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The Power of Minding Your Manners in Marriage

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Umm Jamaal ud-Din

Channel: Umm Jamaal ud-Din

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah. While early he was Safi woman Well,

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first of all as salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah here, what a cattle

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just want to say just come on here, two brothers in need for giving me this opportunity to be here tonight, you know, it's a great honor and great privilege and handler to, you could say, represent our sisters here in Sharla. Within that data,

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these sisters and brothers, what I want to speak about tonight, and Sharla is about how we can bring about positive change in our marriage, by focusing on having a sense, in the way that we deal with our spouse and the way that we treat our spouse inshallah,

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because one of the root causes that we find behind so many of the problems that we see happening in our marriages today is that, you know, we tend to get so used to each other,

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we tend to start taking each other, you know, for granted.

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And what happens is that we we think less and less about the way we treat each other, you know, get over the first few days of the honeymoon stage, give it a few years, and you find that support, as time goes by slowly, slowly, we start to take each other more and more for granted. And we start to, you know, we get to a point where, you know, we even

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it, just expect our spouse, you know, to basically put up with us, no matter what we say, or do we just expect them to keep loving us the same and put up with us just the same. And this is probably one of the biggest mistakes that we all tend to make, we all easily fall into this mistake.

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So depend on our sisters and brothers, you know, the reality is that, you know, marriage is very much like a garden.

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You cannot just like you cannot, you know, leave your garden, you need to nurture the garden, need to water the garden, you need to take care of the garden. Similarly, a marriage is exactly the same, you need to keep investing in a marriage.

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You know, it's not something you can just do in the early days and forget all about it and just rely on the happy memories you had been beginning of your marriage. It's a constant, you know, thing that we need to be focusing on. Otherwise, what happens to the marriage, it basically wills and fades away. This is what happens Panama, just like the garden. And you know, we need to ask ourselves, how is it? First of all, how is it that hudy God Allahu Allah Baha was married to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

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And yet, even is after she's passed away, the prophets that Allahu alayhi wa sallam, he can never forget about her. He never stops mentioning her to the level that I share about the Allahu amha she says about her that Subhanallah was there was no other woman that I was more jealous of. Then hurry God, Allahu Allah. And yet she hadn't even seen her Subhan Allah. And you know, he would hit the prophets that alarm when it was Sam would be, you know, he kept on saying, you know, she believed in me when all the people just believed in me. She supported me with her wealth, when all the people were depriving me. You know, and we've got to ask ourselves, what is the main reason why he never

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forgot about her? What is the main reason? Why, you know, she made such a huge impact on his heart. And of course, the main reason after her complete Eman, Eliza gel was her beautiful manners and her beautiful treatment of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

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And this is why you know Subhanallah he could never stop mentioning her and like I said, it was like her memory was imprinted upon his heart so a lot of money was stolen. Even just seeing one of her old necklaces years later will bring tears to his eyes. So the last one he was selling, you know and the scholars mentioned about hudy God Allah Why should be given from the reasons why should be given this special reward in a Jana have you know of this of the house of Casa of this house of hollowed out Pole? In which last Sahaba See, he went I'm not saying that there is no disturbance in this house and there's no fatigue in this house. What is the reason why should be given this special

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reward in a Jana? They said it's due to her beautiful manners. It's due to her beautiful manners and character that she had with the prophets that Allahu alayhi wa sallam that not even one day they said, Not even one day in her life to Panama, Did she ever cause the profits that alone while it was setting to feel sad or to feel disturbed by something that she said or did radi Allahu on her or Baha so this is how her deja radi Allahu on her. She knew how to capture the heart of her husband by her beautiful manners and treatment of him.

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And similarly, sisters and brothers, we need to ask ourselves, how is it

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Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was able to have nine wives, each of them, they had completely different personalities and characters. And yet, he's able to maintain a peaceful and happy marriage with every single one of them. And each one of those wives to completely satisfied and loved by the husband, the Prophet sallallahu, it was sudden, and what is the answer? Because the Prophet said, a long while he was seven, he was the master in full up, he was the master in manners. And he knew how to use his beautiful manners, in order to nurture the love in the heart of his wife.

