The Muslim Family #43 – What Influences Your Children

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Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu was salam, ala Abdullah he was solely Nabina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi H minus Salam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. Welcome to another episode from the Muslim family by madrasa to Maria. And inshallah, we're going to be continuing what we had discussed in the previous episode, relating to advice and naziha, for problems that happen with your children, children that are going through hard time, and children that are maybe causing a hard time for their parents, and what would be our advice. So we're going to continue on with that advice in sha Allah, Allah, from the advice that I think is extremely important is that as a parent, you need to be

fully plugged into what your child is going through, you need to be fully aware of it. And we mentioned that as a parent, you should always be ahead of the curve, you should always be aware of things before they happen. And I just wanted to emphasize that in this advice, that often when your children get into trouble or into difficulties, these difficulties had signs. And if as a parent, you're awake and aware of what's happening, then you see these signs in your children, and you can deal with them again, before they become worse. And in this, we have to understand that there are really two things that

lead people astray. And I think we've mentioned this also in the course before, and they are chahatein chahat. They are desires and misconceptions. So as for the desires, we train that with tasket, or nefs with a Toba and teaching people to purify themselves and, and you know, we're all in need of that parents and children. And as for the show by heart, we respond to those with knowledge. And I mentioned this as it relates to children's education. But I think it's pretty important as in terms of when things go wrong, try to identify why are things going wrong? Is my child confused? Do they have misconceptions? Or do they have desires and things they want to do when they know it's

wrong? But they are, they're craving to do it anyway. And no doubt the teenage years or the years of sherawat, the years where the sherway strongest, the desire to do wrong things is strongest. And that's why there are Heidi's rebuking the older person who follows their Shahada, who is has has submitted to their desires, because ultimately the desires should be they should they should reduce as someone gets older. So sometimes we say chahatein, super hot, but really, it can be both both of them can come together, you can have a situation where a person is has a desire to do something, and he's also confused. They're not sure if it's wrong, or why is it wrong? Or what's the ruling on it,

and maybe they've heard their friends tell them it's okay. Or my parents said it wasn't a problem, or I've heard someone on the internet say this. So it's important that you deal with both of those two issues you look at whether there are desires coming in there, whether there are Shao schawbel had confusion. And again, this is with older children, typically, this is children, usually talking about the around the age of puberty or above here, where you have the shadow and the shadow heart coming into play. Because younger than that, again, you may see an inkling of this, or you may see the beginnings of this, like you may see certain confusions or misconceptions they have. But it

should be pretty relatively easier to deal with it at a younger age, when it gets older, it can be problematic, and that's why you have to try to catch these things early on. And there's no doubt that our society that we're in, and our situation is very different to for our children today as to what it was when we were younger and what it was when our parents were younger and what it was when our grandparents were younger, society has changed massively. So you as a parent need to understand that in terms of the fundamentals, in terms of the theory, in terms of the IRT the Heidi, how to make tarbiyah of your children how to educate them and prepare them for their life. This is

ultimately something that doesn't change. You know, Islam doesn't change a light switch and made this religion suitable for all of the people and the oma are committed to electron Deena como la come near Matthew all these will accomodate Islam Medina.

Today I have completed your religion for you and completed my favorite upon you and chosen for you. Islam is your religion. So Islam is suitable for all people at all times.

But what does change are the mechanics of how the shower and shovelhead get to our children how this confusion happens, and where it comes from the internet. And you know that those kind of issues so that that's very important for a parent to be aware of those things and understand how they work, and understand what it is that our children have access to, and where they might be going astray. And I think that you can't claim to be miss school responsible for your children, if you're not aware of what kind of things can be affecting them. And from this, we have the highlight of her day for all the love and care The nurse will yes in order Rasulullah Lysol Allahu anhu, or send them an

inhaled Welcome to SL Anisha. Mahabharata and you're dedicating, he said, the people used to ask the messenger of a loss of love, and he was setting them about good. And I used to ask him about evil so that it didn't happen to me. So it's important to be aware of the or out of a fear that it would happen to me, it's important to be aware of the things that might affect our children, and where they come from, before we give that license for our children to get involved in those things. So for example, your child has a device, and you should be aware of what they could download on their, what most of the kids are using today is probably very little point mentioning in my video any names

because if I mentioned them in my video, by the time someone watches the video, they might be out of date. But you should definitely be aware of the latest apps that kids are using platforms and what those things allow them to do. And what why whether as a parent, you want to allow your children complete freedom on it, or complete bad or supervised usage. Because those are the options you have, you can either allow them unrestricted access to a particular thing, like an app for the Quran.

Or you can completely ban them from something like an immoral, you know,

website or something like that.

