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The Muslim Family #42 – Struggling with Your Children

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Tim Humble

Channel: Tim Humble

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Episode Notes

Words of Advice

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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to carry Moosa Lu wa colocar La La, la de la Lu, while Mustafa al de

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Alhamdulillah. Your bill alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala Abdullah he was solely Nabina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa Salaam wa Alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

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Welcome to another installment in the series on the Muslim family brought to you by madrasa to America. We want to talk about children who are going through difficulties, or children who are causing difficulties for their parents. And that could be at any age, it could be at any age. And we want to try and give some advice. And this is going to be another episode, which is more advice based than theory based, as you can see, much of the course has been quite theoretical. We've gone through many I art and a Hadeeth, and so on. But what we're going to do here is more from the point of view of advice as it relates to children who are either in difficulty or might be causing

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difficulties for their parents and their parents are struggling and not sure how to manage.

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And as we said, generally this could be of all or could be for any age. But we often see that it's often when the children get older, that some of the more complex issues come into play. So the first thing that we're going to mention is that no parent should ever feel that the situation can't change in the law, her ally coalition, allies able to do everything. And Allah subhanaw taala said woman yet tequila, her yadgir ilevel Maharaja Wale zuckermann, Hazel,

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whoever has taqwa of Allah, He will make him a way out for every difficulty and will provide him for way couldn't imagine. So Allah has promised to make a way out for you from your difficulties and your troubles. And the problems that happen to you if you have a taqwa. So, ultimately, what the parent needs to do, first of all, is to take responsibility to remember that they are miss school, they are going to be asked, and ultimately you will not be asked about the Arqiva, you will not be asked about the eventual outcome. As Eliza gel told us when they will tell ouida who Illallah no one knows what the eventual outcome will be except Allah, you will not be asked about the eventual

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outcome. But you will be asked how you managed and how you responded to the difficulties that you face with regards to your children. So one of the children got themselves into trouble or caused a difficulty for their parents. And it might be that the same child problems seem to happen just all the time, you're not going to be asked about the outcome, you will not be asked ultimately, what happens to that child, your piano. And whether they rectify themselves or they don't, because that's not in your hands that's in the hands of Allah subhanaw taala as Eliza gel told the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in nicoleta demon alphabet. While I can not lie, it may assure you do

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not guide the one that you love. But Allah guides whoever he wills. So as guidance is not in your hands, the outcome is not in your hands. But what is in your hands is how you behave, and how you respond to those difficulties. So focus on what you can control, don't focus on what you can't control. Because if there's a tendency when things go badly wrong, or when difficulties happen, people have a tendency to panic over things that they don't control, or can't control. And ultimately, that is futile. It's wasteful. And it's it saps your energy and it drains you. And instead of that focus on what you can do, and that's why we're going to really talk about two

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particular issues here.

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We're going to talk about looking at the child's tarbiyah as it relates to the parent. And then on the second level or the next stage, looking at the outside influences which might be affecting the child because ultimately many issues I'm not sure we can say every issue but many, many issues, if not the vast majority of issues are going to come down to one of those two things in terms of what you can control. Am I saying that it that the fault has to lie with the parent? No, it's not the case. We don't say that the fault with regard to the the son of nor of nor la Salaam, his son. We don't say that that was the fault of nor nor was

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or set, the highest example of parenting was a profit from all as moving on Russell solo love it, he ascended. So ultimately, it's not the case. But we're talking about what you can control. There are broadly two things that you have an ability to change. One is the way that you carry out that therapy, the way that you educate, and prepare them and discipline them and manage the situation. or looking at the out the outside influences that again, we're not going to say you have 100% control over, but you have some degree of ability to try to influence those outside influences, or to try to control those outside influences. So if we look at things like that, the first thing that a person