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You know, Subhanallah, some people, they try to criticize Islam, and they try to criticize the fact that the prophets that Allahu it was, so had so many wives. Yet, how many men do we see, you know, today that they only have one wife, and yet they're not able to even make one wife feel satisfied and loved in the way that the wives of the prophets that Allah has sent him felt so loved and satisfied by the prophet sallallahu, it was done.

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And this is in progress. If you look at the zero of the prophets that Allahu Allah was sin, and we see how the prophets that allow your sin and he used to make use of even the smallest situations, to nurture that love, in the heart of his wife,

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no matter how long he's been married to her, it's not something that's happened in the early days, even years later, this is this is this was his mission, always trying to nudge that love in the heart of his wife.

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Because you know, the reason why, because just like he would pray and make bluecore and make sujood, to get close to Allah, He used to seek Nina's to Allah, through striving to bring happiness to the heart of his wife, through his beautiful collapse and treatment of her.

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Because the prophets of Allah when he was sitting, he understood that having a son and striving for the earth era, it's not just through your prayers and fasting, having a son, and striving for the alpha is not just through your prayers and fasting, it's not just you know, the outward clothes, we were like putting on an hour by hour in the farm or growing up, these are these things rather xand and striving for the earth here are my dear sisters and brothers is also in your way of dealing and treating others, especially when it comes to the spouse, especially when it comes to your spouse panela something we neglect so much Yanni outside, you know, as panaway very careful with people not

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to offend them not to say something wrong. But as I said before, sadly, we all tend to fall into this where the one we take for granted the most is the one who needs our extend the most.

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And this is why we find that, you know, wherever the prophets that alone want to send what into his house, supposedly actually bring happiness into the house with him. And he would make any his aim to bring happiness to the hearts of those inside the house. As soon as he you know, enters the home, you find that look at look at look at the way he thinks from the very first moment he enters the home, the first thing he thinks to do is to go and you know, brushes his teeth with a nice work, what is the reason because it's so sensitive to the level, he doesn't want anyone in his household to smell even the slightest bad odor from him son, Allahu alayhi wa sallam. And you know, I should

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have said that, you know, when he went into the home, the first thing he would do, he'll start with, you know, helping his family with whatever they're doing. And you know, he would mend his own shoes, his own clothes, things like that he'll be doing just normal things inside the house. And that he never thought he never felt that that's beneath him. Despite his the profit so long on his setup, he never felt that he's putting himself down. By doing those things. Rather, he was happy to do that he's happy to, you know, help his family or to just be a normal person inside his house. Because why? Because he knew that, you know, doing even the smallest acts of kindness, doing even the

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smallest acts of a son and bringing happiness to the hearts of those around you. This is from the thing that brings you close to a loss of pantalla

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This is the kind of thing that brings you close to a loss of pantalla and that's why we see that, you know, however, you know, whenever he would see with his wives,

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he would make use of even the smallest situations to nurture that love in their hearts. Even the smallest situations polite he wouldn't let that go. You know, is surely a loved one her she tells us how she would you know eat or you know, drink with the prophets that a lot of it was stolen and how the prophets or other s&m would would make her drink before him because she'd feel shy to to drink before him from her great respect for him. So he would swear by a lot that she has to drink before him and so she would take a drink from the cup

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And then he's sort of La Jolla student who turn the top to place his mouth on the same place where she placed her mouth. So kind of what this is what was the reason why he's doing is he wants to nurture that love and show her the love that he has. Did that cost money sisters and brothers? Did that cost money somehow did that take time? Look how simple is these actions of the prophets that Allahu it was set up? You know, forget about reading, you know, romance novels like Julie, you know, Romeo and Juliet, that's nothing in comparison to you know, to the the romantic actions of our beloved prophets that Allahu it was set up. Even you know, when she takes, for example, a bite from

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some meat, the same thing, he'll turn the meat and eat from the same case on the bone as it should be a lot more unhappy. So this is how sensitive the prophets that alarmism was to the feelings of his wife, and how he would make use of even the simplest situations to nurture that love.

