Channel: Waleed Basyouni
In 111 men who want to stay in who want to study who want to stop Pharaoh, when out of alignment surely unforeseen Omen sejahtera Marina Maja de la vida mo de La MaMa you will follow her the Allah who was shadow Allah Allah Allah Allahu la sharika wa Shana Mohammed Abu Rasulullah Allahumma salli ala Muhammad Ali Mohammed k masala tada Ibrahim Ibrahim in Naka, hamidah Majeed
de la. All praise due to align His praise and blessings and peace be upon our Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa alayhi wa sallam his family's companions and his followers until the day of judgment. I bear witness that Allah subhanaw taala is the only one worthy of worship and Mohammed Salah lo audio Selim his last and final messenger,
Allah subhana wa tada when he mentioned his blessings upon us. One of the things that he have mentioned for us that Allah subhanaw taala have created for us among ourselves, spouses that we might dwell with them in love, mercy and tranquility, and peace.
Amin iottie among his sign, Paula Bella, come in and fishy come as Roger latest cuando la la Vina Kumar de Tawana, the team made your spouse to you, like a second. And a second, you know, like we have a very famous word in Arabic meskin, which it means home is like a home because at home, you will feel safe, you feel protected, you feel at ease, as we say nothing like home. And that's supposed to be how you feel about your spouse. There is nothing like your spouse, there is nothing that can replace the role of your spice in your spouse in your life. It's amazing how Allah subhana wa tada when he created Adam, out of his center, and where Adam was, at first indena can't be
And then a place you just I leave it for your imaginations, what kind of things that people enjoy and having dinner. But still, Adam after a while, was bored. Because he was by himself. And Allah subhanho wa Taala at one night, or one of the time when he was sleeping, Allah created Eve from his site, from his site, and he woke up, and he found her next to him. And that companionship, that's the thing that he was missing the most, even though he wasn't gender.
And he just imagined that, that he still have a need was not fulfilled and gender by all the joys of gender.
until Allah subhanaw taala, brought for him a spouse to be a partner. That's why Allah subhanaw taala call them the husband and wife pair zone and compare and basically partner sharika to hyah washer he could hire.
It is very sad.
When you hear there's so many of us, don't value the blessings of family, the blessing of having a spouse having a husband or having a wife. And sometimes I guess because of a long, any live, people cannot fit. Don't value that how this is so important in our life and in our community in our society at large.
And what is what I want to basically point to that not only we don't value it, sometimes we abuse that relationship.
And it's been since I came like back from overseas. Just a week. anybody tell you in just one week, three to four, you know,
couples that complaining about the amount of aggressions and the amount of problems that is growing in their household. Young boys and young girls complaining about how dry their homes are,
how they don't see that love and the mercy presented or basically demonstrated by both sides and they don't believe I don't believe it's only the fault of the husband, or the fault of that wife. And it's interesting every time you sat with one of the spouse or one of that two, they always tried to basically complain about the other person the other side. And when you hear the other side of the story, you said oh my god, this is the other guy he is the bad oh she is the basically the one who neglecting Amanda
suffer. But the reality is, are some cases as clear as One side being very aggressive and taking advantage of the other one. But I notice in many cases, that there is always a shared problem.
And what's really motivated me to talk about this today, not because it's Valentine's Day, and there is a lot of love and romance in the air, when I thought it's natural, we live in society, and we affected by what's going on around us, you know, but that's maybe one thing. But it's more important for me, it is how sometimes aggression is justified by the name of religion, justified by the name of religion. And that's Yes, last week, or this week, actually, in Tuesday, when I was teaching one day, when I was teaching my class in Milan, I was talking about the issue of giving salam to the opposite gender. And I said, whenever you give Salaam to the opposite gender, you should give the
Salaam to the sister or to the brother, which is allowed, there is a hadith in this regard. But you should do it in the appropriate manners. You know, like what I said that day said, You can't be just if you see a brother, and you are a man. And you see a brother said Somalia, but when you see a sister, the tone will be completely mild, unlike, you know, so like seductive? No, you can't do that. Why is that, to me is different than her. No, as non right. And sometimes people use, I said, and it's worse than that when people use things from the religion to reach or to fulfill their own harm desires.
can imagine you use the religion to do it, that's how you use the same idea come to head on a girl, or to get the guy attention. That's so bad. You know what do it without because you double your sin, you double your problem using the dean for your, for the dunya, which is something so terrible. And similar to this, what I have noticed when it comes to the relationships between husband and wife, that is commonly religion used to abuse and to be used in a wrong way. Like various people, the only thing they know from the religion that's in the B cell cell themselves. If it was if someone needs to make salute to someone, it would be the woman to her, basically, husband, the only thing that's
basically that they know from the religion, how the angels curse, that why she doesn't answer the call of the husband, but they don't understand that these are Hadith have basically go both ways. And these verses goes both ways. As you expect something from your spouse, they should expect the same from you. And that's the right understanding of the Sahaba of the allow him as an ambassador of the law and is to say, will lie. Sometimes I don't ask my wife to do so much for me, because if she does, I have to do the same to her, I have to be equal to the extent that he said, if she takes care of her hair, and she dress and she herself, I'll do the same to myself, I will not have a Missy
beard or missing her, you know or smell bad, you know, he will basically purify himself or her to that extent, versus the people who abuse the religion, just because they are monsters and their nature, or because they are aggressive, or because they are annoying.
