difference that we have is about five years, perhaps 5673, something like that. That's the that's the average age eventually. And it's reasonable. Why is that because of how women they mature faster than men. So basically, a lady she who is 21 years old, ready for marriage. I mean, she needs someone who's around 2524 26 years old, to match her maturity level. Otherwise, if they

00:30:49--> 00:30:51

married at 25, both of them good luck with that.

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It's beautiful. There's no doubt about it. And as a handler, absolutely acceptable, amazing and can happen we have an example from the life of the prophet Sallallahu wasallam. But the cultural norms are a little bit different these days. So keep in mind that age difference is something people require is not halal haram thin people their priorities number three, culture and the background. One of the most depressing things in this world in this generation today. If you look around you, you will see the texture of the Muslim community, the fabric of the Muslim community, the mosaic that the community is creating somehow in this society. We are very, very colorful, diverse

00:31:27--> 00:31:40

community. We perhaps the most diverse community in America, but even in the world, as Muslims, and still Muslims try to adhere to one single culture on their own, living their own world.

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on a micro level, every family is so afraid and so freaking out of their daughters is going to bring a guy from a different culture.

00:31:51--> 00:31:58

Every parent is dreading the day when my son comes home Baba, I'm ready for marriage. I have found the one Masha Allah. There she is, unlike

00:32:00--> 00:32:21

that she speak Arabic. The first question, right, something like that. So Subhanallah we know that the Muslim community is very diverse. And I personally believe walleye. I've been doing this for many years, and I've seen it I've seen it. What's hap, what's the damage, it's causing the communities. I believe that the future of the Muslim community in America is diversity

00:32:22--> 00:32:24

is not the one monolithic culture.

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And if every single family or culture subculture in the Muslim community always try to adhere to its culture thinking that you know what if we don't if you give in to this massive diversity in the community that said, we have gone our kids, they're gonna stop eating hummus and falafel. And well, they're not gonna wear Shaolin kameez anymore. All that stuff. Why? Why is it so sacred to eat? Yeah, and if Alaba and homos in the morning, and if it's something that you can substitute with something else, what's wrong with that? So the culture is is actually is unfortunately, causing so many problems the Muslim community, I'm not asking you the kids now to rebel. Hey, don't guys take

00:33:06--> 00:33:09

me wrong. All right, parents on your side insha Allah Tala.

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Because I'm a parent of also four kids. And I've seen it every day. I know Subhanallah that when I see my kids growing up in my eyes, and I see their friends, as they associate with eat with them. For me, I says it would be unfair to demand on my kids, they have to marry someone who's from the same culture.

00:33:29--> 00:33:30

I'm not I'm open.

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Because what I need for them is you to marry someone with whom they're going to shall order enjoy life with the dean under US law. They don't have to be Palestinians like us, for example. It doesn't have to be by what I'm saying is that if the if the kids are going to do that, they're going to have to be reasonable, they're going to have to be reasonable on how to present this to their family. They need to show maturity in the way they present these issues. Last night, I spoke at the booth and McGraw booth actually at nine o'clock about the subject and how you can approach your parents when it comes to addressing the subject of diversity finding someone from a different culture in the

00:34:04--> 00:34:07

Muslim community number four, when it comes to

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actually I want to mention this as the last point on this subject to Shala number four, the issue of socioeconomic status, the socio economic status the Muslim community in America is mashallah one of the most affluent communities in perhaps minorities, maybe in America, not in the world.

00:34:25--> 00:34:59

And of course, the I would say majority I would say in this case, we are recognized as being Marshal a very wealthy community. However, many of the people are mashallah in that side of the community, many of them mashallah they have done an amazing job, you know, in developing the handle their career, developing their their, their, their wealth and their success and so on. Unfortunately, as a lead the Muslim community as a Muslim leader in the community, I've seen this I observed this have been an individual success story. We don't have that community

00:35:00--> 00:35:39

The success, like a whole group of Muslims creating a business or a hospital or something that's only, you know, mashallah the contribution of the Muslim community to their own local communities, not even the entire American community. We're not at that level yet. So most of our success, individual success stories, as a result, there's a huge disparity between the Muslim community, the rich, and the poor, and those are in between. So as a result, there's always an expectation when it comes to marriage, marriage has become the standard and the standard of status. Therefore, if your kids don't want to get married, you're going to have to show the status status of who your culture

00:35:39--> 00:36:16

doesn't even show your culture that's your personal culture or being a certain background certain level of martial law of wealth and so on. So when you spend $150,000 on a wedding, or $4 million on a wedding and helicopters and fireworks and all that stuff, which happened actually in the Muslim community somewhere they want to mention where exactly when they spend that much money on this, Allah bless them Woodworth May Allah bless them and give them even more and more on hallelujah inshallah Allah but doesn't mean to waste your money like this. Similarly, when people they would like to set the standard for the mod the dowry at 50,000 60,000 70,000 for what? Like insurance

00:36:18--> 00:36:26

This is just like basically like a safety net just in case if they divorce of 100 a lot of blindman seriously. Now you're setting yourself up for failure from the beginning.