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needs to do is to put their trust in Allah azza wa jal, the prophet SAW, Selim told us in authentic hadith, Eris, Allah Ma, and Pharaoh Cuesta, and below well attaches CP keen for what will benefit you, and put an ask the help of allies soldier. And don't feel that you are iges, you're unable to do it, don't tell yourself you're unable to do it. So the same principle here and we've come across this Hadees, many times, the same principle is going to apply is that you're going to try your very best. And you're going to start by looking at you as a parent. And when I say as a parent, we hear we have, you know, the issue of a person looking at themselves, and then potentially looking at

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their spouse as well. Now, it can be more difficult when the issues happen between the spouses in the sense where there is a

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difference in message from each of the two parents, the father says one thing, and the mother says something else. And I think that's very important to try to reduce that as much as possible, it can be difficult, and if it's a situation where the marriage is struggling, it can also be a situation where that could cause impact upon the children. So again, going to go back to looking at what you can control, don't worry about what you can't control. So if you have no influence over your spouse, or it's not working at the moment, the communication is not there. And you're not able to talk to them about how you guys can come together and be consistent in giving the same message, then, no

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problem. Focus on yourself only at the end of the day. fetac law, her messed up, I don't have as much taqwa of Allah, as you are able to do as much as you can to protect yourself from the punishment of a lot. There's been a recurring theme. So look at your own self. This course, has been I wouldn't say it's been comprehensive. We haven't covered everything. But we have covered a lot of points as it relates to the rights of the children go through those and look at where things might, might have to change. Where do you think if it were to be something related to your therapy as a parent that could improve? Where would you want it to improve? Is it to do with softness and

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gentleness? Is it to do showing affection? Is it to do with fairness? Is it to do with the whole way that the tarbiyah in education has been structured? Is it too favored in in terms of too much on the side of the dunya, and the worldly life and not enough attention being given to Islam, for example. So ultimately, you look at those things, and you make a plan to change it. But when you make a plan to change them, plan for the long term, don't look for short, instant gratification, that I'm just going to change something and today, my whole children, everything my children is going to change. At the end of the day, it's going to require a Sabbath, it's gonna require patience, it's going to

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require time, and especially when it comes to the older children, you really need to plan for the long term, don't look at very short term, very quick changes that you make that really Alhamdulillah you might be able to make a quick change that improves the situation. And if you can't, that's a blessing from a live soldier. But generally speaking, be prepared to make long term changes that are going to take a while to come into effect. But inshallah you'll see the rewards of them over the long term. So for example, if you have a situation with a parent, where a parent maybe says, you know, I've been too focused upon the worldly life, I've pushed my children in school in their

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worldly education, and haven't given enough time for a snap, and now, they say they don't want it or they are pushing back against it. There's going to be changes, you see where you want to be. But how are you going to get that nine a day, not in an hour, but over time by preparing and planning for the long term. See, look, I'm going to

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gradually introduce some of those things, I'm going to bear in mind what was said in the course, about for example, have people love her a birdie, that make a lot of beloved to his servants. And make don't don't make people feel negative about a lot or feel negative about Islam. But if that's been the environment in the house for years and years to change, that is going to be something that you plan for the long term, but you don't feel defeated, you don't say that I can't do it, you don't say it's impossible. All you do is just remember that I'm not worried about seeing a result tomorrow, I'm willing and 100 life allies, which I change the person who can change, you know, in

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the blink of an eye, but I'm willing to have that patience for as long as it takes to bring about these changes. And I realized there's often many changes needed not just one small change, or two small changes, but many changes. And likewise, maybe as we said, often it's the case that the two spouses are not giving out the same message, no problem, let one person change, let them turn towards a lot, let them ask for the help of allies. So a gel, let them not say that they're going to be defeated, and then inshallah to otherwise which I will bring but about the means to, to help with the other spouse, the other parent to bring them on board, especially when they see the success of