Or because whatever attitude or problem or sick, you know, attitude that they have in life.
And I would like to share just few points. Because it is so important for us as a community to make sure that our home from inside is fixed.
Because we can build very far if our foundations are shaking. That's why the theme of this year is actually about home improvement. And we had a workshop last about few weeks or last month talking about, you know, one step towards that home improvement and the second one coming in a couple of weeks and shout out to Anna or so
it is said is very important because family is the cornerstone for any society, for any community to be built on. So just want to cite that good relationships just doesn't just happen. It has to be built. There has to be effort put into it.
It can't just you can't imagine that you know what you and her would be perfect. And you and him would be perfect. No. And if there is no willingness from both sides usually doesn't work. Allah Subhana Allah said beautifully when he talked about a new shoes and you know, the basically when there is where the marriage
reached a point of breaking point that they're going to be separated from each other. Allah subhanaw taala said, you read that
you have to be known when both sides want to fix the problem, one to reconsolidate, a love gift to fit. But when I talk to the husband, and I just said, you know what she needs to change.
When I talk to the wife, she said, you know what I'm doing everything you would never find a wife like me ever. You know, I'm the best woman exists in the world, that you can ever dream of us not worth even 10% of me.
You know, I was so apprentice of my father home until this man took me is not worth, you know, to have me, if she has that attitude. If he has that attitude usually doesn't work.
You know, I want to make this crystal clear.
If you think that you are better than your spouse, you're wrong.
If you think that you're better than your spouse, you're wrong.
Because that's arrogance, to look down upon others, is have no respect for his or her opinion.
When you have no respect for his or her, you know, feelings, or what they want. That's why I always cite. If your spouse think that this is important, it is important. It's not because in itself, it is important it just because your spouse thinks it is important. For example of your husband, it's a very big deal for him, that you do this or that it is important, even if you as a wife don't think what's the big deal about it.
What's the big deal, it's my husband loves that.
Or big deal that you know my husband appreciate that.
What's so big deal, that's my wife love that. My life my wife wants that. That's let's make it an important and that's a rule that you should go by. Remember, if your spouse said that this is important, it is important. And also, I always cite in Valentine's Day, people are middle month or happy birthday or whatever aid you give gifts, your why we give gifts to your husband,
I'll tell you about the best gift that you can ever give to your spouse.
And if I'm wrong, prove me wrong, please come to me in any time from now until next year. And tell me if you were wrong.
I do believe that the best gift that you can give your spouse is basically that your own happiness.
Just to be a happy person to be around.
Oh my god, just to be around someone who is nikka D. I mean, oh was complaining, oh, was
negative all is this all was that? You know, it's unbelievable. When somebody's always sad and always angry, and all those worries and all was not happy. Who wants to be around this person.
And a person that this The worst thing that you can be ever around.
That's why you need to remember those. And guess what, your spouse will never make you happy. Because no one ever can make you happy. The only one can make you happy is yourself. So make sure that you You're so happy person. Make sure that if somebody turned to ruin it for you tell them hey, I'm happy today. So let's keep it that way.
You know whenever you sort of self happy content, and
you're basically happy with your life happy with your when you happiness doesn't means also you want to improve but you happy? Believe me that's the best gift that you can ever give to your spouse.
I would say that
whenever to come to one of the common things. These are random points I just put together. One of the things that I noticed that a lot of people put a lot of strange rules in marriage.
I want to talk about the rules in Islam. I've been to a place where a husband put a red tape and I mean that literally a red tape
two feet away from that certain places on the house like the the window and he said you can't cross that tape.
he put certain rules. You know, you can basically have that person in your family member to call him. You can do this you can do that you can. She's not your daughter.
She's even your daughter. Don't do that with her. She's not your son. Even your son can do that. Most of the time these days. She's your spouse. He is your
Husband, you know, I strained some rules. Some woman also put a very strange rules, men. You know, I heard a couple of funny things like I was like, wow, you know, you can talk to that person, you can do this, you can do that.
I'll tell you something about rules. I don't care, whatever rules you have at home. Okay? But, you know, some rules even has to do with what you dress. Can you believe that? What you wear, what you don't wear, what color that you put on.