Or you can go where you have a restricted access. And that's what I would recommend for things like YouTube. In all honesty, I will not recommend, even though this course is going out on YouTube, and YouTube has become a major means for our to Allah subhanaw taala. But at the same time, the some of the content on there could destroy your children. So it has to be supervised, controlled access, not uncontrolled, in my opinion, Allah azzawajal knows best. I think that's very, that's a very important part. So now we come to talk about

we've come to talk about the the outside influences, the influences that might come from outside. Before we do that, it's also really important that we talked about chahatein chahat. On the topic of

chahat. of confusion, and misconceptions. It's really important that you get your children answers to their questions, you give them answers to their questions is very, very important

that you give them answers to their questions. Otherwise, if they don't get answers to their questions, so panela, that the effect on them can be can be very strong power. And it can lead them to really, really going Australia too early in life. So if you can't answer it, you need to find someone who, who is able to answer it. So as we come to talk about the influences from the outside the external influences. So here, I want to talk about two types of external influences. One is the external influences that are not friends, but things that come into the home, TV, gadgets, tablets, phones,

computer, etc. This is one kind of external influence. And it's really important that you when you have problems with your kids at any age, even at a very young age, you look to see what those influences might be. And as we said, one category our phone, iPads, tablets, computers, TV. All of these are our major, major influences upon the child. So do they have access to them? Is it unrestricted,

totally banned, or partially controlled? And if it's partially control, is that partial control actually working or not? That is one aspect. And then of course, we can't

disregard the role of the friends. Because the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said and moreover, Allah Dini, Holly, for lianzhou, I highly recommend you highlight a person is upon the religion of their close friends. So let every one of you look at who you've taken as a close friend. Now a person may look at that and say, Well, can I even influence that for my children?

How do you even influence for your children, even at a very young age, who their friends are going to be making friends is kind of a personal thing to kind of say, Look, I've done a lot, you should be friends with Hamlet. But what you can do is you can improve the probability of them, making good friends by the help of a lot. And you do that in two ways. By removing opportunities to make bad friends and making bad friends difficult for your kids, make having bad friends hard for them, and reduce the opportunities to make bad friends. So stop them go into environments where they can make bad friends. And when they have bad friends, make it hard for them. And probably how to do that

might be beyond the scope of this lecture. But don't make it easy for them. on the reverse side, give them as many opportunities to make good friends as possible. So that could be through the masjid, it could be through knowing families, I know this family and I know this sounds

good, it's good boy practicing and so on. So I'm going to introduce the two and then make it easy for them, facilitate it for them, but facilitate for them, the things they want to do with good friends. And encourage them as much as possible to have good friends even at a very young age, who you allow your children to mix with from a very young age and the kind of environment they get used to, from a very young age will influence the kind of friends that they want to have, when they are older. And friends of friends are the problem, be willing to make changes, be willing to even enforce changes if you have to, if you determined that the problem here is friends, and really

you've maximized everything you can do on the side of tarbiyah, then he I think that you look at the friends and you have to see if this is the issue, then we need to be willing to really make significant changes. But again, link that to what I said earlier about the gadgets and so on that you might restrict access to a certain group of friends in person. And they may just replace that by contacting them electronically. So here you have to be aware of what's going on. And you have to, we're not going to say that you can completely control the friends your children make. But you can certainly make it easy for them to make good friends, and reward them for doing so. And you can also

make it difficult for them, or less likely for them to make bad friends and discourage them from doing so. And that comes back to that concept of rewarding your children for Islam. Don't reward them for passing an exam will count if you want, but don't reward them more for their Islamic achievements. And make it achievable. Don't ask your children something you've imagined for a teenager, you go to them say you got to give up all your friends today. And it feels like it's not achievable. They feel iges I can't do it. It's impossible. But if you look at it and say, Well, really what do we want to do? Let's do want to let's try and reduce this. Let's try and improve

this. Let's say that really the big problem is one particular person, let's move away from and give them alternatives. Give them other options, to make things achievable for them. So they don't feel that what you're asking them is impossible. And even with very young children, this is something which is I see a lot is As parents, we often ask our young children things that are impossible, or near impossible. And so they feel that they can't win. And because they feel they can't win, they actually give up trying to say I'm not gonna bother, I'm not gonna listen, because there's no way that I can get this reward. There's no way that I can stop this punishment from happening. So I

might as well do what I want. So you have to make it, you have to make it achievable. And you have to make it you have to make it winnable.