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what you're doing. And inshallah, you know, those things will will come about in their own in their own time, it is really important that as a parent, you don't pass off your responsibility to other people. And I've mentioned this, I believe in the course already, but especially passing it off to the spouse. So saying, It's not my problem. It's my spouse's problem, or it's not my fault. It's my spouse's fault. It's not my responsibility, it's my spouse's responsibility. That's the first problem. Also, passing it off to other people to teachers will take care of them, the school will manage it, the madrasa will do it, YouTube will do it, you know, like, that idea of passing

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responsibility. Now, that's different from saying that a parent has to do everything. We're not saying that you as a parent have to do everything yourself, you can delegate, but the responsibility saying it's my responsibility to make changes here. And yes, more doubt the spouse is going to be involved, no doubt the there are going to be other people, teachers and classes and modalities and whatever it might be a lot of things involved here, but you to say, I'm the one who's going to take responsibility for this. I'm the one who's going to, you know, grasp the nettle, take responsibility. And I'm going to do whatever I can because Allah has given me the tofield. To

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recognize there's a problem. Allah has given me the success to see that something's not right here. And again, here, I think it's really important to talk about doing things as early as possible, the earlier that you can make changes, the better the situation will be. And there are people right now who are struggling with Young Children, Toddlers, two years old, three years old,

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that is still easier to make those changes than when that child is 12 or 13. And we're easier than trying to influence them when they're 22 or 23. So here, what we're saying is that a person needs to try to do things as early as possible. If it is the case that your child is 18. And you're trying to fix things, and hamdulillah don't despair, nothing is difficult for Allah azza wa jal don't feel it's beyond you. It's not beyond you insha Allah to Allah, it's well within the ability that you have with the help of allies origin. However, if you're in a stage where you can make early intervention, then this is really it is one of the means that you can really make the situation easy

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by the permission of ally. So Jeff, is to get involved early, don't allow problems to simmer and then say, I will solve it. Next month. I will solve it in the summer. I'll solve it when the school finishes, I'll change their school next year. I'll do something next. You know, in two years time in three years time when we move when I finished my job when I have more free time. These are all things that you fear are part of the whispering of the shape on about delaying. And it's the same thing about tober is that I'll make Toba next year and make tober next month and make Toba in the future. And ultimately, that's that's not how we as Muslims are taught and that's not what Allah

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azzawajal commanded us to do. So we need to kind of get involved as early as possible. And we need to understand that what we do for our children when they are very, very young, has a massive influence on what they have what happens to them when they are older. As does

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The relationship between the parents, and I'm not going to try it, I don't want it that to feel like a burden that like if you know, the parents are not getting on so well, or there are some marital issues. And that, you know, you have to solve everything, or now have to solve my marriage, and I have to solve issues with my kids. But realize that marital problems affect children. That is the work. That's, that's what real life is like, you know, children get affected by their parents marital issues, to a greater or lesser extent. So again, that could be an easy fix. That could be something where you could work and say, You know, I think the majority of issues happening right now

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are because of what's happening between me and my spouse. So in that case, working to fix what's between you and your spouse could have the added benefit of helping with your children. But even if there are issues between the husband and wife, I'll come back again to the concept that the message from both parents should be the same. Now when I say the message should be the same, I don't necessarily mean that both parents should be like a clone of each other, or a copy of each other. But what I do mean is that both parents should encourage the children to respect the other parent. And both parents should not allow the children to manipulate them into

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using one parent against the other, which is what happens if children are very clever, I mean, the end of the day, it's it's a, it's a kind of a negative point of human nature. And there are some negative points of human nature, like a lot of xojo told us in there who can have a Lumumba, who let that mankind the state that the state of mankind, if they don't, if they're not corrected by Islam, is one of oppression and ignorance. And therefore, it is, there are some negative traits within human nature that Islam told us how to get rid of. And one of them we see from the children is manipulating and playing one parent against the other. So try to minimize that. And one of the ways