And he make it as a rule. And he think because I'm a husband, I have to be obeyed. You know, I can make the rules. And I'll say to you, that's not how marriage works. I don't care what rules you guys have at home, other than the Sharia, the halal and haram. But this is how it should be based on the only rule that should go at home, is the rule that you both agree upon
how one person you should come to an agreement, you know what this is how I like this one. And the end of the day, one of you, you know will have to give up to the other otherwise the marriage will break. But you can just force and make it to basically shovel things in your spouse throat, because soon that rule will be broken.
And I also would like to cite
never too late to repair a damage to your marriage. It's never too late, as long as your marriage each other, even if it has been years in neglecting her rights. And also would like to say especially about the thing that happened in the past.
I'm sure there's so many of you like myself,
when I got married, I got married in a relatively early age, I wasn't that smart. You know, when it comes to how maybe to be the best father the best, you know, husband, maybe some of you been in that position.
But you know what it is so important to go back specially 111. I don't like I did. But if you ever did something that's hurtful.
Go back and say I'm sorry.
You remember that 10 1520 years ago, and you accuse her falsely or you hit her.
You should say sorry. Because these things don't go away.
You remember that, you know, 20 years ago, when you did that to your husband or whatever, you cheated on them or you did something wrong or harm, you harm his family, you should say I'm sorry. And I'm opening the old rule. There's have this idea, don't open the old wounds, you know, they never close, especially if it's something very harmful,
hurtful, and people really harmed by it. You should make a closure. You just don't move on. A lot of people when they have a problem at home, they think time will take care of it.
I always say time sometimes take care of it in the wrong way. Make it bigger and deeper and harder to deal with, like wounds. Sometimes if you leave them and you don't clean them and you don't you know try to close that wound it became worse and very hard for you to to make it to heal ever.
And also would like to cite
that love is not just a feeling.
It's actions that shows that feeling. That's why I spell the word love and Arabic and you can have belma in Navajo love in Arabic, I mean something appeared.
Something has to be demonstrated not only by saying I love you, which is important, but it didn't demonstrate that in actions. Because actions speak much louder than, you know, words. And they'll be so seldom was amazing and how he shows his love to his wives. He will kiss her he will hold her he will take care. He traveled. You know, Don't tell me you're more busy than the prophets of Allah. Don't tell me that thing that you deal with in your life are more important and more significant than the prophets are sometimes things that he dealt with in his lifetime.
That's hard for me to imagine that. I'm sure you're busy. I'm not saying you're not. But look at the provinces of them still managed to take his wife when he traveled to the battlefield
to the battlefield. Here, take his wife and raise with him when he was was invited by someone and he said I'll bring my wife with me. She thinking about her.
That's why I love what one of my friends said. Don't ever treat your spouse like a fly.
You know what he means?
Fly. The only time they recognize fly when it's coming with Stop bugging you have the fly in the room and it doesn't come near you. You don't notice it. But it will start bugging you that's when you notice the fly or the mosquito mosquito. So don't treat your spouse whenever the bug you that's when you realize that they are exist in your life. But as long as they don't
Talk to you you just ignore them. That's not right. You should always you know that's the process of them said I will bring my wife with me to the food. He knows he's not something in the tea basically, he knows that he play a major part in his life and he would like to have her with him when he goes
solo do it ru Sanam I saw online you
a hamdu lillahi wa Salatu was Salam ala ba ba abanda. Who about
one of the things that also I would like to cite
when it comes to relationships,
make sure that you realize the simple fact that your opinion is not the ultimate truth is not true. It is an opinion. And also you have we have to treat each other this way. I might be wrong. I might be correct. There is nothing shameful. There is nothing wrong for a man to say I'm sorry.
There is nothing wrong for a man to serve his family. And Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
He would serve his family. He would help him take care of
take care of his own things.
He will fix his bed, he will fix his clothes, sell a lot of it, sell it.
There's nothing wrong with you to help.
There is certain culture, they feel it's a shameful act. You know, I had a couple that they almost got divorced over what? How dare that she told him, told him change the diaper.
She broke his manhood.
She insulted his dignity. His Highness.
I just want to tell you something. This guy didn't come from overseas.
This guy born and raised here in the United States of America.
sicknesses is everywhere.
This I'm a I'm a dentist, I seen immigrants and people from overseas have the best manners. The most beautiful couple that you want to be seen that notion that because he's Arab, or because he's Pakistani, or because he's Dutch or this the sun, it means he's good or bad or like that's not you cannot generalize that. Or because he's, you know, black or white or Hispanic. It means this or that that's not correct. What really matter is who you are or what kind of attitude that you have.
also would like to cite, but it's so important for us. So to know, that trust takes a long time to build, but it takes us few seconds to destroy.
Don't ever put your trust on the basically on the test. Because if it's broken, it's very hard. And if ever you broke your trust with your family, with your spouse, it will take years and you have to be patient to rebuild that trust. Again with them.