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And yeah, and the other thing too, is that we find that despite how busy the prophets that alone, one of them was, you know, he's the leader of the oma. He's the master of the oma. But yet, in every story as too small or too trivial to make time for his wife. He never thought that that's something too small or too trivial to do, to sit with his wife, to talk with his wife, to laugh with his wife, to spend quality time with his wife. Why do you think he's done this so long? What are his Sharia law? One hat is looking, you know, she's looking at the Ethiopians playing in the masjid with this piece. Do you think he really was interested to watch that in eight and eight? No, he but he's

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standing there for his sake, even as mentioned that he's changing from foot to foot? Because you know, it's apparent. But why is he standing there because he knows it's something that's bringing happiness to the heart of his wife. So this is how he would, you know, he never thought that's too small, the same way that he get close to Allah through his prayers, that he's fasting, that he's trying to get close to Allah by bringing that happiness to the heart of his wife.

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Okay, so from sisters and brothers from one of the greatest lessons that we learn from the life of the prophets that a long one it was sent on, is that if you want to have a happy marriage, if you truly want to have a happy marriage, it's not about how much money you have. And it's not about how beautiful Your house is. And it's not about being able to go on fancy holidays, Panama.

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You know, what's it all about? It's about focusing on doing the simple things, not overlooking doing simple things. And from those things, in particular is dealing with it with each other with the beautiful manners and dealing with each other with a sand that's how simple it gets. And before I finish, I just want to share with you basically three tips from the Sunnah, that if you stick to these three things inshallah, they will help you to bring about positive change in Sharla in your marriage. So the first one is the Hadith of the prophets of Allah what is sent him in which he tells us men cannot you cannot be left he will your mill, Valley aku Hi, Ron Alia smoots, who ever

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believes in Allah and the Last Day, then that he stated God or to remain remain silent.

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So it's apparent if you think about just this Hadid? Imagine if all of us could just put this Paddy into action in our homes.

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Just this one heartbeat Imagine if all we do is to focus on saying only positive words and words that nurture the heart, between ourselves and now spouses. You know, this is the this is unfortunately, what we tend to always focus on the negative and criticism and put each other down, and nagging and these things, and we forget about focusing more on praising our spouse, you know, thanking our spouse, you know, telling us about how much we love them, and appreciate them even just reflecting back to our spouse what we like about our spouses we forget so many times to do that subpoena we're all guilty of this. You know, and avoiding those words that hurt your spouse's heart

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you know that that words gonna hurt your spouse's heart when you say things that makes your your your spouse feel put down when you say it.

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So we have to realize that it's the bad words and the bad manners, my dear sisters and brothers, the bad words and the bad manners. This is the main cause for the love to be destroyed in the heart of your spouse. It just takes one word, you know one word to leave the tongue and you don't know what kind of destruction that word can cause and once the word goes, you know, you can't bring it back. You know, you can say sorry, you can say Forgive me, but sometimes it can hurt so badly in a person's heart. He can step more deeper and hurt a person more than had they been stabbed with a knife as he knows kind of law. So that's why, you know, before a word leaves our tongue, we really

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should be asking ourselves three questions.

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You know, even when you're angry, ask yourself these three questions. Is it really worth it? Is it really necessary? Is it really kind? Is it climb to say? If it's if you can't answer yes to all three, then hold that word and don't say it. The second advice I'd like to share and show tonight is, you know, when you have an argument with your spouse,

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the Hadith that's always helped me, you know, handle it in my in my marriage. You know, when I've had arguments, we all have arguments. let's admit it. I'm not going to get out here in Sunday I've ever been arguing with my husband. All right. But, you know, a lot of Heidegger's always helped me is the Hadith in which the prophets that are long on Instagram, he tells us that I guarantee a place in a Jana, for one who gives up arguing even if they right,

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I guarantee a place now Jana, who gives for the one who gives up arguing, even if they're right, this is probably one of the best or this point when the best lessons that I have learned, you know, handle, I've been married to my husband now for over 27 years for the law. And what I can tell you from this experience is that fighting and arguing is simply not worth it. That's what it comes down to fighting and arguing is simply not worth it. And that's why I'm saying that this has helped me so much to overcome this because, you know, if you think about this headed, what is happy teaching you, it's teaching you that the winner of an argument is not the person who has the last word, the winner

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of the argument is the one who can swallow their pride. And they choose Janna. Over winning that trivial argument. You're basically choosing Jana and the pleasure of a loss of pantalla over trying to win that trivial argument. And as you know, the saddest thing is about half the arguments, we have the over the most ridiculous things. And all arguing does ultimately My dear sisters and brothers is all it's gonna do is destroy your marriage. And it basically puts up the love. It basically puts up the love in the heart of your heart, your husband or your wife.