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you can minimize that as if you do disagree with your spouse about something with regard to your children, try your best to discuss it with them privately, or semi privately as much as you can, rather than discussing it with them in front of the children because then they absorb that and they look and they say, Okay, now I understand mom and dad, understand how to make a wedge between mom and dad and how to use that to get what I to get what I want. So that's even very, very young children can do that either extremely at a very, very young age. So it's really important that even if the husband and wife are not getting on, that they still have an understanding that when it comes

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to the kids, we we have to have a single message. And even if the mom and dad happened to be separated or divorced, it would still be the same thing. That there has to be a consistent message with regard to the children. And obviously, we've talked about the fact that a husband and wife there's a family structure, the husband has a degree of responsibility over his wife and so on. But ultimately, there's going to be times where the wife makes decisions, that husband makes decisions, and there has to be some kind of framework to bring those in line. And again, I would say here that the greatest advice you can give on that topic is that either make the decisions in accordance with

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Islam. And if you make decisions in accordance with Islam, you'll never be disappointed. how you'll never be disappointed. We can't promise you what the outcome will be because the outcome is in the hands of our lives. But we can promise you will never be disappointed if you do something for the sake of Allah sincerely, you won't be disappointed. So make it for the sake of Allah azza wa jal and make your decisions and and the rulings you give with regard to your children. Like the Prophet sighs alum he said, he said, Have the taqwa of Allah and be just among your children. And one of the ways you don't you I just among your children is to be fair in the way that you judge a matter

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between them and the way that you the decisions you make for them. So make Islam the the core of that and inshallah that will, you know, that will make things easy. It's also important to bear in mind that the children differ according to their ages. And we took from the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam when he spoke about the seven year old and the 10 year old as it relates to praying, and he sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said, to command your children to pray when they are seven, and to discipline them when they are 10 years old. And so here this is a fundamental principle as it relates to the differences in your children's ages. And that's why the even the way

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you discipline your children and the way you talk to them, and the phases your children go through differ, according to the ages. And as a general rule,

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there's an there's a golden age of discipline, and I haven't found a hadith specific

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For this, but it's from the hycon. The wise things that are said generally, is that there is a golden age when it comes to discipline.

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When it comes to the child being very young,

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they can be too young before they become mommies before they reach the age of a temiz. Because children, they have, I guess, three phases,

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there is the time of color, when they are small children, and they are not more magazine, they don't really know the difference between right and wrong, not a developed difference between right and wrong, they may appreciate that something is wrong, because mommy and daddy shout at me when I do it, but they don't really have a, a real understanding of what's right and wrong, then they reach an age where they they have an understanding know, something is right and wrong. And they know, for example, that I'm praying to Allah, and that, you know, they have an understanding, and that could be at six years old, it could be a seven years old, it could be a five years old, there's no

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specific age, but you would generally expect most children by the age of seven, they would have reached the age and probably earlier than that, maybe by five or six, they would have reached the age of 10 years, where they can distinguish between right and wrong. And they know when they should be doing something and shouldn't, and they have an appreciation for the actions that they're doing. Like I'm doing this for Allah, you know, to a certain greater or lesser extent. So that is it is a different age. And then you have the age of puberty, elbow Bulu, where they reached the age of puberty, and they become adults, and they could still be children, quote, unquote, children living

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in your house, because somebody could reach the age of puberty at 12 years old, 13 years old, 1415, they may live with you until they're 22, they may live with you until they are 18 till they're 17. So here, what we can see is that you could have a child who is available to us who doesn't have an understanding of right from wrong, and here, very tough discipline doesn't really doesn't really work.

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You obviously there's a place for discipline. But generally there's a lot of play, there's a lot of softness, and the really kind of like life lessons, to be honest, don't work, usually speaking. And again, this is a very, very general speech, I'm really generalizing. But at that age, which is less than 10 years, it's not the ideal age for it.