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I want to start with this before they were not okay so we're not we're suspecting me that I'm going to divorce her is that what you're telling me? They won't ask me for 100,000 as a as a mod, different mod and so on. wrong perceptions, wrong assumption about one another. Let's create like a fitna in the Muslim community. So when it comes to the socio economic status, there is no doubt it's good. And it's better that we have that compatibility. For the Muslim community having a compatibility is very crucial, very important, as much as you can. So the more you share, the more qualities you share together, the very will be inshallah Baraka, Wattana. However,

00:36:59--> 00:37:15

that doesn't mean success in marriage only depends on these qualities. Because those who are married, they will tell you. Now, it's not about this. It's going to be about how you behave in the relationship. This is where the dean and the love will play a major role. Do you know enough love?

00:37:16--> 00:37:47

And if you have the Dean the fear of Allah azza wa jal and you have the good manners, whatever relationship you start, it's going to be successful. I guarantee you that olive oil has and as a matter of fact, once was asked by a man he says in Algeria, I have my daughter, she's almost close to it's close to the edge of marriage right now. He said, To whom should I give her a marriage? God has a huge ammonia tequila Sofia, give her to the one who feels Allah azza wa jal for now in a hug Barack Obama, if he feels hola if he loves her, he will be so generous with her.

00:37:48--> 00:38:18

When Carrie ha ha ha la mia of Lima. And if he disliked her, he would never be oppressor to her, he will never oppress her, meaning he's gonna always be fair. Always be kind with her. So that is the qualities or the quality of Allah who will will will matter the most and the relationship and marriage that's going to cost you 70,000 $100,000 You know, for one single night, two, three nights, one week, let it be, guess what the next day you're going to have the same breakfast you have the week before.

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And then we realize that's it I thought when you get married, you have fancy breakfast, Inshallah, five years from now, when the laws were still learning right now. So therefore, you're going to need that you're gonna need to bring back things to reality.

00:38:32--> 00:38:53

Marriage is not really about all these qualities before marriage. It's about how you behave, how you handle yourself, your love, your manners, your character, your treatment for one another. That's why when Allah azza wa jal gave us the ultimate, the ultimate principle of success in the Quran, when come to relation between a husband wife, you said, why she rune will Morrow.

00:38:55--> 00:38:56

treat them kindly.

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This is the ultimate, the ultimate rule of success in our relationship, when you treat each other kindly, not in a mean way, not in a selfish way. That's when relation hamdulillah flourish and improve, otherwise, there will be destroyed.

00:39:13--> 00:39:47

So first of all, the topic that we're going to talk about right now is what's permissible post Nica, but pre marriage when a husband wife, when a young man and woman they have the Nikka done, but they decided to wait until next year so they can graduate or until grandma XYZ comes from India to come and attend the wedding or whatever actually, that they decide to do the further that the marriage for it doesn't matter, they have their own reasons right. So what is what is this called right now they call this period. We call this period celibate marriage and the meaning of saying celibate marry that means your husband wife Islamically once you have uniqa done you are considered the

00:39:47--> 00:39:59

husband wife but it's like a celibate marry which means you we assume that you guys not gonna get overexcited you're not gonna consummate the marriage without you know permission very much. However, among the younger generation

00:40:00--> 00:40:33

marry them, they pressure their parents in depression one another, basically, as a husband, young husband, wife, and they want to just go full force, basically, let's finish it. And they want to consummate the marriage. Is that acceptable? Islamically? Is that allowed? Is that halal? And in this case, how far can we go together and so on. There is a great misconception between among the young people between the engagement or what we call an Arabic language healthbar, because the English translation for engagement is similar to Nikka, and the Arabic language. So when you use the word engagement in English, it might it might actually resemble the actual marriage contract. So in

00:40:33--> 00:41:07

the Arabic language cookbook, which is translated as engagement, basically is just the promise to get married. It's a promise to be made, like, for example, we agree, and inshallah we're just waiting for the right time to have the official Nikka have to be done. This is called Goodbye, right now. During this time, what is permissible, what is permissible, permissible to get to know each other, you get to speak to one another, you get basically to eventually encourage each other, of course, insha Allah to Allah to kind of increase that relationship with that love, so that you have Danica haShoah done afterwards, and so forth. But no physical interaction should be done at that

00:41:07--> 00:41:37

time, hijab should not be removed during that time, as well as there should be actually a Muharram involved in that. And during that time, whether this is through correspondence, or actual phone conversation, and I recommend during that time, that conversation should be actually in a public place in the house, instead of you know, being in your private room while you still don't even have an ICA done yet. So that's actually that's something needs to be taken consideration, knowing the culture of our time, with all due respect, privacy during this age, Allah Mastan is almost close to zero.