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Okay, and then lastly, the last advice

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that I'd like to share and show tonight is the Hadith of the prophets that allow us then and in which he says in the report layer, poofy Shea in in lezana, who, while a user will mean shade in English, and that barely gentleness is not in anything, except it beautifies it. And it's not removed from anything, except that he disgraces it will just speak is it.

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So it's a panel, if you think about marriage, for any of you've been married for more than five years, by now you would know that marriage, this in marriages, plenty of ups and downs, there's plenty of ups and downs in marriage, there's plenty of trials and hardships, there's going to come along your way in your married life.

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But what can transform your married life into something beautiful, despite the hardships, is the simplest thing of just being gentle with one another.

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Try to be more gentle with one another. doing simple things like purposely trying to smile at each other more. You know, purposely trying to show your care for another

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trying to be kind do kind things for each other. Why? Because you're doing it for the sake of a law. You're doing it for the sake of Allah and what Allah say, in Allah, Allah, you biru as you will see, need Allah does not cause the reward or the mazzini to ever be lost.

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Even just asking, How are you asking, you know, trying to find out, everybody, all of us want to be cared for, we all want to be careful. That's what it all comes down to. But in marriage, if we're not feeling cared for by our spouse, this is half the problem in marriage that we find the root cause of most of our marriage problems is that both spouses don't can't be through kid for me, they don't feel the care from each other's panel law. So what are what we all need to do is to learn to be more gentle with with one another, and to stop putting such pressure on each other as well stop putting such expectations on one another, and put more expectations on our own selves. So in

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conclusion on leave it he by saying, Let's not leave tonight asking because what we tend to do we go to a topic of marriage, and then we go home and what do we do? Why is my spouse treat me better? Like you're sitting here thinking right now I like her talk. But guess what? Now I'm thinking about what my husband doesn't do for me. And then the minute we're thinking what my wife doesn't do for me, right?

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But that's all late tonight. And start up like Robin we only she's not asking why doesn't my spouse treat me better manners? What we should all be doing now first and see where the law is asking ourselves, how could I personally improve my manners in the way I treat my spouse? Because sisters and brothers You know, this, think about this. This is a problem. We look at things in the big picture.

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This life is very, very, very short. And ultimately, let me tell you something, the way that you will be remembered by those who are closest to you, is through the way you used to speak to those people and the way you used to treat them. That's exactly how you remember when you leave these slides, you're going to ask yourself, how do you want to be remembered? When you make this life? How do you want to be remembered? Because that's how you treat people now is exactly how they're gonna remember you when you when you die and live this life. And then lastly, we need to also ask ourselves, this is even greater.

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We have to ask us, we have to remember that Allah subhanaw taala. He is the one who's going to ask us about how we used to speak to our spouse, he's gonna ask us about every word. And you know, and every action that we did towards our spouses, Allah knows it. We can't hide it from Allah spawn Tada. We know that in our book of records on your piano as a lot 1000s to get there, your body will Savi Ratan wala KB Ratan Illa Saha there's nothing left in a person's Book of Records. So this is what we should be concerned about. You know, we're worried about all these other things in our lives but we should be concerned also and ultimately about the way we treat our spouse because when we

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have strong marriages, my dear sisters and brothers this is the this is the building stone of the whole oma This is the foundation of the whole oma strong marriages is the foundation for a strong oma so we all need to be concerned about how we can consolidate our marriages and make our marriages stronger inshallah, so I'll leave it there. lacuna polyhedra was started only with Lacan was the pinnacle and we have the shadow Allah, Allah, Allah and a Sufi Rocco to be like Santa Monica Cora.