I always believe that marriage in order for it to flourish and to be strong. It has to be built on love, respect, trust, and mercy.
One of them is not enough. If you love her so much, but you didn't trust her would work. If you love him so much but you don't trust him that is capable of supporting the family capable of making leaving the house leaving the family is not going to work.
And also I would like to say
that it is so evil
so evil, that we use something as I started my hope by end with the same concept that you use religion and for the wrong purpose. And the illness that I want to talk about here now and my thought was is using divorce or second marriage as a threat and a way to bend your spouse
and everything your divorce in divorce in reverse I will not spend money in you all do this or do that.
You know it's like a father telling his son I'm not going to give you inheritance I'm not going to give you as if as if you own your inheritance you don't own it the last one.
He take it yeah and you without your permission.
She takes her financial right from you even if she's the worst live in the world. She's still have the right over it.
You can use that.
Use the con your money and your obligation to spend this obligation on you. You can do whatever the volunteer thinks that some other but what I'm saying is that excessive use of divorce, I divorce a divorce a divorce a divorce, a threat
And other handsome men have this now these days or like you hear all men, another one hold upon another wildlife, I will do this, I will do that.
That's done away. That's not how you solve your problems, you just make it more deeper and more complicated.
Or in the other hand, I will leave you also is here, there's a lot of Ramallah brothers, the wives that I will leave you or leave you I will leave you threaten. You know, marriage doesn't work by threat. Marriage work when there is basically a conversation, dialogue. You know, when we talk to each other's not at each other, there's nothing wrong to ask for help. Believe me, I know a little bit about it, not because I done it.
But I know because I see this happening a lot.
Family counselors are much cheaper than lawyers
are much cheaper than lawyers. So if you're gonna go to the divorce, you need to get a marriage counselor is better than getting a lawyer to lawyer up for divorce. So my advice to you is make this as you know, an opportunity to be creative and how to reconnect with a spouse, I don't care if you're 90 years old, or you are 19 years old.
Because marriage always need for romance to stay fresh.
There'll be a woman who wasn't allowed to in his 60s, and he's still before he goes out, he gives his wife a kiss.
Before he goes out,
you know, you leave and you come back. And she even knows it's that you left
solid romance just that, you know, you see what was wife crying, rush turn, wipe her tears. And he said, I wish that what the pain knew in me.
He will hold the camera and let her basically step on his thigh so she can ride the camel.
And like in modern days, I always say like, you know, you pull the chair when you go to the restaurant.
It's not enough to give her only one gift and birthday. And you know, just to remind her of her age, or birthday and his, you know,
birthday or whatever, he then the rest of the marriage of the rest of the soul tribe doesn't work this way.
We need to keep it alive. We need to be creative. I know a brother was a consultant travels a lot.
That's interesting. And he shared this with me. You know, I'm saying this not to think bad about your spouse, but to see how you can make your marriage fresh. So he traveled a lot. So she bought that Hershey Kisses. Okay. And she wrapped around each one of Hershey Kisses. You know, one good thing that she loves about him.
And she gives it to him. Every time you travel, you travel the week and come back maybe after two weeks. So I have 14 of them is that I get a lot of weight not because they eat the restaurant because of all the chocolate we get. You know. So every time every night I read something about what she think good about me.
And he said Believe me. He said that the thing that she pointed out as she loves about me, okay, I tried to do it more and more often.
And as an educator, I can tell you.
In education, we always say focus on the positive because when you focus focus on what is wrong, students don't develop, don't get it. And if you keep telling me that's wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, I don't change that behavior will not change. But if you told me this is right, this is correct. and reinforce the positive basically in my life, you will see me improving. So this is something just an example. You can be very creative in how you connect with your spouse. creativity in marriage is so important nowadays. I saw them race with his wife's on a lot, isn't it?
So I hope that this is something won't
help you to think more about. I know for example, that is a road trip coming with Chef command in a in a month or so. Maybe this is something you can register you and you're right only, you know go to the Oman for a week or five days or so. You know, I heard of couple retreats, some organizations organizing and it just be creative how it's worth spending the money and the effort to bring that tremendous and that connections again, between you and your spouse. Because I can tell you as your brother as your
as an activist of this community, we need strong family. We need you
To be strong at home, so we can have a strong community that facing all these challenges that we see today in our life. I ask Allah Subhana Allah to bless you and to bless your family bless your family, your homes, and bring happiness and love to your life and to make it something permit and ask Allah subhanaw taala to help us to have the best of manners alone Muslim while in our heart as Virginia the gentlelady from La Mirada Gera economia you must say Elena, I mean,
Ekrem la minion silicon houda Touka fafo Alina artina fusina taqwa How is it? A woman's aka Antonio mo da da da elantas Aparna in economical volume in a lot more thorough. hemanta la sala come home with a solid shampoo la