Look at desarrollar because one of the major things is your prayer should stop you from doing wrong things. In the salata. 10 I knew for sure he will mooncup the prayer stops you from immorality and wrongdoing. That prayer stops you from immorality, and it stops you from doing wrong things. So if their prayers not stopping them from doing wrong things, then something's wrong with a prayer. And that shows you will light the benefit and intelligence and the wisdom in teaching your children to pray from an early age because the Salah is what's going to stop them doing wrong in the salata. 10 and a half. And in fact, you will be honest with yourself as a parent, are you an example for your

kids? Or are you a negative example? Are you telling them for example to be

are you telling them to be truthful but you lie or encourage them to lie yourself or they see you lying themselves. So that's also something to bear in mind. Bear in mind that the more effort you put in, and the more

the more responsibility you take, the more likely it is with the help of Allah azza wa jal you bring goodness out of it. And likewise if you sit your child in front of the

TV all day watching garbage, then the principle is garbage in, garbage out. If you if you sit your children in front of the TV all day watching rubbish, then To be honest, it's, that's what's going to come up from them. Don't expect anything different. So really don't push your kids over to the TV, I will not honestly advise any household to have a TV, I don't see the need for it, whatever Islamic benefits you thought you could get from it, you can get from the internet. So I personally just I don't see that the TV, I see it brings a lot of harm. And I don't see it brings any any good analyzer General's best from the advice that I would give is, I would give the advice that there is

a time for everything. So a lot of times parents complain about their children asking for things and saying that they want their children to

their children asked to play games, and so on and so forth. So presuming these games are not harm. And that's a big presumption. But let's presume that they're asking to do something, that's not how long then there has to be a time for this and a time for that. Everything has to have its time. Well, I can Yeah, humbler, so it was a little humbler, there is a time for this, there is a time for that. So there has to be an appropriate time for everything. And if we don't have that system of there being a time for everything, they won't be able to find that balance within their life. And they'll either be constant complaints, I want to go out and play and I want to play football, I want

to do this or that or the other. And on the other side, this, you know that the important work, the Islamic work doesn't get done, the study doesn't get done serving the parents doesn't get done. So there has to be a time for everything. So I think the default answer, when your kids are always asking you for more time to do things, it should be sad and sad, there is a time for this, there is a time for that.

Hi, having we talked about

looking at the friends from a negative aspect, we should also say that friends can be a massively positive role models and looking at, you know, especially slightly older kids that they can look up to, and they can aspire to be like them. So that's also something to bear in mind. Peer pressure is not just negative peer pressure can also be positive as well, positive peer pressure, the friends who say to come on, let's go and pray. That's positive peer pressure. So you can use that to your to your advantage as well. And I think also that, in general, Islam sets a methodology out. And that methodology is a total heap with tar heap, that methodology is encouraging and discouraging.

Encouraging good and discouraging. But that's what the methodology of Islam is totally but Tara hip, encouraging you with the rewards of gender, discouraging you with the threat of the fire. And that same methodology is a natural methodology that works with Bernie, Adam, all all human beings, the carrot and the stick, you know, you encourage, and you also discourage. And that's what you have to do with your children encourage good behavior don't have it's all punishments, punishment, punishment, punishment, I don't have it all rewards, but there have to be rewards. And they have to also be punishments.

It's also really important to make sure that your children have or have enough of enough activities to take their attention. So panela idleness, and just having nothing to do is among the worst of things that opens the door to the shape height,

that just having nothing to do with just being idle and not having, you know, not having any way to get out their energy. So look for permissible ways to channel their energy. And all the work we've done with young people, I found this to be to be honest, one of the most powerful things that a person can do is to channel the energy of your children, give them physical activities to do things that challenge them mentally, you know, fill their time with beneficial things, even beneficial things in the worldly life, but but make beneficial things fill their time with it. Because idleness and just having nothing to do is one of the things that opens the door to the shape on in many

different ways. And often when we take some of the children who their parents have said are, you know, really, in a bad way, really gone off the rails. And all we do is give them two things. We put them in an environment where they have good people around them, and we give something to drain their energy and take their a and their attention. And so Pamela within a short time, just a few days, you see huge improvements. Now we're not going to say that, you know, not every time is there a camp available you can send your kids on to or something like that, or a program that you can do, but look at ways you can channel energy and attention in a positive way. If there's a lot of sitting

around playing on the computer that's not helping. You also look at ways you can

challenge that energy or channeling into a positive a positive way. These are some of the pieces of advice that Eliza gel made easy for me to mention, and allies or journals best and this brings us to the end of the topic on the segment on Muslim children and what we're going to do after this in short lives, we're going to talk about Muslim parents. And this is going to be a segment where we're going to talk about parents and treatment of the parents and then inshallah to Allah We also going to talk about some problems people have with their parents, some difficulties that can happen in terms of better quality and being good to your parents. And then we're going to go on to talk about

relatives and the wider relatives of circle rahem How do you keep ties with your relatives inshallah Tada, so this is as we come towards the end of the course now we don't have that many episodes left. inshallah, but we're moving into that segment on parents and that segment on on relatives inshallah Tada. That's what Allah made easy for me to mention and lies with genitals best wa salatu salam ala nabina Muhammad Ali wasapi Ma, Salaam Alaikum. If you're enjoying these videos, and you'd like to keep up to date with all of the courses we're going to be running, make sure you head over to a m [email protected]