00:41:38--> 00:42:15

You can even go into a hotel actually elevator without looking at the camera up there. Let's say what and even when you don't know that when the elevator goes up, what happens it's all actually window, mashallah going to the whole world. So privacy is a big issue these days. So therefore, you'd be careful with that, and you should guard you know, the chastity of one another. Until then it is done. Then once the Nuka has done, then you are legally Islamic to consider the husband wife. I know, once we hear the word that Hamdulillah. Now I announced you as a husband wife, basically the other statement, and then they think now you can kiss the bride, right? And they're just like, Man,

00:42:15--> 00:42:52

why can we do this like everybody else? Well, culturally speaking, we prefer to delay that until you guys are ready to move in together, whether you call it consummation of marriage, or the whole rock, city, whatever you want to call it. That's what it is basically. So and then you have the volume afterwards. During this time, what are you allowed to do? Can you talk about the phone? Of course, we can talk over the phone? Do we have to have a Muharram? involved? Of course not. Now there's a husband wife speaking. Okay, how far can we go with our with our language and our speaker and so on? Can we talk about sensitive issues and so on? Your husband wife right now, you can talk if you want

00:42:52--> 00:43:26

to? What about you know, Skype, for example, he lives in one state or another live in another state or even across country, for example, across even the ocean? Can we Skype your husband wife, that's okay. However, I want you to be careful when you Skype that Skype is not in a thin air, just to let you know, although it is anyway. But so the thing is that it is be recorded somewhere on servers. So be careful what you ask for on the Skype or one of the camera. All right, keep it Yanni keep it modest still. Also, if you send pictures to one another, I don't recommend that at all.

00:43:27--> 00:44:02

Especially if the if the whole is not done yet. The Conservation habit didn't happen yet. Because I've dealt with some cases, actually a few cases not so many candelabrum in which the Nikka was never fulfilled. And as a result, actually the analysis that was done, but the consummation didn't happen yet. Within that period, something wrong happened, didn't work out, they got divorced. And there was a huge scandal over some emails were sent to each other very intimate, you know, language and so forth. Some of them even have explicit pictures and so forth between a husband wife, but some highlights shaitan is clever. When you feel that you've been you've been oppressed in a situation

00:44:02--> 00:44:40

like that Rosabella shaytaan can justify everything for you. Even exposing the one who was your spouse just maybe a few days before. A shutdown is clever. So be careful with these things. How about getting together getting out together without a Muharram? They are allowed to do that. But is it okay for parents to set let's say a curfew and say you want to go for dinner at 10pm? That's the max 10pm What? That's not even isn't even time yet for the dinner to arrive. No. 10pm is 10pm. So based on this who has the right of obedience on the spouse on the wife in this case? Is it the husband, the young husband or the experienced father?

00:44:42--> 00:44:43

See the guys are quiet right now.

00:44:45--> 00:44:59

Like I thought you were on my side, right? Just yeah, that's what you said I Well, the Allama they say actually in this regard, not yet. unsheltered until she until she moves actually with him. She moves in with him. So she lives under the roof of her father. She is under her father's

00:45:00--> 00:45:04

All right now one of the husband get upset that he's not mature yet

00:45:05--> 00:45:46

so don't you ever defy the authority of her father at that time because that shows actually bad qualities that red flags and it's gonna be nasty so therefore be respectful understand the situation and the lady as well you need to make sure that you also you know cannot keep the limits he needs to understand you need to understand as well However, what if the husband wife they decided to consummate the marriage without the approval of their of their parents? Did they commit Zina? Was that was her fornication adultery? No, it's not. But you know, tradition we always expect them to wait until then. So therefore, I purse also prefer that you don't go that far. You're very young.

00:45:46--> 00:46:08

You perhaps not experienced with that. So therefore don't even try it yet. Until you move and officially together after the wedding Subhanallah you don't know what happens. What of Allah azza wa jal was for someone to die. You know, before this happened, and I've actually had an incident like this in certain community when the death happened just close to the wedding time.

00:46:09--> 00:46:32

And And subhanAllah the lady actually she she admitted that they consummated the marriage. Is that haram? No, it's not haram. But now she's basically what what am I going to do right now? The assumption that she's still busy, she's never been touched by a man or whatever. But this is the case is not haram because again, that's her husband, but she's ashamed to admit that to her family and so on. You don't want to put yourself in a situation like this. These are just

00:46:33--> 00:46:37

a group of the list that I have over here in this regard. We can shall take some time for questions in the margin.