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It's an age of habits, the age, which is doing timmies, which is less than the age of, of knowing the difference between right and wrong is an age of habit building, where you can build really good habits and you can, you know, you can build habits to know that this is wrong. And this is right. And so many things you can do. But discipline

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probably comes best at the age between a tummies and elbow between realizing what's right and wrong. And, and puberty. Once they go beyond puberty, they're still in a position for discipline. But it's more difficult as a parent because they are now more qLf. Even though I don't really like the word morchella, I don't think it's a very good word to use, because it makes you feel like Islam is burdensome, but they are now responsible for their actions, their earning sense, and good deeds are being written for them, they are now going to be asked in front of a lot about their own actions. So now the kind of discipline that you can enforce upon them,

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before they reach the age of puberty, and again, maybe puberty is not like it might not be, there may be some children who accept that from you a little bit longer. They may accept it from for example, they may reach puberty at 12 years old, they may they may kind of accept your you know, really tough life lessons and discipline and stuff like that they may accept that up to 14 or whatever. But we all know that as the children get further and further into adulthood, it's harder and harder to enforce the same kind of discipline that you would with a seven year old or an eight year old or a nine year old child. So the golden age for for a deep for disciplining and and giving

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them those life lessons is between the age where they realize what they're doing is right and wrong. And the age of puberty or a little bit above that. And that that really is that is the ideal time for that. So what is the what's the ideal time prior to that is like we said it's probably habit building, teaching them really good habits they may not really understand why they have those habits, but teaching them good habits and good manners at the at the younger age according to the way that they can understand it. And as for the older age when you're dealing with children who are already adults, then really what is needed here is more a snapper, accompanying them, being

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alongside them, being like a friend to them. Talk him through

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Their issues and realizing that they are now adults that have their own decisions to make. That doesn't absolve or that doesn't absolve them of the obligation of a being you as a parent, as we're going to hear in the segment on parents, it doesn't stop them having to obey you, that's children to their parents, that's that's how it is, no matter what age even if the children are 40 years old, or 45 years old, or 50 years old, they still have to obey their parents. But the way the child the interaction, it becomes one of a server of companionship, being with them, talking to them, and taking longer, like, you know, the way you would deal with them. And the way you would advise them

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is like you would advise any adult, you know, you can talk to them as an adult, you can give them a more refined kind of tarbiyah because they've reached the age of adulthood, so you can talk to them as an adult. Now, no doubt when it comes to teens. This is particularly difficult, because the problem with teens in our time, and I'm not sure how much this happened at the time of the setup of cyber harassment law, Tyler, it's an interesting research topic. I'm not sure how much has happened to them. But in our time, we have a problem of teens that are mature, physically and immature mentally.

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You can say there is a Hadith, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam talked about her death out as an answer for how the day young in the truth and foolish in the mind about the how Rh you can say this might indicate that sometimes that you could have this, this problem did exist. But it is an issue of of people who are very young, who are mature as adults, but they might not have that maturity in terms of the, the maturity intellectually and emotionally that they would really like them to have. So that can be a difficult age where you get the kind of sometimes teenage tantrums that are like, behaving like a younger child, but they had, you know, coming from an older child.

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And that's something we're probably the best

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behavior is to blend between the two phases, the phase of if those things come out, then it's showing that they're still young enough to accept that discipline from you. Because that's still they still have that element of immaturity in them, so they're still young enough to accept that sort of discipline that you might give to even a younger child. But also you need to mix it with the advice and the kind of companionship and friendship that you would have with the older and more mature child. So you probably need to blend those two together like we said, there are no absolutely every child is different. And you have to judge each child according to according to their

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individual, their individual situation. So that's all we have time for in this episode. We'll be continuing our discussion on this for another episode because we need the the extra time shout out to Allah to finish as many points as possible. That's coming up in the next episode and Allah knows best wa Salatu was Salam ala nabina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi ajmeri salaam alaikum. If you're enjoying these videos, and you'd like to keep up to date with all of the courses we're going to be running, make sure you head over to am au adho.com